Chapter 7
"I knew I'd find you here." I say at the sleeping beauty, head tucked in his arms. Said man yawns as he stretches himself awake.
"I thought you hated the library." He says, blinking away the sleep.
I roll my eyes and grab a seat next to him. "I don't hate it. On the contrary, I like the silence."
"Hmm…" he hums and grabs a book sitting at his side. "This book is good. You should read it."
"Yeah, that'll take me a week to finish." I scoff.
He shrugs at my remark. "Took me a day."
I gawk at his arrogance. "Well, excuse me if I'm not a freaking bookworm like you. Give me that." I snag the book from his hands and read the title. "Downhill?" I look up at him. "What's it about?"
"Twins with completely opposite personalities who never got along with each other. They live their whole lives trying to find a common ground." He says.
"Do they find it? Their common ground?" I ask.
He looks at me with a sad smile. "Read it if you want to know the answer."
"They're probably going to fight to the death and never make up. The title's a dead giveaway." I say to lighten up the mood.
He chuckles and grabs another book to lightly tap on my head. "You'll have to finish the book to confirm your theory."
True to his word, Usui made dinner for us both every night. Despite him having classes until the late hours of the evening, he never failed to prepare meals even if we couldn't eat together. He'd drop off food at my apartment before going to class and I'd come home to find freshly cooked dinner on my counter. Most of the time though, we'd eat at his place. It's been two months since our dinner arrangements started and we've grown from knowing each other's names to saving each other's phone numbers. The way we fell into a routine of going in and out of each other's homes made it feel like it was just a natural occurrence. Strangely, neither of us felt any sort of awkwardness with how we went about with our relationship. Although one thing is for sure—we aren't dating.
"So you have classes tomorrow evening?" I ask as I wipe the last plate dry and stack it with the rest of his tableware.
Usui is sitting on his couch with his glasses on, reading a medical book that he'd purchased recently. "Yes. It's just a make-up class since they canceled yesterday. Don't worry, I'll whip something up before I leave." He answers without looking at me.
We had just finished eating dinner and I had made it my task to wash the dishes every time while making it clear that he is to not help me with the chore. "It's fine, you know." I say, wiping my hands on the apron. "I told you, I'm fine with takeout."
He looks up from his book and raises an eyebrow. "You had takeout two nights ago. Also, weren't you planning on spending less to save up?"
"Yeah, but I also said I don't want to be a bother to you." I say sternly, hands on my hips.
He smirks as he lowers his book. "You could never be, Ayuzawa."
One of the few things I learned about Usui over the past couple of months is that he can be absolutely infuriating and charming at the same time. He would tease me over little things and then be a gentleman the next second. Although I'm happy with how relaxed he can be around me, I can't help but be confused at his actions.
"W-whatever. I'm just telling you so you can't complain later on about how you don't have time." I stutter. He simply chuckles and goes back to reading.
My phone rings, breaking the comfortable silence in the room. Suzuna's name appears on the screen and I shuffle to a remote corner before answering.
"Suzuna." I say.
"Nee-chan, I'll go over to your apartment tomorrow. Mom wants me to give you some apples. The nurses gifted us way too many." She says in her usual monotonous tone.
"Eh? Umm, I have work tomorrow and won't be back until nighttime." I say.
"Then I'll just drop these and see if I can stock up your fridge, too." Ahh, my ever reliable little sister.
I smile a little bit before responding. "Sure. Maybe we can catch up this weekend? There's something I need to talk to you about." I've yet to mention to her about Manager Satsuki's offer but we haven't really gotten the chance to talk and I didn't want to do it over the phone. It's hard enough to read Suzuna with her blank expression plastered all the time. And with her living far from my neighborhood, it was just difficult to meet.
She gives a curt yes without much say and bids goodbye. I exhale before detaching my phone from my ear. I look back and see Usui still engrossed with his book. I'm debating whether I should tell Suzuna about him and our little agreement. Not that there's anything suspicious about what we're doing but would she be fine with me coming over to a man's house every night?
As if hearing my thoughts, he looks up to meet my eyes. "Have you spoken to your sister about us?"
The question meant two different things in my head but I quickly brushed the other thought away. "No, not yet. We haven't really had time to meet." I pause and twiddle with the hem of my shirt. "But she knows you."
His face hardens and I see him tightening his hold on the book. It takes only a second before he composes but I don't miss his sudden shock. "Oh?" he says.
"I told her you're my neighbor." I search his face for a reaction but I only notice relief in his eyes. "Should I have not mentioned you?"
He shakes his head. "No, it's alright. It's not like we're keeping it a secret, anyway." He smiles and goes back to reading.
I take a seat on his coffee table and face him. He's sitting cross-legged on the couch with an arm draped across the back rest. He raises an eyebrow at my sudden movement.
"Something the matter?" he asks.
I take a deep breath and look at him sternly, arms folded across my chest. "Don't act like an idiot." My bluntness surprises the both of us but I will myself to keep going. "You—" I pause and think carefully about what I want to say. I can't just simply tell him that he's making me feel things. It's not even just the little rush of giddiness whenever he flirts with me but it's just that familiar feeling. "Why… are you being nice to me? Walking me home? Letting me into your apartment? Cooking dinner for me? Why?"
He blinks and stares at my confused face. He shifts and uncrosses his legs. Our knees almost touch, but never do. The distance is a little maddening and I want nothing more than the feel of his skin against mine like the first time he held my hands even if it was to help me cut apples.
"Because you're my neighbor." He smiles and gently pats the book on my head. The gesture seems so familiar it almost gave me a whiplash. I close my eyes and a faint image of someone doing the exact same thing flashes behind my lids. Usui stands to return his book to the shelf but I quickly rise to grab his hand.
"Wait, Usui—" suddenly the pounding in my head comes back and I lose my footing. I can feebly hear him calling my name. My hand instantly reaches out to him and he grabs hold of it. Soft and lean meets my face and I'm embraced with a warm tenderness that I could fall asleep to. Usui catches me before my fall could proceed.
"Ayuzawa, what's wrong? Are you hurt?" Alarm replaces his usual teasing tone. He holds my body and desperately searches my eyes.
I blink a couple times and press my temples as the pain slowly subsides. "Sorry, I… my head. I guess I haven't fully recovered." I'm still a little dizzy so Usui helps me to sit down. He grabs a glass of water and hands it to me. I look at him and he's staring back with worried eyes. I smile hoping to convince him that I'm alright but it only makes him frown even more. "I'm fi—"
"You're not. So don't say that you're fine." He says firmly. "This is the second time it's happened. Are you taking any medicine? Have you been visiting the doctor?"
"Usui… please." I signal for him to talk slowly. My brain cannot process things quickly after an episode like this.
"I'm sorry." He whispers. "What can I do?"
I sigh and lean back on the couch. "Nothing. There's nothing you can do. I don't even know what's wrong because I can't remember." I say with eyes closed.
I hear no response from Usui. Instead, I feel a dip on the couch and I know he's sitting beside me. He places a hand on my shoulder and rubs slow circles on my back. It's oddly soothing and I exhale from the sensation.
"Sorry…" I mutter. "Didn't mean to startle you. It happens all the time. Although I've had therapy after…" I trail off, contemplating whether I should pour out my secrets to Usui. I've never told him about what happened and I liked that he never pried because it made me less conscious. But I know not being able to talk about it with anyone would suffocate me until I could no longer breathe.
"It's alright, Ayuzawa. You don't have to tell me." He says.
"After the accident." I finish. He looks at me with a bewildered look. I continue. "I… was involved in a car accident two years ago. We were going somewhere… I'm not really sure where but I was with someone. They said it was probably the taxi driver but I felt like I knew the person."
I pause and take a look at Usui to gauge his reaction. He seems calm—not urging me to keep going but also not stopping me. He's just waiting so I go on.
"I don't know how it happened but I woke up in the hospital without recollection of the accident and everything else before that. I had been unconscious for three days. I was found on the street near the Hana Subdivision, alone and wet from the rain." I exhale as if I've been talking while holding my breath.
"Alone?" he asks.
I nod in response. "We weren't sure where the driver went or if he was still alive. With my memories being useless, it was a lost cause. The investigation took months but nobody had any idea who could possibly be with me at that time. Everyone who was close to me all had alibis. Not that I knew that many people in the first place. I didn't have many friends as Suzuna said." I chuckle a bit.
He frowns for the nth time tonight. "So you have no memories of your past?"
"Not entirely. I can still remember my childhood. I remember my name, my mom, my sister. I remember going to school or having a job. But there are certain memories that I've forgotten especially ones leading up to the accident. The doctor said that maybe I went through emotional or mental trauma before the event which perhaps led me to forget specific parts of my life."
"I had trouble remembering things after the accident too. They said it happens after a traumatic head injury. Some classmates would come by the hospital and I'd temporarily get confused and remember they already visited me the day before."
"Ayuzawa…" he starts but I quickly hold my hand up to stop him.
"Nope. No pitying, please. I've had enough of that." A quiet laughter escapes my mouth. "I'm fine. I mean, I'm holding up pretty well, don't you think?" I say.
"For how long?" he whispers.
My forced smile falters ever so slowly at his words. I've been struggling — crawling to get back up after what happened. I was alone when they found me and ever since then, I had been alone. I chose to live alone. I cry alone. And in the depths of my mind is a hollow void that I can't fill up even if I wanted to. They said I lost my memories because I had the extreme urge to forget them and the accident allowed for it to happen. Maybe I wanted to forget all along. Maybe the emptiness I feel is a bliss in disguise. Maybe those memories are better off forgotten.
Warm wet liquid falls from my eyes and I realize I've pent up so much frustration inside me. I let Usui distract me from the sadness I feel but I know he can't fix my broken self. So I let myself cry in front of the person that gives me temporary familiarity and I promise myself that tomorrow, I'll slowly pick myself up.
I never realized how much sunlight comes in through Usui's room. The yellow iridescence bathes the monochromatic space, making it look less bland. I raise my hand to wash it with the warm rays of the sun and the sensation affirms my reality. I really did spend the night in his apartment.
I slowly rise from the bed, careful not to make sudden movements for fear of another painful headache. I am alone again. My eyes wander and scan every nook and cranny of the room. It's not much different from the minimalist aesthetic of his living area. There are more spaces for books than for clothes. A lone plant sits in the corner behind his long drapes. I get the sudden urge to move it so that it can get a taste of the 8:00AM sunlight.
I sit still and ponder for a bit on what to do. I slept on his bed. I cried on his shoulder. I told him my story. Now what? What is he going to think of me? I don't want him to feel like he has to walk on eggshells when talking to me now that he knows. Everyone who knew of what happened always treated me with pity. That's not what I need.
I make my way to the exit and pause as the smell of waffles waft through the gaps of the door. I breathe in the scent and go out the room.
"Good morning, Ayuzawa." Usui greets me as he flips the third waffle onto a plate. He's sporting a white t-shirt and gray sweatpants with his specs sitting on the bridge of his nose. His bed hair is evident and I blush at the thought of us sharing the same bed.
"G-good morning." I reply. I scratch my neck and struggle on how to address the events of yesterday. "So, umm… last night. I—" I fiddle with the hem of my shirt again and notice something different.
Wait. I look at my shirt and realize I'm wearing the same one as he is. "What… am I wearing?"
He looks at me with a raised eyebrow. "My shirt? Yours is all crumpled and tear-stained. It's in the laundry." He simply answers.
"H-how did I get into the shirt?" I am almost scared to hear the answer. My memory of last night is all foggy and remembering everything after my whole crying episode would too embarrassing.
He smirks and puts the ladle down. "You don't remember? You were clinging onto me pretty hard last night."
I blush tenfold and was about to shout incoherent words at him until he chuckles and his eyes soften. "I'm kidding. You did it yourself. I guess you were too disoriented from crying so hard last night that you forgot. Don't worry I didn't peek. I wouldn't do that to you. Although I did tuck you in." He says.
My face heats up again and I clear my throat to speak. "I'm sorry I took your bed." I mutter.
He shrugs as he puts the last waffles on the plate and set it on the table. "No worries. The couch wasn't too bad anyway. Come, let's eat." He says, clearing my confusion away as he pulls a seat for me.
I sheepishly sit in front of him and he hands me a glass of orange juice. "This is a very western type of breakfast." I say.
"Well I am part British." He replies. I nearly choke on the waffle and stare at him waiting for the typical 'I'm kidding' remark but I hear none of it.
"My father is Japanese and my mother is half British. I lived in Britain until I was eight. I moved to Japan and got homeschooled. My parents decided to stop my homeschooling after my first year of middle school so I could learn how to socialize since I didn't make any friends growing up in Japan." He stops to gobble down a chunk of the waffle.
I'm still stunned at the new information suddenly thrown at me. I didn't even ask anything and yet here he is pouring it out.
"Anything else you'd like to know?" he smiles and puts his fork down.
"I don't understand why you're telling me this." And then it hit me. "Is it because of what I said last night? Do you feel like you owe me your story since I told you mine?"
He blinks before answering. "I simply wanted to tell you. I appreciate you confiding in me and I feel like I can do the same with you. Besides, I'm sure you have a lot of questions about me that you're just dying to ask."
"Yes, but I don't want you to tell me just because you feel like you have to. I'm fine with how things are. I don't need you to feel like you need to make things comfortable for me." I say.
He shakes his head in response. "Do you think I see you as a weak person? Ayuzawa, you don't want protection and you don't need it. I'm not here to do that. Like you said, you're doing fine on your own. But when you want to rest or take a break from facing the world alone, you're always welcome here."
I pause and stare at him. "Why?"
He shrugs and returns to eating his food. "We're neighbors."
I roll my eyes. "That doesn't explain anything."
"Would you rather I say I'm in love with you?" he smirks as he says the words.
My eyes widen again and I clench my fork tighter. "You—"
He laughs before I could finish my sentence. "You're too cute, Ayuzawa. Hurry and finish your food. You have work at nine, right?"
I look at my phone and curse a little at the time. The remaining crumbs on my plate are immediately gone in seconds and I stumble to leave the apartment before Usui grabs my hand.
"Ayuzawa." He stares at me for a split second before sighing. "Just because you don't need my help, doesn't mean I can't worry about you. You know that, right?"
I look at his fingers encircling my wrist so easily. For a moment, it felt like he didn't want to let go. I slowly nod at him.
"Allow me just that. Remember to come here when you feel tired. I told you before right? You're safe with me." He smiles at me softly and suddenly the familiar feeling is back.
"You're…" I start, not knowing how to say what I've been feeling. Instead of letting the words out, my hands gradually rise until my fingers caress his cheek. He leans against my touch with his eyes closed and I feel the urge to come closer, so I do. Our faces near until his forehead is touching mine. His eyes snap open and I realize belatedly what I've done.
"I'm sorry!" I say as I back away from his grasp. My hand falls to my side and I feel the heat rise to my face. "I've been feeling weird these days." I mutter hoping the excuse is enough of an explanation for my actions. "It's just… you feel so familiar. I don't know why."
"Ayuzawa—" he starts but I cut him off, afraid that I've made it awkward.
"Or maybe, I knew someone like you before. I don't really remember." I let out a fake laugh and wave my hands dismissively. "Anyway, I should go. Thanks for breakfast, even though it wasn't part of the deal. Also…" I pause and fidget again. "for last night. I know you're worried. I'll be fine. It's nice to know I can count on you." I peek at him and his look softens. "Okay, I got to go." I quickly say and rush out the door before his response can make me feel even more embarrassed.
For the first time, I'm glad work was extra busy today. It kept me from thinking about the things that happened last night and this morning. Whenever the image flashed in my mind, I'd lose my composure and get embarrassed all by myself.
"Misa-chan? Are you alright?" Subaru had asked when I accidentally dropped a tray after remembering how warm Usui's forehead felt.
"Yes, Subaru-san. I'm sorry. I just remembered something humiliating." I laughed shyly.
I didn't want to lose focus so I took little to no breaks the whole day and I guess it worked seeing as I forgot about our interaction from this morning.
"You're working like a beast today Misa-chan!" Manager Satsuki comments as I get ready to close the shop. "Anything good happen?"
I smile and grab my bag from my locker. "Quite the opposite actually but I didn't want to think about it so I'm glad we had a full day today."
I hear Honoka grunt from behind me. "Next time, you can take my shift if you're so eager to work. I literally can't feel my legs from all the walking. I mean, these shoes look great on me but I'm literally going to have to massage my feet every night if we keep having busy days." The rest of the staff laugh at Honoka's misery.
"Ah!" Manager Satsuki clasps her hands together and catches all our attention. "I almost forgot to mention, my sister wants to invite all of us to her villa next weekend!" she says excitingly.
"A vacation?" Erika chimes.
"Finally! My well-deserved break!" Honoka adds.
Manager laughs and continues, "My sister Nagisa has a villa in Kamakura and she wants us to come over. I know it's a little far—probably an hour away from here but it's absolutely gorgeous. I'd been planning on a little company outing for a while now and I know it's autumn but the breeze is amazing in the Hana Subdivision. The countryside is always so pretty."
Hearing the place makes my heart beat a little faster. My hands curl to a fist and I steady my breathing as I feel another panic attack coming. Their voices sound hushed in my ears and I struggle to make sense of everything else until Erika clamps a hand on my shoulder.
"It's going to be great, right Misa-chan?" her voice is brimming with excitement and I'm brought back to reality.
"Misa-chan?" Manager Satsuki notices the sweat forming on my temples and her worry starts to form in her eyes.
I breathe in deeply and give a smile. "Yeah, sounds fun." I manage to say.
"Are you busy that day, Misa-chan? Did you have somewhere to be?" she asks.
I shake my head. "No, actually—I used to live in that town. We have a house there—or had one."
The staff grows quiet and I chuckle to ease the tension. "It'd be nice to visit there again. It's been a while since I last went. My family still lives there after all."
Erika swings an arm around my shoulder. "Well, I guess this calls for a little family reunion, right?"
I laugh and the tightness in my chest lifts but doesn't completely leave. I know I have to face my past sooner or later. And I guess this is a good opportunity for me to see my mom again, too. I did promise to drop by.
After everyone agreed to plan the itinerary tomorrow, they all bid farewell and I am left to close the shop.
It's been months since I last visited my mother. I know she'd be happy to see me. Suzuna says she's been feeling better too. I just hope she can leave the hospital soon. She's been cooped up in that place far too long. I want her to be able to walk around and see the world again. I want to make it happen for her that's why I can't afford to lose myself.
Going back to my hometown is the last thing I want to do. Part of the reason why it's so difficult for me to visit my mother is because the town feels so unfamiliar despite having lived there my entire life. I blame the accident for that. And it hurts seeing people know me yet I don't remember any of them.
And that place where I was found. I haven't been there since the accident. I didn't dare go during the investigation because it gave me so much anxiety that I could barely breathe. I was too afraid. Remembering it brought back so much pain and after the accident, it was harder to retain new memories. I'd remember and forget again. It was a constant cycle of wondering and I grew tired of it. Moving out was the only way for me to start new. And here, I met Usui. It's weird that the familiarity I longed for in my hometown was found in a place I've never been and with a person I've never met before.
My thoughts are halted by the sound of my phone ringing.
"Suzuna?" I answer.
"Nee-chan, I'm at your apartment." She says.
"What? It's late. I thought you'd drop by earlier?" I quickly shut the back door of the shop and lock it.
"I had schoolwork to do and I can't visit tomorrow so I just came by today." Suzuna answers. I hear my door open and close through the phone. "I used the spare keys."
I sigh and start walking home. "Wait for me then."
"Oh?" I hear her surprise despite the monotone voice.
"What is it?" I quicken my pace.
She's quiet at first and then she breathes out. "There's dinner on the counter."
My eyes widen and I kick on my heels to sprint home. "I'll explain when I get there."
"No need, Nee-chan." I can feel Suzuna's smirk as she responds but I couldn't ask more as she ends the call.
I am out of breath as I reach the elevator of our building. It took me ten minutes to get home when on normal days it would take me twenty.
I was about to press my floor when someone beat me to it.
"Ayuzawa?" Usui comes up from behind me and holds my arm to steady my body as I take in as much air. "Did you… run all the way home? You're sweating."
"I… my sister… she's… upstairs." I say in between pants.
"Oh, I see." We enter the elevator together and I lean against the wall for support. "You came home pretty late."
I sigh and hold the railings. "The staff wanted to talk about a trip we're taking next weekend. Everyone was a bit excited. Before we knew it, it was already late."
As soon as we reach my apartment, my doors swing open and Suzuna greets me and Usui with a small smile but with her classic nonchalant look in her eyes.
"Welcome home, Nee-chan. Come, let's eat." She says almost too suspiciously.
I squint my eyes at her and turn to Usui. "I'll see you around I guess." I say to him.
He nods but before he could open his apartment, Suzuna speaks. "Would you like to join us?"
My mouth drops and I stare at my sister with stunned eyes. "Suzuna—"
"Thank you for the offer but I don't want to intrude." Usui calmly answers.
Suzuna tilts her head to the side. "I wouldn't call it intruding if you already have the keys to the apartment, yes?"
Usui's eyes mirror my surprised ones and we both gape at this menacing thing called my little sister.
"Come in, Usui-san. I don't bite." She leaves the door open for him and walks past me but not before giving me a sly wink. I turn to Usui and his eyes are still the size of saucers.
Oh boy. It's going to be a long night.
A/N: Thank you for waiting! I hope the story doesn't feel like it's going around in circles. I promise it'll make sense in the next chapters. How's everyone been? I hope you're all safe and well. As for me, I've been having trouble sleeping since my quarantine. Also, I noticed I've been getting severe hairfall. I do hope I'm not going bald :( It's probably the stress from work and the constant anxiety. But oh well, life goes on. Do leave reviews my awesome readers! I'd be happy to know what you think. Xoxo