I think I fall into a fitful sleep for an hour, maybe two. When I wake up, the sky is just starting to lighten. Peeta has rolled onto his other side, so he's no longer holding me. That's all the opportunity I need.
I get up silently, pull on clothes quickly, and run out the door. I don't stop running until I pass the fence. I need to think, I need air, I need to breathe.
I need to be away from him.
He's done nothing wrong, but I can't be around him. If I'm around him I'll let him in more, too much. I don't want to care about him anymore than I already do. It's already almost killed me, losing him. If I let things go any further...no.
I find a tree and climb up, desperate for clear air and solitude. The weather is cool and a little damp this early in the morning. I need to clear my head.
I sit up on a branch, hyperventilating both from the run and from anxiety. I know, somewhere in my head, that all of the walls I put up to stop me from loving someone don't matter anymore. That we're safe now, that no one is coming to take him from me, that I don't need to be afraid. It doesn't matter though. I am afraid. I was never as brave as everyone thought I was.
I lose people I love. I lost my father even before this all started. I lost Rue, I lost Cinna, I lost Finnick, I lost Prim. I lost Peeta too, for a long time. I can't put him in danger again by caring about him. I have to stay away from him. I can't let myself...I don't want to say "love" him. That isn't the right word. Not right now. But whatever it is, whatever feeling, it can't happen. I can't do that.
There are women out there that can love him. I'm sure, in fact, that there are many who would be incredibly eager to do so. The thought makes me angrier than I'd like to admit. But I can't love him. It's not safe. Not only that, I really don't know if I'm capable of loving anymore, at least not in the way that he deserves. I just can't.
I can't.
I need to distance myself from him. It'll be hard, but I need to shut this down before it gets worse. Before I hurt him. It'll hurt him now, if I cut him off, but that'll be temporary. One short instance of pain. If I let things go on, drag this out, I'll hurt him for so long.
I feel simultaneously pained and numb at the thought of not seeing him. I close my eyes and lean my head back against the tree. The empty canvas dances up to the front of my eyes. The idea of not having him around makes me feel empty. But at least empty is safe.
I stay like this for a couple of hours, I think. I want to go back home and just hide, but he might still be there. I realize that he's probably looking for me. Haymitch too, maybe. I've been gone long enough, he's definitely awake. My heart pangs a bit as I think of Peeta on the train, telling me that his nightmares are about losing me, and that waking up and seeing me there helps them go away.
I've made his nightmares come true.
If they're looking for me, they've already checked around the house. I can go back there. I shuffle down the tree and head back. I'm wary as I walk through Victor's Village, but I don't see them. I slip inside my house and up my stairs. I take a seat in the hall closet and close the door. It's dark. It's blank. It's empty. It's what I need.
I sit there with my eyes open, not really feeling anything. This is what I do when I can't handle reality. I lose myself. I am no better than my mother. I am no better than anyone.
Maybe an hour or two later, I hear the door open and slam shut, followed by hurried footsteps and raised voices.
"I don't know where she could have gone!" says Peeta, his voice sounding desperate. "I've checked her place and mine, Delly checked her old house in the Seam, Sae checked town and the Market, I went as far around the woods as I could, and I called out for her. I'm getting really worried, Haymitch."
"It's ok, kid," Haymitch says. "You know she does this. If something's wrong she escapes, she hides."
"Yeah but that doesn't mean we just let her go! She runs, we chase after her. She hides, we go find her. That's just how it has to be. You're her guardian, you should realize that. She runs because she's scared or overwhelmed or devastated, and she thinks she can hide from it all, that being alone and shutting herself off will help. But you and I both know it won't. So we don't let her. We run with her." Peeta knows me too well. I'm not used to people being able to read me like this. I don't think I like it. Even in the dark of the closet, I feel exposed. I want to disappear. I don't want to know anything or care about anyone. I don't want anyone to know me or care about me. All of that just opens up more possibilities for hurt.
I hear Peeta and Haymitch running through all the places they've looked, all the places I could be.
"I don't know Haymitch," Peeta says. "You saw her at her worst in 13, after the Quell, and then again in the Capitol after Prim, when I was still in the hospital. What would she do then? Where would she go?" Haymitch is silent for a moment.
"Give me a second, ok?" he finally responds. Peeta doesn't say anything, he must be nodding. I hear Haymitch moving around downstairs - his footfalls are not light - and I think he's opening and closing doors. I hear him come up the stairs. Anxiety mounts in me. I see him stop in front of the closet that I'm in through the slats in the door.
"Hi sweetheart," he says through the layer of wood. "What are you up to?" I don't reply.
"Not in a talkative mood, eh?" he says, opening the door. I still don't acknowledge that he's here at all. "Well alright then." He sits down on the floor next to me, grunting a bit as he does so.
"I'm getting too old for this, you know. It's hard on my knees." He's trying to make me laugh, maybe, or just show some expression or reaction. Eventually he figures out that I'm beyond that.
"Listen, sweetheart. I don't know where your head is at. But you've got people who care about you. You've got a boy downstairs who practically tore the district apart looking for you. Just know that we're here. You don't need to rely on us, but you can if you want to. If you want to sit in a closet, sit in a closet. But do it with a friend."
He stops talking after that and just sits beside me. After a couple minutes, Peeta walks upstairs, clearly frustrated that Haymitch never returned to him. His expression changes when he sees me, and he looks like he's about to say something, but then thinks better of it. Instead he just sits down on my other side, and the three of us sit together in silence. Three broken people, broken together.
We stay like this for hours. Peeta and Haymitch don't say anything, they don't complain. At some point Peeta takes my hand. I should fight it but I don't. After maybe three hours in silence, Peeta finally speaks up.
"Do you think you could eat? Or at least drink something?" I nod at him. He smiles slightly.
"If you want, I can draw you a bath, and then make something." I nod again. I shouldn't let him take care of me. I don't know why I can never seem to follow my own instructions when it comes to him. I've never really been able to. When I was supposed to feel things, I didn't. Now that I don't want to...
He gets up and heads to my room. I hear water running soon after. Haymitch turns to look at me.
"You gonna be alright?" he asks. I nod. My voice hasn't seemed to come back yet. He helps me up, and I walk into my room. I enter the bathroom and see Peeta is standing by the nearly full tub.
"Take your time," he says. "Whenever you're ready, I'll have food for you." He leaves and closes the door behind him. I undress and slip into the water. He put soaps in it and there are bubbles. I slip down below the water level and open my eyes so I'm looking blurrily at the bubbles from beneath. They make me think of Finnick.
Finnick was there for me when I was despondent in 13 over Peeta's capture, even though he was devastated himself over Annie. In fact, it was sort of because we were both so lost that we could be there for eachother. We understood what the other was going through. Finnick said I loved Peeta. He said that maybe neither of us knew in what way, but I loved him. That's why it hurt so much.
When I get out of the bath I put on warm clothes, even though it's not that cold out. I head downstairs slowly. Haymitch seems to have left, it's just Peeta now. He's made tea and toast. He's aware that I won't be up for anything that's not simple. He just wants to make sure I eat.
"You look better," he says. I sit down at the counter stool and he slides the dishes over to me before taking a seat next to me. I eat small bites and sip the tea. We sit in silence for a minute, but then he speaks.
"Listen, Katniss," he starts, his voice both gentle and firm. "You don't have to tell me what you've been thinking about today. We're really close now, sure, but there are some things I can't understand. I don't have a problem with that. I just want to know that you'll be ok, even when you're so far gone I can't reach you. Do you think...do you think you could start speaking to Dr. Aurelius again? Just every once in a while. He's been pretty helpful for me. I just don't want you to lose yourself, Katniss. I don't want to lose you."
"Ok," I say, my voice hoarse. He smiles at me, and the silence returns, but it's lighter this time.
We have a quiet rest of the day, but it isn't quite so sad. I feel myself coming back bit by bit with his help.
When we crawl into my bed at night, I think back to Finnick. I don't really know what my feelings for Peeta are. I don't really understand them. I am so deeply stunted and oblivious in this realm, I can't even understand myself. But whether it's platonic or romantic or anything in between, I need this boy in my life. As much as I want to distance myself, I just can't. Our lives have been too intertwined for too long. We're stuck with each other.
He's stuck with me.