When I wake up the next morning I see that the rain has finally stopped. Remaining droplets still drip from the trees, but nothing more has fallen from the sky. It takes me a second to place myself in the daze of morning, but then I figure it out.
I'm lying on my couch, nestled on my side between Peeta and the cushions. My head rests on his chest, and his arm is draped over me. He's still asleep, and I can hear the slow, steady beat of his heart against my ear. It's so soothing to hear his heart, I don't know why. Just the stability, the regularity, the knowledge that he is alive and here with me. It brings me a sense of peace I have been missing in every other aspect of my life. I feel Peeta stretch beneath me, and watch his blonde eyelashes moving as his eyes flutter open.
"Hi," he says, his voice still groggy with sleep. I smile slightly.
"Hi," I say back. We don't do much for a few minutes. He just wraps his arms tighter around me and we rest together. He looks at me for a while and tucks a piece of hair behind my ear before he finally speaks again.
"Did you sleep ok? No more nightmares?"
"No more nightmares," I confirm. "You?"
"None," he says with a smile. "How are you feeling?"
"Better than I have in a long time," I admit. "I don't think I've gotten that many hours of uninterrupted sleep in weeks." He grins again. I sit up slightly and stretch out my arms. He sits up too and I move to rest my head on his shoulder. I'm still sleepy, but in a nicer way than usual. Most days, when I wake up I'm exhausted, but it's because I've been tossing, turning, and screaming through the night. Today, it's just the last dregs of a pleasant rest that are still with me.
The door opens and Haymitch walks in. I didn't realize how late it was. I remove my head quickly from Peeta's shoulder.
"Hi," Haymitch says, eyeing us carefully. I can tell there are a million thoughts behind his glance, but he says nothing more.
"I'll make some pancakes," Peeta says, getting up and moving to the stove as if nothing had happened at all. Haymitch takes a seat at the table, and I take my time pouring myself a glass of water before I go join him. When I sit down, he still says nothing, but he's looking at me with a strange expression that contains both unanswered questions and a sense of knowing smugness.
"Shut it," I say with a scowl. "Nothing happened." He raises his hands as if to plead innocence.
"I didn't say anything," he says, and I roll my eyes. Peeta joins us soon with a heaping platter of pancakes, and we all set about eating. I hear the two men making conversation, but don't contribute much. I'm not sure why, but I'm annoyed by Haymitch this morning. I'm not even sure what my grievance with him is, but it probably isn't fair.
"You're looking particularly sunny today, sweetheart," he comments sarcastically, picking up on the scowl that has been plastered on my face every time I've looked at him.
"It's nothing," I say, turning my gaze to Peeta, who looks confused. I realize that he might be thinking my bad mood has something to do with him spending the night, which could not be further from true. If anything, it's because Haymitch interrupted it.
"It's nothing," I repeat, more gently this time. "I'm fine. Just a little out of it." The men seem satisfied enough with that. Peeta cleans up the kitchen so quickly that Haymitch and I couldn't contribute even if we wanted to. Peeta then turns around to the two of us.
"I'm gonna head out, if that's ok," he says, looking at me more than Haymitch. "Delly had asked me if I could paint a picture of her family, and I told her I would. She's coming over in a little bit to watch the process, and I want to get my supplies set up." I nod, and he gives me a brief smile before heading out the door. There's a slight twinge of something strange in my chest as he leaves. I'm not sure what it is, I genuinely can't place the emotion. I furrow my brow a bit, trying to sort it out. As the door shuts, Haymitch turns to me and raises his eyebrow.
"What?!" I snap, my foul mood returned now that Peeta is gone. He just shakes his head and chuckles.
"I just like how subtle you think you are, sweetheart. You fail miserably, but you think you're good at it."
"What the hell do you mean by that?" I ask, more angry than I ought to be.
"It's nothing," he says, mocking my words from earlier.
"Get out," I say. The tone in my voice isn't angry, but exasperated. He complies, still chuckling as he leaves. I don't know what on earth to make of Haymitch right now. I can't deal with it. I feel a sense of uselessness, with Peeta off helping someone heal and Haymitch holding some sort of superiority over me today.
I decide to go into town.
This day will not be fun, it will be incredibly painful, but I need to do something to help the people of 12 heal. I don't have the physical or mental strength to be a big part of the rebuilding process, but maybe I can get a sense of what sorts of supplies the crews need and place an order from the Capitol. I still have more money than I know what to do with from the Victors earnings. I head upstairs to shower for the first time since Peeta flashed almost a week ago now. I was losing myself, all those days I didn't see him, and when I get lost like that I stop caring about any of the things I need to do for myself. I just don't have the energy.
The shower is warm and it feels good on my skin. I look at my arms as I lather them with soap. They are still scarred, and will be forever, by the fire in the Capitol. I know my back looks the same too. I look away automatically, not wanting to be reminded of my sister right now. Soon I get out of the shower and turn to braiding my hair. It's still cold out, so I throw on a large knit sweater and jeans before heading back downstairs. I lace up my hunting boots, even though I don't plan on going out into the woods today, and slip out the door.
As opposed to the last several times I have ventured out of Victor's Village, I'm not heading for the fence, and I am forcing myself to look up as I walk rather than down at my feet. The apprehension in my chest grows more and more as I make my way closer to town, but I force myself forward. It's selfish for me to stay shut up at home. I have to do something, just one small thing at least, to help my district.
When I make it into the heart of town, it's all I can do to keep my breath steady and my feet still. I visited town early on after I came back to 12, but have been avoiding it since. Most of the rubble is gone now. The ground, which was once covered with bones, ashes, and burned belongings is now clean, although the streets are still cracked and blackened from the flames.
I can see off in the distance the part of the meadow that has been turned into a graveyard. Most of the earth has been recovered now, but there are still a few holes being dug for people that we knew. The buildings haven't been dealt with yet. The foundations stand, charred and scorched and nearly unrecognizable, as a testament to the horrors that befell the people here not very long ago. I feel myself beginning to panic, desperate to escape, when I hear a familiar voice call out my name.
"Katniss?" I turn around, and see Thom walking over to me. He's carrying a shovel and he's covered in dirt. I realize with a pang that he is coming from the grave in the meadow.
"Hi," I say quietly. He grins and wraps me in a hug.
"How are you?" he says, pulling away from me and brushing the dirt off my sweater. He seems...fine. Far too fine for the work he's been doing.
"I'm alright," I mumble. "How are you?"
"I'm doing ok," he says. "I've been working on getting this place cleaned up, mostly. We've finally finished clearing out the rubble, and we're trying to plan the best pattern for rebuilding now."
I nod. I'd heard from Sae that Thom had become the de facto leader of the rebuilding effort. Apparently everyone is convinced that he should be elected mayor in the vote that will come up in a few months. I don't have any problem with that. We make idle conversation for a few minutes, before I realize that since he's in charge here, I've been presented with the perfect opportunity to figure out how I can help.
"Listen, Thom," I say. I calculate my words carefully, because I know I have to be subtle with this. I can't just outright say I'll buy them what they need; the people of 12 are still too opposed to debt and gifts. "I think I'm gonna be talking to Effie, and some other Capitol people on the phone later this week. Is there anything you guys need down here to help make things go easier? I can ask them to include whatever you want in the next allotment." It's a lie. I have no plans of talking to anyone from the Capitol, and even if I was to talk to Effie, she's not involved in the rebuilding effort directly. But if he thinks I'm just helping him expedite his way through the proper channels, he's more likely to take me up on the offer.
"Oh, well I guess we could use more cement, we're gonna start laying foundations soon for the new school and some of the first homes. And we could always use things like shovels and wheelbarrows, but really, Katniss, don't put yourself out." I smile.
"It won't be any trouble at all," I say, and I mean it. I'm glad to finally have a small way to help. Thom is called over by one of his crew men and we part ways.
I decide to take a long, circuitous route back to Victor's Village that takes me through what's left of the Seam. The structures here are relatively more intact than in town, since it seems that the town square was the primary target, but it's still barely recognizable. I walk past what was once the Hawthorne's house, my heart panging with sadness.
When I reach my old home, its roof collapsed in and it's walls charred in flames, I feel myself start to cry silently. I walk inside - the door is hanging open off its hinges - and am not even that shocked when I see Buttercup making his way through the wreckage. He's been coming and going from my house as he pleases, he can take care of himself. It shouldn't surprise me that he should go where he's reminded of my sister. He knows she's gone, I think he somehow understands that now. But he misses her in the way he understands how to.
"Come here, you idiot," I say, in the most loving tone I have ever directed towards this creature. I scoop him up in my arms. He wriggles around but doesn't claw me or hiss. I carry him all the way back to Victor's Village, my tears falling into his fur. Somehow, though, I do feel somewhat comforted by his presence.
That sense of comfort multiplied 10 fold, however, when I open the door to my house and find Peeta at my stove, cooking dinner.
"Hi," he says, turning towards me. His expression quickly changes when he notices my puffy eyes. "Are you ok?"
"Yeah," I say, setting Buttercup down and wiping my eyes with the sleeve of my sweater. "Probably just allergic to something this guy got into." I'm joking to deflect, and Peeta understands. He doesn't push me to talk any more than I want to.
"How was Delly?" I ask, sitting down on one of the stools at the counter so I'm across from him, watching him as he cooks.
"You know Delly, she can see the best in anything, no matter how awful," he says, stirring something in the pot. "She kept complimenting my work, telling me how well I captured her parents, saying how much they loved me. I know she means only the best by it, but it makes me sad. I wish I didn't have to paint them, I wish they were there for her. And I know how close we all were, but I can't even fully remember them. They deserve to be remembered."
He turns his focus back to the stove, but I can tell he feels guilty. Without much thought, I walk up behind him and wrap my arms around his chest under his shoulders. I feel his body tense initially, but he quickly relaxes into my hug.
"You've done nothing wrong," I say. "You're helping her heal. Like Haymitch said, that's all any of us can do." He laughs, diffusing the emotional aura of the situation.
"Oh yeah, you're one to quote Haymitch," he jokes. "You looked like you could have practically killed him this morning."
"He was just bugging me, I don't know," I say with a laugh. I return to my stool, and it doesn't even occur to me until I'm there that I just initiated a hug. I don't do that. I don't like physical contact very much. The only person I would hug openly was Prim. Peeta and I would embrace at night, to keep the nightmares away, and of course whenever we were on camera and keeping up the star-crossed lovers facade, but we didn't just hug spontaneously in the middle of the evening. I don't know what's gotten into me. Something just feels so natural, maybe even too natural with him. I don't fully understand it.
We eat together alone, Haymitch doesn't join us this time. Things feel superbly normal in a way that I haven't experienced in a long time. We talk, we laugh, we tease each other. It works. When Peeta makes as if to leave at the end of the night, I'm disappointed. I didn't mean for last night to just be a one off, I want him to stay.
"I..." I start. He turns and looks back at me. "I guess I sort of thought..you'd stay over again." I don't like being vulnerable and letting people know I need them. It's stupid to pretend with Peeta, he knows I need him, nothing I can say will stop that. But I can't help it. He sees the slightly embarrassed expression on my face, and smiles.
"Oh I have no intention of sleeping at my house tonight," he says. "I'm just going back to grab pajamas and a toothbrush." I smile at him and he heads out, but he's back before I know it. We head upstairs to my room and crawl into bed together. I feel content.