Author's Note, September 18, 2020:
We're back! Did you miss me?
Just a fair warning, this is gonna be a lot longer than previous chapters, which I guess is a testament to how much trouble I had figuring out how to tell this next part of the story. I don't plan on making individual chapters as long as this, but I figured a lot has to happen at this particular point in the story.
(Suffice to say, I kind of screwed myself over with this "episodic" format thing.)
Point is, I plan to make most updates after this one shorter so they're more manageable on my end, and so you, the reader, don't have to worry about hiatuses quite as long as this one has been.
Please enjoy Reconstruction, Part 2: Winter!
-UberVenkman
Blue skies.
The heat of the sun.
Grassy fields.
Serenity.
She stretches her hand to the sky, reaching out towards the clouds above her…
"GAGH!"
Asuka sat up in bed and doubled over as she clutched her arm against her chest. Not this again, please not this again…
"Asuka?"
She could see it now—a long slice right down the length of her arm, bone splitting apart, blood and—
"Asuka!"
Someone was speaking to her. Who? It was so dark.
Flick. Lights. "Asuka, deep breaths!"
She squinted as her eyes adjusted to the light. Her vision cleared—Misato was right next to her, with a comforting arm on her back.
"Deep breaths, Asuka. Come on."
Breathe in. Breathe out. She looked at her arm. It was intact. Of course it was intact, why wouldn't it be intact?
Yet her left hand was still tightly gripped around her wrist, as if she were holding it together.
"Are you okay?"
Another breath in. Another breath out. "I'm fine," she lied. "Bad dream." She gave Misato a brief look over. "Wait…what are you doing here?"
"…I heard you scream."
"From upstairs?"
Misato looked like a deer in headlights. "Uh, well, n-no…" she stammered. "I just happened to be in the kitchen."
Asuka turned her head to a nearby clock. "It's 3 in the morning. What were you doing in the—?"
"Getting a drink of water!" Misato said quickly in a manner that made it sound like she was absolutely not getting a drink of water. "Do you want some?"
Asuka blinked. "Uh, sure."
Misato gave a sheepish smile before leaving.
Asuka looked down at her hand. The pain had mostly subsided, but she was still afraid to let go of her arm.
Then she got a whiff of the air around her and that got her mind off her arm. She sniffed the spot where Misato had stood only a few seconds before. It was a familiar scent, but in her exhaustion she couldn't quite place it.
Misato reappeared a moment later. "Here you go." She held out the glass of water.
Asuka looked at the glass. Which hand should she use to take it? Her left or her right? She looked down. Her left was still clutching the other arm and she was too afraid to let go. But she wasn't very confident about taking anything with—
The next thing she knew Misato, who apparently grew impatient from Asuka's indecisiveness, was pressing the glass against Asuka's lips in an attempt to get her to drink without her hands.
"I can drink my own water!" Without even thinking, Asuka let her right hand grab the glass, using her left hand to brush away Misato's hands.
Misato stared as Asuka gulped down the water. "If you say so," she shrugged as she took the now-empty glass. "…are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine," Asuka replied.
Misato remained where she stood.
"I'm fine," Asuka insisted. "Really. Go sleep in your own room tonight, okay? You're gonna hurt your neck if you fall asleep in the chair again."
"Right." Misato took a deep breath. "Just making sure." She turned and nearly tripped over herself as she made her way to the door. "Just going back to the kitchen," she said after she recovered. "To… get my water." And then she was gone.
Asuka waited until the door was closed before looking back at her hand. The violin playing had helped keep her mind off her arm for a while. Getting to practice with Shinji also helped.
But at night the pain came back in full force. Every few nights she would wake up with pain in her arm, and she would curl into a ball and force herself to endure it.
Because she had to endure it.
Because she was strong.
Unlike some people in this house, she thought as it finally clicked for her that Misato smelled of Yebisu beer.
Part 2: Winter
Episode 11: Asuka Gets A Wheelchair
It was the unusually cold air that awoke Shinji that morning.
He made a move to get out of bed, but quickly pulled the warm covers over him again when he felt the cold on his upper body.
The generator must be out of fuel, he thought to himself. Guess I have to go refill it.
Finally, he worked up the nerve to push himself out of bed, threw on a coat and changed into some warmer pants before heading downstairs.
When he got to the storage room, however, he was puzzled to notice there was one less gas cannister than there had been the last time he refilled the generator. He stepped out and looked over to notice someone had left the door to the backyard open.
Going out to investigate, he was very surprised to find Ritsuko finishing up refilling the gas tank.
"Morning, Shinji," she said casually. "Guess the cold got you up, too, huh?"
"Yeah," he replied, unsure how to respond. "Do you…need any help?"
"I got it." She put down the gas can and put the cap back on the generator. "I got a little worried—we might have gotten a radio broadcast in the night and never would've known."
Shinji shrugged. "I mean…after Third Impact, you'd think people would have the courtesy not to call someone in the middle of the night."
Ritsuko laughed. "You'd think that, wouldn't you?" She pulled on the starting cord and the generator roared to life. "Didn't you refill this only a few days ago?" she asked.
"I think so. That's why I thought it was strange that it ran out so quickly. Usually I have it going for at least a week."
"Could be because the house is supporting power for four people," Ritsuko suggested. "Or, and this is the more likely case…it's getting colder, so it has to work harder."
"It is pretty cold," Shinji shuddered.
"Yeah." Ritsuko looked up at the sky. Daylight was upon them, but there were some dark clouds above. "I wouldn't be surprised if we had some snow today."
"Ms. Misato's been saying that for weeks, though."
"She's not exactly a weatherman." Ritsuko thought for a second. "Though she has the prediction accuracy of one, I suppose."
Shinji laughed. "Well, I really hope it snows. I've never seen snow before."
Ritsuko smiled at that. "Such is the weather patterns after Third Impact. Well, it's my turn to cook breakfast today, right? I'll get right to it after I check the radio." And with that, she disappeared back into the house.
Shinji stood outside for a minute, taking in the air. It was much, much colder now. Ritsuko had been making some observations of weather patterns and the position of the sun, and was now fairly certain they were coming up on the end of November. She was trying to figure out the exact date still, but was positive she would have an estimate by the end of the week. Then they would have a definitive understanding of what the date and day of the week it was.
Time had been completely meaningless to Shinji during his period of solitude. He didn't even know for sure if he woke up immediately after Third Impact or sometime later. He couldn't give the time of day or if it was Sunday or a Thursday if anyone had asked—not that anyone could. The point was, time never truly mattered.
But things were different now. There were other people living with him. Their watches and clocks were all accurate now. The seasons, which had been so elusive to him in a post-Second Impact world, gave a marker of when it was in the year.
Hell, if someone were to ask right now, "What day of the week is it?" he would say, "It feels like a Friday."
He walked back into the house, passing by Ritsuko fiddling with the radio once again. He made a beeline straight for the door to Asuka's room.
He knocked. "Asuka?" he called.
"What?" came the cross reply.
"Are you up?"
"Unfortunately. Why's it so cold?"
"Generator ran out of fuel. Ritsuko just refilled it."
"Oh. Well, I'm not getting out of bed until the house warms up again!"
Shinji stood there for a moment, feeling a little stupid. There was something very wall-of-Jericho-y about this situation.
"D-Do you want another blanket?" he called out.
There was a pause, then a sigh. "Yeah."
"Ooh, getting her a blanket," Ritsuko teased as Shinji picked one up from a nearby cabinet. "At your age? How indecent."
Shinji ignored her as he opened Asuka's door and stepped inside. It was pretty dark, as it usually was—the shades were closed tightly. It wasn't like the room's occupant could really open them herself in the morning. Misato and Ritsuko had procured a wheelchair for Asuka a few days ago, and today was the day she was finally going to be able to use it.
"Can I open the blinds?" he asked.
"Go ahead."
He adjusted the blinds slightly to get some light in the room before going over to Asuka and laying the extra blanket over her sheets.
"Thanks," she muttered. She was lying down, her body completely under the covers, but her face was looking straight up at the ceiling. She seemed wide awake.
"You excited?" Shinji asked.
"About what?"
"The wheelchair!"
"Oh yeah. That is today isn't it?"
"I think it's pretty cool. I've always wanted to use one of those."
"Really." She gave him a tired look. "You've always wanted a life-threatening injury that leaves you handicapped and makes your life difficult because it completely limits your ability to perform simple tasks such as going to the bathroom, driving a car, or even just going outside without assistance from others?"
Oops. "Well, uh…no, I-I guess not."
"Yeah, yeah." Asuka rolled her eyes while suppressing a smirk. He was too easy to pick on. "I'll let you borrow it if you want."
"Thanks, I guess." Shinji walked over to the side of her bed and sat down in a chair. "How do your legs feel today?"
"Hmm? Fine. I mean they don't really hurt constantly anymore. But every time I even try to flex a muscle it feels like someone's jabbed a knife through my leg."
Shinji cringed. "I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?" she glared. "Don't keep defaulting to that, Shinji, or else it's gonna lose its meaning all over again."
"I'm s—yes, sir."
"Okay, that's just worse."
"I'm sorry."
That made her laugh. "Idiot!" She playfully punched his arm.
"Hey!" he laughed back. "Knock it off!"
She sent another playful punch into his arm, but was stopped by feeling the sudden onset of a sharp pain.
Fuck. Fuck no. Not now. Now while he's—
"Asuka?" Not really thinking, he grabbed at her hand. "Are you okay?"
She blinked. The pain was gone almost as quickly as it had appeared. "Umm…yeah. Yeah, I'm…I'm fine." She looked down, suddenly aware of how tightly Shinji was squeezing her hand and how much closer he was to her in the moment. "You can let go of me now."
Shinji quickly released his grip and backed off. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," she said, no longer feeling the urge to chastise him about this.
"Are you sure you're fine? You looked a little…spooked there for a moment."
"I'm just tired," she replied blasély. "Had a rough night."
"Oh? What happened?"
Tell him about your arm.
"Well…"
Tell him about your arm.
"I was thinking…"
Tell him about—
"I think Misato's drinking again."
Misato had been showing up to breakfast at erratic hours. Sometimes she would show up as Shinji was just starting to cook. She'd be all smiles as she carried Asuka over to the kitchen table, and there she would hold a lengthy conversation to pass the time before breakfast.
On other days, she was nowhere to be found, and Ritsuko would be the one who (awkwardly) ended up helping Asuka. On those days Misato would stumble in about halfway through breakfast looking extremely disheveled, chug down some instant coffee and reconstituted orange juice powder, scarf down her breakfast, and then start up a casual conversation as if everything was fine.
This was one of those days.
"What'd I just eat?" she asked after lowering her plate.
Her three housemates stared at her.
"Uh…rabbit frittata," Shinji said finally. "Ms. Ritsuko's idea."
"Well," Ritsuko shrugged. "It's not really a frittata since there's no cheese. But it turned out pretty well."
"Rits—you're a genius." She leaned back into her chair while she started casually sipping her coffee. "So Asuka…you excited to try that wheelchair today?"
"Ugh, yes," Asuka groaned. "I'll finally be able to go around this house again by myself."
"Except you still won't be able to go upstairs," Shinji said, putting his proverbial foot in his mouth and immediately regretting it when he felt the icy cold death glare from the redhead sitting next to him.
"But you'll be able to go outside," Misato added helpfully.
"Unless of course it snows and it's too dangerous," Ritsuko replied.
Shinji felt relief that Asuka's death glare had been redirected to someone else, along with the sharper glare of an equally ticked off guardian.
"What?" Ritsuko asked innocently. "Being realistic. We're due for snow any day now, and we were already planning on staying indoors for most of winter."
Misato sighed. "True. Guess that means today will be the last day I hunt for a while." She shrugged. "Gotta make it count!" She grabbed the pitcher of water, poured herself a glass, and chugged it down before slamming the cup back on the table. "I'm going to go get ready for the hunt today. When I come back down let's get you into that wheelchair, Asuka!"
And with that, she got up from the table and left.
There was a long silence.
"See?" Asuka said.
"See what?"
"Are you an idiot? She comes into my room last night smelling like beer, and this morning she's like…that! She's clearly hungover!"
"But…she's like this almost every morning."
There was a silence.
"Okay," he said, having used that silence to realize how dense he had just sounded. "But… I mean, I check the liquor cabinet all the time, and everything's untouched."
"I know what I smelled last night, Shinji. Liquor cabinet or no, she's drinking."
Shinji thought about this. Asuka was not one to imagine things. "Okay, so she's drinking. Why is that a problem? She drank all the time back at her apartment."
"Are you kidding me? Shinji, she was a wreck the last time we lived with her! The last thing we need is her falling into old habits again." Asuka took a bite out of her frittata. "Besides," she said with her mouth full. "It's the fact that she felt the need to lie about it that makes me mad."
"Why?"
"If she's hiding her drinking, it means she doesn't trust us! And if she doesn't trust us, we obviously can't trust her!"
"You sound like a second-rate book of virtues educational show," Ritsuko muttered loudly enough that Asuka could hear her.
Asuka glared at her. "Well if you're so smart, Dr. Akagi, why don't you weigh in on this?"
"Nah."
"'Nah'?"
"It's not my problem."
Now Shinji was staring at Ritsuko in surprise, too. "What?"
Ritsuko sighed. "Look," she said finally. "Much like you two, Katsuragi's been through a lot, and I get that you're concerned about her. I've been concerned about her since the day we met all those years ago. But in my experience a person's choice to drink is their business."
Asuka harrumphed. "That may be, but considering she's our guardian, that makes it our business too."
"All the more reason for me not to get involved, then," Ritsuko replied. And with that, she got up and left, leaving Shinji and Asuka at the table.
"That woman has no concept of responsibility," Asuka said.
"Well… it's not like she wants it."
"She's an adult." Asuka tossed her food around in her plate. "She should know better."
"You said the same thing about Misato that first day she was back."
"The difference between her and Misato is that Misato tried. Dr. Akagi doesn't seem to want to make an effort to be a part of this household beyond helping me with my leg."
"She does the radio broadcasts every day. And she monitors it."
"Shinji, anyone who sits at a radio doing nothing but transmitting and listening for two weeks isn't trying to be a part of the household. They're trying to be invisible." She waved her hand. "I don't feel like talking about Dr. Akagi, she bores me. Let's talk about Misato. One of us needs to confront her about this."
He didn't really agree, but he wasn't going to argue about it. "…I guess."
"Ah, thanks for volunteering!"
"Wait, what?"
"I'm happy to coach you on how to stage interventions. First we're gonna need a big sign—"
"Hang on a second! Why me? You spend the most time with her these days."
"Isn't it obvious?" Asuka tapped her cast dramatically. "Because she can't run away from you, idiot."
She had him there. "But… what exactly am I supposed to do?"
"What do you think? Talk to her! Get her to open up about things, you know?"
Shinji sat there silently, thinking.
"Well, think of it as bonding! You two haven't had much time alone together since I got hurt, this is a chance for you two to hang out instead of me. Speaking of which…" she looked down at her legs. "…I'm glad I'll be able to actually use the bathroom on my own."
"Aww…" Misato said as she walked in, dressed in her hunting clothes, which consisted of a deerstalker cap, a red vest, and a black flannel shirt. "That's a shame. I think helping you use the toilet brought us closer than saving you from a collapsed building did!"
Asuka turned beet red while Shinji failed to prevent himself from laughing. "One day…" Asuka growled, although she couldn't help but smile a little.
"What were you two talking about?" Misato asked.
Asuka looked at Shinji. "Oh, Shinji was just thinking about joining you on your hunting trip today."
"I—what?" There was a sound from beneath the table that sounded like someone getting kicked—although Misato was puzzled to see both Asuka and Shinji make a face that suggested both had been struck by pain from the action. "I mean…yeah. I thought it could be fun."
Misato blinked. "Really? You? Hunting?"
"I mean…" Shinji shrugged. "I might as well use those shooting skills I learned piloting EVAs in the field, right?"
Misato squinted. Shinji was not one to look back on his experiences at NERV fondly, certainly not enough to bring them up so casually. Still, it would be nice to go hunting with a companion for once.
"Well, okay! Remember to grab a coat when we head out, it's pretty chilly today." She turned. "Hey Ritsuko! Is it ready?"
"I need a little help getting it through the door!" Ritsuko called.
"Be right back." Misato disappeared down the hall.
Shinji glared at Asuka. "You didn't have to kick me."
"Yeah, well, it was with a broken leg, so we're even," Asuka replied, rubbing her leg. "And you'll thank me later—like I said, bonding."
A moment later Misato returned, followed by Ritsuko wheeling in a manual wheelchair. It looked like it had been stolen from a hospital—which was exactly where it was from.
"What do you think?" Misato asked.
"It's…kind of sad-looking," Asuka remarked, noticing some obvious signs of wear and tear along the seat.
Ritsuko smirked. "Oh, I'm sorry. Next time we'll paint it red."
Asuka glared at Ritsuko. "I didn't say I hated it."
"Fine."
Shinji looked at Misato, who sighed. The fact was, Ritsuko had never really interacted with any of the pilots beyond her capacity as NERV's doctor and chief scientist. Outside of their check-ups, Ritsuko kept interactions with Asuka to a minimum.
It occurred to Misato that by taking Shinji with her, these two were going to be alone in the house for the first time ever. How was that going to go?
She shook off her initial concern and cleared her throat. "Well, let's get you in this thing." She put her arms around Asuka and gently lifted her up, transferring her into the wheelchair. She adjusted the footrests so they kept her legs supported, then stepped back. "How does it feel?"
"Nice cushion," Asuka observed, shifting slightly. She looked at the two large wheels on either side of her and gave them some tentative pulls and pushes. The wheelchair moved a little faster than she'd anticipated, causing her to quickly stop the chair. "Okay… a little bulky."
"It'll take some practice," Misato said. "But you'll get the hang of it soon enough. Hey, Rits."
"Yes?"
"Shinji's going to join me on my hunting trip today. You okay with watching Asuka?"
Ritsuko blinked. She hadn't expected this. "Uh…"
"I can watch myself, thank you!" Asuka protested.
"Oh, of course," Misato nodded quickly. "But, you know, in case you need help opening doors or getting out of the chair or going to the bathroom. You're okay with Ritsuko doing that, right Asuka?"
"Uh…" Asuka looked at Ritsuko awkwardly. "Yeah. I think so."
"Great! Well, have fun you two! Come along, Shinji." And with that, she marched out the door.
Shinji waited behind for a moment. "I'll…try to talk to her," he said to Asuka.
"Good luck," she replied.
He gave a quick smile before following Misato.
Asuka and Ritsuko remained in the kitchen for a while, then looked at each other.
"Well," Ritsuko said.
"Well," Asuka replied.
There was a silence.
"I'm gonna go practice my violin," Asuka declared.
"Do you want me to help you—?"
"No, I'm good." She pushed her chair forward and immediately bumped into a wall. "Ow." She cautiously rolled herself back before pushing forward and hitting another wall. "Ow."
"You roll one wheel at a time to steer—"
"I got it!" She turned the chair, aiming for the door to the room, only to collide with another wall. "Ow." Finally she slumped forward in frustration before sitting back up and looking over at Ritsuko.
After a moment of silence Ritsuko sighed, walked over, and pushed Asuka's wheelchair into the bedroom.
"If you insist," Asuka muttered, trying to preserve her wounded pride, and mostly failing.
Shinji looked in the flatbed of the truck. "Since when have you used a crossbow?" he asked as he grabbed the duffel carrying their supplies for the day.
"About a week," Misato explained. "Ritsuko recommended it to me—something about sustainable hunting." She picked up the crossbow in one hand and the rifle in another, and looked at them doubtfully. "I'm not really good with it, but practice makes perfect I guess. Come on, I'll show you my hunting spot."
The "hunting spot" was more or less just a giant log from a fallen over tree. It was in a small clearing with some decent coverage from the trees above, even though their leaves had fallen some time ago. Misato and Shinji propped up their two camping chairs and sat down before Misato began rummaging through the duffel.
"Protein bars… oof… nuts… eh, doable… jerky! There you go!" She pulled out a strip and bit into it. "Good stuff. Want one?"
Shinji sniffed. He didn't like the smell of jerky. "I'm good, thanks. So what's the goal for today?" he asked.
"Well, I figure our approach should be to just cut our losses and bag as many of these by lunch," Misato replied. "This is just to add to our winter meat supply. So which are you gonna take?"
"Hmm?"
"Crossbow or gun?"
"Oh, uh…gun, I guess. Since I know how to fire one of those."
"Ah yes, that's true." Misato handed him the rifle. "I imagine you'll be much better at this than I was when I first tried it out. You really got the whole nine yards in weapons experience."
He felt it in his hands, getting a feel for the weight. It felt odd, holding a gun again. The only time he'd ever really handled weapons was for matters of saving all life on Earth—or so he had been led to believe—but now he was just handling this deadly weapon to shoot some squirrels, and possibly some rabbits.
"Okay, so in interest of conserving my arrows, I'll take the ground, you take the treeline."
Shinji aimed the rifle and scanned the branches. "I don't see anything," he observed.
"Critters definitely heard us come in, that's why we need to wait around for a while. Eventually we sort of blend into the scenery. That's when you get them."
"How long will that take?"
"Eh, depends. I've had to wait at most half an hour."
"That doesn't sound very exciting."
"It really isn't."
"How do you pass the time?"
Silence. He couldn't really see her expression, it was hidden by the crossbow. He wasn't sure if she was ignoring him or distracted.
"Ms. Misato?"
"There's a rabbit, right over there."
"There is?"
"Look."
Shinji looked. Sure enough, there was a rabbit wandering around quietly. "Is it the same one you told me about from a few weeks ago?"
"No, this one's a different breed." Misato gritted her teeth. "But I'm in a less forgiving mood today." She carefully adjusted her aim, and fired.
The arrow zipped through the air and caught the rabbit squarely in the neck. It immediately collapsed.
"You got it!" Shinji exclaimed loudly.
"Shush! Don't want to scare away the others."
"Oh right, sorry."
"Wanna go retrieve it?"
"Sure!" He got up from his chair and walked over to pick up the rabbit carcass.
As he drew nearer, however, he paused slightly. The shot from the arrow seemed to have killed the rabbit quickly, but there was a small blood spatter on the ground around it.
He stared at the rabbit. What had that rabbit been thinking in the moments before it died? What had been its plans? What had—
"Shinji?"
He jumped. Misato, concerned by his hesitance, had gotten up from her chair and come directly to him.
"You okay?"
"I'm fine," he said. He knelt down and picked up the dead rabbit. "Just…" He paused, and then let out a sheepish, "I just felt bad for the rabbit."
Misato laughed. "Well, push comes to shove, you can always become a vegetarian."
Shinji continued to look at the rabbit carcass with a mixture of disgust and concern.
"If this is too much for you, you're free to sit this one out."
"Really, it's okay. So I just take the arrow out?"
"Pretty much, yeah. Gently, though."
Shinji removed the arrow from the carcass and handed it to Misato. "How do you do it?" he asked as they headed back to their chairs.
"Do what?"
"Kill these without being worried about them?"
"Oof." Misato let out a long breath. "Well, I guess the best way I can explain it is that…I just try not to think about it too much."
Shinji frowned. He didn't like that answer.
The violin playing stopped after a while. Asuka probably got tired of it.
Ritsuko checked her watch and then looked at her notebook. It was about time to do another broadcast.
She picked up the transmitter. "This is Tokyo-3, attempting to contact any—"
Bump. "Ow."
She turned. The noise came from the direction of Asuka's room. She listened for a moment, waiting for something to follow. When nothing did…
"…this is Tokyo-3. We are a party of four—"
Bump. "Ow!"
She turned again. This time, after a moment, the door gradually opened and slowly but surely Asuka emerged from her bedroom. Carefully turning, she proceeded to move through the kitchen and living room up to the sliding door that led to the backyard.
Ritsuko watched in silence as Asuka awkwardly turned the wheelchair so she could open the door. After getting into the right position, she grabbed at the handle and pulled—only to find her wheelchair move forward as a result.
After realizing her error, Asuka stopped herself, readjusted her position, put the brakes on, and tried again. Although the door moved slightly, it wasn't far enough for her to get the wheelchair through.
Asuka let go of the handle and let out a frustrated groan.
Ritsuko watched for a moment longer before turning back to the radio. "This is Tokyo-3, is anybody—"
A loud "ahem" from Asuka interrupted her. She turned back to see the girl looking at her with a tired expression, as if finally admitting defeat.
"You could have just asked," Ritsuko remarked as she got up and opened the door.
"Please," Asuka rolled her eyes. "When have I ever been known to ask for help?"
"Where are you headed?"
"I wanted to wheel around outside for a bit," Asuka explained as she reached down and released the brakes. "I've been cooped up indoors for weeks, wanted to get some fresh air."
A bit absentmindedly, Ritsuko put her hands on the handles of the wheelchair and started to push Asuka outside.
"HEY!" Asuka whirled around and glared at her. "No touching the handles!"
"Sorry!" Ritsuko quickly held her hands up. "I thought you wanted help!"
Asuka gritted her teeth. "I'm fine," she grunted. "I don't need any help, I can do this." She gripped the wheels and pushed herself outside.
Ritsuko watched for a moment, wondering if she should follow to make sure nothing bad happened.
After a moment, she walked back to the radio. "This is Tokyo-3. Can—" She stopped and listened.
She could hear Asuka muttering to herself—probably words of encouragement.
After listening for a moment longer, she began again. "This is Tokyo-3. Is anybody out there?"
The Burden of Other Peoples' Lives
It was noon out here in the woods. They had been waiting around for about two hours. In that time Misato managed to kill three squirrels and even a racoon dog, which was a first.
They weren't without casualties on their end, however.
"Welp, this arrow's toast," she said as she tossed it over her shoulder. "Guess I used it too much."
Shinji felt a little disappointed in himself. This entire time he hadn't killed a single animal. And it wasn't because he was a bad shot or anything—it was that he hadn't fire the gun at all. He'd seen a few squirrels up there, but every time he would hesitate to pull the trigger, and the squirrel would get out of his sights.
He was also annoyed with himself for still not saying anything related to the whole reason he was out here in the woods in the first place.
"Misato?"
"Yes, Shinji?"
"There's something important I need to ask you, is that alright?"
"Well, I mean, it's not like there's much else happening here, is there?"
He took a deep breath. "Why do—did you drink so much?"
"Oh." She gave a nervous laugh. "Okay, wow, that's… that's not an easy question to answer, Shinji." She laughed again.
Shinji sat there patiently, waiting.
Misato's eyes darted around their surroundings. When he'd asked her how she usually passed the time when she was alone out here, she'd purposely avoided saying anything about the beer cans she usually kept in her travel bag. That rabbit had been a lucky excuse.
Unfortunately, there didn't seem to be any animals in the vicinity to save her at the moment.
She sighed. No avoiding this. "Well, you know about my father, right?"
"Of course."
"And you know I was a bit of a party girl in college, right?"
"Kaji said something about that."
"Damn right he did. I guess drinking just became my… distraction from having to deal with certain things. And then the stress of the angels and working for NERV…" She trailed off. She didn't feel comfortable talking too much about her actions pre-Third Impact. "Think of it like… like how Asuka plays the violin all the time. Or… like how Ritsuko sits at that radio all day."
"Right." Shinji was feeling a twinge of annoyance, like he was being spoken to like a child. Not to say he wasn't, but after everything that had happened, he kind of wanted Misato to see him on more equal footing. "But you don't have to worry about any of that now?"
Misato pursed her lips. "I… well… hey look, a squirrel!"
You gotta be kidding me.
"Misato, I really think—"
"Shinji, up there in the trees!" Misato pointed. "See if you can bag that! Don't think I haven't noticed you're not shooting anything!"
Don't you dare.
Shinji tried to pull things back. "I just think that maybe—!"
"Do it now, it's getting away!"
Don't let her run away from—
"Shinji!" Now she was poking his arm.
"Alright, alright!" He raised the rifle and aimed it at the squirrel.
Center the target.
"Hurry up before it gets into its burrow!"
Fire.
He pulled the trigger.
The bullet ripped through the air and collided with its target. The squirrel stumbled before falling from the branches and straight down to the ground.
"You got it!" Misato exclaimed. "Way to go, Shinji!"
Silence.
"Shinji?"
Shinji blinked. For one thing, he felt a little bruise on his shoulder from the kickback of the rifle. But there was also a distinct ringing in his ears, one that wasn't going away.
He was lucid enough to hear the bullets and the screams. He wasn't really thinking about them, but he knew enough to realize the sound of gunshots meant people were dying nearby.
"We've located the Third Child," a voice he didn't recognize said.
He could catch a glimpse of the shadows nearby. He was surrounded. It didn't take a genius to figure out what was about to happen.
He heard the click of a pistol. "Sorry kid," the voice said. "It's nothing personal." The voice was cold, uncaring. As if this didn't mean anything to him.
He heard the sound of gunshots. But they weren't coming from the gun he knew was pointed at his head.
A body fell nearby. Then several more.
"Nothing personal, either," another voice, one he recognized said with anger.
Another gunshot, this time followed by the distinctly sickening sound of blood splattering against the wall.
Ms. Misato had just saved his life.
He didn't care.
"Shinji?" she asked.
No answer.
He felt her place a hand on his shoulder. "Shinji… deep breaths… let it all out, Shinji."
His mind came back into focus. He was leaning over the log with Misato gently patting his back, and there was something on the ground before him… and there was more of it coming out of his m—oh god.
He spat out the rest of it, as the wave of nausea passed over and the ringing in his ears finally stopped. "Eugh," he coughed as he stood up. "I… sorry."
"Don't worry about it." Misato pulled out a handkerchief and gently wiped off the area around his face before handing him a bottle of water. "Well… I guess that's enough hunting for today."
"Yeah." He went to move his chair.
"No, no, let's just sit for a bit. We could use a break, anyway." She sat down in her chair and pulled out the bag of jerky. "Some food might help."
Shinji looked at the jerky doubtfully. "Could I have the protein bar instead?"
"Well, okay." Misato pulled out the protein bar and handed it to Shinji. "Personally, these are too rich for my taste."
Shinji bit in and felt a wave of relief. This bar had chocolate in it. He washed it down with some water. "I'm really sorry about that," he said.
"Shinji, it's fine, don't worry about that. Just give yourself some time to rest."
They sat there quietly while Shinji ate his snack and Misato started packing up.
She carefully unloaded the rifle and started putting the unused bullets in a pouch.
Finally, Shinji spoke up. "Could I ask you something?"
"Hmm?"
"How do you… rationalize hunting?"
"Rationalize it?"
"Well just…the act of killing in general. Squirrel or…well, human."
Misato put down the rifle. "Hmm… well, I guess in some ways you can't rationalize it. There's always something tragic in a life leaving the Earth." She looked at the various animal corpses she had lying nearby. "But at least in our case… this is about our survival—there's a purpose to what we're doing. It's not for sport, it's not wanton destruction others will do. Like… well, how many people died at NERV because SEELE and the JSSDF cared so little about life, in service of their greater plan?"
Shinji nodded.
"Death needs to have meaning to it. It shouldn't be for fun, it shouldn't be for someone's personal benefit, it needs to serve a purpose. So… I don't see any reason for anyone or anything to die if that death won't come to anything good."
Shinji sat there quietly. But… you died because you thought I was going to save the world. And I didn't. That means your death meant—
"No."
He looked up, surprised. "I didn't say any—"
"I could see it on your face." Misato leaned in and held his hands in hers. "Shinji, you were a child. The world ended because a bunch of greedy men in suits thought it was okay to torture a bunch of children for no reason other than their own benefit." She stood up and began collecting the animal carcasses. "That burden should have never fallen on you, and I won't let you carry it. Come on, let's head back to the truck."
Shinji stood up, folded his chair, and started to follow Misato back to where they'd parked the truck. But there was something else bothering him, something about what she had just said, that he needed to get off his chest. "Misato?"
"Yes?"
"Are you drinking again?"
Misato stopped dead in her tracks.
Shinji held his breath.
"What makes you say that?" she asked finally.
"Asuka thought she smelled alcohol on your breath last night."
Misato was quiet for a very long time.
Shinji waited.
"No, Shinji. I'm not drinking again. She must have imagined it." And she continued forward.
Shinji stared at her, disappointed.
Liar.
"Come on, Asuka. It's just grass."
She eased the wheelchair forward by a few centimeters, only to feel it lurch to the side as it rolled through a divot in the ground. She let out a yelp and retreated.
This was absolutely ridiculous. In the past ten minutes she'd barely made it even halfway around the house. She felt like one of those pathetic kids at an ice skating rink who chose to tip-toe around the outer edge clinging to the railing instead of just going into the goddamn center and letting themselves be free.
Free? This wasn't being free. The wheelchair was supposed to be her way of gaining some independence in her recovery. She couldn't even make it around the fucking house. God, she felt so helpless in this thing.
"You know," Dr. Akagi's voice said from behind, startling her. "You'd probably have a better time practicing this on the sidewalk or something."
"How long have you been standing there?"
"Well, I decided watching you try this would be a more interesting use of my time than staring at the radio all morning."
"Hah."
Ritsuko stood there silently for a moment. "Want me to push you?"
"No thanks."
"Seriously, just tell me where you want go and I can—"
"I don't need your help, Dr. Akagi!" Asuka raised her voice. "Just…go back inside and play with your radio."
Ritsuko folded her arms. "Well…okay then." And she started back for the house.
Asuka didn't turn to look back at her. She didn't need Ritsuko's help. She didn't need anyone's help. She was Asuka Langley Soryu! She'd swum in molten lava! She'd defeated angels! She'd died and come back to life!
And this? This was a stupid wheelchair! She could easily handle this! She didn't need anyone! She could do this all on her own!
She was about to grab at the wheels again when she felt something in her right arm.
Yeah, that's what I figured.
She immediately grabbed at her wrist and doubled over into the chair. The arm was bundled under the coat she was wearing, yet it felt like a blade was cutting right through the center of it. And it wouldn't stop cutting.
The only relief she could feel was that she was alone outside right now, and there wasn't anyone who—
"Asuka?"
She looked up to see Ritsuko kneeling right next to her, hand on the wheelchair's armrest.
No. Nonononono.
Her self-defense instincts kicked in. "Back off!" she hissed.
"Sorry!" Ritsuko jumped back slightly. She watched as Asuka curled further into herself as she tried to shield her arm with the rest of her body. Her breathing was speeding up—from Ritsuko's perspective she was having a panic attack.
This wouldn't do at all. Asuka may have rejected her help, but she was still her patient.
"Asuka," she said in as gentle a voice as possible.
"What?!" Asuka seethed as she briefly looked up to glare at Ritsuko.
"Tell me what you need now."
Asuka blinked. "Wh-what?"
"Tell me what you need."
"I…" The question seemed to stun Asuka. "I… I need…"
"Do you need me to take you back inside?"
She didn't answer right away. But after a few heavy breaths she nodded.
Ritsuko gently placed her hands on the handles of the wheelchair and turned it around before pushing it back into the house.
By the time Ritsuko had parked the wheelchair in the living room, the pain had mostly subsided. Asuka cautiously released her hold on her arm and looked at it. She gave her fingers a tentative wiggle.
Before she could do anything else, she found herself staring at a plush panda bear.
"What the hell is this?" she asked, looking up at the person holding it.
"Something I found in my closet," Ritsuko said. "I think it belonged to the previous owners."
Asuka scowled. "I don't want it."
"I really think you should take it."
"I'm not a baby, Dr. Akagi."
"Think of it as a stress toy. Just squeeze it."
Asuka stared at it for a moment longer. "Fine."
She took the panda, gave it a look over, and then began squeezing it as tightly as possible with her hands.
The toy's face distorted until it looked rather goofy.
Asuka stopped squeezing and stared at the panda again. Finally, she held it against her chest, then reluctantly tilted her head down to rest on it.
"Okay, you win," she muttered to Ritsuko.
"Win? I don't recall us ever competing."
Asuka laughed slightly. "Thanks, I guess."
"You're welcome. Can I help you take off your coat?"
"Sure."
Ritsuko helped remove Asuka's coat and laid it out on the back of the sofa before sitting back down. "I take it this isn't the first time that's happened?"
Asuka shook her head as she continued to hold the toy.
"When did it start?"
"Sometime after the accident. I just… woke up one night and it felt like my entire arm was in two."
Ritsuko eyed the scar on Asuka's arm. She already knew about the death scars both Asuka and Misato possessed—hell, she had one herself from her failed attempt at stopping Ikari—but this was the first time she'd heard of one of the scars becoming a phantom injury.
Well, Asuka's case was particularly traumatic. Ritsuko and Misato's deaths were tame compared to hers.
"It's just the arm?"
"Yeah."
That also made sense. Asuka hated nothing more than losing victory right when it was within reach—and a Lance of Longinus going straight through her arm was what really sealed the coffin for her defeat during that gruesome final battle.
"Have you… talked to anyone about this?"
"Talk?" Asuka looked at her. "Like who, a therapist? Little hard to find one these days."
"You know what I mean, smartass."
Asuka looked at her hand again. "No."
"Why not?"
"What are they gonna do about it? 'Oh Asuka, I'm sorry your arm hurts, let me give you a hug!' Last thing I need is another thing for people to freak out about."
"I thought you liked the attention Katsuragi's been giving you."
"Well, I do, but…" She wiggled her fingers again. "I don't want her to worry about me. I should be able to do things without her being so… concerned all the time."
"Hmm," Ritsuko nodded. "Especially when she has things about herself she should be worrying about."
Asuka smirked. "Yeah. Same goes for Shinji, I suppose."
They were quiet for a while.
"Well, it's your decision…" Ritsuko said slowly. "But… you shouldn't have to go through any of this alone. Not when you've got a support system so readily available to you. I mean, I know the concept of accepting help from others is foreign to you—"
"Oh, fuck you."
"BUT… at least you have people who are willing to help."
Asuka blinked. "What do you mean by…" She trailed off as she glanced back at the radio, where Ritsuko had more or less disappeared into the background for the past few weeks. "Oh." She thought for a minute. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Thanks, by the way."
"For what?"
"For being part of that support system."
Ritsuko stared at her. Then she laughed slightly. "I don't—"
"You're here, aren't you? Helping me? So… thanks."
Ritsuko was silent for a moment. "You're welcome, Asuka."
Asuka smiled. "Well…I still want to try getting around the house, do you think—" She stopped as she stared out the backdoor.
"What?" Ritsuko asked. And then she saw.
In the backyard, coming down gently but clearly, were tiny white specks of snow.
"Misato?"
"Yeah?"
"Is…is it snowing?"
The truck came to a halt. They stared at the windshield. Sure enough, tiny snowflakes were landing on the glass, lightly obscuring the view.
"Well," Misato remarked. "There's something you don't see every day." She winked at Shinji. "Or, well, ever."
When the truck pulled up in front of the house, Asuka and Ritsuko were already outside waiting for them. By this time, the snow was really starting to gather.
"Get a load of this!" Ritsuko exclaimed.
"Yeah, we noticed," Misato laughed. "Oh my god… there hasn't been a snowstorm in Japan for fifteen years!"
Asuka snorted. "Meh, I've seen plenty in my time." She looked at Shinji. "Hey! You're not supposed to eat it!"
"Why not?" Shinji asked as he brought his snowflake-covered tongue back into his mouth. "It's just ice."
"Well how'd the hunting trip go?" Ritsuko asked.
"Decent. Got a few last animals in. Shinji here bagged a squirrel."
"Really?" Asuka stared at him. "I didn't know you had it in you, Shinji."
Shinji coughed nervously. "Well, uh… you know. Didn't hurt to try… I never want to do it again, though."
Asuka raised an eyebrow. "That's all that happened?"
"Pretty much," Misato shrugged. "Anyway, I guess with the snow coming down, it's a clear sign that… that uh…" She trailed off as she stared at something in the distance.
Confused, the rest of them turned to look at what she was staring at.
Rei.
Misato sprung into action. "Ritsuko, with me!"
"Right!"
Shinji and Asuka made a move to follow.
"No!" Misato stopped and held up a hand. "Asuka, I don't want you driving that thing in the snow!"
"Oh, come on!"
"Shinji, stay with Asuka! And both of you get inside, it's freezing out!" And then she and Ritsuko both disappeared in the direction of the beach.
Shinji and Asuka remained where they were.
"What's the rush?" Asuka asked with a raised eyebrow.
"I guess they want to make sure whoever it is doesn't freeze to death," Shinji replied.
"Ah." Asuka pursed her lips. "So… how'd your intervention go?"
"Well… she said she's not drinking," he said slowly.
"Uh huh. Did you believe her?"
"Not at all."
"Told you."
"But it wasn't a total waste of time… I think I learned a few things about her I didn't know before."
Asuka wasn't sure what he meant by that. "Okay…?"
"I'll explain later. What about you? How'd your day go?"
"Well… I had a surprisingly enlightening day myself." She looked at her arm. "There's something I want to talk to you about."
"Okay."
They were silent as he patiently waited for whatever it was she wanted to talk about.
She scowled. "…I would prefer to do it inside."
"Oh, right."
They were reaching the edge of the path when Misato slipped and fell flat on her bottom.
"You okay?" Ritsuko asked.
"Yeah!" She pushed herself up. "Well, that's a hazard I didn't expect to have to deal with."
"Get used to it, Katsuragi."
They continued until they reached the beach. They scanned their surroundings. It was weird seeing this place in the middle of a snowstorm.
"Over there!" Ritsuko pointed. Sure enough, with the waves of LCL gently washing against their ankles, was a body.
As they got closer, however, they began to notice things about this body. Whoever it was wore a tan jumpsuit, with gold stripes on the shoulders and a belt around their waist…
That's a NERV uniform, Ritsuko thought to herself. But there was something else… she could recognize that petite figure anywhere. She immediately sped up.
"Hey, hold on a second!" Misato called, trailing behind her.
But Ritsuko had to see who this was. Stumbling over the sand, she finally made it and turned the body over so she could know for sure…
Misato came to a halt. "Ritsuko?"
Ritsuko could only stare in shock as she took in who it was lying in the sand before her.
Misato took a few steps forward so she could get a clearer view. She stopped when it finally clicked for her. "Lieutenant…" she whispered. "Lieutenant Ibuki?"
A single word escaped from Ritsuko's lips. "Maya."