A/N: Sorry for the somewhat longer than usual delay between chapters! I hope I've made up for it with an extra long chapter heavy on everlark goodness hahaha. love y'all please review :)
The rest of the night flies by in a blur of feelings and experiences that seem to me somehow both entirely foreign and innately familiar at the same time. We stay up late, the exhaustion of this morning burned off and excitement about where we are suddenly overwhelming. Johanna digs through Annie's cabinets and starts eating every variety of snack she can find, while Peeta finds a loaf of bread and makes french toast for everyone, managing to convert everyone in the group into being a big fan of midnight breakfasts. We fawn over baby Finn, who is perhaps the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. This shouldn't surprise me when I think about his parents, though. He has his father's eyes and he smiles and coos in a way that is heartbreakingly adorable. Adding to the wonder of it all is the look on Annie's face whenever she's with him; I have never seen her as calm as she is when he is in her arms. It is abundantly clear that they are helping each other in every way. Peeta is utterly enamored with Finn, and practically every moment he isn't cooking or actively doing something he's trying to entertain him, whether it be through bouncing or cooing or making silly faces.
Really, the whole night just fills me with a feeling of such warmth that it is almost unimaginable, especially when I try to place this feeling in the context of the life we were living just a year ago. Everyone seems just about as happy as I've ever seen them, and it makes me happy as well. In the warmth of the evening I'm even able to smile at Gale, which I wouldn't have thought possible at this point. I'm still angry at him, I still don't trust him, but at least I can maybe start to make small, microscopic chips into the block of stone that has been built up between us.
The next morning when I wake, light is streaming through the curtains and illuminating Peeta's blonde hair on the pillow as if it were a halo above his head. The two of us are in Annie's guest room. Fitting everyone into Annie's house to sleep was a challenge, yet while there are plenty of empty houses in Victor's Village that we could have stayed in a lot more easily, no one wanted to be apart. It took some finagling, but we all managed to find a place to sleep. Haymitch crashed on the couch downstairs while Peeta and I took the guest bedroom upstairs. Annie moved Finn's bassinet into her room, and Peeta and Gale were able to lug a spare mattress that Annie had in her basement into the room. There was already a small couch in Finn's room, in case Annie ever wanted to rest with Finn, so Gale and Johanna agreed to share the space.
I roll over onto my side to look at Peeta, who is still sleeping. He always looks beautiful to me, but somehow never more so than when he is asleep. All of his concerns, fears, doubts, and shiny memories are wiped from his face, and all I see is an expression of peace. It makes me happy to see him like this, more so than I could possibly describe. Even though I know I risk waking him, I can't help but move to run my fingers through his hair. I've always been somewhat fascinated by the shape and texture of his blonde curls, and that has not faded over time. I feel him start to wake under my touch, and my heart warms seeing that the first change in his body is the smile that graces his face.
"Good morning," he says sleepily. I don't say anything, I just place my lips gently on his. Even through the hints of sleep and morning breath, his lips still manage to hold my favorite taste, that bit of cinnamon seeming ever-present no matter where we are. I can feel him smile against me.
"Mmm, it is a good morning now," he says when we part. I laugh at him slightly. "Do you know if anyone else is up?" he asks.
"I'm not sure," I say, shrugging. "I've only been up maybe five or ten minutes myself."
"We should head down soon, I want to make breakfast for everyone," Peeta says, moving to sit up. I groan, feeling sleepy and comfortable and far too in love with the boy next to me to want to move.
"You're too good, Peeta," I mumble, and he chuckles, leaning down briefly to kiss me quickly on the nose.
"I'm just trying to spare us all the wrath of a hungry Johanna," he replies, and I can't help but laugh. I get up, and not wanting to actually get dressed, I just pull on a pair of pajama pants to wear along with my sleep shirt. Following my lead, Peeta just throws on grey sweats and a white t-shirt. That suits me well because I really like the way he looks in both of those things, though I don't know if I'd ever admit it aloud.
When we head downstairs we find that Haymitch is still asleep on the couch in the middle of the room, and no one else seems to be down yet. Checking the clock in the kitchen, I see that it's about 8:30. My body often likes to sleep longer when I don't force myself to wake up, but today I rose early completely naturally. It's a nice feeling to wake up rested and not feel so tired out just by the tasks of daily life. I didn't feel that way before the war, or for months after. This is new.
Peeta tries his best to maneuver around the kitchen quietly, wanting to avoid waking Haymitch. He sets about making eggs for everyone, as well as starting a batter for some muffins. I take a seat at the counter that is basically identical to the spot I usually take at home, and just watch him as he works. It isn't long before Johanna and Gale trod down the stairs, both pajama-clad and looking extremely ruffled. I can only imagine that an old mattress and a couch that's too short to fully stretch out on were not the most comfortable of sleeping arrangements.
"He still asleep?" Johanna asks, jabbing her thumb in Haymitch's direction, and looking supremely offended at the thought that someone could be well rested.
"Yeah," I say, nodding. Without another word, Johanna walks over to the couch, grabs a pillow off the nearby arm chair, and hits Haymitch across the face with it.
"Gah! What the hell?!" he cries as he wakes with a start. Johanna cackles with laughter as his face begins to process understanding. He just shakes his head at her.
"You're lucky I don't have my knife," he mutters. She keeps laughing as he rubs his eyes, exhaustion evident in his face.
"Johanna, be nice," Annie says, and I turn around to see her standing at the bottom of the stairs with Finn in her arms. She's the only one of us who has actually gotten dressed, wearing a flowy purple sundress. Despite her words, Annie is laughing and smiling at the situation. I notice as I look at her that the straps of a swimsuit are visible under her dress
"I thought that after we eat I could take you all down to the beach," she says. "You can't really experience 4 without going in the water."
"I'd love that," I say, nodding. Annie smiles at me, and I realize that I've never seen her as calm or as comfortable as she is here. I've only spent real time with her in 13 and the Capitol, and while she still certainly has her demons, it's mollifying to see her actually somewhat happy.
Happiness is expressed even more fully on the faces of Haymitch, Gale, and Johanna when Peeta sets the pan of eggs down on the table. We all sit down to eat, and breakfast is a flurry of good food and funny conversation. The warm feeling from last night is present yet again, and it is such a pleasant yet unfamiliar experience that I am somewhat intoxicated by it.
"If you all want to get changed, we can head down whenever you want," Annie says after we're all finished. I realize I have nothing packed that would be remotely appropriate for a beach day, having brought with me only a few days' worth of warm clothes for our brief time in the Capitol. Annie seems to read the question on my face.
"You two are welcome to borrow anything of mine," she says, addressing Johanna and me. "And I'm sure I have some old things of Finnick's that will work for Peeta and Gale. I'll look through what we have and find something."
We head upstairs and Annie tells Johanna and I to look through her closet. Her room is nearly exactly the same as mine is at home, just with a slightly different color scheme and the addition of a bassinet. Johanna throws the closet doors open and starts rummaging through things almost immediately. I hold back, a bit hesitant to just take things of Annie's, even if she said it was ok. It makes me sort of uncomfortable in the same way that owing people does.
"What's up, Brainless?" Johanna asks when she notices I'm not really looking at anything.
"I don't know, it just feels weird to be going through someone else's stuff," I say. "Or wearing it, for that matter." Johanna shrugs.
"I don't know. All of us Victors have more clothes and shit than we know what to do with, Annie and I even more than you and Peeta because we had more years of the Capitol plying us with stupid shit nobody needs. I'm sure for Annie in 4 that included all sorts of "beachwear" or whatever the fuck they want to call it. I bet she hasn't even worn half of it."
Johanna has a fair point with this; just in the year between my first Games and the Quell, the amount of clothes I amassed for Capitol film appearances is almost absurd, and most of it hangs in my closet untouched to this day. Calmed, I rifle through things until I find a swimsuit that doesn't make me aggressively uncomfortable. It's a teal colored one piece, and while the neckline dips into a deeper V than I would have designed myself, I am at least glad that it isn't some tiny piece of netting like all of the costumes they made Finnick wear over the years, and the cut seems overall like something I can actually swim in. I grab a pale green sundress as well before heading back to my and Peeta's room to change. He's already there, changed into a pair of short swim trunks that must have been Finnick's.
"Annie gave these to me," he says, looking uncomfortable. "It feels weird wearing something of his. Wrong, sort of, since he's not here to offer it." I nod and sling my arms over his shoulders.
"I know, I felt weird just going through Annie's stuff, even though she said it was ok," I tell him. "But she wanted us to use these things. It'll make her happy." He gives me a little smile and I plant a quick kiss on his lips before changing.
When we get downstairs Peeta goes over to the oven to take out the muffins he had baked and pack them in a basket to bring down to the beach. Once everyone is ready, Annie heads out the door. Taking in the view from the Victor's Village overlook in combination with the feeling of the breeze and the smell of salt on the air is almost overwhelming. The blue waves crash below us and reflect the glow of the sun that sits high in the sky. Even though it's winter, the air is pretty warm, and with the crisp breeze it is entirely pleasant out. Really, it is more beautiful here than I could have possibly imagined.
I take Peeta's hand in mine as we head down the path to the beach. When we arrive, I slip off my shoes immediately and feel the sand between my toes. I feel like it should make me anxious, as the only time I've really felt sand before was in the Quell arena, but it doesn't. It feels different than that, or at least I'm in such a different headspace that it can't possibly feel the same. No, the sand today is warm and inviting and I can already tell that I could stay on this beach for hours.
It takes only seconds after arriving at the water for Annie to wade into the waves with Finn in her arms. I can see what she means about him loving the water; he's laughing and stretching out his arms as she splashes him with little droplets. The two of them look so genuinely happy together, it's heartwarming.
I see Johanna settle herself in lying down on the sand. She doesn't make a big deal out of it or even really acknowledge it, but I can tell that she has absolutely no interest in touching the water. I know from Peeta that she's improved a lot in regards to her phobia of water; she can tolerate it, forcing herself to shower or bathe when she has to. Still, I know that there is virtually no circumstance in which she would just voluntarily get into the water for fun. There is too much trauma associated with it for her. I feel bad for her about this, although I know she would never want me to express that. My overwhelming instinct right now is to run into the waves, and I know I'd feel terrible if I couldn't.
I turn to Peeta and see that he's staring at me with a smile on his face.
"What?" I ask, laughing a little at the intensity of his gaze.
"Nothing, you just look so happy," he says, his smile only growing bigger and goofier. "I like seeing you like this." I roll my eyes, but then an idea hits me. A smirk forms across my face, and I see confusion register in Peeta's eyes at the change in my expression.
"Chase me," I say, and before giving him time to question or force me to elaborate, I pull my dress over my head and take off running towards the ocean. Peeta must figure out what I mean quickly enough, because I hear him laughing and his heavy footfalls following me almost instantly. I run into the water until it's up just above my knees. It's cold but it feels so wonderfully refreshing.
I turn to see Peeta closing the distance between us with a massive smile on his face. He's almost to me when he stumbles, his false leg catching on a rock under the waves. He falls face first into the water, emerging almost instantly but coming up completely drenched. I can't help the laughter that takes over my body. He looks ridiculous, his hair all mussed from the water and an expression of shock on his face.
"Don't laugh at me!" he says, but his sincerity is undercut by the fact that he's laughing himself. "It's cold!"
"Weakling," I tease, turning around and diving into the waves. He's not wrong, the water is cold, but to me it feels incredible. I swim a few lengths away and back, loving the lightness I feel between the buoyancy of the salt water and the movement of the waves. I feel almost as if I'm just being carried, and for whatever reason the feeling is so cathartic and liberating that I am infatuated with it.
When I resurface from the water I swim back to Peeta, taking his hand and pulling him deeper into the water with me. I know that he's not the most confident swimmer, so I don't take him any further than he can stand. I stop us when he's up to his chest and I'm up to my neck, and I wrap my arms around him.
"Well I like this," he says, and I laugh despite myself. He places a finger under my chin and tilts my head up so I'm looking him in the eye. All I see in his eyes is love. "I'm serious," he says. "I can't tell you how happy I am, here with you. I...I don't think that I ever thought this kind of happiness was possible."
His words give me pause, but not in a bad way, not in the way that such professions of love from him once might have. I pause because he's right, and because I feel the same way. I am happy with him, here and now. In my wildest dreams or the fantasies I hardly ever allowed myself, I absolutely never would have thought this type of happiness was possible. I honestly don't think that I believed it existed for anyone, and certainly not ever for myself. If Peeta can't articulate the indescribable shock and gratitude of being here then I have no chance at it, but I do feel it.
"I agree," I say. It's a weak response, but I need to get something out. Something to show that I'm right next to him in this feeling. "I didn't either. I was certain, in fact, that things could never be like this. I've never been happier in my life to be wrong." A smile graces his beautiful face and he pulls mine in for a kiss. The added flavor of salt to his lips is enticing and intoxicating. All I feel is love.
Peeta, Annie, and I spend at least an hour or two out in the water, while Haymitch and Gale chat with their feet in the waves, and Johanna stays dry on the beach, at one point keeping an eye on Finn so Annie can swim more fully. It is a genuinely beautiful day, both in terms of the weather and in terms of my feelings about everyone around me. Once my body starts to feel heavy from swimming, Peeta and I head back towards the shore. We plop ourselves down next to Johanna, reveling in the feel of the warm sand after the cold water. I stretch out on my back while Peeta sits cross-legged, pulling Finn into his lap almost instinctively.
"Hi there," he says to Finn in a high pitched baby voice. "You don't really know me yet, but my name's Peeta. Maybe someday you'll call me Uncle Peeta. Your mom is just out in the water, don't you worry. She's not far away. I just wanted you to know how happy I am to meet you. You and your mom are part of my family to me. I care about you both very much."
He keeps talking to the baby, as well as bouncing and rocking him in a nice, gentle way. I gaze at Peeta and I can tell he's in his own world, completely enraptured by the little life in his arms. He's a natural and the joy on his face is evident. I can't help but think about just how good of a father he would be. I don't know exactly how that makes me feel. I think a normal response to the man I love being fatherly would be one of excitement or joy. My normal response for years would have been a pang of guilt or heartache, knowing Peeta wanted and would be so good at something I could never give him. What I feel now isn't really either of those things. I'm not sure what to call it, how to characterize what I'm feeling, but I know it's different.
"He's damn good with the baby," Johanna says quietly, bringing me out of my reverie. She's on the opposite side of me from Peeta, but her eyes are locked on him as well.
"He is," I say, nodding. I think a small smile has formed on my face, and Johanna notices it as well.
"So, what, you planning on popping out one of his kids anytime soon?" she asks. I grimace, I'm not sure whether more at her phrasing or the concept itself.
"No," I say, because that's still the truthful answer. "I...I don't know if I could ever have kids."
"Like, biologically?"
"No, no," I say, and then pause. "Well, I guess that's a question too, actually. My period was never regular, what with starvation and those shots before both Games. It's starting to regularize with the pill I take, but I guess I don't know if there are any other problems with me." I feel a strange amount of discomfort at the idea of infertility. It's not that I really want kids, and certainly not right now. It's just that I want the choice. I want whatever ends up happening in this regard to be my decision, after so much agency in my life was stripped away from me time and time again.
"What I meant though was more of just...if I could ever bring a child into this world, or be a mother. For years, I was absolutely against it. I never wanted a child to live the way I did, knew I could never handle the possibility of them being reaped. There wasn't even a question about it, my answer was certain. Now...I don't know. I'm still not comfortable with it, I guess, because of how long I was against it. But there's a question now, and I don't feel as certain about my answer. Uncertainties scare the shit out of me." Johanna laughs at this.
"Plus," I say, my voice deathly quiet now. "I'm not sure if I should be a mom, even if I wanted to be. I think I'd probably be pretty awful at it." Johanna's facial expression changes at this to something not quite readable.
"Look, you don't have to have kids if you don't want to," she says. "That's a perfectly fine choice to make, perfectly understandable after all the shit we lived through. I doubt I'll ever do it, although who the fuck knows what life holds, really. Still, you don't have any obligation to, and I know Peeta agrees with that, no matter how much he might want them. But if you think you don't want kids only because you think you'll be a bad mom? You're even stupider than I thought you were the first day I met you."
"What-" I start, but she cuts me off.
"You are one of the most loyal, loving people I know, even if you sometimes express it in a weird way. I know that if you had a kid you'd love it with all of your heart, and protect it in whatever way is within your power. You'd be a great mom. Out of all of the uncertain aspects of parenthood, your capability isn't in question."
I smile awkwardly at Johanna's compliments, though her words only raise another question within me, one of fear. Even in a world without hunger and reapings, bad things can still happen. A child could get sick, could get hurt, could be put in danger. I don't know what I'd do if I had a baby and something happened to it. I don't know if I'd be able to handle it.
"Thanks, Johanna," I say anyway, still appreciative of her compliments and reassurance.
"You're welcome," she says. "But don't expect me to say it twice." I laugh at this. As I've grown closer with Johanna, I have come to know that she will give genuinely good advice and show that she cares, but will cover it all up with humor and sarcasm whenever possible. That doesn't bother me, in fact I actually like the humor. It makes it lighter, diffuses the intense emotion of it all.
Eventually, Peeta surfaces from his baby bubble, noticing Johanna and I locked in conversation.
"What'd I miss?" he asks, a cute, goofy look on his face as he realizes how in the zone he was with Finn. At the same time as I say "not much", Johanna announces that he missed "only the discovery of the meaning of life" in a dry voice dripping with sarcasm. We all laugh at this, and the noise draws over Haymitch and Gale. Realizing the group has reconvened on the sand, Annie comes in from the waves as well. Peeta hands Finn off to her, who smiles instantly in his mother's arms.
Annie seems to be able to read each and every one of her son's actions, because she quickly recognizes the little rooting movements of his lips as a sign that he's hungry. She feeds him easily at her breast, draping a towel over herself for privacy. It makes me happy to see this receptive mother-child relationship. I find it all strangely comforting.
The whole day is comforting, in fact. Everyone lounges and chats under the warm sun, and the feeling is incredibly relaxing and peaceful. At some point Peeta passes around the muffins he brought, and they only increase my positive feelings. Between the people I'm with, the warmth of the sand, and the sound of the crashing waves, I feel as peaceful and content as I could possibly imagine.
It's well into the afternoon by the time we trek back up to Victor's Village. I feel exhausted, my body heavy from the exertion of swimming and the impact of the heat, but it's a sleepy, happy sort of tiered, rather than one of pain or fear.
Most people want to shower, so Annie offers up her bathroom to speed up the process. When I finish showering I throw on some of my own clothes and head downstairs. I know Peeta's in one shower and Haymitch is in another, but I was expecting to find Johanna, since I figured she would be avoiding the running water upstairs. I'm surprised when I arrive downstairs to see only Gale in the living room, sitting on the couch with wet hair.
I'm not exactly sure what to say to him. We haven't really spoken one on one since he popped into my room after Peeta flashed, and even that can't really be considered a conversation. I'd like to think a very small amount of my anger at him has abated over these past few days; I have not forgiven him and do not think that I ever fully can. But I know Prim wouldn't want me to hold a grudge on her behalf and let it define me. She would want me to be able to forgive, to heal. While I'm nowhere close to complete in that process, I think the fact that so far during our time in 4 I have been able to enjoy myself in Gale's presence, even if not directly interacting with him, counts for something.
"Hi," I say, sitting down on the opposite end of the couch from him. He looks up from his hands, which he had previously been staring at, clearly surprised but pleased by my presence.
"Hey," he says, smiling slightly. "Uh, how are you doing?" Formalities feel very weird coming from someone who knew me so well for so long, but he's trying. I have to meet him somewhere.
"Good," I say, trying to keep my voice light. "I thought today was nice, I really liked the beach. How about you?" I can see relief on Gale's face that he's managed to get something more than a one word answer out of me.
"Me too," he says. "I don't really know how to swim, so I didn't go much past my knees, but it was still nice." If I was in a worse headspace, I think I might read an accusation in his statement, some perceived jab at the fact that I never took him to my father's lake and taught him how to swim. That would be assigning a completely fictitious motive, though, and I'm glad that I'm not trapped in that thought cycle right now.
"Still good," I say, nodding. "It's crazy to me watching someone like Annie swim. It was the same with Finnick. I mean, I know what I'm doing and I can carry myself pretty well, but it's nothing like people from 4. It's like they're at home in the water." I'm not entirely sure why I say it, but it is true. There's a liberty in Annie's form when she's in the water that I do not see anywhere else. She's meant to be there. It seems to be the only place where she isn't haunted.
"Yeah," Gale says, smiling more fully now. He falters, though, as some sort of thought seems to pass over his eyes. "Hey, Catnip...uh -" I'm not sure what he's trying to say, but he's cut off by Haymitch coming down the stairs, his gait as loud as ever.
"I think I got sunburnt," he says, touching his hand to his face. "I'd forgotten that was fucking possible." I chuckle briefly at that before turning back to Gale, but he seems to have seized upon the distraction and is now conveniently ignoring me. I don't really have the time or opportunity to get annoyed at him and push him on it, because soon enough everyone else is filing down the stairs.
"I'll make dinner," Annie offers. "You all should experience cooking from 4." I hadn't processed it until she brought up food, but I realize now that hunger is gnawing at my stomach, so I nod my head vigorously at her offer.
"I can help," Peeta says. "Just tell me what to do and I'll prep." Annie smiles and the two of them head into the kitchen. Johanna throws herself on the couch between Gale and I while Haymitch takes the equivalent arm chair to the one he always sits in at home. Johanna flips through the TV channels and settles on Plutarch's singing show, seeming to enjoy the same pastime that we do of making fun of it relentlessly. She is deeply skilled at this, and despite the awkwardness left over from the previous conversation, neither Gale nor I are able to keep from laughing.
About 20 minutes pass before we're interrupted by a knock at the door. Annie doesn't seem to notice, too focused on whatever she's working on in the kitchen, so I get up to answer it. I am surprised, although I really shouldn't be, when I open the door to see that it's my mom. A nervous smile forms on her face.
"Hi, Katniss," she says.
"Hi," I say, feeling ridiculous that I'm not sure how to continue the conversation. "Uh, do you want to come in for dinner? Annie and Peeta are cooking." She looks both frightened and happy at the same time, it's a little bit weird.
"Yes, I'd love to," she says, and she follows me into the house. I head back to the living room, causing Haymitch, Johanna, and Gale to turn their heads at our entrance. I retake my seat on the couch and my mom sits in the other arm chair by Haymitch.
"How are you, Terra?" he asks, relatively kindly considering his usual demeanor. I appreciate that he's trying to diffuse the tension, because I know he knows that things between my mother and I are never simple.
"Pretty well," she says, looking nervous but nodding anyways.
"It's nice to see you, Mrs. E," Gale says, and she smiles more fully at that.
"It's nice to see you too, Gale," she says. "How are your mother and siblings doing?"
He starts talking about his family but I zone out a little, preoccupied in thought. She doesn't know. She has no way of knowing that it was Gale's bomb that killed Prim.
The meanest, pettiest, most selfish part of me wants to tell her, to scream it for all the world to hear. I won't though. It would just be cruel to her, to ruin the love she's had for Gale for years, and by extension that for the rest of his family. I know that she and Hazel were very close, having both lost their husbands in the same explosion and both struggling to keep their children alive. No, it wouldn't help any of us heal to tell her that. So I won't, even if the lie hurts a little.
I tune back in to see Johanna get up to tell Annie and Peeta to cook for an extra person. My mom looks embarrassed, offering to help, but Johanna shuts her down easily. It's actually kind of funny, seeing my mom's reserved, anxious nature up against Johanna's bold and brash one. I don't think they've really met each other before, or at least not in any context other than the hospital in 13, and it's certainly an odd pairing.
We all make idle conversation until dinner is ready, at which point we sit down at the table with Peeta and Annie. Annie had cooked some sort of fish that I can't identify but tastes delicious, and I recognize Peeta's handiwork on the vegetable side dishes.
It's a lovely meal, but I feel a little uncomfortable nonetheless. My mom isn't really talking. I don't know what I expected of her, because she's never been a particularly vocal person, but there's something painful about seeing her for the first time in so long and not being able to engage her in conversation. I know that I share some of the blame, as this isn't my strength either and I know I could be doing more to initiate discussion, but I can't help but feel a little hurt by it all. I think Peeta can feel me grow tense in the seat next to him, because he takes my hand in his and places our joined hands in his lap.
"Mrs. Everdeen, what has it been like setting up the hospital here?" he asks, his voice kind, when there's a lull in conversation. My mom looks taken aback but not upset; her work has always been the easiest thing for her to talk about. Peeta is trying to get her talking for me. He's trying to help. I love him for it.
"Well, the beginning of the process was sort of complicated, what with getting administrative approval and funding and equipment. I wasn't too involved in that aspect, but once it got underway I started working as a nurse, which has been great for me. There are so many more resources than we ever had in 12, and even more than in 13, as now we've combined the technologies of 13 and the Capitol. We treat a broad variety of patients with lots of different needs and treatment regimens. It's been very fulfilling work for me."
Peeta smiles and I do too, trying to push aside all of my recurring petty jealousies and just be happy for my mom.
"I'm sure it's fascinating," Peeta says. "Working in healthcare on that big of a scale must be complicated but incredibly interesting. Even just the clinic in 12 is so different from what we used to have. I had to be treated there for a few days a couple months back, and I was sort of blown away by the resources and the knowledge of the doctors. I can only imagine how much expertise there is at a big hospital like this one."
I squeeze Peeta's hand under the table, unbelievably grateful for his conversational skills, and also his honesty about his own experiences. I see genuine curiosity perk in my mother's eyes, knowing she's curious about his medical experience. I see a similar expression on Gale's face, but it's tinged with something different, something I'm not sure is sourced from the same intellectual inquiry as my mother's interest. I'm not sure I like it. I'm about to cut in, to try to defend Peeta even though there isn't really a threat, when he continues speaking.
"By the way, even though you don't live there anymore, we still owe you a debt in 12. Katniss has used your family's plant book and lessons she learned from you over the years to help advise on the construction of the new medicine factory, and she's been a huge help to the whole district with it. The Everdeen women have had an incredibly positive impact on 12." I blush, but I feel my heart warm when I see my mom genuinely smile at this.
"I've heard a little about that project, but I'd love to know more, Katniss," she says to me. I smile fully now at the chance to connect with her about something real. I tell her all about what the process has been like, going into more detail than I would with most people because I know she actually cares about plants like I do. It doesn't solve every problem, but it feels so good to just be able to talk about something other than pain and loss with her. It makes me feel warm, and I can't help but think that Prim would be very happy if she were here right now.
My mom leaves shortly after dinner ends, saying she has an early morning shift tomorrow so that she needs to get some sleep, but that she'll come back for another visit sometime in the afternoon. I hug her and it feels less forced than the one yesterday did. Once again I find myself looking forward to tomorrow.
While helping clean the dishes my eyes rest on Peeta, and I am filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude for him. His help is the reason I was able to have a good interaction with my mom today. While it wasn't perfect, it was a good interaction. That is not something I could have achieved on my own. I owe him for that. I will never, ever stop owing Peeta Mellark. I've been in his debt since I was 11 and it's only multiplied time and time again with every new facet introduced into our relationship. I'm coming to terms with it, though, because some things are worth the debt.
I spend the rest of the evening laughing, which is not something that I have been able to say very often before in my life. But as we all settle in around the coffee table to play that gambling game that Peeta and I are so terrible at, I can't help but feel almost giddy. I laugh almost constantly, both at mine and Peeta's mistakes and Haymitch and Johanna's successes. Annie's pretty bad at it too, which offers Peeta and I some comfort, and while Gale isn't terrible he's nowhere near good enough to compete with the two masters. Bluffs and exchanges go back and forth between Haymitch and Johanna for ages, until eventually Haymitch eeks out a narrow victory, much to Johanna's chagrin. When we all turn in for the night, I am filled with feelings of warmth and love.
Peeta and I head upstairs to our room, and the minute the door is closed behind him I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him. I can feel him smiling into the kiss, and eventually his smile grows so wide that we have to break apart.
"Thank you," I breathe, taking the moment's pause as an opportunity to tell him.
"For what?" he asks.
"Everything," I say, and it's the truth. "You helped me so much tonight, and I don't know if you were even conscious of it. I was struggling with my mom, and you helped me so much. You always help me so much. Just...thank you." His smile grows somehow wider, which I don't think I thought was possible.
"Katniss, I love you," he says, his voice soft. "I want to do everything I can in this world and more to help make things better for you. That's never going to change."
"I love you too," I say, because those are just about the only words floating around my head right now. I love the man in front of me with every fiber of my being, with an intensity and force and fire that I did not think I possibly could possess.
Within an instant my lips are back on his, and we stumble together until we hit the bed and collapse down onto it. Peeta moves as if to get on top of me but I push him back down onto the bed, wanting to thank him for his words in the only way I know how, which is through actions. This is how we work as a pair; he is a man of words and I am a woman of actions. This has always been true, and I only find myself appreciating it more and more with time.
I climb on top of him and settle so I am straddling him, with one of my legs on either side of his waist. I lean down to kiss him and his hands go instantly to my hair, untying my braid and notting his fingers in my waves. I slip my tongue into his mouth and feel him groan a little into me, which makes me smile slyly. I move my mouth to his neck, sucking and nipping in the way I have learned will drive him wild, before parting briefly to remove both of our shirts. Peeta brings his hands to my breasts almost automatically, and I moan as he massages me through the fabric of my bra.
"Fuck," I breath as he teases my hardened nipple. He chuckles and once again move to flip me onto the bed, but I take both of his wrists in my hands and push them back onto the bed.
"No," I whisper. "I want to treat you today." Peeta seems to have no objections to this, which is good because no part of me wants to stop. My lips find his again and our kissing increases in intensity, heat growing and fire building with each passing minute. From my position around his hips it is very easy for me to feel Peeta's growing excitement, and that only spurs me onward. I reach around my back to unhook my bra, removing it and tossing it to the side. Without thinking Peeta leans forward to take one of my breasts into his mouth, sucking it and laving at it before switching to the other. My head lolls back and I hum softly in pleasure. He removes his head and looks up at me with a coy smile on his face.
"Sorry," he says. "I know you're in charge tonight, but I just couldn't help it." I roll my eyes and push him back onto the bed.
"I'll allow it," I say, before planting my lips back on his once again. After only a few minutes more I feel compelled to remove both of our pants, leaving only our underwear as a barrier between me and the bulge growing between my hips. I grind my hips into his in small circles, reveling in the feeling of friction at my center. Peeta moans and murmurs my name, which makes me smile a sort of smile that only he sees from me.
I start trailing kisses from his mouth, to his neck, and down his chest until I've lowered myself to just above the waistline of his boxers. I pull them down and throw them onto the floor, allowing his erection to spring free. I run my hand up and down his length a few times before lowering my mouth down onto him.
I draw a line from the base to the tip of him with my tongue before circling it around his tip a few times. All the while I keep my eyes locked on his. Eye contact has become the norm whenever I do this, and it works for both of us. I know he finds it attractive to get to look at me while I do this, and I like watching the effect I have on him. I push my lips past his tip, taking him into my mouth and bobbing my head up and down around him.
"Oh," he lets out. "Shit, fuck..." he continues moaning and muttering, and it occurs to me just how much pleasure I get out of making this silver-tongued man forget his words. I keep up my movements around his length, while anchoring my hand around his base to stroke him there as well. He's panting and as his hips start to buck into my mouth I can tell he's building.
"Katniss," he groans, and he runs a finger across my cheek. I can see in his eyes what he's trying to ask. He doesn't want to end here.
Without another word, I remove my mouth from him and scoot up to return to my straddling position. I lift myself up briefly before lowering myself down onto him, sheathing him entirely inside me in one movement. We both cry out at this, our moans of pleasure almost in unison.
I start moving my hips back and forth, creating something of a pattern. At certain points I lift myself up again just to slide him back into me with greater force, trying to take him as deep within me as is humanly possible. Peeta has one hand cupping my ass, the other covering one of my breasts. I pick up the pace until I'm almost frantic, and at this point both of our moans are nearly constant, the only time we are quieted is when our lips meet.
"Fuck, I'm so close," he moans, and without thinking I bring my hand down to rub myself where we meet. I can tell that I'm getting close too, but I'm a little behind him and I want to meet him as quickly as I can. I continue the movements of my hips and my fingers, only picking up speed and intensity as we both build closer and closer. Peeta moans my name as he cums, and the last deep, erratic thrusts of his orgasm push me over the edge as well. I cry out as I finish, feeling nothing else but complete and utter bliss.
It takes us both several minutes to come down, but eventually I roll off of him and onto the bed. He curves his body around mine and wraps his arms over my waist, drawing little circles with his thumbs on my bare stomach.
"I love you," he murmurs, and I hum my approval before we both drift off to sleep.