III: Chaos is a ladder – Quem deus vult perdere, dementat prius.

The cats were moving around me, tangling their tails. Why couldn't she be Hamsterbaa? Little puffy creatures who don't wake you up every morning meowing and jumping on your bed, like a bunch of four years old children. But hamsters did like to chunk hair and fingers. I remembered very clear my two hamsters back home. I had to wrap a bandage tight around my finger to stop the bleeding. That was one evil she-hamster. Although to the hamster's defense, it was named Cersei. A long and loud meow caught my attention. I looked at the orange little monster as it was begging for food.

"You're not Tommy." I mumbled. "I miss Tommy."

My orange stripped and very spoiled cat. And adorably stupid. I sighed. No Tommy in this world. I managed to escape the mess of fur at my feet and got into the bathroom. I carefully avoided the mirror while washing my teeth and showering. My appearance looked wrong. Backwards. Completely opposite to what I had in my head for 24 years. No one said that being reborn in a new world, meant you got to keep your physical traits.

I've never been one too concerned about how I looked. Well, not outside normality's boundaries. As in being obsessed or anything, because obviously, I cared how I looked. But I wasn't too attached to my image. Or at least that's what I thought. We are born, we grow, we age, and we die. Our bodies are dying with every second that passes, but our mind expands itself just as much. That was the only thing that I could truly take with me no matter what happened. Well I wasn't half that wrong, was I? I wasn't sure if I've developed this life philosophy before or after I woke up with an entirely different body in an equal estranged world.

What I did know was that I've always been proud of my genes, mostly because it reminded me of my family and made me feel like I belonged. Half of my family had been blonde and the other half red-haired. Thick auburn straps of heavy hair, falling like waves in the wind kissed by sunset and fire. Of course, I ended up as a blonde. Not anymore, a quick glance in the mirror fixed that thought for me. Funny how we get attached to a gene pool.

I sighed and peeked at my reflection. My reluctance and refusal to accept what I could see clearly before me was immature and absurd. But it was messing with my head, not gonna lie. A child was watching me from the mirror. A six years old child with black and messy hair. Not me, but a stranger that I somehow knew. Like a distant acquaintance. My hair had never been this dark, like feathers of a crow, and neither was it ever so shaggy. My eyes were never pitch black; neither had my skin ever been so pale. Perhaps I was being a little vain? But looking in the mirror, I didn't feel like myself. I never felt that the image we have of ourselves defines our identities, until the image staring back at me in the mirror felt utterly unfamiliar.

And I was so short. Small. Frail. Childish. My face was round again, and not at all long, though it was just as small. When did I become so attentive about my appearance? I will waste the whole morning in front of the mirror and be late for Academy. I turned from the mirror with not even one glance behind. I could be soo stubborn.

Breakfast was silent. Well, Nekobaa did try to get out of me what exactly was clouding my usual 'merry' morning mood. Fussing around and playing with the cats, feeding them to make the meowing choir stop. She kept telling me how my hair was still messy, how I should tuck my shirt in. I nodded at everything she said, and ignored her indications enjoying the calmness of the morning.

Don't get me wrong, I hated getting up before 10 a.m., but here in Konoha I discovered that mornings could be the best time of the day. The sun not yet luminous enough to bother me and the air cooler than any moment of the day, and very humid. It was very refreshing and it did give me the false impression of eternal spring. Poise and calm. It almost felt like dreaming. Then I remembered I was a six-year-old in a fictional world in which I was still supposed to attend educational institution.

Shit. I'm going to be late again.I got up and snatched my little bag from the hanger. Iruka – sensei is going to be pissed off. Again. Well, I was unfair, Iruka never got that angry at us, kids. No. Only at Naruto. But everyone gets annoyed with Naruto. However, you could barely call him a human and it had nothing to do with the Nine Tails sealed in his body – that, ahem, no one knew about. He possessed IMPOSSIBLE levels of energy. He is in his childhood, remember? Bratty and eager to attract attention at all cost. And lonely. And marginalized. AND WHY AM I ARGUING WITH MYSELF MENTALLY?!I shook my head.

It was so bizarre. Talking about Naruto as a person and not as a character. But seeing everyone in class every day… made them more real and less like characters from a show. More… tangible. Well, we all go to the Academy, and we all know each other more and less. Yes, but when did it become so comfortable to think about them as real-life people and not fictional characters? This was slightly disturbing.

Well, they definitely weren't the characters from an anime anymore. They were made out of flesh, like me, classmates. So for example, Sakura from the anime and Sakura I was interacting with were two different entities. When you see a character from a show or anime, you see what the author wants you to see, but when you meet them… you create your own version of that person. Just like real life.

"You are still here? Hurry up; you're going to be late! Again!" said Nekobaa appearing from the kitchen with a watering can, ready to go in the garden. I nodded and waved as I stormed out the door. Well, you can't say it's the first time I'm late.

Though I used to be very punctual in my first year of Academy. Always on time and taking notes, which I must say few did as we didn't learn as much theoretical material. We learned practical and survival related things. Well, as much as you could teach kids that came off their toddler years. Ok, admittedly, we were taught principles and the concept of chakra a little later, but you didn't have to actually write it down. However, I relied a lot on the visual when memorizing and understanding something, so writing things down was my way of getting used to this new form of 'school'. Ok, mayyyybe I was re-living my university years in form of Shinobi-Academy-for-kids-years. Just maybe. Perhaps. But also, you could say I had a natural inclination towards the visual wasn't an Uchiha thing, ok?

I ran down the streets almost slamming into an old lady with many grocery bags. I didn't, but I still clashed into a person taking his time walking and enjoying the beautiful morning. Or whatever he was doing walking so freaking slow!

"Watch where you're going, kid!"

Who the hell walks so slow? Well, people who aren't late. I didn't even have time to stop and properly apologize to the poor man. I can see the Academy! I could still make it on time! Well, usually when I told myself that, I didn't make it on time. I rushed almost breaking the door – no, not really, I was too lithe to do that – and into the Academy. In the first days, I've been very curious to see if there were other classes in the building other than the one shown in the anime. Oh, there were, but I had no idea what for since we never used them and I personally have never seen anyone entering or leaving any of them. Then I've learnt that other students were there who had other timetables. And there were A LOT of storage rooms. Thinking that we were the only class of students in the whole Academy was, admittedly, very stupid from my part.

I stopped before the door of the class. What if I am late? I came closer to the door listening. Well, this isn't really helping. I can't hear anything. Of course, I couldn't. Iruka – sensei wasn't exactly a person to shout or speak too loud. And, of course I stopped because … I was a coward. Yes, beyond this door was a class full of six years old children. And they weren't talking, shouting like a normal class would do when the teacher isn't present. Or maybe that had been just my class when growing up? Had we been mentally unstable children?

And I was a little…. terrified. This is so stupid. And absurd. Again with the social anxiety. I've never experienced it before this…new life. And it was getting on my nerves. This was not my first day at the Academy, nor was I a child, so what the fuck was my problem? Why couldn't I just get over it already? But the idea of entering a room full of six-years-old and attracting ettention toward me, sent my legs into meltdown. I had no idea why I was suddenly so self-aware.

"Kaya-chan? What are you doing?"

A very good question. I cursed silently brain override and turned from the door. Iruka was watching me with a puzzled and slightly amused expression, trying to figure out what was I doing. His question summed up the very core of my dilemma and new life. What was I actually doing? I looked away from the teacher, searching desperately for something. ANYTHING at all would be wonderful, mind.

"I was…. thinking." Yes, that's… perfect. I could facepalm, but I doubt that would do anything for my … interesting reply and Iruka's surprised expression. At least it's not a lie.

Iruka was a little taken aback by the half-lie and eyed me suspiciously. In the end he must have decided that I was being just a weird kid because he smiled tolerantly and approached. Ignorance is bliss.

"I see. You should hurry inside, Kaya-chan, the class is about to start".

Is he actually giving me a chance to not be late? Aw. I nodded and busted inside giving everyone in the class a mini heart attack, and almost 'teleported' myself to my seat. At least I was NOT late.

Ҩ

I loved the Academy. Well, no, not really, but I loved the lunch breaks at the Academy. My favorite time of the day. Everybody loves lunch breaks, clotpole. We had an entire hour to relax, eat, do whatever we want, with the exception of burning the Academy or village down, crush the Hokage Mountain with a tailed beast and slaughter the majority of the population, you know, generally anything that would hurt someone or damage anything. Or get outside the Academy thereabouts.

The one thing that I really didn't like about the break was socializing. But I was good at blending with the surroundings and not attracting attention. My 'training' at the compound came in handy. Sometimes, when I felt courageous enough, I would actually go around and talk to the other children. Talk, not play. I tried to play with children my age once and ended up feeling like a retarded idiot or someone with a mental disorder. I've never been good with kids and as a result,I didn't know how to be a kid. I would just look awkwardly around. I really sucked at their games. You get a chance at being a child only once, and you can't even do that.

Today felt different for some reason, so I kept away from interacting with anyone. The other girls might have wanted to chat and play at some point but I managed to slip away and retreat somewhere alone.

Could anyone blame me? They weren't supposed to exist. Or admitting that all this was real, I was not supposed to be here. Did the existence of this world wiped out the existence of my world? Were they parallel worlds? Could you exist in both at the same time, or was your existence limited in the bounds of one of them? Maybe there wasn't any co-existence of the worlds at all, maybe in here that one that didn't exist was my world, my childhood, my family my cat, me. In here, the only valid existence, were this 6 years, of living in Konoha with the Uchiha, and the past I was evoking was a mere reminder of a past life. How cruel. To be re-born, but to not have your consciousness wiped out, remembering your life and get stuck in memories. Being reborn with your memory intact. How cruel, indeed.

Since I arrived, until this very moment when I was enjoying my turkey sandwich – yes, turkey sandwich, Japanese cuisine didn't really agree with me – I have tried to stay as unnoticed as I could. Every time someone would ask me something I would panic. And I used to be soo good with people. I was charismatic, magnetic even. But now? How do six years old even act like? How was I supposed to answer? Or react? I felt like an imposter.. What if someone actually figured out I was not this… Kaya they talked about. Or was I? I feel like Jung. Blending with the kids and observing them like observing rare insects. What if Kaya was a real person here? What if I got re-born in her place? What if in order to get me in here, another soul and life has been killed? That's some meta shit.

I watched the kids. They were grouped in little cliques. Well, maybe those weren't the right terms, but certain individuals seemed to gravitate towards each other. Like Sakura and Ino. Their rivalry was legendary in the anime, but here they were just two adorable little girls admiring flowers and talking about ribbons. Ino was great with flower arrangement, to… no one's surprise I guess. But we had some kunoichi classes that taught us some artistic stuff. Naturally, I was shit at everything related to art. Except drawing. So, at some point, I was the designer and Ino the executioner, chiming in what actually worked together as an arrangement and what didn't. It must have been interesting to see kids getting so serious about flower arrangements.

Sakura was another story. She was following Ino everywhere. Observing everything. If I didn't know better, I'd say she looked up to the blonde girl. Other kids seemed to have a problem with her because she had a slightly larger forehead? Kids are savages. So, she didn't mix well with others, involuntarily thinking that she will get bullied. As for other girls, they were pretty much blurred in the background. There was a girl Saori really smart for our age and gave Sakura a run for her money when it came to who could answer faster during class and a girl Akemi who did wonders at kintsugi as a six years old. But Ino was vocal enough to drown the rest into silent oblivion and background noise. And Hinata was one of these people who just…seemed irrelevant. Well, I guess I am one too, no? Haha, yes, yes I was.

Back to the lunch break, a sharp noise almost made me jump out of my skin. I looked around trying to identify the source and my eyes landed on Shikamaru who was most probably sleeping, on a small and low leveled table, with Kiba and Akamaru playing around and Shino watching them – I think? Who could tell through those glasses. Were children even supposed to wear something like that? Wouldn't it affect their eyes? – while Choji was eating … something.

It didn't come from there. It was weird how… normal they looked. I mean, in the anime they had impossible hair colors – Sakura's hair for the name of the Vala – and weird styles – Shikamaru, Hinata…Speaking of, where is Hinata? Probably hiding somewhere, stalking Naruto. She was one of my favorite background kids at the Academy, actually. Silent, shy, but kind. But most importantly, not trying to be social.

The noise. Where did it come from? Because sharp noises and kids didn't mix well.. I stretched my neck to the far end of the yard. The wall of the Academy was sprinkled with red paint. Why must it always be red? The symbol was a simple drawing done by a shaky hand, proof that the author was truly, a real artist. So abstract that I couldn't decide if it that was a straight line or it was supposed to be a curve. Or both. How did he even make that? Because, of course, the beaux-arts genius was no one else but baby faced Jesus Naruto. A spiky blonde-haired kid who now had red splashes of paint on his whiskered face. His cerulean eyes were filled with mischievous intent and satisfaction with his handy work. Oh Vala… Iruka will have a fit. This was the hero that the whole village would acknowledge. Scratch that. The whole world will acknowledge him. I shook my head.

Suddenly there was a change. Not a big one, but my contemplative state was interrupted as a shadow appeared not so far from me to my left. Was I so distracted not to observe someone coming right up to my spot? Or were my ears actually dysfunctional? The wind was blowing in the branches and leaves. That's how the sun reached me, in spots of shadow and light, and the arrival of this new and unwanted presence. From all future rookies I already mentioned only one escaped my attention, not really forgotten more like I didn't want to think about, left somewhere in the back of my mind like a buried thought.

I ignored him, maybe a little too obviously, but we were kids so I doubted he noticed. Tsk, children always notice when they are ignored. The said person took a 'seat' on the prominent roots of the tree, not far from me. I glanced at him and was met with pitch black eyes. Curious eyes. Yet they hold none of the emptiness that will come. It was so infuriating knowing some things from the anime. How was I supposed to talk to these children and be objective and not see them as the future teenagers I knew they would become? Perhaps if I really, really tried to get to know them I wouldn't be so conflicted. But I made no effort in that direction. No. I didn't feel like. After all, for all I knew this entire world wasn't real, so nothing that was happening here was real.

I watched as strands of my dark hair danced in the wind, in front of my eyes. It contrasted with the green grass, blending with it like waves of a sea. I sighted thinking of my once golden curls.

"Why do you sit here?"

I turned my head towards Uchiha Sasuke, startled. He was eating something tightly wrapped and looked at me with sharp innocent eyes. It was weird. Creepy. This is the kid that will desert the village, kill his brother, put a hole through his female temporary teammate and try to wipe out his village. And yet here he is, a child of six years old watching me with mild curiosity and annoyance generated by my lack of response.

Is he embarrassed by my lack of response? Aww. We were children, that meant no Massacre yet, no plans of fratricide, no plans of destroying the Village, no depression and edginess. Then I began to panic. He will definitely figure out I'm not six years old. He's a kid, how? Yes, hee was a child, ignorant and yet reasonably creepy. Wasn't Sasuke at this age trying to please his father and be like his brother?

"I don't like the sun." I shrugged my shoulders. Or children. Please go away, please go awaaaaay.

He looked at me, as if pondering what I said and then nodded accepting my vague response. This kid was… weird. Well, they all were for me. I did not perceive them as another child would. I perceived them as an awkward almost adult person would. This would be perfectly normal if I wasn't physically a child in another word, in another culture. So many 'other'.

"Why do you sit alone?"

Kids, by nature, are curious. And they demand answers. How would he react if I'd just storm off? Probably he would be confused. And what was it with the deep questions? Aren't we like six? However, he is supposed to be rather perceptive and smart for his age – reasons why I avoided Shikamaru at ALL COSTS, you never knew with born geniuses. But this Uchiha Sasuke did not deserve my defensive almost 'don't talk to me, ew' attitude.

But curiosity was eating him up like any other child. The fact that he waited to muster up a question that I would answer to, spoke volumes of my non-social attitude at the moment, and I couldn't just ignore him. My heart wouldn't bare it. He was just a curious kid, trying to communicate with his fellow Uchiha. Or possible Uchiha. I still had doubts, since I had no idea who my parents were. Perhaps it should have occurred to me that one of the loneliest characters of the anime has come to sit with me. But it didn't in that moment.

"No one sits here, and I like the silence."

This isn't how children talk. Sasuke tilted his head – yes, like a dog – and a puzzled expression made its way on his face. These kids are too damn cute. You see, I disliked kids, but I still found them adorable, so most likely the problem was my confidence in my skills dealing with them. He was exactly as depicted in the anime, and yet he wasn't, at the same time. He was small, and childish, with the thick back hair and black eyes, contrasting with a pale complex, but not unnaturally pale. You could tell he was an Uchiha from a mile. Yet. I sighted. Again. I didn't know what to make out of this Uchiha Sasuke. This Sasuke was yet untainted of the hatred that would, in the end, consume him. All I could see now was a fade character. A child. Every villain was once a child.

But wouldn't all of them be the same? Were they not children with no worries, no definite personalities? Wasn't I the same? Soo focused on my internal stuff, ever egocentric, that I refused to focus to the external world. I looked at kid Sasuke and then to my lunch box.

"Do you like tomatoes?" I asked as I stretched my little hand with the bright red tomato towards him. But before he could respond or reach for the tomato a voice bummed in the yard.

"Ah, everybody, we shall head towards the training ground. The break is ov – NARUTO?! WHAT IS THAT ON THE ACADEMY'S WALL?!"

I knew it.

Edit number 3.

Kaya's reaally pounding on that existence crisis, huh? Also I never knew how to write kids, sorry. These 3 chapters reeeaaaally drag on. I wanted to give an insight into how self-centered she is in the beginning of the fic. Everything is tied to her feeling, her thoughts, her processing of the world. The same way a socially alienated a person would view things. But I think it's reeeeeeaaally dragging on. It's fun playing with concept of reincarnation into an unfamiliar world. I just wished I gave Kaya someone else to talk about it with and not keep on monologuing. That would mean re-writing the WHOLE fic, so no thanks, haha :))) It also puts her into the mindset that no one can truly understand her, which is a theme in Naruto, no?