Disclaimer: Due to my strong personal convictions, I wish to stress that this review in no way endorses a belief in the occult.
Outside of a cemetery, in front of an old iron fence, ambience from "Weird Al's" "Nature Trail to Hell" is heard as the camera pans to the right. The camera stops at the front gate as the title is written on it, with parts of the title covered in rust.
Magolor's Coffeehouse
Episode 09: Kirby's Deadland II
TinyURL: y4rv884j
Back at the Kirby Café, Magolor was at his usual seat, now dressed as the Black Mage from the Final Fantasy series.
"Welcome back, everyone," he beamed. "Last week, I reviewed 'Kirby's Deadland,' a creepypasta which I considered to be typical for a story of its kind. The idea of a haunted video game being scary seems highly illogical, and the events could have been easily avoided had the narrator just shut the game off, took the cartridge, and burned it until nothing was left." He hesitated, then said, "...Okay, maybe that last part was a bit unnecessary, but it illustrates my point."
"But, did you know that this story has a sequel? Because it does."
"Kirby's Deadland II, everyone!" Magolor shouted, shoving a piece of paper into the viewer's face. "I have no idea how this is going to be, but let's hope it's better than the first one."
Looking back at how much tomato sauce was thrown at me when I played the now corrupted "Kirby's Return to Dreamland," I facepalmed and realized how much of a wuss I was and how easily scared I was of that incident.
"Hey, we all have our shortcomings," Magolor nonchalantly replied. "I used to be afraid of Coraline, myself. But nowadays, when I watch a movie like Silent Hill, there are times when I straight-up go into a laughing fit."
I told myself I never wanted to play Kirby games ever again, but I couldn't help but scrounge around for my all-time favorite game for the Game Boy Advance: "Kirby and the Amazing Mirror."
"That's a lie!" Magolor spat. "In your first story, you said that you played Kirby's Dream Collection even after you played that god-forsaken game! If you're gonna make a sequel, make sure it's consistent with the original."
I picked up the cartridge and inspected it. It looked a little aged, as the colors on the sticker seemed to have faded a little. I shrugged it off, and then looked for my Game Boy Advance. 7 minutes later, I snapped the cartridge into the Game Boy, but dropped it suddenly, as sparks belched out from the power switch, headphone jack, and volume controller.
30 seconds afterward, I picked up my Game Boy. I switched it on.
"Dude, are you an idiot?" he said incredulously. "Your Game Boy practically blew up, and you still think it's gonna work? No wonder you thought this stuff was scary."
"Anyway, the Game Boy seems to work just fine, because of course it does."
The Game Boy/Nintendo logo made it's normal animation. Then the Nintendo/Flagship appeared. Kirby still tripped and fell over, then all the enemies from the game ran over him. In the midst of the mayhem onscreen, I thought I heard some bones crack when Giant Rocky squashed Kirby. When the blitz ended, Kirby didn't move for about 10 seconds. When he pulled himself off the ground, his face ripped off and stuck to the ground, and I saw a comical, yet slightly creepy, Kirby skull where his face used to be. It resembled a human skull, but it wasn't exactly frightening. It was unexpected, though.
"Creepypastas in a nutshell, everyone. Nothing actually scary, just weird and unexpected."
I was in the hub world of the Mirror World, but the music had been replaced with howling winds and the pipe organ from Disneyland's Haunted Mansion.
"Well," Magolor said, leaning back, "someone's gonna get sued."
"So our narrator plays the game, with the only difference being that some of the enemies act even more aggressive than usual. I don't see how that's supposed to be scary, but whatever. They eventually make it to Master Hand and Crazy Hand, the boss of the ninth world."
What was odd was that Master Hand didn't attack me and Crazy Hand seemed more crazy than usual. He twitched violently, with the sound of bones cracking. Eventually, Master Hand and I defeated Crazy Hand. As I beat the crap out of him, the cloth of Crazy Hand began to rip and stain with sweat. When we delivered the final blow, the cloth exploded off Crazy Hand, revealing a skeleton hand, which fell to the ground writhing.
Magolor is literally shaking in his seat, trying his best to suppress his urge to make a Megalovania joke.
"So after that," he said, still visibly shuddering, "we move on to the Dark Mind fight."
Every time I sliced him, a little bit of pixelated blood flew out of his core.
"Well, this is quite the deviation," Magolor commented dryly. "I thought everything was supposed to be 'hyper-realistic' or whatever in creepypastas."
This repeated every time I defeated him, but when I landed the final blow, a "blood cannon" enveloped Kirby. Dark Mind violently bled out and fell apart. When the red water left the screen, Kirby turned to me, and gave a "dafuq happened?!" look. I gave that same look back.
"Honestly, if you don't make that look after reading that paragraph, then you are a stone-faced god, my friend."
"So, naturally, the narrator moves on to Dark Mind's second phase…"
Shadow Kirby tossed the Master Sword towards me; I picked it up, then proceeded to beat the [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] out of Dark Mind.
"Yikes! Dial back the language, man," Magolor said, taken aback. "There are children reading this, you know."
I landed another final blow, and Dark Mind shed its sun like appearance. It now bared the appearance a flaming skull. "You're time is up, Kirby," it growled, then flew off screen.
Kirby flew after him on a Warp Star. A text box appeared, and Dark Mind spoke. "Once I finish off that stupid pink ball, I will curse the Mirror World and turn everything into an undead army!" I mashed the attack buttons and blasted Dark Mind's skull. What was pretty awesome was that every time I landed an attack on Dark Mind, a piece of his skull broke off.
"I don't care about this ROM hack mumbo jumbo. Just scare me already!"
After 150+ hits, the final blast made Dark Mind's skull explode as I heard a loud "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" emit from the speaker, although it sounded like Ivo Shandor's defeat from Ghostbusters: The Video Game.
"First Disney, and now Columbia Pictures? Buddy, you're gonna get lawsuits out the butt."
After this bizarre incident, the game continues to play normally. However, Dark Mind seems to have a slight expression of fear on his face every time I battle him. I did have a few nightmares, but nowadays, the nightmares have stopped. I still enjoy the game, and I grin wickedly every time I whack Dark Mind or any of those stupid enemies that stalk me.
Magolor, trying to contain his anger, blurted out, "That's it? That's how it ends? All I wanted to be creeped out at least a little, but instead, you just end it on the most bland, vapid note in the history of creepypastery! You moron!"
"But, with all that said, the story wasn't all that bad. A lot of the details were written pretty decently, and there were some strange moments, to be sure. My only complaint is that is wasn't as creepy as the first one; if anything, I bet someone could make a neat ROM hack out of this."
"Well, I'm Magolor, and I'll see you next time on Spook Month!"
The End
Special Thanks
Channel Awesome
Keldeo the Critic by Matthais Unidostres
Kirby H by DokiDokiTsuna
Thriller by Michael Jackson
"Weird Al" Yankovic
Disney
Columbia Pictures
HAL Laboratory