One life

by Nessa Yavetil

When you are a powerful mage who reincarnates after every death, you learn to come to terms with love and loss. You learn to enjoy things while they last. But, what happens when you fall for someone who makes you believe you could change your destiny? (Sequel to "Do you remember love?" READ THAT ONE FIRST!)

5. Fireworks

5. Fireworks

---

Under the bright
But faded lights
You set my heart on fire
Where are you now?
Where are you now?

(Alan Walker – Faded)

---

…

One day I woke up, and the world had... changed.

I couldn't really explain how, but I knew it, even though everything around me was the same as always: my room, my things, my house; everything seemed to be in its right place, everything was how it was supposed to be.

And yet, something just felt... off. I couldn't quite grasp what it was, but things felt slightly different somehow; as if something silent but drastic had happened while I slept, and this was no longer the same world where I had closed my eyes the night before, but a mere copy of it; a copy that looked and felt almost exactly the same as the original one, yet, somehow, I could tell it wasn't.

It felt utterly bizarre.

It wasn't so much as if something was wrong, but instead as if something was missing; something very subtle but very important, something that I couldn't define with words but that seemed to render everything less colorful, less lively with its absence.

But, what was it?

Then I remembered something Sakura told me once, several years ago. Just after she went through Yue's trial, and she described to me the world that would have taken place if she had failed.

"It was a sad, colorless world." she had said. "People didn't realize it, but they were lacking the most important thing. Everyone seemed and acted normal, but… nobody felt anything special for anyone anymore. It was as if all the people I knew had forgotten about their own feelings. Everyone… my dad… my brother… Syaoran-kun… you… even me. It was awful, Tomoyo-chan… Thank God I could stop it from happening. I never want to live in a world like that."

Her words from so many years ago resounded in my head and made my blood freeze. Could a catastrophe like that had just happened again? No... that couldn't be. She wouldn't allow it, and besides, my feelings for the people I loved were still there, all of them. Unchanged.

Well… almost all of them.

I realized then that thinking about her didn't hurt as bad as it used to. Actually, it almost didn't hurt at all. As if the bustling cauldron of mixed and painful feelings that my chest had been for so many years, had suddenly, unexpectedly quieted down somehow.

For no reason at all.

Why?

It was kind of scary. What was happening to me? What was this feeling of strangeness, of vacancy that had suddenly overwhelmed me?

I mean, I still cared about her, a lot, but… it was as if something really warm and sparkling that had always been tied to her memory had somehow, if not entirely vanished… dimmed. Enough to not hurt anymore. Enough to not matter anymore.

I thought I was just having an odd day. Something so important to me, so precious, couldn't just go away, disappear just like that... could it? It would surely come back soon. I knew it would.

But... it didn't.

The colors, the fireworks didn't return, and that feeling of strangeness in the back of my stomach, of something being amiss, never really left me.

But that's the world I live in now. There are days in which it still bothers me. But most days... I just don't feel anything at all.

It's kind of a relief, actually. I remember a time, not too long ago, when every day I would wake up feeling sadness, and loneliness, and longing; a time when every night I would go to sleep with a heart overflown with despair and unfulfilled desires.

Most times it's a relief to not feel like that anymore. I remember that I hated to feel like that, I hated what it did to me, how it tainted with a shadow of guilt and despair everything I did; because those feelings were as wrong as they were hopeless. It's a relief to not have to be looking at my phone twenty times a day just to see if I have a message, and to eventually receive that message and just be glad for it, and answer it fondly but without that familiar sting in my chest, without that anxiety of waiting for the next one. Without that endless, hopeless wait for those words that would never be the ones I wanted to hear or read.

I didn't even feel bad when I received the news that she was engaged. Actually, I was glad for her; honestly glad, to my own surprise. I had always wanted her to be happy, and now she was. It's actually relieving, to know that our little "misstep", to call it something, didn't screw up her possibilities to be with the one she really loves.

But still… it's somewhat weird. I still can't seem to put my finger on it; because although most days I don't feel almost anything anymore, there are also other days. There are days in which something about this stillness feels a little bit off, almost as if it was… unnatural. As if there was something that was supposed to be there, and just wasn't. Something different from this pleasant, painless, unproblematic silence in my heart.

Those are the days when I have the dreams.

…

The sound of knocking at my door suddenly startles me, dragging me out of yet another arid, pointless round of broody recollection; and making me look up, not without some puzzlement. It's not at all like her to be this polite. Which means, she must be here for something serious.

"Come in," I say, and as the door opens and her shape appears hesitantly behind it, and I see the strange look in her eyes and the tray in her hands, I realize I wasn't wrong with my assumption.

"I… I'm sorry to interrupt you… I just baked some scones, and… I thought about bringing you a few… and a cup of tea," she says, almost meekly. And that is all I need to know for sure that whatever this is about, it is indeed very serious.

"Thank you," I say, with a smile. "You're too kind, really. You didn't have to. Would you mind leaving the tray over there? I'll eat them later, I promise. I'm not very hungry right now."

"But… the tea… will get cold."

"Don't worry. I'll reheat it later."

"It'll be ruined if you reheat it."

"No, it won't. Don't worry about it."

She lets out a deep, slightly annoyed sigh.

"You're not going to make this any easier for me… are you?"

"Alright…" I say, smiling, as I finally reach out and grab a scone from the platter and smell it, and despite everything I just said, I realize I love the smell of warm, recently baked pastries. "Spit it out. I know you didn't come here just to bring me tea and scones, I'm not stupid. I'm just surprised you needed to make such an excuse just to talk to me."

"Well, excuse me for trying to do something nice!" she says, narrowing her eyes wryly. "You seem to be under the impression I am some kind of inconsiderate jerk who can't do anything for other people without ulterior motives."

"Well… aren't you?" I say, quizzically. But then I see the sudden hurt in her expression, and I realize this might not be the best moment to tease her. "Oh, come on… I was just messing with you," I say, apologetically. "I appreciate the gesture, really, but, tell me... You came here to talk about something. What it is… Nakuru?"

"Well…" she says, cautiously, as she leaves the tray on a corner of the mess that is my desk, and sits on the chair that stands right across it. "There's something I've been meaning to ask you… for quite some time now."

"Yes? Tell me."

"Well… I don't know how to put it delicately… so I'll just say it. Eriol… what the hell are we doing here?"

I can't say that I wasn't expecting to be asked that question, for some time already, but still, to hear it so bluntly coming from her lips now, kind of catches me off-guard.

"I… I don't understand what you mean. As you may see, I'm working on something. Why are you asking me this, now? Are you bored? If that's the case, you could get a job too, you know? There's a cafeteria two blocks from here that I know is hiring. I think you'll look great in their waitress uniform."

"Are you making fun of me? Waitress uniform? Really?"

"Why? They're cute. You like cute, girly outfits."

"Damn it, Eriol. I already have a job! I'm your guardian… did you forget?"

She looked more than a bit hurt, and I felt a little ashamed for having said that.

"I know. I'm sorry. Tell me what you're worrying about. I won't tease you anymore. I promise."

"Well… Eriol, I'm... I'm worried about you. Lately, I've been having trouble understanding what the purpose of us being here is. I mean… It's been months. You barely ever leave the house. You spend all your days locked up in this study and all your nights by the piano. I don't even know when you sleep anymore. You no longer cook any of those amazing dishes you used to, you eat just barely enough to not starve, and you wouldn't take that job at Tomoeda University, even though you had applied for it. I… I really don't understand. Why did we come back to Japan? When you made us pack everything up all of a sudden and get on the first plane to Japan, I thought we were heading for some adventure. I thought you had some sort of big plans here, but since we arrived, nothing has happened. Nothing at all. Well, except for…" she suddenly interrupts herself, and I realize she must have seen some change in my expression. "Well, I'm sorry, but I'm done avoiding the subject. I'll say it, dammit. Except for her. And that was months ago. Eriol, you need to snap out of it already. I understand, you're sad because things didn't work out between you two. It sucks, but it happens all the time. That's no reason for you to become a… a…"

I just stare at her, somewhat curious about the word she would choose to complete that sentence.

"A ghost."

"Oh, but that's where you're wrong," I say after a few seconds, letting out a sigh and putting down the untouched scone. "That's exactly what I have to become. A ghost. Something invisible. Untraceable. Unfeeling."

Dead, I think, but don't dare to say it out loud.

"But, Eriol… why? You weren't like this when you broke up with Mizuki-san. Alright, you weren't exactly a ray of sunshine, but… you got over it. You were sad, but you were still yourself. I thought we flew all the way here to start a new life; but this thing you're leading… this isn't a life. This is like being half dead. So I need to understand, Eriol. Why don't we go back to England, where our real life is? Is there a reason why we need to be here at all?"

I stare at her, at her very serious, concerned eyes. I've been expecting to be asked this question at some point; I honestly have. But what I haven't really thought about was how would I answer, once it was asked.

Because I couldn't even answer it to myself.

Why am I still here?

"There is a reason," I start, although not entirely sure of what I was saying. "But I don't think I can explain it to you just now, Nakuru. Would it be too much… if I asked you for just a little more patience? Would it be too much to ask you to accept this as it is… and not ask any more questions?"

She just stares back at me, frowning. There's a resolute look in her brown eyes.

"Yes. It would. I'm sorry, Eriol. I know I have no right to demand things from you, I know you're my master and I'm just your guardian, but this thing you're doing is interfering with my job. My very reason to be is to protect you from any harm, and yet I see you languish and fade here every day. Each day you look more and more like someone who is just waiting for death… and it creeps me out, Eriol. So, if I have to accept this, I will need a valid reason. You need to tell me. What are we doing here?"

I sigh. I don't have enough strength or will to get into an argument with her now. So, I decide on telling her the truth.

"We're waiting."

She blinks, looking somewhat surprised.

"Waiting? For what?"

I sigh.

"I think… a miracle."

…

There are days in which I wake up with lots of weird crap going through my mind.

Those are the days when I have the dreams. And I must say... it's not pleasant.

Most of it is just a bunch of incomprehensible and chaotic stuff: loose words spoken in different languages, most of which I don't understand; flashes of places and people I don't recognize and that last so briefly I can't even get myself to remember... And those are the days I wake up, stunned and confused, with a searing headache and a feeling of unreality in my chest; an insidious, bothersome feeling, like a dark, veiled suspicion, that nothing about this life is actually normal. That nothing about this world is actually real.

Those are the days when I start doubting my own sanity.

I can never remember much of these dreams anyway; only those loose words and flashes I get for a few seconds after I wake up, right before I can't think anymore because my head feels like it's going to split in half. A valley, maybe. The face of a blue-eyed child, all covered in dirt… people screaming… an arrow flying in the night… pain, and fire, and a sound of thunder, and more pain, so much pain in my head that for a moment I feel sick and I think I will pass out from it, and I have to close my eyes tightly again and press a pillow against my face. And darkness, a darkness so deep and so vast and so cold that engulfs me, engulfs everything…

Those are the days when I wake up with my heart pounding in my chest, and a cold sweat on my skin; and although none of those things last very long, once they're gone I'm left with the feeling that these dreams are important; that they are trying to tell me something… if only I could remember them. But I can't, no matter how hard I try, and it gets frustrating. Once those feelings are gone, and the pain clears from my head, the only thing that remains is that feeling of vacancy, of a world that is missing something very important and cries for it, and I should know what it is, but I don't, I can't find it and it makes me want to cry.

But that feeling doesn't last long either. Soon enough, even that anguish is gone.

I should be relieved, and most days I am; but the days I have the dreams are different for some reason. They leave me in a somewhat sensitive, uneasy state; and even when all the unpleasantness passes, I still can't shake the idea that this strange, inexplicable absence of feeling is just… wrong. That I should be feeling something. That I want to feel something. Even if it hurts.

I want to remember what it's like to feel love.

So, I go up the stage and sing. It's the closest I find to that; it's the only thing that still makes my heart stir and jump again. But it also fills my chest with all kinds of strange feelings I don't really understand, and that unsettle me. Sometimes is anger. Sometimes is sadness. Sometimes is just like a weird nostalgia; but, nostalgia of what? I never lost anyone, because I never had anyone. What could I possibly be nostalgic of? That thing with Sakura? But that was nothing, it wasn't even a thing. I never really had her, not even for a moment. I know that well.

What, then?

Lately, I can't seem to get enough of the stage.

It's not the cheer of the audience, although I like that. It's not the feeling of being exactly where I'm supposed to be, where I belong, the moment I set a foot on it; although I like that too. It's not even the way I feel like I lose all my inhibitions when I'm up there singing, and turn into whatever I really am, whatever I want to be. All of those are just good, valid reasons, but what happens to me when I'm there goes beyond any logical reasoning.

It's like I'm searching for something, I just don't know what it is; but I have the strong feeling that if there's a slim chance of ever finding it, it would be on the stage.

Whatever it is that happens to me when I'm there, it doesn't go unnoticed. The guys from the band really like the passion I show when I sing, and in a few months I escalated from doing background choruses and eventually singing a duet with Takeshi, to lead-singing most of our songs.

Takeshi is the guitarist and the one who asked me to join, and also the one I get along with the most. He has an extroverted, easy-going personality that reminds me a bit of Sakura's; and chatting and being around him is always fun. He was also the one who suggested I should take lead in the singing department, because he liked my voice and he wanted to focus more on the guitar, and also something along the lines of we have a hot chick in the band now, so we're fuckin' idiots if we don't put her up front where she's seen, right? And as unceremonious as it was, that's how I started my journey as a steady member, and the new voice of the band.

We even had a small increment in the modest but loyal amount of followers that came to hear us in the small dives where we usually play; especially girls, something the guys really appreciated. So all in all, everything was going just peachy.

Well, almost everything. There was one little problem, though.

Lately, Takeshi has started acting strange around me. I've caught him staring at me in moments he shouldn't be staring at me, and when he finds himself caught, he laughs nervously and makes some awkward joke. He's the one who always offers to take me home in his motorbike after we're done rehearsing, and makes flirtatious jokes when we're alone. He was the one who couldn't stop staring at me and making appreciative comments the first time I showed up at a gig wearing one of my custom-made outfits, and suggested that I should wear a new one for every gig we ever played.

And it sucks. It sucks that he feels about me that way. Why does he have to complicate everything?

It makes everything difficult, because I really like him, and I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to ruin this sort-of friendship we have, and compromise my place in the band because of it.

It sucks… because I don't feel the same way about him.

I guess it was to be expected. There's only been one person I've ever felt about that way in my entire life, and even though I don't seem to feel it anymore, I'm evidently not past it. I can't even imagine feeling like that again, about anyone. God, I don't even know if I can feel like that about a guy.

But those are questions I don't even ask myself. It's like there's a great void where my feelings used to be. Like some big part of me has just gone asleep, and I didn't know how to wake it up again.

It's strange and somewhat saddening; it would be so much simpler and better to just fall in love with Takeshi, who is nice and funny and somewhat cute (well, in that scruffy sort of way) and clearly crazy about me. But whenever I catch him looking at me, the only thing I feel is guilt; no colors, no fireworks. Just guilt, for not being able to reciprocate his feelings, for not being able to look at him in the same way, but also for not being able to walk away from him and the band, and just leave them alone. Because I can't, I can't do that either. Sakura is in China, and I'm lonely. I need them, I need their friendship, and I need the band. I need that feeling I get every time I go up the stage. It's the only thing I look forward to, the only thing that still makes me feel like myself, that still makes me feel that I'm alive. I just can't give it up.

So I hope for his crush to pass, and I feel guilty about it, and sometimes, when I'm in a brooding mood, I even wonder if there was ever a time when this same thing happened to Sakura, with me. A time when she secretly knew about my feelings but just couldn't send me away, because she needed me.

If there was, I can't blame her. I understand so much more now. I feel like I've aged a lot in a very short time. And yet, it's still a bit surprising, that after all that happened between us, all that's left in me is just this stillness, and some sort of a strange nostalgia. I understand why she needs to be in China. Honestly, I do. But still, selfish me, I miss her. I miss my friend. Now more than ever.

It's selfish, because I know it may have little to do with Sakura anyway. It may have a lot more to do with that other thing; the fact that one day not too long ago, I opened my eyes, and the world had changed. And not just my inner world. The real world too.

Drastically so.

…

Damn it. Damn it. Does he really think he can shut me up with such a lousy answer?

He doesn't understand. Hell, no, he doesn't. He thinks I'm an idiot who doesn't realize what is really going on.

But…

I know what it is, this miracle he's waiting for. I know what he's looking for, all those hours he locks himself up in that dark, dusty study. Even if I didn't know before, I know it now. You don't have to be a genius to see it; it's written all over his face, in his eyes, those eyes that seem more and more opaque and spiritless every day. He's about to give up; on us, on himself, on life, on everything. It scares me. I've never seen him like this before. It creeps the hell out of me.

But, I can't indulge myself into fear. I'm his guardian, after all. Even though so far I only had a few chances to actually protect him, I'm starting to have the distressing feeling that the time to prove myself might come soon; the most dangerous time, the most important time. Even more than that; this thing that is taking shape now, this thing I don't understand at all but scares me down to hell, might actually be the very reason I exist, at all.

I don't know what it is that he's planning on doing; but every time I see him a feeling grows inside me, a dreadful feeling, that soon enough, I might need to stop him. And, in order to do that, I might need to confront him, and not just with my words; with my powers as well. More and more lately, I've been getting the unsettling foreboding that, not far from now, there will come a time when I might have to fight my master, and defeat him, for his own sake.

But, how? How can I possibly defeat him, he who is the most powerful being alive? How can I, a mere servant created by him, a creature who is not even human, surpass his powers enough to keep him from doing something that will bring harm upon himself?

How?

I realize that, in all my years of being his guardian and living with him, I've learned shamefully little about the true nature of my master. I mean, about his real self. I never found it important, to ask him about his previous lives, who he was, what he did. I mean, I know, Clow Reed and crap. But, I know nothing about his other lives, or how he came to become so powerful. I don't even know the real extent of his powers. I always thought that there would be time for that later, or that it wouldn't be necessary at all. So I chose to use that time doing stupid, trivial, human things; like joking around with him, singing karaoke and playing videogames and cooking meals for him, and shopping for groceries and tidying up the place, even though he never asked me to do any of those things. And of course he wouldn't; who would create a magical guardian for such absurd, menial tasks? Such an idiot I've been. Doing all those things, and foolishly letting myself believe that we were just like any other normal, human family.

Idiot, idiot, idiot me. How could I possibly think that?

I'm not human. I'm not his family. I'm a magical creature he created, and I can't serve him if I'm like this; I'm not doing him any good, neither as family nor as guardian. I can't cheer him up, I can't give him advice nor help him with my words, because he doesn't listen to me; and I can't stop him from doing whatever he is trying to do, because I don't understand him well enough and I'm not powerful enough.

And as the realization of this hits me… I feel like the most useless thing alive.

But, not for long.

All of that is about to change.

…

"Mom… you have to stop worrying about it. It's really not such a big deal."

The voice comes back to me like from a huge distance. Stifled. Weak. Apologetic. And I hate the way it sounds.

"How can you say… it's not a big deal? It's a huge deal… I'm so sorry, dear… I really want to be there for you, and I... I hate that I can't even do such a simple thing. This is not me. I hate… putting you through this."

I hate the way it sounds, because it's not her voice. This is not how she sounds. She always sounds proud, and strong, and sardonic at times, even a bit haughty. She tries to conceal her secret gentleness, her secret kindheartedness behind that mask; but I see beyond that, and I can't say I don't understand her. But now she can't conceal anything; she doesn't even try. And it's not because she chooses so; but because she's too weak to do it. And that's what I hate and dread the most.

But she must not know. If she's too weak to conceal her real feelings, I'm not, and if there's something I've learned well in my life is how to put a good face in any possible circumstance. So, I push my feelings back, and smile fondly at her, and I do my best to reassure her and make her worries go away.

"Stop it, mom. You're not putting me through anything. I'm an adult, remember? I'm eighteen, and I can handle everything. Myself, the house… even the company, if needed. So, don't worry about anything. You just need to focus on getting better, so you can get your life back soon. People miss you at the office, you know?"

"Those horrible hags…" she says, and for a moment I can see a glimpse of her old self shine in her eyes again, and my smile becomes a slightly more honest one. "Of course I will. Relax, honey… this won't be the end of me. I'm a tough cookie, you know that. Those old geezers at the board know it damn well too. I hope they're not giving you a hard time… are they? Don't let them. You must show them who's boss. Don't let them do whatever they please with my company, okay? We, the Amamiyas, are proud and strong women, don't you ever forget that, dear. You show them what we're made of."

"But I'm a Daidouji, mom," I say, smiling openly for the first time in the entire day. "And so are you. You changed your last name when you married my dad, did you forget?"

"Pffft. Don't annoy me with such nonsense," she says, and I even chuckle a little. She smiles faintly. "Thank goodness. Lately, I don't see this happening very often."

"What?"

"You. Laughing. I'm sorry, dear… I know you're way too young to be carrying with this kind of responsibility… yet I have no choice but to put it on your shoulders. I hope you will forgive me someday. For that… and for not being able to be there tomorrow… on your big night."

There's a glimpse of pain in her eyes that makes me panic for a second. Suddenly, her frame on the bed looks so thin, and so frail. Almost as if it was about to disappear, to dissolve into thin air. And something inside my chest freezes.

"I already told you, it's not such a big deal. Really mom… don't worry about it. You'll see me next time."

She lets out a sigh.

"I'd be a lot more at ease if at least Sakura was here. But she's in another country, so..."

"Mom… stop," I say, interrupting her. "You're doing the best you can, and Sakura is too, but there are things I have to do by myself. I can't depend on any of you anymore. Let's not waste any more time discussing this. I'll be alright. Really. I have to go now, we have the last rehearsal today. But I'll come back tomorrow before the show, and afterward too, and I'll tell you how everything went."

She smiles weakly again, and her smile seems like one of the most fragile, precious things I could possibly hold on to. My heart clenches in my chest.

"No, before the show you have to prepare, and afterward I want you to go out with your friends and celebrate. You can come to see me the next day."

"I can't not come tomorrow, mom."

"Yes, you can. You could use some rest and some time for yourself. I'll be fine, I'll have a few friends visiting me. Smile, darling... I'm sure everything will go just perfectly. Have someone film you, okay? I want to see it later. And please… enjoy it as much as you can. It's your big night, and I don't want you worrying about me nor regretting anything. Enjoy it. For me."

I struggle to keep the smile on my face.

"I will… mom," I say, leaning into her to place a kiss on her forehead, and to feel the coldness, the feebleness of her skin makes my chest freeze even more. "I love you. Goodbye, now. I'll see you soon."

"Goodbye, sweetheart. I love you too. Oh, and… Tomoyo?"

"Yes?"

"I want you to promise me something."

"Anything… mom."

"Please… don't waste a wish on me."

That shocks me a little bit.

"Mom…" I start.

"Promise me," she says, and there's a resolute look in her eyes. "Wishes are very important, very precious things… I know, I am your mother because of one. I'll be alright… I'm strong enough. Please, dear. Tomorrow is your night, so, forget about me. I want you to wish for something for yourself. You never let yourself do that… I know. But you must promise me that you will, this time. That will be my Tanabata wish; for you to have your own."

"But… I wouldn't know what to wish for, mom."

"It doesn't matter. You'll know it when it's time. Just don't make it about me; promise me that. You can't say no to your old, sick mother."

At that point, I have to struggle really hard to not let her see the tears that have started forming in my eyes. But she's right. I can't say no to her. Forcing a smile on my face, I manage to say the words she wants to hear.

"I promise, mom."

I see her smile, and that kind of should be enough. Only that, it isn't.

It's not enough at all.

I leave the room holding back my tears, and only when I'm outside the hospital I allow myself to crumble down. Just for a moment, before I have to pull myself together again.

I sit on the entrance stairs, and hide my face between my hands, exhausted; and I can't refrain any longer from the sobs that are struggling to get out of my chest.

The world has changed, so much… and I… I don't know how to live in it anymore.

…

Sometimes, when she doesn't know, I see her.

I can't help it. It happens on its own, those very scarce moments when I allow my mind to relax and the firm hold I keep on my powers loosens a little. I don't plan it on happening, it just does. The thought, the memory of her appears, and before I can make it go away, I'm seeing her, actually seeing her, whenever she is, whatever she's doing. I feel guilty and lousy for this, and I try to vanish her image as soon as it appears. I know I don't have any right.

I've managed to control it for a long time now. But lately...

Lately, she's been crying a lot. She does it only when she's alone and thinks nobody sees her; but I see her, every time. And every time I see her, I can't help but remember that time when she cried her heart out, that stormy night, in my bedroom, in my arms; and all I wish for is to be back there and be able to hold her and comfort her and wipe her tears away, all over again, like that time.

Damn, I would even be contented with merely being able to say a few words to her, stroke a lock of her hair, make her a cup of tea. Or something even smaller, tiny; like sending her an anonymous message, letting her know that she's not alone, that someone cares for her. God, the thought crossed my mind several times. But no, I can't. Not even that. What would I gain, creeping her out like that? She doesn't remember me, she doesn't know who I am. As far as she's concerned, I don't exist; I never existed.

This is what becoming a ghost means.

So, I've settled for just watching over her quietly, ever since this thing with her mum happened and her world turned upside down.

Before that, it was easier to stay away, to push her image aside; it only took one time of accidentally watching that blond-haired guitarist try to flirt with her, and I had enough. I couldn't stand the possibility of witnessing more; of seeing some random guy who could afford the luxury of a normal life, attempting, and perhaps succeeding, to grasp what I had to give up.

So, I've managed to stay clear of her relatively successfully for quite some time. Well, except for the few times she had sung with the band. It was like a guilty vice I couldn't get rid of; to sneak into those places, those little bars and dives where they usually played, and watch them from some shadowy corner, and watch her transform for a while into this amazing rocker girl, who sang with a passion and fierceness as if she was going to take on the whole world. To hear her like this once more, to let her voice melt my brain again was such an exquisite pain, such a guilty pleasure, that I couldn't stop inflicting it on myself, over and over again, just like some people cut themselves with a razor blade in order to hurt less. It was masochism, I knew, but if this was the only thing I could still have from her, damn it, I would have it.

That's what she had become for me now: something that was just close enough to keep me wanting her, longing for her, dreaming about her, yet at the same time as unattainable and beyond reach as if she was at the other side of the galaxy.

Like a star.

It was destroying me. I should have gone back to England, as Nakuru had suggested. I knew it wouldn't make me forget, but at least it would make me stop seeing her, it would stop me from throwing salt into an open wound, over and over again. But I didn't make up my mind soon enough. Deep down, I felt guilty for what I'd done to her; it was a serious thing to mess up with other people's minds, and I couldn't be completely sure there hadn't been any unexpected consequences, so I decided to stick around for a while, alert; just enough so I could fix things if something had gone wrong somehow.

Or such were the lies I told myself… until that day.

The day when she called me.

It was the most shocking thing ever. Of course, she didn't know that she was calling me, but she did nonetheless; I felt it, as clearly as if she had just pulled from an invisible cord that tied me to her. All I knew was that something really bad had happened, and he was frightened and in pain; and she needed me. She needed someone to hold her and tell her everything was going to be alright, and wipe her tears away; and although I was the only person who could actually receive her silent, desperate call, I was also the only one who couldn't answer it.

She didn't call anyone else. Not by phone, not in any other way. Her world crumbled around her in just a few weeks, and she endured it all alone.

After that, I just couldn't stay away anymore. I couldn't answer her call, but I needed to watch over her, to be close, even if I couldn't do anything else, even if she could never know of my presence.

It was maddening. I never felt more powerless in my entire life.

That was, until today. Today, I saw her crying on the hospital stairs, alone, hiding her face in her hands, after visiting her sicker-every-day mother. So lonely, so tired, so defeated. So unlike that shining star she was on the stage; and who I used to admire from afar.

I saw her cry like this, and something burned inside me; I felt my heart beating painfully in my chest, and my hands clenching into tight fists, because there was nothing at all that I could do. I couldn't cure her mother; to heal the sick and the wounded was one of the few powers I never had. And I couldn't even go to her and hug her. I couldn't do anything at all.

It was exasperating and painful; to be the most powerful being in the world yet at the same time, be so completely powerless, so absolutely unable to do anything for the one person I cared about most.

But then, just as I was watching her on those stairs and drowning in my own desperation… something unexpected happened.

The clouds cleared up for a moment, and I could see it.

And it was... beautiful. It was perfect.

It was a miracle.

Like in my dreams, it was as if the sky had opened up inside my head and a glimmer of light had passed through, like a sudden epiphany; suddenly, everything stopped for a moment, and the world stopped being a grim and hopeless place; and all the pieces moved just into their right places, and I could finally see it, the figure that had been hiding from me all this time, the real shape of my destiny. Never before I had my mind sorted out as clearly as then. Because at that moment, I understood what the purpose of my life was, what it had always been; the only, the entire reason for having being born in this world as Eriol Hiiragizawa… at all.

And it had nothing to do with my wish.

It had nothing to do with anything I ever thought before.

Now… I just needed to find a way to make it happen.

…

I stand before that door for a couple of minutes, hesitating. That door that has been haunting me for months, even in my dreams; that door I have imagined being in front of so many times, yet I could never really gather enough courage to actually do it.

And now that I'm here, staring at it, it just looks like a common, ordinary door; a door that can't possibly lead to anything dangerous, or anything I can't possibly deal with. And yet, as I notice my heart beating fast in my chest, and my lips trembling, I feel ashamed.

Why does being here make me feel so distressed? I know I have nothing to fear. I know I'm stronger, more powerful. Superior in every way.

Then, why? Is it because of him?

No. That can't be.

Gathering courage, I ring the bell. A few moments later, the door opens, and a face appears. A startled, handsome face, which stares at me for a moment and blinks, incredulously.

"Y-you?"

And then, a big grin appears on my face. I don't even think about it and can't really help it; it happens on its own, like a conditioned reaction, as if I was, once more, playing a part that I've learned all too well.

"Touya-kun!" I say, like an idiotic schoolgirl. "I'm so glad you remember me after all these years! I've missed you tons!"

The tall guy in front of me just stares back with a blank expression. Slowly, he seems to recover from the previous shock.

"What… what are you doing here… Akizuki?" he finally says.

"Oh, Touya-kun, you're still as proper as always! But we're old schoolmates, we've known each other for a long time. Call me Nakuru-chan! And… aren't you going to invite me in?" I say, smiling innocently at him.

He just stares at me, with that all-too-familiar expression of his, between wary and annoyed, that I had come to know so well and that brings me right back to that delightful year of high school I got to enjoy, in what seems like ages ago.

A delightful, exciting year… that got me absolutely nowhere at all. It brought me no closer to the guy I liked, nor to be more like a real human, nor to become a better, more powerful guardian.

The smile freezes on my face. Suddenly, I realize I'm not so sure if I'm still capable of playing this part anymore.

But then, I hear a voice behind his back; a merry, boyish voice.

"Who is it, To-ya?"

And before he can even answer, a pale, smiling face with fair hair and glasses appears by his side.

"Oh, but if it's Akizuki-san! What a nice surprise!" he says, lightheartedly.

Him. The bearer of that stupid voice. Him. The bearer of that idiotic, goofy smile. Him. The one who is lesser than me in every way, and yet, has everything that I crave for.

I feel my blood boiling, but I have to make an effort and hide it. Focus, Nakuru. You're on a mission here. You must stay civilized if you want to get what you've come here to find. So, you'll have to keep playing this charade for a little bit longer.

"But, what are you two doing here at the door?" he continues merrily, not realizing anything of what is going on through my mind. "Where are your manners, To-ya? We have an old friend visiting us, why didn't you invite her in?"

Touya's face darkens a little.

"She still hasn't told me what she's doing here, Yuki."

"What? That's nonsense. Please, Akizuki-san, come in. Feel welcome to our humble home," he says, opening the door for me; the bright, childish smile never leaving his face. Touya just frowns, but says nothing, and moves aside, letting me in.

"Thank you, Tsukishirou-kun," I say, grinning back to him and throwing a somewhat mean glance at Touya, as I take off my shoes and step into the tatami floors. "You look really good, I must say. You haven't aged a bit."

"Neither have you, Akizuki-san," he says, smiling. Touya just growls. Because he has aged, of course.

Not that there's anything wrong with it. He looks even more handsome now than when he was a high school boy, if that's even possible.

I follow them into their living room, which is a small, yet cozy traditional Japanese room.

"To-ya… would you be so kind as to go and make some tea for us? Please?" Tsukishirou says with a bright, cheerful tone as he gestures for me to sit down.

"Humm… I don't think so. I don't like the idea of leaving you alone with… her, Yuki."

The pale guy just laughs.

"Please forgive him, Akizuki-san. To-ya is not very fond of surprises; they put him in a grouchy mood. Come on, To-ya, don't be rude to our guest. Would you prefer to stay here chatting with her while I go and make the tea?"

He reconsiders for a second.

"Errr… well… no. Okay, I'll go make it. But call me if anything…"

"Thank you, To-ya," he says, interrupting. "Oh, and if you don't mind, while you're at it could you check on the cookies I left in the oven? They'll be done soon, and they'll go just perfectly with that tea," the paler guy continues, smiling all the while as the taller man walks out of the room, grumbling.

"He never changes… does he?" I say, with a polite grin on my face as soon as he's gone.

"No, he doesn't. But I don't mind. He's perfect just the way he is."

"So, you two finally stopped goofing around and got together. That's nice, Tsukishirou. Good for you."

"Thank you, Akuzuki-san. But I'm sure you didn't come all the way here just to exchange pleasantries… did you? I've already sent him away, so that gives us a few minutes… will you tell me now why are you here at last?"

That catches me off-guard.

"At last? You… were expecting me?"

"Of course. I've been expecting you for a couple of months now... I knew you'd come at some point. There's something you need to discuss with me… isn't there?"

Even though it's still a bit surprising this new awareness he has of everything, at the same time it's somewhat relieving; a part of me is glad that I can finally stop playing the charade, and just go straight to the point.

"Yes. There is. It's a refreshing change to see you're a lot less dense than you were before, Tsukishirou-kun."

He smiles, but his smile has a hint of sadness in it.

"It's because I'm awake now. I have all my old powers and senses back. I knew you were in Japan the moment you arrived here. You have to forgive me for being so clueless back then, Akizuki-san. I was under a spell; I didn't know half of what was going on. It wasn't my fault."

"No, it wasn't," I concede. "It was his."

"Yes… and that's what you've come to discuss with me… isn't it? Him."

There's something about the way he says it, with that seriousness in his voice and that gaze that is full of understanding, and also something that seems like a mixture of sorrow, sympathy and concern, that disturbs me deeply, and I realize I won't be able to have this conversation while he's looking at me like that.

"Turn," I say, impulsively.

"Huh?"

"Turn. Into Yue. I can't talk to you about him if you are like this. It'll be easier… if we just take off the masks, and show each other our real faces."

"But, Akizuki-san… This is my real face. Of course, if it'll make you more comfortable… I'll turn."

Then he closes his eyes, and as his body starts shining; white, giant wings unfold from his back, and for a moment they surround him and cover him completely. When they fold at his back again, he's no longer this petite, childish-looking young man, but an imposing, ageless guardian with long silver hair and cold-looking eyes.

"Is this better?" he says.

"Yes. Now, me," I say, and I turn too, I change into my true form for the first time in years. I know I must look magnificent and impressive, with my huge butterfly wings and my long red hair and my gorgeous outfit (although it's just the old one, and not one of those striking new ones Tomoyo designed for me a few months ago), but I realize that, even in this form, my face and my features look way more human than those of Yue, and that is kind of annoying, for some reason.

Suddenly, Touya's slightly annoyed voice comes from the living-room door.

"Both of you… could you please dispose of your wings? You're going to knock down a lamp with those things."

I can't help but feel wryly amused, as we, two powerful magical creatures, are scolded by a puny, powerless human… over lamps.

"Sure, sure To-ya," Yue says, and it's even funnier to behold this being, nothing less than Clow Reed's silver guardian, talking to his human concubine like an old married couple. "Can you give us a moment, please? There's something we need to discuss."

"Call me when you're done, and I'll bring the damned tea," Touya says. "And don't forget about the wings, Yuki."

So, we both fold back our wings, and Touya disappears again.

"He calls you Yuki, even in this form," I say, a bit surprised. "Why? Yue is your real name."

"Both are my real names. But Yukito is the name I had when I met him and Sakura. Yukito is the name that brought me the most happiness. So, I asked him to call me that, at all times. You can still call me Yue if you want."

"You're really lucky," I say. "You're not human, just like me, yet you found someone who loves you and accepts you for what you really are. I have to say it… I envy you."

"I am lucky, indeed," he says. "But it wasn't always like this. Before I could have what I have now… I had to go through a lot of unpleasant things. For a very long time."

"You mean… in this life? Or in the one with Clow Reed?"

"I only had one life… which started centuries ago. It's just that I was asleep for a large part of it."

"Why did you say you had to go through a lot? Wasn't Clow Reed nice to you?"

"No, he was nice… as nice as he could be to a magical servant. He always treated me and Kerberos kindly, but… he never thought of us as any more than that, you know? His beloved, magical pets. Of course… that's what we were, but…"

"Touya… he thinks of you as a person. Not as a magical pet. That's why you love him… isn't it?"

"No… that's not why I love him. I would love him even if he had turned his back on me and pushed me away the moment he knew what I really was; just like I loved Clow, even though he thought of me as nothing more than a pet. No, that's why I'm lucky. To have a human love me and treat me as if I was his equal... that's something I couldn't have imagined in my wildest dreams. Certainly not with Clow."

Then, I realize my eyes are open like plates. What he's implying here is something I really wasn't expecting, nor was ready for.

"Wait a second… when you're saying you loved Clow back then… you mean... you loved him? Like you love Touya now?"

"Well, yes… why? Don't you love your master, too?"

I think about Eriol, and my eyes open even more in horror.

"I... I do, but, not like that! You... perverted thing! How could you think of your master in such a way?"

"And tell me… how do you think of your master?"

"Well…" I start, awkwardly. "He's my maker, my father in some way, but… I guess I really see him more like a son… or a younger brother I like to mess with now and then… He's... family. I couldn't possibly see him in such a dirty way!"

"So to you he's like a father, a brother and a son, all at the same time… and for some reason that seems less weird to you than my feelings for Clow?" Yue says, wryly. "I think my feelings were simpler, and easier to understand."

Touché, you silver bastard.

"Alright. I see your point. So, I'm just as strange and messed up as you are, is that what you mean? Even though you're a lesser guardian, compared to me… you're trying to say we're not that different at all."

"No, that's not why I'm trying to say."

"Better, yet. Because we are different. Not only I am more powerful than you ever were, or will be, but, also… I will be able to achieve what you couldn't."

"Which is…?" Yue says, with an impassive tone.

"Save my master."

Then, Yue's mask of impassiveness cracks, and for a moment, there's worry in his eyes.

"What… you mean… is he in danger? Again?"

"I… I think he is," I say, and I find it difficult too, to remain composed and haughty while he looks at me like that. "He's been… acting really weird lately, and I… I don't know what this means, but my instincts tell me something really bad is going to happen."

"So, that's why you're here. You… want my help. You want me to help you save him. Am I right?" he says, looking utterly surprised.

"No," I say, stubbornly. "I don't need your help. I'm his guardian now, and I'm more than capable of… I mean… this is my duty now! You have nothing to do with it. You just keep living your comfortable life with your human lover here. I… I just want you to tell me one thing. I need to know... how did it happen… the last time. I mean… how did he die. Why did you fail to save him. So… I won't make the same mistake."

Yue's eyes turn taciturn suddenly, as if this was still a painful matter for him, but didn't want me to notice. He remains silent for a while, and then, finally, his lips open, and his voice sounds through them like a whisper. A weary, defeated voice.

"I made no mistake. But… you just can't save those who don't want to be saved."

This answer is not what I expect, and it makes me suddenly angry. It's almost as if he was telling me to abandon all hope and just let whatever is going to happen just… happen. And that, that is something I just can't accept, nor forgive.

"What? You… liar! How can you say something like that?" I yell. "You weak, lousy excuse for a guardian! So, you just gave up on him? You failed to honor your duty, and just let him slip through your fingers and disappear! How can you say you made no mistake?!"

"You don't understand. This is Clow Reed we're talking about! Clow Reed! The most powerful being in the entire world! There's nothing I could have possibly done to stop him, once he made up his mind on doing something. I was created by his will, bound to obey him! Weren't you too? How can you, of all people, not understand?" he shouts back. "I loved him, you have no idea of how much, yet still I wasn't able to do a thing when he decided to die. I had to accept it. A creature can never surpass its creator's powers, nor its creator's will. I was as desperate as you are now. All I wanted was to stop him, to save him… but he didn't want me to do that, and I had to abide his wishes… and just let him go."

He looks deeply upset, and for a moment I remain silent, taken aback. Against myself, I realize I'm starting to feel a strange sympathy for this being, this creature. My rival.

Because I'm starting to realize that he might not be my rival at all.

"I… I'm sorry," I say. "I shouldn't have said that. I know little about Clow Reed and you. But my master is still him, in some way, isn't he? If there's anything you can tell me that could be of use… anything… so I can protect him better… I'll be forever in your debt. Yue, I don't want to go through what you went through. I don't want to lose him like you did. I… I don't have a Touya, nor a Sakura. I don't have anyone by my side, besides him, and Suppy. I can't afford to lose any of them. They're all I have. If… if I can't help him… then my life has no purpose at all."

I look down, noticing that my eyes are filling with tears and struggling with them. I must not, not for anything in the world, let my rival see me being this weak. But then, suddenly, I feel a hand being laid on my shoulder. I look up, startled, and I meet with deep, amethyst eyes. Eyes that stare at me with a gentle, comforting look. A look that is not Yue's at all. A look that is entirely Yukito's.

"Akizuki…" he starts. "I know that's not your guardian name, but let me call you like this, just for now. Akizuki, I understand how you feel, I really do. But… I don't think anything I could tell you about Clow Reed would really help you, because I don't think we're talking about the same thing here. Do you want to know how my relationship with Clow was? It's like the one a human would have with his God. I came to exist, along with Kerberos, one cold, winter morning, in an old, luxurious house. I opened my eyes, and before I even knew who or what I was, I saw him. He was standing in front of me, tall, superb, magnificent in his dark robes, with his magical staff in his hand still glowing; the staff he had just used to create us. We emerged from light like it was a cocoon, and dropped at his feet. He was taller than me, of course; what God would want his creature to tower over him? But I didn't think about any of that then. I just saw him, and before I even knew what I was, or my own name, I knew I belonged to this man completely, I knew the only reason for me to exist was to love him and serve him and be bound to his will, forever. And for a long, long time, I felt that nothing could ever make me happier than that."

I just stare at him, speechless, unable to say a word. He gives me a quick glance, and continues.

"He explained things to us, later. Sort of. He explained who he was, and what we were. He gave us names and showed us our powers. He said we were created with a purpose, but he never told us what that purpose really was. Since he called us his 'guardians', I thought our purpose was to protect him. But it wasn't. That wasn't what he had created us for. Only later, much later, we found out."

"He was stubborn, and proud, but he always treated us kindly, and I didn't know there could be a different way to love than that. I worshiped him, I treasured every word he said to me; the few times he showed any kind of affection, like laying a hand on my hair, I felt like I would die of joy."

"But he didn't love me in the same way, he couldn't have; to him I was just a servant, a creature, a pet. He fell for a human though; a woman who also had monstrous powers like him, and for some time they plotted and schemed together. They never told us what they plotted about. She was kind to us too, and beautiful as a goddess; but just like him, she didn't see us as any more than magical creatures. Back then I didn't even think about this kind of thing. That was what was normal for me. It never occurred to me that I could be loved, or considered in any different way."

"One day, something happened. The woman died, or something along those lines. I thought Clow would lose his mind then, and there would be a chaos. But he seemed to remain calm. Then, he came to us a few days later, and told us out of the blue that his time on Earth had come to an end and that he had to leave us. He, who had lived for centuries, who could live indefinitely if he chose so, came to us talking about death, and destiny, and consequences. He never explained us why. Before we could even protest, or do anything at all, he sealed us into a deep sleep."

"I don't know how much time passed, until I opened my eyes in this world as Tsukishirou Yukito; given a new mistress, and a new purpose. I was hurt beyond imagination when I woke up as Yue and discovered that Clow was long gone, and his reincarnation didn't care much about us. But, luckily… I had Sakura, and Touya. I met people who loved me, truly loved me, as if I was human just like them; and by doing so… they made me human. And for that, I'm thankful to Clow Reed. I'm thankful to him, for letting me outlive him and find them, even though it caused me so much pain. Now, tell me, Akizuki… does this story sound anything like yours? Can you relate to anything I just said? Is your relationship with Eriol Hiiragizawa like mine was with Clow Reed?"

I remain for a second there, just speechless; staring at him with wide-open eyes and unable to move a muscle. And then, I start remembering.

I remember teasing Eriol, and making him play the piano for me so I could sing karaoke, and playing video games with him for hours. I remember joking around with him, sometimes even being scornful, and mean, and disrespectful to him, and he just laughing about it. I remember cooking with him, and telling him that I wanted to go to school like a normal person when we came to Japan the first time, and saying I wanted to use a girl's uniform, and he always saying that it was okay and letting me do whatever I wanted. I remember…

I'm sorry for making you worry, Nakuru. Would it be too much if I asked you for just a little more patience?

"N-no," I can barely mutter. "It isn't. It isn't like that at all."

"Then, you see why I can't help you," Yue finally says. "We're talking about different people, Akizuki-san. Your current master, and my old one… are not the same."

I feel my eyes filling with tears. More than ever, I realize I need to do whatever I can, in order to save him.

"Yue," I say, almost desperate. "Please, give me something. I don't know what to do. He's going to do something horrible… I know it. I've seen it in his eyes. I need to be able to stop him. He's a bit dark, and has a somewhat twisted sense of humor… but he's a good person. He deserves to live, and to be happy. I want to see him smile again. But he's just so stubborn… I know he won't listen to me. Please! Anything you can tell me will do."

"Akizuki… if he really is a good person, like you say… then he might have some people who care about him, besides you. Maybe there's someone he would listen to? You could ask them for help. You don't have to do this alone."

As his words make their way through me, suddenly, an idea, a ray of hope, of light, burst right through my mind. And my face lightens up again, even if only a little bit; and I can feel a faint smile forming on my lips. And even though faint, it is a truthful, honest smile.

Without even thinking about it, I change back to my human form, and I see Yue doing the same. I feel like I could just hug him now, but of course, I don't. So I just smile at him.

"Thank you… Tsukishirou-kun. It's unbelievable, but… you actually helped."

He smiles back.

"Did I? Then I'm glad, Akizuki-san. Now, where's To-ya with that tea and those cookies? I'm starting to get hungry," he says, merrily.

"I'm sorry… but I can't stay for that today. There's something important I need to do."

"That's okay," he says. "I understand."

"But you owe me that tea, Tsukishirou. Can I come back to visit you two again… some other day?"

"You can," a voice says from the door, and I see Touya's figure, a small frown on his face as he carries a tray with a teapot and cups. "But do bring a cake or something, Akizuki-san. It's just good manners, you know?"

I smile.

"I will," I say, happily.

And soon enough, I'm on the streets again, walking home.

It's not that I'm no longer scared, or anxious, because I am. But now, at least, things don't look as hopeless and desperate as before.

Now, I have a plan.

…

Lately, I've found a new ritual, which I practice, like my old rituals, when I'm alone and nobody is watching me.

Lately, I've started to pray.

Well, sort of. I'm not really a religious person, I've never been one. I don't even know how to pray correctly, and I never really thought there could actually be a deity out there listening to my prayers. Even if there is a divine being somewhere, I always doubted it would be listening to me. If there's a God, it would certainly have more important things to do than to attend to the petty problems of one mortal girl, among the billions of other mortal girls just like her.

No, I'm not even sure if praying is the right way to say it, because what I do, I do it only for myself. It's more like repeating a mantra, inwardly, so only I can hear it; a mantra that, for some reason, seems to soothe me. And the words that repeat themselves inside my head are always the same.

Come back. Come back. Come back. Don't leave me alone.

I don't choose the words, they just appear. For some time, I thought they were meant for Sakura, who is thousands of miles away, across the sea, in another country.

But lately, I'm thinking they're not. I'm not sure why, but I don't really see Sakura's face as I repeat them. They seem aimed at no one in particular; they're more like a hopeful wish, a thought sent flying across the universe; like that time I had wished for a ghost lover, that very cold night, on my very cold bed.

And strangely, just like that time I had almost felt it was real, my ghost lover, now there are times when I almost believe that there could be someone out there who could receive my prayer.

It's just a stupid fantasy I use to feel less lonely, but it kind of works, and sometimes when I say my inner prayer, I feel a little bit comforted afterward. As if the world was a less harsh, less lonely place. As if love, the possibility of ever having it, of ever feeling it again, could be really just around the corner, and I just needed to call it louder, to guide it back to me.

Whenever that happens, I suddenly start feeling an imperious urge to sing.

That's why my mother is right: today is not just any day. Today is a big deal.

Summer has come, and with it, one of my favorite festivities is taking place; the Tanabata festival. This is a tradition I've always loved. Every year, at dusk, I would wear a yukata and go to the King Penguin Park or the Tsukimine Temple (the places where these celebrations were held) to meet with my friends, buy some traditional food from the vendor stalls, play carnival games and write silly wishes in colorful paper sticks and hang them from bamboo trees. But above all, what used to be my greatest joy: filming Sakura in her beautiful pink kimono as she smiled and blushed under the light of hundreds of paper lamps.

But this year, everything's different.

The air is warm and fragrant with the scent of the flowers and the aroma from the food stands that are scattered everywhere. Most people are wearing colorful yukatas and even though it's not nighttime yet, there's already a festive, cheerful feeling in the air. But for some reason, I can't manage to pick up on that cheerfulness.

It is understandable, I guess. After all, my mother is lying in a hospital bed and getting worse every day. And my dearest friend is a thousand miles away, and doesn't even know what's going on here. And I had to drop out of college and put my dreams on hold to take charge of my mother's company, I don't know for how long, although I don't have any idea of what I'm doing and I don't know for how much longer I'm going to be able to do it; and some days I feel it's just too much for me, that I'm just an eighteen-year-old girl, and I'm weak and scared and just want someone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be alright…

But then, when I'm about to collapse under all those burdens… I remember the band, and those precious moments I have on stage, when I can forget about everything and just be... me.

I live for those moments now.

So, maybe that's the real reason why I'm so unsettled right now, why I can't enjoy the festival and I feel like there's a rock in my stomach.

Today, the biggest of those moments is about to happen. Today we're going to play in front of a big audience, for the very first time. There are a lot of small living performances scheduled for the festival, and I've managed (through lots of effort and pulling some of my mom's influence strings) our unknown band to be one of the last; even though it would only be a few songs, and most of them covers. Still, it's a big deal. Our first big gig. The only thing I regret is that she won't be here, at the festival, to hear me.

My mother, I mean. Not Sakura.

My bandmates had been nervous as hell all day, and they kept tuning their instruments and putting them in and out of their cases, checking everything a thousand times and trying to make sure everything worked perfectly for our big debut. And I had been anxious and nervous as well, but not so much because of the show, or the amount of people that we know will be watching.

I'm nervous because today is one of those days on which I had the dreams.

As always, I can't remember what the dream was about; but I woke up feeling strangely disturbed, and that feeling remained with me all day. And now, as our turn to go on stage approaches, I'm starting to get the weirdest feeling. As if something bigger than our gig was just about to happen. As if this was my chance, my only chance to find it; that thing I've been desperately reaching for, that thing I know, I need to find, even though I don't really know what it is.

Eventually, as the sunset starts falling and the sky begins to be painted in the darker colors of dusk, our turn to go up the stage comes, and I'm a nervous wreck.

My heart beats really fast as I walk up the stairs and just stand there, in front of the microphone, wearing a short, red yukata-styled dress, and even redder cheeks, and staring at the crowd before me.

It's overwhelming. I've never had so many eyes on me before, all at once.

For a moment, I fear I won't be able to do this.

But then, the guitar starts to sound, hinting the beginning of a melody; and then the drums, and finally the bass. I look briefly out of the corner of my eye and I see Takeshi, who gives me an encouraging smile, and I grab the microphone, stare at the crowd before us, and breathe deeply.

And then, I start singing.

And suddenly, I stop feeling nervous, I stop feeling worried.

I feel amazing.

I'm myself again.

…

We're almost at the end of our presentation; only two more songs to go, and I'm really excited about how everything is going. Since this is a public festival and we're an almost unknown band, we've been asked to play only covers of popular songs; and the ones we've already played got an extremely good reaction. I look around, and I see people cheering and clapping and singing along; the band is playing at its best and I feel I'm at my best as well. The songs we already played were really loud and really powerful, and I relish in that amazing energy they roused in the public, I feel it in my skin, in the air as I breathe in, charging everything with electricity, surrounding us.

But now it's time to slow down, and play the ballad.

The damn ballad had been an issue in the band since we knew we were going to be a part of the festival.

"We have to play a ballad," Takeshi had said. "People expect it, and it's a good way to calm down the mood a little before we pump it up again in the big finale. It should go right before the last song."

"Okay," I had said, absentmindedly. What we sang almost didn't matter to me. The only thing that mattered was to be up on the stage. "Do you have any in mind?"

"Actually… I do," he said, his eyes narrowing. "I want to play the one you sang the night we met, at that bar."

That got my attention. Something revolved in me, and suddenly, I realized it actually mattered which song was. Or wasn't.

"No," I said, without even thinking. "Not that song."

"I know, it's not really a rock ballad, but I think with the right arrangements we can make it work. Speed up the tempo a bit… add a little bit more of drumming… maybe a hint of distortion…"

"No," I repeated, staring at him very seriously. "I don't want to sing that song again."

"But… why?" he said, with a disconcerted look on his face. "It sounded really nice that time, when you sang it. With more time to rehearse it, we can make it sound even better. Also, I kinda… want to play it with you again, properly. Call me nostalgic, but… we met because of that song."

I felt something extremely weird in the back of my stomach when he said that, almost a physical reaction. As if something deep down of me utterly refused to, although I couldn't quite explain why. It just felt… wrong.

"No, Takeshi. Choose another song. Any other you like. Just… not that one."

He accepted between complaints, but looked a little disappointed.

And I… I didn't know for sure why I had to be so stubborn about that song. I actually liked it a lot, but… it felt as if I wasn't able to sing it again, for some reason. As if it belonged to some other time or place I would never be able to come back again; and to try to sing it again would just turn into a clumsy, futile attempt to recover something that was completely gone and lost. A lie I couldn't bring myself to tell.

But eventually, I came up with a better idea.

One day, I came into the rehearsal room with a furious blush on my cheeks and a sheet of paper in my hand.

"I… I wrote a song," I had shyly said, and they all stared at me as if I had just told them I saw an alien from outer space. But, they read it. And to their surprise, and my own, they liked it. It was barely a sketch of the lyrics and music, but they took it, and turned it into something beautiful. They polished it, made the arrangements and choruses, and turned it into a song we could play.

A ballad; but it wasn't a cheesy, romantic ballad.

"This is… disturbing, Raven," Takeshi had said when he first read it, staring at me in shock. "I never thought you could be so dark."

"It's not dark… it's just… heart-breaking honest, I guess. I like it," Minoru said, smiling. Minoru was our drummer, and he was sixteen; the youngest in the band, and even though he was very capable with the drums and smoked like a nicotine-junkie, he still looked like a rebellious little boy who was trying to piss off his parents. It was kind of adorable, and I liked him a lot; he was like a little brother to us all.

"I think it's good, Tomoyo," Kyoichi said pensively, as he stared at the paper sheet. "I didn't know you could do something like this. It needs polishing, but I think we can make it work." Kyoichi was our bass player and the one who wrote most of our songs. He was a quiet, serious guy, who didn't like to stand out, unlike Takeshi and Minoru and… well… me.

I had slowly started to realize that I loved to be in the spotlight too; I loved that feeling of being watched by hundreds of eyes, of being heard by hundreds of ears. Of being the star of the show. Maybe it was because my entire life I had always been at the side, in the shadow; just a companion, a witness, a secondary spectator of other people's feats; unable to do anything relevant, unable to say any words that mattered.

But now, it's not like that anymore. Up here, my voice is powerful again. Up here I can send a message, and people would hear it.

Up here, I am someone.

So now I'm here, on the stage with them, and as dusk falls in the park and I can see the first paper lamps being lit, I realize it's time for the ballad. My ballad, the first song I've ever written. So, as the lights on the stage dim and the first guitar chords start to sound, I feel my heart beating forcefully in my chest, and I start singing.

And as the words start coming out of my mouth, I realize there's something about this song that moves me and distresses me deeply, even though it's my song, I wrote it. I sing, but I'm not just singing; I'm looking at the audience, as little as I can see from the blinding stage lights; and I realize that I'm searching for something there.

What on Earth am I searching for?

I can't be her, because she's miles away, in China; I know I won't find her in that crowd. Then, why do I keep looking? It's odd, so odd, because I can't shake the strange feeling that what I'm looking for now is exactly what I've been looking for all these times I've been singing on the stage; and it's here, somewhere, close, so very close; if only I could see better, if only I could clear up my mind and my vision from the lights that blind me, and find it. But I can't, and I realize the only thing I can do is to keep singing with everything I have, and try to reach it with my voice, with my music; the only way I have to send my message.

Come back, come back, come back.

Don't leave me alone.

…

And as the song reaches its peak, something strange starts happening to me. Tears start clouding up my eyes, and I realize I'm about to cry.

I'm shocked, I can't understand… the song is sad, yes, but I've sung it plenty of times before at the rehearsals, and it was never like this. Maybe it's because of these people watching me, these many eyes staring at me. Maybe it's because of my mom, because of Sakura, because of everything; but no, it's not just that, it can't be just that.

I hear Takeshi reaching the end of his guitar solo, I hear the sound of the drums growing louder and louder and the bass in the background but it's as if all of that was a thousand miles away, as if I was alone here, on this stage, and I'm not even here either, because my voice goes farther than I can ever go and flies freely among the hundreds of people that crowd that place; it flows with the wind and goes between the trees and falls on them like another thousand of cherry blossom petals, and touches them with my sadness and it's as if I can feel theirs too, and this, strangely, comforts me and makes me happy. Even though I can't quite see them, I can't quite see anything, I know my music is reaching them, I know someone is feeling something because of me, and even though I don't know who or to what extent, it doesn't matter, for a brief moment I feel it too, we're connected; and I can't really ask for anything more than that.

Eventually, the song ends, and there is a moment of silence. For a moment, people seem to feel strange or confused, as if they didn't know how to feel; but then, applause starts to sound, and in a moment the entire human mass in front of me is cheering excitedly, and when I realize this I notice my face is covered in tears, and more and more of them start to come.

And I just stand there, dazzled, overwhelmed; I don't understand what's happening to me but I just let them fall, I feel them wetting my cheeks and my heart beating forcefully inside my chest and my hands grip the microphone tightly.

This is it.

This is how it was like to feel.

…

"Hey… what is it?" I hear Takeshi's worried voice whispering in my ear, as the band starts to prepare for the big finale. I just look at him and shrug my shoulders; I can't give him any other answer because I don't have the slightest idea of what is happening to me, what are these tears that I can't stop from coming out of my eyes, but I suddenly I realize I can't be on the stage anymore. It's too much. I look at the audience, which is expectantly waiting for our final song, and I realize there's nothing else I can give them, nor take from them.

"I have to get down," I mutter to Takeshi in a sudden, desperate urge.

"Wha- what are you talking about? There's still the last song!"

"Please…" I say. "Sing it without me. I just… I'm sorry. I can't," and as I speak, I realize my voice sounds strangled and more tears are running down my cheeks.

"O-okay," he says, perplexed. "But, are you going to be alright?"

I nod.

"Okay. I'll say something to excuse you. Wait for us by the stage. Don't go anywhere. It's just one song; maybe two, if they ask for an encore. Okay?"

I merely grin at him and nod again, then turn around and wave to the public, and walk down the stage, unable to speak anymore.

…

But, I didn't wait by the stage.

I don't know why I feel this sudden urge to move, to go away, to get as far from there as possible. I walk through the crowd, wiping my tears with my hand and looking for a place where I can just be by myself and cry them in peace, without having to explain them to anyone. Because I can't even explain them to myself.

Of course, a place to be alone is a chimera in a festival full of people.

But there is one place I can go, a place I always like to go whenever I feel sad or lonely or hopeless; a place where for some reason, I always find comfort.

My tree.

It's not really my tree, I know that; it's everyone's tree, and I don't have any right to claim it as mine. I haven't even carved my name on it. But nonetheless, it's my tree. It reminds me of Mom, it reminds me of hope, it reminds me that there's magic in this world that makes some wishes come true.

Not my wishes, because I've always been too much of a coward to even ask for them. But that would have to change tonight.

Tonight, I have a promise to fulfill.

The tree is relatively away from the place where the stage and the crowd are, and that's perfect for what I need. But as I approach it, I notice there's someone already there, under the tree; in the place where I always go to sit.

It's a guy. A dark-haired, young guy who looks almost as if he has been rolled over by a freight train. He's sitting alone on the bench facing the tree, with his elbows on his knees and his forehead resting on his hands. He looks really miserable and lonely, and for some reason, I feel something strange revolve inside me when I see him. He seems to be having a worse time than I am.

Cautiously, I approach him. He doesn't notice me until I lean over and lay a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey… are you okay?"

Then he looks up at me, startled, and his eyes open wide and he stares at me almost as if he was seeing a ghost. He wears glasses, but behind them, his eyes are gray and somewhat misty, and they give me a really strange feeling in the back of my stomach, a feeling that for some reason I don't seem to understand.

Confused, I try to smile at him.

"I'm sorry, I startled you... I just saw you here, sitting like this, and I thought that maybe you weren't feeling too well. Do you need help?"

"No… I'm okay," he mumbles, and then he stares at me with attention for a moment, and his gaze suddenly turns more serious. "You're the one who doesn't seem to be feeling well," he says, pointing at my cheek.

I touch it, and realize it's still wet from the tears that I couldn't hold back just a moment ago.

"Oh… because of this?" I say, smiling, as I wipe them away. "It's... nothing. I'm alright, really. I don't even know why was I crying."

"You're the singer from that band… aren't you?" he asks, still staring at me with that strange look that gives me chills.

"Y-yes," I say, a bit surprised that he has recognized me. Because really, we are a small, almost unknown band after all.

"I saw you up there. You were... really good. But, shouldn't you be on the stage right now? Your band is still playing."

"Yes, but… I... I just couldn't sing anymore. I don't know why, it's actually really stupid, but… my eyes just filled up with tears, and I couldn't go on. Can you believe it? How very unprofessional."

I don't understand why I'm telling all this to this guy I don't even know; it's really unlike me, but for some reason I feel a bit comforted by talking to him.

"Is it okay… if I sit here?" I ask, cautiously.

"S-sure. I was leaving, anyway," he says, looking strangely uneasy as he starts to get up from the bench, apparently in a sudden rush to get away. But before I can even think what I'm doing, I find myself grasping his arm, as if to stop him.

"Wait," I say. "Don't go. Could you sit here with me… just for a moment?"

And then I realize what I'm doing, and I let go of his arm. I can feel my face turning tomato red.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean...! You must think I'm a weirdo."

He looks surprised and hesitates, and for a second I see a confused smile on his face, as if despite his previous melancholy, something about what I did was funny to him.

"It's okay," he says, but as he sits down again he looks away, still noticeably uneasy; although for a second before that I almost think I saw a glimpse of worry in his eyes.

So, I sit by his side on that bench, and I look up at the tree in front of me.

"T-thank you," I mutter, ashamed of my strange behavior, but at the same time glad that he wasn't crept out and agreed to stay for a moment there.

"Did something… happen to you?" he mutters, after a few seconds, not looking at me; his eyes also fixed on the tree in front of us.

"Actually… yes. A lot of things... But, I don't want to bring you down with my problems. You must have your own, or I wouldn't have found you sitting alone here, and looking so sad. Did you... come to make a wish to the tree?"

Why am I making conversation with this guy?

"No," he says.

He gives me a quick glance for a moment, and then, something even stranger stirs inside me.

"Hey," I say. "Do I know you from somewhere?"

He stares at me with a startled look in his eyes.

"No... that's impossible."

But there's something about him I just can't grasp, that seems... oddly familiar.

"Are you sure? Where did you go to school?"

He looks at me even more startled than before.

"In... England. I'm... not from around here."

"Oh…" I say, somewhat disappointed. "I see. Is this your first time in Japan?"

"Y-yes," he says.

"Well… your Japanese is impressive," I say, smiling at him. Being lonely and sad in a foreign country shouldn't be an easy thing to deal with. "Hey, cheer up! You're in luck. Tonight is the best possible night to be in Japan. Tonight is Tanabata. Do you know what it means?"

"It's a national festival," he says, cautiously.

"Yes, it is. But it's much more than just a festival. Tanabata is the luckiest night of the year; a night when miracles can happen and wishes come true."

"Really?"

"Yes. It comes from an old legend. Do you know it?"

He shakes his head no.

"Do you want me to tell you?"

"O-okay."

"It's about two star-crossed lovers; one of them was a weaver princess who wove clothes for the gods, and the other one was a cow herder from the other side of the sky. They were in love, but they became so engrossed in each other that they forgot about the rest of the world and neglected their duties. This enraged the God of the heavens, who punished them by placing them far away from each other, on opposite sides of the sky, with the Milky Way separating them like a river, and forbid them to meet for all eternity. But as the princess cried and cried in despair, eventually the God took pity on them, and allowed them to meet again, but under some conditions. It could only happen once a year, on the night of Tanabata; when, if the weather is good, a bridge of stars would be created for them in the sky, so they could cross and find each other. That's why it's also called the Star Festival."

I'm a bit surprised at myself; I don't know why do I keep talking to him, what do I care if this random guy is lonely or sad in Tanabata, or if he knows our customs or not. I don't understand why do I feel this strange ease around him, this disturbing familiarity that compels me to keep talking to him... but right now, I don't care. I feel better than I felt a while ago, and that's enough for me.

"I see… It's a beautiful story, but also… a rather sad one," he says. "These lovers you speak of… they're doomed. Even if they can briefly meet... they'll never be together."

"Yes... It's sad, every other night. But not tonight. Tonight is the night they can meet, remember? Tonight is the night their wish comes true. People believe there's wish-granting magic in this night, and so they write wishes in paper strips, and hang them from bamboo trees; and tonight they're supposed to come true. See why you're in luck? You're still in time. Even if you're a foreigner, you can ask for a wish too. I'll show you how. Do you have a piece of paper and a pen?"

"Wait… you mean, now?"

"Yes, now. That's why I came to this tree. I promised someone that I would ask for a wish tonight. But… I forgot all my things by the stage. I have nothing to write on."

Then, he searches through his pockets, and finally he gets a wrinkled napkin and a chewed-on, half pencil.

"This is all I have."

I laugh.

"It will have to do. So," I say, ripping the paper in two and giving him a half, "you write your wish on this one, and hang it from this tree. It's not a bamboo tree, but it's even better: it's a wish-granting tree. So, it's double magic; guaranteed to grant whatever wish you write on that paper."

"And you say… I can ask for anything?" he says, staring at me.

"Anything."

"And you promise it will come true."

"It's guaranteed," I say, smiling.

"Okay. I'll do it," he says, and starts writing something on his paper. "But I don't want you to look. It's a secret."

"Okay," I say, and I look away.

When he finishes, he hands me the pencil, and walks towards the tree, folding his shed of paper and hanging it among the many others that had been already hanged from it.

And as he does so, I just look at him for a moment, and once again, I feel something strange revolving inside me. As if a giant claw was gripping at my heart.

"Your turn," he says, staring at me and taking me by surprise.

"Y-yes."

I grab my piece of paper, and after thinking about it for a few moments, I scrawl a few words on it, fold it, and hang it from the tree.

"Done," I say, smiling.

Suddenly, we hear loud noises coming from above. I look up and laugh, merrily, for the first time in the entire day.

"Look!" I say, pointing at the sky. "The fireworks have started!"

"Fireworks?" he says.

"Yes! We have to go somewhere where we can see them, or we'll miss them! Come on!" I yell, and without even thinking about what I'm doing, I grab his wrist and run outside of the canopy of trees to a more clear area. He follows me, a little startled, and I lead him to the small bridge, where a bunch of people is already gathering to watch the fireworks. Then, for a few minutes, we just stand there, leaning against the handrail and looking up in awe.

And it's amazing. For a while, I forget about all of my problems, and just feel... happy.

But then...

"I see you're feeling better," he suddenly says, looking at me with a strange, bittersweet look in his eyes. "I have to go now. Thank you for showing me the fireworks… and for reminding me there's magic in this world. I hope your wish comes true," he says, pausing for a second, and I could swear I saw those eyes darkening a little, if only just for a moment. "Goodbye."

"Good... bye," I say, a bit perplexed by the way it all abruptly ended. He turns around and walks away quickly, and soon enough he disappears among the crowd. And I just stand there, on that small bridge full of people, with the fireworks still exploding above my head, that strange feeling still stirring in my stomach, and my eyes, suddenly, inexplicably, filling with tears again. Despite it being one of the warmest summer nights, I suddenly feel a chill.

And nothing about this makes sense. At all.

…

Takeshi finds me there a few minutes later, and scolds me plenty for not having waited by the stage. That is until he realizes I'm far away and not even listening, and then he starts worrying and asking questions. So, I put the mask on again, smile and assure him that I'm okay, that I'm just under some stress, because of my mother and everything. He understands. I mean, he understands that he has to shut up, and stop asking questions and just be there as a friend, and give support. Which makes everything more difficult by adding guilt to my already troubled mind, because I can't really tell him. I can't explain to him what had just happened to me, what had happened on the stage and now again, at the bridge. I can't explain to him this strange moment I had with a stranger whose name I don't even know, because damn it, I can't even explain these things to myself.

It's still early in the evening, and despite the festival is still going, the guys want to go somewhere else to celebrate our first big gig (which means, to go drink until they pass out), but I apologize to them and decline. I just want to go home, to be alone with my thoughts, to try to sort out my mind and if possible, understand this feeling of strangeness that has overcome me.

So I go home, and lock myself in my bedroom. I don't want to eat. I don't want to talk to anybody. I just lie on my bed, with my gaze lost in the sky I can see through my open window. It's still not too dark, and the first stars have just appeared, and some loose fireworks can still be seen from time to time. I watch them, shining from so far away, and I wonder whether my wish would come true tonight.

That is, until I hear my phone ringing.

I grab it almost indifferently, almost sure it's Takeshi calling me to insist that I join them in their beer fest. But when I look at the name appearing on the display, suddenly my heart jolts inside my chest. My fingers even tremble a little as I pick it up and put it to my ear.

"H-hello...? Sa… Sakura-chan?"

I hear a somewhat hesitant voice coming from the other side of the line.

"Hi... Tomoyo-chan… I know it's been long since we last talked… but, I just... I wanted to know how were you doing."

Any other day, I would have said okay. I would have said I'm fine, don't worry Sakura-chan, everything's fine, tell me how are you doing. But now…

Now…

"I'm… not okay, Sakura-chan. A lot has happened since you left… My mom is in the hospital... she's really sick, and I… I'm so scared and lonely. I have no one to share this with, and I… I miss you so much!"

"Your mom is sick?" she exclaims, her voice sounding more than a bit surprised. "How? What does she have? Why didn't you tell me about this before!?"

"I'm sorry," I say, as I feel the tears coming out from my eyes again, and sliding through my cheeks. "I didn't want to bother you with my problems. I told no one, really… I guess I'm just not used to… ask for help."

"Damn it, Tomoyo-chan. You should have told me. I would have come back home…"

"No, you need to stay there. With Li-kun. He needs you more than I do."

"He's okay. I'm okay. You're the one who's not okay, Tomoyo-chan… I wish you would have told me. I... I hate what we have become. I hate that you wouldn't trust me enough to tell me about the things that happen to you. You're still my best friend in the world… nothing is ever going to change that. You know that… right?"

That made even more tears fill my eyes; but even through them, a bittersweet smile was starting to form in my mouth.

"I... really didn't. Thank you for telling me, Sakura-chan. But… why did you call me just now? I can't believe this is just a coincidence."

"There's no such thing as coincidence, Tomoyo-chan," I hear her say. "There's only hitzusen."

That startles me. To hear her say that, suddenly, inexplicably, gives me the creeps.

"Sakura… what did you just say? Where did you get that from?"

"Well... it was a long time ago. Mizuki-sensei said it to me. It means that there is no... randomness. That everything that happens, happens for a reason."

"Mizuki… sensei…" I mutter, trying to remember her face and having a somewhat unsettling feeling, as if she was kind of... important, or something.

"Anyway… yes, there's a reason why I called you just now. I just received a message from a number I don't know, with no text... just a video. I thought it was some kind of virus thing and I was going to delete it, but then I saw you, tiny in the picture, so, I pressed play and watched it... and I... I didn't know that you had a band, Tomoyo-chan… and even less that you were going to sing at the Tanabata festival… It was amazing. I was really surprised. But then, at the end of that song... you stopped singing and suddenly ran from the stage. And the guitarist apologized to the public and said that you weren't feeling well… and I knew something was wrong."

"A… video?" I say, unable to get out of my shock. "I'm sorry, Sakura-chan. That must have been my mom. She must have told one of her employees to film me and then send you the video… She was really worried that you weren't here for me tonight."

"And wasn't she right? Now that I know how things are there… I think I will be going back home soon. At least for a while."

"What? Because… of me?" I mutter, even more perplexed than before. "Sakura, please, don't. You're in China for a reason. You need to stay there."

"Tomoyo... shut up," she says in a strange, decided tone; and it was effective, because suddenly I'm speechless. "You know what? I'm done listening to you. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately... and I realize I've been a pretty crappy friend to you in all these years. You were always there for me whenever I needed you, but I was never there for you in the same way. I never even knew of your problems, or your sorrows... I always assumed that you were some kind of better, enlightened person, who was just there to help others... I never saw the truth, that you were flawed just like everyone else, that you could be hurting, just like everyone else. I feel responsible... for all that happened. If I had been a little less self-centered and stupid, I could have noticed what you were going through... things might have been different. I feel really shitty because of that."

"Sakura, that... wasn't your fault. I'm the one who should feel guilty. I should have told you about what was happening to me, not... act on it when you were most vulnerable. I should have trusted you. I've destroyed our friendship, and I'm... so sorry. I just... couldn't share with you most of the things that troubled me, back then. But I promise... it's different now."

"Well... let's try to leave all that behind us, Tomoyo-chan. Nothing is destroyed; but from now on, things will have to change. We need to be honest with each other. I don't care if you think I don't want to hear it, you will tell me all that's happening to you, do you understand? You won't go through it alone. If our friendship is still worth anything to you, you'll have to start trusting me, like I always trusted you. And you'll let me help, and stop acting like the strong one. Okay?"

I can't help but smile in shock at this unexpected, new Sakura who talks to me like that.

"O-okay."

"So, I'm going home. I'll be there as soon as I can. I just need to pack and have a few things resolved, and get a flight… But maybe, with some luck, I can be there by tomorrow. Or the day after."

"But… what about Li-kun? Does he know what you're planning to do?"

"I've already talked to Syaoran... about everything. It wasn't easy, but... he understood. He felt guilty too, and he knows we probably wouldn't even be together if it wasn't for you. I'm not going to leave you alone with this. So... I'll be there tomorrow, if possible. Just hang in there... okay?"

"O-okay," I mutter, almost speechless. "Thank you… Sakura-chan."

"You're welcome," she says, in her usual, cheerful voice. "Goodbye, Tomoyo-chan. I'll see you soon."

I hear the click that ends the call, and I just drop back on my bed again, still unable to believe what just happened. I look at my window, at the sky that is slowly getting darker and filling with more shining stars, and as their twinkling light gets into my room and bathes it all in a silver glimmer, I smile and thank them. Even if this is not what I wished for… it's still a tiny miracle.

I close my eyes for a moment, and for the first time in many nights, I allow my mind to rest.

…

I wake up abruptly hours later, to the sound of pounding on my door.

"Miss Tomoyo! Miss Tomoyo, wake up please!" I hear the worried voice of one of the house employees.

I sit up, and for a second, my heart almost stops inside my chest. I look at the hour, and my clock says 3:15 AM. Why are they calling me at such an hour? Is this an emergency? Could it be... bad news from the hospital?

My blood freezes for a moment. But then, reason comes back to me and tells me that if that was the case, the doctors would have called me directly to my cell phone.

I start breathing again.

Anyway, this has to be quite serious if they're knocking at my door like that in the middle of the night. I get up from my bed, straighten my clothes and go answer the door.

It's the security guard who does the night shift at the front gate. Which puzzles me even more.

"What is it?" I ask him.

"Miss Tomoyo, I'm sorry to disturb you at this hour… But there's a person at the front gate who claims to know you, and appears quite desperate… She's making quite a racket, says she needs to talk to you right now, that there's some kind of emergency and that I needed to wake you up immediately or else something terrible would happen… She seems pretty disturbed, and I really don't know if I did well, but just in case… I think you should decide on this. Will you see this person? Or do you want me to send her away?"

A person, making a racket and calling for me at my front gate at 3 AM? As if this day hasn't been strange enough...

"Who is she?" I say, perplexed. "Did you get her name?"

"No, she wouldn't give it to me. It's a strange person, Miss Tomoyo. She's tall and broad-shouldered, almost like a man, but looks like a woman, and has long brown hair... and very unsettling eyes."

I am even more bewildered than before.

"I don't think I know anyone who fits that description."

"Then, I'll send her away. I'll call the police, if she insists on not leaving."

"No, wait… I'll go to the gate and see her. I want to know who she is, and what does she want. You can stay by my side, and call the cops if anything strange happens... okay?"

"Sure. Of course, Miss Tomoyo."

I walk to the front gate, through the entire yard, accompanied by the security guard. When I get closer to it, I see the strange person the guard has described to me: tall and broad-shouldered, with long brown hair, a pretty face and very unsettling eyes.

And I'm sure as hell I never saw her in my entire life before.

"Tomoyo!" she yells once she sees me. "Thank God. Please tell this dense asshole you have for a guard to let me in! I need to discuss something really serious with you!"

"I… I'm sorry," I mutter, confused at the familiarity with what she talks to me. "Do I know you?"

"What? What kind of a stupid question is that? Of course you know me! You stayed at my house for days! I made you pancakes!"

That puzzles me even more.

"Are you sure… you're talking to the right person? I think you might be confusing me with somebody else. I've never seen you before in my life."

"Oh, damn it, don't tell me the bastard brainwashed you. Fuck! This is perfect. Just perfect! I thought you two just fought or something. But you've actually forgotten me? Which means... you don't remember him either, do you?"

"Who? I… I really don't know what you're talking about. I think you're confused. I'm sorry... I wish I could help you. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

She just grunts in frustration.

"Tomoyo," she says, clutching the bars from the gate and fixing her eyes on me, and I step backwards, a little startled. "Tomoyo, listen to me. We know each other, okay? You have forgotten, but you must trust me on this! Something really bad is about to happen… he's about to do something terrible… and I think you're the only one who can stop him. He's in danger. Please, you have to remember! I know what he did to you, but you have to be stronger than that! Please! You're my last hope! I have no one else to turn to!"

"Miss Tomoyo…" the security guard says, standing in front of me. "Stand back. You should go inside the house. This person seems very disturbed; she might be carrying weapons. I will call the cops."

"Weapons? What would I need weapons for, you jackass! Tomoyo, please, listen to me! Open the gate and I'll explain everything. Please!"

"I… I think you need help," I say, shocked and befuddled by the bizarre scene that is happening in front of me. "Medical help, maybe. But please… I need you to go away. You're making my employees nervous. I can call you an ambulance if you want.'"

"Fuck the ambulance!" she yells then, grasping and shaking the gate bars, and I perceive a dangerous glimmer in her eyes. "You have to come with me now! We don't have time for this shit! He's going to die, dammit!"

"Miss Tomoyo, I'm calling the cops! Get inside the house, now!" the guard yells. I step back, shocked and afraid, and after a moment of hesitation I turn around and start walking fast towards the house door, almost running.

"Tomoyo, wait!" the voice of that strange person sounds at my back. "I gave you a dress! A white dress! You must still have it! Look for it!"

Once inside, I lean against a wall, trying to get my heart back to something closer to a normal rhythm. Then, I stare through the window, and notice that she's gone, and the guard is quickly walking back towards the house.

"I'm sorry, Miss Tomoyo…" he says, as he opens the door. "I shouldn't have woken you up for this. This person was clearly deranged, it could have been dangerous. She's gone now. Should I call the cops anyway? Do you want to report this?"

"No… it's okay," I say. "Just… keep your eyes open."

"If I see her prowling around again I will call the cops immediately. And I think you should go outside with a bodyguard for a few days… just in case."

"I... I don't think that would be necessary. As you said, it was just a deranged person. I don't think she was really dangerous."

"You don't know that, Miss Tomoyo."

"Well, don't worry about it. I'll decide on it tomorrow. That'll be all for now. Thank you for protecting me."

"Of course, Miss Tomoyo. You're welcome."

As soon as I dismiss him, I think about going to the kitchen and making myself some herbal tea to calm down the nerves this whole scene had roused in me. I can still feel my legs trembling, and my heart pounding like a wild horse inside my chest. But then, I remember the strange thing this clearly deranged person yelled at me as I ran into the house, and despite myself, despite reason, despite everything… I decide tea would have to wait. Without thinking, I just walk back to my bedroom. I stand before my wardrobe door, hesitating for a minute... and then, I open it.

And… there it is.

Behind lots of other clothes, almost hidden in a corner of my huge closet.

A dress.

A lovely, beautiful white dress. A dress I don't know. I dress I didn't buy, nor remember anyone ever giving to me.

A dress I have no idea of how it came to be in my wardrobe.

Hesitantly, with my heart pounding even faster, I take it out. I touch it, I run my fingers through the white, soft, inexplicable fabric; I look at it with hallucinated eyes, like bewitched. Feeling like I'm inside some kind of strange, surrealistic movie, I hold it against my body. It seems to fit me.

I understand there's only one thing I can do.

Without thinking, like moved by some kind of dark instinct, I start to undo the laces of the red yukata-styled dress I'm still wearing from the festival, until the whole silky thing slides down to the floor, and I'm standing there, barefoot, in my underwear, in front of the mirror, with that white dress in my hands.

And then, with my heart pounding inside my chest and feeling my entire body tremble, I put on that white, delicate, mysterious dress. I feel it slide through my arms, my shoulders, my chest, my hips. I feel it caressing my legs as I zipper it up. And then, I look at myself in the mirror.

And dread explodes inside my chest.

Because this isn't the first time I've seen this reflection.

This isn't the first time I've worn this dress.

It's only a moment, but I just know, as a dreadful feeling spreads through my skin, that somehow the Tomoyo staring back at me from the mirror is one I've seen before. Is one I know. Is one I've been.

Who is she?

But then as I try to remember, the pain appears, a pain in my head, just like the one I have every morning after I have the dreams, but now so excruciating that I fall to my knees on the floor and scream. As if a giant harpy claw had grasped my skull and was digging its nails on it; and I can barely breathe, I can barely think, but I can't let it win, I can't let it stop me from...

Who is that Tomoyo?

Who?

I'm on the floor screaming and grasping my head, almost ripping my hair out from it, when in the middle of that agonizing pain, I start seeing flashes.

Flashes of a different life. Of a different Tomoyo, one I was once maybe, and just forgotten. Of a Tomoyo who wore that dress, and looked into a mirror with eyes full of expectant hope. Of a Tomoyo who stood in a music room wearing that dress and sang, and felt so, so happy. Of gray eyes, glimmering eyes staring at the Tomoyo in that dress; of warm hands touching me through it, slowly, unzipping it, taking it off; and the eyes again, gray eyes looking at me, and that Tomoyo was me, and that dress was my dress, and I knew the clearly deranged person who gave it to me, and I knew those gray eyes that looked at me in it...

The guy from the park. Those were his eyes. The guy I just met a few hours earlier!

No.

No, no, no, this can't be real!

Am I losing my mind?

The flashes keep appearing in my head, but they can't be true, they can't be real things that actually happened. They have to be delusions! This has to have a logical explanation. It's an elaborate plan to kidnap me or something; someone from my staff slipped that dress into my wardrobe. The fabric has some hallucinogenic drug in it, and I must have absorbed it through my skin when I put it on. Even if it sounds ridiculous, it has to be something like that. The Tomoyo from the flashes can't be me. It can't be. That would be madness!

Then, more flashes come.

A bar. A very drunk me, throwing up in the street. Waking up in an unknown room. A strange talk. A storm. The guy with the gray eyes playing the piano. Me walking through a dark corridor, looking for a door. Waking up with him by my side. Crying in his arms. Embracing him in a misty bathroom. Dancing to a jazz song. Waking up by his side again, both of us naked; a lot of being naked together. The way his skin felt on mine. The bar again, and then a freaky nightclub. Tokyo Tower. Fireworks. Sunrise at Tsukimine Temple. Tears start streaming down my face. A corridor. A dagger. Blood. A big library. A kiss among tears. A feeling of hopelessness, and then… Nothing. Nothing, a big gap of nothing, a world of nothingness, of emptiness, until today. Until today. Tonight. The night when wishes come true. Penguin Park. Him, sitting by the tree. My tree.

My tree!

Suddenly, I know there's only one thing I can do, to prove any of this is real, and not a hallucination from my -possibly- drugged mind.

The park. I need to get to the park.

Dizzy, with difficulty, I get up from the floor, put on some sneakers and walk out of my room. The pain in my head has receded a little and I'm able to think again. Kind of. I walk out of my huge house and into the huge garage, and somewhere in the middle of that my stumbling walking becomes steadier and turns into almost running. I get into the first car I find from the many my mother has, and I drive it to the gate, where the same security guard from before asks me very surprised what on Earth am I doing, and if I'm okay, and I just tell him to shut up and let me pass, all courtesy forgotten.

The pain in my head has almost entirely disappeared, but now something else hurts terribly. Inside my chest. In that place where for such a long time, there was nothing but a giant void. My heart is jumping inside like a crazed bird, as I drive recklessly through desolate streets, and I'm like a drunk, hypnotized person, with only one thing on my mind.

The park. I need to get to the park!

Finally, I get there, and I get down from the car fast and start running towards the tree, which is a good two hundred meters away from the parking lot, almost hidden by the trees at the center of the park, a park that still shows some remains of the festival, with a few groups of drunk, strange-looking people still hanging out here and there.

But none of them must look as strange as I do, in a white party dress and sneakers, with smudged mascara all over my face, running and stumbling through the park towards a tree.

I don't give a shit. I just run, until finally, I get there.

My tree.

Luckily, there's no one around. I stop for a moment and lean against it, gasping and trying to catch my breath.

And then, I look at it. I mean, I really look at it. I look through its marked bark as if it was a sacred scripture, and there was some transcendental message hidden for me in there, just waiting to be deciphered. I look through it to see if I can find those markings that I know, shouldn't be there; half expecting, half dreading to not find them, to realize all of this was just a fantasy, an elaborate delusion... and confirm I'm having some sort of psychotic break and really losing my mind.

It takes a while, because there are so many carvings on it, and I'm starting to become desperate, when suddenly...

The markings.

They're here!

I don't know if I should feel glad or not for it, I don't know what to feel anymore; I just burst into tears as I touch them, as I run my fingers through the now opaque, almost hidden markings that I've seen shining one day, not so long ago.

It's my name. And some other name next to it.

Eriol.

Eriol!

His name is Eriol, damn it! The guy with the glasses and the gray eyes. The guy I met at this park, at this very spot, a few hours earlier. Only I didn't really meet him today, at this park.

Eriol!

How could I have forgotten?

Even if he wanted me to forget, how could I? Why wasn't I stronger? I failed him. I swore I wouldn't forget his name, not ever, not as long as I lived. I promised him, in that big library, among those many books with so many names on them. He said it didn't matter. Names didn't matter. But they do, dammit, they do matter!

How could I forget his?

Suddenly, I remember something else. Today. At the tree. He wrote a wish and hung it from this tree, because I asked him to.

A wish.

Wasn't all this mess caused by a wish he asked?

Don't look, he said. It's a secret.

Well, fuck it! I will look if I want to. I'm done with your secrets, Eriol Hiiragizawa. I need to know what you wished for.

I look for the piece of paper, which is a rather difficult thing to do, because there are so many of them. But finally, I find it. A wrinkly, folded piece of a napkin.

I open it. And then I just stare at it, blinking idiotically, as my eyes pass through the words over and over again, and I almost can't believe what I'm seeing. Because it's so plain, so simple, so stupid, so unlike anything I've expected… and yet it hits me in the chest like a punch nonetheless. I feel my eyes welling up with tears again.

.

I want you to be happy.

.

Damn you, Eriol Hiiragizawa.

Damn you to oblivion and back. Damn you for all eternity. How dare you ask for such a thing? You, who gave me the most amazing memories ever, and then took them away from me, to protect me or whatever other idiotic reason you came up with. You, who condemned me to live for months with a void in my chest, with an entire part of me lost, forgotten, and not understanding why I felt like a half-dead person. Damn you! I should hate you for this. I should hate you and curse you to hell.

But, I can't hate you.

Because, damn it… I fucking love you.

Why did you wish for something like this? Why didn't you wish to fix things? To overcome your destiny? To have me back?

And then, as more tears fall from my eyes and moisten the paper in my hands, I realize something else. Something that freezes my blood and puts my heart on hold for a second.

Nakuru. At my gate. Tonight.

Desperate.

Tomoyo... Something really bad is about to happen… he's about to do something terrible… and I think you're the only one who can stop him. He's in danger!

Oh, God.

What the hell have you done, you idiot?

I look at the paper I hold in my trembling hands again, and suddenly I realize this might not be just a silly wish. It might be significant. It might be...

Thank you for showing me the fireworks… and for reminding me there's magic in this world. I hope your wish comes true.

Goodbye.

In a moment of dreadful lucidity, I realize what happened, a few hours earlier, by that tree. Dread spreads through my veins as I fold the paper back and hide it inside my bra, and before I can even think what I'm doing, I'm running towards my car again, my cheeks burning under the tears, and desperation in my chest starting to become a very real, tangible thing.

What are you planning to do, you dumbass?

Are you going to die on me? To leave me, again?

No, no, no. I won't let you. I don't care about your stupid prophecies.

I'm not done with you yet, dammit!

I get into the car again, start it, and drive insanely to the only place I can think of going.

Without the slightest idea of what will I do once I get there.

...

---

Author's Notes

Well, hello again to all my dear readers, if any of you are still there after such a long time.

I'm sorry it took me so long to update. This was the longest chapter I've ever written and I couldn't find a way to cut it in half and still like it. There was a lot that had to happen, and it had to happen all here. Actually, I left a few things out and they're going to be in the next chapter. But I promise, the next chapters are NOT going to be this long!

So, Tomoyo's and Nakuru's POV are back. I hope you're happy with this, as some of you asked me for this; although I have to admit I did it because it would be impossible at this point to continue telling the story just from Eriol's POV.

Well, I can't keep writing, I've been reading and correcting this thing for almost 7 hours, and I don't even know what I'm typing anymore. If you still find any errors (which you will), don't worry, I will attempt to fix them later when letters are no longer dancing in front of my eyes. I just wanted to upload the damn thing already, because, you know, Procrastination is my middle name. And my last name. Actually, it's all of my names.

As always, I'll be most happy to read your comments, opinions, constructive criticism, etc! All of your thoughts are very welcome! (also, I'm very curious to know if any of my old readers are still reading me... If not, it's my fault for making you wait so much, but still, it'll be nice to know!)

Thank you for reading all this, now go and give your undoubtedly sore eyes some rest. See you in next chap!