Chapter 5
"Are you reading again?"
He turns to me and smiles softly. He's sitting on my windowsill with one leg propped up and the other dangling. The sun shines brightly behind him and makes his hair look even brighter. He closes his book and jumps off his seat and pats my head.
"Want to borrow it when I'm done?" his smile never leaves his face.
I peer up at him and touch his hand. "Honestly, you're the only one who can get me to read books."
He chuckles and holds my hand tighter. "I'll probably finish this one today. You want to come to my house tomorrow? I'll let you pick your next reading assignment."
I roll my eyes and playfully push his shoulder. "I'll just pick some books and leave. No funny business, alright?"
His eyes disappear as he beams, obviously pleased with my answer. "Of course."
I look at the clock on my bedside table and he immediately understands what I'm thinking.
"I should go. Your mother's coming home soon." He says softly.
I look down apologetically. "I'm sorry. Just wait a little more. I promise— "
He shakes his head and smiles again. "No rush. Although I'd love to meet her as soon as possible but I'm willing to wait."
I sigh heavily and let myself be enveloped by his strong arms. It feels reassuring and safe. It feels like home.
"Nee-chan? Are you awake?" I blink at the bright lights showering the room. My eyes adjust to the sudden glare and when my vision starts to clear, I see my little sister's worried face.
"Suzuna? What are you doing here?" I ask rubbing my eyes and sitting up.
"Nee-chan, do you remember what happened?" she asks back. Despite her monotonous look, her eyes give away the emotion she feels. It's not until a few seconds that I could finally take in where I am. "You're in the hospital. You fainted in front of your apartment building. Good thing your neighbor saw you and called for help."
My brows furrow as I try to recall my memories. I was walking home with Usui. We were talking for a while until we reached the building. He didn't go inside with me. He left to go to the store. I remember his back facing me as he walked away.
He walked away.
The pain in my head moved to my chest and I clutched it as I breathed in deeply. My tears threatened to spill. I didn't know what was going on. Why am I hurting? Why can't I remember?
"Nee-chan, have you been getting headaches again? Didn't I tell you to go to the doctor?" Suzuna pouts a little as she tries her best to scold me. If I wasn't it so much turmoil, I would have thought she looked cute.
Pearls of sweat appear on my forehead as I try to calm my aching heart. "I'm sorry, Suzuna. I just feel like… like I'm forgetting something." My breathing slows but my hand is still grasping my chest as if it would lessen the heavy feeling.
I don't miss the slight change of her expression no matter how almost unnoticeable it may be to others. She puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes it a little. With a serious tone, she asks again, "Do you remember anything?"
I am afraid to recall my memories. Afraid that if that image appears in my head again, the pain comes back. I'm afraid of what implication that memory may bring.
"Rain." My voice is small, almost drowned out by the buzzling noise of the nurses and patients in the hospital ward.
My little sister now looks confused. "It wasn't raining when you fainted last ni— "she stops mid-sentence and I look at her suspiciously as her face turns to a mild surprise.
"What is it?" I press on hoping for answers to my unspoken questions.
She shakes her head. "No. Nothing. You must have hit your head when you fell. I'll call the doctor to let them know you're awake. Stay there." She quickly let's go of me and heads out of the ward.
I lay in my bed as I wait for Suzuna and the doctor. My mind wanders to the image before I fainted. Who was that man? Why was he walking away from me when I was lying on the ground? Was it during the accident two years ago? I remember so little of what happened that I'm not even sure what's real anymore. Suzuna told me I was on my way to a friend's house and that I took a cab. That's when I got into an accident. But her story felt wrong on so many levels. Because I wasn't riding a cab. I was with someone I knew. I just can't remember who it was. So many questions are swimming in my head and I'm getting anxious at how oblivious I am with my own memories.
The doctor comes in with Suzuna, interrupting my thoughts. She quickly examines me and prescribes some medicine for my consistent headache.
"I was told by your sister that you got into an accident a while back. Did your headaches start after what happened?" the doctor asks.
I give a curt nod. Suzuna looks at the doctor firmly despite trying to look nonchalant. As if she's carefully monitoring her words as she spoke to me.
"I see. Have you visited the hospital for a check-up after?" she asks again.
I look away for a second, clearly embarrassed about not having to get another check-up done after the accident. The doctor squints at me for a moment before speaking. "Ayuzawa-san, it is imperative that you get another check-up done no matter how minor the accident was. It seems to me as if your headache is not ordinary. We can schedule an MRI scan to check any issues— "
I put my hands up in refusal. I understand how important that is but the headaches aren't something I can't handle. "Doctor, I get what you're saying but I really don't have the money for that right now. Can't I just make do with the medicine you've prescribed?" I plead.
She sighs exasperatedly as if she's heard this statement a million times from other patients. "The medicine is merely a temporary solution. We won't know what's going on until we thoroughly examine you." She says sternly. The doctor looks at my sister seemingly hoping for help in convincing me otherwise.
"Can I get back to you on that, doc? I promise I'll schedule an appointment soon." I swear to her.
She sighs again. "Please come see me when the headaches start again."
I leave the hospital with Suzuna and she escorts me home. It's already late in the afternoon. I must have stayed at the hospital the whole night. Which leads me to think…
"Suzuna! Why are you here?" I say as we ride the train going to my place.
She looks at me unsurprised by my sudden outburst. "I'm taking you home?"
"Who's with mom then?" I half scream. I can't believe I have to be babysat by my little sister just because I got careless.
Suzuna merely looks back in front of her. "Relax, Misaki-nee. I told you, mother's become really close with the nurses in the hospital. She's fine."
I sigh loudly and sink into my seat. Suzuna sits with her back straight and eyes forward. For a young girl, she's very much composed just like our mother. She has always taken the role of second mom in our family despite being the youngest and never saying anything. Because I had to focus on school and my part time jobs, Suzuna has naturally accepted the tasks without us ever asking her to. Although she's never complained to me about our situation, I always wonder what she thinks.
"Hey." I start.
"Hm?" she answers not looking.
I struggle for a bit on what to say before pushing forward with the conversation. "Are you… alright?"
The question must have caught her off-guard because this time, I have her full attention. "Why do you ask?"
"I just never hear you complain about anything." I simply say.
She understands without me having to explain any further. "Would you like me to?" she teases.
"Well, I'd like to at least know what you're thinking. It must be hard having to live at our aunt's and taking care of mom at the same time. I'm worried you might not have time to hang out with your friends." I say.
Her face doesn't show much except a blank expression. A girl her age should be full of life and emotion and I fear that I might have taken that away from her. Suzuna continues to look at me indifferently while she speaks. "I do hang out with friends, Nee-chan. In fact, I was with them last night until I got a call from your neighbor about you fainting."
I chuckle in embarrassment as she continues.
"I understand the situation and I get how you are. You always want to take on every problem alone which is why I never complain. Seeing you work so hard for us and even sacrificing going to school breaks my heart so I should at least be able to do this. Being in charge of the cooking and chores is barely a hard task even for me. Though I do wish you'd take it easy sometimes. You're too hard on yourself." She smiles a bit and goes on. "Mother has been doing quite well these days. I believe she'll be out of the hospital in no time, so don't worry about us." Her voice softens as she finishes.
My heart hurts for my little sister. She's grown so much in such little time. Too soon, I think. I feel that the world has really forced her to mature.
"I only wish for you to take care of yourself. I know you're doing this for our family but I'd like you to go back to school. You're supposed to be in college now but because… because of what happened, you couldn't finish your last year in high school. It's been two years too late, Nee-chan. You have dreams you want to fulfill too, right?" she says.
I sigh after her whole monologue. I knew she kept her feelings to herself but hearing them now is kind of a relief but somewhat unexpected. I didn't think she was worried about me after all this time, especially after what we'd been through.
"I'll see what I can do. I am planning to finish high school and maybe take a vocational course. It's not really what I had planned before but I at least should be able to get a degree." I assure her. It's not a concrete plan but it's doable considering the circumstances.
We reach our stop and proceed to walk to my apartment. I am reminded of what Suzuna had said a while ago as we near the building.
"By the way, which neighbor called you?" I ask, expecting her to say a blonde man with ridiculously good looks.
She opens her mouth to say something when she looks ahead and goes, "Oh, it's him."
My head whips almost immediately and turn to my savior.
"Oyy, Misaki-chan! I see you're all better." The uncle that lives a few floors below mine call out. My face must have shown obvious disappointment because he quickly asks if I was hurt anywhere. "You gave us quite a shock last night, passing out and all." Lines appear on the sides of his eyes as he grins.
"Ah, yes. Thank you so much for helping us." I bow my head to show appreciation. "It's just lack of sleep." I smile at him to hide my displeasure.
The three of us talk while we go inside the building. Suzuna wants to check if I still have enough food in my fridge and that I'm not eating instant noodles every day so we hop inside the elevator together. The uncle gets off on the third floor and when we reach our level, I see Usui Takumi leaning on his door like he's waiting for someone.
He sees me and Suzuna and I swear his eyes widen a bit. He quickly gives me a small smile and enters his apartment. I'm a little confused but decide not make a big deal out of it. It's probably the first time he's seen my sister.
I get out of the elevator and head to my apartment when Suzuna calls me. I look back at her and she's still staring at Usui's door.
"Oh, he knows me from work. We're not— he's not—" Suzuna is now looking at my red face. "We're neighbors… err friends, I guess."
"Hmm…" She looks at me suspiciously. I mean who wouldn't after that stammering explanation of mine. I just scratch my head and enter my apartment with Suzuna trailing behind but not before giving one last look at Usui's place.
"I've been meaning to ask." I say as soon she closes the door behind her. "Can you explain to me again what happened two years ago?"
She freezes as soon as I let the question out but quickly reverts back to her calm façade. "Haven't I told you everything before?"
"I know. I just… want to hear it again." I say because it's the truth. I'm trying to piece back my life with fragments of memories I've lost during the accident.
Suzuna sits on my bar stool and slowly twirls around like a child. She stops as she faces me and crosses her arms in front of her. Her expression turns serious— or at least the most she can make. She's in deep thought and I know she's careful of what words to use.
"Two years ago, you told us you were going to a friend's house. You didn't tell us where nor the reason why you were going there. You had very few friends and none of them we knew. To be honest, we didn't even know if you had any because you were so focused on school and your part time jobs. But after you said you were going out, we were kind of relieved because we thought you'd finally let loose and started socializing." She breathes in and looks at my expression to check if she had touched on a sensitive topic. Seeing none, she pressed on. "You took a cab and left early morning."
"Early morning? It wasn't night time?" I ask.
Suzuna shakes her head. "You said you'd be back by noon but you never did. Next thing we knew, Mom and I are rushing to the hospital. A truck driver had found you in an accident near the Hana Subdivision. We didn't know why you were there and when we asked you once you had regained consciousness, you couldn't remember anything." She stops again. I look at Suzuna and urge her to tell me more but she is hesitant.
"Why? Go on. I want to know." I push.
She frowns. "The thing is, it wasn't just memories of the accident you lost. It's almost like your whole high school life was a mystery to you. You could remember things like going to school or work but you couldn't remember the way to get there. You couldn't even remember your classmates or teachers faces." Suzuna pauses and her sadness is more evident now.
Ahh. This is where my memory stops. I remember everything from my childhood but a few years leading up to the accident is a blank that I have yet to completely fill. "We tried helping you retrieve your memories by having some of your teachers, classmates and colleagues from work come by and talk to you. Piece by piece you were starting to recall but once we neared the day of your accident, you'd have headaches and panic attacks. You'd sometimes pass out while forcing yourself to recall and when you woke up you'd forget things again."
My brows furrow. I remember a few nights ago when I tried to recall the memories of the accident and was met with a pounding headache. I flinch and Suzuna doesn't miss it.
"What's wrong? Is it a headache?" she asks with deep worry.
I shake my head. "I'm just trying to understand." I whisper.
She sighs. "Mother and I decided not to push you to remember despite us wanting to know what happened during the accident because we could see how painful it was for you. But you've been having headaches again and I'm worried." she frowns again.
"I'm alright." I smile at her and grasp her hand tightly. I could tell how difficult it was for her to relive those times just to tell me this again. Sometimes, I'm thankful that I don't remember such agonizing moments.
"Nee-chan, you don't have to remember what happened. If it hurts you so much, you don't need to push it. But please do take care of yourself. It's only us three, you know."
I pull her in for a hug and gently pat her head. "I know."
She stays for an hour and promises to visit next time with groceries because as she expected, there's less nutritious food in my fridge. I promise her I'll visit the hospital again, as well. It's almost night time when she leaves and I'm left alone in my apartment.
"I'm so sorry for yesterday, Manager." I bow apologetically at the head of the shop. It's another day at Maid Latte and I've decided to work extra hard after missing work yesterday. Honoka hasn't be very forgiving with the stern looks she's directing my way and I completely understand why.
Manager shakes her head. "No, no, Misa-chan. I told you to let us know if you were feeling unwell. But are you sure you're fit to work? You just got out of the hospital, right?" she asks worriedly.
I assure her that I'm okay and add a toothy grin. "I had a lot of worries about unnecessary things which caused the headaches but I've recovered completely. I'll be visiting the doctor again though for a thorough check-up so no need to worry."
Manager puts a hand on her chest and heaves a sigh of relief. I'm glad that I convinced her pretty easily. Subaru-san comes in and also checks up on me and despite Honoka constantly keeping me on my toes, she also tosses an advil for my headaches. I give her a smile as thanks and she responds with a curt nod.
Half the day has passed and I turn to see the next customer that comes in.
"Welcome back, Master." I bow.
"Ayuzawa." A chill runs down my spine as I hear his voice. I don't need to look up to see who the person before me was but I do anyway.
I am welcomed with a warm smile from Usui as our eyes meet. He looks… relieved? I try my best to not overthink his expression and lead him to an empty table at the corner of the room.
"What will it be, Master?" I ask, the smile never leaving my face.
He skims through the menu and picks a strawberry parfait. I give a small bow and turn to leave with his order until I'm stopped by his grasp on my wrist.
I freeze and slowly looks at his long slender fingers around my small hand. He feels warm despite the cold weather outside. My eyes linger a bit on the contact of our skin before meeting his gaze which screamed concern. I give him a questioning look.
"Yes? Is there anything else you need, Master?" I try to maintain my maid role despite my expression obviously losing character.
"Are you alright?" he asks.
My cheeks threaten to heat up. He hasn't let go of my hand yet and I feel that he intends to hear my answer before doing so. I clear my throat and face him. "I am."
He searches my eyes for something as if expecting me to say more but I don't so he frees my wrist from his tender grip and the cold replaces his warmth almost immediately. I can't say I'm not disappointed.
"I see." He mutters. His mouth opens again perhaps for another question but we're quickly interrupted by another customer calling for my attention. I place my smile back on my face again and head to the direction of the caller leaving Usui in his seat.
In the kitchen, our little exchange didn't go unnoticed by the other staff members.
"Ooooh, do you know him, Misa-chan?" Erika asks.
"Come to think of it, didn't you ask about him before?" Subaru adds.
"We don't fraternize with the customers, you know that." Honoka chimes in.
I sigh in defeat as all women come at me with questions and accusations. Manager Satsuki comes in and sees the slight commotion we have.
"What's going on ladies? What's all the fuss about?" she asks.
Honoka points an accusatory finger at me. "She's flirting with the customers."
Erika drops Honoka's finger down and lightly taps her shoulder. "She's not. Tell her, Misaki."
"H-he's my neighbor. We live in the same apartment building that's why he knows me." I finally say.
Subaru chuckles at us. "Well, you blew everything out of proportion, didn't you Honoka?" The blonde woman merely humph-ed in response.
Manager looked outside to check the man who caused the uproar and her eyes glinted with sparkles. "M-Misaki! He looks absolutely gorgeous! You two would make a great couple!" she squeals.
"Manager, we don't frater—"Honoka starts but was immediately cut off by Erika's hand on her mouth.
Manager is now twirling around the kitchen in glee over the idea of me and Usui. I simply slap my forehead out of sheer humiliation.
"I'll head out now, great work today." I bid farewell to the others and exit the shop. I turn around hoping to see a familiar face but was met with an empty gray wall. Sighing, I pull my ball cap tighter to my head.
"Hey."
I whip my head around and see him leaning beside the back door. "Usui." I am almost breathless at the sight of him. He walks toward me slowly and the sole light from streetlamp cascades down his features. He's beautiful.
"I was waiting for you." He says.
I press my lips to suppress the smile sneaking to appear at his words. "Yeah? What for?"
"I heard you fainted. I was going to check up on you yesterday but…" he trails off. I remember him leaning against his door seemingly waiting for someone until he saw me and Suzuna together. But he didn't even approach me and went inside his apartment.
"Why didn't you?" I am surprised by my own question but it's too late to take it back.
I see him equally stunned. "I…" For a moment, he struggles with what words to say. He's still looking at me with wide eyes and I stare at him waiting for an answer. "I'm sorry."
I am more confused than surprised. "Why are you apologizing? I wasn't expecting you to come visit me."
"I wanted to. It's just… I couldn't find the timing." He says.
I chuckle a bit. "We live across from each other."
He gives a small laugh and smiles at me. "You're right. But you are feeling fine now?"
I nod and return his smile.
We walk back together and as usual, his head is down as he strides. I mentally chuckle and decide not to speak on his habit. We stop by a vending machine for something to drink and sit on a bench with our sodas. He looks down at the can between his hands. It's quiet for a while but I decide to break the silence.
"You know, I still don't know anything about you." I chuckle as I say.
"What would you like to know?" he says without looking at me.
I shrug. What do you do? What are your interests? What do you dislike? Why do you feel so familiar?
I shake those thoughts away and he looks at me peculiarly. "Something wrong?" he asks with worry.
"N-no. I'm just thinking about unnecessary things again." His gaze never leaves mine and I feel embarrassed at the sudden attention. Clearing my throat, I began my interview. "So, do you go to school? Are you in college? I remember a lot of books at your place. You've conveniently avoided answering this question before. Mind answering it now?"
He chuckles at the hint of annoyance in my voice which I never tried to hide. Taking a deep breath, he answers me. "I do, in fact, go to school. I'm finishing my first year in college."
"Oh? Are you younger than me? I'm supposed to be in my second year in college now if I didn't… stop two years ago." The last few words come out as a whisper. As if understanding the situation, he doesn't ask about it.
"We're the same age. I skipped a year after finishing high school. Didn't feel like going to a university for a while until last year." He says.
I wonder why but decide not to ask further. "What are you taking?"
"Medicine." He answers almost immediately as if knowing I was going to ask that.
"So you want to be a doctor, then?" he answers with a nod.
I laugh a bit at the sudden progress we've made no matter how little. We've known each other for a while as neighbors but only now did we manage go beyond knowing each other's names and minor details. It's a slow burn friendship and I don't mind.
"What's funny?" he asks.
"Nothing. This is the most you've spoken about yourself but even then, you seem to be holding back. Like you're hiding things." I look at him and grin. "Anyway, I'm not going to ask anything you don't want me to. You seem to respect me in the same manner and I appreciate that." I seem to have caught him off-guard as his eyes widen at my words.
"As for me, I didn't get to finish my last year in high school. I only had a semester left but… well, things happened and I didn't get to graduate. I'm planning to take special programs so I can at least finish it. I don't know about college yet. As you can tell, I'm not financially prepared for that." I shrug a bit before continuing. "I'm paying for my mother's hospital bills as well as my little sister's school fees. I'll endure for a bit and then I'll figure out what I want to do for myself."
He continues to look at me but not with pity. "I admire you, Ayuzawa."
My face heats up at the sudden confession. "W-what? What are you saying all of a sudden?" I exclaim.
His smile is ever so warm and he leans closer. "You're admirable. You have so much dedication. I wish I had that." He says. From up close, his eyes are much greener. Much like emerald gems being hit by light. I feel warm everywhere despite the autumn weather.
"Would you… perhaps have dinner with me tomorrow at my place? If you don't mind, that is." He asks.
I gulp and hold my drink a little tighter, not minding that it may dent from the pressure of my grip. He looks at me expectantly, almost afraid that I may reject his offer. But he doesn't need to be afraid. I've said yes to this question so many times in my head without it ever being asked and now that it's finally out, I struggle to find my voice.
"U-umm… Sure... Yes. Yes, okay." I say to him firmly.
He chuckles and reaches to pat my head but I don't feel the contact because he stops midway and pulls his hand back. He resorts to scratching his head instead.
"Should we get going?" he stands and throws his empty can in a bin. I nod and follow him.
We reach our place and before we go inside our apartments, he calls back to me one more time. "I'll see you tomorrow night, Ayuzawa." He leaves me a dashing smile and heads inside.
I stand in the hallway facing his apartment and stare at the numbers 506 inscribed on his door. It will be my second time visiting his home. Somehow, I feel jittery. What do they call it? Butterflies in my stomach? Is this how it feels like?
I head to my own flat and sink to the floor as soon as I close the door. I breathe in deeply and smile like an idiot while remembering that little moment we had at the vending machine. I can no longer wait for tomorrow night to come but for now, I'll allow myself rest and sleep.
A/N: Hello! As promised, I've updated quickly and even made it twice longer than most chapters I've written! I owe you guys at least this much. I was planning on maybe rewriting the first two chapters because reading it again, I've realized how absolutely different (and horrible) my writing style was back then. I was so young and I'd like to think I've improved over the years but I'm having a bit of trouble so I've decided to leave it be even though I'm completely unsatisfied with it. Instead, I'll do my best to improve more in the coming chapters of this fic! Thank you so much for reading and as always, your reviews are greatly appreciated. Please let me know what you think! xoxo