A/N Okay, I'm changing the description for this fic to 'unrelated one-shots and ficlets' – none of these stories are short enough to be drabbles! This one is for Irishbrneyes. Hope you enjoy :)

Educating River

"The girl doesn't know what she is doing. She knows how to be a weapon; she doesn't know how to be a girl. She needs your help. She… I don't want to look a fool."

River'd called herself "I", Jayne noted; a sure sign that she felt strongly about what she was saying.

They were docked on Sihnon, where Inara was visiting family. After Miranda, Serenity could now hazard the occasional Core planet visit, though they tended to keep a low profile whilst there, touching down in unpopulated areas and using the Mule to get in and out of town.

Since she had ceased to be a Companion and taken up with Serenity full-time, Inara's family were rather less pleased to see her, but they still accepted her visits, and whilst home, Inara took the opportunity to catch up with old family friends.

Which is what had set the fox among the hens.

Following supper with one such family, Inara had returned to Serenity and announced she'd arranged for River to go to dinner with the youngest son. Simon had protested, been worn down, then insisted on meeting with the family first – until Kaylee and Zoë intervened, pointing out he was incapable of seeing straight when it came to River, and therefore incapable of giving a fair assessment of the boy in question. In the end, Simon had agreed to allow Zoë and Mal to vet the boy in his place – inwardly calculating that Mal was almost as protective of River as he was, and there were few things in the 'verse more perceptive or more scary than Zoë.

They had returned and okayed the engagement (after Zoë leant her full weight on Mal's foot), and within a few minutes of the announcement, River had gone looking for her favourite mercenary.

She found him in his bunk, polishing his grenades.

"I don't know gǒu shǐ 'bout bein' a girl nor about dates. You need to talk to 'Nara or Kaylee." Jayne gave her a dismissive look. Which River blithely ignored, as always.

She shook her head slightly, looking a little mischievous. "They cannot help with this."

Jayne was instantly suspicious. "Why not?"

"Because Kaylee would not want to, and Inara is no longer a Companion to be purchased for such things," River replied matter-of-factly.

Jayne stopped polishing as her words sunk in. "Wait? Wha'...? What are you sayin', Moonbrain?"

"She is saying that she is going to dinner tonight, with a boy, and doesn't know what to do. She is saying she has never kissed someone. She is saying she wants Jayne to teach her how to kiss."

The sound that emerged from Jayne came perilously close to a squeak: "Are you crazy, Crazy?! I can't do that!"

"Why not?"

"Crazy," Jayne paused, relieved to hear this time his voice had come out at a manlier register, "you know I don't kiss girls on the mouth. Ask someone else."

"There is no one else – everyone else's mouths are ineligible or full."

Jayne shook his head. "You know what your brother would do to me if he knew I'd kissed yer? Or Mal? Or Zoë– wǒ de mā! You wanna see me spaced?"

River shook her head in return. "Of course not. But Jayne is the only one who can help. She promises to keep it a secret."

"Uh-uh. Nope. Hell, no," Jayne enunciated.

"Please, Jayne. Please?" River's eyes were huge in her pretty doll face.

Gorramit, there oughta be some kinda law 'gainst females havin' eyes that big'n deep. Of course, Jayne couldn't recollect any other ladies of his acquaintance having quite the same effect when they looked at him. But then, every other female he knew was either woman or girl; innocent or not. River was some strange hybrid of them all, which left him not quite knowing how to deal with her… or think of her.

River wasn't exactly a child no more. She was comin' up nineteen, and he'd met some eighteen-year-olds over the years who were old as sin. But they were generally Rim boys or girls, hardened by their circumstances. River was… different.

Helpless as a lamb and a savage ass-kicking killer. Zhen de shi tian cai and as canny as kitten. And then there was the small matter of the life debt he owed her. Jayne wasn't one for rememberin' his debts too well, but that one was hard to deny. He'd've been long-digested Reaver meat, if it weren't for her. Hard to say no, under those circumstances.

"Alrigh', River-girl," he surrendered.

The radiant look of joy on her face almost overcame his misgivings. After a few seconds, however, she glanced round the room looking uncertain. "Should she... should sit?" She gestured towards the bed.

"No!" Jayne almost yelped. "Er, no. Best we stay standin'." He wasn't sure if he could cope with havin' River on his actual bed. Just the thought of it did strange things to his brain. 'Sides, if anyone came in there was a slim chance he'd be allowed to live if they were still standin'. Any whiff of beds and he'd be choking on space air. Or lack of.

River obediently remained standing and looked at him, head cocked.

"Okay," Jayne said, mostly to himself. Wiping suddenly moist hands on his pants, he stepped forward until they were toe to toe. River gazed trustfully at him. "First thing you gotta know about kissin' is that it's a dance."

"A dance?" River smiled. "The girl is good at dancing."

"Not that kinda dance, River. But it is about matching your partner. Takin' turns pressing forward and pushing back. But we'll get to that."

Jayne wasn't really used to being the person someone looked to for advice – he was just the muscle, called upon when needed. He decided he rather liked bein' the expert, 'specially with a gorram genius like River. There were few things in the 'verse he was better at than her. But this was one of 'em.

"Okay. I think it's best if we just get you used to havin' someone that close before we start touchin' mouths." He leant towards her, bringing his face within inches of hers, until he felt her warm breath huffing against his lips. Jayne found himself swallowing. "How's that?" he asked.

River nodded. "The girl is fine." She breathed in. "The boy smells nice."

Jayne realised he was blushin' like a gorram girl. "Er, thanks. I just had a shower."

River's lips quirked in a smile. "He should do that more often."

Brat was teasin' him! Enough was enough – time to take control. Leaning in, he touched his lips to her and allowed one, two, three seconds to pass before pulling back.

River's eyelids were fluttering. "How was that, Moonling?"

"Strange…" she replied, in a dreamy tone. "But nice."

Jayne felt ridiculously pleased. "Alrigh'. We'll try again. I'm gonna do it a little longer now, okay?" She nodded her understanding. Jayne moved in again, and this time brushed his lips back and forth over hers. River sighed into his mouth, hands coming to rest on his shoulders, as Jayne felt a current of electricity run down his spine. "Good." He cleared his throat. "That's good."

"Again," River said, leaning into him. Jayne was happy to oblige. This time he gently cupped her face, marvelling at the softness of her skin. River made an unconscious humming noise as he did so, leaning into his hands as he kissed her. A slow burn of heat started building in his stomach.

The third time they kissed, River kissed him back. Slowly and uncertainly, but her lips moved against his. Jayne's pulse kicked up several notches. River was pushing back against him now, arms curling round his neck, pressing her body into his. Without thinking, his hands shifted to her waist, pulling her sharply against him.

All of a sudden, River bit down on his lower lip and tugged in a move Jayne felt down to his toes. He jerked his head back.

"Gorramit, girl! Where'd you learn to do that?!"

River looked shamefaced. "I'm sorry – it felt natural. Was the girl wrong to do so?"

"No – no." Jayne tried to calm his racing heart. "No, that's… good. I just weren't expectin' you to pick things up so quick." River was still looking worried, so he reassured her. "It's fine, River. It felt… good. I was just surprised."

She tentatively smiled. "Does Jayne want to do it to her?" she asked, hopefully.

Yes, Jayne ruttin' did.

After several more minutes of kissing, Jayne decided River was ready to try tongues. In fact, he suspected if he didn't bring them in, she would. (Gorram genius girl was apparently a natural at everythin'.) Besides, if he were honest, he wanted to see what she tasted like (was desperate to see).

He ran his tongue along her full lower lip, feeling a smug triumph when she gasped reflexively, opening her mouth. He deepened the kiss, almost sighing with delight.

She tasted fresh and sweet, like cool water after a long ride. River made a tiny involuntary noise and swayed further into him. Her hands started roving his body, running down his chest and caressing his stomach, making the muscles there contract. Jayne sucked in air and lifted her up to her toes, kisses becoming increasingly urgent.

He found himself eyeing the bed over her shoulder, seriously contemplating nudging her backwards till they were both lying down.

At that point, he realised he was out of control. He broke the kiss, holding River back from him by her shoulders.

It took a few seconds for her liquid eyes to come back into focus; she was flushed, her breathing shallow and her lips distractingly swollen. When she refocused, she broke into a smile.

"You are so good at it!" She grinned. "Why do you not kiss on the mouth more? It seems a shame for Jayne not to do something he is so good at!"

On this occasion, Jayne was inclined to agree; in fact, he was hard pushed to remember why he didn't kiss the whole day long. His gaze travelled towards the bed again… No! Getta grip!

River was still talking. "Thank you, Jayne. The girl feels much better now; she is looking forward to her date!"

Jayne's stomach muscles suddenly clenched again. "Sure… yeah. The date. Have… have fun."

She grinned again. "She will!" She scampered up the ladder and out of sight, leaving Jayne to slowly slump on his bed, wondering why his stomach felt so hollow.

"All I'm sayin' is, you shouldn't let her go! Anythin' could happen to her!" Jayne was growing angry.

"Jayne!" Kaylee hissed at him. "What the heck are you doin'? I finally got Simon all convinced s'okay for him to let River go, and here you go gettin' him all fired up again! Quit it! What's gotten into you?"

"River's too innocent to be goin' on dates! What if this hún dàn takes advantage of her? Zoë, Mal – you've met him. Back me up here!"

Zoë was deadpan. "He's right, sir. The hún dàn called me ma'am and held the door open, and he's at least 150 pounds – anything could happen."

"See?" Jayne said forcefully… then scowled at Zoë.

"Jayne, it ain't my business what River does, and it sure as hell ain't yours," Mal said, with a blithe disregard for the past two years. "If anyone has a right to speak against it, it's her kin, and he said yes."

Simon looked as though he was beginning to regret this decision, but Kaylee smiled brilliantly at the Captain in gratitude and swept Simon away. She had already revealed that they were going out for the evening (the other side of town from where River would be, she'd added in an undertone to Zoë), saying he'd wear a hole in the deck from constant pacin', if she didn't.

With the departure of River's brother, Jayne was left without any allies. He cast around in his mind for any other reasons why River shouldn't go, but was interrupted by someone clearing their throat.

The remaining crew of Serenity looked up to see River entering the dining room; Inara was hovering behind with a proud smile on her face.

The crew were speechless. Inara had loaned River a long sleeveless gown in deep bronze with an amber sash; she had curled River's hair and piled it high on her head and made up her face exquisitely.

River was beyond beautiful.

Without another word, Jayne stomped out the room, heading for his bunk.

Jayne was twitchy all evening. He couldn't settle.

He tried lifting weights and nearly crushed himself when he overloaded the chest press in his distraction. He tried cleaning his guns – something which never failed to soothe him – and tipped oil all over his sheets. He found himself in the kitchen eating protein straight from the can. (Which earned him some funny looks from Zoë.)

Over and over again, his thoughts whirled: 'Nara had no call dressin' her up that way. It made her look older, more experienced than she actually was. What if the hún dàn took advantage? Besides, he rather liked the way her hair fell when it was loose, like a dark waterfall… Like a river! See? That meant that was how she was s'posed to wear it! Meddlin' meh liǎn duh jyah ji. And her great big eyes didn't need any of that black gǒu shǐ round 'em to make 'em stand out – they did that all on their own. And those full soft lips didn't need any gorram paint on 'em neither. River was fine as she was. More than fine.

In the end, he made his way to the cargo bay and sat down on the steps with Vera, assembling and reassembling her over and over.

Finally, at nine o'clock, the doors to the cargo bay opened and River came in, humming softly to herself.

"Where've you been?" Jayne barked.

River paused, looking confused. "With the Core boy – Jayne knows this."

"Jayne didn't know you was gonna come back so gorram late!"

"The agreed time with the Captain was ten o'clock – the girl is early, not late."

"Oh." Jayne tried to calm himself down. "So… how was it?"

He couldn't read River's expression to his deep frustration. "It was nice."

"And?" He barely stopped short from a demand.

"And… what?"

"Did he kiss you?"

"Yes."

Gorramit!

Jayne found himself turning back to his gun, fingers working quickly to disassemble it again; hands needing something to do. It was either that or huntin' that ruttin' boy down and puttin' them round his scrawny neck!

"Jayne," River's hand was soft on his shoulder, her tone even softer.

"What?" he said out the corner of his mouth, refusing to look up.

"She will not see the boy again."

Jayne's heart started pounding with sudden hope. "She won't?"

"No."

"Why not?" He kept his eyes on what his hands were doing, determinedly not meeting her gaze.

Next thing he knew, River was tilting his face up and those soft rose lips were exactly where he wanted them to be. A few glorious minutes later, she released him.

"When he kissed her she realised she doesn't want the boy; she wants the man. I want you, Jayne." Her expression turned fierce. "Dǒng le ma?"

"Dǒng ma," he beamed. And pulled her into his arms.

fin

Glossary:

Dǒng le ma? – are we clear?

Dǒng ma – we're clear

Gǒu shǐ – s**t

Hún dàn – bastard

Meh liǎn duh jyah ji – shameless hussy

Wǒ de mā – mother of God

Zhen de shi tian cai – an absolute genius