Magical Friends Media Presents…
Gryll's Reviews and Rants
Episode 02: Nintendo's E3 Direct
Gryll waved to the nonexistent audience and said, "Hello, everyone! I'm Gryll, and this my review of Nintendo's E3 Direct!"
"Now, I'll be honest with you all: I didn't go to E3 or watch any of the press conferences. In fact, I wasn't very interested in any of the non-Nintendo games that were announced. I guess I'm kinda interested in Doom: Eternal and My Friend Pedro, but that's about it."
"Also," she continued, now visibly upset, "I'm incredibly disappointed that they still didn't announce a North American release of Mother 3. Shigesato Itoi, why do you do this to us? Why do you keep us so far away from Lucas, Flint, and the rope snake? As a fellow Japan-only video game character, I'm terribly upset!"
Gryll replaced her sour mood with a sincere smile. "But enough about the negative things. After all, Nintendo knows how to keep their fans happy, and today, we're going to talk about how they blew everyone's hats off at E3 this year!"
"The Direct starts off pretty strong by showing us the second DLC character for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate: the Hero from Dragon Quest. This fighter is a representation of the upcoming Dragon Quest XI: Definitive Edition, and consists of four different Dragon Quest protagonists: Luminary from 11, Erdrick from 3, Solo from 4, and the hero from 7. These fighters appear as alternate skins, like the Koopalings are for Bowser Jr., which is neat."
"The main problem with the Hero is that he's awfully similar to Link, sporting a sword for his basic attacks and a shield that blocks projectiles. Luckily, this problem is alleviated by his special attacks. Each special attack is based on an MP system, like in the Dragon Quest games. This makes fighting with him a bit tougher, and it requires some strategy to be implemented. Overall, the Hero seems like a nice addition to the Smash roster, and I'd definitely want to try him out, if it weren't for something else that I'll get into later…"
"After that reveal, fittingly enough, we hear about the previously mentioned definitive version of Dragon Quest XI. Not much is new, except maybe for more story, like the original didn't have enough of that. As a bonus, you also have the ability to "go back" to previous installments of the franchise. That's cool, sure, but I'm not that much of a Dragon Quest girl. I mean, sure, I've played a bit of 9 and 6, but I'm not devoting my life to it. Dragon Quest XI: Definitive Edition looks like a great game, but it's just not for me."
"After that..." Gryll started, but then she hesitated. Suddenly, she burst into laughter for a few moments before finally calming down and continuing, "after that, we get a funny bit introducing Doug Bowser, the new president of Nintendo of America. Boy, does he know how to make an impression. Reggie may be gone, but it looks like Nintendo's in good hands."
"So then, we get a look at Luigi's Mansion 3," Gryll said with stars in her eyes. "It looks awesome! New functions, better graphics, and the fact that it takes place in a hotel!"
Mario: You know what they say: All toasters toast toast!"
"Okay, maybe that's not a perk, but it still looks amazing. There are puzzles that require the help of Gooigi, that two-player option from that 3DS remake last year. Also, not only do you have to rescue Mario, but also some Toads and Princess Peach. Luigi's Mansion 3 promises to be an amazing game. I can't wait until it comes out."
"Up next, we catch a glimpse of The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance Tactics, a video game based on the upcoming Netflix spinoff series based on the Jim Henson film The Dark Crystal. Now since I'm sure you don't know, I'm a huge fan of Jim Henson's work. Sesame Street, The Muppets, Fraggle Rock, Labyrinth, I love it all. So it's obvious that I'm gonna have to check it out once it's released."
"Next is a trailer for The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening for the Switch. I must say, it looks awesome. All of the things from the original game, plus a dungeon maker, are remade, revamped, and reinstituted into high-quality Switch hardware. Although I have no experience with the original Game Boy release, I can confidently say that The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening is a remake done right."
"Then, Square Enix decides to give us another gift: a revamped version of Trials of Mana. I love RPGs, and this game looks like an example as to why I love them. Beautiful fantasy worlds, interesting characters, and epic battles. Plus, the three original Mana games are available on the Switch as the Collection of Mana. All I can say is that I'm hyped."
"Next is The Witcher 3 and Fire Emblem: Three Houses, two games that I'm not very interested in. They look like good games, but they're just not for me. Then, to showcase the new Resident Evil games (which I am not interested in, by the way), they show a video of two kids playing Resident Evil in an abandoned mansion. While watching it, I can't help but think of that one Geico commercial…"
Black Man: Let's hide in the attic!
Girl #1: No, in the basement!
Girl #2: Why can't we just get in the running car? (points to a running car)
David Schwimmer-looking Guy: Are you crazy? Let's hide behind the chainsaws.
"No More Heroes III?" Gryll said, then she moved her hand to the side in a pushing motion. "No thanks. Honestly, it just looks like every nerd's fantasy to me. I do not want that on my conscience."
"Contra: Rogue Corps: I'm not gonna buy it, but it sure looks awesome. Also, they've got the Contra Anniversary Collection. I'd buy that, but chances are that I won't even pass the first level of the first game."
"Daemon X Machina and Panzer Dragoon are two more games that I'm not looking forward to, so I'm not gonna talk about them."
Gryll quickly put on a smile and said, "Next, Shinya Takahashi arrives and talks about the upcoming games Pokemon Sword and Pokemon Shield. He basically talks about how they have a booth set up at E3 this year for the games, which makes me almost want to go there. I say 'almost' because I'm not wasting my time going out of my way to the opposite side of the planet for one little thing that I'll get to experience in a few months anyway."
"By the way, I will do a full review of the new Pokemon games some time in December, so look out for that."
Then, Gryll started to look bored as she said, "Oh, look, more games I don't care about. Astral Chain appears to be an awesome game, but I'm afraid that I won't be able to understand it. Empire of Sin doesn't look to be my tastes, but the commercial was decent. Marvel Ultimate Alliance 3: The Black Order? Boy, that's a mouthful! Plus, Thanos cosplaying at Mr. Electric from Sharkboy & Lavagirl is a bit of a dealbreaker. Cadence of Hyrule is just a LoZ mod of Crypt of the NecroDancer. Next!"
"Mario & Sonic at the Tokyo 2020 Olympic Games is a game that I'm a little bit on the fence about. Maybe I'll get it, maybe I won't. I just don't know yet. Good news, though- we don't have to watch Dr. Robotnik ribbon dancing again."
"The last ten minutes of the Direct, though, are straight-up awesome," Gryll said. "Animal Crossing: New Horizons looks splendid. It has a new story, new things to do. You can even craft things. Is it just me, or did Pocket Camp get a much-needed upgrade?"
"Next is a highlight reel featuring games from non-Nintendo developers, like Hollow Knight, My Friend Pedro, and Spyro Reignited. Nothing too special, but you may wanna check them out."
"So up next…" Gryll said, getting giddier by the second, "get ready to have your hats blown off." She could hardly contain her giddiness, until she couldn't take it anymore, and started letting it all out in a constant stream of words.
"They show us a Smash Bros. trailer that mirrors the King K. Rool trailer, but instead we get the character that pretty much all of us wanted, and that is of course Banjo & Kazzoie!" she quickly said.
"Yeah, you heard me right. BANJO-KAZOOIE IS IN SMASH!"
Suddenly, a gust of wind knocked Gryll's hat off her head. "Told ya it would blow your hats off," she said.
"It's finally happened, guys. Our secret prayers have been answered. This is perhaps the best decision Microsoft has made in years."
"And that's it, I hear you saying," she continued, putting her hat back on. "It can't get better than this, can it? It's the tops! We're in ecstasy."
"Wrong!" she shouted, and then she calmed down. "Nintendo still has one thing up their sleeve: a sequel to Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild."
Suddenly, a gust of wind blew off Gryll's hat again.
"It ain't no Metroid 4, but it sure got my blood pumping. The trailer had this creepy yet cool vibe to it. I guess it'll be the dark to Breath of the Wild's light. A Majora's Mask to it's Ocarina of Time, if you will."
Phillip J. Fry: Shut up and take my money!
"Well," she concluded, clapping her hands together, "that's all I have to say about Nintendo's E3 Direct. Let's check out the final score:"
Gryll turned on her electronic board.
Awesome Games: 19/25
Big News: 18/25
Doug Bowser: 20/25
BANJOOOOO!1!: 25/25
Total Score: 82/100
"Well, there you have it. I'm Gryll, this was my review of Nintendo at E3, and I hope you hated it."
Gryll tipped her hat and walked off to the left.
The End
Special Thanks
Illusion Fox Reviews by Matthais Unidostres
Kirby H by DokiDokiTsuna
Brain Dump by hotdiggedydemon
Hotel Mario
GEICO
HAL Laboratory