Author's Note: October 27, 2020

First off, thank you so much to the wonderful reviews and messages you left after my request for feedback on the last chapter! It's gonna be really helpful in where I take the story going forward.

I also have some bad news: I am going to take a little bit of a break from this story. Not as long as the pause in updates over the summer, but I've been working on this almost nonstop for a few weeks and it's affecting my workflow on a couple of other projects I'm doing. Don't worry, I'm not putting this away and abandoning it: it's just pretty rough putting yourself into the mindset of these characters who have been through some really awful experiences, so I think I need a little time away from writing/thinking about Evangelion.

Don't worry, though. Next update will be out before the fourth Rebuild film.

Shinji opened his eyes to a mesh of red hair in his face.

At first he was too tired to really register who it belonged to. His first thought was, There's a lot of hair in my face and it's making it difficult for me to breathe, so I'd like it to go away.

So he began to back away from the red hair, raising his arm to kind of brush it back as he did so. But then he felt someone whine in protest and press their face against his chest.

And then he realized that someone was Asuka, and they were still clinging to each other the next morning.

He looked over at the alarm clock. 8:04. Around time they should be eating breakfast.

But then again he didn't hear any movement out in the kitchen, so that probably meant Misato and Ritsuko weren't up yet.

Asuka still seemed to be sound asleep, and he didn't want to wake her. So he settled back in and closed his eyes.

He felt the warmth of Asuka against him, and her gentle breathing. Come to think of it, this was probably the most peaceful sleep the both of them had in a very long time.

You don't deserve this.

The sudden thought made him open his eyes again. He looked down at Asuka again. He thought about the very reason they were in this situation.

He let out a heavy sigh.

The sound caused Asuka to stir.

Crap.

She tiredly looked up at him. "Oh," she said, as if surprised to see him still there. "Hi."

"Hi."

They stared at each other for a moment. Finally, Asuka grunted, "Five more minutes," before settling back into his chest.

Five more minutes couldn't hurt. But there was no way Shinji was going back to sleep. So he settled for continuing to cradle Asuka in his arms.

You don't deserve any of this.

Episode 14: The New Roommate

Misato put her hands on her hips disapprovingly as she stared at the snoring woman in the chair. Finally, she opened her water bottle, poured some into her hand, and splashed it on Ritsuko.

"What the—" Ritsuko sputtered awake. "What the hell was that for?!"

"You were supposed to be keeping watch," Misato said judgmentally as she motioned to the snoring Maya Ibuki. "Sleeping isn't watching."

Ritsuko used her sleeve to wipe away some of the water. "Relax," she said. "Poor girl was out like a log. You know, she has night terrors."

"Oh." Misato couldn't help but feel a tiny bit of sympathy. "Well… I guess I would too," she admitted. "But that doesn't excuse anything!"

"Yeah, yeah. Meeting after breakfast?"

"Sounds good. I'll keep watch, you go wake up the kids."

"Sure thing." Ritsuko stood up and headed for the door.

"How'd it go, otherwise?" Misato asked.

Ritsuko shrugged. "Fine, I guess."

Misato turned back to the bed. She decided it was best not to question why she'd noticed a strand of blond hair on one of the pillows.

Shinji and Asuka were both seated at the table. Breakfast had come and gone, and now they were waiting for Misato and Ritsuko to bring Maya down.

"I still think this is all unnecessary," Shinji said.

"Well," Asuka replied. "As I've pointed out to you before, your Japanese doors don't have actual locks on them. If they did, we could just lock her in a room and forget about her til spring. Instead, we have to tie her up."

"We're treating her like a prisoner. It's not fair, especially after all she did for us."

Asuka squinted. Were she in any other state of mind she would berate him for taking Maya's side after she had explicitly tried to kill him. But then again Asuka wasn't exactly one to talk. "Look," she sighed. "Misato just doesn't want her to hurt you again, okay? None of us do. So this is what we have to work with…"

"I guess…"

They heard some footsteps, and turned to see Misato and Ritsuko leading Maya down the hallway towards Asuka's room.

As they walked by, Maya's eyes focused on Shinji and she shot him an angry scowl.

"Good morning," he said.

The scowl faltered. The last Shinji saw of her before she was led into Asuka's room was a stunned Maya trying to comprehend what she had just heard.

"Kill her with kindness," Asuka mused. "Sound strategy."

"Strategy? I was just trying to be nice."

"You would."

After another minute or so, Misato and Ritsuko emerged. "Secured," Misato said, closing the door behind her. She sat down in her chair. "So… let's figure this out. What are we to do about Ms. Maya Ibuki?"

There was a brief pause as everyone looked at each other. No one was exactly clambering to make the first statement.

Finally, Shinji spoke up. "Well… we can't just kick her out."

Somehow it didn't surprise anyone that he would say that. "Shinji…" Misato said.

"Look at it out there!" Shinji exclaimed. He motioned outside. The storm had stopped during the night, but there was now a 50cm layer of snow coating the entire yard. "Maybe if she'd come back during the summer or fall it would've been different, but… if we send her out into that, where will she find shelter? Heat? Water? Food?"

"He's right," Ritsuko said. "Kicking her out is tantamount to a death sentence."

Misato gritted her teeth. She wanted Maya as far away from the house as possible, but they had a point. "Asuka?"

"I agree with them," Asuka said after a moment.

Misato sighed. There was no fighting this. "Okay, fine. So we allow her to stay for now. But then how do we make sure she doesn't try to kill Shinji again?"

The question was met with silence once more as some awkward glances were made across the table.

Then Ritsuko said something that surprised everyone. "I don't think we need to."

Everyone looked at her.

"We had a little chat last night," she continued. "I get the impression what happened yesterday was something that happened purely on impulse."

"An impulse to murder?"

"Hear me out a second. She had just woken up from an incredibly traumatic experience, she was exhausted, she was confused, so she…" Ritsuko looked at Shinji. "…she needed an outlet."

"An outlet? Give her a stress ball then, not someone's neck!"

"Well, Shinji here knows something about that," Asuka muttered, intentionally feeling her throat.

Shinji embarrassingly sunk into his chair.

"My point is," Ritsuko continued. "What happened yesterday was her at her most emotionally volatile. She's had a chance to rest, to acclimate to her environment… I mean, from our talk it doesn't sound like she wants to kill him, she just hates his guts. No offense, Shinji."

"No, I… I get that."

"So what?" Misato retorted. "You're saying we just let her live here as a roommate, like everything's fine? I'm sorry, Rits, but I don't like that at all. I'd feel much better locking her in a room and bringing her food and water."

Shinji felt the need to interject. "We can't just lock up everyone who comes back from Third Impact and wants to kill me."

Misato looked at him. "Shinji, it's not like every—"

"You don't know how many others there are." He sat up a little. "Millions of people know what I did. There could be plenty of others like Lieutenant Ibuki."

There was a silence as his point sunk in.

"What if we get her to promise not to hurt Shinji?" Ritsuko spitballed.

Misato laughed. "That is definitely not enough."

"I don't know," Shinji shrugged. "I trust her word."

"Yeah, well I don't."

Shinji muttered under his breath. "You're one to talk."

"What?"

"Nothing."

Misato had, in fact, heard him. But she wasn't entirely sure what he was talking about.

Asuka, however, was, and she knew they needed to get off this topic as soon as possible. "What if we gave her a babysitter?" she said quickly.

Everyone turned to Asuka. "A babysitter?"

"Yeah. Someone to keep tabs on her all the time while she's out and about, make sure she's never alone in a room with Shinji."

Misato thought about it. "I mean, that could hypothetically work, but that's a lot of responsibility to give to—"

"I'll do it."

Misato turned to Ritsuko. "Seriously?"

"I didn't properly prepare her yesterday," Ritsuko said. "That should have been my job as her superior. I failed, and it caused this whole mess. That makes her actions my responsibility."

Everyone stared at her, confounded.

Ritsuko continued. "We can set her up in my room, I'll keep an eye on her 24/7, make sure she and Shinji are never alone together, and if she tries any funny business I can restrain her."

There was a long silence.

"I think that could work," Shinji said.

Misato blinked. "Awfully quick to want to be her roommate, aren't you Rits?"

"I'm serious."

"Alright, alright. So, she lives here freely, as a roommate, but under the strict watch of Ritsuko. I think these terms are fair, don't you all?"

"What do you mean 'no'?!"

Maya glared up at her from the chair she was tied to. "I said what I said."

Misato exchanged glances with Ritsuko. "Ibuki, we're basically offering you free housing! Even after what you did yesterday, we're giving you a chance! We spent a whole-ass meeting figuring out how to get to this point!"

"Yeah, well, you didn't exactly consult me in your meeting. I mean, why do you think I'd even want to live in the same house as him? I'm better off just going out on my own!"

Ritsuko shook her head. "Maya, you don't have a choice. If yesterday's snowstorm was any indication, we're in for a bad winter. We have food, we have water, shelter, and power to get us through it, and as far as we know we're the only ones who have that for miles. You'd be dead within weeks if you went out alone." She crossed her arms. "An anti-climax, don't you agree?"

Maya considered this.

"However," Ritsuko continued. "Come springtime, if you wish, you are more than welcome to leave."

"So I have to spend four months being roommates with a murderer."

"He's not—" Misato shut her mouth.

Maya smirked. "Can't even deny it, can you? Just toss me in a closet and forget about me. I'd much prefer that than this nonsense."

"Well?" Asuka asked.

"She's not cooperating," Misato replied. "I don't remember her being so stubborn. I mean, I think we're being generous, considering everything that happened yesterday!"

Ritsuko shrugged. "Look at it from her position. We're basically asking her to live in the same household with the boy whom she blames for all of her trauma—again, no offense, Shinji."

"No, seriously, I get it."

"If I were Maya," Ritsuko continued. "I would want to see as little of Shinji as possible, even if that meant solitary confinement."

Shinji thought about this for a moment before speaking up. "Maybe I should talk to her."

"No," Misato replied immediately.

"If she doesn't want to live with me, maybe I could convince—"

"Shinji, the last thing we need is her talking with you."

"Well what if I did?" Asuka suggested.

There was a slight pause. "What makes you think that'd work?" Misato ask.

"Well… she'd rather shut herself away than deal with her problems," Asuka surmised. "I practically patented that method."

Maya looked a little surprised when Asuka rolled in on her wheelchair a few minutes later, followed closely by Misato. "I figured we should have a chat."

"Asuka…"

"In the flesh." She positioned the chair so she was facing Ibuki.

"What happened to your legs?" Maya asked. There was a whiff of concern.

Asuka looked down. "Temper tantrum," she replied. "So, I understand you don't want to live in the same house as Shinji. Well, as the one here who's been living with him the longest, I'm here to allay any concerns."

Whatever concern was on Maya's face was replaced with a scowl. She looked away.

"I know what it must have looked like. Seeing me out there."

That got Maya's attention again.

Asuka pointed at the scarring around her eye. "God knows what it felt like." She held up her arm, tracing a finger down the long scar. "Wanna see the rest?" Asuka reached down to the hem of her shirt and pulled it up.

Maya took one look at the mess of scars lining Asuka's stomach and was immediately reminded of the most horrific image she had ever witnessed. She gagged audibly.

"Yeah." Asuka put her shirt back down. "Thought you might react."

Maya took a deep breath. "Why would you show me that?"

"Because every time I look in the mirror, change clothes, or just try to go about my day, I have to look at these and remember just how much pain I was put through for no reason other than I was an Eva pilot. And you know what? Everyone in this household contributed to that in some way." She pointed at Misato. "She wouldn't help me even when I was at my lowest. Your senpai straight up helped things get to that point. Even you, Ibuki—"

"Just what the hell did I do?!" Maya spat back.

Misato took a step forward. "Easy now."

"No, I'm serious! Why the hell am I supposed to take any blame for this?! I knew nothing!"

"Nothing?" Asuka laughed. "How many times did Commander Ikari give an order that you knew was wrong? Activating the dummy plug when we fought the 13th Angel? Forcing us out into the field when we weren't ready? Hell, putting children inside a bunch of robots to fight giant monsters?!"

"How was I supposed to know?!"

"Fuck knowing! At any damn point, you could have said no!"

Maya was fuming now. "Why are you telling me all this?" she breathed.

Asuka smiled. "Because I don't care. About any of it."

Maya stared at her in surprise.

"Honest to god. I don't give a shit what you did." She pointed at the woman watching from the corner. "You know what happened when Misato came back? I wanted nothing to do with her! I wanted her to go away, but she refused!"

"And what, you finally relented?"

"Like hell she did," Misato muttered.

"All she wanted to do was help me move forward," Asuka said. "And I kept pushing her away… until I got hurt." She sighed. "And that's when I realized I couldn't hold on to that anger anymore. It was holding me back."

There was a very long silence. Maya seemed to be seriously considering this.

"What about Shinji?" she asked finally.

"What about him?"

"You're willing to forgive Katsuragi for being negligent. You're willing to forgive me for being complacent. What about the boy who let you die out there?" She nodded in Asuka's general direction. "The reason those scars are on your body?"

Asuka gritted her teeth. "He's not the only reason."

"He might as well be. It's only one in his long list of sins."

Asuka thought about her response.

Maya prodded. "How can you forgive him for what he did to you at the hospital?"

Oh no.

"I don't think that's any of your business," Misato said quickly.

"Why not? Everything's on the table after Instrumentality." Maya looked back at Asuka and leaned forward. "He jerked himself off over your naked, unconscious body, how can you just forgive him for that?"

Asuka closed her eyes and gripped the handles of her wheelchair. She hated being reminded of that moment. Of the many things Shinji had done to hurt her, it was one she still tried to avoid thinking about.

Misato looked at her, concerned. "Asuka? You don't have to answer that."

Finally, Asuka opened her eyes. "I haven't forgiven him," she said bluntly. "I haven't forgiven anyone. In fact, as far as Shinji's concerned, there are still a lot of things that happened between us that make my blood boil."

"So you do get it."

Asuka looked over at the bed. She remembered waking up in Shinji's arms that morning, and how at peace she'd felt in that moment. "But what I've learned," she continued. "Is that anger isn't productive. It's better to move on from the past than dwell on it."

Maya squinted. "Easy for you to say."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I'm saying," Maya sneered. "That you have other reasons for wanting to move on from hating him."

"I'm…"

"Don't try to deny it. It was obvious long before Third Impact. Who knows what you two have been up to since you got back?"

The implication hung in the air.

Asuka felt a twinge of anger. Why did they have to use her room to hold Ibuki? This was her private space, a space she could let people in on her own terms. Having Ibuki here, and calling her out like this, felt like a violation of her space.

"…so what?" Asuka asked finally, glaring back at Maya. "What's that got to do with anything?"

"You're so happy to live and let live because you want to do other things with him," Maya replied. "It's why you're able to forget your anger. I don't have any of that."

Asuka looked to Misato for help, but the older woman could only give a helpless shrug.

Finally, "We're trying to help you," Asuka said through gritted teeth.

"Well clearly I don't want your help." She turned her head to look out the window. "Sorry about your leg," she added with a mutter, and that was that.

Ritsuko watched as Asuka and Misato emerged. "I take it that didn't go well."

"Not by a long shot," Misato nodded.

Shinji noticed Asuka looked particularly miffed. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing," she muttered. It wasn't fair, she thought to herself. The whole reason she and Shinji hadn't done much this whole time was specifically because they weren't able to move on from the past. What happened last night was practically a milestone, and that was just hugging.

"Well, she's clearly not budging on this," Misato said. "So what do we do?"

"I want to talk to her," Shinji said.

Misato looked up. "Shinji, that's not going to—"

"Who else is left?" he interrupted. "Maybe if she hears me out, she'll change her mind."

"Shinji, the last thing we want to do is—"

"I think it's a good idea," Ritsuko said.

Misato stared at her in shock. "Are you kidding me?"

"She's tied up, Katsuragi. She's not going anywhere. Maybe it'll help to try to get them on the same page."

"I think it makes sense," Asuka said after a moment.

Misato looked between the three of them, dumbfounded. "No," she said. "No, no, no, absolutely NOT."

A Long Time Coming

Maya was starting to get a little impatient.

What was so hard about locking her away somewhere and forgetting about her? Why would they try to force her to be his roommate of all things?

She didn't understand it at all.

She heard the door open and looked up to see Misato re-entering the room.

And then her blood ran cold when she saw who was following her. "No," she said. "No. Nonononono."

Misato chuckled. "For once we're on the same page."

"I just want to talk," Shinji said.

"You stay away from me! Go away!"

"Huh," Misato observed. 'You're singing a different tune from yesterday."

"Misato." Shinji took a deep breath. "I've got this."

"You're sure?"

"I am."

"Well, I'll be right here if you need anything." She parked herself in a corner of the room once again.

Maya looked at her, before looking at Shinji.

"Don't come any closer," she said.

"I won't."

"If you come any closer I'll—" She stopped.

"You'll... what, exactly?"

Maya slouched in her chair. "Don't mock me."

"I'm not." Shinji grabbed a chair and sat down across from Maya. "I just want to hear you out."

"I've said what I wanted to say," Maya replied. "I don't want anything to do with you, and if that means I'm tied up and locked away for the next several months, I'll take it."

"We're not tying you up and locking you away," Shinji said, glancing at Misato, who gave a reluctant nod. "I… made them promise not to do that."

Maya squinted. "Why would you do that? How do you know I'm not gonna try to kill you the first chance I get?"

Misato's expression darkened, but she was stopped by Shinji turning to her.

"I've got this," he repeated.

Misato looked like she wanted to say something, but she returned to leaning against the wall.

Shinji waited for a moment before turning back to Maya. "Are you?"

"Am I what?"

"Are you going to try to kill me at the first chance you get?"

Maya didn't answer right away. She seemed to be thinking. "That's assuming you actually untie me," she pointed out. "And I told you, I'd rather be tied up and locked away than live with the likes of you."

Shinji stared at her. "Why do you hate me so much?"

Maya looked at him in disbelief. "You know why."

"Just… I want to hear you say it."

Maya groaned. "Fine. You cowered inside NERV while the rest of us were getting massacred. You made no effort to help Asuka when she was getting torn to pieces by the Mass Production Evas. You let hundreds of people die because you were too sick of the world to do anything. And when you were given the power to save us all—"

Misato had had enough. "That was out of his control!" she shouted.

"He made the choice!"

"He was manipulated into doing it, how hard is it for you to—"

"MISATO!" Shinji looked up at her, frustrated. "Could you leave?"

"What?"

"I want to talk with her alone!"

Misato couldn't believe her ears. "Shinji, I'm not leaving you alone with—"

"She's tied up! What's she gonna do, kick me?"

Misato's eyes darted between the two before finally settling on Maya. "I swear to god, if I so much as suspect something, I'll—" She hesitated. "Just… don't make this harder on us!" And she stormed out of the room.

Maya stared at the door. "Ballsy move," she muttered. "But her being gone isn't going to change anything."

Shinji stared at her. "I'm sorry."

"What?"

"I'm sorry. For everything I did. For abandoning the world when I was supposed to save it. For letting you and your coworkers die. I really am sorry."

Maya laughed incredulously. "You're sorry? Do you seriously think that's gonna make things better, just an apology?"

Shinji took a deep breath. He didn't. "So then what will make things better?"

"What?"

"What'll make this better for you? What can I do, Ibuki? What could I possibly do that would make any of this better?"

Maya was silent. Shinji had a suspicion she genuinely didn't know how to respond.

"What can I do?" he repeated.

"Nothing!" Maya finally shouted. "There's nothing, Shinji," she sighed.

The room went quiet, Shinji wondering what he could say next, and Maya looking miserable.

"You know," he said after a while. "When I came back, I remember just lying on the beach for a long time. I was exhausted. I'd just experienced the hearts and minds of the entire world at once, and I just needed the time to process it all. I must have laid there for hours, just staring up at the sky, at the blood of Lilith stretching across it, staining the moon."

He checked. It seemed that Maya was listening.

"After a while I was hungry. So I got up and started looking around for food. Eventually I found this house—the door was locked, so I started looking for another way in, and then I noticed they had a greenhouse. So I went in there, and the first thing I saw were a bunch of tomatoes. They were pretty overripe—they tasted awful, but I needed something in my stomach, so I scarfed down a few. Then I found a rock, and I used it to bash the lock open on the front door. I found a bed, and I slept." He pointed over to the bed. "That one over there."

Maya looked at the bed, then back at Shinji.

"The next day, I went back to the greenhouse, and I noticed the plants were looking a little thirsty, so I got water from the well and gave some to the plants. Then I went back out to the beach and I waited."

"Waited for who?"

"Just…people. My mother showed me that anyone could return from Instrumentality so long as they had the will to be an individual. So I sat there and waited for someone to show up. Anyone." He let out a sigh. "Every day for months, I went out to the beach and I waited. I tried keeping the house tidy, in case someone came back and needed shelter."

Silence.

"That's when the nightmares started. Of what would happen when people came back. How would they treat me when they returned? I dreamed about my friends from school. I dreamed about the other EVA pilots. Mostly I dreamed about Asuka. She was the worst one in the dreams, because I hurt her the most. I dreaded what she would do when she returned. I worried about that for months, I stopped going out to the beach, I just stayed in my room and lost track of the days." He gave a hopeful smile. "But then I thought, 'Better to see someone who hates me than be alone for much longer.' So I went back and waited."

"And then she showed up?"

He shook his head. "No. I kept waiting, but there was nothing. No Asuka, nobody. After a while… I started to lose my mind from the loneliness. I heard voices… whispers in the wind, telling me this was my punishment. That I deserved to be alone after everything I'd done." He shrugged. "It seems insane now, but… I was sort of okay with that. So I gave up. I figured it was time to move on. I found some old wood and I erected gravestones for everyone I knew. My friends, my family… everyone at NERV… even you, Ms. Ibuki." He paused for a moment. "And that was it. Until Asuka showed up one day."

"Happily ever after," Maya muttered sarcastically.

"I tried to kill her."

That got her attention again. "What?"

"I don't really know why. Maybe I thought she was a hallucination, that I'd finally lost it. But another part of me saw her and thought, 'This is her fault. I'm like this because of her.'" He unconsciously touched his cheek. "But then she reached out to me... she just caressed my cheek. She actually tried to reach out to me for the first time, after pushing me away for so long." He stared at his hands. "And that's when I realized it wasn't her fault. It was mine."

Maya shifted in her chair. "What the hell is all this for? Are you trying to make me feel sorry for you?"

Again, Shinji ignored her. "After Asuka came back, Misato followed. And then Ritsuko. It wasn't easy, at first, because Asuka didn't trust Misato, and then Misato didn't trust Ritsuko, and I kind of got caught in the middle of all that. But things got better after a little bit. We kind of settled into a routine. And there are problems, god I know there are problems, but… for a little while, I tricked myself into thinking I wouldn't have to face any consequences for…" He hesitated. "…for ending the world." He looked up. "Until you showed up yesterday."

There was a long silence.

And that was when it hit Maya. "You want me to kill you."

"No," he said quickly. "I went through too much to realize I want to live. Besides," he glanced at the door. "If I died, there are people here who would be really hurt. But still…

"…you think you deserve it."

He nodded. "That day at NERV… I was too miserable to do anything when the JSSDF attacked. All those people at NERV who were just doing their job, their blood is on my hands. Misato's blood is on my hands. Asuka's blood is on my hands." He paused for a moment. "Yours too, Ibuki."

Maya didn't disagree, and yet… "… but they're alive now."

"That doesn't change anything! At least Asuka tried to hold me accountable at first! Misato keeps babying me, telling me things weren't my fault, that I shouldn't feel responsible for everything that happened, as if that'd help! She can barely take care of herself, why is she acting like she has to coddle me all the time?! There's still the millions of people who just vanished, who had their lives ripped away because I let Third Impact happen, including you, Ibuki! I have to answer for that, don't I?!" He took a deep breath. "I mean, maybe you're my punishment, for everything I did."

"I'm…" She blinked. This wasn't how she had pictured this going. "I'm not—"

"I've spent months tricking myself into thinking I could be happy again," he continued. "But maybe that's impossible."

Maya said nothing in response. She couldn't say he was wrong, but she couldn't say he was right either.

Finally, Shinji stood up. Wordlessly, he walked behind Maya's chair and began undoing her ropes.

"What—what the hell are you doing?"

He didn't answer. After a moment the bindings fell to the floor, and Shinji stood before Maya.

"If this is the only thing that'll make things better," he said. "Then I won't stop you." He closed his eyes and prepared for the worst.

Maya stared up at him for a very long time.

Shinji kept his eyes closed, awaiting Maya's next move.

"You're a child."

He opened his eyes, surprised.

"That's all you are, isn't it?" Maya was looking away. "You're not a murderer. You don't even come close to one. You're just a scared little boy who didn't know better." She put both her hands to her face and leaned forward in her chair. "God… and I was going to—" She looked up. "Sit back down, Shinji, I'm not going to hurt you."

"You're…you're not?" he asked stupidly.

"No," she insisted. "Just…go back to your chair. I need to think."

After a moment, Shinji did as he was told.

"Goddammit," Maya muttered. She looked up. "Shinji, I'm gonna do you a favor. I'm not going to tell you everything's okay."

"Oh," was all he could come up with.

"But I'm also not going to tell you everything's your fault." She sighed. "It really was out of your control."

Shinji stared at her. "But… you said that didn't matter five minutes ago."

Maya snorted. "Five minutes ago I didn't realize who I was talking to. Call them back in."

"What?"

"Katsuragi and Ritsuko. Call them back in."

Shinji blinked.

Growing impatient, Maya turned to the door. "I'm ready to talk now!" she called out.

The door opened and Misato and Ritsuko walked in. "Well?" Ritsuko asked.

Maya took a deep breath. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"I'll… be your roommate," she said reluctantly. "And I promise not to hurt Shinji again."

Shinji kept staring at her, completely bewildered at how this conversation had gone.

"I'm glad to hear it," Ritsuko said with relief. "Well, if there are no more questions—"

"Actually, I have one," Misato interrupted. "Just out of curiosity… WHY IS SHE UNTIED?"

Shinji watched the discussion going on at the dinner table. From the couch, he could see Misato at the head of the table, laying out every single thing Maya could and could not do in the house. Maya simply nodded every once and a while, while Ritsuko sat next to her, occasionally reacting to some of Misato's more ridiculous requests but otherwise keeping silent.

"I can't believe that worked," Asuka remarked. She was busy watching the TV and mostly ignoring the discussion.

"What did?" Shinji asked.

"Just talking to her. It was a gamble, but I can't believe of all things just talking to you got her to agree."

Shinji shrugged. "I guess she saw how miserable I was and decided she didn't have it so bad." He laughed a bit at his own joke.

Asuka didn't laugh. She turned and stared at Shinji, seemingly puzzled. "What the hell did you say to her?"

Before Shinji could answer, they heard the sound of chairs moving and looked to see everyone was standing up.

"Roommates?" Maya asked, holding out her hand towards Misato.

Misato hesitated for a moment before taking it. "Roommates," she agreed.

And with that, they shook hands.

Misato remained where she stood, watching Maya and Ritsuko head up the stairs so they could get the sleeping situation sorted. Once they were gone, she let out a sigh before walking over to the couch. "I can't remember the last time I negotiated a roommate contract like that," she groaned.

"You did what you had to," Asuka said.

"Thanks, Asuka." She turned to Shinji. "Could we talk for a minute?"

"Sure." He turned off the television.

"Shinji, why did you untie her?"

Silence.

He really, really did not want to answer this question.

"It doesn't matter," he said finally.

"It doesn't matter? Shinji, you could have gotten hurt!"

"But I didn't." He shrugged. "So, I guess everything's fine."

Misato couldn't believe what she was hearing. "No, Shinji, everything's not fine! How could you have known she wouldn't try to hurt you the moment you let her go?"

He didn't want to have this conversation. "… well she didn't hurt me, so I don't see why you have to be so concerned!"

Misato didn't like where this was going. "Shinji, you knowingly put yourself at risk, that's not okay. Do you understand?"

Shinji muttered something under his breath.

"What was that?"

"I said I'm not a child!" Shinji said loudly. "Stop treating me like one!" He stood up and left the couch.

"Hey! Shinji, I'm not done talking with you!" Misato spoke up.

But Shinji ignored her as he made beeline for the stairs.

"SHINJI!"

His name came out of her mouth as a command, one delivered so strongly that out of sheer instinct Shinji froze in place.

"Turn around and face me this instant!"

Slowly but surely, he turned around as Misato approached him.

"Don't ever disobey me like that again," she said firmly.

Shinji felt a twinge of fury bubbling in his stomach. How dare she yell at him like this? It wasn't like she was actually his—

As he opened his mouth to say just what was on his mind, his eyes caught sight of Asuka in the background. She had a worried expression on her face, and he saw her mouth a single word. Don't.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Yes ma'am."

"Good." She reached out and gently put her hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry I raised my voice, but I need to be sure you understand."

"I do," he muttered.

"Okay." She gave him one last pat on the shoulder before heading up the stairs.

Shinji stood there, silently fuming. Was he not the one who solved this whole mess in the first place? Sure, it had been risky, but in the end he'd succeeded where Misato, Ritsuko, and Asuka had all failed. It wasn't fair.

"You were going to let Ibuki kill you."

He looked down in surprise. Asuka had followed him from the living room and was now staring up at him in disbelief.

"I told her she was entitled to her anger," he said. "And… she could do what she wanted to make her feel better."

"By killing you." Asuka stared hard at him.

Shinji looked at the floor. "I'm sick of people lying to me," he muttered. "That everything's okay, that none of it was my fault. I know what I did, and she knew what I deserved." He fumed. "But she took one look at me and all she saw was some little kid. Why does everyone in this house pretend that what happened wasn't my fault? Misato? Ritsuko? Even you, Asuka, why do you—"

"Shut up."

"—pretend…that…what?"

"Don't say another goddamn word. Or I'll slap you so hard it'll trigger a Fourth Impact."

He stared at her. Even sitting down, Asuka intimidated him.

"How I feel," she said quietly, barely holding in the rage she felt. "How I treat you, after everything you did to me—is none of your fucking business. I'll deal with that on my own terms, thank you." She gripped the wheels on her wheelchair and pushed herself over to her room.

Shinji watched her go. "Why did you let me sleep in your bed last night?" he asked.

Asuka stopped. She turned her head to face him.

"Don't ask questions you already know the answer to."

And she shut the door behind her.

Shinji remained where he stood, staring at the door.

He did know why. He knew why she did everything. Why she'd given him a blanket on the second night after she returned. Why she'd used every excuse in the book to sleep next to him that first week when Misato came back. Why she was putting all of this effort into getting close to him. Hell, he knew precisely what must have been going through her head when she woke up, saw him in bed with her, and requested five more minutes.

He wasn't stupid. He knew exactly what she wanted from him.

What he didn't, or rather couldn't, understand was why she would want any of that after everything he'd done to her.

You don't deserve to be happy.

He sat down at the table, and put his face in his hands.

You don't deserve her.

He failed to notice the door to Asuka's room open slightly, and a pair of cobalt blue eyes silently watching him.

"So this'll be your bed," Ritsuko said. "It's pretty spacious, and the mattress isn't too bad."

Maya looked around. "Where will you sleep?"

"Uh… futon probably. We've got some downstairs, I'll probably set it up later."

"Are you sure? I don't want to kick you out of your own bed."

"It's fine, Maya. I mean, you're probably not staying past March, might as well sleep comfortably til then."

Maya looked at the bed, then at Ritsuko. "What about you?"

"What do you mean?"

"How long are you going to be here for?"

Ritsuko thought about her answer. "As long as I'm needed," she said. "Until Asuka's legs heal or until we get an answer on that goddamn radio. Whichever comes first." She thought for another second. "Well, probably the former, really."

Maya chuckled slightly. "Yeah."

Ritsuko took a deep breath. "I'm glad you decided to stay."

"I didn't have much of a choice."

"I know, but… I'm glad you gave Shinji a chance. And…" Ritsuko looked away. "We should probably have a chat at some point. About… well, you know."

Maya sighed. "Yeah. Yeah, we should."

They were silent.

"I would keep an eye on him if I were you," Maya said suddenly.

Ritsuko looked at her, confused. "Why do you say that?"

"He's holding in a lot of pain."

"Oh, big whoop, it doesn't take a genius to see that."

"No, but I mean…" She paused. "…he's had a lot of time alone. He's had a chance for more self-reflection than anyone else here. Most of the things he thinks about himself came from his period of isolation."

"So?"

"Someone needs to tell him that he's wrong." She looked past Ritsuko. "Because if you don't, you'll be back where you started."

Ritsuko turned to see Misato standing in the doorway. Clearly she had heard everything.

"That's not as easy as you think," Misato replied.

"I didn't say anything about it being easy."