As I'm writing this, earlier today I finished "The search for a family". That was the first one I finished of the ones I mentioned last time.

This one should be finished soon too.

This chapter is moving in and out of flashbacks. Going home from the funeral and the dumping ground is what's happening "now".

When I returned to the dumping ground after burying my nan memories were spinning in my mind I wasn't so sure if I'd fain or throw up.

"There is something called a Pauper's funeral. It's when there's no relative that want to, or can pay for it. It would be made very small and simple…"

"I'm not paying a penny for it."

"A Pauper's funeral is…" The woman from a funeral home started explaining to me. "…for these kind of reasons."

"I don't care. I'm not paying for the funeral. I don't want to go to one at all."

The house seemed so unusually quiet when I returned to the dumping ground after Nan's funeral and I couldn't bother to go and talk to someone. When I showered I usually kept music on, on my phone and through the speakers. But this time, just like the other times during the last few days I didn't feel like it.

By now my eyes were dry and my cheeks red and swollen. When I left the bathroom I hid it by looking down until I had reached my room and could close the door behind me.

"I don't care." I kept muttering under my breath just like I had for what felt like years now. "I don't care about nan or whatever happens to her.

…" Our Father in heaven, we thank you that, through Jesus Christ, you have given us the gift of eternal life. Keep us firm in the faith, that nothing can separate us from your love…."

The funeral was held in a small chapel by the graveyard. I and May- Li and the pastor were the only ones there. Except for my nan in the coffin in the middle of the room.

I'd barely said anything in between when she died and now. What was there to say? What was there to even think?

Maybe now it was almost over people would stop acting so strangely and walk around me on egg shells.

…"When we loose someone who is dear to us, help us to receive your comfort and to share it with one another."

Couldn't I have just written something myself for it? If I would it would have to be how nan was anything but dear to me or to anyone else.

Instead I was standing here and pretending to feel something I didn't…

But I didn't even know why, I hated my nan just as much as ever. But suddenly the tears came streaming down my cheeks and I had to press my jaws hard together, forcing sobs down my throat.

"Oh, Bec."

When I heard May- Li's voice next to me and felt her putting her arm around my shoulders I just couldn't help it. Sobs were wrenching my whole body and there just wasn't a chance for me to stop or hide them.

It couldn't be soon enough that I finally could force the rest of the sobs down my throat again. I wiped the tears from my cheeks but it was very much too late and anyone not blind could see that I'd been crying.

I had been back at the fish store and my old flat a few days ago and gathered what I wanted from there. Most of it was my mum's old things. It was now gathered in a few, big cartons that I needed to go through and sort out.

Before anything else when I would just hope no one would come into my room and find me I lifted the lid of one box, moved some of my mum's old dresses and found the old teddy bear mum had bought for me when she was pregnant.

"Barley."

I did it almost not thinking about it, whispered its name under my breath, back at the flat I'd only thrown it into a box making sure no one would find it.

Now, barely even thinking about it I hugged him and held him tight.

"Are you sure you don't want to go back to your old home?" May- Li asked while we were on our way home from the funeral. "And make sure there's nothing else you need to get."

I closed my eyes as we came closer to the place that didn't have any happy memories after my mum had been there with me. I didn't even want to see it from the outside.

"I've got it all." I said, if there was a way for me to show everyone how much I meant it I would have. "As

"You can burn the place down for all I care."

I sat down on my bed still holding Barley to my chest and tried to imagine all the times I had held onto him ever since I had gotten him as a newborn.

Some time when I was little I had put him away in the furthest back of my warderobe. It was like I knew I'd still want him by the time my mum died.

I was far away in my own throughts. And that was why I didn't have time to put him away when someone knocked on the door and Scott opened. He didn't say anything at first but I did see he noticed the teddy bear.

"It's okay. Your secret's safe with me… Now, do you want to come? You're not supposed to eat in your rooms but we could make an exeption today if you need it."

"I'm fine."

I could just as well lie now even though it was no way of doing it earlier.

Scott left, I hid my old teddy bear back in the carton before I put the lid on and then went downstairs and into the kitchen. The whole room went all quiet when I came in. I tried to gnore it when everyone turned to stare to look at me but I could feel their visions still following my every move.

I didn't exactly feel like eating….

Or not eating chicken at least…

"Can we have fish for dinner tomorrow?"

Just as I heard myself ask half of me still knew that ever since I'd lied about nan putting me in care I couldn't stand even the thought of eating fish made me want to get sick.

When I ended up here in the dumping ground I really hadn't thought I would ever want to eat fishs again.

Still, today had been a strange day. And I knew I had pretty much eaten nothing but fish ever since I was little.

Maybe something in me now wanted to get back to eating like I had grown up with, with the piece of what had pressured and forced me into eating it was gone.

Random fact

I was planning to make this chapter the last one. Then I changed some plans and figured there is still one chapter left. That one should bbe up very soon.