The first thing I process when I wake up the next morning is the dull, painful aching in my head. It seems to surround my entire brain in a way I am very unfamiliar with. The second thing I process is the sound of Peeta retching in the other room. It takes only a matter of seconds for my body to wake up enough to realize that is exactly where I'm headed too, so I stumble out of bed and into the bathroom as quickly as I can, falling in front of the toilet just in time for all of the food and liquor from last night to make a reappearance. I cough and heave for several minutes before I'm confident that there is nothing else left in my stomach, at which point I groan and lean my head back against the wall.
"Good morning," Peeta mumbles, his voice hoarse. I only now process that he has been on the floor next to me the entire time, having just finished vomiting as I started.
"Oh my God I feel horrible," I murmur. "I can't remember the last time I felt this horrible."
"I'm right there with you," he says, attempting a laugh but not really succeeding at it. I just give a sort of grunt in response, repositioning myself to lay down on the bathroom floor. The coolness of the tile feels nice against my exposed skin. Peeta joins me laying down and sighs.
"I don't think we're cut out for this," he says, and I shake my head vigorously before instantly regretting it, as the dull ache turns into more of a searing pain.
"No," I mutter, scrunching up my eyes against the ceiling light that seems far too bright. We both just lay on the floor for several minutes, I'm not entirely sure how long. I feel deeply disgusting. I want to take a shower, but I'm not convinced I can get up right now.
"How long have you been up?" I ask Peeta eventually. He shrugs his shoulders against the floor.
"Not long. Only maybe five or ten minutes longer than you. I just woke up and immediately knew I was in for it and ran over here." He sighs. "I wouldn't say it was a particularly fun start to the morning." I laugh weekly at that.
"Definitely not," I say, adjusting slightly so I'm leaning my head up against his shoulder. I'm deeply exhausted, and now that the nausea has at least temporarily subsided, I'd really like to go back to sleep. I think the bathroom floor seems to be as good a place as any to rest; the cold feels nice, and then at least I don't have to move. I close my eyes, but am interrupted far too quickly by a slamming on the door.
"Ah!" I groan, holding a hand to my head. Peeta's face is scrunched up in pain.
"Too loud..." he mumbles.
"Time to get up!" Haymitch calls through the door, far louder than I have any tolerance for this morning. "Be at breakfast in 15 minutes!" I hear him shuffle away and I moan into the floor.
"Oh God, I gotta get clean," I mumble. Peeta nods, and it is with a great deal of effort that we manage to peel ourselves off the floor. I stumble into the shower, and Peeta spends the entire time that I'm in there brushing his teeth over and over again.
When I'm done we both through on clothes without looking at them and head out towards the dining room. I don't even brush or braid my hair, I just leave it down on my back, tangled and wet. I know Flavius will have a fit but I just cannot care right now.
When we reach the dining room, I take in everyone's appearances and it is really a site to see. I think I would laugh if I didn't feel so goddamn awful right now. Haymitch looks the same as he usually does when he's drunk the night before: greasy and annoyed but not horribly disastrous. Johanna looks fairly similar, like she has a headache and could snap in an instant, but that isn't all that different from her norm.
Annie and Beetee look fine, they were both pretty much sober. It's Gale and Effie who are the most ridiculous, I think. Gale looks like he's trying his best to appear tough and unphased, but his normally olive skin is a pallid shade of green. His eyes keep flitting back and forth, like he's not even able to focus on anything. Effie looks, if possible, even more distressed than I know Peeta and I must. I don't even know when she drank last night - it must have been when we were back in the suite and I was too out of it to notice. But she looks as disheveled as I've ever seen her, and to make matters worse for her she's in her outfit from last night, revealing that she slept in Haymitch's room and never went home. None of us care, of course, but her cheeks seem to only grow redder and redder as the room fills up.
"Well you two look like shit," Johanna says bluntly, taking a sip of coffee. I shrug in acknowledgement and sit down. I think I'm hungry, but the whirling in my stomach is still too overwhelming to eat anything. Peeta seems to be in a similar state to me, as he takes a piece of toast, butters it, takes a bite, and then immediately sets it back down, looking green and full of regret.
"You're both dehydrated," Haymitch says. "Drink water." Peeta nods and pours glasses for the both of us. I chug mine fairly quickly before refilling it.
"And coffee will help with the headache and exhaustion, but only if you can stomach it," Johanna says. As much as I would love those two particular symptoms to go away, my overwhelming focus at the moment is just not throwing up again, so it's not worth the risk. I just sip water and, after a while, nibble crumbs of some simple flaky pastry.
"Okay," Effie says after about a half an hour, her voice much weaker than normal. "You all should head down to prep in a couple of minutes. Then you'll have that last event of the trip - an early luncheon with government officials and other highly involved individuals. All you'll be expected to do is chat, schmooze, and eat...well, if you can. Your bags will be packed and loaded onto the train for you, and I have arranged transit for all of you to District 4." I
blink. It takes me a minute to remember what she's talking about, and then my and Annie's propositions from last night come back to me. It was an idea proposed under the influence of liquor, but I surprisingly haven't soured on it as I've sobered up. I genuinely do like the idea of spending more time with these people, especially if it can be done with distance from the Capitol and its formalities. Plus, I've been wanting to meet Finn and see the ocean again anyway. We all nod and thank Effie before heading back to prep.
As I suspected, my prep team is horrified at the state they find me in when I enter the room.
"God, Katniss, your hair!" Flavius moans, running a finger through the tangled tresses and looking panicked.
"And the bags under your eyes..." Octavia moans. "What on earth happened?" I give them some empty, deceitful platitude to try to stay away from the truth, but Venia gives me a knowing look.
"I can grab you some ginger tea, if you'd like to sip some while we get you ready," she says. "Should help settle the stomach." I take her up on the offer very gratefully, drinking the tea as they prep my hair, makeup, and outfit. I let them take complete autonomy on today's look, not having any energy to care. I end up in a brown turtleneck dress made of a warm material, which I'm fairly content with because the dress is loose and I'm pretty sure that anything with a tight waistband would not do well for me right now.
I'm about to leave the prep room with Johanna and Annie when I realize that this will be the last time I see my prep team this trip. I pause in the doorway, and my team looks up from cleaning up their space to ask if I needed anything.
"I just...wanted to say thank you," I get out. "For taking care of me, us, this trip and before. I have a lot of respect for all of you, and I'll miss you. I hope that everything goes well." My words are awkward but they don't seem to care. My prep team embraces me in a hug, eyes watery with tears and words of well wishes in all of their mouths. I hug them back and say goodbye one last time before heading out the door.
The luncheon is painless enough, considering the baseline of pain enveloping my whole being. I genuinely have no idea how Haymitch does this so much. I've only gotten drunk like this twice in my life - last night and the night they announced the Quell - and both times I was miserable the day after. I don't know how anyone could do it as much as he does.
Other than the feeling in my head and stomach, it all isn't horrible, considering the situation. A lot of the people here are from various governmental agencies, and I chat a good deal with a woman from the Bureau for Drug Administration about our work at the medicine factory in 12. It's really not too bad, and I think if I wasn't hung over I would have a generally positive view of the morning. No matter how good it is, though, I am so deeply ready to leave the Capitol, and incredibly excited to get on the train in just a matter of hours.
In the scheme of all of my fears, I guess this trip didn't go horribly. I had my fair share of anxiety-induced mishaps, but things could have gone worse. I'm immensely proud of Peeta for how well he did, only flashing once and not hurting himself. I'm proud of all my friends, actually. Haymitch, Johanna, Annie; they all faced something horrible this trip and got through it. We all did. I hope whatever our trip to 4 ends up being, it can be something of a well deserved reward for the progress we've all made. I am very proud of the members of my weird little family.
When the luncheon is over, Effie has a series of cars ready to take us back to the train station. We all opt not to walk this time, not wishing to face the painful spots along the way again. I end up in the backseat of a car, sandwiched between Peeta and Johanna.
"Not sad to leave this hell hole," she mutters, looking out the window. She looks a little pensive, and I'm not sure exactly what's on her mind.
"Same here," I say, giving her a small smile. She returns it weekly. "Are you ok, Johanna?" I ask her, looking a little concerned. Peeta's expression mirrors mine.
"Yeah," she says, a little too brusquely to be believable. "I'm fine, Brainless. Don't worry about me."
"Johanna..." Peeta says. "You can talk to us." She lets out a sigh, sounding more irritated than sad or anything else.
"I just...wish it didn't get to me," she says. There isn't a lot of emotion in her voice, but I can tell it's hard for her anyways. She's spent just as much of her life than I have putting up a front and refusing to let anyone in, maybe even more. Even the simplest admission of vulnerability is a lot to her. "I wish I didn't get bogged down by all this shit anymore. That's all."
"It got to all of us, Johanna," I say. "It was hard and exhausting for everyone. You aren't alone."
"I know that," she says, her voice steady but her eyes looking stressed and irritated. "I just...I feel like I should do better than this, you know?"
"Sometimes it's all any of us can do to just show up," Peeta says. "Getting up out of bed, going and facing whatever it is that we have to face, it's nowhere near as easy as it can seem, even to ourselves. Be gentle with yourself. I know it isn't in your nature, but try. Because you're strong, and you don't need to beat up on yourself for also being a human." She laughs a little at that.
"Alright, stupid. Alright," Johanna says, her face seeming to solidify back into its normal state of determination.
Not long after, we pull up in front of the train station and get out of the car. I see a train attendant loading up all of our bags from a different car. Haymitch, Effie, Gale, and Annie are all on the platform as well. Beetee said his farewells earlier, not coming to 4 because he has to return to work. Gale seemed to feel a little bad about leaving the bulk of the work to his partner, which at least makes me feel like a little bit of my old best friend is still in him. Right now it seems as if Haymitch and Effie are locked in a small argument, with Haymitch trying to get Effie to come with us to 4.
"It's two, three days top, princess," Haymitch says. "You can take time off." Effie looks genuinely sad, but she shakes her head.
"I wish, my love, I wish," she sighs wistfully. "Unfortunately there is always work to be done. But I am so deeply happy that, despite the circumstances, I got the chance to see all of you, my Victors!" Effie gives each of us a hug and Haymitch a kiss before departing. Peeta, Haymitch, Annie, Johanna, Gale, and I all board the train, and before long we are pulling away from the Capitol.
Haymitch grumbles at Effie's absence and immediately heads off to the bar car to pour himself a drink, while the rest of us settle into the lounge car. Apparently since we're going there directly, the trip to 4 is pretty short; it's about one in the afternoon now, and Effie said we should be in 4 by a little after dinner time.
With the exception of Haymitch's morose attitude towards leaving Effie, everyone seems to be in a pretty good mood. We're all utterly relieved to be leaving this place of hellish memories. I think even Gale, who goes to the Capitol for work pretty often and doesn't have the trauma of the Games associated with this city, seems perceptibly more relaxed now that the events of this weekend are over. He and Johanna are talking and teasing each other, and both seem to be able to have a good time. Annie is sitting quietly watching, but she looks calm and happy, which makes me happy for her. I can tell that she's looking forward to seeing her son again, and I'm excited too. I want to meet Finn, to see both him and a piece of his father in the process.
Overall, the mood on the train is light and generally very good. I sigh, leaning my back into Peeta's chest while we sit on the couch. He undoes my braid and runs his fingers through my hair, planting a kiss behind my ear.
"How are you doing?" he murmurs. The feeling of his hot breath against my neck makes me smile, and also sends a jolt of electricity and want down through my body.
"I'm good," I say, and for once I think I actually mean it. "I'm happy we're leaving, and I'm happy we're going to 4. It should be good, I think." He kisses me again, this time on my cheek.
"I'm glad, I think so too," he says. "I can't wait to meet Finn." My smile spreads further at that. Peeta loves kids, and I just know he'll be thrilled to have a baby to dote on and play with, even if just for a couple of days. No matter my reservation on the topic, I'm happy seeing Finn will be able to make him happy, and Annie too. It should be good for all of us.
"How are you feeling about seeing your mom?" Peeta asks. Very quickly I feel the peaceful, happy reverie come crashing down all around me. Somehow, my utterly stupid, exhausted, hungover brain had entirely forgotten that visiting Annie's home would mean visiting my mother. No matter what, it would feel wrong to visit 4 without seeing her, but she is the one taking care of Finn right now, so we'll be seeing her tonight. I won't have much time to mentally prepare, and she'll have even less. We'll all just kind of show up.
"God, I hadn't even thought about it," I say, somewhat disgusted with myself. I feel my breath quickening as the guilt sets in. "How was that not my first thought?"
"It's ok," Peeta says, rubbing my shoulder. "There's been a lot on your mind, and it's not like we've been at our most mentally acute today." I smile begrudgingly at that. "It's alright that it slipped your mind, don't worry."
"I guess," I say. "I still feel like I shouldn't have forgotten. Every aspect of our relationship is complicated, but I still feel bad that she slipped my mind. I..." I pause, struggling to find the right words to voice what I mean to say. "She's my mom. Even after everything...she deserves more than this."
Peeta's arms tighten their hold around me and I allow myself to sink into him, a little nervous and a little sad, and still very relieved to be leaving the Capitol. The mixture of emotions running through my head is confusing and nonsensical, but I don't have the energy to analyze it all right now. So instead I just allow myself to enjoy the feel of Peeta's embrace and the sound of Johanna berating Gale and Haymitch with insults. I enjoy my friends, despite it all.
The next couple hours proceed in pretty much the same manner. Haymitch is drunk again, far too quickly after our last bender for me to have any capability to comprehend it. Johanna teases him about it a little bit, but I know in reality that she understands his instincts better than any of us. I realize as I sit here that this is why our strange little family exists; we understand each other, and we help each other because of it. Even if we all want to believe we can live without other people taking care of us, none of us really can, and none of us let the others get away with isolating themselves. We take care of each other, whether we want to be taken care of or not, because we understand each other.
When the train begins to slow to a stop in 4, I feel my anxiety pique a little in my chest. I have somehow blocked out all thoughts of what I should say to my mother, my mind choosing to enjoy living in the moment rather than focus on the situation of the very near future, but now we are almost here and I feel woefully unprepared.
"You're gonna be ok," Peeta whispers into my ear. "I'll be with you for everything, whatever you need." I smile and kiss him on the cheek.
"I know you will," I say. "I love you." He looks at me with love in his eyes before planting his lips on mine. We stay joined together like this until the train comes to a complete halt and we have to start gathering our things.
The minute the train doors open, the difference in temperature is perceptible. It's December and it was freezing in the Capitol. I can only imagine it's snowing back at home in 12. But here it's beautiful. There is just no other way to describe it. The air in 4 is warm but not overly hot or humid. There's a nice breeze on which I can smell the saltiness of the sea, and I can hear waves crashing in the distance even from the train station. I can tell in an instant that I like it here very much.
"Let's go," Annie says with a small smile on her face. "Victor's Village is this way. It's not far, just maybe a ten minute walk." We all follow Annie as she leads us, Peeta offering to take her bag for her to free up her movements. We all chat casually as we walk. Even though the sky is mostly dark given the hour we arrived, it is still abundantly clear that beauty abounds in our surroundings, and I think it helps put all of us at ease. I certainly know for myself that it helps lessen my anxieties about seeing my mother.
"Fair warning, Annie," Johanna calls. "I'm raiding your pantry as soon as we get to your house." Haymitch nods in agreement. We had a lite dinner on the train, but not really enough to tide us over until morning.
"That's fine," Annie says with a smile. "There should be plenty."
"I'm happy to cook, if need be," Peeta offers.
"Ooh, that!" Johanna says. "I think it's frankly very rude that you've never baked for me before, Lover Boy," she adds, rounding on Peeta. He laughs.
"Oh forgive me, I should never have kept that little often in my cell all to myself," he jokes sarcastically, causing Johanna to burst out laughing.
Soon, we reach the front of the District 4 Victor's Village. It's located on an overlook above a sandy beach, and I'm sure in the day the view is fantastic, and that you can get down to the water in no time. Looking at the houses, they are covered in different materials than the ones in 12, but seem to have the same basic structure and layout.
"Which one's yours, Annie?" Haymitch asks. She points to one in the middle of the block.
"There," she says. "I have my key in my bag, although your mom may be there already, Katniss. She knew I was coming home today, so she might have brought Finn back already."
I smile, trying to keep any look of nervousness or jealousy off of my face. I am happy for Annie. Genuinely. No matter how much misplaced jealousy worms its way into the worst parts of my mind, I know that I am happy for Annie and that I love her. This weekend has only confirmed that. And, despite all of the anxiety that it causes within me, I need to see my mom. It's been almost a year. We've only really had two meaningful phone conversations in that time. If I ever want to understand my feelings about her, which seems necessary if I ever decide to even hope for a relationship, then we need to talk. We need to start fixing this, little by little. Even if it's painful. I don't think the person I was this time last year, or even this time a few months ago, could have handled it. But with the people beside me, I think it'll be ok. Hard, but ok.
Annie tries the door and finds it unlocked, so we all go inside. Like the exterior, the interior of the house has the same layout to the District 12 Victors homes, but again has some different furnishings and textiles.
We all plop our bags down in the entryway, and Johanna and Haymitch immediately head to the kitchen. Annie heads off to the living room to find my mom and Finn, while Gale, Peeta, and I stand stock still in the entryway. Eventually, Gale seems to decide that there's nowhere else to go, and follows Johanna and Haymitch into the kitchen. Peeta and I remain still. He's waiting for me to make a move, to decide what to do, but I am frozen and unsure. I can hear Annie's voice from the other room cooing to baby Finn, so I know that means she's here. I'm conflicted, both on the best way to reveal my presence to my mom, and in regards to not wanting to interrupt Annie's reunion with her son.
"What do you -" Peeta starts, attempting to ask me what I want to do, but he's cut off by the sounds of footsteps heading our direction. Soon I see Annie with her baby bundled in her arms, and my mother standing by her side. My mom's blue eyes widen in shock when she sees me. Obviously Annie hadn't explained anything in their time in the living room.
"Katniss?" she says, taken aback. "I - what...what are you doing here?" I try my best not to hear the worst in those words, and to remind myself that I would be shocked too if my mother just showed up in 12 unannounced. I try to move my mind away from automatically assuming that her words mean she doesn't want me here.
"We...we all wanted to spend a little more time together, but away from the Capitol," I explain. "And we wanted to meet Finn too. Peeta and I, and Haymitch, Johanna, and Gale too, we all decided it would be nice to come to 4."
It seems to take my mom a minute to process all of this, but then she smiles and steps forward to bring me into a hug. It's a bit awkward, as I guess should be expected after a year apart and a relationship that was never particularly font with physical affection in the first place. Still, it's comforting in the way only a parent can be, and even the discomfort is far better than the alternative of not hugging her at all.
"How have you been, Katniss?" my mom asks gently when she pulls away. "How was the trip?"
"I've been pretty good, all things considered, though I would say this trip was an exception," I answer honestly. "I didn't particularly like being back in the Capitol, but luckily we were all together and able to support each other." My eyes involuntarily flit to Peeta when I say these words, and it's at this that my mom seems to finally fully process his presence.
"Peeta," she says, pulling him into a hug as well. He smiles and returns it happily. "How have you been feeling?"
"So much better, Mrs. Everdeen," he says, gratefulness in his tone. "It's been a long process, but luckily between Katniss, Haymitch, and the doctors, I've been able to recover so much more than I would have thought was possible."
"That's so wonderful," my mother says, and her smile looks genuine. Shee then looks down at her watch, and frown lines form on her forehead. "I unfortunately have to get going. I'm working the night shift at the hospital tonight, so I'm due at work in an hour and I need to stop home first to grab my things. But I'm so glad you're all here and I'll be sure to see you again when I can. Tomorrow, or maybe the next day."
I nod and hug her one more time before letting her head out the door. It's a little painful, somewhere within me, that even after months apart seeing me still doesn't take priority. But it's never been like that, and if I'm being honest, I don't know if I would cancel work if she showed up unannounced. I don't think that's how we operate. So I'm conflicted, and I'm tired, but I'm not distraught.
I'm comforted by the fact that there is a tomorrow. For so much of my life tomorrow has not been a certainty, but at least in this moment I can cling onto the fact that tomorrow brings possibility, and the chance to potentially make things better. To heal a little bit.
Peeta and I walk into the kitchen to find Johanna throwing crackers at Haymitch and Gale, looking increasingly more triumphant as she lands each hit. Yes, tomorrow means more of these people too. And that's a good thing, as ridiculous as they are. This is my family. Tomorrow means more time with the people I love, and more chances to help all of us improve. I'm grateful to have tomorrow.