4. Blackout
Don't kid yourself
And don't fool yourself
This love's too good to last
And I'm too old to dream
(Muse – Blackout)
…
To begin to understand, even a little, this thing that was taking place right now, this thing that the events from the previous days, and especially last night had led to, one would need to go back.
I mean… a lot.
One would have to go back to a time way before she and I were born; to a time when not even our grandparents had been born. To a time when I existed as someone else.
More specifically, to one night.
The night when that dream presented itself for the first time.
Because… it all started with a dream.
…
"You… what?" she utters in a shaky, disbelieving voice.
She's staring at me, eyes wide open and full of horror; and as I look at them I struggle with the certainty that I should end this right now, that I should do what I had already set my mind on doing, and spare her from this distress and dread that has overcome her. I struggle between that, and her eyes, those eyes that stare at me intently, expecting something I don't know what it is, but that for some reason I can't bear to look away from, as if they were the only thing, the only anchor still attaching me to this world.
How can I possibly explain this to her?
"I… came back to Japan… to die."
"I heard you… the first time," she says, her scared eyes piercing through mine. "I'm just… not sure I'm following… I mean… you're speaking metaphorically… right? Like we used to?" she asks, looking at me like someone who's trying to hold on to anything to keep afloat in a choppy sea.
I just stare at her, sadly, and slowly shake my head no.
"You mean…"
I sigh.
"Yes."
She stares at me paralyzed, still too much in shock to even speak right away. Eventually, she seems to regain her speech; even though her voice is wavering and trembling.
"When…?" she says in a whisper.
"I don't know when. But… soon… most likely."
"But… how? Why? Eriol… you need to explain this to me… a whole lot better."
Sure, but… how?
How on Earth will I explain this to you?
I exhale painfully, disheartened.
Damn it, girl.
There are some moments in life, few, scarce moments, which are magical and perfect. Those moments when everything falls into place, when you know exactly who you are and what you want, and you realize you have it, right there, just within your grasp. Those moments when you feel happy just to be living, breathing in this world; and everything around you turns colorful and vibrant and shines with all the colors of the rainbow.
Those are the moments that make life worth living. Those are the moments you treasure in your mind and hold on to when you're old and gray and death is near.
And she had given me lots of those perfect, magical moments; like the one we shared just a while ago, watching the sunrise at Tsukimine Temple's grounds, by the lake; or a while before that, when we beheld the breathtaking sight of Tokyo at night, from the top of Tokyo Tower. Or before that, when we were at the park and she told me that stupidly touching tree story and wanted us to engrave our names on it. Or way before, when she sang at the bar. Or…
God, the entire night, no; the entire time I had spent with her had been filled with those little magical, perfect moments; and I hadn't felt as young and alive in a very, very long time.
But then again, there are also these other moments in life, when everything goes to shit.
And this was one of those.
As I look at her and she stares back in utter distress, waiting for the words that would attempt to explain to her what is really pretty much unexplainable, even for myself; I realize there's no possible good end for this talk. Whatever this thing we have going on between us is, there's no chance it won't end up utterly destroyed once she learns everything there is to know. Regardless of whatever her feelings are now.
It's really shitty, to realize how fragile it actually is this thing I'm stupidly clinging to, how futile my attempts to rebel, how ephemeral those magical moments always are. So, is there really a point in going through this at all? Shouldn't I just stick to my original idea, and wipe out everything from her mind right now? I know I will still have to do that later nonetheless, so... why put us both through all the pain this conversation is sure to bring us? Why not just keep the memory of those perfect moments, untainted by what is to come once she finds out the truth?
All these thoughts pass rapidly through my mind as I stare at her, and she stares back, waiting for me to continue talking, her eyes opened wide and with a tint of horror in them, but also… a stern resolve.
And I realize…
She knows. She knows the truth is going to be horrible, but she wants to hear it nonetheless. She's no longer a person who can live with lies or half-truths; she has already taken her mask off for me, and she expects me to do the same.
And I realize… I owe her at least that much.
I have to stop hiding.
"Alright," I finally say, with a pained sigh, as I get up from the bed. "Follow me. There's something I have to show you."
We need to kill Eriol tonight.
It's time.
…
"This is… your study," she says, perplexed, as we arrive at the place I intended to bring her.
"Yes," I say.
"I… don't understand."
"You only saw a small part of it the other day, when you were here. The part I wanted you to see."
She looks around, and then at me, with an incredulous look in her eyes.
"You mean… there's more?"
"I told you earlier… there's always more… if you know where to look."
And as I say this, I reach out and grab the edge of one of the dark, heavy drapes that cover all the windows in that room, and pull it aside. And then, a look of shock appears on her face as she gasps and realizes in surprise that what was hiding behind that drape, wasn't even close to a window.
It's a really old, strange-looking wooden door with some intricate carvings on it. And it's strange, because there is no lock or doorknob on it.
A door that can only be opened with magic.
She watches in astonishment, eyes wide open and a hand over her mouth as I place my hand on the wooden surface, and the carvings on it start glowing, and the lines of light appear, drawing the shape of my mahoujin. And then the door opens, noiselessly, revealing the entrance to another room; a much, much larger room, with walls full of bookshelves that go from floor to ceiling, a desk and some chairs; all softly lightened by a big chandelier hanging in the middle, a chandelier that is always lit, with candles that are never consumed.
"A… hidden study?" she says, staring at it in disbelief.
"I know… not my most original hour," I say, stepping into this second, larger room. Then I turn around and look at her, who's still standing in her place like nailed to the floor.
"Come," I say. "There's something in here you need to see."
She stares at me for a second, silently, and finally walks into the hidden study. And as soon as we're both there, the door closes behind her.
She looks around in unsuppressed awe. This room is bigger, and much less of a mess than the other one; there's no clutter lying around and all of the tomes are on their right shelves; but it is also dustier, and despite the clear, warm light that shines from the great, magical chandelier hanging from the ceiling, it has an abandoned atmosphere that somehow makes it feel darker, like more… oppressive.
"Eriol…" she says in confusion as she gazes around the huge shelves and the ancient-looking books that rest and gather dust on them. "What is this place? What are these… tomes… you have hidden in here?"
"These…" I start, unable to refrain the small tremor in my voice as I look at them, and then back at her, "are the only thing I've been allowed to keep from my previous lives. These… are my memories."
"Wha-" she says, her eyes growing bigger. "You mean these… all of these…"
"I wrote them," I say. "Every one of them, through thousands of years. They're my journals… my memoirs. Earlier, when you said you wanted to know all of my stories… can you see now, how pointless that would be? You'd have to read all of these tomes from cover to cover in order to accomplish that. Your entire life may not be enough. And why would you do such a thing? It's not worth it. It's not an interesting reading, either. The details may vary, but they all tell pretty much the same story. Death. Destruction. Loss. And all of it… pointless."
"Then… why do you keep them?" she asks, staring at me very seriously. "Why keep this… sanctuary to your past, if these memories are so worthless and cause you so much pain?"
I look at her for a moment.
"Because... they're mine," I finally say, trying to not sound too somber, but I can't help some bitterness from showing in my voice anyway. "I know… I must sound so crazy right now, don't I? I told you before that I wanted to get rid of them… that I dreamed to start a fresh, new life without them… but I can't even part with this old pile of books. Not that it would make much of a difference, but still... I guess I'm just a nostalgic jackass. I tried… to get rid of them. I tried, but… I couldn't. These memories… as much as I may hate them… they're all I have. They're all I'm allowed to keep when everything else fades away and disappears. What am I, without them?"
"Eriol," she says, staring intently at me and walking a few steps towards me. "You're Eriol Hiiragizawa."
"Do you still believe that?" I say, looking at her surprised. "Even after seeing this place? Don't you see all the names in the tomes? Those are all the names I had. What is Eriol Hiiragizawa, amongst them? It's nothing. Just another wave in a giant ocean. One that will soon pass and be forgotten… like all the others."
"No… it won't be forgotten," she says, her voice sounding a bit pained. "Not as long as I live… and have my memory."
I look at her, and I feel as if a giant claw was clutching at my heart.
"It's alright," I say, forcing a smile on my lips. "It has to be forgotten. It's the price I have to pay… so I can be forgiven."
"You... keep saying things like that. I don't understand. What is it... that you have to be forgiven for?"
I sigh.
"I have to be forgiven… for my sin of arrogance. You see… once, a long time ago… when lots of the tomes you see here hadn't even been written yet… I rebelled against my fate. I wanted to overcome this endless cycle of… futileness. I wanted to stop being just a wave, and become the ocean. I was already powerful, but in that life… I surpassed my own limits. My determination was so strong, that, in order to stop the wheel from turning again, I clang to that life… and to the name and the face that came with it; and decided that that would be me... forever. I became more and more powerful, until I was even able to stop my own aging process. I thought I had triumphed over death, but that life… became just a longer torment. The longest ever. So long there are entire shelves in this room for it. And it went on like that for several centuries; because, despite I had accomplished my goal, I wasn't satisfied. I was ridiculously powerful, but there was an emptiness inside me that couldn't be filled with anything, so… I always wanted more. At some point, I decided I wanted to become someone important, someone... known. Someone who would remain in people's minds forever. In my arrogance, I thought of myself as the master of life and death, because I could create living, sentient beings out of nothing, and stop myself from aging and dying… Such pride... deep down I knew it would eventually lead to disaster, but I didn't care. But what I didn't realize is that, when I lost respect for death, I lost it for life as well. I came to believe I could do whatever I wanted, twist the world to suit my own liking, even other people's lives and death… and then was when the awful thing happened. I did something… a terrible, terrible thing; that messed up the lives of thousands, millions of people. The repercussions were beyond measure, and the suffering I caused… inestimable. When I realized what I had done, it was too late to undo it. Only then I came back to my senses and understood my mistake, and I realized that my existence was an abomination, and needed to be ended… That I had to go back to being just a wave; so that my sins could be paid for, and my real wish, the one I had forgotten in my blind search for power, could be granted. So you see… Eriol Hiiragizawa is no one, really. There's only one name that has any relevance in this whole bunch… and it's the infamous one that caused this whole mess."
As I speak, I search with my eyes through one of the shelves, the one with the least weathered-looking tomes. The one I'm looking for is there, right at the end of it; a thick, black tome with leather covers and golden ornaments; that compared to most of the other ones, looks almost new.
I grab it and hand it to her.
"Here," I say. "You'll find the answers you want in here. At least some of them. All I can tell you is there. But all I can tell you, is not really all there is."
She hesitantly takes the book from my hands, and stares at the front cover with some apprehension, and the name that's engraved in it with golden letters.
Clow Reed.
"Do you… really want me to read this?" she says, looking at the tome in her hands almost as if it burned.
"No," I sigh, staring at her with pained eyes. "Hell, no. What I would really want… is to be just Eriol Hiiragizawa for you. I'd want to keep you as far away from this place as possible… and from my past, because once you read it, I won't be the same person to you anymore. Nothing will be the same. But… if this is how it has to be... then let it be. Go ahead… open it. If you want the truth… this is the only way you'll get it. "
"I… I'm not sure I still want to," she says, holding the tome with trembling hands, and staring intently at me.
I sigh again.
"Yes… you do. You want to, because you're no longer a person who can live on lies and half-truths anymore. Not once you've already peaked at the rabbit hole. So, go ahead… read it. It really doesn't matter anymore."
Hesitantly, she opens the tome and starts flipping through its pages. Suddenly, she looks up again, surprised.
"There are… some blank pages between the written ones."
"Yes," I say. "Those are the memories that my former self chose to forget. The ones that were sealed into the cards. And now that the cards belong to Sakura, I can't access them anymore. But it doesn't matter… there's still enough in what you can read. Move forwards. Around the middle, there's a marked page. Start there."
She flips through the pages until she finds the bookmark, which is a very old, faded lace. Its color is a grayish washed pink now, but I remember it had been vibrant red once.
And then she starts reading.
…
It all started with a dream.
.
A trail of corpses at my feet, a path of putridness and devastation; everywhere I look, I am surrounded by death. As far as my sight can reach, I see them. I walk over them, and the dry bones crack underneath my boots, and their rests of decaying skin turn to dust. I breathe, and I smell and taste the rancid ashes that float in that heavy and rarefied air.
This is the path I've chosen. These are the visions that await me.
But then, at some point in the distance, I start hearing a sound of music. It's some kind of terrible chant, heavenly and barbaric at the same time, half-monstrous, half-divine; the moaning of a wounded deity and a crystal harp, a sound that comes from far, far away, from beyond the shadows, and that shows me a path.
In the distance, a goddess is crying; she calls for me and hypnotizes me and horrifies me all at the same time; she pulls from me with her sorrowful voice and attracts me to that city in ruins, to that ancient, dusty temple that appears all eaten away and on the verge of crumbling, as if it had been waiting here since always, for centuries or even millennia, and time had taken its toll on the abandoned walls…
And at that moment I understand that I have to go to her; that this is my entire destiny, that everything I did and will do, everything I've been and will be, can be summed up to that: to arrive at that crumbling temple and kneel before the goddess and beg her to release me from this wasteland of never-ending death. It doesn't matter if in order to do that I have to walk through a path of corpses; through this entire desert of loneliness and devastation. I keep walking until I get there, and then... I see her.
I have a sword in my hand, and I throw it as an offering at the goddess's feet, and only after she grabs it, I dare to raise my eyes to her. She's astonishingly beautiful, and glowing, but all I can really see are her eyes; those eyes that are like nothing I've ever seen before… They're like the eyes of a mythic creature, a sphinx or maybe a dragon; so full of life and fire and something else, something that I can't even start to grasp, to comprehend, because to stare at them even for a second is so hurtful, that I have to look down and cover my own with my hand.
But it doesn't last long, because she rips them out, her own eyes; she rips them from her face and gives them to me, and in horror I take them and look up to her, stepping back; her face is all bloody and her eyes in my hands burn like embers; they're stones, like two amazingly beautiful, precious jewels, and they burn on my skin and I just can't hold them, I have to drop them and once they hit the ground they stop shining altogether and turn as black as coal, as black as night. Blinded, with her face streaked by rivers of blood, the goddess screams and steps clumsily towards me, stumbling, and falls at my feet. I kneel before her, and then I feel her hand grasping my face, and her lips on mine, and I taste her blood in my mouth.
And then, without any warning, she shoves the sword right through my chest. I feel my heart pierced and ripped apart, but there is no pain, nor blood coming out of it; only a feeling of warmth and a blinding light that sprouts from the wound and bathes everything, as my body falls to the floor.
I want to thank her, but I can't speak. I'm dying. As I give my last breath, I look up at her, and the last thing I see are the tears of blood on her face, and her hair, waving in the gentle breeze. It's a beautiful, luscious black hair. As black as raven feathers.
.
I woke up with a start, in the middle of the night. I took my hand to my forehead, and it was burning like a fever. I was out of air, sweaty and deeply disturbed, and a glacial cold ran through my chest with the memory of that dream. Little by little, I noticed the world around me was still the same; this languid and colorless place I have grown so familiar with. On the rug next to the armchair I was in I saw Kerberos, sitting and staring at me in concern, just a moment before the door of the study opened and I saw Yue, staring at me with silver, worried eyes.
"What is it, Master?" Kerberos said. "Did you have a nightmare?"
I stared at them both. It seemed that I had fallen asleep on that armchair, again, and had made some sound while dreaming that had startled my guardians.
"Just… a disturbing dream, Kerberos. I'm not sure if I could call it a nightmare."
"You screamed, Master."
Yue was still staring at me in silence, but I saw a small frown forming on his face.
"Did I? Well, don't worry. I'm alright." I said, forcing myself to smile at them, to reassure them.
"Can we do anything for you?" Kerberos insisted.
"No. Really, I'm okay, Kerberos. Don't be concerned about me. It's really late. You both should go back to sleep."
"Was it… one of your premonitory dreams… Master?" Yue finally said.
"I don't know, Yue. Maybe it was. But if that's the case, there's really not much we can do about it, is it?"
"Then, try to forget it, Master. Go to bed, and rest," Kerberos said.
"Yes. That's exactly what I'll do. That's what you should do, too," I said, still smiling.
Kerberos nodded, and ensconced himself on the rug by the fireplace again. Yue just grunted, and reluctantly left.
But, I had lied to them. I wasn't going to forget about this dream. The feeling of it, the memory, just wouldn't go away. It would reappear, over and over again, every time I closed my eyes, every time I blinked… Everything, except the goddess's face. As much as I tried, I couldn't remember it. It had just vanished from my mind as soon as I woke up, and I couldn't get it back.
In the weeks that followed, I became obsessed with this dream. I stopped all my other magic research. I made potions and forced myself into sleeping for almost entire days, to the consternation and worry of my guardians, hoping to recreate the dream, to meet once more with this mournful goddess, to have another glimpse at her face. But the dream didn't present itself again.
After a month, I ceased my attempts. It would continue to bug me, but I came to accept that, if I couldn't remember her face, maybe I wasn't supposed to. Or maybe she didn't have a face at all, or her face wasn't all that important. It didn't matter, actually. The goddess was waiting for me at the end of the road; that I knew for sure. That, and that alone, had shaken me in a way no other vision ever did before; because I knew, without any room for doubt, that this dream had showed me my future, and that this fate was already set in motion, inexorably, unavoidably, engraved in fire. And I… I wanted it to happen. I wanted to meet her again, to come to her and answer her call, and see once more those eyes of fire like I'd never wanted anything in my life before. Even knowing that what awaited me at the end was something terrible, a tragedy, I knew there was nothing else that could ever satiate my soul. But… who was she? She looked familiar somehow, like she resembled someone I've already known, someone who… who…
Who?
…
She puts the book aside for a second and stares at me. For a few seconds, she's silent. And I am too. I can't say anything, really.
But then she speaks.
"God."
"Yes... I know."
"So… this dream…"
"Wait. Keep reading. Just a little bit more. Then, I'll answer any questions you might have."
"O… okay," she says, and sits on one of the chairs with the book in her hands. "There are some blank pages, right after this paragraph."
"It doesn't matter. Look for the next page that is written."
And she proceeds to do so.
…
Tonight a strange, unusual thing happened.
That weird woman showed up again.
It's not like it was the first time. I had noticed her, swirling around, a few times before, although only for a moment before she disappeared without leaving any trace. I had sensed her close a few times before, which was odd enough already because as soon as I realized of her presence, it faded out, as if it had never been there at all. Those few times I was left puzzled and wondered if I hadn't imagined the whole thing. Because no living human could be able to hide their presence from me, and no magical creature has ever been able to play a trick like that on me. To do that it would have to overpower me, and that I'm sure, has never happened before.
I have to admit, I was utterly intrigued by it. And also, because she had started appearing shortly after I had that dream.
Tonight, I was trying once more to write, to give form to that story that I never seem to be able to complete, or even start; and was already getting frustrated by my lack of success, when I started having the distinct, unsettling feeling of being watched. It was utterly weird, because I couldn't sense a soul around. Kerberos and Yue were long asleep, and there was no one else.
Or was there?
I looked up, through my window pane, and I saw her. A pale, dark figure barely outlined by the moonlight. Still, and a bit far away.
And it was definitively staring at me.
But to my surprise, this time she didn't vanish as soon as I noticed her like some dreamlike fairy. She remained there, in the dark; tall, stubborn, almost arrogantly. Standing in the middle of my yard, by the fountain.
I got up from my desk, leaving my ink and quill and paper just lying there, and rushed outside.
I don't know what I was expecting; probably to find her gone, disappeared, like all the other times. To go back to my study scratching my head and wondering if I'm not really losing it this time.
What I'm sure is that I wasn't prepared for what actually happened.
I went outside, to the yard, and she was still there. Standing by the fountain, a human shadow with female form, barely outlined by the moonlight.
I walked to her slowly, half expecting she would vanish into the thin air any moment now. But she didn't, and when I got closer I could see she was smiling, though there was something strange in her smile, like a veiled sadness; and her eyes were red and framed by long lashes, and although they weren't really feline shaped; they reminded me of cat eyes for some reason. She was tall, and undoubtedly attractive, with a voluptuous body that was really not hard to guess underneath her silk kimono. And then I noticed the hair; it was hair as dark and long and luscious as I had never seen, it shone even in the dim light of the moon like raven feathers, and for a moment it felt as if I had seen her before, as if I had met that mysterious woman with the dark hair in a dream or something, and I just couldn't remember it. She had an elaborate hairdo and lots of adornments and jewels, and all of her appearance was a little bit extravagant, but I would have definitively felt attracted to her, if it wasn't for the fact I couldn't sense her presence, and that strange look in her eyes. A look that was almost sardonic, and that gave me a strong feeling of distrust.
I stared at her for a few moments, and as she remained silent, I decided to speak.
"You…" I said. "What… are you...?"
And to my surprise, she talked back.
"Wow," she said, her eyes opening bigger. "That's a bit rude, don't you think? Shouldn't you have said 'who'?"
"I was going to say… what are you doing… in my yard?"
She laughed.
"Oh. I wanted to meet you… Clow Reed. For a very long time. And now that I'm finally here, I must say… you're not exactly like I imagined."
"Why did you want to meet me?"
"Why not? You're an interesting person. At least, that's what people say. The ones who dare to speak about you at all, that is."
I merely frowned.
"Not a talkative person, are you? That's okay. This is not a social visit anyway."
"What do you want?" I insisted.
"Just to do a little corroboration. I've been watching you, Clow Reed, as you must surely have noticed. I want to find out if the rumors about you are true."
"What rumors?"
"You know… the rumors that you are a wizard. A true one, and the most powerful that has ever existed. So, are they… true?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"Because, I could really use someone with that kind of power. If the rumors about you are true, you might be just the person I've been looking for. And I dare say… you seem to be needing something too… something I might be able to provide," she said, in an insinuative tone. "A collaboration between us could report mutually beneficial."
Oh, not this again. So this was just another seductress, another power-thirsty woman who came to my door attracted by rumors and wanted to seduce me to obtain some magical favor from me. Usually richness or eternal youth, or something along those lines.
I loathed them. They were imprudent and greedy and thought they could easily manipulate me just because they had nice bodies… If I had been younger, I might have just fallen for it. But I was already thousands of years old, so, this kind of thing mostly annoyed me and disgusted me.
I stared at her, feeling the frown forming on my face.
"Go away. I'm familiar with your kind, and I have no interest in the likes of you."
She looked at me in surprise, and then, suddenly, burst out laughing.
"My... 'kind'? And what do you think my kind is?" she said, narrowing her eyes. "Look; you might be somewhat handsome, and I'm sure this 'famous wizard' thing you have going on attracts all kinds of fools to your door, but if you think I'm here to offer you my body, think again. If anything, you should be the one dropping at my feet, begging for a chance to be looked at by a goddess such as me... but you're not worthy of the honor, you presumptuous jerk," she smirked, scornfully. "The nerve you have… you really don't know who you're speaking to." And suddenly, oddly, I found myself grinning, even so slightly, and I realized I had started to like her a little bit more, for some strange reason.
"Then tell me. Who am I speaking to? And more importantly... what do you want from me?"
"I told you… I'm here to propose you a collaboration. And by that, I meant a magical collaboration."
"So... you're a witch? Do you have powers?"
"Of course I have powers. You can't sense my presence, can you? How would that be possible, if I didn't have powers? Moreover… I have powers that you don't have."
"Like what?"
"Well... this right now, is one of them. The reason you can't sense my presence… is because I'm not here."
And then it hit me. Of course! There was no other way that could have happened. Instinctively, without thinking, I reached out towards her and tried to touch her. And my hand went right through her.
"Hey!" she yelled, indignant. "Keep your hands to yourself! You really are ungentlemanly, aren't you? Do that without permission again, and you'll be missing a hand."
"Are you a ghost?" I said, interrupting her.
"No. I'm just as alive as you are. But my body is… somewhere else."
"Where?"
"In a place... outside of time."
My eyes opened wide, because at that moment I understood this woman was something completely out of the ordinary.
"W… what?"
"They call me Dimensional Witch, because I can see all the different dimensions, I can move through them... and I can send people and things through them. Also, I have another… ability… that might be of use to you."
"What is it?"
"I can grant wishes... for a price," she said, staring seriously at me. "And I don't mean stupid carnal wishes. I mean your deepest… most important wish. The one that has kept you in this foolish race for power all this time. The one that won't let you sleep at night. The one you don't even dare to admit to yourself."
And then, I suddenly remembered the goddess in my dream.
Could she possibly be..?
"How… do you know about that?"
"I told you… I've been watching you, Clow Reed, for a long time. That's why I came here tonight, to offer you a contract... a deal we can both benefit from."
"But, if you really possess such powers… what can you possibly need from me?"
"Well… there is one wish I can't grant. My own. Not without some help, anyway. And you seem to have a power I don't have, and that greatly interests me. That is what I came here to check."
"What power is that?"
At that moment, I heard noises at my back. I turned around, and saw Kerberos and Yue suddenly appearing in the yard.
"Master!" Yue yelled, flying all the way towards me. "Are you alright? Do you need our assistance?"
I stared at his very anxious and worried face, more than a bit surprised.
"No, I'm fine. What's wrong, Yue? Why are you here?"
"I'm sorry, Master, I just… I had a dream."
"A… dream?" I said, more than a bit surprised. Since they weren't human, I never thought that Kerberos or Yue could actually...
"Yes… Master," he said, a little bit embarrassed, as if he knew what was that surprised me. ''It was… an awful dream, and… it was about you. It felt so real, that I woke up and went to check on you. And I find you here, in the yard, with this strange… woman," he said, throwing a quick, distrustful glance at the woman standing in front of us.
"What did you dream about, Yue?"
"Master, I…" he hesitated, staring at her, and then back at me. "I dreamed you died."
For a moment, I just stood there, speechless. But then, I heard her voice again.
"This," she suddenly said, pointing at Yue. "This is what I'm interested in."
"What do you mean?" I said.
"This creature of yours… it's not just a magical creature. It has a soul. It will continue to exist, even if you die. You can create living, sentient beings with their own, lasting souls… That's almost like being God... you know?"
I just looked at her and said nothing.
"Almost," she continued. "But this is exactly what I was looking for. I can create complex magical beings too, but they are soulless. They need to be attached to some magical object or place to fuel them with energy, and they will cease to exist after I die. But this… this is remarkable. I could really use this power of yours… Clow Reed."
"But…" I said. "To what purpose?"
"I told you, I have a wish of my own… that I can't grant. Not without assistance. Are you willing to help me, Clow Reed? If you are… I will grant yours."
I looked at her for a moment, considering.
"Alright. I accept this collaboration pact you are proposing. But, on one condition."
"What condition?"
"You have to make yourself present. I mean, physically present. So we can seal this deal properly."
She frowned.
"I told you, I'm not going to-"
And then, I couldn't help but laugh. And I realized it was the first time I had laughed, in a very, very long time.
"You're really full of yourself. I meant to shake hands."
And then, she laughed as well.
"Okay, then."
Then, she started glowing, and there was a flash of light that seemed to almost rip open the sky. I had to close my eyes for a second, and when I could open them again, she was there. In front of me, for real. I knew, because I could feel her presence.
"Nice to meet you in person, Clow Reed," she said, offering her hand to me. "I'm guessing we'll be seeing a lot of each other from now on."
"I still don't know your name," I said, staring at her hand but still not shaking it.
"And it will continue to be that way. I don't give my name to anyone, much less to someone I just met."
"But then, what should I call you? Dimensional Witch is a bit too long to be convenient."
"Well, if you need a shorter, more convenient name… you can call me Yuuko."
"Which is not your real name, is it?"
"No, but... it's just as good as any other I could give you."
"Hey, I don't care. Names don't mean anything, anyway."
"Says the man who's spent most of his life trying to make his own name known by everyone," she said, chuckling. "But you're wrong, Clow Reed. Names are important, powerful things. That's why to just give out yours to a stranger it's a very idiotic thing to do... it gives them power over you. Of course, you still haven't realized that; that's why you've been so careless with yours. The Great Clow Reed… such fame you've built for yourself, and it comes at such a huge price... You know this, and yet, you won't stop. You're really like a child… Clow Reed."
"And you're an awfully chatty woman," I said, grunting. "I'm wondering if I should be regretting this pact already."
"No, Clow Reed…" she said, an enigmatic smile on her face. "You won't regret it."
I looked at her for a moment; her eyes were inscrutable and her smile a bit strange, but her hair, although complicatedly made up, was long and waved softly in the warm summer breeze, and it shone in the moonlight like it was made of raven feathers. And then, I shook the hand she offered me.
"Alright then. Nice to meet you… Yuuko."
…
She raises her eyes from the book, and stares at me.
"So… that's her. That's the woman with the cat-like eyes I saw in your portrait, and who appeared in that vision we just had. She's the goddess from your dream."
"What? No. That's not her. I mean, yes, she's the one in the portrait, and the vision… but she's not the goddess from my dream."
"How can she not be?"
"Because… it's you."
She just stared at me, her eyes opening like plates.
"Wait… what?"
"The goddess from the dream… is you."
"No, no, no… Eriol… listen to yourself. You're not making any sense. I wasn't even born when you… when Clow Reed had that dream. It has to be her. Everything points to that. Why on Earth would it be me? I'm no one special. I'm just an ordinary girl with no powers. It can't be."
"You're right about everything… but still, it's you. I hadn't realized it before… but I'm sure now."
"How can you be sure?"
"Because, that dream… I had it once more… in this life."
"W… when?" she says, almost as if she was afraid to ask.
"The night before I came back to Japan."
She remains speechless for a second, staring at me almost incredulously.
"It was really unexpected," I continue. "You see… as much as I tried to, I was never able to recreate it again in my life as Clow Reed. I eventually desisted and started forgetting about it. But then, about almost two weeks ago… one night, it returned to me. It was the exact same dream, only this time the goddess wasn't waiting for me in a crumbling temple... but in a crumbling house. This house, Tomoyo. And so, I knew I had to come back here... to meet my fate."
"Did you see my face in that dream?"
"Maybe... I don't know. Her face is the one thing I can never remember. I remember the hair, though... it was a lot like yours."
"But… didn't this woman, the witch, also have a hair that looked like mine?"
"Kind of... yes."
"And wasn't she the one who used to live in this house before?"
"Yes… she was."
"I knew it. I realized it the moment I saw her in that vision we had. She's everywhere. I can feel her in the walls of this house. The sadness I told you before I felt in this house… it's her sadness."
"It was her sadness. She's dead, Tomoyo."
"But she's still here. Some part of her remains. And why wouldn't it? She was almost as powerful as you were… wasn't she?"
"Not almost. She was as powerful as I was. Her powers were different from mine in essence… but not lesser in any way. She was the most powerful being I've ever met in any of my lives."
"And... she loved you. She wasn't just a collaborator for you, either."
It's a statement, not a question. I just stare at her, and say nothing.
"So, what I don't understand is…" she continues "if you returned to Japan following a dream that leads to her house, which is still imbued with her presence and feelings; and she had promised to grant your wish, which she had the power to do… Why on Earth would you think I am the goddess from the dream... and not her?"
I stare at her for a second, before I can answer.
"Because… her eyes weren't the right ones. But yours are."
She seems surprised and a little taken aback by my answer.
"What... does that even mean?"
"I'm not sure I can really explain it... But, Tomoyo… when I came back to Japan, that night… I found you. Not her… you. I told you before, nothing is ever a coincidence. I see it clearly now. Remember that research I told you I was doing... looking for other ancient, powerful beings... beings even more powerful than me? In truth, all this time I was looking for her... the goddess from my dream. I was supposed to meet her in this life, but... I had no idea of when, or how. Shortly before I came back, I was feeling downhearted, and jaded, and so sick of everything… I had been away from Kaho for some time, and was so tired of my search, of looking for some destiny that was always one step ahead, always out of my reach… I couldn't understand what was the purpose of living this life at all. But then, that night… she appeared in my dreams again. And suddenly I was filled with hope and expectation, because I knew what it meant. It meant I was close, I was finally close. It meant what I've been searching for through ages would actually happen in this life."
"You mean… death?"
"I mean… freedom. I mean, no more walking through an endless wasteland of corpses. No more being born again in a strange body and a strange place, surrounded by strange people, and have all of my loved ones gone and lost. I mean, to stop being a wave in the ocean. To stop being the ocean. To just… stop. And when I had this dream again, I knew I had to come back to Japan, to this house, to wait for her. To meet her. And on my first night here... I met you."
"But that doesn't mean I…"
"It's okay. You don't have to believe it. But you asked me for an explanation, and this is the only one I have."
"But, it's not good enough. If this is all true… then you've lied to me all along. If you came to Japan with the sole purpose of dying… why didn't you tell me any of this before? Were you ever going to tell me… or were you just going to let me find out in the worst possible way?"
"You're right… it was wrong. I've hidden things from you, and I'm sorry for that. I should have told you; it tormented me and I thought about telling you lots of times. But… I couldn't."
"Why? Why couldn't you?" she said.
"Because… you are life to me, Tomoyo. Don't you see? I came back to Japan to meet my death… and instead, I found you. That night when I found you… it changed things for me. You can't possibly understand… I went to that bar to hear you sing, as a last treat before I said my farewells to this world. I had never forgotten how sweet your voice was, and I wanted to hear it one last time, before it would happen. You have to understand… I didn't know how or when it would happen, I just knew I would meet it here, in Japan. So, I went to the bar to hear you, to enjoy your voice once more before I went into oblivion… But when I saw you… I couldn't let go of you. I had to go to you, to find out why were you so sad, to help you if I could. I just couldn't walk away. And before I could realize it… I was trapped. You made me want to live. You gave me hope, Tomoyo. It was false hope, I knew it, but it felt so nice… that I let myself be fooled by it. I let myself believe that if I could just be with you, everything would be alright. But it won't be alright. It can't."
"But why, Eriol? I don't understand. Why can't it be alright?"
"Because you're not the alternative to my destiny that I first wanted to believe, dear. You are it. You are exactly what I came here to find. I realized it tonight, before I went to meet you at the bar again. The night before, when I was having that nightmare and you woke me up… remember? I hid something from you then, too. What I saw in that dream… was very similar to what we saw just a while ago… only a part of it was missing. I'd forgotten it, but I remembered it tonight… and it showed me it was you. The goddess who's supposed to bring me the long-awaited gift of death."
"Eriol… this is madness," she exclaims, the horror appearing again in her eyes. "You can't possibly believe that. Even if your dream pointed towards it… you can't actually think I would… I'm not a goddess of death, I'm just a girl who likes to sing and design clothes. I can't… I won't... You can't possibly believe I would kill you!"
"No. Of course you wouldn't. You have the purest, most beautiful heart I've ever known. That's why this is so messed up and difficult, Tomoyo. I want to die, I want my curse to come to an end and all of these memories to be forever lost and vanished. And now that I have met you, I want it even more than before, because the thought of keep living, indefinitely, long after you die, unable to forget you… it's just awful. Don't you see? By giving me reason to live, you also gave me even more reasons to die. If things were different…" I painfully mutter, as I reach out and stroke her hair. "I… I really want to be with you, Tomoyo. I wish I could be a normal guy and just be able to be with you, to take you on dates on Friday nights and get drunk with you and fall asleep by your side… and all the things normal people do. But that's just wishful thinking. I'm not normal people, and I can't keep pretending that I am any longer. This dream we both had wasn't a nightmare, nor a warning. It was a preview of what is to come, of a future that is going to happen. And that I want to happen… but not like this. Not if to get my wish, I have to doom you."
"You make it sound as if it was all foreordained… as if I had no say in this. As if I had no other choice than killing you, just because destiny says so. But… I'm no one's puppet, Eriol! I have my own mind, and I make my own choices. No one can force me to do this if I don't want to! Not you, not that woman from the dream, not anyone. I don't care about your dreams and this so-called destiny thing. I'm my own person. And I refuse to this."
"You're right, Tomoyo. You're your own person, with your own mind and your own choices. No one can force you to do it. But it will undoubtedly happen, nonetheless. Which means that you will do it… out of your own free will."
Her eyes open even more.
"W…. what? No… you can't believe that. Do you think I will ever want to kill you? Even if that's what you wish… I can't. I won't. I'm not a murderer, and I'm certainly not your damned wish-granting fairy godmother! That's the witch's role, not mine! If dying is what you want, then let her do it, and leave me out of it. I want nothing to do with your bloody pact!"
"Believe me… that's exactly what I intend to do," I say, staring at her very seriously, and feeling my lips tremble as I struggle to get the words out of my mouth. "And that's why I need to do something really… drastic… to spare you from this. It's the only thing I can think of, and it's horrible and rather desperate... but I have to try. Because even if I want my wish to be granted, I can't pay the price for it. It's too high. It will destroy your life. And that's why I'm most sorry. That night at the bar… I didn't know I would bring all of this upon you. And the worst part is, selfish as it is, I can't even bring myself to regret it. I hate myself for it, but I know that if I could go back to that moment and change anything... I wouldn't. I would do it all over again, because having known you… is one of the most amazing things that ever happened to me. I'm sorry, Tomoyo... You know the truth now. The only thing left, is to ask your forgiveness for what I did… and for what I am about to do," I just mutter, almost unable to talk, with a knot tightening inside my chest, as I step towards her.
"What… are you talking about?" she whispers, staring at me with eyes that suddenly are full of fear. And it hurts me to no end to have her staring at me like that.
I force myself to continue talking. Suddenly, I feel an irrational need for her to know, to understand why I'm going to do what I'm going to do, why it's necessary, why I don't have a choice. Maybe that way… she won't hate me so much for it. Maybe that way… I would be able to forgive myself someday.
"I'm talking about… making things right. Undoing some of the damage I've caused. You shouldn't have to be dealing with this kind of thing. You shouldn't have to pay for my sins. And you wouldn't… if I had never appeared into your life."
"What are you saying?" she says, staring at me somewhere between shock and disbelief. "Are you telling me… you're going to turn back time? Make our encounter never happen? Erase everything that happened between us… just like that?"
"No. I can't do that. What already happened can't be erased, nor changed. And even if I could… I don't think I could bring myself to. But… the past only exists in our minds, Tomoyo. It exists only because we remember it. By changing that… the past can be changed."
And then, she seems to understand. And her gaze goes from afraid and shocked to paralyzed.
"No… you can't do that," she says, and for the first time ever, she looks at me in real horror.
"I'm sorry," I say, almost unable to get the words from my throat, and I raise my hand towards her.
She jumps backwards, as if my touch was poison.
"No!" she screams, stepping backwards and looking desperately around, searching for an exit that wasn't there, that wasn't anywhere. I just stare at her in silence and utter sadness. Her sorrowful eyes turn to me then.
"Eriol… don't do this. You know it's wrong. You don't have any right. They're mine, dammit! You can't take them from me!"
"I have to," I utter, as I painfully walk towards her, but she's cornered against the wall, with nowhere to escape, and she knows that. So she just stares at me with eyes full of dread and sadness. "I don't like it. Dammit, I hate it. But I don't have a choice. It's the only way… to keep you out of this. Think, Tomoyo. You're a smart girl. What would you do, if you were in my place?"
"I... I would trust you. I wouldn't take the most important thing away from you."
"Tomoyo… the most important thing now, is your life. There's nothing more important, and if I don't do this… I would be gambling with it. I can't… I just can't risk it. I don't even know if this is going to work… but I have to try. Your life being destroyed because of my sins… is something I could never forgive myself for. I can't let it happen."
"But, I don't understand," she said, staring at me with an anxious look in her eyes. "Why are you so sure this is unavoidable? Why can't we fight it... some other way?"
"Because, we can't. It's... hitsuzen." I manage to say.
"Hit… suzen?" she repeats, startled. "You mean... inevitable?"
"It means more than that. It means... foreordained. It means there is no chance, no… randomness. Everything that's happening to us was scheduled to happen, and it's happening for a reason. It means things can only happen in one way."
"You mean... like a divine plan? As if some invisible hand has written our destinies in stone?"
"Yes, but... the only hands that have written our destinies are our own. Our fate is the result of our own choices. But this world has limited possibilities to offer us from the very beginning, and it forces us to choose from our first breath, and every time we choose something, we narrow those possibilities even more. Eventually, we are left with only one path; one possible world, one possible way to be. That's hitsuzen."
"So you think it is our fate to be here, now; a destiny that was created by choices we both made who knows how long ago; but as inevitable and inexorable as if it would have been written by some divine hand."
"It's not that I think it... I know it."
"But… what about randomness, then? What if I hadn't sung in that bar that night, for instance? You know… I almost didn't. Or what if you had come back from England two days earlier, or later, or hadn't come back at all? You could not have had that dream. Or could have chosen to pay no attention to it. What kind of world would this be then? What kind of reality would we be living?"
"No, stop. Those worlds you speak of don't exist, could never have existed. You couldn't have not sung that night, just as I couldn't have not come back from England that same day. There was a freakishly long chain of events and past choices that led us both to do those things and meet at that bar that night. It's the so-called butterfly effect; even the tiniest actions have huge, unstoppable effects in the long run. If there was ever a moment when we could really choose anything, it was at the beginning of our lives; and mine began so long ago, that I can't even remember that choice anymore. But everything that happened afterwards... even my meeting with the witch in my past life, and asking her that wish… was already predestined, set in motion by that former choice, so lost in the past I can't even track it back anymore. And now… we're just living the reality we created for ourselves, acting in the only way we could possibly act. Unable to change or to choose anything anymore. "
"I see now... why you always look like you're carrying the weight of the world upon your shoulders. That's what hitsuzen is for you... a force so powerful that not even you, the greatest wizard alive, can stop."
I can't answer.
"You told me before, even if it was with different words..." she continues, "that us finding each other was hitsuzen… meant to happen. You said we would have found each other even if things would have happened differently. But that time you sounded happy about it… as if it was a good thing. But now, you're terrified. What changed? We're still the same people. You're still you, and I'm still me... am I not? I'm not any closer now to being a goddess of death than I was yesterday. I don't want to kill you, and more importantly, I don't think I could, even if I wanted to. You, being the most powerful wizard ever, can't possibly be killed by a regular mortal, right?"
I shake my head no.
"Well... not easily, no."
"Well, I don't have any secret powers or weapons that I'm hiding from you."
"I know that."
"Then, why are you so worried? If this is ever going to happen, it's miles away from now... I can't even imagine what would have to happen in order to make it possible. So... can't we just wait it out? Maybe you misunderstood that dream. Maybe we could do more research... find out what your dream really meant."
I sigh.
"It's useless. I know how my premonitory dreams work, I've had them for centuries. Also, there's my wish... the one I asked to the witch. She promised me my dream would come true in my next life... in this life. And when the Dimensional Witch grants a wish, it always comes true... although, not always in the way you might expect. I... wasn't expecting this. I wasn't expecting the goddess to be a mortal girl... But, now that I know it's you, I know there's no way around it. It's hitsuzen… therefore, it's going to happen. Maybe not right now, but... since I can't know when, or how... I can't risk to wait it out. It's too dangerous. You can't play with hitsuzen."
She stares intently at me, and tries to show a little smile.
"But, if it's really hitsuzen... then it will happen no matter what... right?"
"Yes."
"Then... why do you think you can change it? Why even try?"
Once more, I can't answer... because I know she's right. I can merely look at her in utter despair.
Then, she gets closer, slowly and somewhat hesitantly. I see her standing in front of me, her eyes piercing into mine as she lifts her hand and softly touches my cheek. There's a strange, bittersweet smile on her lips.
"Eriol, even if we can't change it, it doesn't mean there's nothing we can do. We can still do something."
"What?"
"We can embrace it."
I stare at her, startled, confused and admired, all at the same time. She's staring back at me, with eyes that look full of sorrow and concern, but also… a slight gleam of hope; a silent, desperate plea. As if she was wordlessly reaching out with her hands towards me, and asking me for something that I know, I can't give her.
A leap of faith.
Jump, those eyes say. Take a chance. Grab my hand and just let yourself fall into the dark.
Everything is going to be alright.
And for a moment, I'm really tempted to do so. To just grab her hand and jump, and let whatever that has to happen just… happen, and face it all with her.
But then… I remember the dream I had the other night, the one I didn't dare to tell her about. The one in which I couldn't stop her in time. What happened the moment she opened that door. And I feel my heart freezing in my chest.
"No," I say, stepping back. "I can't. Even if I know it can't be changed... I have to try."
She sighs.
"Why? Eriol, I think… you're still hiding something from me."
I just stare at her and say nothing.
"You know…" she says, "when I saw the witch in that vision we just had… she said something to me. Right after you died. "
I stare at her, perplexed.
"What… did she say?"
"She said, 'Go. It's waiting.' She was staring at that door at the end of the hallway. And… I knew she was right. I felt it... in my heart. There was something there… behind that door… that was calling for me. And I knew I had to go there."
I feel myself go pale, as if all the blood had just left my face and all the air had left my lugs, and there is just a huge void inside my chest.
So, does this mean the end will be always the same, no matter what? That there's no possible way to keep her from there, to keep that tragedy from happening?
Not even if I died?
The circle has to close. Those were your own words… Clow.
"Eriol… I need to know what did that mean. What is… behind that door?"
"No," I bluntly say. "That... I can't tell you. I'm sorry, I just… can't. I've already told you everything I could. And now… you have just proven me how dangerous this whole thing is. I'm sorry, my dear... But I can't let you go through this. If there's anything I can do to stop it, I will try it… no matter how horrible. Because I just can't allow it to happen. I can't. I need to keep you safe in any way I can, and as long as I'm in your life... you won't be."
"But, why are you so sure… that I'm not safe? Is it... because of that door? Of what's hiding behind it?"
"Yes. But also, because this is part of one of Clow Reed's plans, and he was selfish and ruthless, Tomoyo; he only cared about himself. He never worried about how his schemes could affect others… only cared about accomplishing his goals. That's who he really was… who I really was… in my previous life. He wouldn't care about putting your life in danger… if it was needed to get something he wanted. And he had high stakes in this."
"But… that's not you. You do care about me. Eriol, don't you see? You're not him. You've changed. Even if all of this was one of his schemes... he's not here anymore. You are. And you can make things different."
"God... I hope I can. That's all I'm hoping for, and that's why I have to do... this. Please... forgive me, my dear. I don't want to do it... but I have no choice."
"You always have a choice."
"No, I don't, because, like you said... I'm not Clow Reed. I do care about you... so much... Damn it, no, that's not what I should be saying. Tomoyo, I…"
"No. Stop," she says, putting a finger on my lips and staring at me with the most desolate eyes ever, which suddenly start to fill with tears. "Don't say it. You've made up your mind, haven't you? You're going to do this no matter what, and there's no way I can talk you out of this, nor stop you... right?"
I merely look at her sadly, feeling a huge lump form in my throat.
"I'm sorry."
"I... don't want to hear it. And I don't want to hear any words I'm not going to remember later. It's just... cruel. If you're going to do this… then do it. I can't stop you. But, would you at least do me one last favor... before I go back to not knowing you?"
"Anything," I utter, feeling the lump grow bigger, until I'm almost unable to speak.
"Keep them," she says, her eyes full of tears.
"What?"
"My memories. The ones I have with you. Don't just… erase them. Keep them somewhere, seal them in some object like you did with yours, or… I don't know. Just… don't let them disappear. They are… valuable to me, you know? I don't want them to be lost. They made me feel alive again… I don't even know who am I going to be without them," she says, between half-choked sobs, as tears start running down her face. And to see her like this, because of me… breaks my heart. To my surprise, I feel my own eyes filling with tears too; something that startles me for a moment, because I can't honestly remember when was the last time it has happened.
"You'll be Tomoyo Daidouji," I force myself to say. "Just like you always have."
"No… not always," she says. "There's a huge part of me I forgot I even had... and it was you… it was you who reminded me. And now I'll lose it again."
Then, I cup her face with my hands; my eyes cloudy and a rock weighing inside my chest as I look at her beautiful, moist, amethyst eyes.
"You can't lose it... I promise," I say, and then, unable to stop myself, I kiss her. One last, short kiss, that tastes like broken dreams and sorrow and tears.
It only takes a moment for the awful deed to be done. My hands glow and her body tenses and trembles for a second, and then… it's over. When my lips leave hers, she has already drifted into unconsciousness, and I catch her in my arms.
I hold her, and for a moment, I feel my legs falter and I just let myself drop to my knees with her, holding her to me like just I did two nights ago, when she came back to my house after putting Sakura on a plane; as if she had just arrived from the other side of the world for a short visit and was about to go back to the place she had come from, leaving me alone again, this time for good.
And then I realize the tears are escaping from my eyes, and I don't even care enough to try and stop them.
"Damn you, girl," I say to her, even though I know she can't hear me; as I hold her to me and tears run down my cheeks. "You are ruthless. Look what an idiot you've made out of me. Damn you. Damn you. Damn you."
...
Eventually I get up, carrying her in my arms and out of that hidden room. A room she would never set a foot on again, and with any luck, neither would I. Out of the other room too. And the house.
And my life as well.
But I know, now more sure than ever, that she will never be completely out.
Because now I have to live with those words. Those words she wouldn't let me say, and that would remain strangled in my throat forever.
Damn you, girl.
It's morning already, which means there will be movement in the streets, and surely in her house too.
And I'm like the exact opposite of the prince from that Sleeping Beauty tale. Instead of waking the princess up with a kiss, I had put her to sleep with one; and instead of breaking the spell and awakening everyone in the realm… I have to make everyone sink into a deep slumber.
For about half an hour, everyone in her house falls asleep where they are, unable to resist my spell. And then, I take her back to her bedroom, lie her down on her bed and stare at her for a moment. She looks just like she had that night when I came back to Japan, after she trashed her own bedroom and fell asleep, full of guilt, loneliness and regret. I wasn't really there that time, so I couldn't do what I wanted: run my fingers through her hair, place a soft kiss on her forehead… and whisper in her ear that things were going to be alright.
So, now that I can... I do. I don't know why I do it; she can't hear me, and it doesn't comfort me either. It just feels like a lie I'm telling myself, because, unlike that other time, now there is no hope, no expectation of ever watching her wake up again... no nothing.
Sighing, I take a last look at her, turn around, and leave.
Such a pitiful Prince Charming I am… really.
…
Author's notes:
Hello again. Once more, I have to apology for the delay in updating this story. I have little time to write, and this chapter was really hard... because the sadness and all. I don't remember ever writing anything that made me feel as sad as this chapter did. I don't know why. That Muse song I was listening didn't help either. It felt awfully appropriate for my plot though, so I included it.
Well... the mystery woman is not a mystery anymore. Some of you saw it coming. As I told one reader in a PM, it was really unavoidable, to address Clow and Yuuko's relationship, even if this is, and will continue to be, an E/T fic. The problem is Clow Reed himself. That dude is a freakin' walking crossover; he has major importance in at least three of Clamp's works which entwine with each other, so... if you choose to include him in a fic and make him have some relevance, said fic will inexorably have some crossover elements. And although I'm actually writing about Eriol, I honestly believe you can't develop his character with some depth without addressing Clow Reed.
I'll try to keep the crossover elements to a minimum though. Luckily, Clamp actually revealed very little about Clow's actual life, so us fanfic writers have a lot of room to create from our imagination, without spoiling other works too much. Like my version of his first encounter with Yuuko, his dream, or his motivations.
But still, as I warned you before, there are going to be some spoilers for Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles and xxxHolic, one of them kinda major. So you should be sure you already read those mangas (or watched the animes) or be sure you never will, or be sure you don't mind spoilers. Or stop reading my fic (no, don't stop reading my fic!). Luckily for you, as I don't update very quickly, you have PLENTY of time to catch up with those stories. And it's worth it too. They are really awesome.
Well, that's it for now. Please don't hate me for making our characters suffer so much! I'm kinda ruthless too... you know?