Arc 2 Chapter 3: I Cried, Cried My Lungs Out, and Stopped Crying (Reprise)

By: ViolentBlue

Natsuki Subaru was beginning to stir.

"Subaru…"

Natsuki Subaru could faintly hear someone calling out to him, even in the darkness he was shadowed in. Somehow, whoever was speaking had gotten through to him.

"Subaru...wake up…"

He didn't want to wake up. He had undergone so much pain, suffering, and death to get to this point. If he went back out there into the world, he would surely die. And not a physical death, like the hundreds of times he had endured already. But an emotional death. A mental death. A spiritual death. The kind that no RBD could fix, that would leave him twisted and broken, more a machine than a man, just barely able to keep himself alive long enough to get reset again.

"..."

The voice had stopped speaking. They must have given up on him.

-No. They clearly hadn't given up, something was gripping his hand. Even through the coldness of the mental Oblivion, his own self-made trap, he felt it. Subaru wanted to say that he knew what it was, but he couldn't say. A warm feeling fluttered through him, and while he couldn't place why it had happened, Subaru felt a growing awareness slowly creeping up on him while the warm feeling persisted, touching all of him as it went.

It was forcing him to come back, dragging him back into reality, one slow step at a time.

Didn't they understand he wanted to be alone? To stay here, isolated from the world? It was the safest thing, all Subaru ever did was cause problems for others. All he ever did was make the people in his life more miserable. For he wasn't the only one who received pain and suffering and death. They too had all received it, and multiples times over he had watched them die, the life leeched from their bones.

And they died over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and overandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandover-

"Subaru, we need you." The voice was back.

"They do, you know."

The thought coursed through his mind in an instant, and while Subaru tried to deny it, he knew it was true.

The awareness was spreading now, and it awakened a memory of long ago in his childhood, when at the age of 10 Subaru had gone to a friend's birthday party and had gone to swim with the other kids in their pool. Back then he had more interaction with the world, more friends, more life. During that day, at the end of the party he had jumped into the deep end, sinking all the way to the bottom. It felt incredibly peaceful and calm as he held his breath underwater, looking up at the distorted surface above. Eventually however, he had to go up eventually, rising through the water to reach above it and once more come back to the world.

It was a similar feeling he was going through now.

Subaru did his best to stuff it back down, to try to remain where he was. To go back into the world and endure more of the terrible hardships that he had been saddled was unthinkable. Hadn't he been punished enough?

"Subaru...I need you."

Wait. He knew that voice, and recognized it well. And Subaru knew there were only two options for who it could be. The voice sounded sorrowful, pleading; but at the same time it was full of unending hope, warmth, life.

It wasn't the voice of Satella, who despite having a similar tone was not tinged with the same colors. Her voice like the rest of her was cloaked in shadows and mist; and had an ethereal tone. When she spoke, her speech was comforting, but also simultaneously unsettling. It resided in the uncanny valley, where there is nothing that is obviously wrong, but something just not quite right. But this voice was not Satella's. That only left one other voice.

Emilia's.

Emilia. Memories flashed through Subaru's mind. Of the very first loop where he first laid eyes on her. Of the few dates they went on during their time together. Of Emilia offering her lap for him to rest on when stress made him crack. And of his own last loop before he reset to Zero. The memory of it, or at least it's fragments entered his mind.

"Don't you think the day is wonderful, Subaru?" Emilia asked him.

"Yes, but not as amazing as you, Emilia-tan!" Subaru replied back, with a grin on his face.

Emilia giggled, blushing slightly. "You're too kind, Subaru!" She paused, before continuing, "I- I was wondering, you always are the one who asks me to go to all these lovely places, and I have never done the same. So~ would- would you like to go on a date with me?"

The memory faded abruptly, leaving him back in the darkness.

I want to remember more.

"You won't remember anymore if you remain here." He pondered the thought, before realizing it was indeed correct. A great part of him wanted to stay down, to mentally isolate himself from everyone. But that wasn't feasible anymore, the outside world was calling to him and dragging him back to it. And Subaru knew deep down that he needed to.

He thought back to his first successful run of the loot house, where he had stood and fought Elsa at Emilia's side and of the declaration he had made during the battle.

"I'll blow you away and get- a happy ending."

A happy ending. That was the promise he made there in the loot house, and while it was old and forgotten adrift the span of loops he had created, and while no one else remembered that promise...Subaru did.

And this time, he would keep it.

The awareness was spreading even faster now, and he could feel himself moving upward towards consciousness. There was nothing left for him here. Subaru knew he had to open himself up again, even if he died over and over like he feared to. Even if his suffering and pain never ended. Even if everything turned against him. Even if he spent every day of his life crying himself to sleep. Even if his memories were disorganized like the Forbidden Library had burned and collapsed.

Because there were relationships he formed, people he counted on. And even though none of them remembered Subaru…

Subaru remembered them.

And that was worth enough for him to try once more; no matter what he would go through next.

…

He headed for the surface.

Subaru's eyes shot open, looking at the ceiling. He immediately attempted to sit up, trying to set his vision straight. However, something was keeping him back down.

"Subaru…" He looked to his left, seeing a certain half-elf with her eyes open wide, and what looked to be an expression that was mixed with shock and happiness. One of her hands was holding his, the other on his chest; which was keeping him down from moving too much. "You- don't sit up, alright?! You haven't been up in two days, and I don't want you to get-"

"Emilia…" He looked up at her, he smiled slightly, and then promptly blushed at noticing her hands were on him.

Emilia blushed as well, and took her hands off Subaru's chest and hand. "Oh, sorry…just didn't want you to strain yourself. I was very worried…"

"No, no it's fine, totally fine!" Subaru laughed a bit in the moment. Everything still hadn't caught up with him, and for now he was just grateful to be alive and awake.

"That's good, I'm so~ very happy to see you are awake…" Emilia paused, putting her hands together. Subaru noticed this, it looked like she was trying to explain something difficult. "I-I don't really know how to put this into words properly. I'm quite overwhelmed and flustered myself. But- Subaru...I- the Witch spoke to me."

What? His mouth opened and his eyes widened. Subaru wanted to say something but found that speech failed him.

"She- appeared while you were unconscious. And told me about what happened to you. I-I know about Return by Death." Her facial expression, while comforting, did seem to become more melancholic at the mention of his ability.

Subaru reflexively gripped his chest, but there was no hand of the Witch of Envy reaching out to touch his heart. Satella didn't have to say anything. Just from that alone, Subaru knew that what Emilia said was true. Still, he could hardly believe it.

"Subaru?! Are-are you alright?" Emilia seeing this immediately began to panic, but he waved her off.

"Sorry...just…" He trailed off, unable to really speak as the full impact of Emilia's words hit him.

Emilia knows about Return by Death.

If she is able to speak freely with him about it, it means that no longer would he have to hide away the things that had happened to him. No longer would speaking to her about it result in his or her own death. And no longer would Subaru be alone in bearing such a burden.

The very thought of it sent a shock through his system, and tears began to form at the corner of his eyes. He could tell her about it now, and words s

"Emilia...I can- I can Return by Death." No hand gripped his heart. Emilia stood alive and well, looking at him. He blinked twice, and began to cry.

The next moments passed by in a whirlwind, as Subaru was overcome with long dormant emotion that he had piled up for what had been years in his own time. Tears leaked out of his eyes as he sat up, hunching his knees to his chest. He didn't move or protest when Emilia wrapped her arms around him, gently pressing him to lay back down to relax. He found himself laying across the bed, Emilia sitting with her head in his lap. Almost immediately the torrent of emotion began to subside.

"I'm...I'm so weak…so pathetic." He said quietly, in between sobs. "C-crying like this…"

"No." Her voice was kind but firm, as she gently ran a hand through his black hair. "The reason you are crying, Subaru, is because you've been so strong."

"You...you really think that?" He looked up briefly at her in astonishment, and then turned to the side almost immediately after. It occurred to him that in the past she was uncomfortable with such things, and Subaru did not wish to make her feel awkward nor ruin the moment.

"Mhm." She smiled slightly, before continuing. "I...am going to confess, I don't quite know entirely what's been going on. I don't know why the Witch gave you this- this curse and I barely understand what it does. I don't know why she chose me of all people to allow to talk to you about it. I don't know what your connection is to her or to the Witch Cult. And...I really~ don't know what I'm going to tell Puck."

Her voice quieted as she looked over him. "But what I do know is that you've been through so much. That Subaru, you have sacrificed everything for me and for others. You have been forced to take on a burden that while I'm sure gives you a powerful ability, it is also an immense burden, right?"

"Y-yeah, it is." Subaru felt himself relaxing now. Not a relaxation into the darkness of unconsciousness, of sinking back into himself, but of feeling the burden he had taken coming loose.

"Then I'll help you carry it. I told you while we walked through Lugunica that if you helped me I'd do everything in my power to assist you here after all." She smiled a bit, and Subaru tilted his head to see it.

He could only grin back despite the tears. "You did say that...my Emilia-tan is as generous as ever."

Emilia raised a bit of an eyebrow at the "-tan" but clearly decided not to pursue asking about it. Subaru made a mental note to explain it to her, again. Still, she nodded in acknowledgement. "Speaking of me- I'm sure you've met me before many times. And I don't quite know what my past self was to you and what you were to me back then. How close we were, I mean. And...listen...I can't be her. We've only known each other a short while, and while I do feel a- bond between us, it's still- unfamiliar to me."

"I- I know...I was expecting that." Subaru knew he sounded somewhat disappointed at her reminding him of the fact, but he did his best to hide it.

"So~ while I can't be that past Emilia, I can still be the present Emilia before you. Would you like that?" She said the two sentences softly, looking down at him with what to Subaru was the eyes of an angel.

You always will be my E.M.T. Thought Subaru, as the tears finally ceased flowing. The whirlwind of emotions and pent-up feelings had dispersed. For the first in a very long time, Subaru felt free.

He smiled at her, "That's all I need, Emilia."

That's all I ever needed, as well.

"I'm really~ glad to hear that, Subaru." Emilia's own small smile grew wider. "Do you feel better?"

"Yeah...I definitely am." He sat up from the lap pillow, looking significantly better. "How- how was your encounter with Satella?"

"The Witch? Oh, well I can't deny that it was certainly scary...but I didn't let it faze me. I thought she was the reason behind you having fallen asleep, and I wasn't about to let her take away my rescuer." She crossed her arms, putting on a firm expression. It was clear that while she was thankful for the knowledge, she had a strong aversion to Satella.

Even when faced with the Witch of Envy and when we've only just met, she still is determined enough to confront her. Emilia-tan never ceases to amaze me… Subaru shook his head slightly. He still couldn't believe it. He could now talk to someone about Return by Death, and it was Emilia of all people. The only other person had been the Witch of Greed, Echidna, along with the other Witches. And Subaru simply didn't trust them with his experiences. Their faces flashed faintly inside his mind, although he couldn't exactly recall the place in which they met.

Despite the momentous occasion, the memory loss still greatly disturbed Subaru. It was an incredibly serious and traumatic issue for him; and he would have to bring this up with Emilia. She deserved to know. But first, he needed to eat and reorient himself. The recent experience of discovering Emilia knew about Return by Death along with the subsequent emotional release had tired him out already, and Subaru had just woken up.

"I...know you have a lot of questions, Emilia-tan. And you deserve answers from me. It's only right, after all. But, could you hold onto them until I can eat something first? It's- it's been a lot for me."

"Oh, of course! I'm sure everything has been really~ hard for you lately and- oh." Emilia threw her hands up in a defensive position, a pang of guilt coming across her face. "I realize- I should of asked first before having you rest in my lap. I mean- I felt that it would help you and it looks like it did- but I really~ should of asked you for permission before-"

"Don't worry, Emilia! I really enjoyed it, and was utterly honored to be graced with such a divine pillow! Besides...you would do the same thing when I was upset or after I was injured…" Subaru rubbed the back of his neck as he trailed off. He did really enjoy being able to rest his head in her lap. He just wished it didn't always happen after a traumatic incident.

"Oh- that's good then!" She blushed slightly as he mentioned her doing the same thing in the past. "Well, while I won't be able to do such a thing all the time...if you do ever really~ need it, I'll be there." She put her hands together, smiling at him.

And...I think I've fallen in love with her all over again. Subaru decided, as he got up from his bed, stretching to relieve the tightness in his limbs.

"So~ I do have studies to attend to, and I guess we can't talk about this in front of Puck…" She sounded particularly distraught about the mention of the latter.

While Subaru's own opinion of Puck had changed somewhat after seeing him leave Emilia, he knew that the small spirit was the closest thing Emilia had to a father. Puck meant an immense amount to her, and keeping such a thing from him was not something Subaru wanted to have Emilia to do. It would be difficult for her, but Subaru knew the consequences of talking to someone who wasn't authorized to learn about Return by Death; and he certainly did not want to test them today.

"Yeah...as you are the only person who is allowed to know about this, it would be best not to tell him." Subaru said, trying to show sympathy in his expression for her. "Anyway- maybe in the evening then? When you go talk to the spirits, I'll join you and answer any question you have, Emilia-tan."

"That sounds perfect, Subaru. How about I accompany you first though to get lunch. I'm sure we can ask Ram and Rem to prepare something. They're the- oh wait, you do already know who they are, don't you."

Subaru nodded, the memory of the two maids at Roswaal's mansion was unmistakable in his mind. He luckily had once again remembered their likenesses, as well as the others within the mansion. "My- memory's a bit of a tricky subject; but yes I do know them, as well as everyone in here. I'd be thrilled to get lunch with you, Emilia-tan, just let me get ready and we can be on our way!"

"I'll be outside in my room then. Come get me when you are, Subaru." Emilia smiled and turned to leave, reaching the door before saying one last thing. "And- if it brings up any bad memories or it's too hard for you to continue, don't worry about telling me for now. While my mind is running with questions and I don't really~ understand your connection to Satella, your health and safety are much more important to me than that."

"Thank you, Emilia...that means a lot." He gave her a thumbs up. "But I assure you...I- Natsuki Subaru will be able to explain everything."

Emilia giggled a bit. "I'm sure, Subaru. Anyway, I'll let you get dressed and everything. See you soon!"

She shut the door behind her, as Subaru looked up, placing his hand on his chest.

While sometimes I don't know what to think of you, Satella...thank you for giving me this. I- I needed it more than anything. And I will keep my promise to save you.

For now, Natsuki Subaru went to quickly get dressed. He had quite a day ahead.

A/N: Hey everybody, sorry the chapter was a bit delayed. Was quite busy this week, and I won't lie that it was somewhat difficult to write. Hope I did a good job though, and look forward to your feedback. I'll be answering questions in the A/N at the end of next chapter (as you guys told me to put it at the end), so if you have any questions for me type them in the reviews; and I will answer them along with the others in about a week, give or take a few days.

Also, I decided to drop "The Last Loops" portion of this fic's title and change it to just "Re:Make", as I discovered there was already a fic by the name of The Last Loop by Strandenstein. I didn't wish to confuse anyone with the titles, so I decided to shorten my own since Strandenstein got it first. Besides, Re:Make is a bit easier to say and type, so I figure it's no loss.

Until then, cheers!

ViolentBlue