(Disclaimer: Negative aspects of a story will be exaggerated for comedic purposes. Just because a story is constantly ridiculed does not mean that it is bad. Any Fanfiction that is good will be praised by the end.)
Magolor's Coffeehouse
Episode 13: Sylveon's Revenge & Sylveon Loves Cupcakes by Muffinypowers
TinyURL: yyml8jdy
TinyURL: y3ar2s5a
"Hello, dear friends," Magolor began, "and welcome back to Pokémon Month! Today, we'll be reviewing something truly awful. It's a story that is considered so heinous that not only has one critic already destroyed it, but it was the cause of torment for three fanfic reviewers. Heck, it's almost a rite of passage in the community of fanfiction critics to review this stinker. That's right. Today, we're gonna take a look at Sylveon Loves Cupcakes by Muffinypowers."
"But before we do, I think it's best if we review the prequel of this story," Magolor stated, before pausing for a brief moment and saying, "Yeah, that's right. The story has a prequel."
Sylveon's Revenge
By: Muffinypowers
Sometimes all you need is a little push in the right direction. Sylveon...helps? Kalosshipping aka JeT'aimeshipping. One shot.
"Now, right away, the story strikes me as… odd," Magolor said, raising an eyebrow. "With a name like Sylveon's Revenge, you'd expect it to come after Sylveon Loves Cupcakes. But nope! Not only is it before it, but it's the first fanfic Muffinypowers ever wrote. Weird, right?"
"But I digress. Let's go ahead and see if this story has any sort of worth. This is Sylveon's Revenge."
This was her first time looking out this window, and she wasn't planning on forgetting it anytime soon. There were stars shining in the soft glow of the moon, sparkling and seeming to dance before her eyes. There was only one thing missing.
However, that idiot was probably in his stupid room playing with his stupid Delphox and giving him stupid treats and stupid stupid stupid-
Stahp.
"You know," Magolor mused, "I used to rate bad comedy on a scale from 1 to Tom Green," he paused for a beat and said, "but I think this story broke that scale."
"I mean, the joke, if you can even call it that, is just so weird and out of place. I have not met a single person who has ever thought anything even remotely similar to this. I now wonder if this character has a mental disorder of some kind."
The honey-haired girl put her hand on Chesnaught's back, and the Pokémon let out a happy sort of growl. Despite her tough appearance, Chesnaught was sweet and gentle. She enjoyed helping out her trainer when necessary.
"Ugh, that idiot... I don't need him, though, do I, Chesnaught." Her Pokémon waved its tail, and seemed to understand perfectly.
"Ches, Chesnaught." Serena smiled at the Grass/Fighting type, her beloved starter.
"This is actually pretty nice. Sure, it's just Serena talking to her Pokémon, but that's why I like it. After all the craziness that was Spook Month, it's nice to just read some cute banter like this."
Then, by coincidence, her Eevee stepped into the room, making her remember something she was going to tell him.
"Oh, Eevee! I've decided what to evolve you into!" As she said this, Eevee looked at her with confusion and worry, perhaps judging from her happy tone and how rare this was. "Absolutely nothing, that's what!" He seemed sad at this; Serena wondered if he actually wanted to evolve. It was hard to say how he knew; maybe it was the bond that Serena seemed to share with all her Pokémon. He jumped onto the windowsill outside of her room, making his way down to Santalune Forest.
"So is this where the revenge comes in?" Magolor asked. "Eevee takes this negatively, even though Serena only meant that she likes Eevee the way he is?"
"Chesnaught, what am I to do? I'm bored, and I can't talk to stupid Calem, because all he does is give his stupid Delphox stupid Poké Puffs and stupid stupid-"
Chesnaught put her hand on Serena's shoulder as if to repeat her earlier 'stop.'
"Buddy, you can't make a joke out of something that was never funny to begin with. And when you do, it doesn't make it any funnier, it just makes whoever's hearing even more irritated."
Kermit: I think this is what they call a "running gag."
That's when the doorbell decided to ring.
Oh, now her neighbor decided to show up. But, when she opened the door, something surprised her. Instead of Delphox next to him as she expected, he now had...Sylveon?
"Alright, so Eevee evolved… is that supposed to be the revenge? Also, it would've been nice to see what he was doing, maybe get a glimpse into his mind, but you know, this is still okay."
"Did your Eevee get out, by any chance?" he asked, annoyed at how Sylveon was making it near impossible for him to move by wrapping his ribbons around him.
"Y-yes... But how did it-?"
"I don't know. I guess it found a Fletchling or something," he said. "Probably wandered off into the forest." He picked up the small, ribbon-covered Pokémon, and passed it to her.
"Now, I think it's important to point out Matthais Unidostres' thoughts on this section of the story in Keldeo the Critic. In it, he points out that Eevee evolution into Sylveon doesn't make sense, since evolving into Sylveon requires a close bond between Pokémon and Trainer, and he was nowhere near Serena when it happened."
"I, however, think it makes sense. You see, in order for an Eevee to evolve into Sylveon, it needs to have a strong bond with its Trainer, and it needs to level up while knowing a Fairy-type move. I'm assuming that the bond between the two was strong enough to work from a distance, and that Eevee knew Baby-Doll Eyes, since it's a Fairy-type move it learns naturally. So that makes the reason why Eevee evolved pretty obvious: it beat a few Pokémon in the forest and leveled up, allowing it to evolve."
"So, is that it? That's all you came here for?"
"Uh, actually... Sylveon, can you let go of me?" Sylveon had curled one of his ribbon-like feelers around Calem, making the atmosphere extremely cozy, and in Serena's mind, extremely uncomfortable.
"Actually what?" Chesnaught patted her back as she said this, and she wondered how her starter had gotten so powerful as to hurt her with a tap. A supportive Pokémon was great, but this wasn't exactly helpful. Ow.
Sylveon touched Serena with the remaining feelers, eventually wrapping her up as well. He cuddled both of the entangled trainers close by him, and in effect forced them together.
Magolor raised an eyebrow, giving off a confused look. "That's it? That's the revenge? Sylveon gets revenge by playing matchmaker? Are you kidding me?!"
"Actually this." Calem answered Serena's question with a sealed distance, which surprised her greatly. As it ended, she pulled away with a grunt.
"Just because Sylveon made things awkward doesn't mean you have to add to that!" she said, shaking her head. She was trying to convince herself that she wasn't going crazy with the way her heart was working.
"Oh, Serena. You're not going crazy," Magolor said with mock sincerity. "You are crazy."
Calem sent out his Delphox, and for once Serena didn't protest. "I thought it would be better with two Pokémon, instead of just us and Chesnaught," he said. "Though your Sylveon helped me a lot." She gave him a you-had-better-not-tell-anyone-about-this-or-I'll-kill-you look, one that he was familiar with from experience.
"Don't think that I won't have him Moonblast your Altaria, though." She let out that rare smile, but covered it quickly with her normal expression.
"So... maybe we can battle tomorrow?"
"Count on it. Now..." Serena pointed to the door. "Out. It's almost midnight."
"That's why I wanted to stay," he said, awaiting her typical sigh-slap combo.
"Out," she said, ignoring the slap part but sighing. "Come on, I said I'd battle you. Isn't that enough?" She pushed him and Delphox out the door, shutting it behind him.
Magolor chuckled and said, "Again, I love this simple, sweet banter. I'm so glad October is over."
He sighed, walking down the sidewalk back to his own house. "Well, at least she cares enough to rival me. Right, Delphox?"
In answer, the fox magician nodded his head.
"I'm glad you're my teammate."
Delphox ignored him, focusing instead on his tail and the long stick that was buried in the fluff. He whipped it out, lighting up the world around him.
"You're never going to change, are you?" Calem laughed, and Delphox put the stick away, and looked to his trainer's constantly changing emotions. Some of joy, some of sadness, some of regret…
Delphox didn't mind Sylveon quite as much now.
"Well, that about does it," Magolor smiled. "Boy, was this good. It's just a nice little romance fic featuring two Trainers and their Pokémon. Serena gets help that she didn't know she needed in the form of her Eevee evolving and bringing her and her crush together as a kind of playful revenge. I've never really been one for romance, but I really got some enjoyment out of it."
But then, Magolor sighed and slouched in his chair. "Unfortunately, now we have to review this story's evil twin: Sylveon Loves Cupcakes."
"Oh, the plethora of fanfiction critics who bashed this tale until it became a heaping plate of Bob Evans mashed potatoes. First, there was DragonNiro's The Angry Bug Show, who reviewed this alongside Imperator Justinian's Arceus the Critic as a collab. Needless to say, they had no words to describe the utter confusion that happens in this fic. Plus, there Matthais Unidostres' Keldeo the Critic, who I mentioned earlier. He thought the story was at least half-decent, but it reads like a fever dream."
"So what do I think of it? Well, let's stop wasting time and find out!
(A/N: This could be seen as the sequel to 'Sylveon's Revenge', due to a few references to it, so I suggest you read that one first. Unlike that one, however, this one is completely random. Other than that, the usual applies: Rate, review, flames will be used to power up my just-turned level 100 Flareon's Fire-type moves.)
"Noted."
"Sylveon! Are you okay?" A young Trainer was kneeling down by a Fairy-type in Santalune Forest, yelling about how he was an idiot and not to jump out the stupid window and run to the stupid forest and stupid stupid stupid-
Stahp.
Kermit: Is there no end to this running gag?!
"I need... cupcakes... Please, Trainer..." the Pokémon responded. "Cup... cakes..."
Vinny Vinesauce: I require sustenance… FeeD mE.
"Of course, Sylveon, anything for you- Wait, how are you talking to me?" Serena said, taking Sylveon in her arms.
"Pointing out dumb stuff in your story doesn't make them any less dumb," Magolor explained. "If anything, it makes them even dumber."
"Shut up... cupcakes."
Plankton: Now, is that really necessary?
Serena nodded in response, passing him a pink cupcake. He rolled out of her lap into some vacant grass, which a Panpour- Wait, Pansage- No, Pansear- No, it was Pansage after all- Panstupid- tried to walk into. Serena began to yell some words at it that would put anyone to shame, and the Panstupid sped away.
"Wow. That was really Panstupid."
"So Calem enters the story now, mostly because the plot wouldn't happen without him."
"Are you okay? I heard your yelling, and- you might not want to give that cupcake to it."
"Him," Serena reminded her idiot of a neighbor. "And why shouldn't I give him the cupcake?"
"Possible nut allergy," Magolor began, starting to count on his fingers, "someone poisoned it, it's made of cardboard, it may contain insect parts. Honestly, a lot of things could go wrong here."
Sylveon nabbed the treat from his Trainer's hand. Then, a symbol appeared behind him. The Mega Evolution symbol. Oh, Muk. They were screwed. His ribbons multiplied until he was covered, and he grew some wings that matched his eyes and fur perfectly. He fluttered into the air, and Serena and Calem watched. The pair's faces both read, "Oh crap."
"Syl! Sylveon!" the Mega called out.
"… Or that…"
"While we're at it, can we just talk about the description for Mega Sylveon? It sounds so dumb! It sounds like some Mega Absol rip-off."
The crappiness of this situation would continue to grow, however.
"Oh, joy of joys!"
After using Psyshock on a tree, which burst into pieces for no good reason,
"Just like everything else in this story," Magolor remarked, taking a sip of coffee.
its wings grew larger. The ribbons turned into redness, which took over the blackness that Sylveon's fur had become. His back legs turned into a tail, which grew dark spikes on the end, and his front legs became tough-looking talons. Sylveon grew two curved horns on his head, which made him look like the letter Y.
"What?!" Magolor blurted, after spitting his coffee back out.
"Did Sylveon just Mega Evolve, blow up a tree, then turn into Yveltal?" Serena asked.
"Yep," was Calem's reply.
"Crap."
"That is not the correct reaction for this type of situation. The correct reaction is—"
Vault Boy: excuse me what
YvelSylveon, as he shall be referred to from now on, began to use Oblivion Wing on everything around him. "Well, this sucks. Hide!" Serena dragged Calem behind a tree.
"Yeah, sure, just hide like the scared little babies you are," Magolor said with contempt. "Don't worry about, you know, trying to stop it!"
It was not very effective, however, because YvelSylveon blew it up. Serena watched from behind the destroyed tree, staring at a Panstupid trio that was hit by the red beam.
"You know, I'm sure this would be at least a little bit better if the author wasn't such a Panracist."
"Is that thing a Dark/Flying now, or still a Sylveon? Because I have my Gengar with me." Calem said.
"Considering the situation, I think the type matchup is the least of your problems."
Calem sent out Gengar, which was almost instantly OHKO'd by YvelSylveon's Dark Pulse. "Aw..."
Patrick Star: Well, that was a rip-off.
"Hey, cheer up, rival!" Serena said happily, ignoring the fact that the world around her was being destroyed. "At least you stopped its rampage for a sec- OH CRAP!" The Oblivion Wing hit both Trainers, vaporizing what was left of the tree they had hidden behind.
'Serena fainted! Calem also fainted!' The stupid unnecessary voice that always told Trainers what was going on, even though they already knew, would have said.
"I know this is a stupid question to ask, but how does a beam that vaporizes everything it touches only knock out these guys?" Magolor pondered this for a moment, then he said, "I don't know… plot, I guess."
'Stupid awkward-moment-making Sylveon who happened to turn into Yveltal and kill everyone,' Serena thought, right before she fell to the ground, clutching her heart both because it was in pain and for dramatic effect.
"Gah... ech... Bob the potato... nyah," were the brilliant last words that Calem said before he fainted alongside her.
"R.I.P., Serena and Calem," Magolor said. "We didn't know them long, but then again, we didn't really want to."
Suddenly, YvelSylveon paused. He landed on what was left of a tree, and looked back to his near-dead Trainer. She was on a grassy part of the ground, where some sun was shining, and it all looked rather peaceful. YvelSylveon devolved back into Mega Sylveon, and then back to normal Sylveon. He used the last of his wings to land beside Serena, and nudged her with his nose. He prepared the move she had just recently taught him from the TM she had gotten from Valerie, and used it on everything around him. Slowly, the forest came to life, like it was revived from Xerneas itself, and Serena woke up with a groan.
"Well, it looks like everything's back to normal," Magolor began, before falling into thought. "Wait a second… what TM does Valerie give you again?"
He pulled out a laptop and tapped the keys for a few moments. After a short time searching, he finally finds what he was looking for:
"'Dazzling Gleam is a damage-dealing Fairy-type move introduced in Generation VI,'" he read, slowly turning back towards the audience. Suddenly, he became furious.
"Then how the heck does it heal stuff!" he shouted. "Yes, I understand that this story is supposed to be random, and I understand that what I'm about to say is a bit of an oxymoron, but when you write something random, the randomness has to at least have some sense to it. You can't just throw in something that has no logic and act like it does. That's just stupid and lazy!"
"Calem, wake up..." she said softly, shaking him. "Wake up, I said..." she hit him lightly. "WAKE YOUR STUPID FACE UP!"
"Gah, what? What was that for?"
"No reason," answered Magolor, pretending to be Serena. "I'm just a jerk like that sometimes, you know?"
"Well, now what?" Serena asked Calem. He took her hand and led her back to Vaniville, despite repeated 'Let go of me!', 'I can do it myself!' and 'There's no convincing you, is there, rival?'. Sylveon ran the other way, having seen something that he knew could wreak havoc on the world, or at least the forest, if he was left alone with it. He was, thanks to Calem's stupidity.
Sylveon had just located a second cupcake.
Rinse and repeat.
"Oh, come on!" Magolor fumed. "Nobody learned anything? Then why did you have to subject us to such torture?!" He slammed fists on the table repeatedly, eventually calming down.
"Though, to be fair, it's not really hurting anyone, and it is surreal enough to at least be engaging. I mean, if you're into random fics, then you'll be sure to get a kick out of it. As for me, I think it's mostly just lazy. But hey, who am I to judge?"
"Well, there you go! I'm Magolor, and this was Magolor's Coffeehouse!"
The End
Special Thanks
Channel Awesome
Keldeo the Critic by Matthais Unidostres
Kirby H by DokiDokiTsuna
The Muppets Show (1976)
Vinesauce - Best of August 2019
The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie: Sponge Out of Water
Fallout
SpongeBob SquarePants - Wet Painters
HAL Laboratory
Bulbapedia