Everyone was right. The fact that they weren't together did not lessen the way May felt about Natasha. The woman she loved was missing and May Parker was a wreck, she was terrified and worried, angry and on edge. She was doing her best to mask her concern and fear for Peter's sake, but she knew he knew something was off. She just didn't have the courage to tell him what it was. He adored Natasha. She adored Natasha. What had she been thinking? Letting her fears and uncertainty get the better of her! What if, what if something bad has happened, and Natasha's gone? All of that time they could have been together but weren't because May was a coward? During one of their afternoon coffees Angie had told her self preservation wasn't cowardice, that it was human nature to want to protect the heart from pain and suffering, and that it took a great amount of strength to fight against that. Angie had admitted to her that she had gone through her own struggle in dealing with fear and uncertainty when it came to a life with Peggy, even though she loved Peggy with every fiber of her being. She'd told the younger woman that she thought she'd had it all under control, but then after Natasha came along, she found herself struggling again. She told May that it would just be something that would always be there, that would alway need tending too.
"Love is this big overwhelming wonderful thing that you feel." Angie had told her. "But so is fear, and uncertainty, and you have to find a way to balance it all out, because everything you feel matters, the good, the wonderful, the bad, and the scary."
May couldn't imagine anything scarier than this. Natasha was the infamous Black Widow, the only woman to stand alongside the Avengers, and yet she'd come up missing on a mission? May wasn't allowed to know any details, but she knew Natasha. There was no way the redhead would stay away from her family of her own accord, which meant she'd been captured. Her mothers reassured everyone that she was still alive. "I would know if she weren't." Peggy had insisted. "I would know if my child was no longer of this world, I'd feel it in my bones, in my heart, in my very soul if Natasha was gone." Angie had told May the same thing, and unlike the others who humored them, May knew it to be true. If something would, god forbid, happen to Peter she would know it. The world would feel different if he weren't in it. So if Peggy and Angie said Natasha was alive, she was alive.
While believing Natasha was alive was comforting, it didn't ease the fear however. Just because she was alive, didn't mean she was well. Who knew what her captors were doing to her. She was probably hurt badly, because that's the only reason she wouldn't have fought for herself, fought to get home to the people who loved her, who she loved. Unsure of what she could do, other than be supportive of Natasha's mothers, May fell back on her upbringing. It had been a long time since she'd been in a church, Ben's funeral had been the last time she'd set foot in one, but she found herself walking into one now. Natasha had mentioned it many times, the old Episcopal cathedral she and her mothers attended when they lived in New York, and it was just as beautiful as the redhead had said it was. There were a handful of people, mostly older, scattered around in the pews, one of which May knew. She walked silently down the aisle, trying not to feel too uncomfortable, and then slipped into the seat beside Angie.
Angie glanced over at her, gave her a small smile, and then returned her attention to her rosary. May just sat there for a few moments, unsure of what to do at first, and then she reaches for her bag and pulls out her own set of rosary beads. She doesn't really remember the prayers, so she just sits there and fidgets with the beads and silently repeats, 'Please be ok, please come home, I'm so sorry, and I love you Nat, please please come home to us.'
After they leave the church Angie walks them to a nearby cafe where they have coffee and pick at fruit turnovers. When she notices that May's shredded her apple turnover Angie reaches out and puts her hand on the younger woman's. "Peggy's taken herself out of retirement, May. She's leading the team looking for our girl. She'll find Natasha, and she'll bring her home to us." She smiled reassuringly and then a little wickedly. "And God have mercy on the people who took her."
Agent Melinda May walked into the large room with it's open space, tell tale signs of construction, and a large bar along one whole wall, with a deep frown. She had no idea why she'd been summoned to Stark Tower of all places. Her team needed her, Skye and Phil needed her, not the Avengers. Spotting Maria Hill she walked over to the other woman with purpose and demanded, "What the hell am I doing here, Hill?"
"Hello to you too, Agent May." Maria greets with a hint of amusement and without looking up from her ever present tablet.
Agent May crossed her arms over her chest. "Why did you call me here?"
"I didn't." Maria replies, still working her tablet and not looking at the shorter woman.
"I did." Peggy announced as she walked into the room. "I called in the Cavalry, Agent May."
May went to attention instantly. "Director Carter, Ma'am." With her focus drawn away from Hill and onto her former boss and commander Agent May noticed who stood with Carter. Agent 13, Captain America, Agent Barton, and Agent Morse, were gathering around the formabale woman. May also noticed who was not in the mix. Natasha. "What do you need me to do, Ma'am?"
Peggy smiled at the woman and sighed a bit in relief. "Help me find my daughter."
There's old archive footage from the war showing the Howling Commandos bursting into Hydra bases led by a dark haired woman in a rich chocolate brown coat, tan shirt, dark tie, hair pinned up and back, machine gun in hand. Natasha used to wear that old leather jacket around the house long before she ever properly fit into it. It was soft, well worn, and smelled of leather and her mother, it was more comforting than any childhood blanket ever could be. When she'd been granted access to those old archives, Natahsa had watched and rewatched her mother and her uncles, finally connecting reality to the stories she'd been told all her life. Her mother had always been Natasha's hero, but seeing her in those old films, just made Peggy's past as Agent Carter that much more indomitable to Natasha.
Natasha only allowed herself moments of weakness when she was sure her captures were not focused on her. Even in her drugged and pain filled state she would not break, but in those few precious private moments she allowed herself to imagine her mother coming to her rescue, bursting in through the door in her chocolate brown jacket, gun raised, Uncle Dum Dum to her right, one of the other Howlies to her left. It gave her a moment of comfort that allowed her to think of a way out of this mess. She'd attempted escape a total of six times at this point, she supposed she should be grateful that they just drugged the fuck out of her instead of breaking her legs. The drugs kept her in a stupor, but did nothing to keep her from feeling the pain from the beatings, so her mind was more than a little addled. Which is why she didn't know that what she was seeing through her half lidded blurred eyes was real.
The door to the room Natasha was being held in was ripped off its hinges. A moment later a dark haired woman in a SHIELD tactical uniform, rifle held at the ready, came charging in flanked by Captain America to her right and a small Asian woman who made Natasha think of a very angry, rabbid, badger to her left. She felt like she should know the angry badger woman. Oh! Angry badger woman kind of reminded her of Melinda, who would not have liked that comparison at all, and would be really pissed at her for letting herself get captured. Melinda had trained her better than that, her mother had raised her better than that. Come to think of it, the dark haired woman in the SHIELD uniform kind of looked like her Mum, though the last time Natasha had seen anyone look that angry it ended in her being chased by a massive green rage monster.
It wasn't until another woman in a SHIELD uniform came in to join the fight, Natasha had been under guard and was currently strapped down in a chair awaiting another round of interrogation, that Natasha's mind cleared enough to realize this was real. It was when she heard Sharon's voice, caught a glimpse of her with her dual glocks in hand, that Natasha's protective instinct kicked in, the adrenaline burning away some of the drug's effects. She began fighting against her restraints, violently, because that was Sharon, and if they caught Sharon they would hurt her! Needing to get Sharon's attention as she thrashed, Natasha began to whisper in a horse voice, "Mushy peas."
With the rest of her team engaging the enemy, Peggy rushed to Natasha instantly, firing at the men closest to her daughter, killing them. When she gets to her, she slings the strap of her rifle over her shoulder, and then tries to calm Natasha enough to free her. "Easy Agent Carter, easy now." She commanded, but Natasha simply kept repeating a muttered nonsense phrase over and over again as she fought against her restraints and Peggy's touch. It was breaking Peggy's heart, which is why it took a moment for Peggy to realize what Natasha was doing. Watching Natasha's frantic blue-green eyes track Sharon, Peggy realized her daughter was using the identification method she had taught them to use as girls. "Agent Thirteen! I need your assistance!"
Sharon worked her way over to her aunt and cousin as soon as Peggy called out for her. Once she reached them she put her hand on Natasha's shoulder, heard what Natasha was muttering and quickly replied, "Lima beans, Nat, lima beans."
Natasha instantly stopped struggling, relaxed, and breathed out. "Sharon."
"Hi." Sharon replied as she reached out to hold Natasha's face in her hands for a moment. When their eyes met she smiled at her cousin and said, "Got yourself in a real mess this time didn't you, Widow."
"Yeah," Natasha replied with a soft moan. "Fucked up." She added, as Sharon let go of her face to help unstrap her from the chair. "Fucked up bad, Shar, don't tell my Mum ok?"
Sharon smirked and raised a brow as she lifted her gaze from Natasha to the woman on the other side of Natahsa. "Um, Nat."
Natasha, whose head was now free of the straps holding in its place, turned her head to see what Sharon was looking at. She blinked. Upclose the dark haired woman really really looked like her Mum. She blinked again.
"I'm afraid this is a cousins' secret that can't be kept, poppet." Peggy says as she caresses Natasha's cheek.
The battered redhead jumps when it hits her. "Mum." A wave of relief washes over her and Natasha lets out a small heartbreaking sob. "What are you doing here? In a SHIELD uniform?"
Peggy smiles warmly as she holds Natasha's face in her hands. "Some bloody idiots thought it a good idea to take my child, I had to come show them the error of their ways, and I quite like the uniform, think I'll keep it."
While Peggy and Sharon had been freeing Natasha, the rest of the team, Agent May, Steve, Morse, Barton, and Hill, had been fighting the reinforcements sent after they'd made their way through the main contingent of enemy combatants. After several more minutes of heavy fighting, Agent May and Steve return with the all clear. As Steve gingerly picks Natasha up and cradles her in his arms, he promises Peggy to be as gentle with her as possible. Peggy smiles thankfully at him before returning her attention to Natasha. She smiles down at her daughter and reassures, "Now, let's get you home, my girl."
Natasha loses consciousness on the quinjet on the way to the nearest SHIELD medical facility, which unfortunately isn't in New York but Berlin. Peggy doesn't want to take any chances, she wants Natasha examined by doctors as soon as possible, so she makes the call for Berlin. With the exception of Sharon, she leaves her SHIELD agents behind to investigate, while Steve accompanies them to the medical facility. She commanded Sharon to the cockpit, and then took a moment to tease Steve about the last time he was allowed to fly a plane. When Peggy settles beside Natasha she feels Steve's hand on her shoulder, squeezing in reassurance, and she almost breaks. Almost. She manages to hold off until she calls Angie to tell her that they have Natasha and that she's taking her to Berlin.
May had no choice but to go to work. It's not like she could tell her boss that her secret spy newly minted Avenger ex-girlfriend was missing, and that she couldn't be on that conference call with the mayor's office because she was scared out of her fucking mind. Thankfully she made it through her meetings, and now she was just sitting at her desk with her thoughts on what ifs and do overs, not her work. When her phone buzzed, rattling loudly on her desk top, May glanced down to silence the noise, but when when she saw it was Angie she quickly snatched it up. "Hello?"
"They got her, May." Angie's voice rings out over the line. "They found Nat, and they've got her."
May lets out a little sob as her eyes fill with tears of relief.
"She's on her way to a hospital in Berlin." Angie continues. "I'm leaving now to meet them."
Relief washes over May like crashing waves over the sand. As she feels her tears roll down her cheeks and rushes to the bathroom to hide her small breakdown. The hospital is a SHIELD facility, May doesn't have clearance, otherwise Angie would ask her to come alone. May tells the older woman she understands. Angie promises to keep her updated, and she does. For the next two weeks May gets text updates on Natasha from her mother. She'd had to have surgery for some internal bleeding, but that was the worst of her physical injuries. She had a broken wrist, broken nose, broken ribs, more bruising than she'd had after the Battle of New York, and a handful of small things that made up the rest of her physical injuries. Nothing she hadn't had in the past from missions, or even gymnastics. It was Natasha's mental recovery that would take more time, Angie warns, wanting to be as up front with the younger woman as possible.
"We're bringing her home tomorrow, May." Angie told the woman over the phone. "Tony's added a medical wing to the Tower, we're going to settle her in there to finish her recovery. You should come and see her, May."
May isn't sure if Natasha would want to see her, and if she did, would she want her to see her like this? But the more she thought about it, the more May realized, this is exactly how she should see her. After the way she ran out on Natasha, she needed to show the other woman she was ready to be there, even at her worst.
Natasha kept running the mission over and over in her mind trying to figure out where it had all gone so wrong, and she kept coming up with nothing. She couldn't pinpoint the grave mistake she had to have made to land herself in that situation, but surely she had to have made one. It was starting to piss her off, and she was lashing out at the people around her. It didn't help that she was confined to a hospital bed, at least now that she was in Stark Tower she could work, but even that had to be done on the sly. Tony shouldn't have given her such a high level of access to Jarvis if he wanted her to rest. Sharon had convinced her mothers to go home, to shower and sleep in their own bed for a night, giving Natasha a couple of hours to poke around in some SHIELD files to find out what was going on. Not that Sharon knew that she was giving Natasha time to work. Natasha had promised to rest while Sharon was gone. As she shifted through the date, Natasha knew she had to be careful, one wrong move and she'd alert Melinda, who was royally pissed at her for getting hurt, that she was snooping into her investigation.
"Should you really be working right now?" Was said from the doorway, and when Natasha looked up the woman standing there was not the May she was expecting. May smiled cautiously at the woman in the hospital bed. "Hi Nat."
"May," Natasha breathed out, her blue-green eyes wide, her mouth slightly open in surprise. "Hi."
"May I come in?" May bit her lip, and shoved her fisted hands further into the pockets of her long sweater.
"Yeah, sure, of course." Natasha replies as she swipes away the displays she'd been working on. She watched with a sense of cautious curiosity as her ex made her way across the room towards her.
"How are you feeling?" May asks when she reaches the bed, her gaze locked on Natasha's. The uncertainty in those blue-green eyes hurt because May knows she's the one who put it there, along with the pain and longing she could also see.
"Not great, but better," Natasha answers.
An awkward silence grew between them as May stood there next to Natasha's hospital bed until she took her hands out of her sweater pockets so she could wrap the sweater around herself, holding it closed tightly around her body by pressing her arms over her stomach. "So," She finally says, breaking the silence. "As it turns out, putting us both through heartbreak and pain did not shield me from feeling scared to death when I heard you were missing. Which means," May saw that Natasha was about to say something and shook her head. "Don't, just let me say this." Natasha nodded and May continued. "Which means, I made a mistake, Natasha. I let my fear push me into making a choice I regret but was too stubborn to take back. I cheated us out months of being happy together, you, me, and Peter, and I'm sorry Natasha, I am so sorry."
Natasha's head was spinning as she tried to sort out what May was saying. She wouldn't let herself hope that May was saying there was a chance at having a second chance, but with everything else she was feeling, the guilt and anger at the mission going bad, she really wanted too. Hope would be a nice thing to feel right now. She let herself think of the conversation she'd had with Laura on the Barton's front porch and said, "I didn't know my Mum and SHIELD until I was seventeen, but I knew that sometimes my Ma was really afraid for her, and that made me afraid too. So I can understand where you were coming from, May." She pauses for a moment, still thinking about her time with Laura and smiles. "I have this friend, she likes to call me a self-sacrificing jackass sometimes, and she's right. You're not the only one who cost us time, May. I could have, should have, fought harder for us."
"You were respecting my wishes, Nat." May replies with a hint of a smile starting to tug at her lips. "I'd say that was at the very least galant."
"Well, I was raised by an English gentlewoman you know." Natasha too was starting to allow a smile to blossom and her eyes took on a glimmer of hope.
The silence between them this time wasn't as awkward. And this time, as May began to speak, instead of trying to wrap herself up, she let go of the edges of her sweater so she could reach out and take Natasha's hand. For a moment she was actually afraid Natasha wouldn't take it, so when the redhead did, she felt tears sting her eyes. "I hurt you Natasha, and for that I am so, so sorry." She pauses for a moment, takes a deep breath, and then goes on. "I'm still shaky on this whole loving a secret agent superhero thing, but if you'd be willing to forgive me, and help me, I'd like to try again, because I really do love you, Natasha."
"I love you too." Natasha replies easily as she finally allows her hope to build and spread throughout her body. It feels like stepping into the sun after weeks of standing alone in the cold rain."So yes, of course, I want to work on us, I want there to be an us again."
May's smile finally appears in full force; she chuckles a happy little sob, and then asks. "Would it be alright if I kissed you?"
"God please yes." Natasha replies, her smile bright as May moves towards her, but then she adds, "Just watch the nose."
May coos softly and pouts out her bottom lip. "Oh, you're poor, beautiful nose."
Natasha laughs and then pulls May in, tired of waiting, and kisses her.