Voices are the first thing I process when I start to wake up, far more of them than I remember being outside with us before. I'm a little dazed in the remnants of sleep, that strange fog that I sometimes get after naps hovering over me. But I don't feel too tense, because the voices are happy. I hear people talking, people laughing, people living in a good world. I blink my eyes open and realize that I'm still out on the porch swing with Peeta. It's still light out, but definitely later in the day. I have no idea how long I've been asleep. Everyone else is out here now, seeming to have pulled out chairs. They're all chatting and passing around food. Johanna seems to be the first person to realize that I'm awake.
"Nice of you to finally join us, Brainless," she says. "Frankly, I'm impressed you've managed to sleep through all of this." As I process the rowdy conversation that I've been sleeping through, I'm frankly just as surprised as Johanna.
"What time is it?" I ask, rubbing my eyes. Peeta smiles at me and strokes my hair.
"About 4:30," he says gently. I groan, annoyed at myself for having slept so long. Peeta seems to read exactly what I mean through this sound, because he speaks again. "It's ok," he says. "I was just about to wake you up anyways. Annie says the sunset should start within the next ten or so minutes, and I figured you'd want to see it."
I smile at that and feel a generally warm feeling spread inside me. As my eyes adjust, I begin to notice the tinges of orange and pink around the sun, which hangs low in the sky over the water. I sit up and Peeta follows suit, looking grateful to be able to change positions after several hours trapped under me.
"Sorry," I say, giving him an apologetic look, but he smiles and wraps his arm around my shoulders.
"Don't worry about it," he whispers into my ear before planning a kiss on my cheek. I settle into him and turn my gaze towards the sky. The colors seem to be intensifying with each passing moment, and the way the light reflects off the water in golden ripples is mesmerizing. I'm not sure if I have ever noticed more beauty in the world than I do right now. The amount of warmth I am filled with is almost overwhelming, and yet I don't think I want this feeling to ever go away.
I look at the sunset and I look at Peeta. Both seem to be things of beauty, each glowing golden and filling me with happiness. I have shared sunsets with Peeta before: on the training center roof, in the clock Arena, back home in 12. Somehow this one makes them all seem irrelevant. The beauty of where we have managed to find ourselves, and who we have found ourselves with, only adds to the impact of the sky, filled with tints of pink, purple, gold, and Peeta's favorite orange.
On the training center roof, I clung to the sunset because I thought it would be one of my last; it was important to me as a sign of beauty that I was leaving behind. Today I don't feel that. I don't feel fear today, really hardly at all. Even the constant weights of anxiety and grief that always remain somewhat on my chest seem more alleviated than I can remember them being in months or even years. Today I think not about the past and what I'm leaving behind, but about the future and what we can create in this world together. Today I'm thinking about hope.
Our whole group watches as the sun sets over the horizon, leaving a purple-ish tinge behind in the blue of the darkening sky. When we go inside, we all help contribute to dinner in whatever way we can. Annie teaches Peeta how to cook one of her favorite fish dishes, and having two sets of hands expedites the process greatly. I throw together a salad while Gale sets the table and Haymitch and Johanna mix drinks for everyone. We talk and laugh all the way through dinner, and the feeling of warmth I got from the sunset stays with me through it all. Everything Annie and Peeta have cooked is utterly delicious, which only adds to the feeling of conteness in me. I enjoy my drink too, although I am careful to pace myself, desperately wanting to avoid the same repercussions I faced the morning after the party in the Capitol. Instead I just let myself get to that happy, drowsy, silly state that I like, where my laughter flows freely but I can still keep a handle on myself. Peeta and Gale get to relatively similar places as me, while Annie stays sober and Haymitch and Johanna transform into their raucous drunk selves.
Every part of me knows I should roll my eyes and be annoyed at their behavior, and yet I just can't help but enjoy it. For once, both Haymitch and Johanna look genuinely happy. Despite the extent to which they both try to hide their feelings and mask their pain, I know they are deeply broken people, just like the rest of us. Both had their families ripped away from them by Snow, both had to watch children be sent to their deaths year after year, both survived when for all intents and purposes they should have died. The pain can overwhelm them just as it can overwhelm Peeta or me, but tonight it doesn't. Even if the way they show their happiness is a bit ridiculous, seeing them happy makes me happy. They deserve that much and more.
After dinner, Peeta and Gale take as many of the logs from nearby Annie's fireplace as they can carry, and we all head down to the beach to set up the bonfire. Annie and I bring down some blankets as well. Johanna runs along ahead of everyone else, skipping her way down the path at an almost unreasonably fast pace for someone in her drunken state. I think she's singing something, but I can't fully tell what from my distance behind her.
"I don't think I've ever seen Johanna Mason look that happy," Peeta comments as we walk. I nod.
"No, me neither," I say. "To be honest, though, I'm not sure if in the time that we've known her she's ever had a reason to." Peeta's face takes on a thoughtful and slightly melancholic expression. I don't know exactly what to say. I start regretting my words, worrying if I made a light moment too dark. Peeta doesn't look upset, though, just as if he's trying to find exactly the right words to say as well.
"It's been a long time since any of us have felt the right to be fully happy," he says. "I like seeing us chip away at that guilt." I smile up at him, looking into his ocean blue eyes and seeing and feeling only love.
"Me too," I say happily, and we walk along together.
When we reach the beach, Annie and I unfold blankets on the sand while Peeta and Gale stack the logs up to make the bonfire. Within minutes they have a flame going, and the warm sparks light up the night sky in a beautiful way. I plop myself down onto one of the blankets close to the fire, pulling Peeta down to sit next to me once he's done tending the flame. Everyone settles eventually, enjoying the warmth of the fire and the view of the stars in the night sky above. Little Finn seems fascinated by the glow of the bonfire; he keeps trying to reach out from Annie's arms to touch it.
"I'm so happy that you all decided to come here, even if just for a couple of days," Annie says. Everyone looks to her, and she kisses Finn on the top of the head before continuing. "It was really...really hard, for a while, just to keep going. After Finnick. But he's here tonight, with all of us, all of you. I feel really lucky that I know you all." I feel my heart warm at Annie's words. A smile forms on my lips, and then falls as I notice that she's crying. It's easy for Annie to get overwhelmed, just because everything she feels she feels so strongly.
"I'm sorry," she whimpers, but looking around the circle I can see that no one is anywhere near upset at her.
"You don't have to be sorry, Annie," I say immediately. I'm not sure of exactly what to say to comfort her - soothing words have never been my specialty - but I know that I have to try because I have been exactly where she is. I have felt exactly what she is feeling. So often over this past year, I have found myself overcome with pain and grief, and then found myself apologizing for needing help. It's the reassurances from Peeta and my other friends that they don't need an apology that has helped me start to understand. I still do it, and I probably won't ever be fully rid of the instinct, but it's lessened somewhat.
"It's been so hard," I say, looking at her. She meets my gaze, her eyes watery. "You don't need to feel bad about the fact that it gets to you. It gets to all of us. I couldn't take care of myself for months after Prim died. The fact that you've managed to do not only that, but also take care of your baby in the process is remarkable. I'm proud of you, and I know Finnick would be too. But you're allowed to need help sometimes. None of us would be here without help."
To be honest, I'm not quite sure where those words come from, or if any of them were at all helpful. I see Annie smile, though, and that counts for something.
"Thank you, Katniss," she says, wiping her eyes. "I want to be here for all of you, too. I don't want you to only take care of me."
"An, I can't tell you how much you've helped me," Peeta says from next to me. "Trying to manage the flashbacks and the terror from our time in the Capitol when I couldn't even fully make sense of it could be overwhelming. It still is, still can be. Having you and Jo to talk to, both to let me know what's real and what isn't, but also to just be a supportive friend who shared the pain, has been so important to me."
"He's right," Johanna adds on, her voice sounding far more sober than it did maybe ten minutes ago . "We went through that hell together, and we need each other now. I'd like to pretend we don't, but we do. That means we depend on you, Annie, and that you help us, whether you know it or not."
"We're all fucked up, Annie," Haymitch says, summing up everyone's message quite well in his simple, crude phrase. "We're all fucked up and we all need each other. It's just how it's gonna be." We all nod, even Gale. Annie smiles at this, sniffling and blinking away her tears.
"I love you all," she says, and I can see in her eyes that she means it. "I don't want you to see yourselves as 'fucked up' or anything like that. You're too important to me." It is incredibly sweet, but I have to bite my lip to keep from laughing. Annie is so good, she doesn't even want us to be self-deprecating towards ourselves. For most of us, though, it's sort of inevitable.
"A little late for that, An," Johanna says, voicing my thoughts. "We are fucked up. You can still love us. Frankly, I'm glad if you do. But we'll all still be fucked up." Annie manages to laugh at this, though she still seems a little sad. Then she looks up, gazing around the circle with a determined look in her eyes.
"Do you know what I do, when it's all too much?" she says.
"What, An?" Peeta asks. She doesn't say another word, but rather creates a little nest of blankets for Finn, lays him down there gently, and takes off, running towards the water with surprising speed. She splashes into the water, fully clothed, and once she's in up to about mid thigh, she dives into an oncoming wave, resurfacing a few moments later further out into the water.
"C'mon!" she shouts, her voice sounding far away. Peeta looks at me with his eyebrows raised, and a smirk forms across my face.
"We're really going in the water at night?" Peeta asks, an incredulous but not all together unhappy look on his face.
"Oh yeah," I say, flashing him a smile before reaching out a hand to help him up. He rolls his eyes but goes along with me instantly, and soon we're running through the sand. When the water laps at our shins, this time I'm wincing along with Peeta. It's cold, frigid even in the night air, and yet absolutely no part of me wants to leave the water. I see why Annie likes this; the cold is strangely exhilarating. It helps me remember that I'm here, and that I'm alive right now.
"This is amazing," I say, and then I burst out laughing as I process the shock and horror on Peeta's face at the freezing temperature.
"Are you - kidding me?!" he says in between his teeth chattering. I don't have a response because I just can't stop laughing at him. I decide to be a little mean, and splash some water at him so it flecks onto his upper body and hits where he was previously dry, leaving him extra cold. I try to keep a straight face but utterly fail, giggling uncontrollably at his expression.
"That's it," he says, and before I know it he scoops me up and dangles me over his shoulder. I squeal and pound at his back as if to protest, but in reality I just can't stop laughing.
"Peeta!" I shriek. He just shakes his head and spins around with me over his shoulder. I see Haymitch and Gale from my upside down view, both seeming to have followed us into the ocean. Johanna remains on the beach with Finn. I reach out my hands and my fingertips just graze the surface of the water from my spot on Peeta's back. Something about the simple touch makes me wonder if I have ever been this happy.
When Peeta lets me down, we've gone a little deeper into the water, and now my dress is drenched up to my waist.
"That was payback," he says, splashing me quickly before leaning in to kiss me on the lips. I kiss him back happily, until another slightly mean but deeply fun thought occurs to me.
"Peeta," I say as I pull my lips away from his. He looks back at me slightly concerned, as if he is worried something is wrong, which couldn't be further from true. "Peeta, we have to dunk Haymitch." A grin spreads across Peeta's face that matches my own. Within seconds we've devised a plan. We head back over to Haymitch, who is standing near Gale in shallower water, only up to a little above his knees.
"Haymitch!" I call, stopping a few feet ahead of him in the water. "Haymitch come look at this!" He looks up at me, a confused and slightly suspicious expression on his face. Well, I guess he's right not to trust us, given our current plan.
"What are you talking about?" he asks.
"Just come see!"
He grumbles but begins to take a step forward through the water, and in that moment Peeta is able to come up behind him and knock him forward so he falls in and submerges himself. He resurfaces almost instantly with an absolutely livid expression on his face, and I'm not sure if Peeta or I have ever laughed harder.
"Fucking unbelievable, you two are," he says, shaking his head as Peeta and I continue to laugh, both of us doubled over at this point. "Just fucking unbelievable. The reason why I went to so much trouble to keep you two alive is beyond me." He trods off back towards the fire and shore, and Peeta and I just keep laughing, seemingly unable to stop ourselves.
We stay in the water for a good 10 or 15 minutes more, at which point the cold eventually becomes too much and we head back onto the sand. I stretch myself out on a blanket by the fire next to Annie. She's drenched from head to toe, having dived fully into the water, but she doesn't seem phased at all, and instead sits happily with Finn by the fire. I motion for Peeta to come lay down next to me, but he holds back.
"I'm gonna go apologize to Haymitch," Peeta says, a slightly guilty look on his face. I roll my eyes. This is classic Peeta in every way.
"Weakling," I say, knowing there's no use fighting him on it. He heads off and Annie chuckles at us a little bit.
"Seeing you two together makes me happy," Annie says. I blush at that a little, not entirely sure how to respond.
"Thanks," I say awkwardly, seemingly forever unable to take a compliment, no matter how simple.
"It makes me sad, too," Annie says thoughtfully. "It makes me miss him. But I think in the end it makes me more happy than it does sad, because I know this is what Finnick would have wanted for you both, and I want you to have it too." I smile at Annie more genuinely this time.
"Thank you, Annie," I repeat, reaching out to take her hand that isn't cradling Finn. She smiles back at me and squeezes my hand. Finn gives a little cry, seemingly unhappy that his mother's attention could be divided for even a moment.
"Oh no, I'm sorry little guy," I say, laughing. "Don't worry, your mama's all yours." Annie smiles as she rocks and sushes her son, who calms quickly under her gaze.
I'm about to compliment Annie's ability to keep him calm when I notice Johanna get up from her blanket and walk several feet down the beach. Something's not right, she looks upset. She sits down a couple feet away from the bonfire and hugs her knees tightly to her chest. My instinct is to go to her and ask what's wrong, but I'm never fully sure if that's the right answer with Johanna. She hates looking weak somehow even more than I do, and doesn't always respond well to typical methods of comfort.
In my moment of indecision, though, I see that Peeta's already noticed and is heading over to her. This is good. No one will be better at this than him. I see him sit down next to her and can hear them start to talk. Their voices are quiet by the time they reach me, but years of hunting and my Capitol-enhanced ear allow me to pick up their words. Plus, Peeta's never been as quiet as he means to be. I try not to stare at them, though, knowing Johanna will shut down if she thinks someone is watching her in a moment of perceived weakness.
"Are you okay?" Peeta asks her gently as he sits down next to her. She scoffs and throws some sand over her feet.
"I mean, not really," she says, her voice a little louder than she probably intended because of its annoyed cadence. Peeta doesn't speak right away, hoping she'll go on and tell him what's wrong, but she doesn't.
"Four might be a hard place for you," he eventually says, trying to keep his voice as understanding as possible without venturing into pity. "All the water, I can understand that -"
"It's not that," she cuts in, stopping him mid sentence before pausing briefly. "I mean, it's not exactly that. I don't care that there's water here, it doesn't bother me as long as I don't have to go in it. I just..." she trails off.
"You can tell me, Jo," Peeta says kindly. "You've seen me be a literal murderous mutt, you can tell me anything."
"Yeah but that's exactly the problem," she says, her voice distraught. I actually think she might be crying. "You were the murderous mutt, but you're not anymore. You're happy, and you're functioning in your life, and you're living and laughing and fucking and loving, all with the girl of your dreams...you're better. Maybe not perfect, but so much better. Brainless is better too, even Haymitch clearly doesn't drink in the same way he used to. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for you, all of you. I just feel like I'm the only one who's stuck."
"That's absolutely not true," Peeta says, calmly but assertively. "Johanna, you've made so much progress. Back in 13 you couldn't even take a shower, now I can happily say that you haven't had a detectable odor once this whole trip!" I think she laughs a bit at his attempt to make light, but she still remains curled in around herself, staring down at the sand.
"It's so goddamn hard," she says, voice so quiet now I can barely hear it. "I cry every time, and I fucking hate myself for it. I mean, I just feel so fucking stupid and weak. I see you all run into the water, and it's not that I even care about whether or not I go and swim, it's just I want to feel like I could. I want to feel like I still have one goddamn ounce of agency left in me that Snow didn't rip to pieces." Peeta doesn't speak for a minute, just resting a hand on her shoulder.
"Johanna..." he starts. "It's so fucking hard. It still feels impossible, somedays, to get up in the morning and not just give in to all the horrible thoughts he planted in my head. I know that's the same for you. But a part of me just knows that the absolute best thing I could do to piss him off, the best way I could show him that he was wrong, and he lost, and he doesn't own me, is to try to be happy. There is no better instance of that for me than in loving Katniss. She makes me happier than anything, and she is exactly who he tried to keep me from. Loving her is the best thing in my life, and it certainly makes me happy too to know that it's the best revenge I could ever possibly get on Snow. Even with all of that, though, it doesn't mean there aren't still bad times. You need to let yourself view life, or at least the process of healing, as something other than binary stages of 'broken' or 'fixed,' because it's nowhere near that simple. Let yourself enjoy the things that make you happy, and know that's the best 'fuck you' to Snow you could possibly give, but also let yourself cry or be supported when you need it. Being a little easier on yourself will lessen his hold on you. It will give you back some freedom."
The two are silent for a moment, and I find myself simply overwhelmed with love and awe for Peeta Mellark. It's not just his descriptions of me as the best thing in his life, although of course that makes me feel warm beyond comparison. It's just the way that he manages to say what is exactly right, completely true, and yet incredibly hard to articulate so perfectly. He has this amazing ability that in the past he was forced to twist for the use of defense or propaganda, and now that he has his agency back, he chooses to use his words for love and comfort. He could not be a better man.
"Fuck, Lover Boy," Johanna says, sniffling a little and wiping her eyes. "You're really fucking good at this." Peeta laughs a little at that.
"We all do what we can," he says. After another few moments of silence, I can hear Johanna take a deep, shuddering breath.
"Peeta I'm going to do something, but I give you full warning that I may fall apart, and I need you to help me," she says, her voice steady and slightly scared. He looks up at her, alert.
"Of course," he says. "What do you need?" She stands up and I can see her limbs are shaking.
"Walk with me?" she says, pointing towards the waves. Her voice sounds more like a scared little kid than I have ever heard from her, and yet I am so unbelievably proud. I can see my feelings mirrored on Peeta's face, as he gives her a determined grin.
"Absolutely," he says, hooking his elbow together with hers so he can help support her as they take slow, halting steps towards the water. Looking around the bonfire, I see that Haymitch, Gale, and Annie have now noticed what's happening too, but none of us are saying anything, as Johanna is more likely to shut down if she knows she has an audience. We all remain silent, with our eyes trained on the pair moving slowly but surely towards the ocean. As they get closer, I can see Johanna start to hyperventilate.
"You're alright," Peeta says calmly. "He can't hurt you anymore. You're showing him that he doesn't have power over you anymore, but even more importantly than that, you're showing yourself. You can do this." I see Johanna nod and let out a long, shaky breath through her lips. They continue moving, and as the first wave touches the tips of her toes, I hear a heartbreaking scream. She falls back, almost landing hard on the ground, but Peeta catches her, lifting her up and holding her steady in his arms.
"It's okay, it's okay," he says gently. "Look, Jo, your feet are in the water. You're doing it, it's okay." Johanna looks down to see her feet covered up to her ankles. Another wave had come in unnoticed during her fall, and she whimpers but manages to hold herself steady.
"We can't stop here, if you want," Peeta says. "You already did so good."
"No," she croaks out, her voice still sounding broken, but with a tone more familiar to Johanna in it as well. Anger. "No, we keep going." Peeta nods and helps walk Johanna forward. She has to stop several more times, becoming paralyzed with fear and unable to do anything but scream until Peeta helps her center herself again. A steady flow of tears falls down her face as she moves, but she keeps going. When the water level is about up to her mid thigh, she stops, but this time doesn't show any signs of a break down. She tilts her head back and looks up at the stars, and throws her arms out on either side of her.
"Fuck you!" she shrieks, screaming at the sky at the top of her lungs. "Fuck you, you evil, deranged, bloodthursty bastard! Fuck you! You don't own me anymore!"
She continues screaming, louder possibly than I've ever heard anyone scream, and I can't help myself any longer. I jog out to meet her and Peeta in the water. When I reach her she gives me a small smile, with a blazing sort of look in her eye. She takes my hand in hers.
"Care to join me, Brainless?" she asks. I nod, before leaning back and screaming at the top of my lungs.
"Fuck you!" I call out to the night sky. It feels more cathartic than I could have possibly imagined. I do it over and over again, eventually taking Peeta's hand in my free one and forcing him to join in with us. The three of us form a little triangle out there in the waves, screaming and crying and finally feeling freedom.
When we eventually make our way back to the beach, Johanna is exhausted from the emotional exertion of the event. I can tell just by the way that she's walking on our way back that all she wants to do is go to sleep. When we reach the bonfire, Annie has Johanna wrapped in her embrace within an instant.
"I'm so proud of you," I hear her whisper. I can see Johanna smile sleepily at that.
"Thanks, An," she says, eventually pulling out of Annie's hug and sitting down on one of the blankets.
"You can sleep, Johanna," Peeta offers. "We can stay out here for as long as you want, none of us mind." Annie, Haymitch, and I all nod at his words.
"No," Johanna says stubbornly, but it's weakened by the fact that she can't seem to keep her eyes open. "I don't need to sleep, I'm good. Just give me five minutes..." She leans onto her back, and within minutes I can see her breathing slow down and fall into the rhythm of sleep.
"We can wake her in a bit when we need to go back up to the house, but let's give her a little time," Peeta says. "I know how hard that was for her, and she must be overwhelmingly tired." I don't say anything, I just walk straight up to Peeta and place my lips on his, kissing him as intensely and passionately as I possibly can. He seems surprised at first, but begins to reciprocate quickly once he processes it.
"You did...so good," I say in between breaths when we finally break apart. "So good. I cannot believe you were able to help her like that."
"It was nothing," Peeta says, actually looking somewhat embarrassed at the compliment, his cheeks pink and a bashful expression on his face that I find utterly adorable. "Really, what she did is much more impressive than what I did. I was just trying to help."
"You did help, kid," Haymitch says, clapping him on the back. "And that's not nothing." Annie, seemingly in a mood where it's easier to express her feelings in actions weather than words, wraps Peeta into a hug similar to the one she gave Johanna. She doesn't say anything, but her gratitude reads clearly in her action.
"Thanks, Annie," Peeta says with a smile.
"Uh uh," Annie says, shaking her head. "Thank you." Peeta smiles again, but I'm distracted by the sound of a scoff and the sight of Gale walking away out of the corner of my eye. I don't think Peeta, Haymitch, or Annie notice it, as they all continue talking. I slip away to follow him, unsure if something is wrong.
"Hey," I say, catching up to Gale. He stops walking maybe 15 or 20 feet down the beach from the bonfire. "Are you okay? Where are you going?"
"I'm fine, Catnip," Gale says, sounding a little annoyed. "I just...needed some space, that's all."
"Why?" I ask, confused. Gale looks exasperated, like the reason should be obvious to me and that I'm stupid for missing it.
"It doesn't matter," he says eventually. "I really don't want to get into it." I'm not happy with that answer.
"No, what is it?" I ask, determined to get an answer out of it. I can see he's growing more and more annoyed with me as I continue to press him. Gale and I are both too stubborn for our own good, and when we're at odds it can take ages before either of us is welling to make a concession.
"Catnip I said I don't want to talk about it," Gale says irritatedly. "It seemed like every single time we saw each other after your first Games there was something you didn't want to talk about, and I didn't push you. Can't you just let it be?"
I have about ten different responses to that absurd statement running around in my head, ranging from pointing out the unfair comparison of something that annoys him to the trauma of the Games or secrets I kept to protect my family, to the fact that often he did push me, to a nasty comment that part of why we aren't really friends anymore is because we couldn't find a way to talk about these things. I end up settling for a much pettier reply.
"Well, I feel like I don't even have a choice but to ask you, if you're gonna throw a tantrum in front of everyone," I say harshly. I can see anger building in Gale's eyes, and watch him fight to tamp it down as he runs his hands back through his hair frustratedly.
"A tantrum?! I was walking away, you're the one who followed me here and started this fight," he says angrily.
"Will you just tell me -"
"You know what? Fine," he says, cutting me off. "I just get tired of everyone falling head over heels all over Mellark like he's the goddamn king of the world." I feel a sense of blind rage build up within my chest.
"Excuse me?!" I ask, my voice level but incredibly targeted.
"Yeah, this is why I didn't want to talk about it, Katniss, but I guess we're getting into it now," Gale says angrily. "I just can't say I understand why you all seem to be in this spell of him being a perfect person when he literally tried to kill like a year and a half ago!" The rage has spread all throughout my body by now, and I'm finding it hard to contain myself.
"Oh my God, Gale, I thought we had gotten past this!" I yell. "I thought you finally fucking understood how absurd you've been about this, but apparently not. How dense do you have to be to see the progress he's made?!" Gale seems to flare up at my insult
"Oh what, it's so stupid of me to want to look out for you?!" he yells.
"Stop trying to protect me!" I scream. "You don't have any right to any say in my life, especially not after Prim." Gale looks hurt and angry at this.
"It's not fair to blame me for that, Katniss! You know I hate it every bit as much as you do." I am simply overwhelmed with anger at this.
"I don't even want to get into how absolutely wrong that second statement is, Gale, because I think if I outlined every single way in which that moment broke me, we might be here until dawn," I say, fury in my voice. He seems to actually back down at this a little bit.
"You're right," he concedes."You're right, and I shouldn't have said that. But I still do want to protect you, Katniss. I still want you to be safe, and not make any decisions that you wouldn't want to do!"
"What are you talking about?" I ask, having an inkling of what he's getting at but hoping beyond hope that I'm wrong. He exhales frustratedly, running his hand through his hair again.
"Just, you..." he seems unable to fully get out what he's trying to say. "I mean, you...you're fucking Mellark!" he eventually gets out. "I know you, I know that was something you never wanted in your life, I don't understand -"
"You are unbelievable!" I yell, cutting in. "Unbelievable, and a goddamn hypocrite. You think I didn't know, all those years, about what you would do with girls on the slag heap?! Of course I knew, but I didn't care, Gale, because it didn't fucking concern me! Why on earth do you think you get any say in what I do, or who I do it with?! Why don't you seem to have one ounce of trust or respect for me?!"
At this point our raised voices have carried down the beach, and I see Peeta and Haymitch making their way towards us.
"I do respect you, I just don't think you know what you're doing with this!" he cries. I laugh derisively, the sound almost manic coming from my mouth.
"Evidently not, given what you just said!" I say. Peeta and Haymitch have reached us now.
"Hey, what's going on?" Peeta asks, stepping between us as Haymitch jogs the last few paces to catch up. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," I say, my voice still annoyed, and then I'm furious again when I see Gale roll his eyes. "What?!" I snap. "What the hell do you have to say?!"
"It's just you're in a fucking trance when it comes to him!" Gale says, gesturing at Peeta. "You've just been going on and on about how you don't need a man to protect you, and then you fall all over him when he does it!" Fire burns within my veins and makes my blood boil with rage.
"I don't need anyone to protect me!" I yell. "But Peeta and I are able to help each other because we actually goddamn listen to each other! You've never fucking learned how to listen, Gale!" He takes a step towards me, but Peeta blocks him with one hand. He's shorter than Gale, but he's stronger.
"Back off, Gale," Peeta says, his voice assertive but level, completely at odds with both mine and Gale's. "I think we all just need to take a step back and calm down."
"Fuck off, Mellark," Gale says angrily. "You weren't involved in this, you don't need to butt in."
"Hey!" I call, lunging at Gale and trying to shove his shoulder. Haymitch, who I didn't even notice was behind me, pulls me back in an instant.
"Knock it off, sweetheart," he mutters. "You're not helping anyone."
"This is getting way out of hand," Peeta says. "Everyone needs to cool off."
"I'm not gonna let him talk to you like that!" I shriek, indignant that Peeta is letting himself be insulted this easily, even if some part of me knows that his decision to rise above it is the better one. Well, I've known he was the better person for years now. It doesn't stop me wanting to defend him.
"Gale, I thought we were starting to fix things, that maybe someday we could be friends again, but apparently fucking not if this what you have to say to me, or to say to him!" I cry.
"You're the one who's the fucking hypocrite, Katniss, not me!" he responds, rage in his voice. "You say you don't want to be protected, but then you do. You say people shouldn't give unwanted opinions on each other's lives, but then you do. I don't know if it's the war, or Mellark, or your meds-filled brain, but you've fucking changed!"
The fact that he would stoop to the level of bringing mental health and medications into this pushes me over the edge, removing any small part of me that was trying not to be outright vindictive to my former friend.
"I have fucking changed, Gale!" I say. "And I'm happier. So much fucking happier. I've been happier these past few months than I ever was when you knew me, and if you were my friend you'd be fucking glad. If you thought I'd be pining over you this whole past year, that I wouldn't have been able to find some happiness in my life without you in it, then you're deluding yourself. I've found people who care about me, who help take care of me and who I help take care of, who make me laugh. And yes, since it seems to be the thing that makes your misogynistic asshole brain the most upset, I've found someone I want to fuck who isn't you. You can fucking deal with it!" Gale looks utterly furious and tries to take another step forward towards me, but Peeta stops him again, putting his arm against his throat this time.
"I really don't want to hurt you Gale, but you need to back the fuck down," he says.
"Oh can you stop pretending to be so much better than the rest of us?!" Gale bursts out. "I don't know how she stands it, it's fucking exhausting!" I try to run towards him again, but Haymitch is restraining me entirely at this point.
"Fuck you, Gale!" I scream. It's stupid and childish and petty, but it's pretty much all I can think at this point.
"Yeah right back at you," he calls. "Honestly, I don't know what happened to you, Katniss. I don't know when you turned into such a goddamn bitch -" Whatever he was going to say next is cut off by Peeta's fist flying and making contact with his face. There's a moment after the punch lands when we're all sort of frozen in a state of disbelief. Gale's hand slowly moves to touch his nose and comes away bloody. Peeta looks embarrassed and maybe remorseful, but I'm fucking proud.
"Unbelievable," Gale mutters.
"Gale, I'm sor-" Peeta starts, but Gale shakes his head.
"Nope," he interjects. I'm waiting for him to say more, but he doesn't. Instead, he just gives me a final, disgusted look, and stalks back up the hill towards the house. Once he's far enough away, Haymitch finally releases his hold on me.
"I shouldn't have done that," Peeta says. "I know you can take care of yourself, I don't want to act like you're some damsel who needs saving." I shake my head.
"I would have done the same thing if the situation were reversed," I say, moving to wrap my arms around his waist. "In fact, I think you actually exhibited an impressive amount of restraint."
"I agree with the girl," Haymitch says. "That boy was acting like a goddamn child. He deserved it."
We make our way back towards Annie, Johanna, and Finn at the bonfire. Annie looks concerned when we get back, and Johanna is just waking up. She blinks her eyes, taking in the flush of anger that still remains in my cheeks, the absence of Gale, and the torn up, bloody knuckles of Peeta's right hand.
"What the fuck did I miss?!"