Once more, after his daily briefing with his officers, Kylo went down to visit his son. He was taking Kareth's advice seriously: his son needed companionship and conversation.
Kylo let the boy grab his finger as he began to talk to him.
"Hi little one." Kylo said, still unsure what to call the infant. "It's your father again. I promised I'd be back. I brought something for you today."
With his one remaining hand, he pulled out one of the books he had stolen from Rey's stack.
"These are notes from your mother." Kylo said, flipping open the pages with a bit of difficulty. "She wrote you notes just in case...well just in case anything happened."
Kylo flipped through the pages, trying to find one that started with 'my dear son' or something similar. But he couldn't find anything. Every note started with 'my dear ben' and while he was just skimming, he was able to pick up some phrasing that was not appropriate for a child to hear. Soon he finished the entire book, not finding a single letter directed to their son.
But she had written to him. He suspected she had left something for him, but he didn't think it was an entire novel's worth. It touched his heart a bit: she had wanted him to have something of her if...if the worst happened.
He put the novel back down (having every intention to read it later) and picked up the other one. This one started with 'my dear son' so he figured this one would be good for his son to hear.
"'My dear son,'" Kylo started, "'I love you. Stay strong. I will always be there with you. All my love, your mother, Rey.' Don't worry, there's more."
It was hard to read some of her words. He was so frantic in her earlier writing. He felt the terror in her words as she surely thought she was moments from death. He wished he had been there during these terrors. He wished he had been able to put his arm around her, hold her close and assure her that she was going to be alright.
He read a couple letters until an hour had passed. He then gently rubbed his son's back before leaving the medbay, his mind plagued with Rey's frantic dying words.
…
It was late at night when Kylo collapsed onto his bed, the novel with Rey's letters to him in his hand. He was shirtless, only wearing a pair of loose lounge pants as he always did when going to bed. He didn't used to do this. He used to go to bed with every inch of his skin covered, terrified to reveal any part of himself to the Galaxy. But since the force bonds with Rey started, he began to get more comfortable with exposing himself. He especially liked it when it made her cheeks flush red and oftentimes his reward for being open was a lovely passionate night with her. And while there force bond obviously was not going to flare up any time soon, he found that he couldn't break the habit.
He opened to the first page and began reading her letters to him.
'My Dear Ben,' she wrote, 'I know you would rather me call you Kylo, but I can't bring myself to call you that. You will always be Ben to me. Ben is the man I love. Ben is the man I share a force bond with. Ben is the father of my baby.
I don't want to think what the galaxy will become if I leave you. You're so emotional. Unstable. You'll probably get furious at me for even bringing up your flaws. You'll probably take your anger out on the galaxy. It may seem self centered to believe that I mean that much to you, but we both know it's the truth.
And I hate to admit it, but I love you the same way. Maybe not to that level of violence and rage. But again, I'm not sure how I would react if you were to die. Maybe I'd break. I got so close to breaking so many times. Every time we made love to each other, I was so close to caving in and joining you. Thinking about it, I would break. After so many heartbreaks over people leaving me, I would be completely broken if I lost you.
Lying on your deathbed makes you realize your priorities were all wrong. I wish I had spent more of my life being happy. I spent my entire life waiting for someone to rescue me. You can call me strong and independent all you want, but that doesn't stop the fact that I spent over ten years on a godless planet waiting for someone to get me and then a year fighting for the love of an organization that was just using me for my power.
You wouldn't have forced me to use my power. You would want me to train and rule with you, but I saw the content of your heart: you would have let me just be beside you and that would have been enough.
I might wake up tomorrow and not mean any of this. I might not wake up tomorrow at all. But just know that for at least one night the only thing I wanted to do was be with you.
Love, your dyad, Rey.'
He reread the letter over and over again. She wished she had done things differently. She wished she had joined him. She was close to joining him every time they shared a bed. If he had known that, he would have planted more soft kisses to her forehead and romanced her more.
He wished he had done things differently. He wished he hadn't pushed her to rule with him. He wished he had proposed that she just be with him:just be by his side. He wouldn't ask her anything else. Just for him to hold his hand. That would have been enough.
But no…he always had to push. Push until she was at the point of running across the galaxy to get away from him.
It was all his fault.
…
"Have you thought of what you are going to name him?" Kareth eventually asked.
"Rey didn't say what she wanted to name him." Kylo said, her novel in his hand as he was still reading his son her notes, "It's her decision. She said that she would know as soon she held him."
"Of course sir." Kareth said. "I just thought, maybe you had come up with anything. If you had given it any thought."
"Hadn't really crossed my mind." Kylo admitted. "I didn't know he was conceived in the first place so it's not like I had months and months of coming up with a name. And Rey wanted to pick the name."
Kareth gave a slight nod. Kylo sensed her unease-it was almost sadness.
"I sense your distress." Kylo said, his voice losing any sort of tenderness that he had been using only moments earlier.
"It's nothing Sir." Kareth tried to explain. "I just wanted you to be away of the possibility that you may be the one to name him."
"What are you suggesting, medic?" Kylo said with a sneer.
"You have to understand, this whole situation is highly irregular." The medic said. "And while she's doing better, she's still not entirely stable. Her condition could change at any moment. I need you to be aware that she might not make it."
Kylo angrily got to his feet, so fast and so forceful that the medic took a step back.
"Her life is tied to yours." Kylo said, furious. "If she dies, you die as well."
"Killing me won't bring her back if she dies."
"She's not going to die." Kylo sounded like an angry child. "She can't die."
"Sir, you need to accept the possibility that-"
"I don't want to hear it!" Kylo snapped, "now if you excuse me, medic, I have important business to attend to. Don't make me regret trusting you."
Kylo stormed out of the room, the urge to destroy everything in his path overwhelming him.