Standing in front of the massive tower Peter Parker looked up with his head all the way back and his eyes wide open. Even with most of it covered in scaffolding it was an impressive and imposing sight to take in. Stark Tower, New York HQ for Stark Industries, home of Tony Stark, base of operations for the Avengers, and most importantly it's where Natasha now lived. There were snowflakes in the air, and Peter's cheeks were rosy from the cold. Christmas was a few days away, which meant Natasha's birthday was only a few days away. Peter had saved up and gotten Natasha something special for her birthday, and he'd worked really hard on her Christmas present, and he understood that she and May weren't together anymore, but he really wanted to give her the gifts he'd gotten her. So he'd ditched his after school activities, they were just having lame holiday parties anyway, and he didn't care if he missed out on watered down kool-aide, cheap bulk pop, and gross mass produced pizzas. He did give Ned the cookies May had baked to take to the parties, but then he grabbed Natasha's presents and hopped on the F train to Manhattan, and then a bus to Park Ave.
Now he stood in front of Stark Tower holding tightly to the red ribbon handles of a large Christmas gift bag with polar bears and penguins wearing Christmas sweaters on it. After getting jostled for the third time by the people walking around him on the sidewalk, Peter finally starts walking nervously towards the residential doors. He wondered for a moment if he would even be able to get inside, he hadn't thought of that ahead of time. Would there be a buzzer system like there was in his building? Or would there be like a doorman like the other high end Park Ave. apartment buildings? Stepping up to the shiny, reflective glass doors Peter saw what looked like a touch screen panel, so high tech buzzer system? Pressing his finger to the pad he watched as it lit up and then an accented simulated voice asked him to press his whole hand to the panel.
A moment later, after his hand print was scanned, the voice was speaking again, "Parker, Peter Benjamin. Access granted."
Peter blinked as the glass doors slid open. "Um, thank you?" Stepping inside he once again found himself standing stone still in utter awe, his head back, his eyes wide, as he slowly turned in a circle to take it all in. "Wow."
"Season's Greetings, Mr. Parker." The accented voice called out from nowhere. "Welcome to Stark Tower. How may I be of assistance?"
"Um," Peter blinked, his wide brown eyes darting around looking for the doorman or security officer or anyone. "Hello? Um, hi, uh I'd like to see Natasha Carter, please." He couldn't explain why but it felt like he was being watched so he held up the gift bag. "It's almost Christmas, oh, um, happy holidays? Yeah, anyway, um, it's almost Christmas and it's almost Nat's birthday, and I brought her a present. I think she lives here? Does she live here? Oh, I probably shouldn't ask that, you probably can't tell me if she does. You know what nevermind, this was probably a bad idea. I mean, my aunt broke up with her, and she probably doesn't want to see me anymore anyway. Thank you for letting me into your really nice lobby. I'll just go now."
Peter turned and began walking towards the door, his head hung low and his eyes burning a bit.
"Little spider?" Natasha called out softly when she saw the boy.
Spinning on his heel Peter looked towards the sound of Natasha's voice and saw the redhead standing by what looked like the silhouette of an elevator door. She was in ripped jeans, a cozy looking sweater, her hair was pulled back and her feet were bare. She looked like she did whenever he'd stopped at her apartment, comfortable and at home. It kind of made him sad. But then Natasha was smiling at him and he couldn't help but smile back as he ran over to her to hug her. "Hi Nat!"
To say Natasha was surprised would have been an understatement. When Jarvis told her the boy was here she'd actually asked the A.I. if he was sure it was Peter. She thinks Jarvis sounded offended when he said yes, he was sure. Jarvis had even pulled up the security feed to show her the boy walking into the building. She'd watched for a few seconds as he turned, taking it all in. Then she'd jumped to her feet and ran to the elevator to get to him before he could leave.
"I miss you Nat." Peter says before he can stop himself, pressing his face into Natasha's shoulder.
Natasha's eyes were starting to burn. Not only had she needed to deal with the loss of her relationship with May, but she'd also had to grieve over losing Peter as well. Peter had become family, and not being able to spend time with him hurt like fucking hell. "I've missed you too, Peter." She hugs him tightly and for a long time. When he finally lets her go and takes a step back she asks, "What are you doing here, little spider?"
Peter beams as he holds up his gift. "It's almost Christmas, and your birthday!"
"Oh Peter." Yeah, those were tears and Natasha didn't even care as she smiled warmly at the boy. "I have something for you, little spider. Wanna come up? Or is May waiting on your outside?"
Peter bit his lip, but managed not to duck his head, shaking it instead. "She's not, I have time."
Natasha smiled happily and led Peter upstairs to her apartment. There was a Christmas tree in the common area between her place and Sharon's and the decorating had become something of a joke between them, and had gotten a bit out of hand. All of the ornaments were weapons related, guns, knives, garnaides, the garlin were strung together bullet casings, and the topper was an old shell from a missile launcher. When Peter saw it he gave Natasha a strange look and she just shrugged and chuckled. "Sharon's weird."
Inside Natasha's apartment there wasn't a single hint to the quickly approaching holidays. As Peter looked around, Natasha telling him to make himself at home while she disappeared down a hallway, he didn't see much of Natasha in the space either. There were a few pictures in frames, her mothers, her cousins, and the members of her family she'd lost. There was even a picture hidden in the back of a bookshelf of him, May, and Natasha taken in the park. But where was Natasha's artwork and posters of ballerinas and operas? The brick-a-brack that used to be on display in her apartment in Queens? Her medals and awards? The books and records?
A meow at his feet caught Peter's attention and he looked down to see Natasha's orange tabby cat rubbing up against his legs. Crouching down he gave the cat a pet. "Hi Goose."
"I probably should have mailed this out by now." Natasha said as she came back carrying a box with wrapped gifts in it. "Good thing I didn't."
Peter smiles as he stands and walks over to sit with Natasha on the sofa. She tells him that a couple of the gifts are from her mothers, a book on mechanical design, a stocking full of candies and cookies, a hand knitted Fourth Doctor's scarf, and his very own Nerf gun for Carter Nerf Wars. He laughed a little at the last one to cover up the pain and sadness at thinking he'd never get to be in another Carter Nerf War, but it also made him smile because great minds think alike. Reaching into the bag he brought he pulled out a gift wrapped in Christmas paper and held it out to Natasha. "You should open this one."
"Ok." Natasha said brightly as she tore into the kittens in stockings wearing santa hats paper. Inside she found two custom Nerf guns. They were black, with her red hourglass logo painted on the grips, and a thin red spider web like crackling in the paint. Along the barrels Black Widow was painted in perfect weathered looking block letters with her hourglass between the words.
"Ned helped with the build." Peter said softly. "But I did the painting so he wouldn't know the theme."
"I love them, little spider." Natasha beamed as she looked up at him, a huge smile on her lips and her blue-green eyes bright with unshed tears. "They're really good, Peter. Thank you."
She wasn't going to cry, she wasn't going to put Peter through that. Natasha didn't want to cause the boy any kind of distress. Exchanging gifts should be a happy thing to do. She wanted to keep the look of awe on Peter's face as he opened the Stark watch, Iron Man themed of course, that she'd given him. She wanted to see the joy when he opened the Star Wars lego set, and the new camera. Once the Christmas gifts are opened, Peter hands her a small gift in Happy Birthday wrapping paper, and all attempts at not crying in front of him are forgotten. Inside the box is a beautiful spider pendant. The bail, the little piece that a chain went through, was attached to the abdomen of the silver spider, the birthstone for December set into its thorax, it's legs were half back and half forward. It's very first set of legs were pinched together holding a much smaller spider with the birthstone for August set into its thorax. "Peter."
Peter had a moment of panic when he saw the look on Natasha's face and the welling tears in her eyes. "Do you like it? Is it too much? I know you don't wear a lot of jewelry, just your cross sometimes. I thought you could put it on your charm bracelet maybe, the one Mrs. Carter got you, if you didn't want to wear it as a necklace." He rubs the back of his neck nervously as he watches Natasha cry. "I'm sorry Nat, please don't cry, I didn't mean to make you cry. I just thought, well, spiders are kind of special between us, yeah? So I thought, I don't know, I just thought you might like it."
"Oh sweetie." Natasha is quick to reassure the boy, giving him a megawatt smile before pulling him in for a hug. "It's beautiful Peter." Natasha tells him as she holds him close. "And you were right, spiders are special between us." When she pulls back from the hug she runs her finger over the baby spider dangling from the mama spider's legs. How can a heart be both so full of joy and yet break at the same time? "I love it, little spider."
"Really?" Peter was on the verge of beaming but he wasn't sure quite yet.
Natasha nods as she reaches for the boy to hug him again. She missed Peter and May terribly, and seeing Peter again after so many months apart had been wonderful but it had also reopened a wound that hadn't healed, causing a renewal of her pain. After letting go of Peter she excused herself, telling him she wanted to get a chain to put her pendant on. She also wanted a moment to reign herself in, to get a handle on her emotions so they could enjoy what time together they had left. When she returned she found Peter pacing the room while on his phone, causing her to raise an eyebrow.
"I had something I needed to do, Aunt May." Peter said, trying to keep his voice low so Natasha wouldn't hear. "Yes, in Manhattan."
"Peter." Natasha says, crossing her arms over her chest. "Does May know you're here?"
Peter jumps, turning to see Natasha standing there, his eyes wide. For a moment he looks like a fish gulping at the air. It's May's voice that finally makes him respond, "Yeah, Aunt May, that's Nat. I wanted to bring her her presents."
May insists on coming to pick him up. Natasha tells him to tell her to come down into the tower's residential garage. There are gifts for May as well in the box, which Natasha helps Peter take down when Jarvis tells them May has arrived. May sits in the car, unable to force herself to get out. Watching the way Peter hugs Natasha goodbye, the way Nat's eyes close as she rests her cheek on top of Peter's head, it hurts. It hurts a hell of a lot because she knows she's the reason the two haven't seen each other, why they're no longer in each other's lives. God, she misses Natasha.
Peter doesn't talk to her for three days, and she's tired of trying to explain she was only trying to protect them from more pain, and the kind of dangers Natasha's life revolved around. Peter was just a toddler when his parents were killed, and a small boy when Ben died, he didn't see the crippling grief May suffered. She did everything in her power to hide it from him, to be there for his grief, his sadness, his fears. She had to be there for Peter, and over time her own pain lessened and she was able to live with the grief if not deal with it properly. She never expected to feel for anyone anything close to what she'd felt for Ben, and then Natasha happened. Now May was convincing herself that the pain of breaking up was far more bearable than the pain of losing Natasha another way.
It was nearly Christmas Eve, and May needed to pick up a few last minute things for dinner. A few of the things on her list were speciality items that forced her to venture to the Italian market in Brooklyn. She's just reaching for the next item on her list to place it in her basket when she feels someone step up beside her. Turning to see who had invaded her personal space May nearly flinched at the sight of the older woman. "Mrs. Carter, hi."
Angie smiled politely at the woman who broke her daughter's heart. She had to remind herself that whatever happened, the two younger women loved each other, so she promised herself she would be nice. "Hiya May, Merry Christmas dear." She let her blue-green gaze sneak a peek into May's basket and then added, "Feast of the Seven Fishes?"
May nods. "We do it every year on Christmas Eve."
"So do we." Angie replies. "I'm actually here to pick up my fish order, clams, squid, crab, salmon, fresh anchovies, and so on."
"I'm not normally a fan of anchovies," May says, getting caught up in making small talk to avoid anything heavier, but then she continued with, "but Nat made this pasta one night that was amazing."
Angie watched May flinch when she brought up Natasha and she couldn't help but smirk. While she cared a great deal about May, the woman had hurt her angel, and Angie was relieved to see the other woman seemed to be hurting as well. It was petty, she knew that, but this was her baby they were talking about. Angie would give the Pope the evil eye if he dared to cause her angel to shed a single tear. "My Nonna's recipe, I'm sure." She paused a moment, she could hear her wife's voice in her head warning her against what she was about to do, but what Peggy didn't know wouldn't hurt her. "How are you and Peter doing, dear? The last few months must have been just as hard on you as they've been on Natasha."
"I'm sorry I hurt her." May says softly instead of answering Angie's question, her head dropping and her gaze landing on her shoes.
"I've been in your shoes, May." Angie tells the younger woman. "I've been the one faced with loving someone who does what Natasha does, what Peggy did." She waits for the younger woman to look up at her before she continues. "I know you're afraid, that you're trying to protect yourself, but are you? I mean, if something, God forbid," Angie crossed herself with her freehand as she said a quick silent prayer for her child's safety. "Where to happen to Natasha, would it really hurt any less now that you're not together? Or could it maybe be worse? Because you missed out on the time you could have been together being happy?"
May hadn't thought of it that way. The fear she'd felt following the Battle of New York had been clawing at her, pressing on her chest until she couldn't breath, waking her in the middle of the night and leaving her gasping for breath.
Angie reaches out and puts her hand on May's arm. "If you want to talk about it with someone who understands, May, please call me. We'll have coffee, and we'll talk."
She didn't really have any intentions of ever calling Angie. May had made up her mind, this is what was best for everyone. Well, maybe not the best, and maybe not for everyone, but it was the choice she made and she was going to stick to it. But then she sees Natasha face to face at a concert they were supposed to go to together, and she feels herself getting caught up in a windstorm. Natasha had surprised her with Barbra Streisand tickets, there hadn't been any reason for it, she'd simply done it because they were both fans and she'd wanted it to be something they experienced together. "Something every good Brooklyn girl should do if given the chance, and I want us to do it together." She'd said. A couple of weeks after the break up May had gotten an email from Natasha saying to use the tickets. She wasn't going to, but she'd mentioned it to Carmen and before she knew what was happening she and Carmen were sitting in the seats meant for herself and Natasha.
Then she heard the chatter of familiar voices and when May looked up there was Natasha surrounded by her mothers, her cousin Sharon, and Pepper. May watched Natasha stiffen at the sight of her, saw the flicker or pain in her blue-green eyes and it cut at May's heart.
"I'm so sorry." Natasha says. "Tony surprised us with a girls' night out. I didn't think to check the seats on the tickets."
"It's alright, Nat." May says, and then corrects herself because only friends called her that. "Natasha." She tries to smile a reassuring smile, a light and easy smile. "I'm glad you got to come. You were really excited for this."
"So were you." Natasha says softly. "I'm glad you decided to use the tickets."
They're not seating super close, but they're close enough that they can steal glances throughout the show. It's terribly cliche, but May finds herself thinking about Natasha the whole time. Her memories of them together playing out to the very songs so often played over the montage of memories in the movies they would curl up and watch on each other's sofas. Closing her eyes as she listens, May could almost feel the warmth and strength of Natasha's arms around her, feel the weight of Natasha's head resting atop her own as she's snuggled into the crook of Natasha's neck, her fingers dancing over the skin of Natasha's stomach after her hand finds its way up her shirt, as they watch Funny Girl or The Way We Were. It's the memories of Natasha and Peter that finally drive May from her seat. Natasha and Peter making a mess out of her kitchen while singing along to the soundtrack to Gypsy while trying to bake cupcakes. Natasha and Angie teaching Peter Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy in the living room of the Carter brownstone, while she and Peggy laugh, because he'd asked about what kinds of things happened in a USO show. May's fears hadn't just taken a lover from herself, but a family from Peter, and that she couldn't bear.
Natasha saw May flee with tears in her eyes and was quick to jump to her feet and follow. Out in the lobby she called out a soft, "May?"
May freezes, tenses up, and makes no move to turn towards Natasha. She didn't want the other woman to see her in tears.
For a moment Natasha just stood there and chewed on her lip but then she walked over to May and put her hand on the other woman's shoulder. "May?"
The breath May took before finally turning to face her ex-girlfriend caused her whole body to shudder. When she was facing Natasha, she tried so hard not to look up into those blue-green eyes she knew would be full of concern. When she felt Natasha's fingers under her chin, May tried to refuse letting Natahsa tilt her head up because she was afraid of what else she would see in those eyes. Would she see pitty or anger? Or, what really scared her, would she still see love?
"I'm sorry, May." Natasha says gently when she finally gets the other woman to look at her.
May shakes her head. "Don't, Natasha, don't do that. You have nothing to apologize for."
"Me being here is hurting you." Natasha aruges.
May shakes her head again. She finally looks into Natasha's eyes and she's on the verge of a sob. "My own choices and actions are hurting me, Nat, not you."
Without thinking Natasha reaches up to brush at the tears on May's cheeks, gently wiping them away, and cupping her face gently. Being this close to May again, it's got her all muddled up inside and while logically she knows she shouldn't say it, her heart does it anyway. "I miss you, May, a lot."
"I miss you too." May admits.
The kiss doesn't surprise them, it's warm, welcome, and comforting. It's gentle, soft, and still full of love and affection. It's what happens after the kiss that surprises them both. Which one leads the other to the bathroom they're not sure, but as the speaker system plays As if We Never Said Goodbye from the stage, it's Natasha's back that's pressed up against the wall of the furthest stall from the door. The mix of physical pleasure and emotional pain leaves them both flushed, their faces tear soaked, and when they part they're both too dazed to think about what this meant, if it meant anything at all.
May calls Angie after that and they start having coffee once a week.
Natasha, confused and feeling out of sorts, flees to the Barton farm for a while. She had finally started feeling at peace with losing May, she still hurt, but at least she wasn't drinking herself stupid with her cousins or throwing herself into dangerous siturations anymore. When Maria offered her a mission that could possibility cause her to cross paths with her old Russian fuck buddy, Natasha opted to take some personal days. After being there for about a week, after Clint takes Cooper and Lila into town, Natasha's left alone with Laura who smiles at her in that big sister way she has and Natasha sighs because she knows what's coming.
"So," Laura begins as she hands Natasha a bottle of beer before sitting in the rocking chair beside Natasha's on the porch. "What are you hiding from, Nat?"
Natasha snorts in a way she hopes sounds like an offended kind of snort. "I'm not hiding from anything. Can't I just come and hang out with you and the kids without having a reason?"
"Of course you can sweetie." Laura reassures the other woman. "But I know you, Nat, there's something weighing on you pretty heavily."
"You're as bad as my mothers." Natasha grumbles before taking a long drink from her bottle. "It's no wonder I hang out with guys so much." Laura just smirks at her, eyebrow raised, waiting. Natasha sighs. "May and I had sex in a bathroom stall at a Barbra Streisand concert."
"Are you two back together?" Laura asks, ignoring the whole ripped from a trashy lesbian novel senrio, because she'd heard Natasha's drunken sexcapades stories before and knew that wasn't her first encounter with public sex.
Natasha sighes and shakes her head. "No."
"Ah." Laura replies with understanding.
"I was just starting to hurt less, ya know." Natasha tells her. "And then wham, we have this moment, and now I just hurt all over again."
Laura reaches over and puts her hand on Natasha's knee. "I'm sorry, sweetie." After she redraws her hand and sits back in her chair she asks, "Do you think maybe there's a chance for the two of you?"
"I don't know." Natasha admits with a shrug of her shoulders. "I wouldn't have thought there was, but, I can't ignore the emotion that was there. I still love her, Laura, and I think she still loves me." She sighs. "But loving each other was never the problem, it was the Black Widow that was the problem."
"Fear and uncertainty is the problem, Nat." Laura tells her. "It's not easy loving someone who might not come home."
"People say that to me like I don't fucking understand it." Natasha says with an edge. "I might not have known my mother was the director of SHIELD, but I knew she did something that caused my Ma to worry, to be afraid she wasn't coming home, and I felt it too."
"Which is why you were so willing to let May go without much of a fight." Laura tells her. "You knew that fear in a certain way, and you didn't want to inflect it on her, so you just let her walk away instead of trying to help her come to terms with it."
"Yeah." Natasha says bitterly. Letting her head fall back against the back of the chair, Natasha sighs. "Everyone thinks I just need to move on, find someone to rebound with, and then move past it, past her. But I can't."
"Everyone?" Laura questions.
"Tony, Sharon, Clint, hell even Steve's been throwing out name suggestions for me." Natasha snorts as she thinks of the role reversal between herself and Steve.
Laura hums softly as she sips her beer. "You've never had an issue with causal sex before."
"Yeah, but, now's different." Natasha replies. When Laura asks why she thinks about it and shrugs as she simply says, "May."
"You're not together, Nat." Laura points out. "It wouldn't be cheating."
"I know." Natasha huffs at her friend. "I just don't wanna."
Laura smiles. "You don't want anyone but May."
Natasha nods, sighs, and then closes her eyes. Why was her personal life so much harder than fighting invading aliens and Hydra? Really, shouldn't that have been the easy part of her life? She loved May, why couldn't that just be enough? Maybe the others were right. Maybe she just needed to get May out of her system. A few days later when Hill calls with another mission Natasha takes it. Two weeks after she leaves, Natasha misses her first check in, and then another, and it's clear something's gone wrong.
May's expecting Angie for coffee but not Angie and Peggy. The looks on their faces let her know something is wrong, but their words still hit like a ton of bricks. "Natasha was on a mission, and she's gone dark. We don't know what's happened yet, but, May, Natasha's missing."