December 14th

A week after I came out, and the news had spread like wildfire. Part of me, the old me, had thought of it as my worst week ever, but I thought that it was the best. I finally felt free to express who I was, and I only found who I was because of my sweet boyfriend, Rafe. He, of course, was the one to tell everyone. If Natick had a newspaper, it would've read Ben and Rafe together for the entire week, and its main author would be Rafe.

Even though I was initially nervous, Steve and the others had a decent, if not indifferent reaction to us. I obviously had seen their weird glances when I told them it was true, but thinking back to the shower a few months ago, they probably were more scared than surprised. In other news, Rafe had quit the team, and I began to push harder during practice, much thanks to Coach Donnelly. On Saturday morning, after a night of plastic screwdrivers with Scanner Pong, Rafe gave me an offer.

"Wanna get in the GSA?" He asked me.

"The what?" I asked back, unsure if we were talking about the same thing.

"GSA. Gay-Straight Alliance."

"Uhm… I still think we're doing this…"

"Too fast?" He said.

"I mean,"

"Don't worry. I'll also be there. When you're ready."

I smiled at him. "I guess, I'm ready now."

He chuckled at me. We had already returned to our routine night life of talking about anything in general, but now with the addition of flirting. Of course, we would sleep together occasionally, but most weekdays, we would sleep separately, either looking at each other in the darkness or waking each other up with snores. I also began to hang out with Albie and Toby more often, while I grew more distant to the team without Bryce.

When the door swung open, six hopeful faces turned to look who it was. Toby smiled right away, while the others had unimpressed faces on them. Of course, it would be them, their faces read. I smiled back to Toby, and so did Rafe. Mr. Scarborough, our English teacher, and the first one to know about Rafe's true self in Natick, nodded at Rafe.

"Boys, it appears we have two new members!" Mr. Scarborough said. "I'm sure you all heard the news. Here's Ben Carver and Rafe Goldberg." Words I'd never even imagine to hear in a GSA meeting.

I saw Jeff, a sophomore I knew from the cross-country team, but the other three members of the GSA I only knew barely. I mean, I've always saw them walking around, Natick wasn't too big for that. But the three were obviously not going to be interacting with a guy like me. A guy who hanged out with the gang on the top of the food chain.

"Hey." We both said, and everyone welcomed us, with Mr. Scarborough pointing us to the empty chairs of the circle. There were twelve, and we took the ones next to Toby, me sitting on the outer one. I reached out to Rafe, and he squeezed my arm, subconsciously telling me that it was going to be fine. I knew he was nervous too. These kids could become a big part of his future in Natick, and I wondered if they were like Rafe before he arrived here. Everyone was sizing us up. The Jock and the Twig. Were we a good addition? Was I a good addition? I hoped so.

"Finally, huh." Toby said, looking at both of us. "Adam and Steve." Rafe giggled.

Everyone got settled and the sharing started. The first one was Ned, who was facing me, talking about whether he could come out of his roommate. It was interesting, listening to other people, people like me and their perspective. He'd punctuate every sentence with the phrase 'or so', but I didn't mind. I was deep into listening what he was talking about.

The next one to share was Carlton, a freshman who I only had seen in assemblies and events. His features were extremely feminine, his mouth framed by pouty lips, his eyebrows arched up like he had plucked them. He was wearing black skinny jeans and a formfitting black blazer, which almost looked like it was for a girl. And his hair looked like Justin Bieber's. He briefly sped through something about being teased, looking at me nervously. I knew why he was nervous, but even if I was far different than everyone thought of me, I was too scared to say it'll be okay.

Toby was next. He talked about how it felt when he caught the attention of Steve, and how it felt when Robinson broke the news of the shower incident to him. I felt sad for him, obviously, but I was still envious of his courage being so open. His spikey hair complimenting his leather jacket and ripped shorts. The pinnacle of I don't give a fuck.

Rafe came next. He shared to the group everything that we had talked about. The first time he came out, how it felt being out in Boulder, and his decision to remove his label and move here, to Natick. He then talked about our bromance. Then, our romance. It was unnerving seeing him letting the whole cat out of the bag, but I guess it wouldn't hurt. Don't lean back, I rememebered.

It was me that was next. As I stood up, the freshman and Ned became slightly intimidated, but I was probably the most intimidated out of them all.

"I just, want to thank Rafe for bringing me out here. It's really been inspiring to listen to what you guys had to say." I began. "Before all of this, I was with a girl called Cindy. And when I decided to come here, to Natick, she dumped me. Calling me 'not myself'. But who is this myself? I thought." I stammered a bit, before continuing. "As you all know, I'm in Natick's baseball team, and I know some of you have felt a bit scared, but I think I'm the most scared of you all. The person that had brought me here, to this place is Rafe, and I thank him the most for that."

Rafe looked at me, silently nodding and smiling.

"And when he came into my life, I realized that I wasn't just another copy of Steve but bigger. Bryce, my best friend ever, had taught me how to feel like myself. And when he was around, I did feel like myself. But it wasn't until he came along and made me think who I was. And I figured it out. I am bisexual. I am Ben, and I can be whoever I want to be."

A few seconds of silence came, and I finally could come with a conclusion.

"Lastly, I want to thank Toby, and Rafe again, for pushing me down the mountain, and telling me to lean forward into my challenges. To face the world and shout: 'I am me.'. So, thank you, Toby and Rafe. Thank you for being brave, Toby, and thank you for being so patient with me, Rafe."

Rafe and Toby blushed, while the other five clapped. The next person was going to be Jeff, but I was too self-conscious to listen. I looked at everyone, who was probably thinking about what I just said. I looked at Rafe, who sported a thumbs up for me.

"You did good." He whispered.

And as we walked out of the GSA meeting, Steve happened to be coming down the hallway toward us. He scanned me and Rafe, and gave us an odd look. No more hanging out with hi, I thought. And for once, I felt okay with it. If I did well in baseball, I had nothing more to prove to him, or the others. I'm Ben, the bisexual, introverted guy that is in a relationship with a weird, Coloradan gay dude. It didn't matter if I was going to be known as that. As long as I was happy with who I was, why should anyone stop me? Why should any label matter to me? To us?

I waved goodbye to him, while he walked away from us, ignoring our goodbyes.

We headed back into my dorm room.

"That was nice." He said to me.

"I know. But I'm just glad it was over."

"I'm sure you'll get to know them better. Just a couple more meetings."

"Yeah."

Silence fell between us. The romantic feeling had taken over. I sighed.

"So, the finals. Wanna study together?" I asked.

"What are you trying to say?" He replied with a smirk.

"Fuck you." I laughed. "You teach me science and I'll help you with history and calculus. Deal?"

"Deal."

He headed back to his room to grab a few books, before sitting on Bryce's old desk, us flipping pages and books in tandem. I felt safe, beside of him. I slightly glanced at what he was doing, and I thought that he looked cute looking at some of his math worksheets.

I finally stopped at the plateau with him, and we both got to enjoy the view. I reminisced the massive towering Rocky Mountains while reading up on my history textbook, flipping over to the Switzerland section.

And as the Finals had flied by, we all felt free. Rafe was now openly gay, once again, and participated in the publishing of the school's literary magazine. I improved in the few games we played, while rarely playing touch football together.

The last day before holiday break, we were packing up. To Colorado. Again. Where it all started. I was excited to see Claire Olivia and the Goldbergs again, and Rafe was happy that he could return without any secrets. We were sitting on our beds, and as we were talking about garlic bread, he suddenly got serious.

"Ben, I have something to tell you." He said. "One last thing to confess."

"What?" I said, a tingling pulse going up my spine.

"You had monkey breath, on the Monday night, when we – you know."

I turned crimson red.

"Sorry."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I said, with a much more relaxed tone. I scanned my memory for signs of that, remembering the night I was struggling with my poem. How embarrassing.

"Are you kidding me? You think I cared about that?" He said, with a laugh.

"I would've." I said, and I studied the white sheet on my bed. It was crumpled, and I ironed it out with my palm.

"It was fine, Ben," he said. "Really. I was interested in you, not your breath. It wasn't that bad, anyway. Just a tiny bit monkeyish."

"Maybe we shouldn't tell everyone everything."

He giggled. "Maybe, maybe." He said. "You know, you really are the greatest boyfriend in the universe."

"I doubt that." I said.

"Nope, you are. Even if you were still Cindy's. Or even if you became Bryce's."

I smiled, thinking of an alternate reality where it would be true.

"Admit it. You are the greatest person in the universe."

"Woah, the greatest person now?"

He laughed. "Yep, you are."

"Thanks. I guess you're the second-best person in the universe."

Rafe burst out laughing. "And the second worst boyfriend ever."

"Who's the worst?" I asked.

"Me, before Thanksgiving."

I laughed. "The worst, huh. Well, I guess I have the worst taste in men in the universe."

We both laughed. Then we looked at each other. Everything we've been through. It was worth it.

Right before I got to Colorado with Rafe, I wrote a letter to my family.

'Mom, I wrote this because I'm not going home for Christmas. I'm going to Colorado with my boyfriend. Yes, boyfriend. I hope you and Dad can understand, but I know Dad won't. I'm sorry but whenever he was around, I didn't feel like myself, and just for these few months, I did. And he helped me. His name is Rafe, by the way. I hope you are well.

Dad, I know you are going to be very, very mad at me, but just know that I don't care. I'm a Carver, and you taught me to be brave. Be strong, And I am, against you. I'm bisexual, like Uncle Max, and I'm proud of it. This isn't foolishness, like you said. This is love, like yours with Mom's. Like mine with Cindy. I know you won't understand, I know you won't accept me, so I'm just going to say, Thank You. Thank you for providing me, Mom and Luke. Unlike some of the other kids at Natick, I appreciate every single thing I have. I do. But you really are a difficult father to have. I sincerely hope we can meet again, and maybe, just maybe; I can feel like myself around you.

Luke, please take care of your parents. I know things can be hard without me, but I have to go with him. I hope you understand. You're the only one that understood me when I was at home, and now I have someone that made me feel understood, that made me feel like I wasn't someone else. I will return to the farm, I promise, but just not this year. Again, I really hope you understand. I wish you, Dad and Mom a merry Christmas.

-Ben'

At lunch, we had some classic Natick lunch, not great, but not too terrible either with Toby and Carlton, whom Rafe and I began to talk to after a few awkward talks. I also began to make friends with the other GSA members. After the lunch, I failed to tell Rafe about his tomato coated chin, and when a kid, who hanged with Steve came by with a nasty look, he went up in a burst of anger.

"What's your problem?"

"Me?" The kid replied.

"Yeah, you. You never seen three gay dudes and a bi dude walking together before?"

"I didn't…"

"Is that so fucking hilarious that you can't keep it to yourself?!"
"Ahem." I interrupted from behind. Me stepping up quietly probably wasn't the wisest move, because the kid was prepared to run.

"Dude, you have sauce all over your chin." I said to Rafe, pointing at the tip of my chin.

"Oh." Rafe mumbled. "My bad, sorry." He turned beet red.

The kid walked away, now giving us a confused look.

"Wow, you told him." Toby said. "Maybe next time you can walk around with a booger on your nose and call anyone who looks an anti-Semite!"

"Shut up, you two." He said, as I giggled along with Toby. Carlton began to chuckle too. "Seriously, just stop talking."

The second time we flew to Colorado together was a very different experience. The first trip was my first contact with my homosexual side, and I was freaking out when we began to experiment on his bed. He did too. And now, here we were, together for one whole month now.

This flight felt like a honeymoon. And the first GSA meeting felt like our marriage. I was partially nervous to meet the Goldbergs again, but I generally felt fine. Rafe would shout to the whole plane that we were a couple and I'd be fine with it, outside of being ashamed for him being a nuisance.

I went back to our first flight. When I felt like crying talking to him. When I came out to him. When we kissed. It all went on so fast.

I looked down into the fields, filled with pure white snow. I began to worry a bit. I looked at Rafe, who looked at me.

"What do you think would happen if I shown you to my parents?" I asked.

"Nothing good, I'd say." Rafe replied.

"Yeah."

He looked like he was going to say something, but as I was anticipating his voice, he looked away.

I went back to peering out of the window, before grabbing a book I was stowing for the eventual boredom. Rafe realized what I was reading. Two Boys Kissing. The same book he'd read on that first flight.

"Wait, is that my book?" He asked. "I thought I lost it!"

I chuckled. I thought I lost you.

"Gimme that back!" He said, pulling the book towards him.

"Not before I finish it." I said. "Still have a couple of chapters left, don't worry."