One life

by Nessa Yavetil

When you are a powerful mage who reincarnates after every death, you learn to come to terms with love and loss. You learn to enjoy things while they last. But, what happens when you fall for someone who makes you believe you could change your destiny? (Sequel to "Do you remember love?" READ THAT ONE FIRST!)

6. Gift

6. Gift

---

This is my final fit
My final bellyache
With no alarms and no surprises
Please.

(Radiohead – No Surprises)

---

…

Are you... happy now?

.

No... this is definitely wrong. What am I trying to do here? It sounds about right, but still... somewhat cold, somewhat… soulless. Like I'm not even here; like if this was being played by a robot or a machine.

Why can't I get it right? Why is my mind wandering so much today?

And today, of all days.

No. I can't afford to waste any more time thinking about it. I need to get this right, now.

Start over.

.

I said… are you happy now... Clow?

.

Damn. This is getting annoying.

"I told you…" I say, not rising my eyes from the music score to look at the face that I know, I would see in front of me, in the giant mirror at the center of my music room, if I bothered myself enough to look up. Which I won't do, because this composition is hard enough as it is, and also… because, it just bugs me. It bugs me and it irritates me that she would keep showing up, over and over again, when I want to be left alone; intruding in these private moments when it's just me and the music; the only breaks I allow myself to have, the only times I get to escape from reality a little. "Don't call me that."

.

Why not?

.

The voice sounds distant and eerie, as if it was coming from someplace far beyond the mirror, far beyond the walls. Beyond space and time, even.

Maybe… the afterlife?

"Because I don't like it," I grunt. "I'm not him. Your insistence on the subject is becoming rather annoying."

.

You're Clow… You're not Clow… Does it really matter? It's just a name. In the end, the only things that matter are the things we do. So, tell me... what are you doing?

.

Damn. It sounded wrong again.

Start over.

"Apparently, trying to play the piano while descending into madness... or something along those lines."

Shit, it's the tempo. That's what's wrong here. It's too fast. I have to slow it down, or I'll miss the entire meaning of this piece. It's not supposed to be a maddening sprint through hell; it's more like a slow-paced, almost resigned, nonchalant walk.

Through hell.

There's a veiled laugh from beyond the mirror.

.

Sure, but, besides that... plots and deception… that's what you're doing. That's what you've always done. Mind-wipes, lies, manipulation... hiding from the few ones who actually care about you... and scheming, of course. You're not quite yourself if you're not scheming a little bit... are you?

.

A long, tired sigh escapes from my mouth.

"So? What do you care? You're nothing. You're not even here. You can't be. You're just a shadow, an echo from the past... a voice in my head."

.

Am I? But, then again... what if I am? Even if I'm just an echo, a ghost, a shadow created by magic... or a product of your deteriorating mind... does it matter? Does it make me less right? Does it make you any less of a fool? I'm disappointed, Clow... I expected you to do things differently in this life, but, maybe you're just too old… too jaded to be able to change. I warned you about the same things back then, but you wouldn't listen. Will you listen to me now? Because if I'm here, in any form, it's because you need me. You need to hear what I have to say.

.

Okay, it was starting to really get on my nerves, like one of those mosquitoes who start buzzing at your ear on those hot summer nights, just when you're about to fall asleep, and drag you out of it; and then you can't ever find when you turn on the lights, but comes right back again the moment you turn the lights off, rest your head on the pillow again and start convincing yourself that it's gone.

"Okay then... speak. Be quick about it, and then please go and do something more useful with your afterlife, if that's what this is. And if not, then please be kind enough to vanish, or to plunge deeper into my subconscious, so I won't have to hear you anymore. Don't make me do an exorcism, please... or even worse, visit a shrink."

A laugh that is almost a snort comes back from the mirror and into my ear.

Yes. Just like a mosquito.

.

You're still funny, in a sad kind of way. You talk exactly like you did back then… the same sarcastic responses… the same haughtiness… the same condescending tone… and yet, somehow, you're still trying to convince yourself that you're not him.

.

I sigh again.

"The only thing I'm trying to convince myself, is that I can play this unbelievably difficult piece correctly before the day is over. But some quiet, alone time with no interruptions seems to be a little too much to ask for, lately."

Shit. Now it's too slow. The power of the piece is lost completely. Now it's just mild and boring. Damn it. Maybe… this was not meant to be an even ride. Maybe the keyword here is variability.

Again.

"What do you want?" I ask, starting to run out of patience. "Did you want to say something to me? Or are you here just to haunt me?"

Another bitter laugh comes from the mirror.

.

It's cute, the way you seem to think you're such a delightful man, to make a woman spend her afterlife haunting you. But no, that's not why I'm here. I'm here to warn you. I know what you're trying to do. I came to tell you to stop. It's not going to work, and you'll risk making things worse. You know fate can't be changed... and yours was already written and signed with blood, the moment we made that pact; and accepted by you all over again when you came back to Japan, when you decided you just couldn't let go of that girl. Now it's too late to get out. No matter what elaborate plot you're trying to pull… it won't work. A circle can only close. You can't change fate, and if you insist you'll only end up making things worse, and dragging more people into it. Innocents will suffer again, and this time I won't be there to help you fix it.

.

"And what about her?! Isn't she innocent too? Why does she have to suffer?" God, this time, it's more than a slight tempo issue. I played the wrong note. I played the wrong damn note! I groan, irritated. She was rubbing me the wrong way. "Look... I'm not trying to escape. I know my fate; I've accepted it. What I can't accept is the price. It's too high. I... can't pay it."

.

I'm sorry... but that's not up to you anymore, Clow.

.

"Yes, it is! It's my fucking destiny, for God's sake, why won't I be able to say something about it?! I'm not even trying to change it! All I'm trying to do is find a way in which nobody would have to suffer because of it. And I think I've found it. It's kind of risky... but it might work, and no one should have to suffer, no one should have to pay... but me."

.

Is that what you've been telling yourself? But that's also what you told yourself before, and yet... they suffered. They paid. No matter what you do, they always end up paying... don't they? Clow, listen to me, even if only this once. Whatever you're planning on doing... it's going to fail. You know it's going to fail. You've already seen what's going to happen… and you know it's hitzusen, therefore, can't be changed. So… why fight it? You wished for this, you worked to make it happen. Stop behaving like a child throwing a tantrum because he threw a stone into a lake, and now can't control the waves it made. You know you can't stop them; but if you keep throwing stones at it, they will grow bigger... and more and more chaotic. Given the current scenario... that's too big a risk.

.

"Spare me the lecture, dear. I know all about my wishes, my choices, and the risks. I was him, remember? But, this time it will be different. I'm not him anymore... not quite. I've changed, even if only a little... I have a different wish, and I trust I'll be able to make different choices. Also... there is one way in which I should be able to stop the waves from growing bigger, if I really wanted them to. I could destroy the lake," I say.

There. Right notes, right pressure, right tempo. This sounds better, way better. Almost right. I feel almost comfortable again; I'm more relaxed, I'm not struggling with the keys anymore, and it's starting to sound the way it should, but… it's still not entirely right. There's still something missing, and it pisses me to no end that I can't figure…

Why can't I figure it out?

.

Destroy the lake? Are you listening to yourself? God... and you're still trying to convince yourself that you're not him? You sound more like him than ever! You really think that you love her? That you're doing this for her? For some noble reason? Wake up, Clow! You still don't know what love is. You're not humble enough to love. Deep down… you're still doing this for yourself. You just want to prove that you're stronger, more clever than your old self was. That you can outsmart him, and break free from the circle… accomplish what he couldn't. But you're not smarter, and you will fail, again, and others will suffer because of it, again. I just hope that you won't cause as much damage as you did back then, when you fall like the arrogant fool that you are.

.

What?

Frustrated and angered, I hit the keys all of a sudden with both hands, making a horrible noise and ending any resemblance of a melody, and finally rising my head and looking up to the place where the mirror is.

"What the f-?" I yell.

But the face I find in front of me is not the one I expected to see.

"Hey! I was just asking you if you were okay! What's wrong with you? Why are you yelling at me now?"

I glance quickly towards the mirror, but I see no one there; just two brown, big, very real and very pissed-off eyes, right in front of me. Startled by the unexpected turn of events, my hands go still over the piano keys. My very sore hands, as I realize now that I've allowed them to relax for a moment.

How long have I actually been playing?

"I… I'm sorry, Nakuru," I say, forcing myself to offer an apologetic smile to my guardian. "I didn't mean to yell at you. I… didn't even notice that you were here. I guess I might have been a little too much in the zone."

"In the zone?" she retorts. "No, you weren't in the zone. You reached the zone, and you passed the zone hours ago, Eriol. The zone is so far away now you can't even see it anymore. Now you're just… zoning out. Playing like a demented person, with eyes vacant and lost, talking to yourself… you scared me shitless!"

"I'm sorry," I say, maybe a little too mechanically; realizing that all I want is for this interruption to be over as quickly as possible, and return to my music. "I didn't mean to scare you. But I assure you, I'm alright."

"Eriol, what part of zoning out, vacant-eyed, talking-to-yourself did you not understand? That's not alright, that's the epitome of crazy! Even your piano sounded weird… eerie. It was really disturbing… hearing you play just now."

"You noticed that too? I know… it sounded all wrong. I don't know what it is… I can't seem to get it right."

"That's what you're worrying about? Not all the crazy stuff I just told you you were doing, but getting your anthem of death here to sound better? Can you not see the wrongness of it, Eriol? You need to stop. You're becoming obsessed. Look, I understand how you feel, but…"

"Do you? Do you understand, Nakuru?" I say, staring at her; and perhaps it sounds a bit more tempestuous than I want it to, because she just stares back at me, a little taken aback.

"Well, yes," she says. "You miss her."

"That's not what this is about, but even if it was, how would you even know what that feels like? Have you ever missed anyone?" I say. "Have you ever lost someone who was dear to you? Have you?"

I realize I'm quickly running out of patience, and my words are sounding harsher than I intend them to. Maybe it was because of my previous argument with that annoying voice from the mirror (did that even happen?), or my frustration about not being able to play that goddamned song correctly; or, also equally likely… because of sleep deprivation.

When was the last time I slept…?

"Oh, I see..." she says, looking hurt. "Since I'm not human, I can't pretend to understand human emotions… is that right? It would be a blasphemy… for a creature like me, to try to understand the complex feelings of its creator. Is that what you're trying to tell me?"

"No. I'm sorry, Nakuru," I say, sighing, as I try to resume my playing. "That's not what I meant."

"Yes, it was. But I don't care. You know… maybe you're right. Maybe a simple magical creature like me can't really understand what you're feeling. But I do understand something. If you keep this up, you'll end up sick… or worse. And if I allowed that to happen, that would make me a very lousy guardian, wouldn't it? So… I want you to give this damned piano a rest and go outside with me and Suppy. Get out of the house for a while, breathe some fresh air, see some people… eat something. There's a festival today at Penguin Park, and we're going. We want you to come with us. That's what I came here to tell you, before you yelled at me, and acted all rude and crazy."

"I'm sorry… Nakuru. I didn't mean to be rude. Your plan sounds like fun, but… I'm not really in the mood for going out now. And even less to a festival full of people."

"Well, get in the mood!" she snaps. "Eriol… Suppy and I are really worried about you. You haven't eaten anything since yesterday, after you came back from that walk. I don't even want to know what happened to you on it, if anything, but… you came back weird. I mean, weirder. You didn't eat dinner, you didn't have breakfast this morning, nor lunch… You haven't done anything at all, but play this piano ever since. You didn't even go to sleep last night! Yes, I noticed! It's almost been an entire day. Eriol... this is getting ridiculous. I know playing makes you feel better, but…"

"No, Nakuru… you don't understand. I don't play the piano because it makes me feel better. It doesn't make me feel better at all."

"Then… why are you doing it?"

Why, indeed.

I sigh.

"Because… it makes me feel… like me. It's the only thing I have that is truly mine; the only thing that makes me be Eriol Hiiragizawa, and not… you know... him. It's the only thing that makes me feel somewhat normal."

"But, Eriol… playing for almost twenty-four hours straight is not normal! It's the opposite of normal! Please… I beg you, come to the festival with us. Get some fresh air, eat something, stretch your legs a bit… and then come home and get some sleep. You can keep playing tomorrow, if you wish to."

"No. Tomorrow… will be no good. I have to do this today. I need to get this right. So please, let me be. You don't have to concern yourself with me. I'll be fine. Just go to the festival with Suppy, and have a good time."

I start playing again, when suddenly a violent, angry fist came down over the piano lid, making a great deal of noise, startling me and possibly making all the keys out of tune. I look up again, a bit shocked, and the eyes I have to face are almost sparkling in anger.

"Always the same self-centered, selfish man! You don't care about us, do you? You just keep on doing whatever you please, always following your whims, never stopping for a moment to consider there might be other people worrying about you! Alright, Suppy and I might not be technically people, but we care, you know? How can we be good guardians if you don't let us take care of you?"

I am speechless. I certainly wasn't expecting this outburst from one of my creatures.

"Nakuru… I think you're taking this whole guardian-creator thing way too seriously. You know you don't really have to protect me, right? I can take care of myself. I've always had. You don't really have to do anything for me."

"Then, why did you create us?!"

Once again, I'm speechless.

"I… I'm sorry. You're right. I've been selfish and unfair to you… to both of you. I brought you into this world, but I never really gave you a purpose. You are tied to me by magic, bound to my will almost as if you were slaves… and what for? I give nothing back to you in return... not even a sense of accomplishment. I've just been using you two as a surrogate family, to not feel so lonely. I'm a jerk… really. I sit on this piano for hours and hours, trying to feel I'm different, trying to feel I'm my own person… but in truth, I'm not that different from him… am I? I just keep making the same mistakes… over and over again."

I try to sound apologetic and gentle, but I realize my words just came out blunt and hurtful, because as soon as I've said them I start seeing her eyes filling with tears.

"What… are you saying? You mean that you regret having created us? That it was a mistake?" she muttered. "I know… we can't ever be a real family to you, Suppy and me, but... we are happy if we can be your surrogate one. If we can make you feel less lonely… then we have a purpose. You're not forcing us; we want to be here for you, Eriol... and you are different from him. I know you are. You wouldn't abandon us… like he did to his guardians… would you?"

She stares at me for a moment, and for a second I see something in her eyes, a gleam of fear or anxiety… and suddenly, I feel my chest filling with guilt.

"Would you…?" she repeats, looking at me expectantly.

I can't hold her gaze, so I just look down and sigh.

"Forgive me… I shouldn't have said those things. I'm not really myself today. I've hurt you, and I'm making you worry so much... Please, forget everything I've said, and don't worry about it anymore. The truth is… I'm really lucky to have you and Suppy. It doesn't matter to me that you're not human, or real blood family; you're the ones who are always here for me, and my life is so much better because of you. I'll never be able to thank you enough for that. But, I don't want to see you upset like this because of me. I'll tell you what: I've changed my mind. To hell with this song, I'll just go with you and Suppy to that festival, and do whatever you want. We'll play games at the stalls, watch the awful performances, eat greasy food from the vendors… anything you want, just like we used to do in the old times. What do you say?"

Her face lightens up almost immediately, and she smiles, although she still looks a bit cautious.

"Alright... But it's not enough. I also want you to promise me that whatever this... craziness is, it will stop. Promise me that you will try to do something with your life, something other than spending your days locked in the study or by the piano, forgetting to eat and to sleep… I want you to promise me that you'll try to get yourself back, and that if you're ever confused about who that is, you'll remember it's Eriol… not Clow. And if you're ever doubtful about what to do… you'll just do the opposite of whatever he would do. Promise me that… and then I'll calm down."

I'm a bit surprised by this unexpected, passionate demand from my guardian; especially the last part of it, but in some way… it feels right, and even comforting, to give her the answer she wants to hear and know that I'm not entirely lying to her; that in some odd, twisted way, I could still live up to all of those promises.

"Okay," I say. "I promise."

She stares at me, still a little distrustful.

"And you'll come to the festival with us, and do whatever we want for fun while we're there."

"Okay. You'll have me all to yourselves for the rest of the afternoon. Is that good enough? Are you happy now?"

Her smile widens, and soon she starts gesturing and jumping around like an excited child.

"Yes! Finally, you're going to spend some quality time with us, like we used to! I'm so happy! Oh, and I have this beautiful pink yukata I wanted to wear for like ages! You know, maybe we'll run into Tsukishirou-kun and Touya-kun there, and when they see me all dressed up and pretty, with my handsome master by my side, they'll just die of jealousy! I'll show Yue who got the better one, and Touya will not be able to keep his eyes from me! You don't mind if I use you to make Touya jealous, right?" I chuckle, and shake my head no. "Great. But you need to look a whole lot better than this for that to work. I guess we can't do much about the paleness and the dark circles under your eyes, but… at least go take a shower, put on some fresh clothes, and shave, for God's sake! You look like a hobo right now, and that won't make anyone jealous. Oh, I'm so excited! This festival is going to be awesome! You'll see!"

Strangely, I feel a lot better when I hear all her enthusiastic chatter and see her giddy like that, and a smile appears on my face. It's a strange feeling, a gladness that mixes with sadness and guilt; because I know she's buying a happiness that won't last very long, that will dissolve like a spoon of sugar in a cup of sour tea… but, isn't that exactly what happiness is, anyway? Isn't it just moments, little isles of joy in a vast ocean of despair, as beautiful but just as ephemeral as the lights of fireworks? Then, if all I can do for my guardians is to give them that; one happy moment, one last happy isle before the raging sea swallows everything down… how could I not do it?

I can't think of a better way to spend my last hours alive.

"So… what's this festival about, anyway?" I say.

She stares at me very seriously.

"Are you kidding me? You don't know what day is today? The most important festival of the year?" she makes an exasperated gesture. "It's Tanabata, you dumbass."

Oh. Of course. Tanabata.

How fitting. The night when wishes come true.

Will my wish come true tonight?

And if so... which one?

Because... I no longer have only one.

…

So, here I am in this afternoon, spending what could presumably be my last hours on Earth in a way I could never have imagined or predicted before: surrounded by a sweaty human crowd, being pushed around, eating fried things on sticks that made my hands all greasy, waiting in long lines for a chance to catch a goldfish in a thin, breakable net; all of that while hearing awful pop covers poorly played in the background. And yet, to see my guardians so happy; especially Nakuru, so lit up and smiling so much, makes me feel it's all worth it. I even find some kind of perverse contentment in the thought that, if things go like I've planned tonight, this will be the last time I'll ever have to endure any of these things… and that somehow makes them a little less awful. Actually, it makes them almost… enjoyable.

Everything tends to feel somewhat beautiful and nostalgic, even things you don't usually like, when you realize you might be doing them for the last time.

And that's the strange, bittersweet kind of mood I'm immersed in, when suddenly I notice that there's something in this festival that I actually can enjoy; something that would have been beautiful and nostalgic even if it wasn't the last chance I have to experience it. Something I wasn't expecting, and that takes me right out of that melancholic train of thinking.

A song.

It suddenly comes to my ears; a song that doesn't sound nearly as bad as the rest, that actually sounds pretty good; and suddenly, I realize why. And I freeze.

The water-filled bag I have in my hand with the fish in it falls to the ground, and it would have been the end of the poor creature, were the bag not sealed with a tight knot.

I raise my eyes towards the stage, and I feel as if all breath has left me.

It's her. Up there, all raging and beautiful, her cheeks flushed, holding a microphone in her short, red yukata-styled dress. Her, and everything else suddenly stops mattering anymore.

"Wait a second… Eriol… is that…?" Nakuru yells by my side almost hysterically, pointing towards the platform. "Is that Tomoyo on the stage? What is she doing there?"

"I… don't know," I barely manage to mutter.

"You know... we don't have to stay here," she says, a slightly alarmed look showing on her face. "There's a movie theater right across the street that..."

"No," I mutter, still not out of my shock. "We'll stay. You wanted to come to this festival, didn't you? So, let's get closer… to see better."

"But, Eriol… won't that make you feel worse?"

"No. Maybe. I don't know. It doesn't matter. I want to see her," I mutter, and not waiting for my guardians, I start walking towards the stage.

Soon, I get lost among the rampant human mass that surrounds the stage. It's the first time ever her band plays in a place like this, at a festival, and for so many people, so I can just imagine how nervous she is. But it sounds great, just like always, and like always, as soon as I hear her… I'm completely entranced.

It's like an unforeseen, amazing gift life has decided to give me; a last chance to see her like this, to hear her before I go out like a flame in the warm summer breeze, and I can't be astonished enough, thankful enough. I feel as if I'm inside a dream of some kind; to see her there as the sunset is starting to fall, and the paper lamps around us are starting to be lit, and sakura petals are falling all around us, everywhere; and her sweet, amazing voice filling my ears and the air and all my senses, making me unable to see anything else, hear anything else; and for some moments I feel as if she's singing just for me, as if her voice surrounds me and embraces me and it's the world giving me the sweetest, most beautiful goodbye ever… and I would have missed it, all of it, if I hadn't felt guilty about my guardians and came here against my wishes.

It's something to think about, really.

The show seems to be going pretty well; all of the songs they play are famous rock covers and people seem really excited with their repertoire, singing along and jumping about and cheering and whistling. The band sounds really great; they put a lot of energy into the songs, and she… she's just breathtaking.

Her performance is flawless as always; only this time it sounds and looks a bit different, more intense, more meaningful if possible; as if something really important, her own life maybe, depended on how she does on the stage, of some secret message passing across through the crowd. Just to hear her gives me goosebumps; and it's even worse when, after a while, a different kind of song starts. It's a ballad, but not just any ballad, and not exactly a known one either. I see her flushed; a mixture of pride and embarrassment on her face as she explains to the audience that this song is hers… that it's the first song she's ever written. I just hold my breath in expectation; I don't know what is going to happen next, but I'm sure it will be sweet and painful and it will come back to punch me in the face.

I just don't know how hard.

She starts singing, and it's everything I'd imagine it would be and more; shaken and amateur, but beautiful, so beautiful and also so horrifying, and so sad, and so felt, that I can't go beyond the second verse without my heart pounding painfully in my chest, and my lips trembling; because behind the sweetness of her voice there's such a raw, sour cry of solitude, of despair, of hopelessness… It's as if she was calling out silently, yet desperately for something so dear that was so close and yet so far away, so completely absent in her life; and I don't know if that pained call has anything to do with me, but I can still understand it so well, because I'm missing that same thing too, I have missed it every single day since that fatidical morning in which I had to erase myself from her life and her memories, for her own good.

Tears were already clouding my eyes by the time the first chorus ends.

Hope. It's a cry for hope, and I realize then, more than ever, what I've done to her life, how I've failed to help her; just how much more empty and lonely she's feeling now, just like she felt when she sang that night at the bar, or maybe even worse; and I can't do anything but hold back the tears that threaten to fall from my eyes and just go through with this, this terrible but exquisite torment that is to hear her, to feel her pain and her desperate call and not be able to answer; to just be contented with being another body in that crowd.

I can stand it only until the second chorus. The song has turned louder and a bit more intense, and after a guitar solo that has somehow managed to heighten things, suddenly more words come, and those words transmit the same feeling I've felt, silently, all those times she has called me inwardly without even knowing, every time she was alone and desperate; and now that they sound out loud, exposed for everyone to hear, they hit me almost like a punch to the gut, and I can't stand them. I can't stand hearing them for another second.

.

I walk through a dark, endless corridor

Like a dead thing. Like a ghost.

I open one door, then another, but I never find it

I know it must be here somewhere.

Please stop, stop hiding from me

I know you're here, somewhere.

I don't know you, but I remember you

Your voice resonates in my mind,

An echo from a life I can't recall, but I lived

I know I lived

Because my heart is beating

Because my tears keep falling

Because I still feel something

Because I look dead, but I'm alive.

Still.

…

I don't even know how I managed to get away from there. I have a vague memory of bumping into people as I tried to move away from that stage and that human mass that surrounded it. I didn't even look for Nakuru and Spinel. I just wanted to be alone for a while; sort out my thoughts and emotions, if that is even possible.

What has just happened to me?

Why couldn't I make it through the end of their presentation?

I'm not really thinking about where I'm going; I just want to get away, so I let my feet take me, until suddenly, I find myself standing before the tree. That tree where, one night not so long ago, she grabbed my hand and told me that my name mattered. That I wasn't some magic circle. That I was my own person. Me. Eriol.

And today, more than ever, I need to believe that.

You still don't know what love is.

Don't I? Isn't it to sacrifice everything? To give everything up for a chance to see the one you love happy?

Isn't it that?

You're not humble enough to love. Deep down… you're still doing this for yourself.

Am I?

Am I really just the same selfish, egotistical being I was in my previous life, in all of my previous lives? Am I just convincing myself that I'm better?

No… I can't believe that. I have to be better. If not for me, for her. Because she deserves to have a life that…

She has to…

I can't let her lose…

No.

That's not really it.

Why am I doing this?

…

"Hey… are you okay?"

The touch on my shoulder and the hesitant voice at my side suddenly pull me out of my musings.

Oh dear God.

It's her.

It's impossible, and yet, it's happening. Right here, right now, by my side, so close that I can just reach out and touch her. Talking to me, her big violet eyes staring at me, completely unaware of who I am, but still worried… and it's like a dream come true.

A very, very dangerous dream.

I haven't counted on this, this was never supposed to happen; she has just sneaked on me and caught me off guard in my weakest moment, and for a second I'm just paralyzed, not knowing what to say or what to do; just that I have to get out of here as soon as possible, before anything could go wrong. Because too much could go wrong. She backs away a little then, looking a bit embarrassed at my surprised reaction, and excuses herself for startling me.

Then, I see the wetness on her face.

She's been crying. And then, I realize her band is still playing. Without her.

Okay, I can definitely not leave her alone like this.

I don't know what I say to her, what clumsy words we exchange, but suddenly, wiping her tears and with her face turning a little bit red with shyness, she asks me if I could sit with her for a moment. And God, how lonely does she have to feel, to ask a stranger for something like that?

Is this all my fault?

And even if it isn't… how can I tell her no?

So, I stay. Guilty and uneasy I stay, thinking about all the ways in which I could have caused those tears, and how little I can do to make it better. Thinking about the undeniable, yet terrifying temptation that's growing inside me with every minute that passes; the temptation to lift the veil from her eyes, to remove the spell from her memory and just give back all I've taken, and take back all I've given up, and have her look at me once again with her former, knowing eyes; to have her look at me and recognize me and be able to ask her forgiveness, and hold her in my arms and beg for it, and tell her everything, all I've thought, all I've felt, all I've missed her, all the lonely nights thinking about her, all the cold mornings waking up without her in my arms… and also, to let her know what's going to happen tonight, what I'm going to do; that these are most likely my last hours on Earth, and that all I would want is to spend them with her.

But of course... that's impossible.

But then…

"Hey…" she says. "Don't I know you from somewhere?"

She's looking at me with strange, dubious eyes, and suddenly I'm petrified. Is it because of me... because even if it was only for a second, I've wished that she remembered? Has my spell on her weakened because of my own weakness? Or is it just her own, natural perceptiveness surprising me once again?

Whatever it is, I have to erase any hint of doubt, sooner than now.

"No, that's impossible," I say, as I inwardly reinforce the strength of my spell on her. She keeps staring at me for a moment, blinking, not entirely convinced, and that scares me even more; but then she eventually seems to accept things as I present them to her, and diverts her attention to other things; as she starts telling me about Japanese customs and the meaning of Tanabata.

A meaning I already know, of course… but this is the first time I actually give it some thought.

That tragic story of the star-crossed lovers… two people who could never be together, except for this one night, when a miraculous bridge appeared in the stars… seems sadly appropriate for us, for the only and last time I will be able to see her, and the strange chain of events that has brought me to be here now.

And then, I realize that I don't believe in coincidences.

There are no coincidences in life... only hitzusen.

So... this encounter is too, meant to happen. And if life is willing to give me this one-time, last gift... who am I to reject it? It's the luckiest night of the year; the night when miracles happen and wishes come true. And so on this night, I've been given a chance I never thought I'd have.

I can say goodbye to her. Properly, with a smile on my face; not with tears and regret, like that time when I wiped her memories.

So, when she asks me to write a wish on a paper and hang it from the tree, all I can do is smile at her, and comply.

If this is a night of magic, maybe this wish can also come true. And it's such an important wish, that even if I don't believe in Tanabata, or in this tree's magic for that matter, I'm still willing to try; I'm willing to try anything to have even the slightest hope that it will come true.

So, I write it down, and hang it from the tree, and I plead to the stars that tonight I will not screw up.

She writes a wish too, and hangs it from the tree, and for a moment, she smiles at me, and she seems almost entirely happy. And I feel almost happy too.

And suddenly, when I expect nothing more, life gives me another gift, and it's more than I could have asked for, more than I deserve.

Fireworks.

The traditional firework show has started early, and, laughing excitedly, she grabs my wrist and almost drags me from the trees and to a bridge, where we can watch them. She stads there, leaning against the handrail, looking up in awe, and I lean there too, looking at her; the way her eyes light up and her smile widens under those lights, just like in that fake New Year I gave her the night of our first and only date; only now it's… real, in some strange way. Not like I've imagined it would be, but… still amazing.

It's enough, I realize in surprise.

I can go out like a flame now, and I will be at peace, knowing that I could take with me this last picture of her.

So, before the moment ends, I say goodbye to her. She looks at me a bit disconcerted; I want to say much, so much more… but it doesn't matter, anyway. I seize the chance I have to say what's really important.

Thank you... and goodbye.

Yes. It's enough.

I'm ready now.

Well, almost ready.

There's still one more thing I have to do, and then, I will be ready. For real.

…

"There you are!" Nakuru exclaims, almost breathless. "We were looking for you all over the place! Where were you?"

"Nowhere… just walking… watching the fireworks. I'm sorry. I couldn't stay until the end of the show. You were right. It made me feel worse."

"I figured. If it's any consolation, she didn't seem to feel so good either, you know? She went down off the stage before they finished… it was weird. She almost looked like she was crying. I have the whole thing on video."

"Really?" I say, and she nods and hands me her cellphone. Then, I see it. The moment when she ended the ballad. The strange look on her face, and the gesture of wiping tears. The way she rushed out off the stage, and the lame excuse the guitarist gave for her.

Singing that song has affected her deeply… just like listening to it has affected me. And now I've just left her alone again, this time for good… and never again I could help her feel better.

God. What a way to screw up.

"What was that all about?" Nakuru asks, suspiciously. "It didn't have anything to do with you… did it?"

"I don't know… but thank you for showing me this. Nakuru… I need to ask you a favor. I need you to send this video to someone."

She looks at me, confused.

"What...? Why?"

"Please, just do it. It's important."

"O-okay… but you better explain this to me, Eriol. This is all very suspicious. Who am I sending it to?"

"A friend."

"What friend?"

"Someone who can help her, if needed."

"Okay… but… why are we trying to help her? I mean, I kinda liked her before, but then she disappeared, broke your heart… and she never delivered those outfits she promised, you know?"

"Nakuru…"

"Okay, okay! Just give me the damn number. There. It's sent. See? Are you happy now?"

"Yes," I say. "Thank you. Now, you'll have to excuse me. It's getting late… and I have to be somewhere else in a short while. But, before that… there's something I need to discuss with you. With both of you, actually."

Nakuru and Spinel stare at themselves and then at me, both of them surprised, and maybe a little bit wary.

"What it is?" Nakuru asks, apprehensively.

"Let's go somewhere less crowded. There are too many people here, and Spinel won't be able to talk freely. A talking cat will surely draw unwanted attention to us."

…

So, we find a place. A small gazebo, in a relatively secluded area on the other side of the park, which was usually frequented by couples to make out, but now it's conveniently deserted. Well… maybe not so much conveniently as purposefully deserted. It's the kind of thing I never liked to do, but today there are so much bigger things going on, that one small repelling spell won't change much anyway.

"So…" I say. "I brought you two here because there's something I want to give you."

"What is it?" Spinel says.

I breathe in. I notice my heart beating fast, and my hands sweating a little bit, as if I was actually nervous about what I'm going to do. I wonder if Clow ever felt anything close to this, when he had to do this same thing, so long ago.

Well, almost same thing.

I actually can't remember. Like it happened with many of my Clow memories, I can remember facts, scenes, but not the feelings or emotions involved in them.

I don't know if it is because they were so strong and disturbing they had to be sealed into the cards, or… because he just didn't feel a thing.

However, now…

"A gift. Actually… two gifts. Two things I owe you since always, and I can't deny to you any longer. And the first one… is the truth."

"Huh?"

"I mean… the truth about myself, and about you. I need to tell you, because… I will be going soon. And you deserve to know everything… before it happens."

They just stare at me, eyes very big and suddenly filled with a glimmer of panic.

"What...? Going where?" Nakuru asks.

"Please… just hear me out for a moment. This is not going to be easy, for either of us, but we all have to make an effort. Please, forgive me for not telling you this sooner, as I should have. I know you were already suspecting something, and you weren't wrong. The truth is… I'm going to die soon."

I pause for a second, giving them time to take in the news; and their reaction is exactly like I thought it would be…the shock, the moment of speechless panic, the eyes growing big and the look on their faces, like the kind you would have when you realize one of your worse fears has turned out to be true.

Sighing, I continue.

"I'm really sorry to let you find out like this… but, the truth is, this life, my life as Eriol Hiiragizawa… was never meant to last long. It was designed by Clow Reed with the sole purpose of fulfilling his deepest wish… which is to die. To really die, I mean; to die for good. And you have no idea of all the mayhem he caused just to make this happen; and how many people had to suffer, because of his selfish wish… But it's also my wish, since I am Clow Reed, whether I like it or not… and now the time to fulfill that wish has come. That's why we came back to Japan. I knew my fate was awaiting me here. I just never thought… that it would take this form."

…

"What… form?" I whisper, still not quite able to believe what I'm hearing, as horror fills my chest with every passing moment.

"Listen…" he continues, indolently, as if he was just talking about the weather or something. "You two have been good to me, too good; and I've been really unfair to you. I should have told you this much sooner, but instead, I let you believe that you were guardians, that you were here to protect me. I did that because I needed you; but I never really thought about what you could need. I never really thought about the consequences that my wish would have on your lives. I was selfish… again, and for that, I ask for your forgiveness. I don't deserve to have you… but, even if I was such a lousy master all my life, I can still try and make things right for you… before my death."

"What? Eriol, what do you m-"

He closes his eyes and raises his hand then, muttering an inaudible word, and suddenly I'm unable to move or to speak, and a subtle, bluish glow appears all around us, surrounding the three of us. I should be scared, but I'm not; somehow I understand that that glow has always been here, surrounding us; I just wasn't able to see it, but now I can, and I can feel it, and the glow connects us, and it feels warm and comforting and...

He opens his eyes then, and stares sadly, but decidedly at us.

"I mean I release you, Ruby Moon and Spinel Sun. The bonds between master and guardian are severed; you no longer belong to me. You're free. From now on, you no longer have a master; your lives and your choices belong only to yourselves. That's the second thing I wanted to give you… my most important gift; and also tell you I'm sorry… for not giving you this gift sooner."

The glow wavers and fades, and suddenly I can speak and move again, but I can't see it anymore, it has disappeared, and I… feel it gone. I can't even begin to explain it, but... I feel it. As if the invisible thread that tied me to him was suddenly cut, and suddenly I was just like a loose kite, drifting away with the wind, unattached to anything anymore.

Like being kicked in the guts, and left to fall into an endless hole.

It's… horrifying.

"Wh… Eriol, what the hell?!" I yell, as horror grows inside me. "What… have you done?!"

"I gave you your freedom. This means you can go wherever you want, and do whatever you wish. You don't answer to me anymore. Don't worry… your powers are intact, and you won't need an outer source of power to survive, like Yue did. You two are stronger than he ever was, so you can survive on your own. Our house is still your home, of course. The one here, and the one in England too. After I'm gone, you two will inherit everything I own… so you can have a very comfortable life."

What?

"Wait! Stop!" I exclaim, desperate, as I feel my eyes filling with tears. "What the hell are you talking about?! You think we care about any of that? You think we care about your goddamned inheritance?! You… you're unbelievable! You just announced us your death and tossed us away like we're nothing, and you think you can fix it by giving us things? Well, screw it! I don't want anything! I just want things to go back to what they were before, to what they always were! Please, Eriol… just tell me this is all a big joke… and take it back. Please!"

"I'm sorry, Nakuru… but I can't do that. Even if I could… I wouldn't. I don't expect you to understand it now, but you will… eventually. Please, don't be upset. I know you can't see it now, but this gift I gave you… is a good thing. You were never free before, so you can't appreciate it now. But you will. You will learn what it means, and you will forgive me. And you will be happy that I gave you this gift. This, I promise you."

I just can't believe what I'm hearing.

"Go to hell!" I just yell in tears. "Your promises aren't worth crap! You lied to me! You said you would try to recover your old self; that things would be like they used to!"

"Nakuru… I never made you such promise. I never would, because… things can never stay the same forever. Change is the essence of life, and that's something not even I can stop. If I had understood that in my life as Clow Reed, I would have suffered less, and caused less suffering to others too. But I understand it now. And you will too, eventually… and you will let go. But I want you to know that I didn't lie to you today. I'm intending to keep my promises. Even now… I'm trying my best to fulfill the promise I made to you, that I will fight to find out who I really am… other than him."

"And how are you planning to do that, if you're dead?!" I yell, almost blinded by the tears that are clouding my eyes.

He sighs.

"That's how."

"What…? But... that doesn't make any sense! You're just going to die because he planned you to!"

"No. Not because he planned for me to, but because I choose to. I'm choosing my own fate, and I'm happy with it. It might sound strange to you, but this is the only way I can find my own purpose and my own self… and stop being a pawn. Take control of my destiny. I couldn't choose anything that happened to me in this life… it was all hitzusen, meant to happen. But I'll choose my own death. It'll be my one and only act of rebellion; to die differently than he planned, to die for something worth dying for. Something better than his own, my own selfish wish. So please… don't be sad for me. This is the best thing that could happen to me. And I'm happy with it... really."

"How, Eriol?" Spinel, who has been strangely quiet until now, suddenly says. "How are you intending to die? And when?"

"I'm sorry, Spinel… but I can't tell you that."

"Why not?"

"You know why," he says, gravely. "If you knew the details of what I'm going to do… you would try to stop me. Wouldn't you?"

"You're damn right we would!" I say. "And we will!"

"No. I don't want you to. I told you all this because I don't want to just… disappear on you. Because I felt you deserved to know the truth, and hear my apology from my own lips. But don't think, not even for a moment, that you can stop me. Because you can't. And you won't."

"We can do whatever we want," I say, defiantly. "You're not our master anymore, right? We're free."

"Yes. But this is not a command… it's a request. Please, don't try to stop me. I don't want to hurt you, and if you fight me, I might be forced to. So please… don't make me."

"You… jerk! How can you say that to us?" I yell with tears in my eyes. "You don't want to hurt us? Well, you're too late! I… I don't know why we even bother with you! We're not even guardians, right? We never were! We're nothing to you, you never really needed us! So, if you want to die so badly, why don't you go and be dead already, and save us all the trouble? Go ahead, and die! You idiot!"

"Nakuru…"

I don't stay to hear his reply. I don't even care to look at Suppy, who I can feel is as shocked as I am and as hurting as I am. I just have to get out of there fast, get away, get as far and away as I can, to not see his face anymore. To not see those eyes that stare at me so sorrowfully, as if he actually cared about how I'm feeling; as if he hasn't just done the most horrible thing a creator could ever do to his creatures.

Not need them anymore.

…

She left me alone.

That irresponsible twat just threw her temper tantrum, screamed and cried and called names, and then ran away, leaving me alone to face the aftershock, the whole uncomfortable situation that would follow. To face this person who was our beloved master until just a moment ago, and who is now standing before me as if he was a stranger; this person whose life we committed our entire existences to protect, just to find out it was a waste of time and a pointless attempt anyway, because his entire life was built on dying.

Thank you so much, Nakuru.

Not that it wasn't her style, anyway. Theatrical and overly-dramatic, as always. Maybe because she has a human form she believes herself with the right to act childishly and stupidly like a human; but I don't have such luxury. Someone has to keep a cool head, even in the face of disaster; and that someone is always me.

I look at him. There's a long, awkward silence before any of us attempt to speak.

"I don't think she meant them," I finally say. "Those things she said."

"Oh… she meant them," he answers. "And she has a right to feel like that. You too, Spinel. If you hate me… I'll understand."

"I don't hate you," I say. "I will never hate you. Neither does she; you know that, Eriol. She's just… freaking out. She'll come to her senses... in time."

"Unfortunately… time is something I don't have much left of. But thank you, for not freaking out too. I can always count on you to keep it together… and understand."

"Yes…" I say. "I understand. I see why you're doing what you're doing. I can't blame you for it; I can even respect it. But that doesn't mean I can accept it… or allow it to happen. Even if you set us free and told us the truth, and explained your reasons… I still can't let you do it. I hope you understand that too… Eriol."

"So… you're saying you will try to stop me."

"Yes."

His gaze turns suddenly somber.

"Please… I beg you to reconsider. If you fight me… you know you can't win."

"I know," I say, staring at him calmly, but decidedly. "I'm still going to try."

"Why? You're smart, Spinel. You know you can't defeat me, and you just got your freedom. Why throw it all away? Why risk yourself in vain? It's… not worth it."

"Eriol, since I'm free now… I'll decide what's worth it for me or not. Understand that, even though you might no longer be my master… I'm still your guardian. You gave me the freedom to choose. This is what I chose."

He stares at me sorrowfully for a moment.

"You're just as stubborn as I am… aren't you?" he says, and then he sighs. A long, resigned sigh. "Yes… of course you are. I'm the one who created you, after all. You're not going to change your mind any more than I will… am I right?"

"That's right."

"I see. Then… good luck to you, Spinel."

He gives me a sad little smile, a nod of acknowledgment, and then turns around and starts walking away.

…

I find myself running desperately through the streets, unable to stop the tears that are running through my cheeks. No, I can't stand to be near him anymore. I can't stand to feel his presence, so close and yet so far away from me, at a sidereal distance like it had never been before. As if he was a complete stranger.

And I can't, I just can't face Suppy and talk to him about what just happened. I felt his own shock and pain and disconcert as the master/guardian bond was severed, and I can't, I don't have the strength to look at him in the face and acknowledge that our master, our creator, has just disposed of us; that he doesn't need us anymore, that he's planning on dying alone and leave us forever, just like he did to his former guardians. Acknowledge that we weren't anything to him, but a series of experiments to play with for a while, and then discard when he was bored.

No, I can't, I can't, I can't.

Suddenly, I don't know why or how, I find myself facing that door again. I can barely see because of the tears that blur my eyes, I can't even think; but I find myself ringing that doorbell repeatedly, impatiently. And then, the door opens, and the one I was expecting to see appears in front of me, with a surprised look on his face.

A surprised look, but also those gentle, kind eyes. Eyes that are framed by those big glasses, those glasses that for some reason, remind me of him.

And not even thinking about what I'm doing, I throw myself into his arms and burst into tears.

He goes still, confused, for a moment. But then I feel him loosening up a little; his arms going around me, as I'm accepted into his embrace. And it helps. It's utterly weird and ridiculous, for the mighty Ruby Moon to need comfort from this older, less powerful model; one so weak it had needed an outer source of power to survive… And yet… it feels so warm, and so appropriate at the same time.

Now we are the same thing. It doesn't matter that I'm stronger and better.

We're both rejects.

…

"Akizuki-san…" he says, smiling warmly behind those ridiculously huge glasses. "What's going on? You're really distressed… To-ya, will you be so kind as to bring her some tea?"

"Again? Yuki... I'm starting to feel like a maid," he protests, but they share a quick look, and off he goes into the kitchen anyway.

My rival just smiles.

"Now that he's gone… will you tell me what happened? Will you prefer that I turn into Yue?"

"No! Please, don't. I think I prefer… that you just stay like this."

"Okay. So... what's wrong, Akizuki-san? Did anything happen to Hiiragizawa-san?"

"How…" I mutter, my voice wavering. "How could you stand it… Tsukishirou-kun? How were you able to keep on living… after he cut you loose?"

"Oh my… I'm… I'm sorry… is that what…? Did he…? Akizuki-san… I'm sorry. How exactly… did it happen?"

I tell him, the whole thing, and when I'm done, I realize that tears are streaming down my eyes again.

"So… that's it. He just… disposed of me, as if I was nothing. Like he did with you!" I say with a cracked voice, unable to stop the sobs that once more, have started to come out of my mouth.

"No, Akizuki-san… not like he did with me," he stares at me, seriously. "When he cut us loose, Kerberos and me, he sealed us, remember? Right after he told us he was going to die. We only had a few moments of awareness, to feel that pain, before we were forced into decades of sleep. And when I opened my eyes again into this world, all my memories had been taken from me, replaced with fake ones… and it was only after I fully awoke as Yue that I found out my master was long gone, and I had to serve a new mistress I didn't know anything about; only to realize shortly after that he had reincarnated, and replaced us with new guardians. It was harsh… really."

I just stare at him.

"That's… beyond harsh. It's cruel. I would die if that happened to me... to not even have a chance to protest, or to understand what was going on... I'm... I'm sorry. I've been nasty to you. I never really thought about what you went through. I guess… I didn't want to think about it. Because thinking about it would remind me that it could happen to me too… like it has."

"It's okay. I understand, Akizuki-san. I don't blame him either; after all, being Yukito and meeting Sakura-chan and To-ya was the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm happy that things turned out like this. But still… it hurt. A lot. So, I understand how you're feeling. But… I don't think this is the same thing. After all, he didn't seal you. He didn't take your memories nor decided your destiny. He offered you an explanation, and told you you were free to do whatever you wanted with your life. I think he has changed… quite a lot, really. This Eriol Hiiragizawa… doesn't sound like Clow Reed at all," he says, smiling.

"No… he's not. I know he's not, he has changed, but… it doesn't matter. The result is the same. What am I going to do now, Tsukishirou-kun? How am I supposed to live? Now I truly have no purpose. I am not a guardian anymore. I am nothing. And he's still going to die, and I don't know how to stop him and I... I feel… lost."

"Akizuki… don't lose hope just yet. He's still alive, isn't he? And you're not sealed, and you have all your powers. Things are happening differently this time; maybe the outcome will be different too. Also... you have something me and Kerberos didn't have back then."

"What?" I whisper, my eyes growing even mistier.

"Friends who are willing to help you… and fight alongside with you, if needed."

"R-really? You would…?" I say, wiping my tears away and feeling a bit surprised, but also unbelievably reassured and grateful. "Thank you… Tsukishirou-kun. You know… you might be an older, weaker model, and I might be prettier and better in every way, but… you have a kinder, much more beautiful heart than I could ever have. I see now why Touya-kun chose you. Now, let me return the kindness, because tomorrow I won't stand the thought of being in your debt. There's something you need to know. Clow Reed… he might have been an asshole to you and Kerberos; but… he didn't replace you with me and Suppy-chan."

"Well, technically he did. He reincarnated and created you two, even though we were still around."

"Yes, but… he didn't do it on purpose. It was... kind of an accident."

"What?" he stares at me a little perplexed.

I sigh.

"Look… yesterday you told me the story of how Clow Reed created you, and how you came to know him and worship him. Let me tell you my story now, of how I came to exist and meet Eriol… and then you'll understand."

"O-okay," he says. And then I take a breath… and proceed to tell the story that I've never told anyone before.

…

He's not home when I get there; no one is home. I can still feel his presence though, which means he's still alive somewhere; but I can't really tell where he is. It's hard to get used to this new way of feeling it, not bright and close but dim and distant, as if it's the presence of an anonymous, unknown person who has no connection to me whatsoever. It's difficult to find, and easy to lose among so many others; and it feels so weird, but now I don't have much time to ponder about that, or to feel sorry for the lost connection.

I have to find out exactly what he's planning on doing, if I want to have the slightest hope of being able to stop him. And I have to do it fast. He said it very clearly: he doesn't have much time left. Which means that, whatever it is he's planning on doing, he's going to do it soon.

But, what could that be?

I know it won't be something as simple as cutting his wrists, swallowing pills, or throwing himself under a train, like any common human would; that wouldn't accomplish anything, because his wish isn't just a simple suicidal wish. I even doubt that he wants to die at all; it seems more as if he had just accepted that he has to, and just wants to, at least, do it on his own terms. He has been looking for a way to break his senseless circle of death and reincarnation for quite some time now; maybe… he has finally found it?

What I'm sure of is that there will be magic involved; surely complex, high-level magic, the kind that requires complicated rituals of some sort. Why else would he spend so many days and weeks locked inside his study, after resigning from his job at the university? What was he researching, all those hours in there?

I don't know, but the first logical thing to do is to go through his books and stuff at the study and see what he has been reading lately, find out if there are any notes anywhere, and, for God's sake, where the hell is Nakuru?

A little help would have been nice. Even if she isn't the sharpest tool in the shed; this task seems too big for me to undertake on my own, especially considering how little time we have. But she's still distressed and crying somewhere, I can feel it; and she's not alone, she's in the company of…

That older guardian?

What the hell, Nakuru?

Maybe she's asking him for help? Suddenly, I feel a glimmer of hope; I could certainly use Yue's knowledge of Clow and more rational mind in this, but I don't have the time to sit around and wait for them. I have to do my part as well as I can here, and hope that she will return with the much-needed help as soon as possible.

…

"I opened my eyes for the first time one sizzling summer night," I start. "In a dark, silent room. I was lying on the floor with Suppy, and he was the first thing I saw, this big panther thing, as my head was lying on his fur as if he was a pillow. It was like waking up from a nap. We looked at each other for a moment, in the almost complete darkness, and somehow, we knew we were related, siblings… meant to be together.

I remember I wanted to see better, and suddenly there was a ball of light in my hands. It floated up, and then it hanged on the ceiling, bathing the room in a silver glimmer. I was really surprised when I first realized of my powers; that there were some things that would happen if I wished for them. But then, I saw the mirror.

I walked to it and watched my face for a while. It was also surprising, but I liked it. I didn't yet understand what it meant, to have a human form, but I liked what I saw, I liked the way I was and the way I looked, and for a while I just stood there, breathing in the warm summer air and staring at myself, just happy to be alive, existing. I just wanted to find out why, how such a miracle had happened… because I couldn't remember having existed ever before.

Then, I heard sounds. Suppy and I both heard them. It was a strange noise, and it was coming from somewhere close. Suddenly, I felt something really powerful, as if something was pulling from me, calling me. Suppy felt it too; so, we went out of the room and followed the noise and the feeling through dark hallways and dark stairs. It was an enormous house we were in, and not one light on it was lit. It was dusty, and looked deserted, abandoned… almost sinister.

But then we found it; the source of that sound, and that feeling. We went into another huge, dark room, and we saw it; a small bundle of clothes with a little face and hands coming out of them. It was a child, not older than three years old, sitting on the floor and sobbing by an old, imposing, dusty piano.

He looked so lonely, and helpless… I saw him, and my heart just melted. All I knew was that I wanted to hug him and stop his tears right away. I wanted to take care of him and protect him from any harm, and be by his side always. I wanted to see him smile.

So, I walked to him… I knelt in front of him and laid a hand on his hair. And then he looked at me, and he seemed surprised.

"Who are you?" he asked, a bit warily. "Are you… my new guardians?"

"I don't know," I said. "What's a guardian?"

He looked at me, perplexed.

"Someone who is there... to protect," he muttered.

"Then... I think we are," I said, because for some reason, it felt right; I knew it was the right thing to say. "Yes. We are your guardians."

"No. This is a mistake," he said, wiping away his tears and trying to sound haughty. "Go away. I don't need you. I don't want any guardians. I didn't mean to bring you into this world. I must have done it… without realizing."

Then, I understood who he was. This little child in dirty clothes that were way too big for him, who tried to look proud before us… was our creator. The very reason of our existence. And I could feel his powers. I knew it was true.

"Look…" I said, smiling at him. "I don't care if you did it on purpose or not. I'm glad you have created us. Being alive… feels really great. So… thank you for it."

"You say that now…" he said, his eyes turning somber. "But someday you might come to regret it. You will suffer… and you will hate me for it. I know, because everyone that ever crosses paths with me, no matter what I do… always end up suffering. You won't be the exception."

It was hard to understand how this little, defenseless-looking child could possibly cause any suffering, but, it didn't really matter. The only thing that mattered to me was to reassure him, make him feel better somehow.

"I promise you, we won't ever hate you, nor regret to be here, in this world, and be your guardians. We'll be honored to be by your side and protect you, always. Won't we?" I said to Suppy, and he nodded. "So… why don't you tell us your name?" I asked him.

"It's… Eriol," he said, still not looking too convinced. "Eriol Hiiragizawa."

"So, Eriol… why were you crying just now? Why are you all alone in this house?"

Then, his haughty attitude seemed to crack, and his eyes filled up with tears again.

"Because they died… and I… I can't play it!" he said, and suddenly, he started sobbing again.

"Who… died?" I gently asked him, feeling my heart clench as I watched him struggle to not cry.

"My... parents," he said. "The people who made me. This piano… it was theirs. I remember… hearing them. They would sit on it for hours… and play it for me. I was just… too little. I couldn't talk yet… couldn't walk… I didn't even know who I was yet… but I could hear the piano. So, I want to play it. And I should be able to. I know who I am now... I've remembered. I'm the most powerful being in the world. I should be able to do anything I wanted… but… I can't! I've been trying so hard! I just… don't know how," he said, holding back his tears, as his hands tightened into two little fists.

"Look…" I said, softly. "Maybe you just have to learn. Maybe there are things you're not supposed to know yet. Even if you are the most powerful being in the world… you're still a child. So, why don't you let us take care of you? Then, when you're older and you know how to play it, you can play for us... and we'll love to hear you. But, until that time comes… why don't you let us tidy up this house, and get you some clean clothes, and put on some lights? You can't keep living like this. You need a home."

"A... home?"

He looked at me then, and then, unexpectedly, he broke down. His eyes welled up with tears, and he threw himself into my arms and started crying; and I realized that, creator or not, most powerful being in the world or not… this was just a small child with no parents, alone in a huge, lonely house.

I hugged him; he was so little I could easily fit him in my arms. Suppy came closer and licked his cheeks, like a cat, and after crying for a while, he just fell asleep in my arms. We found out later that he hadn't almost slept for days, because he had stubbornly been trying, and failing, to get some notes out of that old piano.

"Don't worry, little master," I whispered to him, and as I held him in my arms, I realized he was the most precious thing they could ever hold. "I promise we will never leave you. You'll never have to be alone again."

I never saw him cry again, after that day. The next morning he woke up in a clean bed, in a clean house, and our life together began. He gave Suppy and me our names, and after that day, he was always smiling and in a good mood. Sometimes even too good. He was naughty as hell, and he liked to play pranks on us; but I wouldn't be any less, so I played pranks on him as well. I got used to living in my human form and impersonate a housekeeper or a tutor for the rest of the world, so that they would leave him alone; and Suppy passed as a cat. He wanted nothing to do with his remaining family, and we respected his wishes. He taught me how to cook, a skill he had from his previous lives. We also got him a teacher and he eventually learned to play the piano, and I spent hours listening to him. We went shopping, and played cards, and board games, and video games together… and we had so much fun. We were happy. Almost… like a real family. But then... he comes with this shit of cutting us loose, and that his entire life was built on dying and crap… and no, I can't accept that! I can't let him do this, Tsukishirou!"

As I finish my story, I realize his kind, brown eyes are a bit misty, and he's wiping out tears.

"Oh… I'm sorry," I say. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad with my story. I just wanted to let you know… that Clow didn't replace you. He was kind of… stuck with us. He never wanted new guardians to begin with; I guess he just created us unconsciously… because he was a child and didn't want to be alone."

"No, Akizuki-san," he says, smiling. "It's a beautiful gift, this story you just told me. I just cried a little, because… I realize now that Clow is really gone, for good. This person you just told me about… is not Clow. He may have his powers and memories, even the same soul, but… he's a different person. And I think you had a lot to do with that. I'm really glad… that he got to meet you, and have you by his side in his new life. You managed to do something I never could; you became the only family he ever had. You made him more human. I think that's why he wished to not be your master anymore. Not because he doesn't need you; but because he doesn't see you as a servant."

And then, I feel my own eyes filling up with tears again, and I hurry to wipe them away.

"God, Tsukishirou. You always manage to say the right words. No wonder why Touya fell for you; you're convincing as hell. I guess you deserve to have him."

"Hey… Yuki didn't convince me, and will you stop talking about me behind my back already?" Touya's slightly annoyed voice comes from the living door, a tea tray in his hands. "I swear, I'm never leaving you two alone again."

"Didn't I convince you, To-ya?" Tsukishirou says, a slightly mischievous smile appearing on his face. "Come on, it's okay… you can admit it now."

"Funny…" Touya says somewhat wryly, "I remember it happening a lot differently. Anyway… where's that cake you promised to bring, Akizuki?"

"Huh… I kinda… forgot about it," I say, a bit taken aback. "There was all this stuff going on, and… But if you have ingredients, I can manage something. I'm an excellent cook."

"Oh, I don't believe that for a second. But it's too late to make a cake anyway, so, why don't you help us make dinner instead? I mean, if you're planning to stay, and you weren't lying about the cooking thing, which I think you were," he retorts, with a bit of a sly look in his eyes.

"How dare you! I'll show you how great I am! Tsukishirou, get me an apron!" I say, knowing that I'm being played, but not really caring about it. I appreciate the masked invitation to stay at their house a little longer. I can't really go home yet; I'm still not ready to face Suppy and Eriol after all that's happened. But then again… I'm a free creature now, right? I can use some time for myself, make my own friends… and these two are not the worst possible people to hang out with.

They're actually… kind of alright.

…

So, she never came back.

Hours passed, I don't know how many, but I'm starting to get really tired of randomly reading and looking around and not finding anything worthwhile. It doesn't help that Eriol is so messy with his stuff, either. The entire room is literally covered in books, papers, diagrams and other things; it's really hard to find any resemblance of order in this chaos, much less to deduce which books were the last he has been working with.

From time to time I've managed to feel Eriol's presence, somewhere not too far away; but it's too difficult and mind-consuming to maintain the connection with it and focus on my current task at the same time, so, I had to choose. Even so, I know he will return home soon; the only thing I learned from my thorough examination of the stuff that's scattered all over the place is that, whatever it is that's he's planning on doing, he will most likely do it here. Amongst the papers and diagrams I've found many of the house's blueprints, with extensive but almost unreadable scribbles on them; as if he has been studying them, looking for something that was hidden somewhere… maybe some secret room, magically locked? A hidden source of power? I don't know, but what I do know is that this house isn't just a house; I can feel the strange, disturbing energy that surrounds it and exudes from its very walls, its foundations; I've felt it ever since the first time we arrived here. I've even glimpsed, from time to time, strange glimmers coming from the surfaces of the many mirrors that were in every room of the house, those that Eriol seems to dislike so much as to never look directly at them, and yet – suspiciously enough - never attempted to remove, or even cover.

Yes, there's something definitely odd about this house; something Eriol never bothered to explain to me, despite how many times I asked. And now I have reasons to believe it has something to do with all this; with his previous life, with his unfair, foreordained destiny, and with his current plans of dying.

I just have to find out what. And I have to do it quickly, before he comes back. If he finds me here there will certainly be consequences; he will realize what I'm trying to do, and…

I don't want to look further into that scenario. Even if I know that I will surely have to confront him sooner or later, maybe even fight him… I'm not ready for that yet. Not alone, without my companion. And not before I have all the facts, and can think of the best strategy.

Power alone won't be enough to defeat him; he's undoubtedly more powerful. Our only chance here is to be smarter… and even that is doubtful.

Time keeps passing, and I've still found nothing; I'm almost about to fall into despair when, suddenly, through the haze that numbs my very tired mind… I notice something. Among the huge piles of books that are scattered everywhere, there's one book missing; a book I haven't found yet, a book I remember well because I could never justify its presence in my master's library. I've even asked him about it once, and he had said, literally…

"Everything has its place in the world, Spinel. Everything exists for a reason; even darkness and evil. You never know when you might need to use the darkest magic, or for what reasons. But you might still need to. It would be stupid to not consider that possibility."

I feel myself go pale; if it's even possible for a panther creature to go pale underneath its fur.

What the hell are you planning on doing, Eriol?!

Unable, or better said unwilling to believe the idea that has just started to form in my mind, I start to look desperately through the books, to make sure that that one is really missing; wishing that I will bump into it any moment now and my incipient, horrible hunch would be disproved. But I can't find it, and I'm running out of time, and I'm so lost in my frantic search that it really takes me by surprise when I suddenly hear the voice behind my back.

"I thought I'd find you here. You were looking for this… weren't you?"

I turn around, and I see him, grave and serious and with a look so somber like I've never seen in his eyes before… and in his hands, he's holding the book.

"Eriol…" I mutter, surprised. "You can't…"

"This is your weakness, Spinel… and also why none of you will be able to stop me. You're predictable. You can't think outside your own limits. I'm sorry... but I don't have time for this. I need to end it, now," he says.

Everything that happens after that seems like it happens in an old silent movie, like it happens in slow motion. The book is dropped from his hands, and I see it fall to the floor while this round, black thing appears between his hands, like an orb made of shadows. I see his lips moving, whispering words I can't really hear, and suddenly that ball grows bigger, bigger than me and than himself and it engulfs everything in shadows, and before I can even scream or move everything turns dark and I feel violently hit by an overwhelming force.

And then… more darkness.

…

Eventually, I open my eyes again, with difficulty. I'm not really sure of what has happened or how much time has passed, or even if I'm still alive at all.

But I am alive. I know, because of how much my body hurts. I feel numb and shaken, and I realize that I'm lying on the hard concrete of the street. I look up, and the sky is very dark, darker than I ever remember seeing it; I can't see the moon nor the stars, and all the street lamps are turned off, as if their light bulbs had exploded. In dread, I look towards the house then, looking for the home I've been cast out of; but what I see then makes my blood freeze.

Oh dear God.

Eriol… what have you done?

…

I wake up a few hours later, to the insistent sound of something pounding at the door. Sleepily, with my mind coming out of a haze, I open my eyes in the almost complete darkness, and for a moment I look around and I'm startled and disoriented.

Where the fuck am I?

Then, I start to remember. Oh, yes… I'm at their house. There was a meal… a burned meal. There were laughs, and jokes, and a phone call to the Chinese delivery… and beers, many beers; maybe too many, and now as a result I'm all dizzy and hangovery, waking up on a couch, in a house that isn't mine.

My head hurts like hell, but I have a pillow and a blanket and I don't smell of vomit anywhere; so overall, being the first time I got drunk and ended up crashing at someone else's house… this hasn't been such a bad experience, after all.

It could have definitely been much worse.

But that insistent noise on the door is kinda weird. It doesn't sound exactly like knocking, more like something really big is thumping against it and… scratching it?

What the hell.

And things get even weirder when I see Touya appearing in the almost entire darkness of the living room, barefoot and in his pajamas, all sleepy-eyed and grunting, as he turns on a lamp and drags his feet closer to the door.

"What's all that racket?" he asks, and still numbed by alcohol and half-asleep, I barely manage to shake my head no. "Who's out there?" he yells. "If you don't stop it, I'm calling the cops!"

Then, I hear a roar coming from the other side of the door; light appears from underneath it and from every crevice and suddenly, it bursts open. Touya is thrown back, visibly startled, as an imposing, huge winged creature appears on the threshold.

"Where is she?!" I hear the powerful, almost frightening voice coming from the door, and suddenly, I am fully awake.

Suppy…chan?

…

There's no time to explain. No time to think. All I know is that moments later I'm flying as fast as I can with my panther companion by my side and my heart pounding crazily in my chest, feeling almost as if it's going to burst, as panic spreads through my entire body. I still don't understand very well what's happening, but one thing I do understand: I have to get home fast. Faster than fast. Before it's too late.

The time for playing guardians is over.

Now, we have to save our master. For real.

...

---

Author's Notes:

Hello! Anyone still there?

Sorry that I took so long (again) to upload this. There's no real reason for it besides my own struggle with my writing. Actually, the first scene when Eriol struggles with the piano and can't get the song he's trying to play to sound the way he wants describes quite well the fight I've been pulling with my writing on these last few months (minus the witch's voice in my head, hahaha)... I mean, I knew what I wanted to write, I knew what I wanted to tell; but I couldn't get it right, and it sometimes got so frustrating I ended up erasing entire pages... But that's what writing is for me, for better or worse, and I still love it, and I'm still going to do it nonetheless.

I had to end up cutting this chapter in half too, because it came out too long, even longer than the last one, and it was such a pain to read and correct it all in one sitting... also, I didn't want it to be too tiresome for you to read either. There were more things happening, but I finally chose to leave them for next chapter. Yes, that includes what I know you were all expecting to read in this one, what I left in cliffhanger since last chapter... what is Tomoyo (and everyone else, now that we're at it) going to do about Eriol's imminent death? Patience, dears, all those things will be addressed soon enough. Chapter 7 is on the way!

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this one for what it is... some kind of a hinge-chapter (is there such a word?), where things are set up and prepared for what is to come... and hopefully I'll see you all in the next one!

P.S.: Please let me know if you're still alive! Best for you!