It has been years now. Years of thinking he'll regret everything he does. The choices he made. Were they the right ones or is the world just waiting for the opportunity to finally let the other shoe drop? Show him that he was wrong all along and should have never thought of trying to live again.
Just surviving, like back in the days, with a bottle in his hand, knocking himself out till he can't remember a thing of the past.
No, he tells himself. He made the right choice. Finally opening up to Effie. Showing how he feels even though he still couldn't say it out loud. The three words, haunting him from the very beginning of his games and will probably for ever, right? Because everyone who he loved died. Except, now, seven years after the rebellion it's not like that anymore. The world has changed for good.
No one had to be afraid to love anymore, so why is he still feeling like those words will choke him?
It's not like Effie doesn't know by now. Haymitch made sure to show her that the feelings weren't one sided after the war. Years they have been walking around each other on eggshells. Never crossing a certain line. Never telling how they really felt till the rebellion came along and those lines started to become blurry.
Suddenly, there were tender and gentle moments. Stealing kisses before leaving a room, no more backing away from touches, smiling at each other, falling asleep cuddling or generally seeking comfort in each other.
No. They were no longer just sex.
That's why it wasn't so shocking at all when Effie moved into his house, their house, a few months after the war. Together they rearranged his whole house. Effie planning things out and Haymitch putting the plans in action.
Suddenly it wasn't the house he lived in. No. It was home and not because his kitchen has a new wallpaper or the living room a new couch. It is home because the person he loves most is right under his roof, annoying the shit out of him and chiding him about manners.
Nearly six years, she has been living here and thankfully it seems like she doesn't want to leave. It probably became her home too.
Everybody in the whole town knows how Haymitch feels about the bubbly package of a woman and even though they were sceptical at first, now most of them fully opened up to Effie being here. They all know if Haymitch, Katniss and Peeta can trust her, maybe the town could try too.
After all, Effie certainly made sure to adapt to district twelve. Gone was the full face make up and gone were the crazy wigs and ridicules big dresses. She still wore bright colours, but no one seems to have a problem with that, not even Haymitch. It was truly depressing to watch her walking around in grey when they were in district 13, not at all like he wanted to see her. Haymitch can still remember how she threw her arms around his neck when he brought her some pink pieces of fabric.
"What are you smiling about?" a soft voice startles him out of his thoughts.
He totally forgot they were supposed to be making breakfast together. Effie stands right in front of him, her beautiful blue eyes looking at him with a sweet smile on her face.
His first instinct is to say 'nothing, princess.' or 'doesn't matter' but that's not true and as Haymitch looks at that pair of eyes, he knows she deserves truth. Always did, always will. It's time to break the spell of the words he isn't able to say.
Haymitch tried it over the years every now and then, most of the time after one of the very nasty fights. Arguments where both of them say things they don't mean, leading them to hurt each other's feelings. But every time he is about to do so, his lungs feel like all the air was knocked out of them, leaving him breathless and quiet.
'It's okay. I know you love me. You don't have to say it.' Effie would always whisper at night, when they lay in each other's embrace, but Haymitch knew that sometimes deep down, she would miss those three magical words. He saw it in her eyes every time the kids said them to each other.
He finally has to get over them. For Effie's sake and his own. Damn it, he is Haymitch Abernathy, Quarter Quell victor and one of the leading rebels in the war. He can't let this fear control him for the rest of his life.
Haymitch takes one deep breath, hearing his own heartbeat getting faster and louder. He closes his eyes, his chest tightening but this time he won't fail. He can't fail.
"I love you."
He counts to three, very slowly, before opening his eyes again, almost afraid something already happened. Like somebody snatched Effie away the second the syllables left his mouth. But she still stands at the same spot as before, the only difference being her eyes, who suddenly seem a lot brighter and glossier against the light.
Effie smiled, crossing the distance and pecking his lips, clearly trying to hold it together for him. "I love you too." She whispers.
Haymitch didn't even know his hands were firmly clenched in fists, till soft hands covered them, the tension slowly drifting away. He isn't finished yet though, this battle is not done yet. With shaky fingers, he cubs her cheeks, starring straight in her eyes and taking another breath before repeating the phrase slowly. Making sure to emphasise the middle part.
"I love you."
This time the blonde woman can't control a few happy tears from falling and he quickly wipes them away with his trembling thumb and pressing his forehead to hers, taking deep breaths.
"You don't have to push yourself into saying it, okay? I know how you feel and- "Haymitch doesn't let her finish.
"No." he says too rough, wincing. He repeats it a little more softly. "No. Knowing is not the same as hearing it. You need this." he says and before she opens her mouth to argue, he continuous. "I need this too. Can't let it control me forever, can I princess?"
"No, I guess not." She smiles and closing her lips around his in a gentle kiss. "Give yourself some time though, you don't have to say it multiple times a day. You are literally shaking right now. Fears need time to disappear, and I think we have a lot of that here. No need to rush." Effie whispers.
Haymitch nods and takes a tiny step back, wiping away the sweat that gathered on his forehead. He tries to collect his breaths, still trembling a bit. The whole situation seems so ridiculous, he can't help himself and starts chuckling.
"To be honest I thought you would be sweating for a whole other reason today." Effie giggled, winking at him.
That makes him calm down immediately. He knows she is trying to lighten the mood with one of the things that came natural to them. Flirting, teasing and pushing each other's buttons. They certainly never had problems with sex either, after all it's what brought them together in the first place.
"Well, we still gotta' make breakfast, princess." Haymitch smirks, appreciating the familiar flirting.
Effie is right. The words won't be rolling over his tongue like butter in just one day. It will take weeks, months, maybe even a few more years but today… it was a start. Today he stood up against his own devils and with each following day, good or bad, he will always go forward. Every day, one step closer to his goal. Closer to allowing himself to be happy.