One life

by Nessa Yavetil

When you are a powerful mage who reincarnates after every death, you learn to come to terms with love and loss. You learn to enjoy things while they last. But, what happens when you fall for someone who makes you believe you could change your destiny? (Sequel to "Do you remember love?" READ THAT ONE FIRST!)

8. Trust

8. Trust

---

And if I show you my dark side
Will you still hold me tonight?
And if I open my heart to you
And show you my weak side
What would you do?

(Pink Floyd - The Final Cut)

---

…

Perhaps, the world has suddenly gone insane at some point... and I just didn't notice.

Perhaps, just like Alice, I fell down some rabbit hole, or walked through a looking-glass, and appeared in some other world, a world that resembles mine in a way, but where everything is distorted and just… senseless.

Perhaps that's it. That's got to be it; because there's no other way to explain the bizarre chain of things that had been happening around me, ever since that morning when I woke up with that feeling in my chest, as if something inside me was wrong, or missing. The world just spiraled into chaos after that. My mom, the strongest woman I've ever met, sick and lying in a hospital bed, waiting to die. My best friend in China for an indefinite time and almost out of reach. And me… a lead singer in a rock band. I mean… how could any of this have happened? How could this be my life?

But the eeriness had reached its peak tonight, the moment I put that dress on in front of the mirror, and suddenly I wasn't the person I remembered anymore; because all sort of forgotten memories and feelings that I didn't even know I had -and yet, whose absence I've stubbornly felt- came back to me, and there was no time to even think about them or process them correctly, because lots of awful things were happening at an overwhelming speed, and I had to stop them. So, before I could really have a moment to stop and think about what I was doing, I was walking through a destructive wall of energy, risking my life for a chance to save someone who just an hour ago was a complete stranger, and who now suddenly meant the world to me.

Damn it, it was enough to mess up anyone's head.

And yet, the madness only seems to increase. Just a few moments after I walked through that barrier of dark, destructive magic, right after thinking I've died, just when I thought I've somehow managed to overcome the greatest obstacle... I find myself facing a woman who was pointing a sword at me. A woman I know. A woman that shouldn't be here, and for a moment, all I can do was stare at; utterly shocked to find her in this strange, surreal situation.

So, I strain my mind trying to make sense of her presence here; trying to remember that this was Eriol's former lover, a powerful magic user who has helped him before, with the whole cards business… but in truth, all I can see behind the sword that was pointed at me is my old math teacher.

"What…? Daidouji… san?" she says, as I step into the weak light of the porch and she sees me, apparently just as shocked as I am by this encounter. "Is that... really you?"

"Yes... it's me. Mizuki... sensei."

"I... can't believe this! You? You're the cause of all this mess?"

Her blunt, surprised words finally make me snap out of it.

"I... think so," I say. "You sound disappointed… Mizuki-sensei."

She just stares at me, surprised.

"Don't... call me like that. I'm not your teacher anymore. And no, I'm not... disappointed. Astonished, maybe. Of all the people I thought it could be…"

Of course. Who in their right mind would be expecting me? After all, I'm just plain, common, unremarkable Tomoyo… wasn't I? Her astonishment is understandable.

Still, it's a bit harsh to be reminded of it.

"I know," I say, perhaps a little more bitterly than I intend to. "You were expecting someone different... someone powerful… like Sakura, right?"

"What? No... that's not it. I'm just surprised, because... I didn't think you liked boys," she says, looking strangely amused. "But I guess I'm no good at figuring these things out. I never thought Touya-kun liked boys either... and we all know how that ended up," she continues with that strange, carefree smile on her face, as if she has suddenly forgotten about the surreal, yet very serious situation we are in. "But then again, if you're here... then it's undoubtedly you," she says, becoming serious again. "I see a trend, though. First Sakura-chan… and now Eriol-kun? What is it, Daidouji-san? Do you have a thing for power? Or do you just love to have your heart crushed?"

For a second I just stand still, speechless. If there was anything that could make this whole situation even more bizarre and grotesque than it already is, it's my old math teacher questioning my love choices.

"I… I don't have to explain myself to you," I finally mutter, once I regain my speech. "And you really think this is the right time to discuss this?"

"Yes," she says, her eyes narrowing in a strange, enigmatic way. "There's no better time than now, for you to stop and think about the choices you make."

"What...?" I say, startled by her strange response, and at the same time getting impatient. "Are you serious? I don't have time for this!"

I try to walk to the door, but she stands in my way, plunging the sword into my chest, and making me step back in pain. It's just a wooden, practice sword; but I realize that even if the thing doesn't have a sharp edge, she's trained in its use and can easily hurt me with it, should she choose so.

"Careful, Daidouji. I know you're in a hurry. And yet, I'm here, standing between you and this door, pointing a bokken at you. What does that tell you?"

"But, why?" I say, genuinely puzzled. "Why are you here? I thought you were in England."

She frowns.

"My reasons to be here are not important. The only thing that's important now is... why are you here?"

"Seriously?" I say, starting to get a bit exasperated. "Do you not know what's going on inside this house?"

Her eyes darken.

"Of course I know. Do you?"

I stare at her, a bit taken aback.

"Yes. I mean... I think I do."

"You think?"

"Well... I know he's doing something dangerous… invoking with some kind of dark magic… and I know it'll kill him."

"Is that all you know?"

"No. There's also this... prophecy... but you must already know about it, don't you? I'm not sure how, but... I think he's trying to change it. My fate, his... and also the fate of someone very dear to me who's… very sick. I think... he's trying to create a miracle. I think he wants to exchange his life for hers… so that she gets to live, and I don't have to... to..."

I look away, unable to finish that sentence.

"To... what?" she says, staring at me inquiringly.

I remain silent.

"You came all this way… and yet, you can't even say it?"

Then, I look up at her again.

"It's not that I can't say it… I can't... I can't even think it!"

"Well, you have to think it!" she says, harshly. "Even if you don't want to… even if you don't believe it… you have to think it! This isn't going to disappear just because you refuse to acknowledge it. Just... the opposite."

"I know, but, there's no time for that now! I'll worry about this... prophecy thing later. Now, I need to go inside this house and stop him!"

"And why would you do that?" she says, staring at me quizzically.

"What? What do you mean, why? Didn't you hear a word I said? He's going to die!"

"So?"

"So…?" I say, looking at her in puzzlement. "You mean you don't care if he dies?"

She frowns. Suddenly, so swiftly that I almost don't have time to react, she raises her bokken and swings it at me, and I manage to rise an arm to protect my face by reflex, and the wooden thing hits me on the forearm. And it hurts. Not enough to make a wound, but enough to bruise.

"Irrelevant," she says, and I see a flash of anger in her eyes. "I'm just a guard, what I think... doesn't matter. But you, you're the bloody goddess, for God's sake! You're the one whose actions actually matter, and yet, you haven't even stopped to think about them! I can't... I can't accept such recklessness. I'm going to ask you again, and this time I want you to really think about it before you answer. Why do you want to stop him… Daidouji-san?"

Then, I realize she's not just guarding the door. There's something else going on here; I'm still not sure of what it is… but I realize that, if I want to get past her, I will have to find out.

"Mizuki-san... is this a test?"

Then, before I can even see it coming, she raises the bokken and hits me with it again. I barely manage to protect myself with my arm again, but it still hurts quite a lot.

"Ouch!" I yell. "What are you doing that for?!"

"Stop asking stupid questions," she says, a severe look on her face. "Stop trying to outsmart me. Just take a moment, and think about what I asked you. Why are you here… Daidouji?"

"I told you!" I say, starting to feel desperate. "I have to stop him! He's going to sacrifice himself to save my mother's life… and I… I can't let that happen!"

"Why?"

"Because... it's wrong!"

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why? It just is! Nobody should live at the cost of someone else's life! I know my mom wouldn't want it… and I don't want it, either."

"Why not? Don't you want her to live?"

That's a really awful question, one I've been avoiding to even ask myself, ever since I found out what he was trying to do… because it would make everything so much harder.

"Of course I want her to live," I say, feeling a knot in my chest. "But... he shouldn't die because of it. It's not right. It's not… fair."

"Fair?" she says, her face turning even more serious. "What does fair have to do with anything?"

"What... do you mean?"

"Was it fair that he had to die and be reborn over and over again, against his will and for no good reason, and had to suffer for centuries because of it? Was it fair that I've only met him in this life, when I could be nothing more than a helper, because he had a bigger destiny than me, because he was already waiting for someone who was going to make his greatest wish a reality? Was it fair that his shining goddess happened to be just a common girl... one who didn't even have powers to begin with, and to whom I even had to teach Math to?" she shakes her head, a bitter look in her eyes. "And what about you? Was it fair that the one you loved never loved you back in the same way, and you had to watch her fall for other people over and over again, even help her get with one of them? Was it fair that the moment you finally found some happiness with someone else, you found out you're the one who's supposed to kill him? Is it fair that your mom is sick and is dying… and that you have to be here, having to choose between his life or hers? What does fair have to do with anything, Daidouji? Life isn't fair. Things just are the way they are."

That leaves me speechless.

"I… I'm sorry, Mizuki-san. You're right… nothing about this is fair... for any of us. But, still… I don't think it's right that he had to go through so much suffering through so many lives… just to find death at the end."

"Why not? Death is what everybody finds at the end. It's every living being's sacred right; for some it means peace, and rest... and it's a right he was denied of. If you want to think about fair… think about that."

"So… it's okay for you if he dies?"

Once again, she swings the sword at me, this time at my ribs, where it hits painfully. I yell again, and look at her in resentment as I rub the mistreated area.

"I told you… stop asking pointless questions," she says, staring at me inflexibly. "Stop trying to evade responsibility. This isn't about me. What I think or do is irrelevant. What's important now is why you are here. What you really want."

The bluntness of it startles me a little.

"What I want …" I stammer. I don't really know what to answer. I want to say that I want everyone to be alive and happy… but I realize now it would be a very childish thing to say. Because life doesn't work like that. A world where everyone is happy… such a thing doesn't exist. Someone always has to suffer. Someone always has to make sacrifices and pay prices. For Sakura to be happy with Li-kun, I had to keep silent for years about my feelings, and suffer alone… and for my mom to live, he'll have to give up his life. There is no other way. If I want him to live, I'll have to accept her death, and let her go. Both scenarios are terrible and awful; and I want none of them to happen, but that… isn't really an option.

Then… what do I want, really?

I see her shake her head.

"See? You don't even know why you're here. You don't know what you want. You should go home, and think this through. There's no way I'm letting you go in there like this."

Does that mean that there is some scenario in which she would let me go in there? She isn't just toying with me, trying to make me waste the little time I have? But then, why is she doing this? Despite she has said this isn't about her, I have a feeling that, if I somehow get the answer to that question, I would find the key to get inside.

"I'm sorry… but I can't do that, Mizuki-san."

"Then, we seem to have reached a deadlock. I won't let you go any forward, and you won't go back. What are you going to do… Daidouji?"

That strikes some kind of familiar cord. When did I find myself in a situation like this before?

Then, I remember.

That dream… the one I had that fateful night, just after I met Eriol at the bar. I dreamed I was moving through an endless hallway full of hanging masks, just like I had several times before, only this time, something was different. That hallway that used to be infinite, suddenly came to an end; and I was facing an abyss, a giant void, a terrifying black thing where the walls, the ceiling, everything disappeared; and there was no other way to go but forward, into that void, where I was sure I would disappear too… because I also knew that I turning back wasn't an option. But then, some kind of wall of dark smoke appeared in front of me, and in it, a gigantic, horrifying eye emerged… and it looked at me. It judged me. It made me aware of my limits; of my sore body, of my heavy bones… it made me painfully human again.

I remember I hated it. But then he awakened me, and I never knew how the dream ended; how I came out of that judgment, or if there was some way I could finally cross that void…

Maybe… this is the time to find out.

"I'm not leaving," I finally answer, staring at her with a determined look. "I'm going to do whatever it takes to get in there… and then… I'm going to save him," I say, and for the first time, I felt pretty confident in my own words.

"So… you're choosing to let your mother die, then?"

"That's not-"

"Make up your mind, girl! It's either one thing or the other. You can't have both."

"I know! Look… my mother is sick. I wish I could find a cure for her more than anything, but… taking another person's life to keep her alive… that's not a cure. That's... a monstrosity. It's wrong. She… wouldn't want that."

"And how would you know what she wants? Are you a mother? Can you tell how a mother feels? Maybe she just wants a few more years to be with her daughter… to see you grow into adulthood. But you'd let her die because you'd rather have your boyfriend alive? A boyfriend who doesn't even want to live anymore, anyway?"

"He's not my…" I sigh. "Why are you trying to confuse me? I know what he's doing is wrong… for everybody. He's invoking dark magic and hurting people who love him to do it, so… it can't be right. It can't be! And since he's doing it because of me… it's my responsibility to stop him!"

"And how, exactly, are you planning to do that?" she asks.

"I don't know... I thought I'd talk to him… ask him to stop. Tell him I don't want him to do this."

Suddenly, I realize just how childish that sounds, and I feel a bit embarrassed. Of course… things just can't be that simple… can they?

"You think he'll listen to you?"

"I don't know… maybe he will."

"And if he doesn't?"

"Then I'll have to find some other way."

"What other way?"

"I don't know! Why are you asking me this?"

"Answer the question!" she insists, raising her sword against my neck, menacingly. "What would you do, in order to stop him?"

"Whatever it takes!" I yell, almost without thinking.

Then, her eyes narrow. She sighs, lowers the sword, and gives me a long, meaningful look.

"Exactly."

Suddenly, I freeze.

Is she implying…?

"What… are you saying?" I mutter. "You think I…?"

"You foolish girl," she says, staring at me with intense, severe eyes. "Did you forget what your role in this story is? You think you're a savior? A giver of chances? You're not! You're the one who's supposed to kill him! He was meant to die by your hand from the day he was born. All his lives had led to this end. And you think a powerless girl like you can change this destiny? Even he, who is the most powerful being alive, had to put all his effort, use all his power at a great cost, in order to twist that fate even a little… and he did it because of you. His last wish was to spare you from that fate. He's sacrificing his life willingly to release you from the burden of killing him, and to save someone dear to you instead. It's the most selfless thing he's ever done for anyone, in any life. And yet… you want to deny this to him?"

That baffles me for a moment. A train of thought that I've been struggling with since I learned the horrible truth about what he was doing, but I never even let scratch the surface before, never even let myself think, suddenly appears in full strength, overpowering me. What... if she's right? Were we really doing the right thing by trying to stop him? What if there's really no way to prevent him from dying, but at least by doing this, he gets to die the way he wants? Am I just trying to deny him of this last wish?

Is it wrong to be doing this?

Also... there's my mom. I don't want her to die either… and what he's doing, if it works, could possibly save her.

Suddenly, all the reasons I've been giving myself to do this start to feel not good enough. For a moment I'm petrified, not knowing what to say or what to do.

"Go home, girl," she says, in a resigned tone. "This is too much for you. You don't even know what you want, nor what you're doing. You don't know... anything."

"You're right," I mutter. "This is too much. I don't know what I'm doing, I can't even pretend to make sense of this anymore, but... I know one thing. I know what I feel... why I can't just leave, no matter all the reasons that tell me I should."

She just looks at me for a moment.

"And what is it that you feel… Daidouji?"

I feel myself blushing, because suddenly it's too much to be having this conversation with my old math teacher, who also happens to be his former lover. I just stare at her for a moment, unable to get the words out of my mouth.

"You can't say that either… can you?" she says, perhaps a bit scornfully. "You're such a child. You talk about saving him, and yet you can't even say that out loud?" she snorts. "Does he even know?"

"I'm… not sure," I stammer. "Maybe."

"So… is that what you're here for… Daidouji?"

I'm startled for a second, because… maybe it is.

Maybe deep down, I've known all along that there isn't really much I can do to stop him, or to change his destiny, but I still want to see him one more time before he dies… and tell him.

Is that it?

"I... I love him," I finally say; and it feels so utterly weird to say it out loud just now, to confess such a thing in front of this woman, and at the same time… of myself. It feels weird, but also… strangely liberating. "I can't believe the first time I'd ever say something like this out loud would be in front of you, but... it's true. I don't know how it happened, but... it did. Even if our time together was short, he managed to become really... important to me. He made me feel things I haven't felt since... But then, he went and wiped my memories, and I didn't even have the chance to figure out what I felt, nor tell him. Look... I know there's little chance that I can save him, I'm not stupid. But he means too much to me to just let him go like this. I have to do something! I need a chance to see him again, at least once, and tell him how I feel. I can't let him make this choice without knowing that."

She just stares at me for a moment, her gaze dark and inscrutable.

"That is... touching," she says. "And honest too… I can tell. But, it's not enough. Your heart has opened a little… but still not enough to see the truth."

"And what truth is that?" I say, feeling utterly desperate and frustrated, as tears start welling in my eyes. "Why don't you stop playing mind games, and just tell me? We're wasting time here, while he's alone in there trying to get himself killed! So, what truth is that? Do you even care about him? Are you bitter, because I'm the one who's supposed to be this goddamned goddess? Because I never asked for this! I don't want it, and I would give it to you in a heartb-"

Her eyes narrow for a second, and before I realize it, the sword hits me on the ankle, and it makes me fall back to the ground.

I yell, grabbing my ankle in pain, and then look up in anger at her formidable figure, who is now towering over me.

Could there be some sort of… hurt in her eyes?

"You foolish girl," she says. "You think I'm jealous of you? You think I'm doing this for something as petty as that? The reason why I won't let you in, is because there are forces at work inside this house that would destroy a weak mind, a mind that is not clear with purpose... like yours is now!"

That leaves me astonished.

"What? But… his magic has never hurt me before… I know it won't hurt me now."

"Oh, that's precious. Maybe it didn't hurt you physically… but it did mess with your head quite a bit… didn't it?"

Touché. I can't say it doesn't hurt, to be reminded of how little my mind has held against his powers. He wanted me to forget, and I forgot. But then… why did I remember tonight?

"Then… are you here to help me?" I ask. "Please, don't hit me with that sword again! I just need to understand what's happening!"

"What's happening is, I keep asking you one question... and you keep failing to answer it. Why are you here… Daidouji?" she says, staring at me seriously. "This is your last chance."

"I told you… I'm here because I love him."

She just sighs.

"Go home, girl."

"Wait!" I say, getting up on my feet again.

"Look, I'm getting tired of this. If you won't go willingly, I will cast you out. I can do that, you know? Maybe his magic won't harm you… but mine will."

I groan in frustration. I'm obviously not handling this well. She's expecting something else, not my clichéd, yet heartfelt answers. And if I have to be honest with myself, I'm not so sure of why I'm here anymore. I know I want to stop him from doing something terrible that will destroy his life, but… isn't that what he wants? Do I really have any right to decide what's best for him? And yet, at the same time… isn't that, exactly, what he's been doing with me, what he has been doing all the time? Deciding what's best for me... without even asking me what I want, or what I think?

Because… this is no longer his fate; it's mine too. If I'm supposed to be this goddess, if I'm the one who will supposedly grant his wish, I have something to say about this as well. This isn't something that should be decided by one of us without the other.

Then, I realize something, and it's as if a bolt of lighting has struck my mind.

Your heart has opened a little… but not enough to see the truth.

What truth? The truth. The one I've been avoiding, the one I don't want to think about. The one I have to think about, because it's not going to disappear just because I refuse to acknowledge it. Just… the opposite.

"So… what will it be?" she asks. "Are you leaving?"

"No, Mizuki-san," I finally say. "I told you... I'm not leaving. I can't really leave… can I? And not just because of my feelings for him. There's another reason… but you already know that... don't you? As you also know that you can't really stop me from walking through that door."

"What? What nonsense is that? Ever since you came here, I've been stopping you."

"No, you've been doing something... but stopping me is not it. And I think I finally understand what it is. So, please… ask me again."

"What?"

"The question. Ask me one last time, and if I fail to answer again, you can cast me out. Do whatever you think it's necessary, I won't oppose."

She stares at me, a strange, somewhat somber look in her eyes.

"Okay... for the last time. Why are you here... Daidouji-san?"

"I'm here... because I'm meant to be here," I answer. "Because it's hitzusen. Because there's no other place I could be right now. I'm here… because I have to kill him."

There's a moment of silence between us.

"Finally," she says. "You're starting to understand."

"Then, step aside… Mizuki-san."

"Not so quickly," she says. "You think you're ready? You think you're so smart, because you gave me the answer I wanted to hear? You don't believe in your own words. Deep down, you still think you're some kind of heroine, coming to save him. But as long as you don't fully understand and accept what you are… what your role in this is… there's no way you're going to walk through this door."

"Then... try and stop me," I say, staring at her defiantly as I move towards it.

Then, I feel a sharp pain in my throat, as the surprisingly cold and pointy end of the sword breaks through my skin, just barely, but still enough to hurt quite a lot. I freeze. I feel a warm, thin thread of blood running down my neck… and then, I realize in horror that her sword has changed. It's no longer a wooden, training sword… but a proper steel katana.

"Okay then... enough warmup. Let's be serious now, shall we?" she says, her eyes glimmering with determination. "Are you ready to earn your entrance? Defeat me… and then you can go in."

Then, she mutters some words, and a second sword, almost identical to the one she has, appears in her other hand. She throws it at my feet.

"To give you a fair chance. But I'm warning you… I'm not playing anymore. These are real steel katanas, which I'm very proficient at… and I won't hold back. Do you still want to do this?"

"Yes," I mutter, grabbing the sword from the ground with trembling hands. It's heavier than I thought, and I realize I have absolutely no idea of how to use it. "I told you... I'm not leaving. So, if you want me gone… you'll have to make me gone."

"You think I won't?"

"I think you can't," I say, staring at her defiantly. "If it really is my destiny to be here… then you won't be able to stop me."

"So... you believe in hitzusen now?"

She's staring at me, and I realize it's now or never. My next step is indeed a very dangerous one, but it's the only thing I can do that could give me a chance, so... I will have to do it.

"It doesn't matter what I believe," I say. "You believe in it. If you're certain that this is all true and I am this goddess, then you know there's nothing you can do to stop me, so, why even try? But if you have even the slightest hint of doubt; will you risk hurting, or even killing an innocent person? I don't think so. You might be tough, Mizuki-san... but you're not a killer. So, it doesn't matter which one is the case. Either way... you won't hurt me."

"You're assuming too many things here, Daidouji," she says, sourly. "You could be wrong. I might not be the kind of person you think I am... nor care about your innocence as much as you think I would."

"Yes... I could be wrong. But, both Eriol and Sakura have trusted you in the past... and I trust in their judgment. If you're here, it means he put you here, or at least allowed you to be here. And he would never do that if he thought you would hurt me."

I say these words, trying to keep my voice firm so she doesn't realize it's all just a big bluff; because in truth I'm not really sure about anything, and everything seems just so surreal, that for a moment I think I must be dreaming; this can't be really happening, this isn't me, standing before my old math teacher, holding a sword I don't know how to use and taunting her into attacking me in order to stop a dark ritual that's going to kill someone I barely knew a few months ago, and who now has become to me…

God, when did my life become so bizarre?

"You really trust him that much?" she says, getting into attack position. "Enough to bet your life on it?"

I gulp.

"Yes."

"Then let's put that trust to test, shall we?"

Suddenly, so fast that I can't even see it, she pounces on me. I barely manage to gasp as I try to stop her sword with mine, and the last thought that crosses my mind is that maybe I was wrong, and this has been a really bad, bad idea.

…

[The day before]

.

Haneda Airport, 9:23 PM.

A tall, young, yet tired-looking figure walks back and forth through the Arrival Hall, smoking one cigarette after another and looking amongst the passengers from some international flight who have started coming through the gates. Finally, he seems to find what he's looking for; and his face lightens a little and a tiny smile draws on his lips as his eyes stare at the red-haired, attractive woman in her thirties that has just appeared among the crowd.

"Welcome," he says, approaching her, the smile on his face widening.

She just stands in front of him, blinking as if in shock, and staring at him for a moment.

"My God, Eriol… you look awful."

He chuckles a little.

"Well, you're not looking so hot yourself, either."

"Hey!" she says. "I was on a fifteen-hour flight. What's your excuse?"

He looks away and sighs.

"I've just said goodbye for good to someone I love."

She stares at him for a second, a gleam of compassion passing through her eyes.

"Oh… I'm sorry. That really sucks. Come here," she says, opening her arms.

With a bittersweet smile on his lips, he walks towards her and hugs her, and she hugs him back, and for a moment everything feels a little better for him. Even if she's not the one he loves the most anymore, God, this is still Kaho, the first love he's known in his life as Eriol Hiiragizawa, and still means a great deal to him. It's a tiny miracle, to know that even in the darkest of hours there's still someone like Kaho in this world, someone who will always be there when you need her, who wouldn't hesitate to jump on a plane and fly all the way from England, just to help.

"Thank you so much for coming. So… how was your flight?"

"Horrible. Turbulences and crappy movies. But I think that's enough for chitchat, isn't it? You made me come here for a reason, Eriol. You said it was urgent, but wouldn't tell what it was over the phone, so, you better start talking now."

"Sure. Of course, I'll tell you. But not here. Let's go somewhere else, where you can freshen up and we can have a proper cup of tea and maybe something to eat. That way you'll hate me a little less… when I tell you."

Her eyes narrow when she hears this.

"I don't think I like how that sounds, Eriol."

"Come on. You came all the way from England; bear with me just a little bit more. I got you a hotel room. I would offer you my place to stay, but right now that might prove a little inconvenient."

She just grunts in resignation as he grabs her luggage and starts walking.

…

[A little while later]

.

The two figures are sitting in comfortable-looking chairs, in what looks like a nice, fancy hotel room. There's a coffee table in the middle, a serving tray with a platter of cold sandwiches, a tea pot, and two cups.

"Okay…" he says, staring at the woman across the table as he pours some tea into both cups. "I don't even know how to start telling you this. To make a long story short… Kaho, I… I've found her."

For a second, there's silence in the room.

"You found-?" she mutters. "You mean… are you sure?"

"Yes… I'm sure."

"Oh my God… So, does this mean you're going to…?"

"I don't know what it means anymore. Things got… more complicated than I expected. She wasn't… she's not what we thought she would be."

"What do you mean?"

"She's not a goddess, Kaho. She's not some mystical being, older than the world itself and with powers greater than mine. I didn't find her by studying the old texts, or by doing some complicated ritual. I found her at a bar, drinking tequila. At a bar, do you understand? She's not even magical, Kaho... she's just a human girl. After all these years of hitting the books, translating runes and doing all kinds of complicated research… the irony is not lost in me, believe me."

"She's… human? But, how can it be? You must be mistaken. Maybe you just want to believe it's her."

"No, I'm not mistaken. It's her. I know it… in my heart. Also… there were confirming signs."

"What signs?"

"Well… I saw it, in my dreams. Yuuko was also there. She appeared before me… and showed me my own death by her hand. It's her… I have no doubts. But then, can you see my dilemma? She's just a human girl. I just… I can't go through with this… The role she has to play in my destiny… will destroy her life. So, I had to put everything on hold."

"What? Wait… what do you mean, put it on hold? Have you… renounced your wish? That one you wanted more than anything? The one you've been working for centuries to see granted, despite the suffering it caused to countless people? That wish, which was the very reason why we couldn't stay together? You're telling me you've renounced it… because it might upset one girl's life?"

"I don't even know if I can 'renounce it'… but… yes, if I could… right now, I would."

There's a long pause before she speaks again.

"Oh my God, Eriol… you've fallen for this girl… haven't you?"

The question is too straightforward, and he doubts before answering it, because of the history and such. But then, he remembers Kaho has always been honest with him. She deserves at least an honest answer.

"Yes."

There's a moment of silence, and then, the female voice speaks again.

"Is she the one you've just said goodbye to?"

"Yes."

There's a sigh on the other side of the table.

"I'm… I'm sorry, Eriol. It shouldn't… have to turn out like this. This is just… twisted… and cruel. You deserved a chance to be happy."

"Do I?" he says, downheartedly.

"Yes… you do. But, I don't understand… what are you going to do? I mean... this is hitzusen. It's supposed to happen, no matter what. It's not like you can stop…"

"I know… that's why this is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. I'm not even sure if I can do it… but, I have to try. And I think… I might have found a way. It's going to be dangerous, but…"

"Wait, wait, wait!" there's a hint of alarm in her voice. "What are you trying to say? Eriol, think about what you're saying! I mean, really think about it. You know it's forbidden to mess with the rules like this. If this… girl… is supposed to do it… then that's her fate. You can't go around changing people's fates with magic… you know that! You already did that once… did you forget? Did you forget the consequences it had... and how many people were affected by it?"

"I know. Countless," he says, crestfallen. "I didn't forget anything."

"Then, think about that! I understand that you love her, but to save one person, you could be risking thousands… You can't do that. Not again. You don't have any right!"

He sighs.

"I know I don't. The only reason why I haven't done anything yet, is because I was still trying to work out that part. I merely bought myself some time… but that time is running out. Things will be set in motion again soon… I can feel it."

"Then, why don't you just keep doing that? I mean… buying time. You've found a way to pause things, right? Why not keep pausing them for a while longer… years, maybe? Give her time to live her life, and unpause them when she's old… or never. If you've truly forsaken your wish, then… why not? You could just come back home… and live your own life too."

He sighs.

"No... I can't do that."

"Why not? You would be buying time for her too, not just for yourself… and there's no reason why you should stay here all alone. Come back to England. You'll be just as miserable there as you are here… but at least there you'll have some friends."

"I don't have any friends."

The woman in front of him glares.

"That's offensive, you know?"

A bittersweet smile draws on his face.

"I'm sorry. I meant, besides you. You're a good friend, Kaho, the best I could ever have, and it's good for me just to know that you exist in this world. But… you don't understand. You have your home, your job, your life. You have passion for so many things. I… don't have any of those things. I don't really have a place I can call home. I don't have a life I want to live. I've already lived the longest life ever… and it was harsh, and lonely, and painful, and I'm tired… so very tired. So, no. I'd rather get this over with now."

There's a moment of silence on the other side of the table, and then…

"Dammit, Eriol!" she yells, placing her cup on the table bluntly, startling him. "Why does everything always have to be about you? All that ever matters is you, and Clow Reed, and your long sad life, and your damned wish? Haven't you learned anything from your mistakes? No home, you say? Then, what are Nakuru and Spinel? What about their home? What about their feelings? Are they nothing to you? What about the people who care and worry about you? What about me? I care if you live or die, you know? That's the very reason why I couldn't be with you anymore! So, why don't you stop being such a self-centered jerk for a change, and make one decision thinking about someone other than yourself?"

For a moment, he can't say anything; he's speechless. Not only because this is the second time he has been scolded on the same day; something he's definitely not used to, or because of the large amount of truth that slaps him right in the face with her blunt words; but also, because he has never heard Kaho curse before.

"You're right. Kaho… you've been really patient with me, and I can't ever thank you enough for everything you've done. Even now… you make me see things I didn't think about before. You really are a good friend. But, please… I need you to trust me on this one. This isn't about me. This might be the first time in my life, in any of my lives… that I make a choice that is one hundred percent not about me. And I have to make it now. I can't keep delaying it. I can't keep buying time, and go back to England and live my life and pretend this never happened… Believe me, I've thought about it. It's all I've been thinking about all these past months; just leaving things as they are and going away, out of her life, long enough so that she gets to live it. But I won't be able to do it. In order to put things on hold, I had to block some of her memories, and maintaining that block is taking a big toll on me. I won't be able to do it for much longer. Despite being just human, there's something about her... her mind… is quite rare. Even through my spell, she realizes she's missing something, and her will to remember is growing stronger every day. It's giving me a struggle. Soon enough, she'll be at the point where anything could make her break through my block and regain her memories, and when that happens… things will be set in motion again."

"But then, why did you just block her memories, if you knew it would only be a complication for you? Why didn't you erase them and be done with it?"

"I… couldn't do that."

"Why?"

"Because… she asked me not to."

There's another sigh coming from the woman's mouth.

"God, Eriol… your feelings for her will be the end of her. Or worse… they will be the end of us all."

"I… know. That's why I'm trying to find a way to not let that… any of those things happen. I've thought about the most obvious one, which was killing myself… removing the danger altogether, because as long as she and I both exist in this world, this prophecy is still going to happen. But, I couldn't get myself to do it. I felt… compelled to watch over her for a while… make sure she would be okay. Or that's what I told myself. Truth is, if I died by my own hand, my curse wouldn't be broken and I'd most likely be reborn again… who knows when and how. I just… wasn't ready to face that again. This life… was supposed to be the last one. That was the only thing that kept me going."

The woman in front of him grimaces; a look of sadness and compassion appearing on her face. Silently, she searches for his hand over the table, and gives it a reassuring, quick squeeze.

"Then… what are you going to do?"

"The idea came to me yesterday, just a little while before you called me. Her mom is sick… you know? And is most definitely going to die real soon. She's miserable because of that. It's the only family she has... if this woman dies she'll be all alone. So, I was desperate, feeling so useless and powerless because, despite all my magic, I couldn't do anything to help her, because the only power I would like to have… is the one I've been denied. I thought I would gladly give up my life if it could save this woman's, and by doing so, make her a little bit happier. And then the idea popped up in my head, a strange, risky idea, but that might be just the answer I've been looking for. A spell that could… But before you called me, I didn't know how to make it work. "

"Wait… what do you mean?"

"To have you call me like that, yesterday, after months of not talking… just when I was thinking how was I going to do what I needed to do... Kaho, you know I don't believe in coincidences."

"Oh dear God," she says in disbelief. "You've made me come all the way here to help you with this… spell… didn't you? Is that what you're trying to say?"

"Yes… what I'm trying to say is, I really need your help, Kaho. I wouldn't dare to ask anything else from you again, after all you've already done for me, but… you calling me yesterday, after all this time… it was too convenient to be just a coincidence. And I know you don't believe in coincidences either."

"It was Nakuru who texted me in the first place!" she retorts. "She texted me earlier yesterday, and told me she was worried about you, and begged me to talk some sense into you! That's why I called you! And now I can see she wasn't wrong! What you're speaking about… is madness!"

"Well, I don't care how it happened. What matters to me is that you're here. So… will you help me?"

"No! Absolutely not! You have to be kidding me! Haven't you listened to a word I've said?"

"I listened. And I know you're right, but still… I have to do this. It'll be dangerous, but if you help me… it'll be less dangerous. It might even turn out okay. It might just save her… without putting anyone else at risk. Well, anyone but myself. I have to die, of course. As long as I'm alive, I'm a danger to her. But, by doing this… I will die in a different way. My death won't taint her life… it will make it better."

"I just… can't believe you. You made me drop my job and everything else to jump into a plane and come here in order to help you kill yourself in a 'different' sort of way, which could still result in a disaster for the rest of us, just because you want to save some random girl whom you happen to love now? Tell me… does that sound like a reasonable thing to ask your ex?"

"No… it doesn't. I know it's a lot to ask… and I'll understand if you say no. But, please Kaho… I need you to at least think about it. I'm not asking you as an ex… I'm asking you as my dearest friend. Which I know you are. You're the only one powerful enough to help me… and the only one I trust enough to ask this. I wouldn't ask if I wasn't desperate… but… I am. I'm running out of time. If you don't help me…"

"You're going to do it anyway… aren't you?"

"I have to. But I'd much rather do it with your help."

"Damn it, Eriol… I knew I should have stayed in England! What you're asking of me is as selfish as it is unreasonable. You'll get us all killed." There's a moment of silence, and then a deep sigh from the other side of the table. "God… when are you planning to do this… spell?"

"I was thinking… tonight."

The red-haired woman spits out all the tea she has just sipped from her cup.

"TONIGHT? I can't believe you! You tell me this, and you give me tea to cope with it? At least have the decency of offering me some bloody scotch, for God's sake!"

There's a faint smile on his face.

"Of course. My bad," he grabs the room's phone and calls room service. "You want it neat, right?"

"What do you think?!"

"Okay."

He orders the scotch and hangs up. Then he looks at her, a bittersweet look in his eyes.

"I don't know how to thank you for this, Kaho… I am forever in your debt."

"Yes, you are. And since you're going to die, you won't ever repay me. So, spare me the thank you speech. I don't want to hear it," she says, grunting, visibly upset. "I hope they bring the damn whisky soon. Actually, I think the scotch alone won't do. Hand me a cigarette."

"I thought you'd quit."

"Well, I'm starting again, okay? And it's your damn fault. Be sure to feel guilty about it."

"I do. I am guilty. I'm sorry for putting you through this, Kaho. You deserve much, much better."

"Yeah, whatever," she says, snorting, as she angrily grabs the cigarette box and the lighter from his hand. But then as she touches it, she notices the tremor in it, even if it's so slight it's almost unnoticeable. Her anger starts to fade, and a compassionate, worried look appears in her eyes.

"You're scared… aren't you?" she mutters.

"I'm… terrified," he admits, with a hint of voice.

"What will happen to you… you know… after? Will you… be reincarnated again?"

"I… don't think so. I think my soul might get lost… or destroyed in the process. I'm ready to accept any of those possibilities, although… I'd prefer the latter. But there's no way of knowing beforehand," he says, his voice a little shaky. "Anyway… it doesn't matter what happens to me afterward. That's not what scares me. What really terrifies me is the process itself… and what could happen if just one thing goes wrong. There are some really dark places… that I'm not looking forward to go back to. Also… there are a few things in this world, in this life… which will be hard to part with."

"Eriol…" she says, her eyes becoming a little bit desperate, and a little bit watery. "Please, think about this some more. There's still time. Nothing is done yet. You can still walk away from this."

"No, I can't, and also… I don't want to. I want to do it, Kaho… and it has to be done tonight. That woman might die if I wait too long. Please… don't cry. I'm at peace with it. I've already said my farewells to this world."

"Isn't there anything I can say or do… to make you change your mind?" she says, her eyes swelling with tears.

There's a sigh coming from the dark-haired guy, and the smile on his face turns a little bit sadder.

"No. But because of you… now I have hope that things might turn out alright."

…

Is this really happening?

Am I really in a sword fight with Mizuki-san?

For the life of me… how did I get myself into this situation?

It all happens really fast. I'm still not out of my shock; I honestly believed for a moment that she wouldn't attack me, but she does, and viciously so. I barely, clumsily manage to fend off her first attacks, but I quickly realize I don't stand a chance. I have no sword training, I'm not especially strong nor agile… I'm just a mortal girl with no powers, whose only talents are singing and designing clothes -both completely useless now-, trying to keep her ground in a sword fight against a powerful, well-trained temple maiden, whom I thought was a better person to begin with...

I desperately try to fight back… until I can't anymore. With a precise, forceful swing of her sword, she makes me drop mine, disarming me. I back off, stumble on some rock, and fall hard to the ground. Then, I see her pouncing on me, a fierce look in her eyes and her sword shining against the dark sky, descending on me… and I just close my eyes, terrified, as I try to protect my face by reflex; my heart pounding crazily and my muscles all tense and my jaw and fists clench as I wait to feel the sharp, cold steel breaking through my skin and bones, or -in best case scenario-, the burst of energy that would protect me… but none of those things happen. For a second, nothing happens... at all.

Slowly, I open my eyes again, and I see Mizuki-san's face, staring at me as if she was petrified, frozen in time; the sword end hanging just a millimeter from my neck...

I'm alive, I barely manage to think, and I dare to start breathing again. Is this magic?

Did he stop her?

But then, she moves. She backs away, stares at me for a moment with a frown on her face, drops her sword to the ground, and then… she snorts and offers me her hand. More than a bit shocked, I hesitate for a second before I grab it, and she helps me up on my feet again.

Even though my legs are still trembling, I try to recompose myself and face her.

"Why..." I say, my voice still shaky. "Why did you stop? You... were winning."

"Of course I was winning," she says. "You never stood a chance against me. And no, before you start with all the romantic fairy-tale crap, it wasn't his magic that stopped me, nor his pure, unsullied love for you that protected you. I stopped because I chose to. Because I've already got what I wanted."

"What…?"

"I've seen your heart."

That makes me a little off-balance.

"My… heart?"

"Yes. It's one of my abilities. I was a priestess at Tsukimine Temple, remember? Given the proper circumstances, I can see through people's souls, and read their destinies. And just now… I saw yours. Now, I know you can be trusted… even if your real purpose is not what you think it is."

"You... saw my destiny?"

"Yes… well… kind of."

"What did you see?"

"That… I can't tell you. Even if I was allowed to, which I'm not… what I saw was… unclear."

"You mean… you didn't clearly see me kill him."

"That's... not relevant now. What's important is that... I've decided I'm going to let you pass. But first, I need to tell you a few things."

"You'll… let me pass?" I mutter, almost unable to believe her. "Really? But then… were you really here to test me?"

"No. I was here to stop you. He foresaw that you would come as soon as you regained your memories, and he knew the kekkai wouldn't stop you… because, just as you correctly assumed, a barrier set by his heart in order to save you would never harm you. He thought there was a possibility that you would figure this out. So, he needed someone here, on the inside, to stop you in case you got this far."

"But, if you're going to let me pass… aren't you betraying him?"

"In a way. The truth is, I don't want him to do this any more than you do. Even if his intentions are pure, what he wants to do… it's wrong. It will put too much at risk. He thinks you're worth that risk, but I... well, forgive me if I don't share his belief. I don't think there's one person on this Earth who's worth what he's risking; not you... not your mom... not even me, if that was the case."

"What do you mean? What is he risking?"

She stares at me for a second, and sighs.

"Everything," she says. "What he's doing in there, this attempt to change destiny... You have to understand, reality is a dangerous thing to play with. So many things can go wrong, and if they do... reality could be compromised in ways we can't imagine. Things could be disastrous for the rest of us."

"Disastrous? You mean..."

"I mean, end-of-the-world disastrous. I mean, stop-existing disastrous. Everyone you know could simply disappear… or transform into something unrecognizable."

I can barely stare at her, eyes wide open, and blink.

"You're… not serious."

"I am. This… isn't the first time he's done something like this. It has happened before. Pride was always his worst, most dangerous sin. He believes himself capable of doing anything… no matter the risks. And he's risking a lot on this. I tried to warn him... but he wouldn't listen. He was too clouded by his feelings for you. So, I thought... maybe you would be more reasonable than him... and make him see what I couldn't. But, I had to make sure you understood the situation well... before I let you go in."

"Then... you're sending me in to kill him."

She stares at me in surprise.

"What...? I... didn't say that."

"You didn't have to. If you think that me killing him is hitzusen, and to try and change that is too dangerous to be even worth the attempt... then you want us to go through it. It would be the simplest, most direct way to avoid the whole reality-collapsing thing... wouldn't it? To just... make things happen the way they should. Which means... you want me to kill him."

"Look..." she says, crestfallen. "Fate is not such a linear thing. What I saw, when I saw yours... well, it was confusing, but, it gave me a glimpse of hope. I... don't want him to die, Daidouji-san. Not like this... not now. His soul might be old, but this version of him, this person we both know as Eriol, is only nineteen... and he means a lot to me. So, no... I'm not letting you in there to kill him. At least... not as a first choice. That's why I needed to make sure that you could be trusted."

"And... you are, now?"

"Not one hundred percent, but... enough. When you came here, you were full of doubts. You weren't sure of what you wanted, or even why you were even here. I had to stir those doubts in you, to force you to resolve them or scare you away, because, in that state, you were weak. You wouldn't have lasted a moment inside this house without losing your mind completely. But then, when I attacked you… your mind cleared up. People's hearts don't lie in the face of death… and yours showed. You were always a smart girl, but, what you just did… wasn't smart. It was plain stupid, it was… an act of faith. Just like when you walked through the kekkai. You thought it wouldn't hurt you… but you couldn't be sure. There was a chance it could kill you… just as I could have. But you had faith in him… and in yourself. You were willing to risk your life on that belief. The last time I've seen faith like that… was in Sakura's trial. She proved herself worthy then, and even though she had failed, I helped her… gave her a second chance. That's what I do: I'm a giver of chances. So now, I'll give one to you. What you do with it from now on… is up to you."

And then, she takes out a necklace from around her neck, that was hidden underneath her clothes. It's small, and it has a beautiful blue gemstone, and I remember seeing it on her even when I was a kid and she was teaching at my school. She hands it to me.

"What… is this?" I say, staring at it stunned; unable to move, unable to reach out and touch it.

"This is what you've earned, along with your entrance. A chance. It's an amulet, to protect you from the strong magical forces that are unleashed in there. Right now there's tremendous, dark magic at work inside this house... something you can't even imagine. Even if your mind is clearer now… I don't know if it will be enough to withstand it for too long. Human minds are weak. It'll most likely break you, and you'll end up doing exactly what you're supposed to do. Is that what you want?"

"N-no," I barely mutter.

"Then… take this with you. It's been in my family for ages; it's imbued with a powerful ward, a magical shield that protects its wearer from any magical influence. "

"I remember seeing you wearing it... years ago, when you were my teacher."

"I've been wearing it since the day I met him. I'm afraid I never trusted him as much as you do. I knew too much about who he was in his previous life… and I didn't want to give him the tiniest chance to do to me what he did to you."

"And you're giving such a valuable thing… to me?"

"I expect you to return it… afterwards. Now, listen to me. Once you go inside… you can't go straight to him. First… you'll need to find a key."

"A... key?" I say, and a shudder runs through my body.

"Yes," she says. "A small, golden key, with a sun and moon monogram. Somewhat like the one Sakura uses to summon her staff and control her powers. But this one… is more than just a magic conduit. It's also... a container."

I shudder as I hear her speak. I remember that key, of course; I remember clearly the last time I saw it, how I held it in my hand, and what it turned into…

Does she know?

Does she know what she's telling me to find?

"A container… of what?" I barely manage to mutter.

"Of possibilities. Of everything he is and could be. Ultimately… of his soul in its purest form. You have to understand… in order to be able to do what he wanted to do… he had to be at his most powerful, and for that, he needed to invoke the worst darkness in himself. Right now, he's not… the Eriol that you knew. He had to go back to old places… dark places. He had to connect with some old memories… in a way that would destabilize his mind; maybe even destroy the person you and I know. That was the first, huge risk, because, if that person was to be destroyed… he wouldn't care about you anymore. He wouldn't care about anyone… he would have just unlocked a monster upon the world."

Suddenly, a lot of things start making more sense.

"Is that… why he created this kekkai?"

She nods.

"Yes. It's not just to prevent anyone from coming here and stopping him… but also to restrain himself, to keep himself locked inside, in the case things went wrong. Can you see the dilemma here? In order to be able to do what he needs to do to save you, he has to become something so dark, so hateful, that could easily destroy you, and everyone around you. So, in order to prevent that from happening, he had to do something else first. He had to divide his soul, and lock away everything he wanted to preserve about himself… everything he didn't want to lose… seal it somewhere, where this darkness wouldn't reach it. Where it would be safe."

"You mean… the key…"

"The key is just a symbol. All I can tell you is that it opens a door... a secret door. Right now he doesn't remember that door, he doesn't remember much of what makes him be Eriol... maybe not even you. All he remembers is pain, hatred, and death. He wants to end it. He's left enough evidence to convince himself that the only way to do it is through the ritual. So, if you want to have a chance to save him, you'll have to find that door, and restore to him what he's ripped away. Turn him back into what he is. Otherwise, he won't listen to you. Moreover… he might easily hurt you… or even kill you."

"But... isn't he doing this to save me?"

"He was doing it to save you. I'm not sure he remembers that anymore. I told you… he's no longer the Eriol you and I know. He's something else now… something older… much older… and much less human. He did love you, but right now, he doesn't remember love. All he remembers is hatred and pain. All he does now, he does for himself. And he'll destroy anyone who tries to stop him."

"Did he know… that this was going to happen to him?"

"Yes."

"And yet… he did it anyway."

"Yes."

"Is that why he put you at this door? To stop me… from going in there?"

"To protect you."

"But you'll let me go in there anyway."

"It's not my choice to make. It's not his choice either… it's only yours. You can walk away, if you want to. I won't stop you. Now that you know how things are… are you still willing to walk through that door?"

"Yes," I say, gulping. "I am."

"Then… hold on to it," she says, as I finally grab the small necklace from her hand and put it on. "Wear it at all times. Don't you ever take it off. It might be the sole thing that saves you. And for God's sake, don't try to confront him until you have the key. With any luck and this amulet's help, you might pass unnoticed… long enough."

"But, what about you?" I say. "Mizuki-san… you'll be left here without protection."

"Don't worry about me. If you succeed, I won't be in any danger… and if you fail… no amulet in the world would be able to protect me."

"Then… come with me," I ask her. "Help me stop him. Two of us will have better odds than one."

She just smiles –although it's a somewhat bitter smile-, and shakes her head.

"I can't. There's only one necklace, and… even if there were two… you're the one who has to do this. You're the goddess… not me. Also… I have to stay here. I have another job, besides guarding this door. I'm the last resort… in case things go wrong. If you fail to stop him, and his spell goes amiss… the kekkai won't hold, and I already told you what could be the consequences. So, I'm here to make sure that doesn't happen."

"Then… that means I can't fail."

"No, you can't," she says. "But if you do… then you'll have to make a hard choice too. And you know what it is."

"I won't-!"

"You will," she says, staring at me severely. "You will… or there might be no world to go back to. Do you understand?"

I just stare at her, petrified, and gulp. But I do. I do understand.

"Yes," I say.

"Good. Go now. Be a goddess. Oh, and, Daidouji-san… remember: sometimes, in order to overcome a horrible truth… you need to be able to embrace it."

"Thank you," I say, and I really mean it. "Mizuki… sensei."

…

As I open the door and set a foot into that house of shadows, there's only one thought going through my mind.

Please, don't die. Please, stay alive… just a little longer.

I close the door at my back, and I suddenly find myself engulfed by darkness. Inside the house, everything is pitch black and silent like a tomb; and for a moment I don't know what to do, or where to go. One step, two steps... I move like a blind person would in a wide and unknown place, with no cane and no familiar voice to guide me. Cautiously, I feel my way through the walls, searching for some light switches, but once I find them, they are, of course, useless. I understand then that this darkness that surrounds me isn't just a mere absence of light, isn't something that can be conjured by simply turning on a lamp or a candle. This darkness is like an entity in itself; something real and corporeal, like some thick, black haze that surrounds me, like a creature without a body but many tiny hands that grab me and try to keep me from where I need to go. It feels as if it's almost… whispering in my ears, and all around me, in many, many different languages and voices, trying to tell me something really urgent, really important… trying to drag me somewhere... but they're almost inaudible, like a murmur, and I can't understand a word they say.

Also, it's… cold. Despite being so warm outside, inside the house it feels… freezing, in some eerie kind of way. Like the cold of the grave. As if this oppressive darkness that envelops me and clings to my skin and whispers in my ears, was also sucking all the life and heat from my body.

Is this darkness… his?

It feels utterly creepy, and every fiber of my body starts screaming with a sudden urge to go back, to walk away; to get as far as I can from this place, and never set a foot on it again. As if the house itself is a giant monster, ready to devour me, and I'm just walking into it like a willing prey.

But then, I notice a dim luminosity emanating from the necklace Mizuki-san gave me, which manages to dispel a bit of that darkness, and -even if only barely- allows me to see my own body, and a bit of my surroundings. Strangely, the thing doesn't really seem like it's glowing or creating light of any kind; more as if it was, somehow, pushing the shadows away a little.

It's an amulet… to protect you from the strong magic in there.

To protect me… from him?

It feels awful to even think it, to be wearing that thing, but she told me it was necessary, and I believe her; although maybe not in the way she might expect me to. Despite her test, and the fact that she has let me in and even helped me, I realize that her trust in me has to be really scarce. Does she really believe I have a chance to change hitzusen? What is that fate she saw, and wouldn't tell me? Was she was just fooling me, or perhaps even herself, by letting us both believe that I have a chance to save him; that in truth she knows my fate is one and unavoidable, and she merely hopes to help me stop him from doing something that would put everyone in danger… by any means necessary?

If you fail… then you'll have to make a hard choice too. And you know what it is.

And yes… I know.

But I haven't failed yet. And she has given me some precious bits of information, and an amulet that could be of invaluable use; so… not every odd is against me. Even if it's a weak, fragile thing, like a candle flame in the wind… there's a tiny bit of hope. The choice… will have to come later.

Now, I just need to find the key. And that… I know exactly where to find.

After my encounter with Mizuki-san, things are starting to get clearer and clearer. Everything is falling into place. All the elements from the dream are here: the house, the engulfing darkness, the white dress, the key… the secret door that needs to be opened no matter what... I'm finally understanding it, to an extent that maybe even she hasn't realized. In a moment of clear awareness, as I stepped into the house, I've understood that this thing he's doing is not really an attempt to change hitzusen... it's it. By breaking the rules, trying to change his own destiny and mine… he's actually creating it. He's creating the reality he wants to avoid.

A shudder runs through my spine.

How could he not see it? How could he not realize what hitzusen really is? A self-fulfilling prophecy, something that the more you struggle to prevent, the more you'd end up trapped in? But, if I'm right about this… how can you fight something like that?

The answer appears to me then, as crystal clear as water.

You don't.

If fighting it isn't possible, if rebelling against it will only make it worse… maybe it's not about fighting it. Maybe it has to be something else. But, what? The only other option is... not fight it.

Sometimes, in order to overcome a horrible truth… you need to be able to embrace it.

But then… does that mean that our only chance to be spared from such a destiny is to be able to accept it, to embrace it completely? What kind of horrible, self-contradictory thing is that? Maybe… this is somewhat like when you're sinking into quicksand, and you struggle to get out and you only get to sink even deeper, but… if you manage to calm down, and accept you're up to your neck in mud and shit and you're most likely going to die, and make your peace with it and stop struggling… then you might start floating, and might even… get rescued?

I realize I've already sensed something like that, that morning before he wiped my memories. It seems absurd, but suddenly I understand, -or better said, feel with overwhelming strength- that if I want to have a chance to overcome this destiny... we might have to go through it. We might have to sink into it up to our necks; look at it right in its ugly face. I will have to accept it and be there, where I'm supposed to be, when I'm supposed to be. I will have to find myself there… and then, maybe, I will have a second to choose, if that choice is even possible. To sink even deeper… or to float.

I just hope that, when that moment comes, I will choose well.

So, despite what Mizuki said to me, I go directly to him. I know where the key is, so there's no point in looking anywhere else. And I also know I have little time to spare. I can't waste a single second.

Illuminated by the faint glow from the necklace, I walk into that suffocating darkness, doing my best to ignore the strange feeling I have of being tugged and whispered at by it… towards the one place where I know he will be.

The study, of course. I mean… the hidden one.

Inside, there's a compendium of everything he's ever been; of everything he's ever done, of everything he's ever suffered. There's no better place to invoke the darkness of all his previous lives, and I know without a doubt that he will choose it to perform the terrible deed.

So I hurry up, stumbling and feeling through the walls and running over things in that terrible dark, until I find the place I'm looking for. Until I'm standing in front of that big, carved wooden door with no doorknob; that door that can only be opened by magic.

Magic I don't have.

So… what am I supposed to do now?

I remember the time when he showed me that door. He just laid his hand on it, and it started to shine, and a mahoujin, his magic circle, appeared on it in a bluish light, and then, the door opened. Of course, I can't do anything like that, but… I do have an amulet that counteracts magic.

I wonder if...

Breathing in, I press my hand against the door. Nothing happens. No lights, no… anything. Underneath my hand, it just seems like an old, heavy, engraved wooden door with no doorknob.

Then, I push a little. The thing is really heavy, and it doesn't feel like it will move at all. But still, I push harder. It doesn't budge. Then, I put both my hands on it, and push even more, applying all my strength to it.

Nothing. At all.

I start knocking on the door.

"Eriol… let me in!" I call. "I know you're in there! I need to talk to you! Eriol!"

I knock on the door for several minutes, and then I start pounding on it, calling at the top of my lugs. But still... nothing happens.

It's ridiculous. Am I doing something wrong? Does he not hear me, or does he simply not care? I know he's in there; he has to be, just behind that freaking thing, just about to do something horrible… and yet I can't do anything to be there with him? Isn't my destiny to be there as well? Isn't my destiny to stop him… even if that means to kill him? Isn't this hitzusen?

Then… why?

I can't believe that I've been able to come this far, even passed through the kekkai and the armed guard, to be stopped by a door... a stupid, wooden door.

But, I can't give up. So, I keep pushing it and pounding into it for a while, becoming more and more desperate with every minute. Then, I start charging against it; bruising myself in the process and using up what remains of my strengths, as my desperation increases.

The damn door still wouldn't budge.

Finally, I can't go on anymore. In that engulfing darkness, barely illuminated by the amulet on my neck, I fall to my knees. Exhausted, I rest my forehead against the door, as I feel the burning tears that have started sprouting from my eyes and running down my cheeks.

"Please…" I whisper, defeated. "Let me in. Please… don't die alone in there. At least… let me be with you."

And then, against all odds… the door starts to move.

…

[A little earlier]

.

"Are you… ready?"

"Yes… I am. I mean… I'm as ready as I'll ever be."

"Do you understand what you have to do?"

"Yes," the woman with long, red hair grimaces, her eyes filling with tears as she stares at the pale young man standing in front of her. "Eriol, please, for the last time… don't do this."

The young man sighs and shakes his head no; he lays his hands on the woman's shoulders, as a sad, but resolute expression appears on his face.

"I'm sorry... but I have to. Time is running out, so, I need to get started now. Kaho… there are no words to tell you how much I appreciate you being here, helping me, for the last time. It means the world to me. Thank you… so much."

Tears start running down the woman's face. She stands there for a moment, staring at him, unable to say anything. Finally, she takes one step and hugs him. He hugs her back.

"Stay outside the house," he mutters against her hair. "Don't take off your necklace. And, for the love of God… don't let her go inside."

…

The door opens, and for a moment, I just stand there, at the threshold, unable to move or to speak; just staring with wide-open eyes at the eerie, unreal scene that is unfolding before me.

It's dark, but the dim light from the candles makes it possible to see. Many red candles are spread all over the place, but especially around the shape that is drawn over the floor; a shape I remember too well and can't possibly forget. It's his mahoujin; the thing that he once said represented him better than his own name.

The room has a thick, penetrating smell that seems like incense mixed with something else, something sweet and sticky I can't really grasp. The atmosphere feels heavy and overwhelming. Inside the mahoujin, in its center, there's a strange copper brazier with lit embers on it; and on the floor all around it, something that looks like… ashes. And before it, a shadowy figure is kneeling; its back turned to me, but I can hear a faint sound coming from it, something that seems like… a chant?

"Eri… ol?"

The whisper comes out of my lips almost with a hint of fear. But the figure doesn't move, doesn't break out of its trance, doesn't even seem to notice anything; just continues with its hypnotic chanting. And my hint of fear becomes more than just a hint.

Gathering my courage, I venture to call louder.

"Eriol… is that you?"

But again… there's no answer.

"Eriol... will you please stop?" I finally yell. "Please… talk to me!"

Finally, the figure interrupts what it's doing and turns around, and for a second just stares at me, and the moment its eyes made contact with mine, I feel as if my heart has frozen inside my chest. It's him, but at the same time... it's not him at all. His face looks freakishly pale, even paler than usual; his lips are ashen, almost without any color, and his eyes… God. They have turned almost entirely black; except for the irises, which are still gray, but it's a dim, washed-out kind of gray, one which has lost all depth and richness and could easily fade and disappear into the black. Around his eyes, some thin, black lines stretch over his skin, giving him a really otherworldly, creepy appearance; but that isn't the worst. The creepiest thing of them all is to find all their usual gentleness, all their usual expressiveness… completely gone, disappeared. Instead, they look glacial and inhuman, as if they belonged to a thing… not a person.

"You..." he says, and his voice sounds different too, cold and hostile. "You came."

"Y-yes," I mutter, more than a bit intimidated by this strange person I see in front of me, in whom I can hardly recognize the Eriol I knew. "It wasn't easy, but... I'm here."

"This... was long overdue," he says, rising from the floor and walking towards me with that cold gaze in his eyes. "But, I knew you'd make it."

I just stare at him, more than a bit bewildered.

"You... were expecting me?"

"Of course. It's hitzusen... isn't it?"

"Then..." I mutter, befuddled. "Why did you put Mizuki-san out there to stop me?"

"I put her for a purpose... and she served that purpose. And now, you're here for a purpose too... aren't you?"

I just stare at him, petrified.

"Well... yes. Eriol... I'm here to talk to you."

"Talk...?" he says, raising an eyebrow, and there's a hint of mockery in his voice. "All these centuries... and now she wants to talk? It's too late now. Now it's time for things to start happening."

"Centuries? What are you talking about?" I say, befuddled. "Eriol... do you know who I am?"

"I know who you are," he says. "You're the emissary."

"Emissary...? What do you mean? Eriol, it's me... Tomoyo."

"I know your name," he says, staring at me coldly. "Your name is not important. The important thing is what you are... and you're one of them. Untrustworthy... fearful... brutal... like all of them. And now, you're here to deliver what your kind has always wanted, since the first time I opened my eyes in this world. Which is... my end."

"What? No!"

"Yes. You know it's true, that was always your reason to be. To come close to me... gain my trust… and become my executioner. You're not stupid... you've already realized what this is. Even if this was arranged by other people, many centuries ago, and you had no say in it… you had a say the moment you chose to walk through that door. The other one made sure you understood what you were walking into. When you chose to keep going, you embraced it... your role in this, your fate... all of it. You did that out of your own free will… just like I told you you would."

"That's not...!" I stutter. "That's not what this is. You're twisting everything! I'm not anyone's emissary, I'm just me, Tomoyo, and I'm here because I care about you, Eriol. Because… I..." I say, but the words get choked in my throat, and I realize I can't say them. Not to this strange person who looks a little like him, but stares at me with such coldness, talks to me in such disgust. Finally, I sigh. "This whole hitzusen thing... I don't believe in it. I refuse to it! I'm only here to talk to you, to make you understand that you need to stop. Please, Eriol... I'm begging you. Stop this. I know you thought it was the only way to save me, but... I promise you, it's not. It's just... the opposite."

Then, before I have a moment to react, I feel a hand grasping my throat, fingers closing around it like a claw, and lifting me up with unnatural strength. I gasp, clinging to that hand with all my strength, hardly able to breathe; but what scares me the most isn't the hand around my neck that threatens to suffocate me… it's still the eyes. Those heartless, cruel eyes that stare at me… completely unfeeling.

"Save you?" he says. "You think I'm doing this to save you? After everything that you've done… for thousands of years. All that horror, corruption and death… and for what? Your God? Your… science?" he snorts, disdainfully. "Liar. All you ever did, all you ever do… is because of fear. You're just a fearful, ruthless creature... you don't deserve to be saved. Neither do I, but I am what you've made of me... a monster. Why would I want to save you?"

His hand squeezes me even tighter, and my vision starts turning black; but in those few milliseconds where I can't breathe and that seem to last an eternity, something catches my eye: something golden and shiny, hanging from his neck, half-hidden underneath his shirt.

The key!

It's exactly where I knew it would be; and if I manage to reach out and rip it from his neck, the odds would be on my side again. It's dangerous, but it's the only thing right now that could give me some edge, that could hold any power over him... The only thing that could give me a chance.

But...

No.

I can't do it.

He releases me then, and I fall to the floor, struggling to breathe. In a flash, I notice that his hand is stained with blood, my blood... from the small cut Mizuki's sword opened in my throat. He looks at it, and then back at me; and it's a horrible, hateful gaze the one that shows in his eyes.

"You're right about one thing, though," he says. "I'm going to change fate. Not to save you, but because I refuse to be slain by one of you. Your kind... won't ever get their wish. Now, be quiet. I'm giving you a privilege none of your kind will ever have: I'm going to let you witness the moment destiny changes... the moment the world gets cleansed."

"Cleansed...?" I barely mutter, coughing, terrified and with my body all shaken. "Wait... what are you going to...?"

He just turns back, without answering nor looking at me again as I remain there, on the floor, trying to recover my breath and watching him walk back to his mahoujin, kneel there and start chanting again, as if he has already forgotten I'm here, as if I was for him nothing more than an annoying fly.

A few moments pass before I manage to stand on my trembling legs again. My heart is thumping like a runaway horse.

What did just happen?

Was he taking on me his resentment with the entire human race?

Does he really hate me now?

But, then... if he hates me and isn't doing this to save me anymore... why is he doing it? What does he want to accomplish?

It's obvious that what Mizuki-san warned me about has happened: he's lost himself in that darkness he unleashed, and it has consumed his mind completely. But then, if he really feels nothing for me anymore, if he thinks I'm not worth saving and he wants to avoid that fate in which I become his executioner... why didn't he kill me just now? It would have been so easy... all he needed to do was squeeze my neck a bit harder, and he would be out of risk.

Could it mean that, deep down, he still feels something for me?

Or maybe... he needs me alive for some other reason?

I put her for a purpose... and she served that purpose.

I take a trembling hand to my throat, which is sore after he squeezed it; stare at my fingers, and see they're tainted red. The wound Mizuki has opened with her sword has reopened and is bleeding. It was all over his hand too, and I saw him looking at it for a second and smiling slightly, before walking back to his mahoujin, leaving me here, shaken and breathless on the floor... but alive.

Is this... blood magic?

Suddenly, I feel a shiver running down my spine. When Yue-san explained about it, we all assumed he would be the sacrifice, that the blood would be his, but... what if it's not? Maybe... that's why he has let me come this far... and why he didn't kill me just now?

No... it can't be true. I can't keep thinking like this, it's madness! But... could this all be a part of Clow's twisted plan? Not Eriol's plan, never Eriol's plan, but... Clow's?

In a second, some of the words he told me, months ago, that fatidical morning before he erased my memories in this same very place come back to me.

This is part of one of Clow Reed's plans, and he was selfish and ruthless, Tomoyo; he only cared about himself. He never worried about how his schemes could affect others… only cared about accomplishing his goals. That's who he really was… who I really was… in my previous life. He wouldn't care about putting your life in danger… if it was needed to get something he wanted.

But... this isn't him, I try to remind myself, to reassure myself. This isn't Clow, it's Eriol, even if right now he's not the Eriol that I know. The Eriol I know was a kind, good person, and he wanted to save me, even at the expense of his own life. This is just... his own spell backfiring on him. But he's still there, somewhere. I have to find a way to bring him back!

Then, I remember Mizuki's words.

The key.

I need to get that key.

She was right. She had warned me about this, and I… had totally disregarded her. I didn't want to believe her about the horrible thing he would have become, and I stupidly thought that I could just come to him and talk some sense into him, that I could make him understand…

I know better now.

I have no way to stop him. I can't overpower him, because I have no power; and I can't reason with him, because this person in front of me is no longer the Eriol that I know. It's something different, something much older and much, much darker… something so full of hatred and resentment, it has no room for anything else. Something he had warned me about several times, and I didn't want to believe existed in him anymore; the part of him that scared him, and that he never wanted me to see. And it's right here, in front of me, I'm seeing it, and I don't really know what to do with this, or what this being is really capable of.

But now I understand what my mission is with total clarity: I have to get that key no matter what, and find the door it opens. I have to restore to him what he's missing; to bring his real self back. And for a moment, I almost got it. It was right there, within my reach...

Why didn't I take it?

Maybe, because during those endless seconds while he was grabbing me by the neck, I remembered the dream, and what I did in it, and how that turned out.

If I want this to end differently, how will I accomplish that by doing the same thing?

It was only a millisecond, but I could see it happen: me ripping the chain from his neck, him becoming furious and trying to get it back; the key changing in my hands, the struggle, and before I could even realize what I was doing… the look of pain and shock in his eyes, and the blood, the blood everywhere, tainting everything. On his lips, on his shirt, on my hands, all over my white dress…

No, it's too horrible. I can't let that happen. Not again.

I realize that, as desperately as I need that key… I can't take it from him by force. Not before understanding its real power, its real meaning. The key is a symbol, she said; but a symbol of what? She didn't tell me, but I'm getting the feeling that it's important to find out. That understanding the true nature of this key could be the only thing that will prevent me from using it wrong… and ending up like in the dream.

But, then… what to do? How to get the key, and learn more about it, when there's so little time left, when everything is almost done and over with?

Then, things start to happen.

His chanting (I couldn't really tell in which language it was, but it sounded awfully old and primitive) which until now has been slow and low, almost a whisper, starts to become louder; he grabs some of the ash-looking stuff from the floor and scatters it all over the brazier, where it burns and shines like embers dust; and then he raises the hand that's tainted with my blood, and thrusts it over the flames. They suddenly grow, almost swallowing his hand as their color changes to a strange kind of purple; and the huge mahoujin on the floor, which was barely noticeable before, starts glowing with a reddish light, and all the candles around him start to shine more brightly. But even if his hand is on fire he doesn't seem to be in any pain, he just continues with the chanting, and when the flames recede I can see his hand isn't burned, but there's no more blood on it; it's as if the flames have licked all the blood from his hand, leaving it unharmed. A violent shiver goes through my body; and despite all the candles and the brazier, the room feels as if it's getting colder and colder, and I can almost feel the shadows moving around me, screaming and whirling around him and his mahoujin.

And then…

He takes the chain from around his neck, and holds the key between his hands, and I hear him chant something that this time, I do understand.

.

I call upon the powers of day and night.

Sun and darkness, unleash your might.

Release!

.

The key starts to shine, to glow in his hands, and its shape starts to change, slowly, into the form of the thing I dread.

This is it. He's going to do it. And I have to find a way to stop him, right now. But, how?

Think, Tomoyo… think!

He grabs the dagger then, with his right hand, and places his left one above the brazier, as the embers shine around it, and continues.

.

Dark Lady, Goddess of Life and Death, I call upon thee!

By thy will I have lived, and by thy will now I die.

Accept my offering. Blood of the lamb, and blood of the cursed.

Ashes, bones, soul and breath; all is yours.

Cleanse them with your holy fire.

Take what must be taken.

Keep what must be kept.

And let the rest be at rest.

.

He's doing it. I have to do something! It's now or never.

"Hey!" I yell, as loud as I can. "Clow Reed's reincarnation! Is that who you are now?" and without thinking about it too much, I grab one of the thickest books from the shelf I have closest to me, and throw it at him with all my strength.

He turns around and holds his hand up, and the book falls to the floor before it hits him. There's a look of anger in his eyes.

"You again?" he says, standing, and the candle lights sparkle around him. "Do you wish for a gruesome death?"

"N-no!" I yell. "But you do... don't you? You've called me, so... here I am. I'm the goddess you've invoked… am I not?"

His eyes open, as if he was taken aback for a moment. But then, suddenly, unexpectedly, he lets out a laugh. A horrifying laugh.

"Now I remember why I chose you among others. You're amusing. You're unpredictable enough to be entertaining, gullible enough to believe anything I tell you, yet at the same time smart enough to become a little challenge... I must admit, I had some fun with you," he says. Then, his eyes narrow and the resolute, cruel look appears in them again. "But now it's starting to get old, and I don't need you anymore. So... begone," he says, and before I can say or do anything, he raises his hand and I see a blast of red light sprouting from it and coming directly towards me. But just before it hits me, it's dispelled, as if an invisible shield was protecting me.

I feel as if my heart has stopped for a second.

The amulet.

Thank you again… Mizuki-san.

"What…?" he says, staring at me in astonishment. "Oh, I see. You're wearing that… thing. The other one just couldn't stop herself from betraying me one last time… could she?"

I just stare at him, paralyzed and terrified. I can barely imagine what would have happened to me if that attack had actually got me… and it's horrible to think he's the one who cast it at me.

"She... didn't betray you. She gave it to me… so that I would have a chance to save you," I mutter, grasping the amulet in my trembling hand, trying to not think about how weak my legs feel.

"Save me?" he says, spitefully. "From what?"

I look around myself, and for a second, I just stand there, speechless.

"From... this. From yourself. From this darkness that has taken over you," I finally manage to whisper. "Please, Eriol... let me."

"This is priceless," he says. "Haven't you realized yet, that this darkness you're so eager to save me from... is actually part of me? That this is really who I am, my real self, and the Eriol that you're clinging to was just a mask for it... a disguise? Didn't he try to tell you, literally, hundreds of times? Did he not try to warn you? Why wouldn't you listen?"

"I listened," I say. "I just... couldn't believe it to be true. I still can't. I know you, Eriol... maybe not as much as I would have wanted to, but... enough. And I know you're not this hateful person standing in front of me. I know you have a good, kind heart. I've seen it."

"That would be very touching," he says, disdainfully, "if it was true. But, it isn't... just like that Eriol that you think you knew so well. He was just a mask, a construct; everything about him, his life, his whole personality were created, designed by me. He only got to exist as a result of me stripping myself of many, many terrible memories. His only purpose, his only reason to exist, was to get us both to this moment... and that purpose was already fulfilled. I was forced to live through him... but now, I don't have to anymore. I can be myself again. I'm free."

"I... I don't believe you," I mutter, feeling both horrified and overwhelmed by what I'm hearing. "If this is true... why would you force yourself to become someone else to begin with? If all you needed was my blood... you could have taken it some other way, before. You had no need for such an elaborate ploy."

"It's not that I chose this... I was forced to. I came to understand in my previous life… why, despite how much I sought her, the Goddess would never come to me. Why my wish couldn't come true. It was because, the way I was… I was unworthy. Too tainted... too sullied for her. I understood then, that, in order to make my wish come true… I would have to become a more appealing offering to her. Something more innocent, more pure, more… capable of love. Someone who would even offer himself as a sacrifice for her, not to get something out of it, but... unselfishly. I couldn't be that person, the way I was. I needed to rebuild myself. That's why Yuuko and I came up with this plan. That's what I had to seal away some of my most terrible memories. The creation of the cards, my reincarnation in this life as Eriol Hiiragizawa… all those were necessary things. All that happened in this life was designed by us, in order to serve our plan. Hitzusen. Even him meeting you, falling for you… and wanting to sacrifice himself for you… was all part of that plan. We foresaw it all. All the necessary steps, all the possible outcomes... Your blood would have no value if it would have been taken by force; its value resides in the fact that it was brought here, by you... as a gift for her. Like mine will be now, soon. But, don't fool yourself anymore: the Eriol that you want to save doesn't exist anymore. He never really existed. He was just a made-up, partial version of me... it was me with amnesia."

"No. I don't believe it!" I say, staring at him horrified, with tears in my eyes and feeling as if a frozen claw is clutching at my chest, as I try to make sense of everything I've just heard. "If the Eriol I knew was a fake, then you're a fake too. You aren't more complete than he was. What about the memories that were sealed in the cards? You're still missing those!"

"True," he says, frowning. "But, I don't need them. The ones I can remember, I can see so clearly now... unclouded by his mind, by his disgusting... guilt. Now I'm powerful enough to do what I need to do, and even if I had them, things wouldn't look any better for you; if anything, they would be worse. Those were the darkest, most terrible memories I had... there was a good reason why I had to seal them. But since they're inaccessible now, thanks to that girl... this is as close to the real me as it's ever going to get. And it's enough to let your true feelings show... isn't it? Don't try to deny it; I see it in your eyes, just like I've always seen it in everybody's eyes... The fear, the dread, the aversion... Which means, all your heartwarming words are just that... words. Empty lies. The ones your kind so often likes to tell."

I can only stare at him in shock. Could it be true? Could Eriol just be what he said he was, and everything that happened between us just a lie, a sham… just another part of Clow's plan?

No, no, that can't be. Even if there's some grain of truth in what he has said, and isn't just a horrible lie to hurt me… everything that happened between us was real. It felt real. I've felt real, when I was with him. How would something fake make me feel like that?

No, I have to trust my own instinct. In order to overcome a horrible truth…

"No... that's not true," I finally say, trying to recompose myself, even though my voice and my knees are still shaking. "The reason why I look at you like this now... is because you're the one who's not real. You are the construct; not him, you, this version of you right now is the one that's not complete, the one that's missing something. Do you remember what I said to you when you were him, those times when you tried to warn me about this… darkness in yourself you feared so much? I told you I didn't care about who you were in your previous lives… because you were none of those people anymore. You'd become better. Now… this version of you... he made it. He had to go back to being you, to be able to save me, and someone very dear to me. You say he's you minus something; but you're wrong. He's you, plus something. He wasn't a mask, a facade for you; he had something you never had, a quality you've lost. He had empathy, love, compassion… he was a better, evolved version of you. He had to strip himself of something to become you again… not the other way around. Yes, you're him… a past version of him. But you have the potential to become him again; which means I have to help you. I have to save you... if I ever want to see him again. I have to give you back what you've lost, what makes you be him. What makes you be yourself, Eriol. The person you are now; not the person that you were," I say, feeling a tear running down my cheek. "So, in order to do that… I need you to give me that thing," I say, pointing at the dagger in his hand.

He stares at me for a second, a bit surprised.

"Even now you're amusing. You seriously think I'm going to give you the one thing that would make you able to kill me? I'm not stupid. But, don't worry... you don't need this, anyway. This will end soon... and I won't be alive by the end of it. This time... she will come. But, until then... I'll hold on to it."

"Why? If you're no longer doing this to save me, then... what are you doing here? What are you trying to accomplish?"

"Haven't you realized it, already?" he stares at me in deep disdain, as he shakes his head. "And you were supposedly one of the smart ones."

"You... want to die?"

"Will I go through so much trouble, just for that? Dying is easy... I've done it hundreds of times. What I want... is something else. Something I never had... and now is finally within reach, thanks to you."

"You want to be free... from that endless circle of death and reincarnation."

"This conversation is pointless," he interrupts me. "I don't have any more time to waste in you. Soon enough, none of this will matter, anyway."

"Please, Eriol...!" I plead to him. "If none of this will matter, then, what's the rush? At least, help me understand what's happening. It's all the same to you, anyway... isn't it?"

He seems surprised, but also a little bit amused.

"You want to know what this is? It's obvious, if you think about it for a minute. I told you... it doesn't matter if I die, or how; I'm always bound to come back. It's inevitable... it's my damned curse. As long as there is humanity... I'm doomed to be reborn, over and over again as one of you, but never really one of you. I'll be thrown into this world to be feared by you, and despised by you, and cast out by you; to fill with hate and resentment, to become the scourge of you. As long as humanity exists, I will exist, and this circle will never stop repeating itself. But, I'm tired of it now... so very tired. I refuse to go through it again. So, I'm going to make sure the circle breaks, once and for all, and this never happens again."

"What… are you talking about?" I asked, for the first time starting to become really afraid.

"Humans... are a corrupted species. A plague. We only exist to give each other pain... and to all other beings. I should have done this long ago… but my stupid sentimentalism always got in the way, kept me waiting… life after life after life… waiting for the day when it would get better. Waiting for the day humans wouldn't be cruel and barbaric to each other. Waiting for the day when people would be able to coexist, peacefully, without hatred, without... fear. But I see things clearly now... that day will never come. Things will never get better. I've been around for almost three thousand years, girl… hiding who I was... watching… trying to understand… and people are still the same vile, treacherous things they've always been. They haven't evolved. They're still hurting and killing and abusing each other in ways no animal ever did. Still causing pain and suffering all the time. And you know why? Because we're rotten to the core. Because it's just in our nature to be evil. We are demons, aberrations, all of us; not just me. I'm just a more powerful demon… with even more capability of causing pain. I'm just the embodiment of everything your kind could do if only you had the chance. So now, I'm done waiting. I know now that your kind doesn't deserve to exist… and neither do I. Our existences have only brought pain, and it's just… not worth it. It needs to stop. It's time we all have peace. Also, it's the only way I can make sure to break my course; to stop that endless wheel of death and rebirth. Maybe, when humankind is no more, I can come back as a horse, like we talked about... or not at all. Either way, there will be peace… and I will be free."

I can merely stare at him, speechless.

Is this what she meant with 'end-of-the-world disastrous'… and why she was so intense about what I would have to do if I failed to convince him otherwise?

Now, I know for real that failure is not an option. And yet, despite the seriously awful situation I am in… despite the horror and the hopelessness and the desperation… as I hear him speak, I can't help but feel a deep wave of compassion growing inside my chest.

"I'm... so sorry, Eriol," I say, feeling the tears that have started to well up in my eyes. "Is that how it feels like... to be you for three thousand years? Is it so awful, that you feel you need to do something as drastic as this… just to make sure you won't come back ever again? I'm sorry… I couldn't imagine... I didn't know that living was like that for you. I mean, it was hard for me… it's hard for all human beings, but this… I honestly had no idea. I'm... really sorry... for being so oblivious."

"Don't," he says, and for the first time, he looks a bit startled. "I didn't ask for your sympathy… nor do I need it."

"Don't you?" I say. "Then, why did you tell me all this? Why waste any time and breath explaining this to me, if I'm just another worthless human being, if you're going to erase all human life from the world anyway?"

"Because, like you said... it doesn't matter anymore. So I guess I can indulge myself for a few minutes in one of my worst, pathetic habits… which is this. Deep down… I always wanted to be understood. Feared, even hated, yes… but understood. It's an inconvenience, really."

"No… it's just human nature. Everybody wants to be understood. It's okay… Eriol," I say, cautiously. "I understand you a little better now. Life is painful for everyone, but for you, being who you are... it's unbearable. But, even so, let me ask you something... was all of it horrible and terrible? Wasn't there anything that made it worth it, living through it all? Weren't there any moments that you're glad you've lived? Don't lie to me... I know there were. I was there for some of them. I saw you smile, I saw you be happy. Those moments weren't fake, Eriol… just like you weren't. Even if you can't remember them now... they were real, and they happened because you were alive, and you were you. So, please… hand me over that dagger… and I promise, we'll find another way to make this right. I'll help you. There are a lot of beings, both human and magical outside this house, who care about you and are willing to help you too. But please… give us one last chance. Give it to yourself. One last life. I promise, not everything will be pain. Not all of us are treacherous and vile."

"Yes... all of you are. You think you're any better? Did you forget what you did to your friend, who trusted you?" he says, and it's like a slap in the face, like a very hard pill to swallow, to hear his words... because they are, of course, true. "And what she did to you? Keeping you around when it was convenient for her, ignoring how much you suffered... And what he did to her? Leaving her like that? Yes, you're all the same... selfish and untrustworthy. You all use each other. I'm no different... but at least I know it. You're not going to make me change my mind. If you cared to read the hundreds of books in this room, you'll realize I've already given your kind thousands of chances, all the chances I could possibly give. And yet, time after time, you only kept showing me the same thing: that there is no hope, that people are just not capable of change. So no... I'm too old to fall for that nonsense anymore. Especially coming from you... you hypocrite. Asking me for trust, while you're still wearing that… thing... like the other one always did," he says, staring at my neck. "How are you any different?"

Then, I realize he has a point. It's as if I was wearing my distrust around my neck. But Mizuki-san's words are still reverberating inside my head.

Hold on to it. Wear it at all times. Don't you ever take it off. It might be the sole thing that saves you.

"You're right. What I'm asking of you… is unreasonable," I say, not even sure of what I'm saying, only that my legs, all my body are trembling as I speak and that I'm praying for this last, desperate attempt to work. "But... I do trust you, Eriol. I've seen your heart. I know you're capable of change; I know you're better than this… and I'll prove it to you."

And then, I breathe in, I take the necklace off… and toss it at his feet. Suddenly, things start to happen all around me. The darkness becomes even more real and oppressive, more solid; it seems as if it has a face, a million different faces that transform into one another, and the voices that whispered around me in an unintelligible murmur become louder and more intelligible now, and they are moans of anguish and screams and words of pain in so many different languages, talking one over the other and invading me from every direction.

Kill him kill him kill him what are you waiting for please no release me evil monster what have you done who are you demon you have to die stab him please now oh god save me with fire save me save me save me save me…

I seize my head and yell, trying to shut them off. It's like being inside a schizophrenic person's head; it's maddening. I almost feel as if tiny, invisible hands are grabbing me, tugging from me in every direction, as if they wanted to tear me apart. I know I won't be able to stand it for too long.

I look up and I see him, stomping on the necklace and crushing it into a hundred tiny pieces.

"Idiot," he says then, a horrible smirk on his face as he raises his hand towards me. "Didn't you listen to a word I said? Don't trust anyone."

And then a sudden, blinding ray of blinding light bursts from his hand and flies towards me, and that's the last thing I see.

…

Stupid bitch what are you doing just end this now kill him oh god the pain I can't stand please get this over with see he's trying to kill don't you forgive never forgive the demon

"What… the hell?"

Around me, there's like a violent gust of wind, and a sound of thunder. I'm terrified, all the muscles in my body in sheer tension, as I hear the voices screaming at me and I expect the sudden, searing pain that will end my life… but once again, it doesn't happen. I open my eyes and I see him there, still standing in front of me, his hand still raised towards me, staring at me with a perplexed look on his face.

Don't close your eyes look damn it look idiot what are you doing just run away hide now

Then, he throws another power at me. But this time I keep my eyes open, and I see how it just… goes through me, as if my body has absorbed it and then released it, passing through me and ending up exploding against the wall. Somewhat, in a twisted sort of way… like what happened that time when we were signing our names in the tree.

"What is this bullshit?!" he yells.

"E-eriol…?" I mutter, a bit in shock myself as my hands loosen their tight fists.

What are you waiting for kill him kill him now kill him stupid dumb girl he's evil don't care fight forget everything just do it

Struggling to shut off the voices and release myself from the feeling of thousand tiny hands grabbing and tugging from me, I take one hesitant step towards him.

"Stand back!" he yells, throwing another power at me, which goes right through me, just like the previous ones. "What the hell is going on? Why can't I hurt you? What… are you?"

He's scared of you now the demon's scared go this is your chance you can do it I believe in you go now do it kill him now release us damn you do it now please

"It's not me," I say, with a knot in my throat as I realize, or I think I realize what is going on. "I think... it's you. It's you who don't want to hurt me. You told me once... that your powers came from your heart. And even if everything is dark in there now… somewhere, deep down, there's a part of you who still cares about me... and your powers won't do something your heart doesn't really want."

He just stands there, staring at me in utter confusion, and for a moment I think I see a glimpse of his old self in those cold, darkened eyes of him.

It's lies all lies he's evil monster kill him do it do it now no more time destroy the menace save us please

"What...?" he says, staring at me in shock. "No... that's nonsense. The only possible reason why my powers would fail before you, would be if you were... but no, that can't be... can it? No... it was all a lie! Her, a being of endless power from outside time and space... Y-you just can't..."

I just stare at him, sad and shocked at the same time, but also full of sadness and compassion. I understand what he was trying to say.

"Eriol... I'm not her. I'm just a human girl. I'm not special in any way."

"But... the eyes," he mutters, his own eyes wide open, as if he was still trying to make sense of something. "You… have the eyes. I've seen those eyes… I remember... But then… this... this is unbelievable. This is not… this is…" and then, he suddenly, unexpectedly, lets out a laugh; but it's not one of those cruel, cold laughs. It's a cheerful laugh, one that sounds almost… happy.

"Eriol...?"

"This is… perfect! Even I couldn't have planned something like this… I taught I was fooling you… but it was you, fooling me all around! And now I've called you, and you came, and... I just can't believe that you would take the form of one of them."

"Eriol… this is the only form I ever had," I mutter.

"Yes, yes. Of course! I understand now. You had to make sure. You have to see for yourself that I was ready, that I was... worthy. It was you all the time, and I didn't even... Please... forgive me for being so disrespectful. You don't know how much I've looked for you... how much I waited for this moment." Then, he drops to his knees… and extends the dagger to me. "Take it. It's yours. All is yours. My life… everything. But please, tell me that you've come for me. Tell me I did right this time. Am I... finally worthy? Are you going to grant my wish?"

I just stare at him in astonishment, still unable to understand what is he talking about, but I realize that, if I have a chance in a million to get hold of that key… this is it. For the life of me, I can't spoil it.

"Eriol…" I say, daring to give another step towards him. "Will you trust me? Will you give it to me… even if I told you I'm not going to use it the way you think I will?"

No what are you saying you stupid bitch kill him now do it do it do it release me please oh god the pain it hurts so much

He stares at the dagger in his hands, and back and me.

"What do you mean?" he says, a bit surprised. "Are you not here to grant my wish?"

"Which one?" I say, giving another step forward. I'm already in front of him, just a few steps afar. My head hurts so much from all the screaming and voices I can't stop hearing; I can't almost think, but I have to make one more effort, one last effort to withstand it, before... I stop there, right before him. I could reach out and seize the dagger that he's offering me. But, not yet. First, I need to make sure that... "Because, you no longer have only one… do you? So... which one is the one you want to see granted?"

He looks up at me, and I notice the confusion and struggle inside him.

"But, if you don't want this dagger to end my life…" he says, cautiously, "then... what do you want it for?"

To kill him kill him now take it do it for god's sake do it once and for all he needs to die come on just do it just save me please

"I don't want the dagger," I say, trying my best to ignore the voices that keep screaming at me. "What I want... is the key."

"Why?"

"Because..." I finally say, realizing that if I want to have any chance of this ending differently than in the dream, I need to be completely honest with him. I can't take it from him by force, or by deceit. "I need it... to open a door."

"What?" he says, the darkened eyes opening wide as he stands up and steps away from me, almost as if he has suddenly seen a ghost. "No!"

"Eriol…?"

"Go away! You're not her!" he yells, and before I can stop him, he raises the blade and cuts his own palm deeply with it. The dagger falls to the floor then, and blood starts to pour from the wound before my horrified eyes, and before I can manage to do anything, he shoves it over the brazier. And as soon as the blood falls on it, the purple flames in it sparkle and grow and the mahoujin starts to glow almost blindingly, and the darkness around us howls and revolves in a violent whirlwind, knocking me to the floor and surrounding him like a shell and lifting him into the air as he screams in agony, and the whole place around us starts to tremble and shake.

Yes let him burn and die destroy the monster destroy everything let him scream in pain and end the darkness now yes don't stop give it back to hell

"God, no!" I yell. "Please, Eriol, stop!"

In a desperate attempt, I barely manage to kick some of the candles and the brazier to the floor, try to erase some of the lines of the mahoujin, trying to –somehow- undo what has been done, disrupt the ritual, but it's all useless. The embers from the brazier fall next to one of the bookcases, and some of the old tomes catch on fire, which spreads quickly, but I don't care; the darkness is taking him with it, lifting him higher and higher as if it's aiming for the ceiling; so, without really thinking of what I'm doing, I shove my hand into that cocoon of shadows that engulf him and grab his hand, and yank from it with all my strength, trying to bring him back down. But it's as if some amazing force was tugging from him with so much more strength than me, that all I can do is pull so that it won't slip from my grasp. His hand is coated in blood, which starts to slide through my own hand and arm and makes it harder and more slippery, but I put all of my strength into not letting go; I somehow know that if I let him go now, then he would be truly lost, forever.

Let him go let him get lost let him die now it's over just release let us free let it all be over forever and ever and ever

"Eriol, please, stop it!" I yell, desperately, coughing as the smoke from the fire gets thicker and I can hardly breathe. "Please! Don't do this!"

But then, just when I'm losing all hope and he's starting to slip from my grasp, something happens.

"Eriol?!" A voice screams at my back, and suddenly lots of beams of different colors appear all around me. I hear Sakura's voice calling cards, and suddenly the room is inundated by light, and a whirl of water splashes into the bookcases on fire putting them out as someone taller and stronger than me thrusts an arm into the shadows that engulf him and grabs Eriol's arm, and helps me pull from it, as a freaky light show happens all around us.

Then, everything ends. The floor and the walls stop shaking, the shadows that surround him retreat, almost as if they were cast out of the room; the screaming voices are silenced, and all the candles are put out, as his body falls hard into the floor, like a dead weight.

Then, after all the struggle… silence.

I just stand there for a second; everyone just stands there, staring at him in quiet shock. Sakura's trembling voice is the first to break the silence.

"Did we… stop it?"

"Eriol…?" I mutter, kneeling on the floor besides him and holding him, shaking him a little. "Eriol? Eriol… please… answer me."

He's not reacting.

"Is he…?" I hear Nakuru's shaky voice at my back. With tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, I can merely shrug. I don't know, I don't even want to know. His eyes are closed, but his face looks freakishly pale, as if all the life has been drained from him. Even his lips have a purple tint to them. And the blood… there's blood everywhere.

"He's not breathing," Nakuru says in desperation. "For God's sake, he's not breathing!" All the others are silent and still, like statues. "Please! Somebody do something!"

"Shhhhh!" Touya-san suddenly says, Sakura's brother –who was the one who helped me grab him while the others cast their powers at the ritual. "Be quiet!"

Then, he leans into Eriol's face, putting his ear against his nose for a moment. Then he grabs Eriol's wrist, applying his thumb to it, and the other hand's fingers against the side of his throat.

"He's not… dead," he finally says, and I swear, never in my entire life I've found any words more beautiful than these words now, and I feel more tears cascading from my eyes. "At least not yet. There's a faint pulse… and he's still breathing… but just barely."

"Oni-chan…" Sakura mutters. "Are you… sure? I can't feel his presence... at all. It's like… he's not even there."

"His body isn't dead," Touya repeats. "About the other thing… I wouldn't know. But I'm not sure how long he will hold on. He seems to be in pretty bad shape."

"Then, we have to take him to a hospital!" Nakuru says. "Now!"

"I'm sorry, but… that… won't be possible." Another voice, a grave one, resounds at my back. I turn around and see its very pale owner.

"Mizuki… sensei?!"

"Kaho?"

Suddenly, a number of perplexed faces are turned to her. Apparently, I'm the only one who knew about her presence here.

"Why can't we take him?" Nakuru asks, belligerently.

"Because… I've sealed the kekkai. Right now, no one can leave this place. None of you... not even me."

…

"What the hell is she talking about?" Nakuru yells.

"Kaho… will you care to explain?" Touya says, a somber look in his eyes.

"Of course… Touya-kun," she says, a somewhat sad smile appearing on her face. "This… is something he asked me to do… in case the ritual went wrong. He was playing with indescribable forces here… so much could go amiss, that he asked me to be here, inside the kekkai, as a last resort in case things went wrong. What he was trying to do… was comparable to breaking the fabric of reality. He… wanted to change fate. There's a reason why that is forbidden… it's because it would unleash forces into the world that could easily get out control… even for a wizard as powerful as him. So, he created the kekkai to contain the possible side effects, so that they wouldn't affect the rest of the world; because one mistake, and the chain effect could tear our entire reality apart. It could destroy everything and everybody, or transmute them into something completely unrecognizable. So, when the kekkai cracked and all of you got inside, I realized something had gone wrong, and proceeded to seal it… like I promised I would. I'm really sorry for all of you… but I had no choice. We're stuck in here."

"Stuck?" Sakura asks. "For how long?"

"As long… as it takes him to die," she says, downheartedly. "Then… I don't know for sure. The ritual was somehow… interrupted, by her, and by all of you. Maybe when he dies, it will be completed as he planned it… he will have accomplished his heart's true desire, which I no longer know what it is. Maybe, if we're lucky and things worked out right, Daidouji's mother will be saved and there won't be any leftover repercussions, and all of us will be able to leave… But, if things went wrong... I don't know what will happen, or what will become of us."

"God," I say, feeling overwhelmed. "I can't believe… I'm... so sorry! This is my fault. I was useless. I was supposed to stop him... to make him understand... but I couldn't... I couldn't do anything... I couldn't bring him back! Please... forgive me!"

"You did what you could," Mizuki says. "Don't blame yourself. This was what he chose. He knew the risks. You couldn't have done anything differently."

"But you could have," Nakuru says, staring at her accusingly. "And you didn't… did you? You knew what he was trying to do all along. You knew how dangerous it was. And you helped him! I called you for help because I was worried about him, because I wanted you to talk some sense into him, and you chose to help him kill himself? Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you right where you stand!"

"Nakuru, wait!" I exclaim. "She was trying to help! She helped me get to him!"

"Oh, did she?!"

"Nakuru… neither of us could have done anything to stop him," Mizuki says. "You know this. He was determined, and he doesn't listen to anyone when he gets like that. None of us can overpower him either. He would have done it all the same, so, I chose to be where I could actually be of use, which is inside of his kekkai. If I was locked out of it with the rest of you, I couldn't have possibly helped her, and then he would be dead by now, and maybe all of us too. He's still alive... even if only barely. I know it's not much, but... it's something."

"But-"

"It's true, Nakuru," I say. "He's still alive because of her help. She gave me an amulet… that helped me get to him without losing my mind in the process. And… she gave me good advice too. It's my fault… that I couldn't make good use of them."

Finally, Nakuru backs down, letting out a growl of frustration.

"Alright, just… forget it. How do we help him now?" she says. "He's still alive… but he's not okay. He might be dying… and we can't even take him to a hospital!"

"I don't think a hospital would help, anyway… What happened to him is from a magical cause… not a physical one. I'm not even sure if there's anything…"

"No. Shut up!" Nakuru yells, furious. "Don't you dare to say it! Don't you tell me that all I can do is just stay here and… watch him die!"

"We'll… think of something," Spinel says, though his voice doesn't sound very hopeful. "If there's any way in which we can bring him back… we'll find it. In the meantime, let's take him to his room, change that blooded shirt, and put a bandage on that ugly-looking wound. So at least he'll be comfortable, and won't be losing any more blood."

"Then... I'll take him," Nakuru says. "Out of my way."

Then she walks by all the others almost solemnly, leans down beside his unmoving body, and stares at it for a second; and I see her lips tremble as she lightly strokes the side of his face. Then, she passes her strong, magical arms underneath him, and lifts him as if he was just a little child. Only then, I realize that her face is all wet with tears.

…

---

Author's notes:

I don't even know how to start these notes because it's been so long since the last time I updated, that by this point I'm mostly embarrassed. All I can do is ask for forgiveness for taking so long; I imagine most of you must have been thinking that this fic was dead... but no. I don't know if anyone is still reading (I can only hope) but even if no one is, I'm not abandoning this story and I will end it like I promised. Even if it takes me a while, because... well, I can't not do it. This story has been with me for a very long time now, and I know it won't leave me alone until I get it all out of my system.

This chapter was difficult to write. Very. More than others. Especially the scenes where Mizuki trials Tomoyo, and Tomoyo's confrontation with this... let's call it 'dark Eriol'. Don't ask me why, because I don't know. It just was.

Anyway, thank you all for reading, and I hope this chapter was worth the long wait! See you in the next one!