Dos
"You've been acting odd, Luna-chan. I wonder why…" Chiasa simpered, her sienna eyes smiling as she snapped the stem of a flower in two.
"Odd? How so?" I truthfully asked, tying the back of my forest green apron and flipping the open sign to green.
"You've been out of the house more. Socializing more. Is it because of that date that I paired you up with? Satori told me it would work, it seems like it did." She murmured, sorting out each flower by color.
I scrunched my eyebrows together in irritation, already raising my right hand to flip the too-early bird. "Such a good friend you are." I shook my head, pulling my short curls behind my head and into a bun. The glare of the morning star burned my black tresses. "And no, it isn't because of Ushijima-san. It's something else. Probably the new semester, I suppose." I threw my shoulders into a shrug, an unsatisfied scoff leaving Chiasa's small chest.
"Adding the suffix at the end of a name won't protect you, Luna-chan." She hummed, saccharine coating her soft tone. "Especially if it is for the opposite sex."
"Whatever. It's not like I want anything with him. I hope he knows that." I tucked in a piece of my bangs begin my ear, thrumming my fingers on the floor as I took inventory. "Seriously, I hope he does."
"Satori told me that he is not the smartest person when it comes to the simplest of things." Chiasa revealed without a glance in my direction. "Maybe that explains all of the buzzing from your phone over there." In unison with her words, a shrill sound emitted from my small, flip-phone.
I rushed towards it, the front door chiming along with my frantic steps.
Our conversations had fallen into a routine this past week. He'd initiate the day's conversation with a brief 'good morning' at the crack of dawn. I'd wake up, irritated but thankful for his punctualness, and then I'd continue forth with the virtual conversation, his responses curt and sometimes unsettling. He wasn't exactly the most social person in this world but, then again, neither was I. We were a work in progress, the both of us and that, oddly enough, was a comfort in itself.
"He seems like a good friend." I said, honestly, skimming his text. "I don't want to scare him away by spelling out in front of him that I don't want anything serious. I'm surprised I didn't scare him at first."
Chiasa rolled her eyes, "What did you do?"
"Nothing too bad," I assured. "I just left in the middle of our date. I… I don't know. Romance and fate, that's been uncharted territory for a quite a while now. I doubt I'll be able to take it head-on soon." I tangled my fingers in my hair, a desperate exhale heaving from my chest at the thought of it.
Friendship was already crossing the thin line surrounding me from society. But love and lust, that was exceeding the line exponentially. It'd take a year for me to face that kind of path and even longer if it branches into marriage and family.
My idea of family is probably way different than his. "You're such a prude, Luna-chan." Chiasa teased, nudging my elbow playfully.
But her words were far from play. "I'm not! I'm stating the truth." I defended, flailing my hands around to follow my gestures. I'd always use plenty of hand gestures, a habit that I developed back home, in Mexico.
Chiasa's thin lips curled, "The truth is that Ushijima-san is someone you don't want to miss out on. If I didn't already have a boyfriend, I'd jump on him, too. Don't let that opportunity go to waste."
I narrowed my round eyes, my bottom lip snug between my two front teeth. "What if I don't want that opportunity? What if I simply want a friend? He doesn't seem the type to have a problem with that." I countered, Chiasa bending down to feed the plants with a hose.
Water arched from the rusty hole, sprinkling over the bright leaves and stems that soared to the ceiling. "I'm just saying that perhaps in the future you will want something with him and maybe that wish may not come true. Don't set yourself up for failure. Either chose one or the other, not both."
Either chose one not both… Something that lacked a name stirred within me, jostling my essence and my soul to catch the wavering attention of my mind. Be careful with this. My mind reminded and doubt trickled in from the darkest depths of my mind, seeping into my skin like poison. Maybe Chiasa is right for once. You don't want to tangle yourself in a web that you know will swallow you whole, like the one in the past.
"Are you saying that I should stop talking to Ushijima-san altogether?" I questioned, pivoting my back to face Chiasa.
A thick line of red and sternness painting my lips. "I'm not saying that. I'm just telling you to be careful. No one that cares about you wants to see you dragging around another heavy weight on your shoulders. It's bad enough as it is." She said, placing the hose in the storage room and wiping away the beads of sweat that glistened over her forehead. "We don't want you to kill yourself, Luna-chan." I averted my body, my features taut with the suspicion of my own unpredictable actions.
I had not once resorted to suicide, but perhaps something as big as love and romance could incite just that. Look at Juliet and Romeo, she faked her own death and killed herself to be with him. Maybe, even if it betrayed my own dogmas, I would fall into that trap as well.
"I'll be careful." I managed to say; unsure of everything that presented itself before me. Unsure of Ushijima. Unsure of my academics which, despite my efforts, were failing to rise. Unsure of my parents who, seemed to be growing sick of me, as if I were a leech sucking out all of their needed nutrients. Unsure of my future that was dark at this moment, waiting for a light to illuminate my path and damaged hope. Unsure of my sanity that was fleeting away by the day, slowly ticking down until it reached zero and I exploded.
That's what I was, a ticking-time bomb. "What is all of this chatter that you girls are going on about? It's eight o'clock. Shouldn't people your age be grouchy this time around?" Papa's orotund voice filled the static in my ears, his eyes watching us as we organized another set of bouquets.
I'm not like most girls my age, Papa. "Shouldn't men your age be up and about this early? The early bird catches the worm, no?" Chiasa joked, my father laughing at her quip.
I wish I could be like that; happy and without a care in the world. I wish... "I'm not that old." My father resisted, his hand on my shoulder as I stayed quiet, listening to their jokes.
I used to be like that; sarcastic with that ever so sharp tongue of mine. What—what the hell happened to you, Luna? "Luna, Okāsan and I would like to invite you for dinner tonight. Care to join?"
But when the moment presents itself before me, I am too much of a coward to grip onto it, grabbing it by the reigns in fear of it slipping from my fingers. I am too fearful of my own happiness, too scared of the loss that may come with it. "I don't know. I have a lot to study for next month's finals. I have to pass it or else…" I lied, glad for the permanent blush that painted my cheeks.
I was never a good liar, anyway. "Are you sure? Okāsan is making agedashi dofu, your favorite."
It is my favorite. "Yeah… I'll make myself a miso soup and pickled vegetables. This test is very important." I rubbed the back of my neck, the heat of my lies evading my olive skin.
"If you say so," Papa said, clearly not taking my lie as the truth. "Well, I'm going to go sort out a business arrangement with a new client. They seem to have a strong liking for our rose petals. There's coffee in the lounge room if you both want some." He cleared away and I turned back, the outline of his thin figure blurred by the heaviness of his brown jacket and layers.
Papa and I had never looked alike. While he had narrow, stormy grey eyes, mine were big and black, as black as the obsidian that lay underneath the crust of the earth in my hometown. His skin was immaculate and white, like pearls, and mine was tainted and brown, like the earth that the flowers sprouted out of.
Even our voice was different, mine accented while his was perfect. "See ya later, girls." My father wrapped a black scarf around his neck, one that I had made myself, and he left our presence as he quickly as he had come.
"Are you really going to be studying tonight, Luna-chan?" I turned to the side, Chiasa unimpressed with my cop-out.
"Don't know," I admitted, steering the balls of my feet around to head inside of the lounge. "Maybe. But right now I need coffee to awaken me from my slumber." But this disease was not a slumber, and it had no awakening.
A peachy hue poured in from the gaps in the shuttered windows, the sunset looming over the snowy horizon as a song coursed along in the background, its sweet melody inciting a hum from my quiet lips.
Chiasa had left for the day and I was left by myself to sweep up the shop, the red sign already outside as the clock struck 7. It'd take a while for me to get used to Eastern Time, and a longer while to get used to this, a new life.
But it all had to be done if I truly wanted to live; to breathe out one final breath. The front door jingled, my back to the broad white window revealing the inside of the floristry and the dozens of flowers that lined up before it, waiting to be plucked.
Don't people see the red in the back of the large 'CLOSED' printed out in white? Geez... "Sorry, we're closed—"
"Luna." My fingers tightened around the wooden broom in my hands, his velvety and ever so threatening voice of his ringing the bells of recognition in my muggy mind.
W-Wait, what…? "Ushijima, what—I mean, how did you find me here?" I bewildered, holding the broom protectively against my chest.
He scratched his head in confusion, the oranges from the horizon contrasting with his skin and dark olive eyes to heighten more of his beauty.
Oh no… "I didn't find you; I found that." He pointed behind me, his finger etching over the aisle of seeds.
"I see," I followed the point of his finger, hearing him make a deep sound in agreement. "Which plant do you want?"
"Moonflower," he said, my back facing him as I opened the bag of seeds, glad that he wouldn't see the ripeness of my florid face.
Though I wish to not have anything with him, it's hard not to admit that he is attractive—handsome, even—but I mustn't make the mistakes that I did before unless I wish to face the same predicament in my past life. I tied the small paper bag with a green ribbon, perching it over the counter and sliding it towards him.
If that's the case, than I must make sure that my message is clear and upfront. "That'll be ¥500," I carded a hand through my uneven, black locks, watching as he plopped down a few coins to pay.
I worked the cash register, his scrutiny burning through my skin and analyzing everything, like an X-ray.
Maybe he was an X-ray. "Thank you," he muttered, grabbing the seeds and swiveling around to leave.
No one that cares about you wants to see you dragging around another heavy weight on your shoulders… "Ushijima, wait!" Perhaps it had been my own stupid fear that had caused me to holler back at him, forcing him to twist around to face my quivering lips.
Or perhaps it had been that I forgot all of my fears in that moment, when he looked back and met my coal eyes, and everything about the future and the past dispelled from my system. All because of that stilling moment. "I-I don't think we left off too well last time we met. I'd like to take you to dinner, my treat."
He narrowed his eyes at this, "Dinner? What exactly do you have in mind? I'm not hungry right now."
I bit my lip. Of course, fate would never bend to fit the shape of my hand. "We don't have to eat, then. Just, let me treat you. I felt a little rude and off for just barging out of there; I can't let you think of it as nothing." I ignored the rumble in my stomach. Missing a single day wouldn't cause any damage, right? Except that I'd miss a day yesterday and the day before that and so forth.
Shit, I'm a mess. "We can go to the park. I heard that it's been renovated. I'd like to have a look at it."
I managed a smile, "Sure." My fingers were already untying the knot holding my green apron together. It fell loose, like the weight of my tremors. "Let me close up, though. Papa will slice me if I left even one of the clefts open." I said, digging through my pockets to pull out a mess of platinum and copper.
The keys. "I'll be waiting outside." The door closed behind his tall and vacillating form, giving me enough time to regain my composure and slap some sense into drifting myself.
Dumbass, Luna! I slapped my cheeks, the skin puffy and red, like a rose. You don't want to get yourself in the web that is love, especially if it is with a man as dense and blunt like Ushijima. That'd be suicide. I felt like smacking my forehead against the counter, repeating over and over again until I would snap myself from this never ending nightmare.
Like that would happen. I twisted my fingers in my hair, exhaling slowly and inhaling deeply to ease the fire that swelled in my abdomen and chest.
Just relax. Just be friends with him. He won't be hurt, he might even thank you. I finally let go of the grip on my poor hair, smoothening out the tangles that had risen and the curls that had frizzed.
Time to face it: the present and the eminent future. "All done." Ushijima rose from his seat on the wooden bench that stood in front of the floristry's grand windows.
"Okay, let's go." Without a moment to spare, his long strides carried him a few feet away from my stagnant form, forcing my legs to run after him as he paced.
Geez, he walks fast. "Do you like nature, Ushijima?" The air was cool, not too cold nor hot. The perfect weather and the clouds looming above our ant-like bodies only added more to autumn's fresh bloom and changing colors.
"Yes, why do you ask?" He slowed his stride down a little, accommodating to fit my smaller stature.
Remember, tell him the truth. "Nothing. I was just wondering is all." I hid my hands in the pockets of my pea coat, whistling and straying off to elsewhere.
He didn't even look back when I said that. "I see," he murmured. "I've always liked it, it's better than Tokyo."
Tokyo? "Did you use to live in Tokyo before or what?" I questioned, barely meeting the slow stride of his tennis shoes. Looking at it now, Ushijima didn't dress as nicely as most of the men in the block. Sure, he dressed okay, but it was a matter of comfort for him that ranged from mostly under-armor, sweaters, hoodies, tennis shoes, and jeans. He didn't seem to care about anything it seemed since his blank face stated it all, raw and open for the world to see.
If only a woman's life could be that easy, especially mine. "I still live there. I've been staying in Miyagi for the past couple of months, though, for volleyball training. I've been staying with my mother for now, she doesn't live too far from here." He explained.
I closed my eyes, my lashes heavy over my cheeks. Mama… Mama… Mama… An ache sprang in my chest.
"Come on, you're walking too slowly." Ushijima said, easily surpassing my steps and reaching the final crosswalk, pressing the pedestrian button.
I bit the inside of my cheek. Snap out of it, Luna. Open your eyes. You don't want to become something else, another statistic, you want to be happy, not miserable for your entire life.
Yes; happy. "Okay, okay," I hurried, throwing the edge of my knitted scarf over my shoulder. "I forgot to ask you but why exactly would you be planting moonflowers in March? That isn't the correct plan."
"I'm not," a white light flared, showing the digitalized body of a person walking. "I'm keeping them; I hope to plant them before I leave."
"Make sure it's when summer begins," I reminded, the late frost of spring still fresh in the evening air. "You don't want your poor babies to freeze in the middle of the night."
"I can take care of plants by myself, Luna." Ushijima stated, both of our distanced bodies already reaching the cobblestone pathways and icy grass of the park.
No child was in sight and I was thankful for that. "Okay, well, I was just reminding you." We entered the evergreen mess of the trees, a few lights illuminating our way. "I haven't been to a park for a while," I admitted, closely trailing after his tall body for leverage in case I managed to lose myself within the greens.
Get lost; God, I was already lost, lost in the maze that was my puzzling mind.
"Don't worry, I used to come here as a kid. I know the older parts by memory." Ushijima assured, easing his pace to match mine.
My eyes widened and had the azure skies hid my blush, my cheeks would have been red, red like the blood that coursed through my veins.
So polite, not like other men. "You don't have to slow down; I can keep up for myself." I said, quickening the pace of my steps. He would choose whether we'd stay together from the raise and sweep of his heavy steps.
"But you're lost, you said it yourself." His brown tresses glared underneath the lights from the center of the park that became more and more evident. "Anyway, you might not understand the directions if you lose sight of me. They're in Kanji."
"Oi, that's rude of you to say." My eyebrow lifted, hostility embellishing my fiery words. Who the hell did he think he was?
"What?" Ushijima sounded genuinely confused and I bit the corner of my lip. Maybe he was as dense as Chiasa and his friend made him out to be. "The last time we met, you pronounced some of the words incorrectly. I didn't say anything because it was our first encounter, but now that we're a lot closer, it's harder for me to hold back. I didn't mean to offend you in any way." He answered truthfully, the sounds of running water and gentle strings moved along by a bow lulling before us, nearly erasing all of the animosity and agony in my chest and replacing it with bliss.
Nearly. "I suppose its fine. You aren't the only one that has brought that to my attention." When I first came to Japan, Chiasa was my mentor, both in floristry and Japanese. I had learned Japanese since a young age, but speaking mostly Spanish throughout my life wiped it away from my hard drive, replacing it with a new memo of life and routine.
Chiasa would always make fun of my accent, and she still does today. "But damn, you are one blunt individual." We reached the edge of the cobblestone plaza, his steps no longer slowing to meet mine; that had offered some sort of unexplained comfort in this cryptic atmosphere. Security. It had offered security in this black world of only a few dim stars illuminating the abyss of ambiguity.
Don't cling onto him. Just be friends with him. "I'm sorry," Ushijima apologized and as I finally reached his pace and turned to the side to see him, his olivine eyes sparkled, turning tawny from the white lights around us and dazzling from the stars above us.
Ay dios mío. "Don't be," I raised my scarf, wrapping it around my neck and mouth to heat my skin and hide my blush. I could easily blame the cold for my stuttering, saying it was my chattering teeth, not my growing shyness. "We don't ask to be somebody else, we simply become who we are and we must accept that. We can't change ourselves, Ushijima-san."
"Stop calling me that," he was the first to turn away, moving his hands in his pockets. He inched closer to the fountain in the middle of the trees and the pavement, eyeing the small chunks of ice that had formed from this morning. "We're more than acquaintances, add a –Kun instead if you wish."
If I do, I might as well start calling you Wakatoshi, then. "-Kun? Are you sure? We've barely been talking for a few days." I traced the sleeve of my coat, the wool of the material rough under my touch.
Yeah, and you already seem to be taking a great hit in the gut for him, too, when you shouldn't. Not after everything that has happened. "If I didn't like you, I wouldn't talk to you. I'd throw your number away and talk to whichever girl yearned for my attention." I gulped. Now this time it would be way more difficult to explain the pinkness that was staining the tip of my ears and the entirety of my olive skin.
Still, he's too arrogant. Or maybe that is his bluntness? I can't figure him out and if I don't sooner than later, I might run away from this situation or freeze in the amber hue of his eyes. "Okay, Ushijima-kun," I emphasized the suffix, the security that came from the slight distance dissolving and becoming a part of the frilly, little flakes of snow that melted in the atmosphere.
This was inevitable now. "Food, you mentioned that you wanted some food, no?"
"Not really, it's fine. I can eat when I get home—"My sentence was cut short because in a swift instant the saccharine scent of vanilla and caramel slapped my cheeks, accompanied by the comforting wafts of freshly baked dough anko.
Taiyaki? "Do you like taiyaki?" Ushijima asked, noticing the blowing of my black irises and the goosebumps rising over my taut skin, hunger glazing over my already sparkling eyes.
My cheeks were bathed in red, my hands flying upwards to smack my florid skin, rubbing softly to ease the redness and the sting of my small hands.
"Doesn't everybody?" I responded with a question, Ushijima's eyebrows knitting downwards, not satisfied with my answer.
I'm only acting like this to protect myself, Ushijima-san. "I suppose. When I was a kid, my father used to always buy me taiyaki when we went out. My mother stopped once they divorced, though; she didn't want me to gain any unnecessary weight." He said, trotting forwards, his large hands already playing with the metallic rounds that were in his pockets as he neared the taiyaki cart wordlessly. He didn't bother showing his face and I thinned my lips, following after him.
I guess I'm not the only one with a hidden past, huh? I had always been perceptive. Fisgona, that's what most people called it: nosy.
Best tell him that you're only friends, nothing else. We reached the small cart and a line of only a few people, adults, waited in front of us. I was confused. There should be children, it was the middle of March for God's sake. This was their niche, after all; the Mecca of their sole existence.
It is a bit late, can't be later than seven-thirty. "Which flavor do you want?"
I opened my mouth in protest, "You don't have to buy me anything. I can pay for myself—"
"I didn't ask for your output. If I offered to pay, I will pay." He cut, his face as taciturn as ever and even more so under the darkening sky.
I could make out the slight quirks in him under this light, disregarding the algidity that he exerted and replacing it with openness, the openness that only experience granted. His face was softer, a lot less sharp and youthful under the fading orange of the day, as if the moon worked in his favor. He had this particular scent, too; smelling of pinecones and soap, like the first snow. Perhaps Ushijima represented many things that resembled a beginning. Why would he have anything to do with the beginning?
He looks even more handsome, too, if that's even possible. "Okay," I glanced to the side, moving away from the scrutiny that his narrow, olive eyes radiated. He reminded me of an eagle; gallant and intimating. "I'd like vanilla, please."
He didn't say anything in response and I sighed in relief, the air of my breath freezing in the atmosphere.
"One taiyaki for the girl with pretty, black eyes." The man making the taiyaki smiled and I tightened the hold of my scarf around my neck instinctively. My eyes were perhaps the most conspicuous feature about me. Holding the biggest difference between me and other Japanese people, they were round and black like the crystals that shined beneath the soil, relishing in the obscurity of life.
Even I can empathize with that, the onyx crystals. "Thank you," I took the fish-shaped treat from the old man's hands, his beady eyes wavering elsewhere.
"My pleasure." He didn't seem too satisfied, thinking as Ushijima and I strolled along, the blowing momo petals catching my attention.
I wonder what that was all about… "Momo petals already blooming this early around is not normal." He noted, carefully eyeing their flowery drift.
A single petal fell on the floor, right atop of his left foot. "Spring must be inching in. That means that the moonflowers will bloom sooner than later." Though it was easy to not notice the shift in his colorless words, the faint glimmer in his eyes, the passion, it ignited and it burned everything surrounding him, including my heart and body.
Shit. "Moonflowers are pretty flowers, but they only grow at night if that is your calling." I bit into one of the fins first, covering my mouth when the excess cream dared to slither out of my mouth.
"I love the night, especially where days like this. Days that spring is so close that you can practically rip it out from the sky, like a flower." Ushijima uttered, my shoes catching my attention. I needed to pour out the news now.
"Ushijima-san, I mean, kun!" He turned around, effortlessly scaring the life out of my pores.
I turned away from his impenetrable gaze, unconsciously biting down on the taiyaki only to chew on the head of the red snapper, a creek of sugar stained my rosy lips.
I cursed, taking off my scarf and stuffing it inside of my shoulder bag, grabbing a handful of tissues from my bag and slathering over my sticky face.
Ushijima looked concerned, well, as concern as he could have mustered. "You eat carelessly." There it was, his bluntness. Yet then, he grabbed a single napkin, cleaning my face from any dripping vanilla.
I wanted to scream, really. I hated relying on others, especially those that unknowingly held a significant role in my life, like Ushijima.
I raised my hand, placing it over his and plucking the napkin from him, easing it into the waste bin.
Now's the time. Now's the time. I turned, my heels hovering over tiny particles of ice as our eyes met, his unresponsive while mine held a mystery of stars inside of them.
"I don't think that we should be anything other than acquaintances." I shocked myself, saying it without a stutter or stammer or even a glide of my watery mouth. My fingers wrapped around the warm bread in my hands, Ushijima's eyes cold and blank.
"You don't to become friends, Luna?" Friends? I hadn't thought of that. Not once in this dreary life of mine had I viewed the opposite sex as a friend. Not once.
Change, that's what is drifting these petals in the air. Change. "I-I don't know. Truthfully, even I don't know if I want to do anything anymore. Anything at all." I admitted, the taiyaki in my hand bland to my senses as reflection overcame them, like a tsunami of raw emotion.
Stop being so careless. Pull the splinter right out of your heart and get it over with. "I thought that we were already friends."
That's all it took. A simple comment from the most perplexing yet simple man on this planet, that's all it took for me to shut my eyes and stop, stop trying to distance myself from the pain.
"I-I don't… I don't know." I was truly pathetic, giving answers to a man that could have easily been happily married by now with a child on the way. A man that could have promised so much had I not been such a coward. Oh, how troublesome my fears were, so evil and unforgiving to the present and the future.
"I want to be friends with you." My lip quivered. My fists curling and releasing to sync in with my unsteady breaths. I breathed calmly after a while, when the flower drift welcomed my short curls and flustered face.
"Let's be friends, then." I said, clearly out of the blue, my eyes matching the vastness of the night sky draping behind us; black and full of cryptic beauty.
"Okay." Ushijima was so simple, walking towards the violinist to listen; he thrummed his left fingers when he did.
Perhaps this is not only the beginning of spring, but also of something else, be it moonflowers or the entirety of the spring year; something was birthed this year, something unbeknownst to my oblivious self.
The gentle melody of the violist lulled the small crowd of adults and teens to a silence, the chimes from the taiyaki man's cart the only other sound accompanying the wonder that the young musician synthesized from her fingertips alone.
Perhaps this is the beginning of us, our blossoming friendship, and maybe more. Maybe. I saw Ushijima, his face full of youth and softness once again.
I smiled, not caring about the doubt that unhinged the clefts holding my mind together or of the panic that dared to paralyze my body.
I closed my eyes, the weight of my past lessening, and I faced the stars; knowing that as each new day passed, it would be different now, much more different.
Maybe because of you. Maybe because of you. The crowd clapped when the composer finished her piece, dispersing along with the momo petals in the wind.
But Ushijima did not wait, as if he knew that I was thinking, reflecting on my present, past, and future, and in that fleeting moment of trust and acceptance; I opened my eyes, fully aware that he was different and that he would be the only one to accept me in this cruel world of mine.
Oml, you guys. I didn't upload the prologue because I am dumb, so I'm going to upload it later. ;-; Besides that, I hope you all are enjoying this story because if you are please send me some feedback. If you think that her depression is excessive, I won't give you any hints but the reasons behind it are severe. Very severe. So yea, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and leave some feedback if you wish! Thanks~!