Author's Note:
May 8, 2020
First off, thank you so much to everyone who's reviewed this so far! Again, I was very nervous about putting this story out there, so it's great to hear feedback! Second, I wanted to answer a question an anonymous user asked about why Shinji calls Misato "Ms. Misato," a term they haven't encountered in other Eva fanfics: "Ms. Misato" is the most-commonly used translation of "Misato-san" in English Eva releases, so I'm using it here for purposes of language consistency.
Actually, I want to expand on that a little, since it's something I thought a lot about in planning this. One of the things I noted during my regular Eva fanfic binge-reads (and I imagine this is the case with most anime fanfic) was how English-speaking writers employed the use of Japanese terms. A lot of the time they'll lift stuff straight from Japanese grammar: having Shinji say "Misato-san" or Rei say "Shinji-kun" or Asuka calling Shinji a "baka." I don't think there's anything wrong with this, but as a personal preference if I'm reading something primarily written in English and full of English colloquialisms and wordplay, having a random Japanese term pop-up can take me out of my immersion in the story. I made the choice with this fiction to treat the dialogue here as though it's a full-on English translation of dialogue being spoken in Japanese, which meant "san," "kun," and "sensei," among others, had to go.
That said, you may have noticed I did keep "baka." That's mostly because it's such an iconic word and a big part of Asuka's relationship with Shinji, and it's a lot more fun for her to use that term than just "idiot," "moron," or "stupid" (although I use all four interchangeably). I mean, it's the tsundere term of endearment: it transcends language. So I use it, but to maintain my personal preference for immersion in the story I italicize it to signify "you're both reading a translation and the hypothetical original Japanese."
If I ever write a Soul Eater fanfic featuring Excalibur, though, I'm using "FOOL!"
Asuka dreamt vividly that night.
It was snowing. It never snowed in Tokyo-3, and certainly not when they lived in Misato's apartment. But right now she was in her room in the apartment, and she was watching snow fall outside the window.
She imagined it was freezing cold, and the only warmth was Shinji, who she found sleeping on the floor. It didn't make any sense for him to be sleeping on the floor, since he'd had his own room for most of the time they lived there. But there he was, fast asleep, the only heat source she could find.
She knelt down next to him and wrapped her arms around him. She let the heat of his body warm her up.
Two bodies, tangled together, holding each other for warmth and comfort.
When she awoke to find Shinji gone, she at first thought, "of course, because Shinji and I would never lie together like this in real life," only to realize, "wait a second, we did sleep together last night," and then think, "well then where the hell is he?"
Episode 6: Landmines
Shinji didn't like the look on Misato's face. It was almost like he was being tested about something.
"Is something wrong?" Shinji asked nervously as he closed the door behind him.
"Shinji, what month is it?"
He blinked. "I… I don't know. Why would I know what month it is?"
"Well," Misato said slowly. "I get the impression you've been keeping track."
Shinji swallowed. He knew where this was going. "What makes you say that?"
Misato walked over to the closet and swung the door open. "This," she said.
Shinji stared at the tally marks covering the walls of the closet.
"Was this you?"
He looked at Misato and nodded nervously.
"There's 223 tally marks in here."
"I know," he said.
"Do these mean what I think they mean?"
"They do."
There was a long silence.
She pointed to a section of the wall between tally marks that was completely blank. "What happened here?"
He took a deep breath. "I stopped tracking for a little while," he admitted. "I wasn't in the right headspace."
"Do you have a rough guess how many you skipped before you started tracking again?"
He shook his head.
"Shinji, even without those, this adds up to 7 months."
"I know," he said.
"7 months, Shinji."
"I know," he said, sounding annoyed.
A brief pause.
"Shinji, why did you lie to me?"
"I didn't lie. I said I didn't know what month it was."
"You also said you arrived only a few weeks ago. Clearly that isn't the case, so why did you lie to me?"
"…I didn't think it mattered."
"Well it matters to me, Shinji."
Silence.
"Does Asuka know about this?"
Silence, and another headshake.
"She's been back for a week and you haven't told her you were alone for more than half a year?"
"I don't want her to worry about me!" he exclaimed. "We were barely surviving together as it was, I didn't want to throw another thing on her plate like worrying about my sanity!"
"Shinji, she's your friend! She has every right to worry about you!"
"But…she's more than just a friend, Ms. Misato!"
"Based on your new sleeping arrangement I'd agree."
"No…No! It's not like that, it's more…" He trailed off, unsure how to describe it. Then, to his surprise, he started to laugh.
"…Shinji…?" Misato asked slowly.
He managed to compose himself. "I was just remembering…" he said. "When Asuka finally showed up a week ago, I actually tried to kill her!"
"You what?"
"I thought I was hallucinating, because why would she ever come back to me? Why would anyone I was close with come back to me? Why would you, Ms. Misato? Everything I did, it only hurt the people around me, right up til the end! So why would she of all people return? It had to be a trick! But you know what she did even though I was trying to hurt her again?"
A small silence. "What did she do?"
"She tried to comfort me." He looked at the floor. "It was the first time she ever showed me real, actual affection. And now I've spent the last week apologizing for everything I've done—gradually, because she doesn't think I can do it all at once—and she's been skirting around topics like they're landmines because she's trying to heal from the same hurt I felt, and now you're here and she's dealing with that in her own way…" he took a deep breath. "If I told her how long I was alone… she'd pity me. It'd be too much, Ms. Misato. I can't do that to her."
Misato stared at Shinji. "I don't understand... you don't want to be pitied?"
He nodded.
Then she understood. "Because then she would think you're worse off than her. You feel like she's the only one you can be close to now because of how much you went through together."
He nodded again.
On the one hand, it was good to hear that Asuka and Shinji were cooperating. But on the other hand… Shinji's attitude towards withholding information so he could stay close with Asuka… "Shinji, that's codependency. That's not friendship, that's not love, that's… it doesn't work. You owe each other more than that."
He looked down at the ground in shame. Clearly this had been affecting him for some time.
Finally, she walked over to Shinji and pulled him into a hug. "Well… I can't say I wouldn't do the same," she admitted. "But… I think she deserves to know."
"I'll tell her when she's ready," Shinji said.
"Tell me what?" Asuka asked from the doorway, startling both Shinji and Misato.
"Just… something," Shinji said quickly as he stepped out of Misato's embrace.
Asuka squinted. The overwhelming impression she got was Misato and Shinji sharing a tender moment.
Another tender moment.
She didn't like that.
She didn't like that at all.
Breakfast was an omelet made with reconstituted egg product and some vegetables.
It was very, very bland.
"You know," Misato remarked as she poked at the omelet. "We might want to fast-track the chicken idea." She pulled out a ramen soup base packet and sprinkled some of it on the omelet.
Shinji blinked. "So that's where that went."
"You judge now, just wait til you go to college." She tasted the omelet and gave an approving nod. "Better than salt." She offered him the packet.
Shinji laughed. "I'll just take your word for it."
They seem awfully chummy today, Asuka thought to herself. "Hey Shinji," she said. "I just remembered…we haven't done our daily radio broadcast in a while."
"Oh yeah! I guess these last few days have been a little too crazy."
"Let's do it now!"
"Now? But, we haven't finished eating…"
Asuka grabbed Shinji by the collar and dragged him over to the desk where they'd set up the radio. She grabbed the transmitter and handed it to Shinji. "Your move."
"Okay, um…" Shinji cleared his throat. "This is Tokyo-3, broadcasting on all open channels. We are Returnees from Third Impact. Is there anyone out there?"
Silence.
Asuka took the transmitter. "Tokyo-Drei…ist da irgendjemand draußen?"
Silence.
"This is Tokyo-3, is anybody out there?"
Silence.
Asuka lowered the mic. "Great work, Shinji," she said proudly.
Shinji looked at her confusedly. "But… we didn't hear anyone."
"Yeah, but we got back on our schedule after a few days of distractions. That means something."
"We did it for a week already, though. And we still didn't hear anything."
"Well maybe you should try some more languages," Misato suggested. She walked over and took the mic from Asuka. "도쿄-3 입니다. 누구가 듣습니까?"
She listened for a moment.
"Hmm. A little disappointing." She turned, only to see Shinji and Asuka staring at her. "What?"
"What was that?" Shinji asked.
"I broadcasted your message in Korean. Thought there might be a listening station somewhere over there, maybe in Seoul."
"How do you know Korean?"
"Guy I dated in college. I'm already fluent in German and English, but I also know Korean, Spanish, Mandarin, and a touch of Arabic."
Shinji looked excited. "Could you try broadcasting in those three?" he asked.
Misato was about to do so, but then she noticed Asuka, who was glaring at her. "Uh, maybe later." She added, "I mean, if there's anyone trying to find people they would respond to any message, not just something in their native language."
"Oh, I guess that's true," Shinji replied. "Maybe we should just broadcast in Japanese from now on."
"Excuse me?" Asuka asked, realizing the idea she came up with was going down the drain. "Why change it now?"
"Well, we're not getting results," Shinji reasoned. "Makes it a waste of time, right?"
Asuka gave him a hard stare. "Fine," she replied. "Not like there's anyone out there really listening, after all."
After finishing the frame, work that day was spent on building the exterior surface of the roof. Misato decided this would be a completely solo undertaking for her, against Shinji and Asuka's protests. She claimed didn't want them climbing around at such a tall height.
So Shinji and Asuka grabbed some books they'd found at the mall and sat in the house's backyard.
Asuka tried to focus on her comic books, but found it hard to concentrate with all the hammering and occasional cursing coming from above.
"She's treating us like we're kids," she said.
Shinji looked up from his book. "Hmm?"
"She doesn't want us doing anything dangerous."
Shinji looked up at the roof, then looked back at Asuka. "Well, we are kids, aren't we?"
"Shinji, we were EVA pilots. We stared death in the face all the time. Hell, more than one of us actually died."
Shinji shrugged. "Well, maybe she just doesn't want us to face that kind of danger again."
A loud clang and another string of curses.
"I'm telling you, it's coddling," Asuka replied. "She only sees us as kids. We can manage on our own."
He thought for a moment before replying, "You don't know what it was like here before you came along. I wandered that beach for so long, trying to survive. It's a miracle I even found this house, I probably would've starved to death."
"Oh, don't be dramatic," Asuka replied. "A few weeks isn't that bad."
Shinji stared at her in silence, wondering if he should tell her then.
"What?" Asuka asked.
"Nothing," he said quickly. "Just… I think you still don't appreciate how great it is to have her back."
Pause. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing."
"No, not nothing. Are you saying I'm ungrateful? Is that what you're saying?"
Silence.
"Pardon me for being a little fed up with her trying to act like a parent when she's done nothing to deserve it. I think—"
"Well I think you're being a little insensitive," Shinji said abruptly. He got up with his book and marched back into the house.
Asuka stared in his direction in disbelief. That was her move.
When had Shinji grown such a backbone? And why was his anger directed at her and not Major Katsuragi?
"Hey Asuka!"
Asuka looked up to see Misato staring down at her. "What?"
"Where's Shinji?"
"He went into the house!"
"Oh? What happened?"
Asuka thought for a moment. She had the distinct feeling she'd said something to tick him off. She wondered why he was so unreceptive to her. Was it something she'd just said? Maybe he hadn't liked sleeping next to her the previous night. Maybe her choice to cuddle up next to him had put him off, that little prude. Maybe he'd run off into the arms of—
"Asuka?"
She realized Misato was still waiting for her response.
Well, she wasn't going to dignify her with one.
"Asuka, why did Shinji leave?"
She sat back down and began reading the comic book again.
Asuka didn't say anything to Misato for the rest of the week.
Silent Treatment
Every evening Asuka went for a walk.
After journeying some ways she would come across some buildings from a suburb of Tokyo-3. She would look for a building with lots of broken windows, and throw rocks at them.
Then she began coming up with more creative methods of destruction. Sometimes she would find broken pieces of wood and break them on exposed rebar.
Sometimes she would punch at the ruined concrete. At first it only drew blood on her knuckles, but soon she found herself breaking off chunks of it from walls and pillars. She was an Eva pilot: she knew how to throw a punch.
Every night she returned to the house with cuts and bruises. Were it not for their current circumstances, one would assume she'd gotten into a fist fight.
Misato was worried. But she never brought up Asuka's injuries because as far as she could tell, Asuka had ceased all communications with her.
She wasn't entirely sure what had happened. After their heart-to-heart Asuka had seemed a little more willing to entertain the possibility of accepting Misato as a guardian again. But something had changed, and it changed very quickly. Not having her question answered on that first day was an early sign that something was up, then at dinner she realized Asuka was avoiding even making eye contact. But she decided she was just in a mood.
On the second day, while Misato did some further work on the roof, Shinji and Asuka did some interior work, inserting the insulation and applying plywood boards to the ceiling. This separation meant the kids did not talk to Misato as much that day anyway. But it didn't escape Misato's attention that Asuka wasn't really talking at the dinner table.
On the third day, when Misato went back inside to help the kids apply drywall to the ceiling, she realized what was happening. Asuka didn't say a word whenever she was in the room, but she heard her talking aplenty with Shinji whenever she left.
At their communal meals Misato sometimes raised a topic to try to get Asuka's attention, but the girl never took the bait. "Are you looking forward to having your own beds?" she asked one time.
"I don't mind sleeping on the floor," Shinji replied. "Actually I'm used to it by now."
"True. But now you'll also have your own rooms."
Asuka looked up at Shinji from her food for a moment before immediately looking back down.
"Yeah, I… I guess we will."
Shinji had noticed that Asuka wasn't talking to Misato very early on. He'd also noticed the bruises and cuts whenever she came back from her walks. However, he was a little more concerned with something else she was doing.
The first night, Asuka had automatically gone to lie down next to him. He didn't stop her, figuring she was doing so for the same reason as the previous nights.
When Asuka laid down next to him on the second night, she promptly wrapped her arms around him while she knew he was still awake. He made no attempt to stop her—whatever helped her fall asleep.
It was on the third night that he caught on to what was happening. It was sometime past midnight when he awoke to find Asuka looking right at him.
After a very long moment where they held each other's gaze, Shinji turned over and pretended to go back to sleep.
It was only when he heard her snoring again that he wondered if she had been hoping he would do something more.
The next night, Asuka returned to sleeping on the couch.
By the end of the week their work was complete: they had built a roof that made the 2nd floor inhabitable again. The true test, however, would be whether or not the roof held in bad weather. And they hadn't had any rainstorms in some time.
To celebrate that evening, Misato managed to put together a "ramen upgrade": she combined the instant ramen with scrambled reconstituted egg, some of the vegetables from the greenhouse, and some curry cubes melted into the broth.
"As much of a masterpiece as you can get in rough times!" she said proudly. "Dig in!"
The result was about as delightful as it sounds, but for Shinji it was oddly nostalgic to indulge in Ms. Misato's culinary pursuits once again.
For Asuka, however, it was a sudden reminder of just how little they had.
This was too much. She put her chopsticks down. "Are you stupid?" she asked.
"Your highness finally speaks," Misato replied.
Asuka was unphased. "Our food supply is so limited as is, and you're just wasting it all on one meal?"
"Asuka, it's just to celebrate having a roof," Shinji interjected nervously.
"Why are you so quick to defend her? You know I'm right about this." She stood up. "She's wasting our food supply with this indulgent meal and you're enabling her, you know that?"
"We're due for another shopping trip anyway," Misato said. "And now that we have the truck we can raid other stores for supplies. It's not the end of the world."
Asuka laughed. "Not the end of the world? Real great choice of words there, Major Katsuragi."
Oh boy, this again. Shinji suddenly felt a need to shut down this conversation. "Ms. Misato's just trying to do something nice for us."
"Again with defending her!" Asuka shot a glare at Shinji. "God, why can't you just admit you two are fucking each other?"
The words hung in the air.
"Asuka," Misato said with a surprising amount of patience. "That's not appropriate."
"I agree. That's some Oedipal complex bullshit, even I couldn't have predicted—"
"I'm talking about you, Asuka. That wasn't an appropriate thing for you to say."
"So it's true, then?"
"No, it's not true!" And there went the patience.
"Oh please, you've been trying to get in his pants since before he ever set foot in an Eva! I saw what you did to him when you were trying to get him into the cage! I bet you've been 'doing the rest' every day since you returned!"
"Asuka! That's—" She had absolutely no idea how to approach this. Unequivocally denying it wasn't going to solve this issue, and telling Asuka it was none of her business would probably make things worse.
Misato was panicking. Shinji had to interfere. "We haven't done anything, Asuka! I told her I didn't want to on the first day she was back, and she wouldn't have even if I'd asked!"
"Oh really?" Asuka raised an eyebrow. "So you're telling me a grown woman who was flaunting her body to you for months straight up offered herself to you and you refused to take the bait?"
"I…" Shinji looked to Misato, clearly unsure how to answer a question that so blatantly disrespected his guardian.
Misato rolled her eyes at Asuka. "No, he did not 'take the bait' as you put it."
"He's his own person, he can answer the question!"
"I didn't," Shinji said firmly. "And I never want to."
"Well then answer me this, Third Child." The last word cut through to Shinji like venom. "Look me in the eye and tell me you don't have any feelings for this… this... pedophile!"
This was too much. He had to put an end to this. Shinji locked eyes with Asuka, fully prepared to end this discussion with a "no."
But he hesitated.
"Shinji?" Misato asked. She couldn't believe what she was hearing.
"I…" He couldn't find the words.
"Shinji, do you have feelings for me?"
"I…I don't know how I feel about you, Ms. Misato."
A long silence.
"What do you mean by that Shinji?" she asked as gently as possible.
"When you came back, I wanted things to be back to normal, like when we were all in the apartment together and you were trying to protect me. But… I can't forget that you kissed me, and it…" He gripped the edges of the table.
"Shinji, I know that must have confused you—"
"You don't know!" he shouted. "Because you only know about everything from before Instrumentality! I'm confused now! I don't know if—If I can—If I should…" Tears were now streaming from his eyes. He saw Misato staring at him with that concerned sadness he recognized from before. A look that he wasn't sure he wanted to accept anymore.
He needed to leave. He stood up from the table and ran for the door.
Asuka watched him go. "Well," she remarked. "That was enlighten—"
Slap.
Asuka felt her cheek. It stung from the hit. She looked at Misato, who still had her arm up and the faint whispers of the anger on her face that had motivated the slap, but was gradually being replaced by horror at what she had just done.
"Asuka, I'm so sor—"
Asuka spat in Misato's face, cutting her off.
"There's the woman I remember," she said. "The one who never really cared about any of us." She stood up. "And just so we're clear on something: I've felt pain far worse than that, Ms. Misato." And she left the table, walked out the front door, and disappeared into the evening.
Misato sat at the table. She looked at the three settings, and the three bowls of ramen she had prepared. All of them sat there, mostly untouched.
Thoughts went to Kaji. What would Kaji do? Asuka had thrown herself at Kaji, maybe he would understand how this worked.
But no—Kaji knew Asuka had the same pre-pubescent fixation that Shinji had on Misato, yet he never acted on it, because he knew better than to use that to manipulate her into being an Eva pilot.
For the first time since returning from Instrumentality, Misato felt completely and utterly alone.
Shinji kept running from the house. He had no idea where he was going, no intended destination, no sense of direction, yet somehow he found himself standing at the beach, staring out at the ocean of LCL and the remains of Lilith, which had decomposed even more to the point that it wasn't easily recognizable as Rei.
He thought about running into the tide. Maybe he would be welcomed back. Maybe Rei would use her powers to let him become one with the rest of humanity. But he knew that would never happen. He knew why he had returned, he knew he had made an irreversible decision. He had a very long time to accept that decision.
"Yet again, you're running away." His father's words echoed through his mind.
"I made the choice for myself," he said. "That I would accept pain… and confusion… and suffering… if it meant being my one person."
Silence.
He grabbed at sand and flung it in Lilith's direction. "So why did no one tell me it would be so hard?!"
You already knew that.
"But it had to happen as soon as they returned! Everything we did to each other, everything they did to me!"
You thought you could ignore it. But you can't ignore the past.
"I know."
You can't just pretend everything never happened.
"I know."
You can't just imagine a world where things went differently.
"I know!"
How can you know so much yet understand so little?
"…"
You cannot run away.
"…"
You must go back.
"…"
Go home, Shinji.
"Not yet."
What?
"I'm gonna stay here for a while. I'm… I just want to be by myself."
You want to be alone?
"Yes."
You were alone for a very long time, Shinji.
"I was."
It was torture.
"It was, but… sometimes, I kind of miss it."
He sat down on the beach and stared off into the horizon as he watched the sun go down over the ocean of LCL.
Asuka ran all the way to the same abandoned buildings she used to take her frustrations out on.
When she was absolutely sure Misato was not following her, she cried.
Her cheek still stung from the slap, but she wasn't crying because it hurt.
She knew what Misato really was. What that woman actually cared about.
So why did actually getting hurt by her feel like a betrayal?
She looked at her hands. She needed an outlet.
Looking around her, she found a structure that she hadn't touched yet—the mostly hollowed out shell of a building. She grabbed a metal bar protruding from some concrete and pulled as hard as she could. After what felt like an eternity it broke loose, and she had her weapon. She swung it straight into a window, shattering the glass everywhere. Then she began swinging it at walls, knocking off pieces of concrete. She kicked down doors and stomped on them until the wood splintered beneath her feet. She slammed the bar into metal sheets until they dented from the impacts.
It didn't matter what she did. She needed to destroy everything in sight. Everything here was for her to destroy. She would knock this building down with her bare hands.
Well, no, she did not mean that literally. But she hadn't really gauged the state of the ruin she was taking her anger out on. The building was a lot less stable than the other ones she had gone to. The fact that it withstood the N2 mine blast was a miracle, but too many vibrations—the whole thing was liable to come toppling down on whatever stood in its path.
And that just happened to be Asuka, who was so engrossed in her activities she didn't realize what was happening until it was too late.