Disclaimer: Negative aspects of a story will be exaggerated for comedic purposes. Just because a story is constantly ridiculed does not mean that it is bad. Any Fanfiction that is good will be praised by the end.)
[The following is an independently run review show. The views expressed are solely those of the reviewer(s) and are not that of spucubed Productions or its affiliates.]
Magolor's Coffeehouse
Episode 18: Kirby's Dream Dance by Sir Scrumpus
TinyURL: yy5anegc
Back at the Kirby Café, Magolor was sitting in his usual seat, acting much more chipper than usual.
"What's this?" he asked rhetorically. "I actually uploaded a chapter on time? Strange…"
"But seriously, guys, I've done some thinking and I realized that I shouldn't just have this month be about me. If that were the case, which it was, I'd have a much harder time finding stories to review, which I did. That's why I'm reviewing the fanfic I have today:"
Kirby's Dream Dance
By: Sir Scrumpus
Kirby gets invited to a ball on Ripple Star, but he has to bring a date. Not particularly experienced in the department of romance, Kirby attempts to get one of his female friends to join him. Things go... less than successfully.
"So yeah, I'm not in it, but I'm still gonna review it, in the spirit of Valentine's Day. So let's begin! This is Kirby's Dream Dance!"
The day was like any other; sun shining, birds singing, flowers blooming, and a little pink puffball napping peacefully.
Sans: on days like these, kids like you…
"Nope!" Magolor shouted, swatting away the meme. "Not having any of these today!"
"So Kirby is just taking a nap near his house, when suddenly…"
As Kirby snoozed the day away, resting on the side of his dome-shaped home, an odd puttering noise sounded. He opened one eye a bit, but unable to immediately find the source of the unfamiliar noise, opted to open both fully. Kirby looked left, then right, still not noticing anything. Eventually, he looked up.
There was some kind of unidentified object slowly descending towards the earth. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes and standing up, Kirby got a closer look at the object as it touched down. It was a small, orange sphere, the top half of which was glass. Orbiting the sphere were what looked like floating hearts, but they stopped moving as the ship gently landed.
"Hmmm?" Kirby hummed in intrigue at the sphere. It didn't seem dangerous, so he poked it.
"Smart," Magolor sarcastically mused.
The glass half of it split and retracted into the rest of the sphere. Sitting inside was a small envelope with an inviting heart stamp on it. Kirby plucked it out and, concluding that it was his, ripped it open haphazardly.
"Again, smart move."
"Luckily for Kirby, though," Magolor continued, "the letter seems to indeed be for him."
Dear Kirby,
You are hereby officially invited to the annual Ripple Star Ball. We hope that you will grace us with your presence and thoroughly enjoy the gathering!
Sincerely, the Ripple Queen
"So, Kirby got invited to a ball on Ripple Star. Cool! Now it's time to go and rub it in Bandana Dee's stupid Face!"
"Oh, hey Kirby!" the Waddle Dee in the blue bandana shouted a greeting to Kirby when he noticed him dashing to the castle. Bandana Dee had outside guard duty that day, which he had deemed a tad unnecessary, since Dream Land was generally a peaceful place.
And if something wants to attack the castle, it will apparently do it with giant laser beams… he thought grumpily, recalling the recent invasion of Pop Star by the Haltmann Works Company and the painstaking reconstruction of Castle Dedede.
"Well, it's nice to know that this author cares about the lore of the games," Magolor said. "I just hope that the author finds no way to fudge it all up-"
"Woah, where's the fire?" the Waddle Dee joked, wondering what Kirby wanted to tell him so urgently.
"Check this out!" Kirby thrust a piece of paper toward his friend's face, so close that Bandana Dee couldn't read it at first.
Magolor screamed at the top of his lungs, his face and voice distorting due to the application of the content-aware filter.
"He talked!" he screamed normally. "You made Kirby talk! I'd explain why this is awful, but I think I did a decent job of that in the previous review, so forget this! Let's just continue!"
"Hey, it says something down here…" he pointed out. Kirby tilted his head quizzically. Clearly he hadn't seen the fine print. Bandana Dee read it aloud.
"P.S. It is requested that you escort a partner with you to the gathering if at all possible."
"Partner?" He had to bring someone with him?
"So Bandana Dee explains that Kirby needs to bring a date with him," said the egg wizard Magolor, "and so begins Kirby's incredible journey to find a girl. He begins with the obvious first choice: Adeleine."
Kirby's first stop was Adeleine's home in the forest. Despite having not visited the girl in a while — and thinking about that fact made Kirby a bit guilty — he remembered the way perfectly.
"Is that a reference to the fact that she hasn't appeared in a Kirby game for almost 20 years, prior to Star Allies? It probably is, and I like it."
Kirby knocked on the door a couple of times and waited. Five minutes passed, and he knocked again. After another five minutes passed, Kirby turned to leave. As he walked away, he spied something on Adeleine's easel, which was set up on a tree stump outside her shack./ppIt was a note written in black paint saying that Adeleine had left to go soul searching. Under the words was a small painting of Adeleine herself, appearing to be waving goodbye. It was rather well-done.
Kirby took one look at the note and scoffed. "'Soul searching?' Pfft. Artists," he grumbled, leaving the house.
—
Somewhere up in the mountains…
A painter suddenly turned her head towards the sky with an odd expression on her face.
"I don't know why, but I feel like smacking Kirby when I get back," she said to nobody in particular.
"Hey, I thought I was the only one allowed to make stupid references!" Magolor shouted.
Kirby's next destination was also in the woods. It took him a bit longer to find this place, but soon enough he came across it; a huge tree with a doorway-like hole carved into the stump. There was no actual door, so Kirby knocked on the bark of the stump.
This time, someone answered. A small, green bird greeted Kirby.
"Hey, Kirb, long time no see, huh?" Pitch chirped.
"Ayyy, it's Pitch!" Magolor said in delight. "Good to see that someone remembered him."
"But wait," he thought out loud, rubbing his chin, "why would Kirby need to see Pitch?" After a moment of thinking, he put on a wide smirk. "It's because he wants to bring along Pitch's mother, isn't it?"
"So, what brings you to this neck of the woods?"
"Is your mother nearby?" Kirby asked, peering into the tree slightly. Pitch looked confused.
"Why do you want to know?"
"Well, I was invited to a dance, and I was supposed to bring a female friend," Kirby explained completely innocently.
Pitch's eyes bugged out. "And your first choice was my mom?! Dude, that's really weird!"
"She was my second choice, actually," he said mumbled, then said out loud, "but she's a girl, right?"
"Yeah, I guess, but… she's my MOM, dude. Go find somebody your age, Kirby." And with that, Pitch reentered his home, feathers ruffled.
Kirby left, puzzled at this whole exchange.
"Called it!" Magolor exclaimed excitedly, slamming his hands down on the table.
The puffball had just made it to the edge of the forest when he first heard it:
"Kirby!"
Before he could react, something landed on his head, smothering him slightly. When Kirby opened his eyes — which he had shut during the assault — he seemed to be looking at the world through pink bars.
"Hello, Chuchu," he sighed, brushing the octopus's tentacles away from his eyes.
"Ayyy!" Magolor shouted, even more ecstatic than before. "It's Chuchu! Will this madman ever stop impressing me?"
"I heard you were going to a ball! Why didn't you ask me first?" Chuchu demanded to know.
"Because you're a psychopath stalker. How did you even know that I was going to a ball?" was what Kirby really wanted to say, but he couldn't bring himself to. Despite his short patience with Chuchu, he felt that would be a bit harsh, even for her, who managed to bounce back from Kirby's constant rejection like a Bubbles high on caffeine.
"I, uh… f-forgot?" Kirby finally stuttered. He soon regretted this claim.
"WHAT?! You forgot?" the girl shrieked indignantly, detaching from Kirby's cranium and glaring at him. "Kirby… whatever-your-last-name-is, I am offended!"
"Sorry," Kirby said simply, then turned to leave. He didn't feel like dealing with this one right now.
"Kirby, you get back here and invite me to the dance! Or I'll… I'll…"
But he was already gone.
"Well, that went about as well as I expected," Magolor commented.
Having run out of immediate options, Kirby found himself resorting to his cellular device to call somebody. He hadn't used it since that escapade in the Mirror World, but it didn't take much brain power to figure out. It only made calls, for crying out loud.
"Bet you forgot Kirby had a cell phone, huh?" Magolor asked slyly. "If only every fan fiction author was this invested in a franchise's lore…"
"So Kirby decides to call every other female he knows, starting with…"
The phone rang once. Then twice. Three times. Finally, the person Kirby had called picked up.
"Hello?"
"Hi Grill!"
Magolor screeched at the top of his lungs, reaching notes that no male should ever reach.
"The absolute madman!" Magolor shouted. "He put Gryll in his story! And she's not in as a joke, either! I'm loving this story the more I read it."
"Do you wanna… go to a ball with me? Like, as a friend?"
"Eh… that's not really my thing, but I'll go for you, Squirt. When is it?"
"Tomorrow night."
"Ooh… no can do, little buddy. I've got a big match coming up then. Sorry!"
"No, it's fine! I'll ask somebody else."
"Gee, I'm sorry for bursting your bubble, Squirt. Maybe next time, yeah?"
"Yeah. Sure."
Kirby hung up.
"Well, that's a bummer. Who's next?"
"Hello?"
"Hey Elline."
"Oh, hello Kirby! How are you?"
"So yeah, Elline is in this story," Magolor said. "Yeah, Rainbow Curse is kinda that one game we don't talk about, and her character is pretty worthless here as well."
Remember: lay on the charm… charm… charm… The Waddle Dee's voice reverberated before disappearing. Kirby thought the echo effect was a bit unnecessary, but he appreciated the advice. By then, whoever he was calling had picked up.
"Who is this? How did you get this number?"
"Hi—" Kirby said, then stopped. That wasn't a very charming greeting, was it? He would have to shift into irresistible heartthrob mode, just like in the movies!
"I mean… what's going on, baby?" Kirby lowered his voice an octave in an effort to sound suave. It didn't work.
Suddenly, Magolor laughed hysterically. "I- oh- oh my goodness- " he sputtered, eventually containing himself after a few moments. "I'm sorry, guys. I just imagined this exchange in my head. It's just so hilarious."
"…Kirby? Why are you calling me? …how are you calling me? And why did you just call me 'baby'?"
"Because… you're pretty, and nice! Do you wanna go to a dance with me? Baby?"
Click.
Kirby stared at his cell incredulously.
"Okay, that went terribly," Magolor commented, "but who exactly did Kirby call? Considering that most of the other options have all been exhausted, I'm gonna guess it was Susie."
Somewhere on Shiver Star…
Susie had hung up her communicator, still wondering how Kirby could have possibly gotten her number.
"Two for two!" Magolor screamed. "I'm a psychic!"
"Well, looks like that's everyone, so Kirby's gonna have to go to the ball alone. That's a shame."
At the Warp Star's fastest speed, it took Kirby half an hour to reach the heart-shaped planet. Entering the atmoshere, Kirby quickly located Ripple Castle and began descending. He parked his star among the other spacecraft important beings from all over the galaxy used to get there, and made his way to the entrance.
There was a plethora of different species among the crowd, some Kirby didn't even recognize. The ones that had the proper body shape for clothing (and there weren't a lot of them like that) were dressed smartly in suits, ties, dresses, and brooches. Those that couldn't wear clothes just settled for bow ties or tiaras. Kirby felt embarrased that he hadn't worn a bow tie or a top hat or something.
"But he's Kirby. He doesn't need clothes to look good. That's what Daddy Sakurai wanted."
The ball took place inside the grand hall of the castle. There were people dancing in the center of the room, and people mingled around the walls where there were tables for refreshments. Kirby didn't particularly feel like dancing — he didn't even have anyone to dance with — so he made his way over to a corner of the hall for a refreshment.
Strangely, there seemed to be a small bar set up in the far corner of the room. There were a few others sitting on stools, being served shots by the fairy bartender. Kirby took a seat with them, earning a few puzzled looks from the significantly older patrons.
"I'll take the strongest thing you've got," Kirby said to the barkeep. The fairy looked at him strangely.
"We don't serve minors." He floated over to a dispenser of some sort of frothy, brown liquid, filled a tall mug with that, and slid it over to the forlorn youngster. "Have this."
Kirby downed the entire mug of root beer in two seconds and slammed it on the counter. "Keep it coming."
Magolor, looking very weirded out, took a moment to gather his thoughts before speaking. "Hey, uh, Kirby? Buddy? Do you wanna talk about something? You're scaring me here."
"Anyway, after a few glasses, Kirby just decides to leave, until…"
On the way out, he bumped into someone and fell over.
"Excuse me," he mumbled. The person he had collided with turned and offered him a hand up. Kirby then realized who he had run into.
"Ribbon!" he said cheerily. It was nice to see a familiar face here, especially when he was so down.
"Hello, Kirby, fancy meeting you here!" Ribbon said, smiling.
"Yep, it's Ribbon," Magolor said, "and honestly, I'm pretty sure we all saw this coming. Kirby X Ribbon is a very popular ship in the Kirby fandom. In fact, the ship is practically canon, it's just that HAL hasn't flat-out stated it yet."
"So yeah, now Kirby and Ribbon decide to dance together…"
There was an awkward silence as Kirby just looked at her, uncomprehending.
"Do you want to dance with me?" Ribbon finally broke the silence.
"Oh! Sure!" Kirby began scurrying to the dance floor, but stopped in his tracks after remembering something.
"I… don't know how to slow dance, Ribbon."
Ribbon giggled. "It's easy, Kirby. Here." She flew in close (Maybe a bit too close, Kirby thought) and took Kirby's hands in hers. After a few minutes, Kirby finally got the hang of the slow dance.
"So things continue about the same way throughout the rest of the ball, and the two have a great time…"
Ribbon had followed Kirby outside to his Warp Star. Kirby boarded it and prepared to leave when the fairy suddenly grasped his hand.
"I had a really fun time tonight, Kirby," she said, gazing into his eyes. Had Ribbon started an unannounced staring contest or something?
"Yeah, me too," Kirby said. Then, Ribbon closed her eyes and slowly began leaning in close to Kirby.
"Oh, boy," Magolor said, rubbing his hands together, "they're gonna kiss. Things are about to get good!"
The puffball simply looked at her oddly.
"Well, bye!" Kirby's Warp Star abruptly rose and sped away. Ribbon looked up at where Kirby had been and shook her head, but she still had a smile on her face.
"That was weird," Kirby said to himself while flying back to Pop Star.
"What? No!" Magolor yelled. "Come on, Kirby! How could you do that? This is ridiculous!"
"…and then she started leaning into me with her eyes closed. I had no idea why, so I just left," Kirby said, finishing his play-by-play of his time on Ripple Star.
Bandana Dee facepalmed. "Kirby… I think she was trying to kiss you. And you just blew her off like that?"
"Yeah. Wait, kiss me? Why would she want to do something like that?"
"She probably likes you."
"Well, yeah, I know she likes me, Dee. That's why we hung out together!"
"No, Kirby, I mean… you know what? Never mind. Maybe you'll get it when you're older." The Waddle Dee said, walking back into Castle Dedede. Kirby remained confused.
"And that was Kirby's Dream Dance. I really enjoyed it, that's for sure. It was a cute little story, and I'm shocked that the author was able to stuff so much lore into such a short fic. All in all, it was a great way to end February."
"Well, there you go. I'm Magolor, and here comes another Chinese earthquake."
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The End