Disclaimer: Due to my strong personal convictions, I wish to stress that this review in no way endorses a belief in the occult.
Outside of a cemetery, in front of an old iron fence, ambience from "Weird Al's" "Nature Trail to Hell" is heard as the camera pans to the right. The camera stops at the front gate as the title is written on it, with parts of the title covered in rust.
Magolor's Coffeehouse
Episode 11: Kirby's Creepy Yarn
TinyURL: y3ggh5vt
Back at the Kirby Café, Magolor was at his usual seat, now dressed as Meta Knight, of all people.
"Greetings, everyone!" he began with a friendly wave. "Welcome to the final episode of Spook Month!"
"As you may have noticed, I had to take a mental health break last week after reading that terrible story. But is it possible for there to be a Kirby creepypasta even worse than '"Kirby" WHY?'"
"No," he said plainly, shaking his head. "No, it isn't. But this one is still bad, let me tell you, and you get to suffer right here with me. Here we go! This is Kirby's Creepy Yarn."
I'm just like any older Kirby fan out there, I've played the games since the first one on the NES was new,
Donald Trump: Wrong.
"What do you think I am, an idiot? Everyone that has ever played Kirby knows that the first game was on the Game Boy. I'm only on the first paragraph, and I already lost all hope for this story."
I just got my 2nd Gen Black Nintendo Wii, I decided to get a few games for it since all I had was New Super Mario Bros. Wii.
"Okay, I feel like I speak for everyone when I say that no one cares about your personal life, buddy. We're not here for your little personal memoir, we're here to get scared, so let the blood flow, already!"
"Anyway, our narrator notes how Kirby's Epic Yarn came out not too long ago, so they go over to GameStop— yeah, remember when they were a thing?— to look for a copy."
When I got there, the place already seemed to be open and full of a lot of people. I decided to wait the game rush out. After what seemed like hours, the wave of people finally disappeared.
"Yeah, GameStop could only dream of getting that much business in a day."
"So they finally get inside, only to find out that a large chunk of games were already sold," said Magolor, who subsequently shrugged and put on an impish façade. "Oh, well, I guess they'll just to settle with a Just Dance game and move on, eh?"
The man at the counter asks me if I'm looking for something, I explained that I had ordered a copy of the game. He told me that the rush of people in here earlier were mostly after Wii games, and unfortunately, most went for Epic Yarn. He then told me that there was one copy of the game that didn't sell. I was confused as to why ONE single copy wasn't sold, but further asked him to show me the CD case for it.
"Well, maybe it's the copy that you ordered, and they just put it away for you. See, it doesn't always have to mean that it's haunted or something equally ludicrous."
"Unfortunately, as this is a creepypasta, I'm afraid that the laws of common sense do not apply."
It was in a standard GameStop game case that they use when someone trades just a game and no case in, but what bugged me is that the part where the title, Kirby's Epic Yarn in this case, is supposed to be, looks all scratched and scuffed, and all that's written as a title is "Kirby". It's at this point when I start to get a sensed feel of worry.
"Wait… does our narrator actually have a sliver of common sense in them? Oh, sweet Nova, please let them have common sense."
I wanted to buy it. He asked for only twenty dollars. I felt that that was quite a low price for such a new game. But whatever, I bought the game
"FOOL!" Magolor spat out. "YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL!"
"So they go home and try out their completely normal, totally not corrupted game…"
When I got home, I went up to my room, and put the disc in the Wii, I waited patiently for the game to load, it took about eight minutes for the game to appear.
When it did, the preview picture looked incredibly glitchy, showing broken textures, misplaced letters, etc. I figured it was just temporary.
"Oh, yeah, of course," Magolor said sarcastically. "It's just a temporary thing. The Wii just needs to break the game in a little. Happens with my games all the time— HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?!"
Now I was still unsure about playing this when I got it, but, it was when the Nintendo logo screen appeared was when I got that odd itch again, only this time, stronger.
"Then why are you still playing it? If you really don't like it, then just turn it off and throw it away, like a normal person. No one's forcing you to play, so just stop."
It appeared to be the first level on the first piece of Patchland. I play it through getting almost everything. I completed the entire first piece of Patchland, and unlocked the second piece, known as Grasslands. When I arrived, what I saw jaw droppingly horrifying. I could see what seemed like endless amounts of bodies of Patchland residents impaled on spikes, in the foreground and background, dripping out more of the yarn-blood,
Slimecicle: Come down today, and try some corn / Or we will sacrifice your newborn.
"I don't know. I just figured I needed to include a meme in order to lighten the 'spooky' mood."
But the nail that sealed the [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] for this sadistic place was the music, it was still the Grasslands theme, but played slowly in reverse, almost demonic in nature, which can be found here:
[TinyURL: y2lzrt6e]
Magolor clicked on the link and put on a pair of headphones. Surprisingly, he wasn't the least bit unnerved while listening to it. In fact, he sort of looked relaxed.
"Honestly, it doesn't sound too bad," he said. "Heck, 'Song of Unhealing' sounds worse than this."
I went to the first level on this piece. When I got to the part where you get to use Tank Kirby, is when I got really, REALLY, worried. Every time I shot and hit enemies with Kirby's Mouth-Cannon, they would explode like normal, but instead of the yarn gently floating downwards, they would spew unrealistic amounts of yarn-blood everywhere, even some of the yarn-blood was jumbled together, kind of like it resembled guts, but made of yarn.
"Now, I think you got your word choice messed up," Magolor said sarcastically. "It's not 'unrealistic,' it's 'hyper-realistic.'"
"Anyway, the next thing our narrator does is head over to the item shops. The shop owners tell them to get away, and of course, they don't take these very obvious warning signs and decide to buy an item that doesn't even have a thumbnail for it. Boy, I bet this isn't gonna have any consequences at all…"
I went to my little patchland room, and went into editing mode, again, without thinking twice, I selected the icon-less item to place on the wall to see what it was, what I saw scared the [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] out of me. It was yarn Kirby, but with solid black eyrises and red eyes, and the most ominous, inhuman crimson yarn-bloody grin every made. I quickly removed it from the wall and checked to see if it was still in my furniture menu, to my shock and dreaded horror, it was completely gone, as if I never bought it.
"Wow, that was just about as ridiculous and over-the-top as I expected. Wonderful."
I decided to go back to Grasslands, I read the yarn blood stained signs by the levels, one sign read, "LEAVE NOW.", another read, "TURN BACK.", At this point I was worried about playing anymore, but continued nevertheless.
Hiro-san: Stupid! You're so stupid!
But when I went to the next level over from the previously beat one, I was unexpectedly booted back to the Wii Home, I was confused as to why this had happened, but proceeded to boot the game back up.
"See? Even the game doesn't want you to play it. Do you seriously have no concept of when enough is enough?"
"Well, apparently they don't, because they still boot up the game again, and they go into the level that kicked them out earlier."
The level looked, you guessed it, just like the main part of Grasslands, dark cloudy skies, with a thunderstorm, a crimson yarn line for blood instead of a blue one for water. When I beat this level. I was shown the cut scene of Grasslands connecting to the starting piece of Patchland in reverse, with eerie ambience getting louder and more demonic. then, near the end of the scene, speech bubbles flashed on screen, speech bubbles like, "MURDERER", "YOU DID THIS", and "HOW COULD YOU". This went on for several minutes. But just as it was ending, the demonic yarn bloody Kirby flashed on screen with a loud, and I mean LOUD, ear piercing version of what sounded like Kirby screaming.
"And how is this supposed to make any sense to anyone? Yeah, I know it's a creepypasta, so there's bound to be things in it that make no sense, but this story just has almost no rhyme or reason to anything. When I read a story, I expect the events that occur in it to have a cause-effect correlation that's easy to understand. Here, scary stuff happens for no reason. It's like the author just thought of random garbage and thought, 'Yeah, I can make this work.'"
"Don't believe me? Just look at this half-assed ending."
I suddenly awoke, lying on my best friends couch, with Kirby's Epic Yarn on-screen, I never played a single Kirby game ever again. I learned the truth about him. He is an evil, evil creature. Then Kirby came out with red eyes. I hid in my closet. I do not know how much time I have left. OH GOD... HE'S HERE.
HE'S HER89uihjktrjhflkjmld;fkojguhri90o4prkjghyuri8oi958u5uioypoiuu58o9
"Yeah, because all the best authors end their stories with random letters! This story sucks!"
"Well, to be fair, this story was marginally better than the other creepypasta I reviewed this month. There's more story, more character depth, and there is some unsettling imagery that could potentially scare some younger viewers. It's okay, but I don't think it deserves a second look."
"And that's it for Spook Month! I'm Magolor and UG9rw6ltb24gTW9udGggaXMgY29taW5nIHVwIG5leHQuCg"
The End
Special Thanks
Channel Awesome
Keldeo the Critic by Matthais Unidostres
Kirby H by DokiDokiTsuna
Thriller by Michael Jackson
"Weird Al" Yankovic
corn by Slimecicle [TinyURL: yyjzolty]
UHF
HAL Laboratory
This crazy Kong is gonna cut your butt off
It's gonna hurt
Blood is gonna spurt
You will wanna die
This Kong's one [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] of a guy