Disclaimer: Due to my strong personal convictions, I wish to stress that this review in no way endorses a belief in the occult.

Outside of a cemetery, in front of an old iron fence, ambience from "Weird Al's" "Nature Trail to Hell" is heard as the camera pans to the right. The camera stops at the front gate as the title is written on it, with parts of the title covered in rust.

Magolor's Coffeehouse

Episode 08: Kirby's Deadland

TinyURL: y4rv884j

The Kirby Café is decked out in all sorts of Halloween decorations. Pumpkins and gourds of all kinds are placed at the center of the tables, little plastic skeletons and foam Comos dangle from the ceiling, and an orange banner with "Happy Halloween" written in big black letters on it hung near the front entrance.

Suddenly, Magolor jumped up from underneath the table, wearing a Gandalf costume.

"Boo!" he shouted, acting like a little kid "Did I scare you?"

He stood in silence for a moment, shifting his eyes around the room. "...No?" he said after a bit. "...Okay, then."

"Well, it's October, everyone, and you know what that means: we can finally celebrate Halloween without getting laughed at. Now, I love Halloween. The costumes, the candy, the celebration of all the things that go bump in the night— I just love it all. That's why I'm celebrating the month of spooks by reviewing some Kirby creepypasta."

"For those of you who haven't been on the Internet long enough to know what a creepypasta is, it's basically a scary story that gets copied and pasted over and over across the Internet. The name comes from 'creepy' and 'copypasta,' which itself comes from 'copy/paste.' While a lot of creepypasta comes off as justdumb spam, a few of them have gained some notoriety, such as 'Slender Man' and 'Jeff the Killer.'"

"Unfortunately," Magolor said, his mood souring, "those aren't the kind of creepypasta I'll be reviewing. I have the wonderful pleasure of reviewing the absolutely awful ones. Anyway, so we can get this month finished as soon as possible, let's get started."

Magolor sifted through a stack of papers before picking one up and saying, "Our first creepypasta will be one called 'Kirby's Deadland.'" He frowned and said, "Real imaginative name, I know."

One day, in September of 2012, my parents were at work and I was home alone.

"Off to a wonderful start already," Magolor said sarcastically.

I decided to take out an old game, Kirby's Return to Dreamland™. I was ready for a wave of nostalgia.

"'Nostalgia?'" Magolor repeated, confused. "Buddy, that game would've only come out a year ago. How much nostalgia could you garner from that?"

Now the first thing to strike me as odd, was that, when the intro played, Kirby was missing and the rest of the characters did their normal animation, acting as if Kirby was there. As I reached the title screen, Kirby was still M.I.A. (Missing in action)

"What, you'd immediately sense that something was wrong and throw that insidious piece of garbage away?" Magolor asked. "Well, not our protagonist. They decide to keep playing, because they destroyed all their neurons playing the 'Fork Knife.'"

I ignored it and started a new game. The beginning cutscene was normal. Everything was fine until I entered Cookie Country; As I entered the first level, the enemies looked sad and I swear that they had tears in their eyes as they died.

"This is supposed to be scary?" Magolor scoffed.

It only got worse from there.

"Oh, do tell."

The enemies started looking sadder and had fresh scars that bled realistic blood.

"Why does everything in creepypastas have to be 'realistic?'" Magolor asked irritably. "Don't you think the reader would have the mental ability to picture blood realistically. In fact, since you like realistic things so much, here's a realistic reaction to that last line.

With that, Magolor crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. Suddenly, Marx burst through the front entrance.

"Magolor, are you alright?" he asked. "What's going on?"

"I'm just reviewing a story," Magolor answered. "Why?"

"That eye roll was so loud, I could hear it from all the way out there." With that, Marx walked back outside.

Magolor turned back to his regular seating position and said, "Okay, so eventually our narrator makes it to Whispy Woods."

As I climbed down the ladder, I screamed at what I saw. Whispy Woods had glowing red eyes, with blood pouring out of the eyes and mouth. Pieces of bark were torn off and the leaves were stained with blood.

"What do you think I am, an idiot?! Trees can't bleed! Only a five-year-old would be scared by this!"

I was shocked at the evil little smile on the cute pink marshmallow's face. As I did a fire attack on the tree, the rest of the bark was burned to ashes. The smooth surface was tainted with blood. He shook the leaves and those spiked enemies fell out splattered with blood.

"They're called 'Gordos,' you degenerate."

They looked determined to kill Kirby. As I defeated Whispy, he fell over and his roots tore out of the ground with blood to follow. Kirby did his happy dance to no music.

"What, that's it? How do you expect us to get scared if you don't mention Kirby dabbing?"

The same repeated for the rest of the areas, especially the morbid looking bosses.

"You monster! You didn't mention anything about Mr. Dooter!"

"In all seriousness, though, you could at least make things more detailed here. Since this clearly won't scare anyone, you could at least gross people out. But whatever, you do you, I guess."

But Landia was the worst; its eyes were black sockets with tears streaming from them, blood stained its whole body.

"Kirby, I shall not let you."

Let him do what? As I entered the second phase of the battle, I heard a "RRRRRAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRR!" from the speakers.

"Doesn't Landia usually let out a screech during battle, anyways?" Magolor asked before lashing out. "You see, this is how you know you've done an awful job, when you make me question whether or not you actually know what you're talking about."

I stared horrified as they left their make-shift body to decay as organs and blood soon fell out. It took only a few blows to defeat it. The screen cut to black. I didn't get scared because it happens all the time.

"What happens all the time, the screen going black or the fact that your video game is suddenly spewing Satanist propaganda? Boy, I hope you mean the former."

I thought it would stay like that after a few minutes of waiting. I was about to shut off the Wii when something popped up. I shrieked. Kirby, had an eerie grin with blood staining his fang-like teeth. The arms of Waddle Dee were stitched to his body. the legs of King Dee Dee Dee and the wings of Meta Knight were stitched too. A text box appeared that read in the red oozing letters "Your next" I screamed again as I heard a distorted laugh.

"Honestly, it can't be as bad as the congratulations message you get when you get a perfect run on Kirby 64's boss rush [TinyURL: y3wusfeb]. Now that is scary."

The intro came with Kirby missing and morbid characters. The warp star was also stained with blood. The title read in the same text Kirby's Deadland.

Jeremy Scott of CinemaSins: Roll credits.

Sin Counter: 1

As my parents walked through the door, I ran and hugged them, tears streaming down my face. Since then, I was never able to play that game. So far, the anniversary game has been going well. But I refuse to do the Dreamland part.

"Whoo, the story's over!" Magolor rang out joyously. "And at the right time, too. I was starting to get restless."

"Honestly, the story isn't awful, but it isn't scary or believable, which is what I expect when I read a creepypasta. It could be better, most definitely, but it could also be worse. At least the author put in some unsettling details in an attempt to creep us out, but it just didn't work for me."

"Well, I'm Magolor, and I'm sorry to say, but don't expect Spook Month to get any better."

The End

Special Thanks

Channel Awesome

Keldeo the Critic by Matthais Unidostres

Kirby H by DokiDokiTsuna

Thriller by Michael Jackson

"Weird Al" Yankovic

CinemaSins

HAL Laboratory