Rey had lost track of the amount of rotations she had spent laying on a medbay bed in a room filled with machines she didn't understand. She had started playing a game with herself-trying to determine which beep went with which machine. She had already given up on trying to figure out what the machines did. The medic had tried explaining them to her but it just left even more confused.
She was still coming to terms with the fact that she had given birth. She kept expecting to feel kicks. Or movement. Or something. Anything.
She was still coming to terms with the fact that she couldn't hold her son. It didn't feel real.
Kylo came by every once in a while, giving her something to distract herself with. Today's distraction was another novel.
She had never gotten to read much on Jakku. It's not like reading was that important in that environment. Part of her knew that she should be almost happy that she finally had the chance to relax and read and not worry about surviving.
But she was worried about surviving. Everytime a beep from the machines felt off, every time she closed her eyes to sleep, every time she felt pain in a new area, she thought she was going to die.
She started writing notes in the novels Kylo was giving her. He hadn't noticed yet. Or if he did, he didn't say anything. She just wanted to write down her thoughts in case anything happened. She wanted to make sure she didn't leave without leaving something behind. Something other than anger in Kylo. What a legacy that would be…
Her first note she had started writing when her heart started racing in the middle of the night and it became hard to breath. She instinctively reached for her book and a pen the medic left on the table and began to write to her son.
'My dear son, I love you. Stay strong. I will always be there with you. All my love, your mother, Rey.'
When death didn't take her when she finished that sentence, she decided to write more.
'My dear son, I don't know how much longer I have. I don't want to leave you behind with nothing of me, like my parents did with me. I want to leave you knowing that I love you. I will always love you. There's nothing you can do that will prevent me from loving you. I wish I could hold you close. I wish I could have seen you, even for a moment. I wish I could have given you a name. I still don't know. I know it's foolish to not just pick something before I go. But I always had this feeling that I would hold you and would know exactly what your name is. I'm not sure I will get to that day. If not, I want you to choose your own name. Choose your own destiny. No one, not even the force, can decide what path you choose. Don't live your life searching for me everywhere-I'll be right there with you no matter what. Spend your days living life to the fullest. Discover yourself outside of bloodlines and destiny and the force. You are so important and beautiful even without those things. Don't live how I lived: waiting. Don't wait for people to return to you. Don't wait for your father to turn around. Don't wait for things to make sense. Go out and do things. Make life how you want it to be. No one can do it for you. I'm so tired. I'm sorry if I never get to see you smile in this life. Please, don't live your life waiting. All my love, your mother, Rey.'
She went to bed that night, comforted that she at least got to say something to her son. She was just so so tired. She just closed her eyes and waited for death to take her.
She woke up the next morning which almost surprised her. The doctor assured her that she was doing good and that her son was doing good as well. So she wrote her son another note. It was more like a journal entry.
'My Dear Son, I lived through the night. You did too. The doctor told me. If I could give whatever life I have left to you so you could heal faster, I would without thinking. It's scary going to bed thinking that I'll die during the night or you'll die during the night. It's a scary thought. I'm not sure how long I have. I hope you have longer. If you don't, my ghost will haunt your father until the end of his days. He'll take care of you. Probably obsessively knowing him. Good luck with him. He has quite a temper that one. There's good in him somewhere. I don't want you to try to get it out. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you can't force that man to do anything. You can't force anyone to do anything. Don't waste your life trying to fix him. Take him or leave him. I've done both.
I'm getting off topic. I just wanted you to know something about me other than that I love you. That is the most important thing of course. But I don't want you to think of me as some angelic mother who was gone too soon. I want you to see me as a real person. I guess some basics. My favorite color is green. The best planet I went on was Takodona-it was so full of life. I grew up on Jakku and I slept in an AT-AT. I had to scavenge parts from old Star Destroyers. I didn't have many friends on Jakku. But I made a lot of friends in the Resistance. Finn. He was my first real friend. He used to be a stormtrooper but he escaped. And Poe. He was kinda frustrating. But he was a great pilot. And Leia. She's the general and the main leader at the moment. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that she's your father's mother. She is an amazing woman. So powerful. And Han. He's your father's father. He died shortly after I met him. But he was great. He gave me a gun that I shot your father with. You probably didn't need to know that but there's no point hiding the truth.
Your family history is a disaster. But it's ok. It doesn't define you. You don't have to let it define you. There are some dark things in your past. Part of it's my fault. I got tangled up in a family filled to the brim with drama and disaster. But it doesn't have to define you if you don't want it. You can choose your own destiny.
All my love, your mother, Rey.'
Over the course of the next couple of sleep cycles, she wrote letter upon letter to her son. Telling him all the stories she had. All the adventures she'd gone on. All the friends she made. The lessons she learned. She even highlighted her favorite lines from the books she was reading so he could know what she liked.
She eventually ran out of other things to say, at least that she could remember, so she began to ponder if she should talk about Kylo to her son. Talk about how they met. Their strange connection. It was so intimate. It was so close to her...she had never told anyone about their connection. She couldn't really imagine telling her son everything.
Well maybe not everything...but a few things, just so he could understand it from her point of view.
'Your father and I didn't always get along. We were on opposite sides. But the force connected us. We could see each other from opposite sides of the galaxy. No one can explain it and we were too afraid to ask anyone. We learned more about each other. We learned that the only person who really cared about the other was each other. As much as I love my friends, it was nothing like what I felt for your father. He was there. He was always there when I needed him. He made me feel like I was something of value. That I was something more than a powerful jedi savior. He terrified me with how much he loved me. He's so broken. And there's no fixing that. But I loved him. I still do in some ways. It wasn't always golden. Hell, most of the time it wasn't. We were always fighting. I wish we hadn't always been fighting. I regret that...fighting with your father all the time. Stand strong in your beliefs. But please don't do what I did and intentionally provoke him. Let the happy moments last while they can. All my love, your mother, Rey.'
Page after page she left her son notes, hoping to fill a lifetime in her words. But after talking about Kylo once, her mind became more focused on thoughts of him. They hadn't talked much since she had been taken prisoner, but he still visited her often. She wasn't sure what to say to him while she was alive. But she found it easier to write to him if she pretended she was dead.
She began writing letters just to him. She didn't forget about her son, but she felt she owed something to her dyad. She would write them in a different book than the letters to her son, just in case she needed to write something...intimate.
'My Dear Ben,
I'm not sure what to say to you. But I need to say something. I wouldn't feel right about leaving you with nothing.
As frustrating as those force bonds were, I loved those nights when you would hold me so tight. You were always there, even when I didn't want you there. You were my other half. You are my other half. Every touch we shared felt like being touched by a live wire.
I regret running from my destiny for so long. I should have just given into you and allowed myself to be happy. It would have been selfish, but at least then I wouldn't be sitting here thinking I've wasted my life on trying to be the perfect jedi everyone wanted me to be. I would have spent it with you and whatever that entailed. It wouldn't have been perfect. But it would have been my choice.
I forgive you for everything you've done and I hope that you can find peace.
All my love, you dyad, Rey.'
She wrote the two of them letter after letter within those pages, filling up the margins with everything she thought was important for them to hear. She felt herself slowly getting better with each page. She wasn't sure if she was physically getting better or if just knowing that her thoughts would reach her son and lover even if she died. It calmed her. It made her feel like she was leaving something behind even if she died. It brought her peace.
She wasn't going to tell anyone that's what she was doing.
It would be her secret that she would only let out when she was gone.
Then Kylo had the guts to ask her about it.
"What are you writing in those books?" He asked, one of his many attempts to get her to talk.
"Notes."
"You leave a lot of notes. Do you like the books?"
"They're nice."
"Can I read what you wrote?"
"No."
"Could you just read some of it outloud."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"I can sense you putting up your shields. You're hiding something."
"And what if I am?"
"I want to know. Whatever it is, it's weighing on you. It's keeping you down."
"I'm fine, Kylo."
"You're not. Please…" He gently took her hand. "Tell me."
Rey didn't snatch her hand from him. She let him rub his thumb on the back of her hand.
"Please." He kissed her palm. "Please, Rey."
She let out a long sigh.
"I've...I've been writing letters." She admitted.
"To your friends?"
"Not exactly."
"Then to who?"
"Our son."
"Why?"
Kylo's face twisted into one of concern, his brows knitted together and his eyes narrowed. He would try his hardest to fix whatever she said next, but she knew that he wouldn't be able to.
"I started writing them a little while ago…" She almost whispered. "I-I thought I was going to die. So I wrote our son a note from me in case I never got to meet him."
"You're going to hold him." Kylo tried to assured. "You're doing so well and so is he. You'll be able to hold him. You'll be able to watch him grow. I promise."
"Kylo, it's impossible to keep that type of promise." Rey said, shaking her head. "As hard as you try, you can't escape death. It will come one day. Sometimes you see it coming. And other times you don't."
"You're not going to die. I won't let you."
"Kylo, you can't control death."
"I'll find away."
"Kylo…"
"I don't want you to think about death." His voice raised a bit. "I just want you to think about getting better."
"Kylo…"
"Just focus on what you want to name our son. Focus on our future together…"
"Kylo…"
"I'll let you go. I promise I would. You'll be able to do whatever you want for the rest of your life."
"Kylo!"
Her shouting shut him up for a while. Just long enough to let her talk.
"Kylo," She said softly. "It calms me. It calms me to know that whatever happens, my son will at least know something about me. That he'll have something of me. My parents left me nothing except my hair wrapped in three buns. I don't want to leave my child alone. It brings me peace, Kylo."
"I don't get it…" Kylo admitted. "But if it relaxes you...I guess I can't judge. I just hope you haven't been spending these last few weeks believing you could die at any moment."
"It's not too bad. I've been doing my favorite things. Reading. Watching the holonet. Eating fruit."
"You're going to be ok. I promise."
"You don't know. None of us do. And this is how I'm spending what I think are my last days-writing letters to my loved ones."
"Did-did you write me any?"
"A few."
Almost an entire book full…
"May I read it?"
"When I'm dead, Kylo."
"Then I never want to read it."
He gave her a kiss to her forehead, wiping her tears from her eyes.
"You're right." He whispered. "I can't control life or death. I want to more than anything. But I can't. But I can promise that if something happens to you, I can assure you that I will look after our son. I swear on my life."
"I know."
Careful not to disrupt any of the wires, Rey put her hands to his cheeks and pulled him close to her face. She planted a soft kiss on his plushy lips before laying back down in her bed.
When she was fast asleep, Kylo took one of the books from her nightstand, one buried beneath the other that he hoped she wouldn't notice if it went missing and left the med bay.