It was the next day when the Goldbergs had gotten us blue rodent costumes. Mrs. G had told me about it the night before, and I was half-excited half-cringing when we had to wear the suits AND make the cheese. Rafe partially had the blame on him, too, roping me and Claire Olivia into this chore. And being the big guy of the three, I got the heavy load, which was the mixing of a hot mixture of soy milk, olive oil, raw cashews and lemon juice that would become cheese. Vegan cheese. Yuck.
"This is literally the reason there are child labor laws." Rafe complained. I thought of me being called to work in the farm since I was twelve.
"Shut it, Rafe, you wouldn't last a second in a farm." I said, smiling. Mrs. G agreed.
"Now, focus, you don't want to get olive oil all over the counter."
Claire Olivia nodded inside the oversized rodent head. "I actually adore this," she said as she removed some cheesecloth from its packaging and placed it on the counter in front of us. "All most people do for Christmas is wait for an obese man to slide down their chimney and bring them stuff. I mean, at least we get to bring vegan cheese to the homeless."
"Haven't the homeless suffered enough?" Rafe asked, his mom cuffing the back of his head. Three of us cracked up inside our mouse suits.
"Oh, you." She said.
I continued to spin the plastic spatula around the hot gunk, with Mrs. G looking impressed with how long I've been mixing.
"Have you done this before?" Mrs. Goldberg asked me.
"No, but I've mixed some way nastier stuff than this." Rafe chuckled, while Mrs. G frowned. "My parents own a farm. I've been working in there since I was twelve."
She gave me a that makes sense look.
As we watched the cheese dry, which was as exciting as it sounds like, Claire Olivia let us know that this year, Chrismukkah festivities were being extended by several hours.
"Don't be flattered, Ben. It's not about you. It's a Rafe-and-me thing." Claire Olivia said. I smiled.
"Pass." Rafe said, popping a Peeps Christmas into his mouth. I took one and ate it too, feeling the green sugar coating in my mouth. It was as good as Rafe described it to be.
"Nope, not a chance."
"I have to stay here, with Ben." He said, looking to me.
"Me? I'm definitely going." I said. Claire Olivia laughed while Rafe facepalmed.
"We've got plans, mister." She said, grabbing the rest of the Peeps package out of our reach. "You'll thank me later, by the way, for putting those gross things away." She said to me. I cracked up.
"It's not that bad." I said.
"What did you do to him?" she said to Rafe, who also cracked up.
As the cheese began to turn into a gross greyish yellow, Claire Olivia turned to us from the cheese.
"Just so you know: We're leaving in fifteen."
"Is this another of your insane holiday ideas? Because truly I think I'm all full up this year." Rafe replied.
"Yes, and too damn bad," she said.
"Fine. At least you're having fun." He said, looking at me.
We headed to the living room, where Mr. Goldberg was sitting on a recliner, engrossed in reading some book about life choices, or something. He was so focused that he hadn't noticed us crashing onto the couch.
"Well, prepare to have an adventure of your life." Rafe said. I chuckled a bit.
"Come on, it can't be as bad as throwing apples at each other, or, I don't know, limbo?"
"You haven't seen what she can do, so shut your mouth." He said. He looks so cute when he's angry.
It was then when Claire Olivia came over to the room.
"Get your coat on. We're going. Ben, you follow and don't touch anything."
"Alright." I said.
We listened to The Head and the Heart on the radio as Claire Olivia drove us westward to the Pearl Street Mall in her car. I was in the back, again, and Rafe was riding shotgun.
"Please tell me You-Know-Caleb is not involved. I really cannot hack him tonight. Seriously. Last week was, like, plenty." Rafe said, half-sarcastically.
She laughed. "No worries. I figured."
"Thanks."
She parked on Seventeenth just south of the mall, and we tromped through the foot or so of fresh powder. I trailed behind the couple when Claire Olivia grabbed Rafe's hand, crossed the street, and turned right, he smiled. "Okay."
The Laughing Goat, with its hippier-than-thou atmosphere that as nevertheless warm and cozy. Rafe told me that it was their favorite coffee shop to hang out in, and the two would drink Italian sodas and talk about Claire Olivia's tragic dating life and Rafe's ridiculous parents, who seem more caring than ridiculous to me. The shop had some industrial piping on the ceiling, and as we ordered our drinks, I realized the baristas was one of the friendliest ones I've seen. And the cutest ones, too.
Right after we entered the shop, the warm breeze gave us a relaxed vibe.
"Hey, Rafe! Claire!" the woman with a pierced nose said. Interestingly, Claire Olivia did not correct her.
"Hey… you." Rafe said back, mumbling the 'you' part.
The woman sucked her cheeks and rolled her eyes. "Amantha." She corrected her. Tha. Not Da. I gave myself a mental note.
"Sorry, bad person." Rafe said, looking at us sheepishly.
"Let me guess: S'more's cappuccino, large, and one café latte, medium?"
Rafe nodded, feeling impressed.
"And I'll just have a medium expresso, thanks." I added.
"Oh, yeah, this is Ben." Rafe said. I gave her a sheepish wave and a smile.
The TV in the corner was on some sort of hip-hop video, and there were some interesting people in the shop. A bald guy, who Rafe calls the Bald Writing Guy, was typing on his Mac, while another, who Rafe calls 'Not as cute as you, but cute' sat on a table against the wall, under a painting of half a woman's face.
Amantha returned with our drinks, Rafe paid, and we found two tables in the back where the music—a song by Boy & Bear—wasn't too loud. I sat alone, facing Rafe where I could admire him properly, while Claire Olivia whined about him not drinking.
"Rafesmas?" I overheard Rafe say.
"I'm not as creative as you, okay?" Claire Olivia replied.
I saw Rafe smile, slightly glancing at me. "What did you do?"
I then focused on my coffee, which tasted exceptionally good, and looked at the café. It was much more modern and had a warm feeling to it, unlike the bar near Natick or any diner that I spent time in.
"We're going to a yoga studio?" I overheard Rafe again. A yoga studio? They then went on and came to a conclusion of something called Yoga for Cows.
Rafe then headed to the back hallway with Claire Olivia. I felt curious and followed at the back, seeing a drawing of a cow wrapped up as if it was going to be roasted, with waves of heat emanating off it. Under it, she had written:
Your Favorite Flower
Under Your Favorite Condiment
At your favorite market
I definitely knew what all three of those were. Talking to someone like Rafe, you're bound to know almost everything about him. As they turned around, Rafe gave me a quick kiss in the lips and said: "My room, later." With a smile.
I almost fainted.
I didn't listen to what they had to say, as the last few words were enough for me. We headed out into the evening after our drinks were finished, and I felt warm inside, like I belonged with him. With them. It was like I truly had found where I belonged. Natick and Boulder. Two of the best places on Earth.
'Alfalfa Market makes the best sandwiches in town.' Was what I was told. We walked together now, rushing to the condiments area, past the jams and various nut butters to find the chutneys, Rafe's favorite condiment. A green stem reached out to Rafe and I on one of the bottles of chutney.
"How did you know that no one would take it?" he asked.
"It's chutney." She said, putting her arms on both of our shoulders. "Who buys chutney?"
"Hey, don't hate on chutney." Rafe said, having never even tried it. He told me that it was one of his favorite words, like his Perchance. Chutney and Hydrangeas. Two of his favorite words to put in sentences with Claire Olivia.
He reached for the stem, and he pulled out a dead Hydrangea, with a piece of paper attached to it.
I held it up. "You got me a dead hydrangea?"
Claire Olivia looked mortified. "Shit. It didn't even occur to me that a half day on a dark shelf would do that."
He smirked, and said. "And you're sure I can't be even a little bit snarky? Just for one moment?" I cracked up a bit.
She shook her head, and we all laughed.
Claire Olivia glanced at her watch and then looked around.
"What?" I said. "More surprises?"
She tried to look aloof, but Claire Olivia wasn't really so good at looking like she didn't care. She glanced back at her watch, really stared at it, and suddenly the music got louder.
The opening chords sounded like a banjo. Banjoing. I thought to myself. Then, a drumbeat kicked in. I felt like Rafe knew what the song was, and he looked at me, beginning to blush.
Rafe was going to speak, but Claire Olivia interrupted him.
"I've taken you to this awesome home of stupendous sandwiches and surrounded you and your favorite boy with some of your favorite words because it's time." She said, then she looked at me. "And you, you have to fully listen to the whole song to, like, feel everything. I made this for a boy who took too long to appreciate himself, and for a boy who finally gave in to himself and challenged his surroundings. You two are kinda like two peas in a pod, you know?"
I blushed as well, approaching Rafe, who sat down on the market floor. I sat down beside him, leaning on the shelf. He looked around to see if anyone was watching, but there wasn't anyone.
"I got them to guard the row for a few minutes, okay? I told them that you had a relationship emergency, a boy who refused to tell the truth until the last second, and another who never felt safe enough being with his love. And they, basically, like insisted. So, both of you, take all the time you need. Talk, or don't. I don't care." She walked off, and we looked at each other. The lyrics of the song was a first time for me, but as I saw Rafe close his eyes, I knew it was something special for him.
The part came on where the guy croons, 'I'm so scared of losing you, and I don't know what I can do about it', and shivers crept up and down my spine to the top of my skull and the very bottom of my big toes. I thought back to when I stormed out of his bedroom, looking up to the pale Colorado sky before glancing back onto the wooden fence. I felt everything I did feel from the week without Rafe. When we almost broke up. Then, I felt his hand squeezing mine.
"I'm sorry for avoiding you." He said to me. "I screwed up. And I just felt like you were more distant since then."
"I know." I said. "And you know that I will love you no matter what."
We kissed, then we hugged tightly, before standing up and hugging tighter than ever. And as the song began to crescendo, I heard a phrase that would resonate through my whole body.
I know that I don't wanna know who I am without you...
I cried. We both cried, leaning on a shelf of chutney and mustard, staring at cans of tomato sauce and bottles of mayonnaise. We looked at each other, after a few seconds of weeping. I wanted to smile, but my mouth was too heavy. I wanted to hug him, but my arms felt like lead. So, we just sat there, listening as the song transitioned to a more acoustic instrumental.
"We are never, ever, ever withholding anything from each other again." He said, wiping a trail of tears off his cheek.
"Of course." I said.
This was our song. I thought to myself. Of course, it wasn't, but I like to think the universe had sent it to us, for us. Agape. Higher love. And all I could think about was Rafe, the person right in front of me. I wanted to dance with him, and flow with the music, but as the song began to fade, I only could think of hugging him with a strong grip.
After the song had ended, we let go of each other, a smile appearing on my face. I felt like a cloud after a storm. A bunch of balloons being let go.
"I guess this is called Ben-and-Rafesmas now?" I joked.
Rafe giggled, and Claire Olivia returned to the aisle.
She announced to us both: "Rafesmas is the holy day where we desecrate a bronze statue of a bull elk, making him more Rafe-like using these here stickers. And then we take pictures and put them on Instagram and they go viral because we're quirky in an endearing way that all the kids just love."
I laughed. The staff applauded as we walked out of Alfalfa's hand in hand, and I started to wonder if anything would ever be more embarrassing than dancing in a grocery store. Rafe looked at me, and I looked at Rafe. Then, I looked at Claire Olivia.
"Thanks for this, Claire Olivia."
"You're welcome."
We all headed to the Bull Elk statue in Pearl Street. Rafe and Claire Olivia climbed across the fence and place stickers, while I laughed at them, taking pictures for both of them. The stickers were just names of various body parts that Rafe and Claire Olivia were sticking on the statue. Rafesmas was truly quite a holiday. And after the sticking and laughing, we shared the pictures to social media, laughing at each of the ones that I had picked. We had fun, as much fun as the apple orchard, and after that, Claire Olivia left us alone in Smashburger for a date.
"I love this. Claire Olivia is the best best friend anyone can have." I said, eating a delicious beef burger.
"I know." Rafe agreed. "I guess I was ungrateful before we went out. I should apologize to her."
"Well, the second-best best friend." I corrected myself. "And yeah, you should."
Rafe looked at me, giving me a confused look.
"You're my best friend, dummy. And my boyfriend."
He cracked up and blushed. "You too, sir, you too."
We were silent for a minute. I thought of when we were on the ski lift again. The feeling we felt when we were together. When we were quiet, the silence surrounding us, conducting our feelings as we felt each other's body heat. It was the same identical feeling when we sat in the condiments aisle. The same one when we slept together after our Thanksgiving trip. A brand-new feeling, that neither of us had ever felt before. Not with his first boyfriend, Clay, and not with my ex-girlfriend, Cindy. A mix of romance and friendship. Eros and philia. Something that no poem, no words, no sentence, no image can describe.
Agape.
And I would never have felt it without him.