A/N: hey again all! I'm SO sorry for the weird appearance and disappearance of ch.19, and also the couple days without new content while I dealt w the errors. My ff website is still giving me a lot of issues, but I really really want to get content out to you guys. I appreciate reviews and the fact that some of you are invested in this story SO much - it seriously makes my day, so I just wanted to let y'all know how much I thank you for that. Anyways, that's it and I love y'all, and hopefully this chapter posts without issue :)
It takes me a few days to fully shed the discomfort from Gale's call. I try not to dwell on it, and do alright when I'm occupied, but when my mind wanders it goes to places I do not like.
Peeta is doing everything right for me. He never pries but he can tell when I need him. No matter what else he has to do he won't leave me alone if he's worried about me. I feel very lucky to have him with me.
About a week and a half after election night, I get a call from Thom asking me to come to the first official planning meeting for the medicine factory construction team. The morning of the meeting I'm a strange mix of nervous and excited. I wake up early to shower, and when I get out I see that Peeta has already gone downstairs to make me breakfast and coffee.
"Thank you," I say as I take the mug and plate from him.
"Of course," he says. "You're going to be great." He kisses me on the cheek.
"What are your plans for the day?" I ask him.
"I'm gonna paint for a while I think, then I'm grabbing lunch with Delly. Apparently there's some guy she's interested in and she wants to tell me about him and get my advice." I snort a little into my coffee.
"I feel like your advice might be a little bit situation-specific. Unless she wants to go profess her love for him on stage before entering a fight to the death, I don't know what you can tell her," I joke, and Peeta laughs.
"Oh I so have advice!" Peeta says, in a mock-defensive voice. "It wasn't the interview that got you. The only thing that got you to do was push me into a plant! I had my ways, Katniss Everdeen. I had my ways." I shove him playfully.
"You're so dumb," I tease, but I think any sincerity is lost when I kiss him. He smiles into the kiss.
"You know," he says when we break apart. "Delly was actually the only person I told about you."
"About me what?"
"About liking you, I mean. Before the Games. I think my dad knew, he could always read me really well, and he'd give little teasing jokes and knowing looks every once and awhile. But out of all my friends from school, Delly was the only one I talked about it with. She's a very understanding person, and she doesn't judge. She's been our biggest fan since before we had fans." I laugh a little at that.
"That's weirdly sweet," I say, and he smiles.
"I agree," he says, getting up and kissing the top of my head. "You should head out soon, you don't want to be late."
"Thanks, Effie," I tease, and he rolls his eyes at me before I kiss him again.
"Wow, you really are more like Haymitch than I thought, if you can call me Effie and then kiss me in a matter of minutes," he says, and I punch his arm playfully.
"You're the worst," I say through laughs as I turn and grab the plant book off the shelf and start to head out the door.
We're meeting in the Justice Building, which makes me a little nervous. The only times I've been in the Justice Building in 12 were either connected to my father's death or the Games. I don't have any positive associations with that place. I guess it's good for me to try to start unconditioning that feeling, though. I remember Dr. Aurelius saying something along those lines, that the more I can force myself to go places or do things that make me uncomfortable, the weaker the association will become between those places and the bad memories.
I take a deep breath before I open the doors and walk into the building. I feel anxiety mount in my chest as I walk down the halls. I realize I don't actually know where I'm going or what room I should be looking for. I'm starting to feel a little panicky when I hear a familiar voice.
"Katniss!" I hear, and turn around. I see Leevy coming up to me, and I smile at her.
"Hi," I say, feeling a little relieved to be grounded in reality by a familiar face. I've seen Leevy a handful of times in town since I've been back, but we haven't talked much more than just saying hello when we pass each other.
"Here for the meeting?" she asks me, and I nod. "It's right at the end of the hall." She points towards a room at the far end and starts walking with me. The room is not one I had been in before. It has a big round table with chairs all around, sort of like the one in the Capitol from which we voted on the Games, but everything here is simple.
We're here a little early, so only about half the seats are filled. Some people I recognize, some I don't. Leevy sits down next to Thom, who greets me with a wave and her with a kiss on the cheek. I see our three Senators - Bristol, Alon, and Raphael - and decide to take a seat next to Bristol. We make small talk until the room fills and Thom gets up, starting the meeting.
"I'm so happy to have you all here," he begins. "You all know that we're here today to start planning a better future for 12, making our new industry somewhere people can be happy to work, and where their work can actually help people."
He keeps going, talking about his plans for the medicine factory, and for improving 12 as a whole. Looking around the room, I see that everyone is gripped. Being used to Peeta, I have a high standard for when a speech like this genuinely moves me, so while I'm not necessarily swept off my feet but a lot of other people are, and with good reason. Thom is very good, and everything he says represents something that has never been seen before in 12. It's nice to see people excited about it.
The meeting lasts a couple of hours, and then I stay for an extra hour or so with Thom, Leevy, and a woman named Senda, who was sent by the new administration in the Capitol to help set up the health clinic and 12. Apparently someone like this has been sent to each district, just to get things up and running so that we all have access to healthcare.
The four of us go over my plant book and talk about what we have access to here in 12, what seasons things bloom in, and what medicines we could manufacture most effectively based on our resources here. It's gratifying to feel useful after isolating myself for so long.
By the time the meeting is over, the Justice Building is starting to look very different to me. The hallway that felt oppressive and confusing on my way in now looks kind of nice with the afternoon light pouring in through the windows. Maybe there's something to Aurelius's advice after all.
I grab lunch with Sae at the Market before heading back to Victor's Village. I check Peeta's house and see that unsurprisingly he isn't back yet; I cannot imagine the absolute barrage of words he must be getting hit with if he's talking to Delly about her love life, I imagine it will take a while for him to extricate himself.
I return to my house and curl up in an armchair that faces the window. I look outside and just think. For once, the thoughts aren't painful. For once I actually find some merit to being in my head. I'm not even entirely sure, but I think it's been a very long time since I felt that way.
An hour or so later, the door opens and Peeta comes in, Delly following closely behind him. He's carrying several bags from the market in his hands.
"Hi Katniss!" she says, beaming.
"Hi," I say back, a little confused.
"How was the meeting?" Peeta asks me. He kisses my cheek, which elicits a little squealing noise from Delly, and I have to resist rolling my eyes.
"It was good," I tell him. "I think it's gonna be a good project."
"That's great," he says, smiling.
"What's all this for?" I ask, gesturing to the bags.
"Oh, yeah, I was coming to get you actually, because I'm gonna cook dinner with Delly at my house, and she's inviting Maxwell over too."
"Maxwell?" I ask.
"He's, he's just a guy, just a friend!" Delly says, blushing terribly. "He's from 5 originally, and he's really nice. He moved out here for a fresh start, and he likes that it gets cold here. It's hot in 5, apparently it's sort of like a desert..."
She keeps going on and on. I make eye contact with Peeta and see him mouth the words "I'm sorry," and it's all I can do not to laugh. It's very evident to me that Peeta is just doing this for her to be nice. She's completely bubbling over with the feelings of a giddy crush. Like a brother helping his sister, he's gonna be there for her. It's sweet.
The three of us head to Peeta's soon after, and Delly helps Peeta cook while I sit at the counter stool and just watch them.
The normalcy of this situation is weird to me, but not in a bad way. Just cooking and chatting and laughing is such a normal thing that would have been a luxury before. Delly Cartwright is never someone I imagined spending any real amount of time with, yet her presence has become pretty normal. Hell, if you'd asked me before the first Games, I would never have thought Peeta Mellark would play any role in my life more than giving me the bread, and now he's the person I can't live without.
That last thought scares me a little, but I know it's true. I can't live without Peeta. Frankly, I think that's been true for a while. When he was in the Capitol and I was in 13, I may have kept my body going, but I wasn't living. I was so far gone. My dependence on him has only increased since we've been back here.
One part of me always says I should run, that I shouldn't let myself get attached to anyone because they could get ripped away from me. Part of me thinks I should never ever leave his side, because if I always have him with me maybe I can always protect him. Another part of me is beginning to understand the world we're situated in now. That part is telling me you're allowed to get attached and you're allowed to enjoy the normal things, and that you don't have to go into fight or flight.
That voice has a hard time battling the other ones sometimes, but I think it's starting to get louder.
After about an hour or so we set the table and then there's a knock on the door. Delly starts and runs her hands through her hair quickly before bouncing over to open the door.
"Hi Maxwell!" she says. He walks in and gives her a hug.
"Hi Delly!" he says back to her. It becomes clear within moments why Delly likes him; this man's warmth matches her own, his sunny personality would only be outshined by her's.
"Thank you for hosting us, Peeta," Maxwell says, shaking his hand. "It's so nice to finally meet you, I've heard so much about you. And you too, Katniss!"
The four of us sit down and start eating. I actually enjoy this dinner much more than I would have expected. Maxwell is interesting, and here's a very open person, so he tells stories and shares things that I would have kept to myself in front of strangers.
Apparently he lost his whole family in the war; they were all a part of the attack on the hydroelectric dam in 5. The attack was successful and knocked out power to the Capitol for a good amount of time, but apparently Peacekeepers stormed in mass numbers after they figured out what was going on, and he was the only one from his family who made it out. He says that he still loves 5, but wanted to try life somewhere new now that he could, and wanted to avoid some of the most painful memories.
He jokes that he had always wanted to live somewhere with seasons that weren't just hot and hotter, and Delly giggles at this. I don't think she's taken her eyes off him the whole time. I guess he's good looking; he has sandy colored hair and eyes that remind me a little of Finch's. I can tell though that Delly sees something in him beyond any of these physical characteristics. She's a goner.
The whole evening is a lot more pleasant than I would have expected, and when Delly and Maxwell depart and Peeta and I curl up together on his couch, I'm actually in a really good mood. We're each lying on our sides, facing each other with our legs intertwined. He's undone my braid and is playing with my hair, tucking pieces behind my ear and curling others around his fingers.
"So tell me more about the meeting," he says. "We didn't actually get to talk that much with Delly and everything."
"It was good," I tell him. "Thom knows what he's doing, and a lot of the people who are involved in the rebuilding stuff are interested in helping with this too. I went over a lot of plants with Thom, Leevy, and Senda. It felt good to be involved."
"I'm proud of you," he mumbles into my neck while giving me little kisses. "And thank you for humoring me and Delly too." I laugh a little bit.
"It really wasn't so bad," I tell him. "I think that's my biggest sign of personal growth, to be honest."
He laughs, and then moves his mouth from my neck to my lips. His lips are so warm and soft. I like coming home to this feeling after a long day.
We shift a little bit so he's flat on his back and I'm lying on top of him. I plant a trail of kisses around his jaw line and down his neck, nipping and sucking a little bit as I go. He groans and I like it. His hands cup my ass and he squeezes a little bit in a way he hasn't before. I respond by grinding my hips against him, and smirk a little as I feel him starting to harden in his pants.
I start tugging at his shirt because I want it off, so he sits up to do so. In this shift, I wrap my legs behind him so we're both upright and I'm sitting on his lap facing him. He pulls off his shirt and I run my hands along the plane of his chest and abs. Without thinking or hesitating, I pull my own shirt over my head. My breasts, now only covered by my bra, are pressed up against his chest. He takes my earlobe between his teeth for a minute before moving his attention to a spot on my neck rich below my ear. He sucks, nips, kisses. I moan and he increases his pressure.
"Peeta," I murmur. He removes his mouth and looks at me. His eyes show that he's worried he's done something wrong.
"Upstairs," I say, and his mouth splits into a grin. He stands up and hoists me onto him so I'm still in the same position facing him, with my legs wrapped around his waist. He carries me up the stairs while I pepper his neck with kisses.
When we reach the landing he pushes the door to his room open with his foot, before dropping me down on the bed and climbing on top of me. I can feel him pressed up against me, his pants completely tented now. I move my hands down and cup him through the khaki material of his pants. He let out a sort of strangled gasp and I smirk at him. I like feeling control when I'm with him like this. Feeling him respond to my actions makes me forget about everything else. I love seeing what I can do to him. I undo his belt and toss it to the side.
"Can these come off?" I ask him, taking the waistband of his pants in my hand. He nods, and I slip them down his legs. They get caught briefly on his prosthetic but he shakes them off quickly. His hands move to my waist and I feel his thumb running along the button of my jeans. He doesn't want to make me uncomfortable.
"Do it," I tell him. Once I say yes he doesn't hesitate. He unbuttons my jeans and pulls them down my legs, throwing them to the floor. We're now just in our undergarments, and I can see how much Peeta is straining through the thin material of his boxers. I move my hands back to him, and slowly start to pull down his boxers. I don't remove them entirely, but displace them enough to allow Peeta to spring free.
It's the first time I've actually seen him. I've touched him before plenty of times, but he's always been hidden under fabric. I am utterly enthralled and hypnotized, and I can't seem to take my eyes off of him.
I've seen naked men before; they were a common occurrence on the kitchen table in my house when I lived with my mom, it was just something I had to accept when living with a healer, no matter how much I tried to avoid the worst of it. I've never seen someone aroused like this, though. I feel a twisting in my lower stomach and a warmth pooling between my legs as I take him in. I'm not sure if I could ever grow tired of looking.
"You alright?" he asks me, laughing a little bit. I realize I've just been holding him in one hand and staring at him with a slack jaw for a couple moments. I blush a little bit.
"Yeah, sorry," I mutter. "You're just...wow." That's all I can get out, that pathetic and embarrassing response. He starts laughing at me a little bit.
"You're adorable," he tells me.
I don't want to be adorable right now. I want to take control and make him beg for more. Without a word, I wrap my hand around the base of his shaft, and he shuts up pretty quickly. His focus turns to his breathing, trying not to let it get out of control too quickly.
I run my hand up and down his length. He groans as I pick up speed. When a small amount of white fluid starts to come out of his tip, I rub my thumb in small circles around his tip before taking some of his wetness and spreading it up and down his length as I go back to pumping him. His eyes roll back in his head a little bit. I feel his muscles starting to go tense.
"Oh my - fuck, Katniss," he's incoherent but the sounds that are coming out of his mouth are incredible to me. He curses one more time as he releases, coating my hand and some of my stomach in his cum. Once his breathing settles a little more, he plants his lips firmly on mine.
"That was amazing," he mutters into my mouth. He takes the bedsheet and wipes my hand and stomach clean before returning his focus to my lips. He's hovering over me as he kisses my lips, my cheeks, my jaw, my neck, my collar bone. He stops here for a moment.
"Can I take this off?" he asks, gesturing toward my bra.
"Yes," I say without hesitation. I lean forward a little to allow him access to the clasp. He fumbles around with the hooks, and he laughs a little embarrassedly. I reach back to help guide his hands, and soon after he manages to release the clasp. He pulls the black bra off of me, throws it to the side, and takes me in.
I haven't been bare chested in front of him before, and I feel slightly self conscious. I know I'm nothing special in this domain as compared to other girls. I've known that since school, since gym class and locker rooms. It's never bothered me that much, but now I wish I had a little more to offer him. When I look up at his face, though, his expression is unbelievable.
"You're so beautiful," he says. I roll my eyes at him.
"I'm not," I mutter. He shakes his head.
"You are the most incredible thing I've ever seen," he mutters, before bringing his hand to cover one of my breasts. He squeezes gently and palms my nipple. I moan slightly, but the sound becomes a whole lot louder when he brings his mouth down to my other breast. I arch my chest forward at the contact. He sucks on the mound and plays with my nipple with his tongue, all the while still massaging my other breast with his hand. After a few minutes, he switches his mouth to the other breast and brings his hand up to the one he had just been sucking on.
"Oh my God, Peeta," I moan. He gets charged up when I say his name, I can tell. He moves his mouth to the space between my breasts, and starts planting a trail of kisses down from there to my belly, where he pauses. I look up at him, confused. I don't want him to stop.
"What is it?" I ask.
"Can I...can I taste you, Katniss?" he asks, a little bit of a smirk reaching the corner of his mouth. Now I'm just more confused.
"Haven't you been doing that for the last 10 minutes?" I ask him. He moves his head back up my body a little at that, planting a kiss right below my breasts.
"That's alright, I won't do it if you don't want to," he says, starting to kiss my chest again. I stop him.
"I just don't know what you mean," I say. I'm being genuine. I don't know what he's asking, or what he thinks I'm refusing, that's any different from what we're already doing. He looks up at me, and his expression changes a little bit when he sees that my expression is entirely genuine.
"Oh, you actually don't..." he says, trailing off. I'm annoyed. This isn't the first time my inexperience has made me feel stupid. I know Peeta hasn't done anything like this before either, but having older brother's he was always more aware of it than I was.
"Do you trust me, Katniss?" he asks.
"Of course," I say, nodding. He begins trailing kisses down lower and lower again.
"Just tell me to stop at any time if you're uncomfortable," he says, as he plants a kiss right above the waistline of my panties. Slowly, he pulls the piece of fabric down my legs and discards it. His head is between my thighs now.
"What are you doing?" I ask.
"Tasting you," he says, and that's the last thing I fully process before my mind and all my senses are completely overwhelmed by the unbelievable feeling of his mouth on me.
His mouth is open and he runs his tongue up and down my folds. I cry out in pleasure at the contact, and I can feel him smile a little bit against me. My knees bend and my legs pull back automatically, and he wraps one of his hands around each of my thighs to keep them still and in place as he works.
He continues these same sorts of motions for a few minutes before experimentally sticking his tongue further inside me. I think I'm whimpering now, I honestly don't even know. My hands search for something to ground me to reality and end up knotted in Peeta's curls.
He moves his tongue back to my folds after a few minutes, and then he hits a spot that makes me scream far louder than I intend to, the same spot he had found with his fingers that first time by the lake. He starts focussing on it, first lapping at it and applying pressure with his tongue, and then moving to suck it into his mouth. The feeling of his warm, wet lips there is almost too much. Every single nerve ending in my body feels like it's on fire, but in such a good way it doesn't feel possible.
"Peeta, Peeta, Peeta," I mutter, my voice high pitched and breathy. I'm panting and moaning and building until finally I'm pushed over the edge. I cry out as I finish, and my vision floods with gold specks. I genuinely think that was the best physical sensation I have ever had in my life.
It takes me a few minutes before my vision returns to normal again, at which point I see him lift his head up. He has such a smug and triumphant smile on his face. I realize it's kind of similar to the face he makes when I react particularly well to his cooking, and I want to roll my eyes at him but I don't have the capability.
"That was good?" he asks, with more confidence than he has before when he's done things to me with his hands. I can't speak still, so I nod.
He laughs and crawls up the bed so he's next to me. He plants a kiss on my lips and I realize I taste myself. I don't even know how to begin to process everything that just happened. All I know is that I'm very, very happy.