One life

by Nessa Yavetil

When you are a powerful mage who reincarnates after every death, you learn to come to terms with love and loss. You learn to enjoy things while they last. But, what happens when you fall for someone who makes you believe you could change your destiny? (Sequel to "Do you remember love?" READ THAT ONE FIRST!)

10. Through the looking-glass

10. Through the Looking-Glass

---

Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when you said goodbye.

(Skeeter Davis - The End of The World)

---

...

In the end, it all came down to this.

A girl standing at the end of a corridor.

She doesn't know it yet, but everything will change because of what she did. Or what she's about to do.

The moment I hear her approaching, some candles on the walls start getting lit, as if by magic, shedding a little light on what would otherwise be utter darkness.

And it's the first time I see light in… how long?

I don't remember.

The girl comes closer, stumbling around a bit in the penumbra. She seems confused, as if this wasn't what she was searching for; as if she had been brought here by mistake, and what she was looking for was something that obviously, isn't here.

But, she's not here by mistake.

I've been waiting for her, for so long now I can no longer tell. I might have been here forever... since the beginning of time. So long, time stopped meaning anything to me ages ago.

So long I can't even remember who I am, nor what I am, or why was I waiting for her arrival in the first place.

But anyway... she's here.

Finally.

For the first time in ages, the darkness around me has dissipated a bit, and I get to see some light. The walls around me stop being a vague concept and become real, solid walls made of bricks with old, colorless, moldy paint that falls to the ground in pieces at the barest touch; and I see the shape of her, her long, dark hair falling in messy waves over her shoulders, her tired-looking face, the dirty, blood-stained dress she wears which looks as if at some point has been white; and the only piece of furniture in the hallway, that lonely, dusty chair that stares back at me in disarray.

Then, she sees me.

She looks a bit perplexed… but hesitantly approaches. One step, then another, until she's finally in front of me. I see her face; it looks pale and scared… but hopeful.

I like that face. It's the face of change, of things starting to move. It's the opposite of stillness, that face; it has come to awake me from my endless slumber and stare at me in the eyes.

And she stares at me, seriously and quietly, for a few moments. Then, she reaches out to touch me.

I feel nothing. Completely nothing. At all.

As if I wasn't really here.

Maybe it's because... I'm not? Maybe I was never really here, never really awaken to begin with, and I'm somewhere else, still asleep and dreaming this whole thing, the hallway, the girl... everything?

Is that it?

Or maybe it's worse. Maybe… I am nowhere. Maybe I don't exist at all… and this is all just being dreamed by someone else.

But, who?

It doesn't really matter.

The engulfing quietness recedes at the sound of her voice; and I realize in awe how sweet it is to hear it, after almost an eternity of silence.

Still touching me, she whispers in both hope and fear.

"Yuuko… san? Are you… in there?"

I can't answer. I don't know who that is.

"Please… I don't understand," she says. "I've made it all the way to this place, where you guided me, but… there's nothing here. I can't go any further… nor go back. I'm tired, and I'm lost, and... please, help me understand. What am I supposed to do?"

Then, I realize she's not talking to me.

She's not even seeing me.

She's just staring at herself.

Which means, as I've feared… that this is not true. That this is not happening.

That I don't exist, and all of this… must be a dream someone else is having.

She seems disappointed by the lack of an answer.

I merely watch her look back to the chair, the only other piece of furniture in the hallway, still not seeing me. I hope she's not about to turn back and go away.

Please, don't…

I don't know how will I be able to stand the loneliness and darkness again if she goes now.

Then, she seems to notice something. On the chair. Something she hasn't seen before.

She picks it up.

It's an envelope.

A very old, very dusty looking envelope, that seems to have been sitting there for ages.

Very carefully, with trembling fingers, she opens it and retrieves a yellowish paper from inside it; a paper that looks as if it could disintegrate in her hands at any sudden movement. It appears to have something written on it.

She sits on the chair, facing me, and starts reading it nervously. And then her face changes. Many times, as if she was reading something really important, but far too confusing for her to understand.

Then, suddenly, she looks up at me again.

Has she seen me?

She stares at me for a moment, intently, like trying to find something that is way beyond me.

But, no... she's still not seeing me.

Then, she looks down at the paper again, with focused intensity, as if she was struggling to decipher it, to extract some hidden meaning from it. And as she reads it over and over again, she mutters random words that make absolutely no sense to me.

"Knowledge will light your path..." she says. "But... knowledge comes with a price. It can destroy me if I'm not ready. But… what knowledge?"

She seems even more confused.

"This is so vague… I don't understand. What are you trying to tell me... Yuuko-san?"

Then, she looks down at the paper, and up at me again.

"Mirrors will always show you the truth," she mutters. "But… what truth? What is the truth that you want me to see? I just... don't..."

Even if I had a voice and could answer her, I wouldn't know what to say. But she keeps staring at me, intently, as if she was looking for something and was determined to find it, and even if I know she's not really seeing me, nor talking to me, I'm still thankful for the fact that I'm able to witness this, to see her, even if I'm not real and she's not real and all of this might be just someone else's imagination.

It makes eternity less lonely, somehow.

Suddenly, after a lapse that could have been a minute or a year, her expression changes again, and her eyes open wide and her face becomes paler than the moon.

"Oh my God. This…?"

She looks down at her lap, where a big, strange-looking book is resting, and then at the shiny, golden thing that is hanging from her neck, and stares back at me in true horror.

"Is this… what you meant? Really?" she says, incredulously, as if she was expecting me to answer her. "The knowledge that will light my path… the door I need to open…? Is this what you wanted me to see… Yuuko-san?"

I just stare at her silently, unable to make sense of a word she says. Of course, there's nothing else I could have done, in the current circumstances.

"But.. what will happen… if I do this? Once it is released, it cannot be taken back. What would I be releasing? And will it allow me to leave this endless corridor… and find what I'm looking for? Will I be able to save…?"

Then, she looks back at the book, which seems to have started glowing, even if only faintly.

"Do I dare…?" she says.

Then, she takes off the chain from her neck and stares at the golden, shiny thing in her hard.

A key.

Breathing deeply, her voice trembling, she closes her eyes.

"Eriol…" she says. "Eriol, I'm here. I don't know where you are, or if you can even hear me, but… I hope you do. Eriol... I need to ask you for a leap of faith now. I think I've understood what was the secret door that you never wanted me to open... and I have the key. But... it's not enough. I need you to do this with me. What is hidden inside this is yours, so… I can't do this without your permission. So please… will you trust me? I understand now… what this key is a symbol of. Why this is hitzusen… and why it has to happen. Why this is the only way it's going to end."

She sighs and stares back at me, as if she was waiting for something.

Nothing happens.

"Eriol… this is it," I hear her say, almost desperately. "Do you trust me? Will you take the leap?"

Then, unexpectedly… the key starts shining and changing in her hand. And her face gets lit with a faint, bittersweet smile.

"Thank you," she says. A tear runs down her cheek.

Then, she fits the key in the lock on the book cover, and turns it.

The book starts glowing, and the lid pops open. And then, light… blinding light, that lets me see nothing else.

All around me, everything… is glowing.

I'm glowing.

When I can finally see something again, she's in front of me, close, very close. She's glowing too, she looks almost like a goddess… and she reaches out again to touch me, and though I can't feel anything, I realize her hand is warm.

She smiles then, faintly... and walks in.

Through me.

And somehow at that moment, I manage to get the feeling that I've seen this image before, and that in truth I do exist, somewhere, despite not knowing who or what I am. And that because this has happened, I will never be completely alone, or in the dark, ever again.

...

So… where am I now?

What did just happen?

My head hurts like hell. I remember, vaguely, wandering that endless hallway for a very long time, until I felt overwhelmingly tired. I remember finding the room where Eriol was. I don't remember anything that happened after I went in; which made me understand after I left, that maybe what was inside it was just another possible world, another possible reality I turned down in my search for the right door.

Strange, the way I felt the moment I stepped out of it. Both hopeful and sad, as if something significant, life-changing had happened while I was in there, but I couldn't remember what it was. But, it didn't matter. What mattered was that my energy was somewhat renewed, and I felt filled with purpose.

After that, there was a lot more wandering through endless corridors. But now it was no longer aimless, no longer random. Somehow, as if possessed by some sudden clarity, I realized what I had to do. I didn't open any more doors. I just kept walking in a straight line, barely looking at anything, letting my senses and Sakura's book guide me on where to turn whenever I reached a crossroads. It didn't matter how long it would take me, I knew I was going to reach my goal. I felt it. The corridors I ended up in started to look older, dustier, more abandoned with every step I took, and significantly darker. As I kept going, there were fewer and fewer light bulbs on the ceiling that actually worked… until the point where none of them worked, and I couldn't see anything anymore. It was scary, but I forced myself to keep walking, to go into that darkness. And I did, and then, unexpectedly, some candles started to get lit on the walls at my sides by themselves, as I passed, shedding a soft, almost sinister light that allowed me to see barely more than a foot ahead of me.

I took it as a sign that I was getting closer. Technology had run out, and now it was magic what lighted my way.

So, it was really a shock when I eventually found myself facing a dead end. After a while, the corridor ended abruptly, no door, no anything; just an old, dusty chair in the middle of the way, as if it had been tossed, forgotten there, and an old, tarnished mirror in the place where the door I was looking for should have been.

I vaguely remember staring at the mirror in perplexity, reaching out to touch it, pressing my fingers against its cold, dusty surface as if to make sure it was there, that it was a solid, glass mirror, and not some kind of mirage or illusion. But it was real, as real and solid as a wall could be, and it was there, showing me the end of my journey, and my own dismayed image on its darkened surface.

But then, I remembered Yuuko's words.

If you ever get lost again, look for me. You'll find me… in the mirrors.

So, with my hand still on the mirror, I called her. At first, I received no answer.

Why?

Why has she led me all the way there?

Could I be wrong?

Could this not be the place where I needed to be?

But then, when I was almost about to turn around and to go back the way I came… I found my answer. On the chair. An answer that has been waiting for me there, God knows for how long.

And it was shocking, really.

I look at the crumpled, yellowish piece of paper still in my hand. I run my eyes through it one last time.

.

RITUAL OF UNSEALING

.

Congratulations, dear. You've made it this far, overcame your worst fears and temptations, and now you are ready to find what you've been searching for. So, I give you these fundamental truths, as my final gift to you. They will help you with your search. Use them wisely.

.

First Truth: When in the dark, knowledge will light your path.

Second Truth: Knowledge always comes with a price.

Third Truth: Once it's released, it cannot be taken back.

Fourth Truth: Knowledge can destroy you if you're not ready.

Fifth Truth: To be ready, you'll need patience, courage, and love.

Sixth Truth: Pain in itself is meaningless, unless you find the thing that ties it all together.

Seventh Truth: Pain without purpose becomes destruction and death.

Eighth Truth: Pain with a purpose can create meaning and life.

Ninth Truth: Life is a circle, and a circle can only close.

Tenth Truth: Mirrors will always show you the truth.

.

This is the last piece of guidance I can offer you; from now on, you're on your own. Only when you've assimilated these truths within yourself, the answers you seek will come to you. So take your time, take all the time you need, if you still have some. Sadly, I no longer have any.

I hope you can succeed where I couldn't.

.

Sincerely,

Ichihara Yuuko.

A few hours before my death.

.

Was it true? Did Yuuko really write this on the day of her death? Were her last hours truly invested in this, in leaving some kind of message, of… last advice to me? And if so, why did she have to be so… cryptic?

I was very confused for a while… but eventually, I managed to crack it.

I think.

It was the mirror.

The only two things in that dead-end corridor were the chair, and the mirror. So, I sat on the chair, facing the mirror, and I looked at it, searching for that answer that was eluding me.

Mirrors will always show you the truth.

But all I saw there was myself, sitting alone in a dark, crumbling corridor, with Sakura's book on my lap and Eriol's key hanging from my neck.

And suddenly, things started to make sense… somehow.

Could it be?

Could it be something so simple, yet so obvious, that even if it was before my eyes the whole time I hadn't even thought about it until now? Did I have to be all alone and exhausted in a corridor with nothing but these two elements, not even the hope of ever finding that damned door, to be able to see it?

I quickly re-read the note, and suddenly, it didn't feel as cryptic anymore.

The cards.

Yuuko's note was about the cards.

It said: ritual of unsealing. Of UNSEALING!

A powerful yet terrifying realization broke down on me. It was as shocking as lightning falling on me, but at that moment I understood, I knew this was it. It had to be, because... it could be nothing else.

In order to find what I was searching for, Yuuko wanted me to plunge deep, even deeper than I already was. She wanted me to release Clow's worst memories. And not just release them… she wanted me to see them, to know whatever he had chosen to forget, to trap in them.

Knowledge will light your way.

But she had also left me some warnings.

Knowledge can destroy you if you're not ready. To be ready, you need patience, courage, and love.

Was I ready?

Did I have what it takes to face what Clow hid inside those cards?

Was I courageous enough, patient enough? Loving enough?

Well, there was no sure way to know… but only one way to find out.

I knew then what I had to do. But I couldn't do it without asking him for help, for permission first. I didn't even know if he could hear me, but I still felt it was necessary. The memories I was going to unleash were his, and not just that; they were the sole thing he dreaded the most. The thing he chose to forget, because he couldn't become himself, the version of himself he wanted to be, as long as he had them. And they were, without doubt, the last thing he ever wanted me to see.

But, against all expectations… he heard me. And he answered.

He said yes.

I don't know how I'm sure, but I am. I was there, sitting in that chair, facing that mirror, with the book in my lap and the key in my hand, calling him, asking him… and suddenly, I felt something.

It was almost like that time when I touched his hand at the park, and his magic passed through me and engraved his name in the tree's bark.

The key started shining, changing in my hand, and I knew it was him. Somehow, in some form, he was here, with me, letting me know it was okay.

This time, he chose to trust me.

So… I did it.

What happened next… I'm not so sure anymore. I have vague memories.

There was light. Blinding light. I had some glimpse of the book opening and the cards sprouting out of it like fireworks and going into the mirror. And then, everything around me was glowing, the book, the walls, I think even me…

And the mirror. Especially the mirror.

So, I stood up and approached it again. Like in a trance, I reached out to touch the glowing surface again, somehow anticipating it wouldn't be like the other time, when I just touched dusty glass. Feeling it would be different.

It was.

It felt warm and unsolid, like it was made of some liquid or gaseous material. Like it was a path, an entrance to some hidden place, some hidden world where I needed to go. And from the other side, I felt something, like a silent, yet desperate voice that called to me.

And just like Alice in her stories, I decided to follow that call, and walked through the looking-glass.

...

But now… where I am?

It takes me only a second as I manage to open my sore eyes again, to realize that I'm no longer bathed by blinding light, and I'm no longer in a corridor.

The first thing I feel is my naked feet, hurting from standing on something hard and irregular, like rocks, and as I look down to see what it is, much to my dread, I realize it's not rocks.

It's… bones.

Human bones.

I feel the blood freezing inside my veins. I want to jump away, to climb some rock or some furniture or tree or anything to just not be standing on them anymore, but there's nothing, absolutely nothing else here. Nothing but the bones, hundreds, thousands, maybe millions of them… surrounding me, in all directions, as far as my eyes can see. Some of them are not even bones… but almost entire skeletons... and half-mummified bodies. It's the creepiest, most macabre thing I've ever seen, and I feel the dread growing inside my chest as if it's about to explode. And the smell. Oh gods, the smell…

It smells like ashes and death and decay.

For God's sake, what…?

Where am I?

Did I die?

Is this… hell?

But then, I remember the time when we were at his hidden library, and he made me read Clow's journal. That passage with the dream where Clow met the goddess… it started in a place like this, exactly like this. A giant wasteland of corpses and decay, which he had to walk through to find the Goddess's temple.

Could this be...?

Could such a place really exist?

As I'm standing alone in that horrible, unnatural place, with nothing else around me for miles but death, I realize there's nothing I can do but what he did in the dream: just start walking, and keep walking through that wasteland of corpses and bones until I find anything; even if I have no shoes and I have to do it barefoot, and it's horrifying and gross and hurts my feet. There's no way in hell I will stay here. I have to move, I have to at least try to get somewhere. Anywhere, really. I would almost feel glad to be back at the corridor, if it would take me out of this nightmarish place. But there's no way back. The corridor, the mirror, everything has vanished, disappeared. The moment I chose to walk through the looking-glass, I chose to face whatever was on the other side. And it's this, and I'm here, and I only have one option now: to keep going forward.

Did you really want me to get here, Yuuko-san?

Are you actually helping me, or are you just having fun with me? Am I just a stupid puppet in a sick, twisted game you and Clow were playing?

It doesn't matter anymore.

Above my head, all I can see is a sky with no sun, with no moon and no stars; a sky that looks clouded, menacing; not dark like at nightfall, but like the way it looks when a giant storm is coming. A wind starts to blow, a cold wind; and I realize I have to get moving if I don't want to die here, and add my own corpse to the pile.

Besides me, in the ground, among the bones, I see Sakura's book. As I reach down and grab it, I realize it's empty… almost. There's only one card still there, the only one Clow didn't make, because it was Sakura's creation.

A nameless card, with a winged heart on it.

Where are the others? Where did they go, after I unsealed them?

I take Eriol's key, which is no longer shining, and hang it from my neck again. Then I take a few, hesitating steps, looking around in all directions.

Where should I go?

Then I notice that far, really far away from where I am, looks like there's something… different. Like some kind of dome. Whatever it is, the only thing that seems to make some resemblance of sense, is to walk towards it.

So, I start walking.

…

I've lost track of how much I've walked. Must have been hours. My feet are hurt and sore and filthy, and the sky has turned even darker and there are even more menacing clouds, and flashes of lighting, when I start to distinguish the shape of the thing I saw from the distance.

It looks like a really big, old ruin, that seems like ages ago was some kind of white stone structure.

Could it be the temple of his dream?

Despite my feet are throbbing in pain, I try to hurry up as much as I can. I'm so tired my heart feels as if it's about to explode inside my chest, but the storm seems almost on me, and I feel I have to get away from it, and I'm so sore and desperate that for some moments I almost completely forget that I'm literally walking over dead people.

But, after hours of what feels like an endless nightmare, I finally get to my destination, and I almost cry in joy when my battered feet finally get to stand on the dusty steps of stone. With my last remaining strengths, I manage to climb up the stairs; but once I get to the atrium on top of them I just crumble on the floor.

I can't go on anymore.

I want to cry, but I don't have any tears left in me. So, I just let myself lay on the floor, watching the threatening sky closing up and lightning furiously above me.

My eyes close and I fall asleep, or pass out of sheer exhaustion… I'm not sure which.

...

I come back to my senses sometime later, and the first thing I feel before I open my eyes is a thin thread of hope that maybe everything I've been through in the last hours has been just some kind of dream, of nightmare I'm just waking up from. Because something like that can't possibly happen for real... can it?

But the soreness in my body and feet, and the rancid smell of ashes and decay in the air quickly dissolve that flickering hope. I open my eyes, and I almost want to cry when I realize I'm still lying on the same crumbling atrium I saw moments before passing out, with the same dark, menacing sky over my head, and a wasteland of corpses only a few feet away.

It's real. It's not a nightmare. I really am in this godforsaken place.

It's probably been hours since then, though. There's really no way to tell how many, because the sky looks exactly the same as before; but despite the soreness of my body, I notice I feel somewhat less tired.

Not without some effort, I manage to get up from the floor. My feet leave some reddish footprints on the stone tiles as I walk, and I'm not sure if that's my own blood, the gruesome rests of something I stepped on my way here, or a mixture of both. I don't think I even want to know.

I need to find out where I am, that's the only important thing. I need to know if I'm at the right place, if there's any reason at all why I had to suffer the hellish pilgrimage here, and if there is some way out.

And also… I need to find some water. I'm terribly, desperately thirsty.

So I go into the ruins, searching for something... anything really. Anything that would give me a glimpse of hope, the slightest clue of what should I do next, or how to survive in this nightmarish place.

It takes a long time. I can't walk too fast due to my sore feet, and the ruin is huge and all the chambers look the same: a completely destroyed and crumbling mess. Many of them are inaccessible; many lead to passages and corridors of stone that are completely tumbledown, many are dead ends. But eventually, I manage to find a doorway that seems to lead somewhere. I walk through it, and I find myself in some kind of outdoors, gigantic garden, that seems to be even bigger than the colossal structure.

There, I see the first signs of life since I arrived at this hellhole: a few dry-looking plants scattered here and there, and some yellowish grass growing wildly in patches. I also see a path made of some old, worn-down stone that seems to lead somewhere, so, I decide to follow it. The garden itself is like an ancient, forgotten maze. All around me there are dry hedges taller than me, which form narrow passages and crossroads and big enclosed areas that lead to other areas; and in every one of them I find broken statues and pillars and half-collapsed structures. It's the same all over the place; and as I walk through it, I realize it has surely been outlandishly beautiful when it was at its prime, a long, long time ago… but now, it just feels bleak and sinister. There's something about this place that makes my hair stand on end and my heart clench… like some kind of ominous feeling that grows stronger with every step I take.

After a while of following the path, it eventually takes me to a part of the garden that looks somewhat... different. It's a big, open, circular space, enclosed by more dry hedges and a group of old stone arches that seems to be sheltering it, hiding it like a precious sanctuary from the world's eyes. But there's nothing here, absolutely nothing, besides a small marble fountain that seems incredibly well preserved, from which unbelievably enough, water still springs up.

Totally disconcerted, I get closer to the fountain, trying to make sense of it. What is this thing doing here? And what is this place? Is this really the place I needed so desperately to reach? Will I finally find here what I'm looking for?

Not really thinking about what I'm doing, I lean against the fountain border, and I realize it's not made of coarse stone like the rest of the structures in the garden, but instead of some delicate, yet sturdy material I have never seen nor touched before, but reminds me a little of opal stone. Its color is a nacreous white, and amongst so much desolation, it looks like a jewel, a monument to all that is good and pure. For a moment I just stand there, watching in dismay the crude contrast between the pristine fountain, and my own, pitiful reflection on the crystalline waters. My hair, such a blatant mess it looks like no comb has touched it for weeks; my dress, torn and so tainted with dried blood and dirt it almost lost any resemblance of ever being white; the bruises and scratches on my arms and legs, the thin layer of dirt covering my entire self, and my face… my face looks like the face of someone who has been to hell and back.

Although… I'm not back yet.

Is that... really me?

I feel somewhat shocked. I look… I almost look like I belong in this wretched place.

But soon, I stop caring about that too. The only thing I care about is the water. I stare at it, mesmerized; it looks so clean and fresh and pure amongst so much debris and dirt, that I can barely resist the urge of sinking my hands and face in it and drinking to my heart's content. I can't oversee the fact that it's incredibly suspicious that it's even here, while everything else around me is dirty and dry and dead; but my thirst starts to get the best of me, and I'm about to say fuck it, to it all.

Hesitating, I lean in, and I'm almost sinking my hands in it, when suddenly, a voice sounds behind me.

"Don't."

I freeze. I wasn't expecting to find anyone else here. Almost in shock, I turn around to see the owner of that voice.

It's…

Oh my God.

I must be hallucinating from exhaustion and thirst. Because this... just can't be.

Is that...?

"Y-you...?" I stutter.

The figure in front of me stares at me, intently but kindly. It is… it looks like… like something that doesn't belong in this world; that can't belong in this world. Like what a nymph or a fairy would look like. Her body and her face are those of a young woman, but she doesn't look young; she seems ageless, and everything about her feels… unreal. Her voice, her perfect porcelain skin, the long ebony hair, so lustrous it seems to shimmer like raven feathers in the wind, and above all, her eyes. Especially her eyes. They're big and of an undefinable, iridescent color that seems to reflect every little light around her, and gives them some kind of eerie, unnatural glow. Never before had I seen eyes like those; they seem to burn through me, they remind me of the eyes on the mask in my dream… But there's kindness in them, and for some strange reason, it soothes me to look at them.

She's dressed oddly, too. She's wearing some kind of white garment, made from a fabric that doesn't look like anything I've ever seen before. As light as air, it seems to glow; and it hangs so naturally from her it almost looks like it's a part of her, not just a piece of clothing. All of her feels more dreamlike than material, more otherworldly than human; like some kind of angel or demon that could only be the fruit of my imagination, but nonetheless is here, right in front of me; I could touch her if I reach out with my hand.

"What… why…. who are you?" I mutter, befuddled.

She just smiles.

"Don't you know?" she says, and her voice is one of the eeriest, yet sweetest things I ever heard. Like a thousand Tibetan bowls sounding at the same time, in a melodic, harmonious way. Like the sound a river does when it flows downstream.

Perplexed, mesmerized by her beauty and her radiant, yet inexplicable presence, I barely manage to shake my head no.

"Yes," she says. "You know. Look deeper… Tomoyo."

"Are you… the Goddess?" I mutter, not even wondering why she knows my name. "The one he's been trying to find in all these years? The one he thought... was me?"

She just stares at me for a moment.

"I've been called many things... none of them is important. You can call me Goddess if you want."

"But I… I can't believe it. You... actually exist?" I say, somewhat torn between puzzlement and relief.

"I'm here. You're seeing me... aren't you?" she says.

"But… how? I mean, if you're real… then why didn't you show yourself before? Why did you let him believe it was me? Why didn't you answer when he called you?"

"I did answer," she says. "Every time they called, I answered. I have helped them… many times. They just didn't know it was me… most of those times."

"They?"

"The one you're talking about... they are not one, but many. They have been man and woman. They are one human soul who lived through many lives. Many faces. Many names. Many bodies. I've seen them all. I know them all. They're not different from you... except they remember. That is their gift… and their curse."

"But, why-?" I start saying, but then, I hear a sound of steps coming from behind me. I turn around, and I see that on the same path I've followed to get here, there's someone else.

And I can't believe what my eyes are seeing.

Oh my God.

Is that…?

Yes.

It is.

Before my eyes, there's Clow fucking Reed. The person I was never ready to meet. The one who holds the same soul as Eriol, and yet seems as distant and alien from him that it's almost impossible for me to believe they're the same. The person responsible for all of Eriol's suffering, all my latest suffering, even some of Sakura's suffering.

And I just stand there, petrified, like nailed to the ground. I try my best to remind myself that this is Eriol too, or at least some part of him, but it's so difficult to make that connection when he was always presented to me as such a selfish monster.

Strangely, he doesn't seem to see me, nor notice my presence at all. He only stares at her.

He looks terrible too, almost as terrible as I look now. He has probably come from the same long, devastating journey through that wasteland of death that I have. He appears beaten down and worn and like he was at the edge of his strengths; nothing at all like the magnificent, fearsome wizard he was supposed to be. He gives a few, clumsy steps, and falls on his trembling knees in front of the Goddess. He has a sword in his hand, a katana, which he drops at her feet.

She stares down at him, her shining, unnatural eyes full of compassion and love. Then, she crouches down, until she is at the same height that he is, and softly touches his face.

"How much longer... resplendent one?" he says, his voice sounding in agonizing pain. "How much longer until I get there? I can't… I just can't go on. It's too painful. Please… release me. You're the only one… who can."

"Shhhhh," she says, lulling him, and as she leans over, with delicate hands, she cups his face and kisses the tears that fall from his eyes and wet his cheeks. "Soon, my beloved. I know of your suffering. I've watched your every step. I know your path is hard, and cruel, and unfair. Yet it is the path you chose. You'll have to endure it a bit longer." Then, she stares right into his eyes; her own seem saddened and clouded with tears. "It'll be over soon... you're almost there. But now, rest for a while. You've earned it."

Then, before I can say or do anything, she grabs the sword from the ground, and without a second's hesitation, she thrusts it right through his chest, up to the very hilt.

I merely manage to gasp and cover my mouth, staring at the whole scene in horror. He gasps too, but it's a strangled gasp, as she removes the sword and blood starts sprouting out of his mouth and chest. He falls to the ground, in rattles, and she lays his head on her lap, as a few tears flow from her eyes.

Strangely, he doesn't look pained anymore. He seems almost… happy. At peace.

"T-thank… you," he whispers, raising a shaky hand to touch a lock of her hair. She grabs his hand and kisses it. A moment later, he's dead.

The moment he expires, the sky seems to darken even more, and turbid-looking clouds surround the place where we are, more and more tightly. Some of the lighting I saw in the sky earlier starts to reach the ground, near us, making it shake and tremble and turning the whole thing into something even more terrifying.

"You've… you've killed him," I merely manage to mutter.

"I had to," she says, standing up and staring sadly at me. "Their path ends here. It always ends here."

"I don't… understand," I say, completely shaken from the scene I've witnessed. "Why did you do it? What… is this place?"

"Haven't you realized it yet? We're inside their mind, Tomoyo-san. What just happened… is hitzusen. Fate. You're seeing it because it haunts them. This moment has happened to them… many times, in many different ways. Once, exactly like this… in a dream. But many other times… less poetically… more crudely. And it will happen again, still."

"What..?" I mutter, unable to believe what I'm hearing. "You mean… this, all of this… is Eriol's mind?"

"It's the mind of the being you know as Eriol Hiiragizawa, but who is so much more than that."

Suddenly, things start making some resemblance of sense. The door he never wanted me to open… it unleashed his most terrible memories. Where could that possibly lead if not into the darkest depths of his mind? And of course he wouldn't want me to open it, who in their right senses would ever want another person to see that?

Still… I feel somewhat overwhelmed.

"So, this… is not a real place?" I cautiously ask. "Is this some kind of illusion? Am I still in that corridor?"

"No… this place is real, and you're here. For you this is the past, the world that existed before yours, the way it was after the Collapse… which means, after they destroyed it. What you just saw… is a memory, a symbol of something that actually happened. They came here with the last of their strength, to this holy temple, to expiate their sin by offering their life as sacrifice. Their blood, which now flows on this hallowed grounds, will soon renew this dying world and rebuild it… and a new world, a new reality will be created. A reality where they will be born as Eriol Hiiragizawa, and have a last chance to atone for their sins. A reality when they will meet you… and give Sakura and the others a chance to live happy lives, better lives. Lives that in this reality were destroyed."

"But… if we're inside his mind... how can this be real?"

"It's real because their mind is recreating it. Their mind still holds so much power, that it can recreate any place, any situation, anything really… as long as they exist, and have a will to remember."

"That's… insane," I barely manage to say. But then I remember that time at the bar, when he transformed the place into a ridiculous dancing club with only his mind, and he told me all of it was real, but on a different plane of existence. I didn't understand too well what he meant by that, but maybe… this was something like that? I mean… it's either that, or I've lost my mind and I'm hallucinating this whole thing.

But since that train of thought will lead me nowhere useful, I decide that, for now, I'd believe what my eyes and ears are telling me.

"But, then... if this is real, and you are the Goddess…" I mutter, "what's the purpose of me being in this place? Why was I brought here?"

"Were you brought here, Tomoyo-san?"

"Well..." I say, a bit surprised, "no. Not really. I came... because I wanted to save him," I say. "To recover the missing pieces of his soul… and put them back together. Which I still don't know how to do, but… the cards… they're the key, aren't they? He sealed some of his worst memories in them… the ones he never wanted anyone to see, not even himself. But Yuuko-san wanted me to unseal them, and they've led me here. Could they be the thing that points me towards the lost pieces of his soul?"

"Willingly or unwillingly, there's not a person in this world who can tear off important memories of themselves without leaving a mark, a hole… a place where their soul is cracked," she says. "That person will never feel right, nor complete; and those cracks will always leave a trail. Follow that trail… and you might find the part that is missing. But, are you willing to make them face those missing parts of themselves again? It can be dangerous. If they're not ready... it can break them even worse. There's a reason why they needed to forget those parts in the first place."

"I know, but… I have to try. It's the only way I can think of to bring him back. The problem is, I don't know how to find them. I've unsealed the cards... and released the memories in them. I've followed them here… but now I've lost them. I have no idea of where they could have gone."

"They aren't lost," she says. "They have just… returned to where they belong."

"And where is that?" I say, looking around. "Where are they? There's nothing here but destruction."

"Yes... you won't find them here. This is the end of everything. Now that they've given up their life and their blood," she says, staring sadly at Clow who lays dead, bleeding on the ground, "this old world will die, and a new one will be born. It's already in labor pains. This temple won't hold up much longer. This world, or what's left of it, will be destroyed, disappear into oblivion in a matter of hours… maybe less."

"Then, I need to hurry. Please, tell me. Where do I need to go?" I ask, anxiously.

"No. You're asking the wrong questions... and I can't give you the answers."

Oh, great. This again.

Suddenly, I feel exactly like I did when I was at the house's front door, trying to gain entrance from Mizuki-san.

I take a deep breath.

"I'm sorry... I understand what you're trying to do, but I really don't have any more time for riddles and enigmas. Will you please just tell me...?"

"Look around, Tomoyo-san... and tell me what you see," she just says.

Even though I'm a bit annoyed by her strange request, I do as she asks.

"Not much," I say. "Just… a dead garden… a fountain… and those old stone arches surrounding this place. The temple behind this is in ruins… and there's nothing else left. Nowhere to go."

"If that's all you see... you have poor judgment. You're seeing things only on the surface," she says, seriously. "You're forgetting where you are."

Oh, yes. Inside his mind, or something.

But, does that mean...?

"Is this place... a reflection of the state his mind is in now?" I say. "But, there's so little left..."

"Little isn't equal to nothing," she says. "Even the most broken of souls has secret doors, pathways that might lead you to what's important… if you know where to look. You need to start looking at things differently. You need to learn to see with more than just your eyes. The pathways are here."

I don't fully understand what she's trying to say, but, realizing she's not going to give me a direct answer, I look around again, this time more attentively, and then...

Of course.

The arches.

I walk towards the ones closest to me, and start inspecting them. There are some old carvings on each one of them; they seem to be symbols or signs of some kind, but they are so faded in the stone by now it's hard to tell what they represent.

"What… is this?" I say. "Here, on the stone… these inscriptions."

"An old language," she says. "One of the very first forms of writing that existed."

"What do they say?" I ask her.

She just stares at me, but keeps silent.

"I can't read them," I say, feeling almost ashamed.

"You insist on seeing with just your eyes."

Oh… yes, sure. I'm inside his mind, which supposedly means that if he knows what they say, I should know too... right? Although, this is also a real, solid place, because his dying mind is recreating it.

Nope, nothing confusing about that, at all.

I look at the inscriptions again. They still look like unreadable gibberish, but I try to open my mind to other possibilities. Suddenly, like moved by some strange instinct, I reach out and touch the arch's cold stone, and then, something even stranger happens.

I realize I understand what they say.

I gasp in shock.

"So…?" she asks.

"Quietly, by a bed of flowers, it ended," I mutter. "That's what is carved in this arch. But… it doesn't make any sense."

"It makes sense… but not by itself."

So… is that it? Do I need to read them all? Are these inscriptions clues to where I can find Eriol's lost memories?

I start moving from one arch to the next one, staring at the inscriptions and placing my hand on the stone, and understanding what it's written becomes easier and easier with every attempt.

Quietly, by a bed of flowers, it ended.

The mirror showed the ugliness inside, and he needed to go away.

Fire consumed their flesh, but their sins were not cleansed.

He drowned in the waters of his own lack of faith.

But the poison was so sweet, it hid the bitter taste of betrayal.

Then, I stay right there for a moment, unmoving.

Wait a second.

Flowers. Mirror. Fire. Waters. Sweet.

Feeling my heart beat faster, I start counting the arches quickly, and find out there are fifty-three of them. Fifty-three! Weren't there about fifty-something cards in the deck, not counting the one Sakura turned into The Hope?

"These arches…" I say, still more than a bit perplexed about what I think I've discovered. "They're not just for decoration, are they? And they're not just telling a strange, nonsensical story either. They're the pathways… am I wrong?"

She just stares at me, with kind but inscrutable eyes.

"You're starting to see," she says, smiling.

"But, if I walk through these arches… will they take me to the memories he had sealed in the cards... and perhaps to the missing parts of his soul?"

"You keep looking for answers in the wrong places," she says. "You have to experience what you need to experience... in order to learn what you need to learn."

"I see. For a Goddess, you're not that helpful... are you?"

For a second, I could swear I've seen a tiny glimpse of amusement in her imperturbable, ethereal face.

"I'm as helpful as I need to be," she says. "But, I'm going to give you a piece of advice: never forget where you are. Even if you find yourself facing things you don't want to face, things that are terrifying, things that might shock you to your very core and change the way you feel about them, about everything... don't forget where you are. Learn to see with more than your eyes... and you'll always find your way back."

"I understand... I guess," I say, a bit unsettled by what she just said. I look towards the arches with a bit of fear, and then back at her, and suddenly I realize something I really should have thought of before.

"If things here are not just what they seem to be…" I say, somewhat hesitantly, "then, what is this fountain doing here? Why is it the only thing standing in this crumbling place? And why are you here? Why wouldn't you let me drink from it?"

She just stares at me for a moment; her voice sounds eerie and grave when I hear it again. Like that of an old, very old person.

"You were not ready. What's hiding in its waters is a dangerous thing... it could have destroyed your mind. I am here to guard it... and prevent anyone from approaching it."

"Why? What is in there?"

"You're still not ready."

Suddenly, I realize this might be the last piece of the puzzle. Whatever is hiding in this fountain… is something I will need, to accomplish what I have to do. I'm almost sure.

"When will I be ready?"

"Only after you've faced all the darkness that is ahead of you… not before," she says. "If you manage to find all the lost pieces and come back here before the world ends... I might let you see what hides within the fountain. But you'll have to hurry. Every minute you're standing idle asking questions is a minute you won't have later. But before," she says, "let me give you something."

"What?"

"A gift."

She comes closer then, raises her hands towards me, and in a moment I'm surrounded by some kind of cool, healing wind. Suddenly, I start feeling much better. My feet, my whole body stop hurting; I no longer feel the thirst, nor the tiredness. I look down at my feet and I see they're clean and healed, and my skin and hair are no longer covered in dirt, and they feel as fresh as if I had just bathed. And it's not just that. I feel almost optimistic, like… renewed.

It's an amazing feeling.

And I can't help but think that this is the kind of power Eriol and Clow always wanted to have, but never did.

I look at her in gratitude.

"Thank you," I say. "I'm sorry about what I said. In your own way... you've helped me."

She just smiles.

"I'm as helpful as I need to be."

Then, I go to the closest arch, the one I read first. It was randomly chosen then, but for some reason, I feel like this is the place to start.

Quietly, by a bed of flowers, it ended.

I look through it, it really seems to lead nowhere but right into a dry hedge; but I've already walked through a killing wall of dark energy, probably a thousand doors leading to alternative realities, and a mirror, so… what's the worst that could happen? Getting a bit scratched?

So, I hold my breath for a second, and not thinking too much about it, I walk through it.

And to my absolutely non-surprise, I don't bump into a dry hedge. There's like a millisecond of darkness, and then… light.

Beautiful, natural light. Sunlight.

I look around, and I realize I'm no longer at the temple, at world's end.

Or maybe I am, but… it's a whole different place.

...

Above my head, there's a beautiful blue sky, spattered only by a few clouds. The air is quite pleasant, with a gentle, warm breeze carrying the sound of bird's songs to my ears. I breathe in, and a scent of fresh grass, flowers, and spring invade my nostrils. The sun is shining low on the horizon, announcing the impending dusk, but all in all, it feels like a peaceful day in the garden.

Yes, I am still in the garden, but it looks so different now I can hardly recognize it. The fountain is still here, magnificent as it was before, but the rest of it…

It's unbelievable.

All the statues and the pillars are intact; they look old but well-maintained, there is no moss, no debris lying all around, no crumbling structures. Everything is where it should be, how it should be. The hedges are green and tidy, the grass fresh and short, and there are beautiful, exotic-looking plants and flowers all over the place.

And it's just… beautiful.

Entranced, I start walking around, taking everything in. Seeing it like this, it's hard to believe it will eventually become that creepy ruin I saw before. This is how it should have looked before the Collapse, but… how long, before it?

There's no way to know either where I am, nor when I am. Even considering I am in another world, a world that doesn't exist anymore but that is being recreated by Eriol's mind, by Eriol's memories, and which maybe has a very different geography and history than my own.

Or maybe not? Maybe he just replicated his own world, into mine?

There's no way to know, for now.

Anyway… if I'm here, this means I'm in one of his most terrible memories; the ones he sealed inside the cards. Quietly, by a bed of flowers, it ended. It seems really unlikely, that he would have a memory so bad he needed to get rid of on this beautiful day, in this beautiful garden. But I would need to wait and find out.

Eventually, as I walk through the maze that this garden is, I start hearing a low sound, like whispering voices and painful gasps. Carefully, trying to not make any noise, I follow the sound until I find myself in one of the most beautiful areas of the gigantic courtyard.

It's a rose field. Wherever I look there are roses everywhere of many different colors, and butterflies of all sizes and shapes flying around, and a small, white gazebo at the center.

And at the gazebo, two people are sitting.

It's Clow Reed…and Yuuko-san.

But she's not exactly sitting. She's leaning against him, which apparently is a terrible effort to her, and he's holding her up with his arm. They seem to be talking in a low voice, but Yuuko looks really pale, and coughs and gasps a lot in the middle of it. She reminds me a bit of my mum… the last time I saw her at the hospital, and an ominous, anguished feeling invades my chest for a moment.

Will I ever get to see her again?

No, I can't think about that now. I need to pay attention; something important is surely about to happen. I try to approach them quietly, to hear and see them better. Even if this is a memory, I'm not sure if they can or can't see me, and also it feels kind of… wrong, to be here, watching this private moment between them. So, I try to keep a respectful distance and silence.

They don't seem to notice me at all.

"Thank you..." she whispers, faintly. "For bringing me here. This… is my favorite place in the world. It's peaceful… and beautiful. It's a good place to die. And I'm glad… that you're with me."

"Stop saying such things," he says, his voice sounding between comforting and pained. "You're not going to die yet. There's still time. We can still play a few more chess games… before it's all over."

"No, Clow…" she says. "There won't be any more chess games. My path… ends here. I know it. I… feel it."

"No. I don't believe it. We can make more time. A few days… a few weeks… even a few months! You just have to be willing to fight it harder! I can make you a potion that..." he says, in a slightly desperate tone.

"Don't… be like that, Clow," she says, and suddenly starts coughing very violently. He holds her, even stronger than before. When it finally calms down, she continues speaking with an effort. "Don't make this harder… than it has to be. You have to let me go. We waited as much as we could, but… I can't keep pushing death back forever. Look what that has done to you. We knew… this moment would come. We've prepared for this. I'm ready, Clow. Really... I am. I'm not afraid. But I need you to be ready too."

"Why can't you just… stay? Just a little bit longer?" he says, and I see tears escaping from his eyes. "Please, Yuuko… you might be ready… but I'm not. I don't know what am I going to do… after you're gone."

"Yes… you know. We've planned it. Even if I could stay a few more hours… or days… it wouldn't make any difference... my love," she says in a faint, pained tone, as she strokes Clow's cheek affectionately. "You're as ready as you're ever going to be… and I'll be in agony. You wouldn't want that for me… would you?"

He shakes his head no.

"I'm so sorry… for not being able to help you," he says, in a defeated tone.

"Don't… say that. You've helped me… in more ways than I can tell," she mutters, staring at him compassionately.

"But I couldn't heal you," he insists, crestfallen. "So much power… and what for? I'm the most powerful being in this world, with powers that could destroy reality as we know it… yet, they can't save the one person I need the most. They are really a curse… not a gift."

"Clow… even if you had more powers than you already have… they wouldn't be able to save me… from life," she whispers with a hint of voice. It's obvious that it's a tremendous struggle for her to speak at all. "Life is a circle... and a circle can only close. Sooner or later... it has to end. Please… I know this is hitzusen, but… if there's any chance that all that we planned goes wrong… there's still time to avoid disaster. You just... need to accept that I'm dying, my love. Make your peace with it... just… let it happen… without the slightest doubt... without the slightest resistance. Embrace it… and things will be easier… and better... for everyone."

"I've tried, Yuuko," he says, holding her hand and kissing it. "God knows I've tried. I've been trying every single moment of every single day. I just... can't. I can't make my peace with the idea that I won't see you anymore... ever again."

"Maybe you will see me… in another life… if you stop clinging to this one."

"If only I could believe in such hope... But, it's never happened before. The people I lost… they're lost forever. I've never found them again."

"Maybe you did… and you just couldn't see it. At least, tell me... will you keep your promise?"

"I will," he says, and I see the glow of a tear on his cheek. "I'll keep your house… and the mirrors. I'll put a kekkai on it… the strongest one ever… and Yue and Kerberos's power will sustain it after I die. It will survive when everything ends, hidden, and I'll go back to it, I promise... in my next life. I'll even plant a garden there... a new one… and fill it with the roses you love so much. And butterflies. Many, many butterflies."

"Butterflies… are free beings, Clow," she says. "You can't just… put them there. You have to… invite them in. Make such a nice garden… that they can't resist the urge to come… and then, wait. You'll have to be… patient."

She smiles, but then she starts coughing again, this time even more violently than before, and afterward there's a red stain of blood on her mouth, on her hands.

She tries to sit up again, but she can't, not even with Clow's help. She looks like she has depleted all of her strengths.

"When everything's gone... and the new world is born, I'll make it different," he says, gravely, as tears start sliding down his cheeks. "Maybe all the people who hated me and feared me in all my lives were right, and magic is truly an abomination... Maybe with less of it, science or some other thing will take over. Maybe that way... things will be better, and in the long run, people won't have to die of things like this anymore."

"This world... is out of balance, Clow," she mutters, gasping for air. "Be careful... if the next one is unbalanced too... it might meet the same end."

"It won't be," he says, worried, as he helps her lay sideways on the garden bench. "I'm the one who's making it out of balance... and I'll only be there for a short amount of time. But don't you worry about that. I'll care about the next world. Please, don't talk anymore. Save your strength. You want me to carry you inside, where you can be more comfortable?"

"No..." she mutters. "I want to be here. I want to… spend my last moments... watching this beautiful sunset… these roses… the butterflies... and you."

He just nods, kisses her hand again, and then her lips, very softly. Tears are running non-stop down his face now. I can't help but feel an overwhelming wave of sympathy for him, for them; it feels like a claw clutching at my chest. My own eyes start clouding with tears for no reason.

"I love you," he says.

"I know," she replies with a hint of voice. "Come closer… I want to tell you my real name... before I go."

He leans even closer to her, and she whispers something in his ear I don't catch. He makes a strange, surprised face. Then, she smiles weakly again, and lets herself lay, spent, on the bench, as she gasps for air.

"You… have made... my life… better... brighter... Clow. Thank... you."

And then, she gasps a little more… and then exhales, a long exhalation, as if she has just stopped fighting for the air to come into her lungs, and just… lets herself go.

And then, she stops moving.

For a moment, everything seems to be still. The sun has started to set on the horizon, and the sky is painted in beautiful reds and purples, but the soft breeze has suddenly stopped blowing, and the bird songs that filled the air until just now became quiet all at once, as if they had realized, somehow, that something significant has happened.

Strangely, Clows does nothing for a moment, like in shock. But then he reacts, and a sob that suddenly turns into a yell escapes from his throat. A frightening, pain-filled yell that disrupts the placid quietness of the afternoon and seems to pierce the sky. And then…

The sky darkens suddenly, as if a terrible storm had formed above our heads in a matter of seconds. Dark clouds and lightning start appearing all around us. Then, before I can do anything, two more figures appear in the garden.

It's Yue and Kerberos.

"Master!" Yue asks, in a worried tone. "What happened? We heard you scream, and the sky… Wait… what happened to her?" he says, staring at Yuuko. "Is she…?"

"Yes. No. Not… exactly," Clow says, in a defeated tone. "I'm not sure."

"Master Clow..." Kerberos cautiously says. "What... did you do?"

"I think..." Clow mutters, rather pale. "I think I broke the universe."

"You… what?" Yue exclaims. "What... are you talking about?"

"I just… I couldn't… I couldn't let her die. I couldn't control it… she was dying, expiring her last breath, and I… I'm sorry. I... did this to her. To everyone. I think… I've doomed us all."

"Master, please," Yue says. "We don't understand… what are you trying to say?"

Startled, they look around, and I do too. Only then I see the butterflies, hanging like petrified, unmoving in the air. Yue's already pale face seems to get even paler.

"Master…?"

Clow sighs, wiping his face.

"When she was dying, I wished... it was only a fraction of a second, but... I wished that she would open her eyes again," he says, painfully. "I wanted not to, but… I couldn't help it. I didn't want her to die. And since I can't cure her, nor keep her alive… I've frozen her time. And by doing so, I stopped the flow of time everywhere. Now, she's somewhere between life and death... not really dead, but not really alive either… as every other living thing on this world is… except for us."

"What? That… that can't be," Kerberos says, with a panicked look in his eyes. "You mean… every living being in this world is…?"

"What I've done…" Clow says, somberly, "is a sin against all the laws of nature. I've broken the most fundamental rule, the one that holds this universe together and allows it to exist… the law of change. I wouldn't allow things to keep flowing as they must, and because of that, I've created a tear in reality. And not just here. She's the Dimensional Witch, her power flows over all the dimensions in this universe… so they will soon be in chaos because of what I did. And then... reality as we know it will most likely collapse."

"Master…" Kerberos says, alarmed. "You… you're not serious… are you?"

"Do I look like I'm joking?"

"You're telling us…" Yue whispers, "that because you couldn't let go of her, this world is going to be destroyed, and we're all going to die? Including thousands of people from other dimensions too?"

"Not thousands... billions," Clow says, sorrowfully. "Yes. This… is the worst thing I've ever done. The worst thing anyone has ever done… since the beginning of humankind."

"Is there any way to stop it?" Yue mutters.

"No. But there's a way to soften the impact... give everyone a chance. I'll have to do many things in the days to come. The world won't collapse overnight, but… it won't hold for too long. Reality has already become unstable, and that instability will only grow bigger, until this world is… no longer livable. She and I have already predicted this… and have been preparing for it. I just can't believe... it's finally happening. Look... I'll have to do some things in the other dimensions, before everything collapses… so I'll be gone for a few days, maybe weeks. Times flows differently in other dimensions, so I can't tell you exactly when I'll be back. I need you to wait for me at her house. I'll cast a kekkai on it, so when the world starts collapsing, you'll be safe. I'll take her body there too. She won't be returning to it, at least not in this life… but still, guard it with everything you have, until we can relocate it. When I come back, I'll tell you what we're going to do. I have plans for both of you. Don't worry… you two won't die with this world."

"But, Master..." Yue says. "Can't you just… undo it? Just let her… die… naturally, the way she was supposed to?"

"I… can't. If I could do that… I would have done it in the first place, Yue. I became good at controlling my emotions, but… sadly... not that good. At least, not yet. But I will... I hope."

Yue and Kerberos just stare at him, looking sad and worried. Then, he dismisses them, and kneels down before Yuuko's unmoving body on the bench.

"I'm sorry…" he says, stroking her face, as tears run down his. "I've failed you."

Then, he notices a blue butterfly that is lying close to her hair, on the bench. Barely flapping its wings, as if it was dying, but not petrified like all the others. Surprised, he grabs it within his hands, carefully, as if it was something really precious, and looks at it for a moment.

Then, he turns around, and…

Sees me?

He's staring at me, and I feel like I'm paralyzed where I stand.

Has he really seen me?

Is this not a memory? How can he be seeing me, if I wasn't here when this happened?

After a moment, I realize he's not staring directly at me, but in my direction. Which still creeps me out.

Then, the butterfly in his hands stops moving. He takes it, and lays it carefully on the ground.

"It's time… isn't it?" he says, as if he was talking to himself. "I know. I'll come to you… after I'm done here."

Then, he goes back to Yuuko's body, carries it in his arms, and walks away, until I lose sight of him.

And I just stay there, unable to move, unable to make a sound for a while… Unable to be sure if he has actually seen me or not.

What should I do now?

Then, I get closer to the gazebo and stare at the butterfly. I reach down and grab it, carefully. It really is a just dead butterfly, one of its wings completely broken.

But for some reason, I find it beautiful.

Could he have left it here for me?

No, that doesn't make any sense. He couldn't have seen me; this is just a memory I witnessed, this is not really happening. I wasn't here when it actually happened, so, it's impossible…

But he's Clow Reed after all; the most powerful mage in the world. Could he have, somehow, sensed my presence, even if it was in his subconscious, even if it was in another timeline? If not, then who was he talking to?

Well… it doesn't matter, anyway.

The memory has ended, and before I know what's happening, I find myself back at the destroyed temple, at world's end, staring at the goddess and the fountain.

With a dead butterfly in my hands.

...

"You're back," she says.

"Yes," I say. "I think… I think I just saw the moment when he destroyed this world."

"You've found one," she says, staring at my hands.

"What… you mean… this?" I say, looking in perplexity at the small winged thing in them. "I don't even know why I brought it with me."

"Your heart knows," she says. "You've seen with more than your eyes, thought with more than just logic. That butterfly is important. It represents something they've lost… in that memory."

"So… is this a piece of his soul?" I ask, a bit perplexed.

"In a way," she says. "It's a symbol of it."

"Then, what do I do with it?" I say, staring at it with new interest, maybe even a bit of fear.

"Nothing," she says. "You still have a long path ahead of you."

I look then at Sakura's almost empty card book, which I've left, forgotten, by the fountain. I open it, and stare at the lonely Sakura card resting there.

The nameless card.

I delicately lay the dead butterfly over it, and close the book.

"Is it okay if I leave it here... with you? I don't want to risk anything happening to them."

She just stares at me, and I realize she doesn't care.

"Do what you need to do."

I nod, and I walk towards the next arch. I stare at it for a moment.

The mirror showed the ugliness inside, and he needed to go away.

Okay, then… let's see what we find.

...

I find myself standing in the middle of a giant wheat field, and standing next to me there's Clow Reed. This time, I don't get startled like when I saw him at the temple, nor he looks as bad as he did then. He's dressed in some fine, long black robes, his long hair neatly tied at his back, his round glasses in place. He looks neat and well-groomed; he's taller than Eriol and has a much more imposing presence. I understand now why he said most people were afraid of him. He looks really formidable and powerful; a force to be reckoned with.

And in front of us, although at some distance, there's Yuuko-san. She looks really lovely in a beautiful, red silk kimono, with red lips and her dark hair, arranged in an elaborate hairdo, flowing in the gentle breeze. She's staring at him, smiling, although her smile is a bit sad.

But he's not looking at her. He's staring up at the sky. He closes his eyes, and suddenly, all around him, the wheat starts to wither and die. It rots, and then it turns black, and then it becomes ashes. He opens his eyes and he starts walking towards her, but as he moves, everything around him just keeps withering and dying, and I witness, horrified, as it starts to spread through the fields around us, farther and farther still. She reaches out to him, a worried look in her eyes, but when he is about to touch her hand, the rot gets to her and takes her too. Her hair, her clothes, her skin, her shocked eyes, it all rots and turns black in a matter of seconds, and I see her body turn to ashes and disappear in front of me, until there's nothing left but bones. And it keeps spreading on and on, until the entire wheat field has disappeared, until there's nothing else around us but death as far as the eye can see.

Suddenly, the scenery changes and I'm no longer in that field, but in a very dark room.

I hear a desperate gasp for air. A light gets lit, and I see a very disturbed Clow Reed, sitting up on his bed, raising a hand to his sweaty forehead and breathing heavily, as if he has just awakened from a horrible nightmare.

Did I just witness his dream?

Besides him, there's an asleep Yuuko-san in a nightgown, who seems oblivious to the whole thing. As I look around, I realize with an inner tremor that I… I recognize that room.

It's Eriol's room. The only difference is that now the clutter and decoration looks a bit different… mostly female clothes and things, and no record player, nor jazz vinyl records lying around.

Then I realize it was Yuuko's room, long before it was Eriol's.

Clow gets up from the bed and walks towards a standing mirror, in one of the corners of the room. He stands in front of it, barefoot and in pajama pants, staring at his own image for a while, noticeably shaky and distressed.

After a few seconds, he starts to inspect his hair, as if he's looking for something. Carefully, silently, I approach him, and I see that eventually, he finds what he's looking for.

It's a thin, almost unnoticeable grey lock, hiding amongst the thick, long dark hair.

He sighs, as if in relief. But after a moment of watching that grey lock, his expression changes again into one of anxiety. And then, before my eyes, I see the grey lock change, become as black as the rest of his hair, getting lost in it. He stares at this with a distressed look in his eyes, and then goes towards the window, and opens it.

I approach it too, to see whatever he's staring at.

There's a full moon shining high in the sky, shedding its silvery light on everything. And underneath it, a rose garden.

A dead rose garden.

He lets out a frustrated yell and stares back at the mirror hatefully. It's just a second, but the mirror explodes into a thousand pieces, making a terrible sound of shattering glass; and then, I hear Yuuko's startled voice, who has woken up from all the noise.

"Clow… what the hell?" she mutters, sleepily, as she rubs her eyes.

He just grunts and looks down.

"You're hurt," she says, staring at his arm, which now is bleeding. "Come here. What did you do?"

He sighs and goes back towards the bed, where he sits next to her. She takes his bleeding arm, removes a small piece of glass that got stuck in it, and wraps it into a piece of cloth she gets from a drawer on the nightstand, applying pressure on it.

"Look at all the mess," she says, more worried than annoyed. "Will you tell me what happened?"

"I'm… sorry, Yuuko," he says. "I'll replace your mirror. Your flowers too… I promise."

"My… flowers?" she says, "What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry…" he says, crestfallen. "I couldn't… stop it, Yuuko. It happened again. I… I don't think I can control it anymore. I have to do something about this… quickly. Before I end up killing everything… and everyone around me."

"You mean…?" Then, she sees the open window. She gets up from the bed and goes towards it, and looks outside. "Oh my God."

"I think… it'll be better if I stay away from you too, until I've sorted this out," he says. "I've already told you... I'm too dangerous to be around."

Then, she goes back to him, and sits next to him on the bed, a concerned look on her face.

"Clow… I don't blame you for this. I know you're trying your best. But you keep pushing down what you feel… and that will never work. It will get out of control, over and over again. And every time that happens, something will die."

"God, you think I don't know?" he says, his voice sounding almost desperate. "I'm so afraid I'm going to do something terrible to you, without even knowing. I dream of it almost every night. I… I can't stand it."

"I'm stronger than those roses, Clow."

"I know… but I'm scared," he says. "I keep having this… foreboding feeling… that things will end up badly for us. In catastrophe… maybe. Wherever I go, death and destruction always follow. And I'm causing it… I know I am. I just… can't stand the idea of dying again… of losing everything again, and being born again… without anything. Without you."

"Clow," she says, "you're just pushing back the inevitable. You can stop the wheel from turning for a while, but you know it has a price, and that price gets higher every time you do it. And you've been doing it for over four hundred years. Aren't you tired?"

"I am… exhausted. But, what can I do, Yuuko? Even if I understand it rationally," he says, "my heart doesn't. Deep down, I'm terrified of what will come next… and so I keep clinging to this life, to this moment… indefinitely, if I could. And why wouldn't I? In all of my lives… this is the first time that I've felt happy. How would I not cling to it? How would I not want it to last forever?"

"I know, dear… I understand. But, the price is too high. It's not worth it. Haven't you thought that maybe, if you stopped clinging to this life, and just lets things flow as they may…?"

"Yes… I've thought of that, but… I can't. Every time I've let things flow, I've lost something invaluable that I could never recover."

"But… that's why this keeps happening, Clow. That's why you can't stop it. Your fear is consuming you. You're fighting something bigger than yourself… and you can't win this fight, dear. I'm sorry. But as long as you can't make your peace with it, as long as you resist it, death and destruction will continue to follow you… and affect everyone around you. You know what you do isn't free. You know there are rules."

"I know! I know the rules. You don't have to remind me how much my eternal youth is costing, Yuuko. I know life… can only be paid with life," he says, bitterly. "I'm not intending to keep doing it. At least… not purposely. I know what I do is the worst type of necromancy. Before I met you, I didn't even care. But now… the people from the nearby villages are right to fear me. I'm an unnatural monster. They know their crops wither and their cattle die whenever I'm around. Sometimes I even fear I might be taking life from people too… But, how can I stop it?" he says. "I've been doing it for so long, it's already become a part of me. I thought I've managed to control it… I've even started to age again. You saw the grey hairs. But then the thought appears in my mind, of getting old, of dying and being born again, of losing you… and I just freeze. I can't… deal with it. Look at my hair now; the grey hairs are gone. That's why your roses died. I killed them. I swear, those mirrors are becoming my doom. I shouldn't even look at them anymore."

"Clow…" she says, staring at him compassionately. "The mirrors aren't the problem. The problem is, you still think this is about controlling what you feel… when it's exactly the opposite. It's about letting go. That's what you still need to learn. You need to be able to stand with your fears, even in front of a mirror, and stop trying to control how it makes you feel. You have to just be there with your fears… learn to live with them. Like all human beings do. Do you think you're the only one who is afraid to die… or be alone?"

Then, she starts coughing, and it takes her a while to stop.

"Hey… are you okay?" he asks, in a worried tone.

"Yes… don't worry about it," she says, soothingly. "I'm fine."

But she seems a bit distressed too.

"Yuuko… you haven't been feeling well lately."

"I know, Clow. But it's nothing to worry about."

"Did you see a physician?"

She nods. But her face doesn't look too calming.

"And…?"

She doesn't answer and looks away, towards her window; which makes him even more distressed.

"Yuuko… I just dreamed you died," he says. "It was a very vivid dream. Like… those dreams. You know the ones I'm talking about. Please… if there's something wrong, you need to tell me. "

She sighs, but still won't look at him.

"Clow, I…" she finally whispers. "I don't want to lie to you."

"Then, tell me the truth. Yuuko... are you sick?"

Then, she looks back and him, sadly. And nods.

His face turns pale.

"How… bad is it?"

"Not too bad… yet."

"But… will it get worse?"

She nods one more time.

"What can be done about it? Is there a treatment?"

She stares at him, sadly, and shakes her head no.

"Yuuko… is this… my fault?" he barely dares to whisper. "Am I taking the life from you too?"

"What? No! This has nothing to do with you, I promise. It's my own body. Maybe it's something I already had, but it was dormant because I was living in that place outside time. But now that I'm here… well… times passes here, my love."

"But then… go back! Please, Yuuko. I beg you. I don't want to be the reason why you…"

"No," she says. "I'm sorry, Clow… but I'm not going back. I've already thought about this, and I've made my choice. I don't want to live outside the world anymore. I want to be part of it… to live in a place where things happen. With other people. With you. I know there will be a price to pay. But I'll pay it… willingly."

"You can't be serious," he says. "Are you telling me that there's a chance to stop it from progressing, and you won't take it because you want to be here?"

"Yes… that's exactly what I'm saying."

"But then… I've doomed you!" he says. "Just like I've doomed everyone else before you."

"No," she says, reaching up to stroke his face. "Don't say that. You made me want to live, and I don't care how long that will be. I've existed in my place outside of time, visiting real worlds only sporadically for so long, I can't even remember… maybe longer than you've lived here as Clow Reed. But I was never truly alive. I was just doing what I was supposed to do, fulfilling my fate as Dimensional Witch and Wish Granter. Now, I'm choosing my own fate, Clow. I'm choosing to live a full life, here, even if it's short… over an endless, half-life there."

"But…!"

"Clow… it's not your choice to make. Understand? This is my life, and my choice. I don't want to talk about this anymore. Let's just enjoy what we have… while we still can. Can you do this? For me?"

He just sighs and hugs her. Then, after a few moments, he pulls away and stares at her.

"Yuuko…" he says, in a pained tone of voice, "I'm sorry… but I can't. I can't be near you, knowing that even partially, I'm the cause of this. Please… go back to your place outside dimensions. Live there. We can still talk, and work together… at a distance. Like when we first met."

She just stares at him in dismay.

"No, Clow," she says. "Even if it started because of you… it's bigger than you now. You may walk away from me if you want… but I'm not going back. I'll live here, and die here… in this world. I'd rather do it with you… but I'll do it without you, if I must."

"You're not serious."

"Oh, I'm serious."

"No…" he says. "This is insane. You can't ask me to just stay idle and watch you wither and die, just because of a whim."

"It's not a whim. It's my deepest wish. To live a full life, in the real world. Not as Dimensional Witch, but as any normal woman would. I know it's a hard thing what I'm asking you to do, but I'm asking you to do it."

"No… I'm sorry, Yuuko, but I can't. I can't approve of this. If this sickness is really serious… I can't stand to just watch when something could be done about it. If I give you a reason to stay here and get sicker, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself."

"Clow, with or without your blessing, I've already made my choice."

"I'm sorry… but I can't... I can't support this."

"Then… leave," she says, visibly hurt.

He gets up, and gives her a long, sad stare.

"Please, Yuuko… come back to your senses… and reconsider this madness. You can still live. Please… live."

"That's exactly what I'm intending to do," she says.

He sighs, puts his robes on, and walks away from the room. And that's when the scene should have ended for me. If he's not here anymore, then the memory should be over... right? But I just keep being here, standing in the middle of this room, watching a sad, distressed Yuuko hugging her legs and starting to sob quietly. I don't understand why I'm still here, nor why I'm feeling this strange knot in my chest, or these tears welling up in my eyes.

Maybe because what Clow did to Yuuko was the same thing that Eriol did to me? Just… abandon her, hoping that it would be the way to save her?

Of course, I know he came back to her later. I've met with her in Clow's living room when their end-of-the-world plan was already in motion, and I've seen her die in his arms… or almost die. But just like it happened with Eriol… maybe it was too late. Maybe they've lost most of the precious little time they could have spent together… because of his stubbornness, and his fear of being what caused her harm.

God… it's almost as if history was repeating itself, over and over again.

Why am I still here?

Then, over the velvety covers of the bed, I see a piece of broken mirror, stained with blood. Yuuko notices it too, grabs it, and observes her own reflection for a moment in the fragment. She strokes it almost affectionately, leaves it on the nightstand, and lies on her bed again, sobbing quietly.

Mirrors will always show you the truth, she had said in her note.

I don't know why, but I feel compelled to grab it, so, I do. I stare at myself in it… but I see nothing. No reflection. Not anything.

Almost as if I didn't exist.

Which would make sense, because I really don't... in this reality.

Puzzled, not really knowing what to do next, I decide to go back, and I open the door where Clow has left. There's nothing on the other side, but darkness. Still, I walk through it, leaving Yuuko alone in her room, and when I close it again, the light returns.

And I realize I'm back at the temple, with a piece of broken mirror in my hand.

...

This sequence happens many, many more times.

I would choose an arch, I'd go in, and I would witness some significant but horrifying moment in Clow Reed's life. Sometimes I would feel pity or compassion for him. Other times I would just feel dread from the things he could do or bring to happen, even without intending to. Then, I would go back to the crumbling temple with something in my hands, some object that caught my attention, and that could symbolize something that he had lost, some part of him that ended up missing in that memory.

It was emotionally draining, but I managed to get a much better understanding of him, his wants and fears… and also his relationship with Yuuko-san.

The memories from before meeting her were far less gentle.

And they became even less gentle when I started going through the arches that lead me to his other lives; to things that happened before he was Clow.

Most things I saw from then on were unspeakably terrible. His power was built over his lives, and so he had less of it as I went farther back in time, but also the world he was in became more and more brutal. It wasn't much different from my own world in any considerable way, besides my world got past the early modern era, and his didn't. Geography and history seemed to be pretty much the same. Maybe creating a new world from scratch was beyond his powers, and the most he could do was replicate the old one, with only one slight difference: my world was much less magically focused, and more technically inclined than his. But the brutality I witnessed… it was the same that had plagued my world through all of its history, and it was beyond anything I was ready for, despite how many books I've read or how many movies I've seen.

In one of the memories, I found myself standing in a town square, and I saw him in the flesh of a teenage girl, with long, copper hair and fiery attitude. Even though he looked so different, I knew it was him; I recognized the eyes. This girl was being trialed for witchcraft and sentenced to die at the stake. I saw her in a white gown, her freckled face and body covered in bruises, cuts and marks of all kinds, but her amber eyes were full of rage and pride, despite the many terrible defilements she had undoubtedly gone through. I saw her closest friend and her family staring silently from a crowd as priests set the pyre on fire, and neither said nor did a thing, but abjure her and cross themselves, too scared of what could happen to them to retain any kind of compassion or loyalty. With teary eyes, I watched her scream in agony as the fire started to burn her skin, and that was terrible enough; but it became even worse when, as the flames were tearing her body, she managed to cast a hatred-filled spell between her teeth, and the flames that were consuming her went wild and blasted in every direction, spreading quickly into a wide area around the pyre, catching on the clothes of almost everyone who was there watching her execution as if they were covered in oil, including her own family. People started screaming in fear and pain, the whole execution plaza turning into an unexpected inferno where people burned like human torches before my eyes just as she did; and then, feeling the burning heat almost on my skin, with the smell of burned human flesh invading my nostrils and making me want to puke and the smoke threatening to suffocate me, for a second I thought I would die there too, and I almost lost myself to panic. But then, I remembered the warning the Goddess gave me, and I remembered where I was. I was returned to the temple then, but the screams and the smell and the horrible dread in my chest were something I wouldn't shake from myself easily.

After that, things only got worse. It took me a while to gather back my courage and go through another arch. I saw him again then, this time in the flesh of an old, frail-looking, white-bearded monk who lived in a secluded monastery, trying to lead a quiet life by the books and the parchments he would write every day. I saw sickness and plague get there, infecting everyone but him; and taking all of the other monks to their graves. I saw him pray and cry by another monk's deathbed, who clearly meant a lot to him and whom he couldn't save. I saw the eyes of many of his dying acolytes staring at him in fear, unsure if he had been somehow blessed or, on the contrary, he was some kind of demon. When they all eventually died, I saw him surrounded by corpses, trying to hide from the eyes of the world. But he couldn't stay hidden. They found him, and they accused him of consorting with the Devil, because how else could such an old man have survived what young ones couldn't? They submitted him to many tortures in order to make him confess, which he endured until his heart could have no more. I never saw him using his powers in that life, not even to defend himself; and I wondered why.

In another one, I saw him in the flesh of a black, middle-aged wise woman in some unknown, lost tribe, where she was revered for her magic and listened to, until white invaders came and slaughtered all that resisted, and enslaved the rest. She was amongst the ones who resisted, and used her powers to repel the invaders in the most horrible, cruel ways; it was a carnage, but they were vastly outnumbered and eventually were subjugated. The invaders burned down their village, took the few survivors as prisoners and then tried to do horrible, unspeakable things to her, but she killed as many as she could, and when cornered, took her own life.

I saw him as a samurai, struggling to hide his magical powers and fighting only with his sword. I saw him having a wife and children, and trying to protect his village from invaders too. I saw him having to choose between using his powers to help the ones he loved or rely only on his sword and watch them die. I saw him choosing his powers, and having to leave his village forever, because people would be afraid of him and wouldn't want him near, not even his own family. I saw him taking his own life later, with that same sword.

I saw him being poisoned by someone he trusted. I saw him die by sword, by hanging, and by arrows. I saw him be isolated and abused in way too many forms. I understood his anger, his lack of faith in humankind. Every memory was a testament to how people were horrible to one another through all ages, and especially towards those who were different in some way. And he was always different; despite whatever gender, age, race or social status he had in any life. There was always something that set him apart and made people suspicious of him.

I saw his efforts to hide his powers from the world and lead a normal life, and how that always, always failed. I saw how his closest ones would turn their backs on him in fear or disgust, over and over again. In one of the memories (of what probably was his shortest life), I saw him as a small little child, not older than two years old, being drowned in a river by their own parents, by order of some priest.

But also, in many of those lives I saw him take revenge. I saw him hurt and kill others and use his powers in terrible, cruel ways. As I went more and more backward in time, and the memories became older, I realized what he meant when he spoke about the terrible things he did. He was like a wounded animal that would attack viciously when threatened. I saw him cause earthquakes and storms that killed people. I saw him use the forces of nature to punish the ones who crossed him, and those punishments were without mercy. In one of the oldest ones I even saw him be a warlock, a leader of a clan where there were more people with magical abilities besides him, and he taught them to harness their powers. I saw him on a horse, with long, whitish-blonde hair in dreads and braided beard, commanding his tribe to loot and plunder and terrorize nearby villages.

And even if all of this was terrible and dreadful and in some of those lives he was almost unrecognizable, I never had a doubt it was him. His eyes were different every time, different shapes, different colors, but in some way they were always the same eyes, the same I saw that morning when we watched the sunrise by the lake at Tsukimine temple.

The eyes of a sad child.

After watching that much horror, I understood, even more, the importance that Yuuko-san had in his life, and why he wasn't able to let her go.

She was the first person to know him deeply and understand him and accept him for who he was. She showed him a gentler world, a world where he didn't have to hide who he was, where he could be good and caring and not be weakened and abused because of it. Because of her, he started rethinking everything he had done, and regretting most of it.

But it was too late for him then. He was already too broken, and his powers, which had grown stronger with every life, had already grown out of proportion, and out of control. He couldn't love her and not destroy the world because of her; he wasn't selfless enough, humble enough. He never had the chance to learn to be.

So, he had to rebuild that same world he destroyed with his own life, create a new one and be reborn as Eriol in it, with fewer powers and fewer memories, to have a chance to… to…

To what?

…

Eventually, I had gone through most of those arches and gathered almost all of the fragments of his conflicted, pained soul. Every arch was a part of a terrible story, and every memory I saw had something to do, in some twisted way, with one of the Clow Cards.

Fire. Water. Earth. Sword. Maze. Thunder. Loop. They weren't just cards, they were powers he had used to hurt others, or elements that were used to hurt him, or things that were painfully relevant in the most horrifying moments of his life, in a history full of hatred, full of betrayals and regrets and with little, almost non-existent moments of happiness and peace. And yet I watched them unfold before me, one by one, and each one showed me a part of his story, and each one revealed me a piece of his soul.

And no wonder his soul was so broken.

By now, the destruction has already reached the center of the garden, and many of the arches have now crumbled to pieces, but I'm almost at the end. I'm standing here, now, staring at the last arch, the only one left I still haven't gone through. And this one, too, has runes embedded in it.

Eternity is a place where nothing ever happens, it reads.

"This arch…" I mutter, staring at it in apprehension, "it belongs to..."

I don't dare to say it out loud, because the implications of it are way too scary. But I know why I've left it for last.

"Be careful now," the goddess says. "This one... is not like the others."

"I know," I mutter. "I know what this is."

How could I forget?

The final Clow Card, the card with a power so destructive that it equaled the other fifty-two. The card that almost destroyed everything, and which Sakura nearly lost all to seal back.

"Do you?" she says. "Do you know what awaits you behind that arch? Do you know what kind of memory it contains?"

"Possibly... one that is even more destructive than all the others."

"Not just that. This arch is different in nature. You will be tested."

"What do you mean… tested?"

"You'll see for yourself. Go, now, if you're ready… there's almost no time left."

"I'm ready," I say.

Although, I'm not nearly as sure as I sound. But it doesn't matter. I've already come this far... I can't back down now.

After everything I went through… after everything I've seen… this is the end. The final one. Through this arch, his most terrible memory awaits me, but also… the last piece of his soul. The last one I need to put this soul back together and... perhaps save him? So, despite the apprehension I feel, despite knowing I'll be facing something that might be worse than anything I've seen so far... I know there's only one way to go now.

Forward.

So, without giving it much more thought, I look at the imposing arch before me, take a deep breath... and go through it.

...

I find myself in a place of utter cold and utter darkness. Nothing, absolutely nothing can be seen, somewhat like when I crossed over his kekkai. Only this time I went through an arch that would take me to the place and the time when his worst memory happened. Something so awful that its destructive energy equaled that of all those other memories combined.

Where am I?

As I try to walk a few steps, I realize I'm in a real place. The ground is uneven, rocky and moist, and there's a complete, absolute silence, a silence so deep I even seem to hear my own heartbeats in it. I reach out with around me, but I only touch more solid, irregular, cold rock.

I realize that I'm in some sort of cave. And even if it feels dreadful to be alone in a place like this without anything to light my way, I know I need to go further into it. It's the strangest feeling; similar to what I felt when I was in that corridor, in front of the mirror, after I unsealed the cards. I almost feel as if the cave bowels were calling me.

There's something powerful in the depths of this cave, something that pulls me in and calls for me, and I'm determined to find it.

So I walk in total blindness, trying to guide myself with my hands against the narrow cave walls, trying to not stumble and fall. Which I do, more than once.

After a while, I start hearing something. A sound like water flowing, and I realize there must be some internal stream inside this cave, and I have to be very careful to not fall into it. It would be so easy to slip and break my neck in a place like this…

"Ouch!"

I hit my head really hard against some protruding rock, and then, I realize that my voice and the stream aren't the only things that can be heard in that overwhelming silence. There was also a tiny sound, not too far away from where I'm standing... and it sounded like a gasp.

A refrained gasp.

"Hello?" I say, before I remind myself that this is a memory, so, whoever is here won't be able to hear me.

And, even though there's no answer (as expected), I know there's someone here. I know I'm getting closer. It's not just the sound. I feel it.

I try to keep moving, until I can't anymore. As my feet touch water, I realize I've finally found the stream. And in this engulfing darkness, there's no way to know how deep it is, nor how wide. It would be very dangerous to try to walk across it in these conditions.

But then, I hear another muffled sound. It sounds like agitated breathing... like someone's there, just across the stream, someone who's scared, someone who's trying to hide.

But... hide from what?

There's no one here. This place feels abandoned and dead, hidden from the earth, from the light… as if no living thing has set a foot on it for ages.

Could it be hiding… from me?

But that… that's impossible.

"Who's there?" I say again, following an impulse.

Again, no answer, but a rapid sound of breathing tells me that there's undoubtedly someone else here, and even if it's odd and impossible, it definitely feels as if that person was hiding... from me.

"It's okay..." I mutter, softly, "I'm not here to hurt you... I promise."

The place remains silent, but it's almost as if I could feel the tension in the air. It feels charged, heavy.

"Hey..." I say again. "Are you lost? This place is scary, and even more when you can't see what's in the dark. But, if you have some light... would you please share it with me? I promise... I'm not a threat to you. I just want to see your face."

"No lights," a trembling voice whispers, from a place not too far away from me.

"Hey," I say, trying to hide my shock. The voice is actually talking back at me? But then… isn't this a memory?

You will be tested, she said.

Is this what she meant?

"I'm glad... you decided to talk to me," I say.

"Go away," the voice whispers. "Or I'll hurt you."

"Will you?" I say, very softly, "I... don't think you will. If you wanted to hurt me, you could have done it already… but instead, you chose to talk to me. Tell me... are you lost in here too? Do you need help... getting out of this cave?"

"Leave. Now," the voice says, not whispering anymore, but in a firmer, menacing tone. Then, to my surprise, I realize it's a child's voice. I also realize that this child is talking in a different language than mine, a language unknown to me, but somehow I seem to understand every word. "Don't think I won't hurt you, because I will. I've hurt people before. I know how."

"I'm... sure you do. But it's not necessary. Really. I honestly mean you no harm. If you want me to leave, could you please spare a little light, so I can see my way?" I say, cautiously. "I can't see anything in this dark. And I'm lost. I don't know which way to go."

"No lights," the voice replies, stubbornly. "She said no lights."

"Who...?" I ask.

"Go!" the voice growls in anger, and suddenly I feel afraid. I try to back away, but only I trip over some protruding rock, fall backwards and hurt myself.

"Ouch!" I yell in pain.

Then, I hear something like a snort. And suddenly, a small, shiny orb appears, shading a soft light all over the place. And then... I see him. I see the owner of that voice.

It's a child, not older than six, maybe seven years old. A pale, dirty-looking child in clothes that almost look like rags, with blondish, wavy hair that in this semi-darkness seems almost as if it was gray, and a very upset look in his clear, turquoise eyes.

Eyes that, although I don't quite understand how... are staring back at me.

And I don't have a doubt in my mind that it's him. Because, despite the different color, those eyes are his eyes, the exact same ones I've seen that morning, by the lake, at Tsukimine Temple... when he told me about his mother and his first life.

Is this it?

Is his oldest, most terrible memory I had to face from that life?

But then, why can he see me and hear me? Isn't this a memory?

Then, to add another layer of eeriness to the scene, I see the look on his eyes change into one of shock as they adjust to the light, and he sees me better. He backs off a few steps.

"You…?" he says, befuddled. "I... I know you. Are you... real?"

Okay, then.

I've probably found the first, the youngest version of the one I love, one that has probably not been alive for more than six or seven years, that is probably still innocent, still unmarked by all the terrible things that would happen to him later.

I've found it in another world. In another life. In the depths of some lost, dark cave, who knows how many meters buried deep into the freaking earth.

About three thousand years in the past. Another world's past.

In a freaking memory.

And he... he seems to have recognized me, somehow.

Just another Tuesday in my life, I guess.

...

---

Author's Notes

Well, this time I truly outdid myself in terms of making you amazing people wait. This might be my most overdue upload so far. I know it's no excuse, but this was a pretty hard year for me (I guess for everybody) with the global pandemic and all. My job has been taking most of my time and energy, which I don't complain about because I love my job, but this year it was harder than other years and I was too mentally drained most days after I was done to even think about sitting down and writing.

Even so, when I did manage to sit down and write, it was such a help to cope with the harsh reality we're all going through. I can only hope that reading it would do the same for you, and even if only for a little while, take your mind out of reality's problems and help you deal with whatever it is you're going through. Stories have that kind of power; I just hope mine does too, even if only a little bit. I love you all, every one of you who has ever reviewed or pm me, and all of you who read but don't comment too. You're always in my mind, knowing you're there gives me the strength to keep writing. I really hope all of you are doing okay in these trying times, and taking good care of yourselves and your loved ones.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I know, the scene of Tomoyo opening the secret door from last chapter translating into her unsealing Sakura's cards in this one might have been confusing for some of you, but bear with me here. Last chapter's scene was from Eriol's POV, who was in some sort of a coma. Everything he saw was dream-like and symbolic, wasn't supposed to be objective. Tomoyo's POV in this chapter is what actually happened. Yes, I know I'm being purposefully vague and confusing. I'm kind of a bitch, in case you haven't noticed. I hope you can forgive me!

Also, I hope everybody has seen "The sealed card" movie, because if you haven't, most of the last part of this chapter won't make much sense to you. The last arch Tomoyo goes through belongs to The Nothing, of course.

Well, we're at the final countdown. One, or maybe two more chapters to go now!

Best for you all, and I'll see you (hopefully) sooner than last time!

Please take care and be safe!