My body wakes me up early the next morning, but it's a peaceful start to the day. I had no nightmares last night, which is a relative miracle considering what the day holds. I know I owe Peeta for that. He's still asleep, lying on his stomach with his head turned to face me on the pillow. It's rare that I wake up before him, because he usually starts baking early in the morning, so I relish the opportunity to just look at him in this peaceful state. I don't move but rather just stare at him, watching the rise and fall of his back as he breathes and the way the early morning light filters in through the open window and illuminates his blonde eyelashes. I could never get tired of looking.
After about 10 or so minutes like this, he seems to feel my gaze on him because he starts to stirr. He blinks his eyes open and gives a sleepy little smile when they focus on me.
"Morning," I whisper.
"Good morning," he says, his voice deep and groggy with sleep. I love the sound of his voice in the morning. He reaches out his hand to draw lazy patterns on my still bare hip, and frankly all I want to do is climb on top of him and feel him inside of me. I want to be with him, alone, as one. I want to hide from the world with him. But we aren't allowed that today.
"I don't want to do this day," I mutter, the feeling of peace that I woke up with starting to ebb away as I wake up more and fully conceptualize what's in store. "I just want to be with you." He brings his hand up to my cheek and holds it there.
"I'm not leaving you," he says softly. "Not once if I can help it. I don't want to do this either, but if we have to do it we will be doing it together." I nod and bring him in for a slow and gentle kiss.
"I guess we should get up," I murmur into his lips. He gives an overdrawn sigh, which makes me laugh a little.
"If we must," he says.
We dress quickly and make our way to the dining car. When we get there, Annie is the only person already seated. She's eating a plate of eggs and drinking a cup of tea with a somewhat panicked expression on her face.
"Good morning, Annie," Peeta says, taking the seat next to her. I sit down on his other side and grab the pot of coffee, before I realize that I don't think I can stomach it this morning. I'm starting to feel my anxiety physically, and although I want the caffeine boost the thought of actually drinking it makes my stomach hurt. I turn instead for the pot of hot water and pour myself a mug of tea that should hopefully settle my stomach and my nerves, at least a little.
"Good morning," Annie says, distractedly. She definitely doesn't have the same, happy air about her that she did last night, but I don't blame her. We're in similar positions, actually. The two of us are each returning to the place where we lost the person who was most important to us. We're both terrified.
"I'm scared too, Annie," I say, and she turns her head to me. "Of seeing, you know...where they died. I'm scared too, if...if that helps." I think my offer of comfort is rather lame, but Annie's face adopts a small, sweet smile, and Peeta kisses my cheek. Hopefully I've done something right. Peeta starts making simple conversation with Annie, I think in an effort to keep her grounded in a sense of normalcy. I butter a piece of toast, knowing that I can't tolerate much more on my stomach right now. Soon enough Johanna comes clambering into the room, intentionally knocking over a coat rack on her way.
"Ready to go back into hell?" she asks the table at large as she sits down in the chair across from me. No one really responds to her, which causes her to roll her eyes and grab the pot of coffee.
"So," she says to me, rather quietly for her standards, as she pours herself a cup of coffee and starts drinking it without milk or sugar. "Did you and Peeta enjoy yourselves last night?" I feel my cheeks start to burn instantly. Peeta doesn't seem to have heard her, as he's engaged in his conversation with Annie, so I have to deal with the awkwardness of this question alone.
"I - we..." I fumble. She snorts and I know my denials are useless. "Were we that loud?" I ask despite myself. "We were trying to keep quiet." Johanna cackles.
"No, brainless, but I see now why you're so shit at poker," she says. I look at her questioningly. "I was bluffing, moron. I was hoping if I asked you would break, and I was right. I didn't hear shit, but your face gives you away before your mouth even gets the chance to fail you." I feel my face flush again as she takes another sip of her coffee with a very satisfied expression on her face. I'm trying to come up with some sort of comeback when Haymitch walks in and takes the seat next to her.
"I just got off the phone with Effie," he says to everyone. We all look to him, knowing Effie must have given some sort of instructions about what we're in for. "She says we'll be in 2 in about an hour, and then in the Capitol another two hours or so after that. She's coming to meet us at the station, and then bringing us to the hall where we'll eat and get ready before the panel thing tonight."
"Did she say anything about what to expect at that panel?" Peeta asks. Haymitch shrugs.
"Sorta. She said it's not likely to get too personal, because they'll want to hear from all of us, and in addition to those of us here right now there's also gonna be Beetee, Gale, Pollux, and Cressida, so there just isn't a lot of time per person. I think it'll be more of basics about life post-war, all that shit. Bigger interviews are tomorrow, that's when they're gonna try to pry." I feel my chest start to hurt with anxiety, both at the mention of the interviews and at the mention of Gale's name. I'm seeing him soon, far too soon. I don't think I'm ready.
During the hour it takes to make our way to 2, we all stay around the table in the dining car. Johanna seems to be coping with all of this by increasing the scope of her already intensely sarcastic sense of humor, commenting on everything and making fun of everyone. She manages to keep Peeta and Haymitch occupied with her back and forth, while both Annie and I sit silently and watch them. I don't eat much more than a few bites of my toast, but I sip my tea consistently throughout. Though he talks and chats with Johanna and Haymitch, Peeta's hand never leaves mine. I make circles on the heel of his hand with my thumb, letting myself focus on memorizing the pattern of lines and burns and scars. It helps keep me here.
When the train starts slowing as we near the station in 2, I feel my breathing and my heart rate getting faster and faster.
"You're ok," Peeta whispers, turning to me and stroking my hair soothingly. "I'm right here. Do you want to go somewhere private?" I shake my head. The others might be looking at me, but I don't really care. They all know what this is. They've all been here, in one way or another. And as much as I don't want to see Gale, I want to appear as put together and unphased as I possibly can when it happens. That can't happen if I hide away in a closet somewhere.
"No," I say, taking deep breaths to try to calm myself down. "No, I...I'm fine." Peeta squeezes my hand.
"Sounds good," he says. "Just let me know whatever you need." I nod, immensely grateful to have him by my side. As we pull to a stop, I try to remind myself that Gale, no matter how much pain he has caused me and how unforgivable of an act he is responsible for, was my best friend for years, and that he never intended to hurt Prim in any way. It doesn't make up for it, not even close. But I need to at least try to remember that he's not out to hurt me, and that even if he doesn't fully conceptualize his responsibility in the way that he needs to, he's at least indicated some modicum of regret.
My grip in Peeta's hand becomes tighter, to the point where I imagine it would be uncomfortable for him, when the door opens. The first person in is Beetee. He's still in a wheelchair, so they've attacked some sort of temporary lift to the outside of the train for him to get on. On some seemingly universal instinct, we all get up to greet him in the doorway.
"Hello all," Beetee says, looking genuinely pretty pleased. "It's so nice to see everyone again." He's never been one for exuberant joy, but he does seem to be telling the truth. I'm anxious around him, but I don't completely recoil. It may not be fair, but I don't blame him as much as I do Gale, because even though it was Beetee's technology, the whole thing was Gale's idea. Still, I'm not exactly comfortable.
"How's life been now that you've upgraded to 2?" Johanna asks.
"Oh well life has been very good here for me. Busy, but I enjoy busy. I've been working in continued weapons and defense technology development, as you may know, and the work has been quite rewarding. I'm glad to have found the opportunity to continue my passion, under better circumstances than an all out war." Johanna chuckles at that. We're all about to move away from the door and back further into the compartment when a tall, dark haired figure I know all too well appears in the doorway. Gale looks a little taken aback when he sees us all gathered around together, but he recovers quickly.
"Hi everyone!" he says, putting on at the very least a good show of excitement. "How has everyone been?" Once again, Johanna is the first to speak.
"Oh everything is just fine and dandy. What about yourself, pretty boy?" He laughs at her comment and she starts leading the group back towards the dining car. I try to walk quickly, so as to avoid looking at Gale directly until we're in a more formalized group setting, but Peeta, being his kind self, has offered to carry Beetee's bag for him, and in the moment we pause for him to pick it up Gale grabs my arm.
"Hey Catnip," he says, with a smile on his face that somehow looks both very wide and very nervous. I think he's genuinely happy to see me, but he knows I'm not without my reservations. Our one phone call didn't end particularly well for him.
"Hi Gale," I say, my voice neutral and unemotive. There's a strange moment in which he seems to try to step forward to hug me, but my body recoils automatically and he seems to recognize it, so he stops mid movement. It's awkward, which isn't surprising I suppose. Peeta's back by my side the minute he notices Gale's sidelined me.
"Hey Gale," he says amiably, reaching out his hand to shake Gale's. Gale takes it, although he seems very surprised when he looks at Peeta, studying him up and down with his eyes.
"Hey," he says. "You - uh - you look a lot different than the last time I saw you." Peeta chuckles politely.
"I'd like to think so too," he says. "Everything's a process, you know, but I'm doing a lot better."
"Glad to hear it," Gale says. It doesn't sound like he's lying, exactly. I know that no matter how much Gale dislikes Peeta, he doesn't want him living how he was when he first got back to 13 after the hijacking. I think it's just that Gale seems unconvinced, like he doesn't believe it's possible for Peeta to seem so normal now after he was so far gone. I guess it's not an entirely unreasonable assumption. The last time they saw each other was when I killed Coin. If I saw Peeta then, and then Peeta today with no context of what happened in between, I might be a little taken aback too. But I don't like the way Gale seems to keep studying Peeta. It's almost like he's trying to catch him in a lie.
In an instinctual act of defense, I weave my fingers together with Peeta's. I see Gale's eyes travel from Peeta's face to our joined hands. I don't like the way he's studying that either. I owe him absolutely nothing and he gets no say in any relationship I might have, but I also don't have any interest in hiding it. Whatever feelings I had for Peeta after the Games were hard enough to figure out as it was, given the pressures from Snow and the threat to my family and my own utter emotional incompetence, but it was only further complicated by this feeling that I had to worry about what Gale would think about anything I did with Peeta. I'm not thinking like that anymore.
"Should we head on back?" Peeta asks, gesturing towards the dining car, as we're still standing awkwardly by the door even though the train has long since started moving again. I nod and Gale follows suit.
"Sure," he says. To my disappointment, people seem to have dispersed a little bit, which doesn't help me. I was hoping if there was one big group conversation going on I could just zone out and wouldn't have to talk to Gale much, but that's not the case right now. Johanna is talking animatedly to Annie in the hallway while Haymitch and Beetee chat in the dining car. I'm about to suggest we join one of these conversations when Gale speaks up.
"Wanna sit down in here?" he says, indicating the lounge car. Unable to think of a reasonable excuse I just nod and follow him in. Peeta doesn't hesitate to stick with me, our hands still locked together, even though I'm sure Gale doesn't really mean for him to come along or be a part of this conversation. We all sit down on the sectional couch in the lounge car and it's awkward. There isn't really another word to describe the weird, stiff silence, or the air that seems filled with so many things that none of us want to say.
"So, how've you been?" Gale asks. "How's 12?" I sigh. I know I have to talk to him, at least to some extent. It's a reasonable question, and unless I want to actually confront him about Prim - which I absolutely cannot handle right now - I should at least be polite and make small talk.
"Things have been good," I say. "The district is finally close to recovered from the bombings, and everyone seems to be pretty happy. We just opened up the medicine factory and had the Harvest Festival a couple weeks ago, which was nice. They've made a new market and people have opened shops again. Peeta reopened the bakery. Life feels...good." Gale seems pleased, both that I've talked and to hear that things are good in 12.
"That's...that's great," he says, nodding. "I talk to Thom over the phone sometimes, he said things were going really well. I'm happy for you all." I give a small, tight lipped smile, although I still don't like how much he distinguishes himself from 12 when he talks nowadays.
"How's 2, Gale?" Peeta asks. Gale looks a little taken aback, as if he'd forgotten Peeta was here.
"Oh, it's great," he says. "I love the work, I love the landscape, I love the people. Really, I've been very happy here." Peeta smiles at this and I guess I do too. I don't want Gale to be unhappy, or at least I don't think I do. My internal feelings about him are always this strange, confused battle between years of trust and friendship and an unforgivable act of betrayal. I don't know how to reconcile it all, and it makes it hard to know what to feel.
The three of us talk idly for a bit, and it's awkward but not horrible. I manage to get Gale talking about how his family is doing, which is good because I genuinely care about them like to know that they're doing well. I'm especially happy when he talks about Hazelle's community and Posy's love of the park by their house. Hazelle was in many ways more of a mom to me than my own mother was, and I couldn't help but love Posy. Gale talks about them for a while, which is also good because it saves me from talking. In the middle of a story about teaching Rory and Vick how to hunt, Johanna ducks her head into the room.
"Peeta!" she calls. "C'mere. I need you to settle something between me and Annie." Peeta looks confused and concerned, and his grip on my hand tightens.
"Uh, not right now Johanna," he says, glancing between me and Gale. "I think I should stay here. Maybe ask Haymitch?" Johanna groans.
"Haymitch isn't gonna help us figure out which peacekeeper it was who had that electric club thing. Annie thinks it's that tall guy, but I swear it was the fat one. But then there was also the one with the beard..." she trails off, apparently lost in thought.
"Bold of you to assume I'm gonna be of any help," Peeta says with a little laugh in his voice. "My memory of that time is worse than either or yours." Johanna cackles at this.
"Just come on!" she moans. Peeta looks uncomfortable. I can tell he doesn't want to make it obvious he won't leave me because he doesn't want to make it clear to Gale how much I depend on him.
"It's fine," I say to Peeta, for a reason I'm not entirely sure of. I think I want to know I can do this, can talk to him alone, so I don't have to do it again. If I don't try I'll feel weak. "Go ahead."
"You sure?" Peeta asks, giving me a meaningful look. I nod. "Ok," he says, giving me a kiss on the forehead before following a gleeful Johanna out of the room. Gale clears his throat and stares at his hands.
"So..." he says after a few moments of silence. I know instantly where he will be leading this conversation, and I honestly want to roll my eyes at the predictability of it all. "You and him are...?"
"Yeah," I say.
"Is it for real this time, or just for the weekend in the Capitol?" he asks. I'm angry he would even think that was a possibility at this point, that we'd put on a show like that again.
"It's real," I say, my anger reading in my voice. "No more acting."
"Cool, cool," Gale says, trying to keep his voice casual. "When, uh...how long ago?" I actually have to pause to think about the question. Peeta and I never really took on an official "anniversary" date. He never formally asked me out either, which is good because I would have hated that. After everything we've been through it would have felt far too forced and unnecessary. We just sort of realized we both felt the same way and let things unfold.
"Uh, I guess it started back in April?" I say, thinking back to the first time we kissed the night after visiting the ruined bakery. That somehow feels like so long ago and just yesterday at the same time.
"Oh, a while ago then," Gale says, pushing his hair back off his forehead with his hand. I don't respond. I regret letting Peeta leave and I don't want to talk about this anymore. It feels like some weird sort of interrogation. Gale looks preoccupied, like he's worried or angry about something. "Katniss, I don't like..." he starts and then trails off, seemingly unsure of how to phrase what he wants to say. "Is he...safe? To be around you?"
The anger within me is far more intense now. Objectively I'm being a little unfair to Gale here; he hasn't seen Peeta in months and Peeta has recovered astronomically in that time. Gale doesn't know all the work he's done. Still, I don't like that Gale doubts Peeta, or that he doubts my judgement and ability to make this sort of decision for myself. This is just a more intense manifestation of one of the problems I've always had with Gale; we're both stubborn, but he gets stuck in his assumptions that he just knows what's right all the time. Seeing him like this, in a situation where he really knows nothing, is infuriating to me.
"Of course he is," I say bitterly. "Do you really think I'd have been with him this long if he wasn't? Do you really think he would have ever let himself get near me if he didn't think he could control it? You have no idea how hard he's worked, how much better he is. You don't know what life has been like for him, or for me, so if you want to be around me you have to trust that we know what we're doing." I'm not yelling but my tone of voice is very obviously angry, and as if to prove the point further I cross my arms in front of my chest.
"Of course I trust you, Catnip," Gale says in a voice that is clearly trying to calm me while still getting his point across. That seems to me to be a pretty damn unlikely possibility. "I just...I know how loyal you are to people. I don't want you to put yourself in any sort of bad situation because you feel some sort of obligation -" I cut him off because I can't stand to hear him.
"That's not what this is, Gale!" I say, in the same controlled yet insistent tone as before. "I'm not with him out of some sort of perceived debt. In fact, if I was trying to repay some sort of debt to him the best thing I could do would probably be to leave him alone, because I've put him through hell and he's spent so much of his life helping and taking care of me. We're together because...because it's right. For both of us." I struggle to come up with a better word, even though I know there must be one. "Just watch him this weekend and you'll see what I mean."
"So you mean to tell me that I won't see him go all out of his mind because of some sound or building this weekend?" Gale says, his voice now elevated a little bit. I feel myself boiling over with rage.
"No, I'm not telling you that!" I say, my voice rising to match his. "You probably will see him flash, but you just don't have any idea what that means, Gale! You don't understand how much more control he keeps when he flashes now, and how much I am certain he will never hurt me. You also don't understand how ridiculously unfair it is of you to expect him to just...to just be perfect, as if he was never tortured, in order for me to be around him. That just isn't possible."
"Apparently I don't understand, Katniss, because it's not that long ago I saw him kill someone because he was trying to kill you," Gale snaps. "I don't understand how you could possibly want to be with him, or even just feel safe around him, after that."
"If you knew how much he loathed every inch of himself for doing that, you'd shut the hell up," I say, my voice now quiet but infinitely more venomous than before. I won't let him do this to Peeta. "You just don't get it Gale. I don't need to be away from him, I need to be with him. I'm with him because I need him, and he needs me. Because we understand each other. Because I trust him and he makes me laugh and we know how to help each other in ways that nobody else does..." I'm sort of rambling and I usually would not share these internal thoughts with someone like Gale, as it feels far more emotionally honest than I'm comfortable with, but I just want him to understand, and to stop seeing Peeta as something he completely and utterly isn't.
"...because I know what happy feels like when I'm with him. Or because even at my lowest points I know that I'll feel at least a little bit better if he's here with me. Because...because I love him."
I have to look down at my hands when I say the last three words. I'm not ashamed at all in how I feel; I would defend it to the ends of the earth. I just don't like providing anyone I don't fully trust with information like this that can be used against me. It makes me too nervous. But he needs to know.
Gale doesn't say anything for a few moments, and eventually I look up at his face. He seems deeply hurt, and that just makes me angry because whatever he's thinking it is so obviously outside of the point of what I need him to understand. If he's really upset that after all this time and after everything he did I'm not still harboring some sort of long-suppressed love for him, he's the one who's out of his mind.
"I..." he starts. "I didn't know that."
"Yeah, it appears you and the girl were the last two to pick up on it," I hear a voice say, and I turn around to see Haymitch standing in the doorway. "You two need to stop with the yelling. Between your voices and the ones in her head, Annie's not doing too well."
"Shit," I say, immediately realizing the mistake we've made. Annie gets set off by confrontation and raised voices very easily. I don't think I realized that we could be heard, but it should have been obvious. Without another word to Gale, I set off towards the hallway where I last saw Annie, and Haymitch follows on my heel. When I get there I see that his description was an understatement; this makes whatever she went through last night at dinner look like nothing.
Annie is sobbing silently, her mouth wide open in a twisted expression of pain, but her eyes squeezed so tightly shut I don't know how the tears are coming out. Her hands are over her ears and she's hitting them against the side of her head so hard that it must be painful. Peeta takes her arms in his hands and tries to pry her away from hitting herself, but I can tell he's nervous of yanking her too hard and making things worse. All of the muscles in this small woman's body seem to be engaged to keep doing whatever it is she's doing. Johanna looks more concerned than I've maybe ever seen her. She has a hand on Annie's thigh and is trying to calm her down.
"Annie, Annie, Annie," Johanna mutters under her breath. Peeta and Johanna both look terrified, and I have to guess that they've seen her like this before and it doesn't typically end well. Annie's mouth widens even further, and a heartbreakingly frightened, high pitched scream starts ringing through the room.
"How long has she been like this?" I ask the room.
"Maybe 5 minutes," Peeta says. "It didn't start quite so bad but I haven't seen her like this since..." he doesn't finish but he doesn't have to. Since they were imprisoned in the Capitol. I try to wrack my mind for any little thing I ever saw Finnick do to calm her down, but the issue is it wasn't what he did that worked, it was him. He would hold her and comfort her and tell her she was ok, and she would believe him. We can tell her all we want but it won't be the same. I understand that. In a way, it's the same with me and Peeta. He can calm me in ways I have never allowed anyone else to. He worked his way into my life when I was at my lowest and I just wanted to be left alone to wither away. I don't think anyone else could have done that.
"Annie," I murmur, kneeling down in front of her next to Peeta. "Annie, if you can hear me, I'm so sorry I was yelling. It was stupid and careless and I should have known better. You're safe, I can promise you that you're safe. And Finn is safe, if you are worried about him." My words don't seem to be having much of an effect, which shouldn't surprise me. I'm sure Peeta's already tried this sort of method, and if he couldn't get through to her with his words there's no way I can.
"I'd imagine that there are some assorted medical supplies on board," Beetee says. "They might have some sort of anti-anxiety medication or sedative. I'll go look." Beetee wheels off down the hall. Although I'm sure she must be stopping for small moments to breathe, it seems like Annie's scream is unceasing.
"What can we do?" Gale asks. I didn't pay attention to whether or not he came in, but I guess he must have followed me because he's standing up against the wall.
"I...I don't know," I mutter. "Finnick was the only one..." I trail off as a thought hits me. "Peeta," I say. He looks up at me, his hands still trying to stop Annie's from hitting her ears.
"Yeah?"
"At dinner, last night, the voice she heard was Finnick, and it made her happy. I don't know who she's hearing now, but maybe we could...I don't know. If we talk to her enough about him, or about the things they used to like to do together, maybe we could change it? It should be you, you're the best with words."
"Do you think that would work?" he asks.
"I don't know," I reply. "I -" Johanna cuts me off.
"I think it's damn better than doing nothing, which is pretty much our only other option. Go." Peeta nods and takes a deep breath before starting.
"Annie, if you can hear me, you should know how much Finnick loved you, and how much he would want you to be as happy and as fulfilled as you can be. When we were stuck in the Capitol, I know from Katniss that he missed you so much. He was an incredibly brave and loyal person. I owe him my life, literally. I would have died on the first day of the Quell if it wasn't for him. I wish I'd gotten to know him better, because during our time together in 13 I was so...gone. I wasn't me. But I saw enough to know that he loved you, in the way he looked at you when you danced at your wedding or how happy the expression on his face would get when he just so much as held your hand. You can carry him with you like that, Annie. You can hear his laughter and his words of comfort in your head. You can see his eyes and his smile in your son. You can tell us all stories about him and keep him with us. It's not as good as him being here, I won't lie to you. But you can do it, and no one else can."
Peeta looks nervous, evidently unsure of if he's done enough. I think I start to notice the changes in Annie's physicality a little more quickly than anyone else. I don't know if it's because I've seen my mother deal with panicked patients and their family members, or if it's from watching Peeta recover from his flashes, or if it's from my own experience with nightmares and breakdowns, but I recognize what I see in front of me. Before she makes any real movements, I can see her muscles start to unclench. Whereas every sinew in her body seemed to be enforcing her position before, the hold whatever voices in her head had on her seems to be weakening. I think Peeta picks up on it, because soon he gently lowers her arms down away from her head, and she doesn't fight him. Johanna takes Annie's head between her hands, covering her ears to help her but in a much gentler fashion, and tries to coax her into opening her eyes.
"Come on, you can do it," she breathes. Annie's eyes are thrown open, more quickly than I would have expected. She looks confused for a moment, and then embarrassed as she realizes what must have happened.
"I'm sorry," she squeaks in a small voice, staring down at her lap.
"Don't be," Haymitch says immediately. "You're not gonna be the only one who's gonna have something like this happen this weekend." Johanna and I both nod.
"We're all gonna need help at some point or another," Peeta says kindly. "And we'll all be here for each other. We're family." Annie nods. She's a little shaky but seems otherwise unharmed and mostly normal. She just sits leaning against the wall for a few minutes, focussing on her breathing. When Beetee returns he offers her an anti-anxiety pill, which she accepts. Everyone in our group seems to finally be breathing again.
"You're a genius," Peeta says to me. "I don't know what we would have done if you hadn't thought of that." I shake my head.
"No, it's your doing. I would never have been able to say all those things so well. We needed you." He kisses my cheek.
"I guess we're a good team," he says with a small smile. I chuckle a bit.
"Well, we were allies for a reason," I say, smirking. He laughs at me and rolls his eyes.
"You two are gross," Johanna calls from her place on the floor. I am about to laugh, but then I feel the train starting to slow down. In all of the chaos with Annie I hadn't really looked out the windows or kept track of time, but we're almost there. Almost at the Capitol.
All the lightness from a minute ago is gone, and I'm scared. I'm more than scared. I'm terrified. My heartbeat quickens and I get that same feeling of a cage around my heart that I hate so much. Most concerning to me, I see my mind begin to conjure up that same blank canvas that was once so familiar to me, but that hasn't plagued me in a while. The one that means I am close to becoming lost inside myself. I don't want to be that way again.
"Peeta," I say, my voice a little choked.
"I'm here," he says immediately, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind me. I let myself lean back into his chest and try to just synchronize my breathing to the beat of his heart which, while maybe a little elevated, is much steadier than my own. He has always been my steadiness, my warmth.
"You kids are gonna be fine," Haymitch murmurs, which I wasn't expecting. "You've lived through worse. And you've got a whole team behind you now." I nod shakily. It's hard to believe him when I feel so panicked, but he is objectively right in every way. This is not impossible. Peeta and I have each other. We have our mentor. We have allies.
It is with those thoughts in mind that I am able to firmly plant my feet as the train pulls to a stop in the Capitol.