Chapter 8
Audrey grimaced as Larisa released another rough cough. She was passing by her room that morning when she decided to pay her a visit. She took a peek at her room and found the old lady alone.
"How long have you been like that?" she asked. She observed how Larisa had lost so much weight since the last time she saw her, which was only a few days ago.
"Just a few days ago. They set some lab work, don't worry," she brushes off her concern.
"You should worry. Your immune system is weak during chemo," Audrey insisted. "How's the result?"
"Fine I think? I have some scans on sched today," she replied with a hoarse voice. "Enough about me," she paused to cough. "Tell me anything except the reason why I'm lying here. Entertain this old lady."
Audrey shakes her head with a small smile. "You're getting bored? You can ask someone to walk you around the hospital grounds,"
"On a wheelchair of course," she added before she complains of being tired all the time.
"Maybe," she thought about the idea. "Maybe I shouldn't have forced Kashal to leave all the time. My daughter can't stay in hospitals you know,"
Audrey just hummed in response.
Larisa let out a loud cough again and Audrey reached out to soothe her back. When the coughing stopped she gave her some water to sip.
"Thanks," she said, lying back to the bed again. "I only pushed my children away because they always give me those worried looks. Besides..." she paused looking at Audrey.
"Beside what?" she asked, sitting at the empty chair beside the bed.
"You don't come to see me when Kashal's around."
Audrey fell silent at her sharp observation. She looked at her former mother-in-law and thought about it. "I... I didn't..."
"Are you avoiding him?"
"No," came her quick response. "I was here... I saw him sometimes," she insisted.
"That's not what he tells me," the elder frowns.
"You two talk about me?" Audrey was amused at her discovery.
Larisa laughs weakly. "Oh you have no idea. Since meeting you again... He always asks about you, whether you came to see me or else. When you divorced I stopped hearing your name on his lips until now that we all met again."
"You know what? I don't think he stopped loving you when you broke up," Larisa shared after a moment.
Audrey was stuck speechless. She didn't know what or how to respond to that. It's been so long, she never thought about her failed marriage anymore. There wasn't a proper closure between her and Kashal. There were too many unsaid feelings she didn't dare to speak. So she had left it all in the past and never looked back.
Her silence prompted Larisa to continue. "Do you think you two could try again for a second chance?"
Audrey gave her a wry smile and lightly shook her head. "Larisa..."
She took Audrey's hand and squeezed it weakly. "My daughter has many friends and she'll be fine. Kashal however, is a bit of a loner. You know it. He hasn't changed a bit. I don't know how he will cope when I'm gone. I think I could rest in peace knowing someone will be beside him," she rambled her voice going melancholic.
"You're going to be fine Larisa," she tried to reassure her although she's not sure herself if she'll make it. This disease is a bit aggressive. "Stop worrying and just focus on your healing."
"Think about it Audrey..." she wouldn't let go until they heard a soft knock on the door. Neil's head peered inside.
"May I disturb you two?" he asked as he went inside the room. Audrey stood abruptly facing him. She backed away from the bed, making a silent permission for Neil to do his thing.
Neil inched closer to the patient but he was looking at Audrey trying to avoid his stare.
"They're here to take you to the lab," he simply said and soon enough Dr. Reznick and some staff arrived to take her.
While the others were busy, Audrey and Neil stood awkwardly facing each other. She finally meets his intense gaze when the others leave the room.
"I should go. Meetings as usual," she grimaced and left before Neil could respond to her. He sighed.
...
Audrey went back to her office. It was still early but she already feels exhausted just by the small talk with Larisa. She was thankful Neil arrived and interrupted their conversation. It gave her a chance to escape the talk. But it was a little too late to escape from the memories that came rushing back.
As she sat down in front of her desk, she can't help but remember her younger self sitting alone inside the resident's lounge room.
She and Kashal had a nasty fight and out of anger she decided to go back to St. Bonaventure to spend the night there. She's not escaping the argument but she was so tired from her 36 hours shift in the hospital, she just wants to rest.
She arrived in an empty lounge room. 'Must be a busy night' she thought. Going inside the quarters, she chose a bed and put her bag on it. She sat down and covered her face with her hands. She could have cried on the spot out of frustration but her instinct told her someone might arrive and she was crying. She couldn't let someone see her breaking down especially here at her workplace.
And she was right. Minutes later, she heard the door open. But she didn't move or tried to fix herself as she heard the light footsteps come nearer. That person must have seen the lights coming out from the inside and was curious on why it was open.
"Dr. Lim?" a deep voice called her.
She looked up and found herself staring at the worried face of her colleague.
"Dr. Melendez," she acknowledged. "You're still on duty tonight?"
"Yeah and you are not," he noted. "Why are you here?"
She didn't answer right away. She's not in the mood for some heart to heart talk about her personal life, particularly with him. Her professional friendship with him hasn't reached beyond their personal lives yet.
"Just want some peace and quiet," she shrugged.
Sensing her mood, he thought she didn't want to be disturbed tonight. But instead of awkwardly leaving her alone, he offered her to join him for a cup of coffee.
He walked out of the room to the lounge to fix two cups of coffee. He thought she wasn't going to take the offer but smiled when he heard quiet footsteps behind him.
When the coffee was done he took it, joining to sit inches away from her. Audrey gladly accepted the cup but didn't drink it right away.
Nobody talked that night. They just let the stillness of the night calm their exhausted selves. In the lounge room, it feels like time slows down to let them breathe. And when you go outside, life fills all the walls of St. Bonaventure through day and night.
Neil leaned his back comfortably on the sofa, his half empty cup in his right hand. He slightly glanced to his left and observed her. Audrey was sitting straight, her eyes closed as she smelled the coffee's aroma.
He senses she's having problems but he respects her privacy. If she's not comfortable to share it then he's content to give a quiet company for her.
He was about to lean his head back to the sofa when Audrey moved to take a sip on the cup.
"Sorry I didn't know what you like," Neil apologizes when she grimaced from the bitterness. "Thought you'd be one who likes it strong," he commented as he offered to replace her cup.
For the first time since she arrived Audrey let out a small smile. "I like sweet stuff you know,"
Neil smiles having learned another new thing about her.
Audrey was brought back from the daydream by someone placing a warm cup of coffee in her hands. She looked up meeting the smiling face of Neil.
"Looks like you need something warm. Brought some coffee to keep ourselves awake" He gestured at the stack of patient files he brought up for her to review.
Seeing the confusion turn into surprise on her face, he knew she forgot about the meeting with him. "Your assistant didn't remind you again?"
"She did," Audrey defended. "It just slipped out of my mind today." She stood up and led Neil to the larger table in her office. There he spread all the files they needed to discuss. She smells the coffee in her hand and sips at it, smiling in approval.
"It thought you would be down the lab with Larisa?" she asked. They sat down facing each other.
"They can handle it. Reznick will call me when the results are out."
Silence. Audrey grips the coffee cup in her hand. "It is not looking good."
Neil looks at her in question.
"Oh please. You could just take a look at her and see the answers yourself," she stressed. "You know the numbers. The survival rate for this is low,"
"Stop worrying and let's wait for the scans," he tries to reassure her but knows that she's right. "Let's hope that it's just some pneumonia and not a consequence of a relapse." Still, it bothered Audrey so Neil took the opportunity to ask something.
"Audrey," he called her name and she noticed the shift in his voice. "Can I ask a personal question?" Her silence means yes.
"Why did you and Kashal separate?" he asked holding her gaze.
Audrey was caught off guard by his question. She realized that Neil never dared to ask her directly about the details of her divorce. It's only fair for her to answer as she asked him before why his engagement with Jessica was called off.
It took a moment for her to formulate an answer to his unexpected inquiry. "Our careers didn't make it possible for us to make time with each other. That's the short explanation I tell anyone who asks," she played the ballpen with her fingers. "What they didn't know was lots of disappointments piled together over time."
She took a deep breath, "I didn't realize things were falling apart until he brought up the idea of divorce." She had just been thinking about that time a few moments ago. Neil was there offering silent company. It took years and a lot of trust and development between them before they get to the present time, sharing their lowest points of their lives.
"I was too busy being a third year resident that time," she glanced at him with a bitter smile.
Neil appreciated her honesty. He expected her to brush off his question and tell him they're inside the hospital and they got work to do. Now it's his turn to be honest.
"I overheard your conversation with Larisa," he confessed.
Audrey had a hunch about it. She met his eyes. She could read all the emotions Neil wanted her to know but can't speak out of fear of making the wrong move.
I'm jealous and afraid you're going back to him.
What about us?
Neil had thought that if they were able to find balance in their work relationship, they could try again. That is why he is trying his best to be good friends with her again.
"I left it all in the past. The divorce, the resentment, everything, even without proper closure. I wasn't on speaking terms with him until now, and I never really made an effort to fix that," she said trying to make him understand that she had moved on. "I just let it be,"
She reaches her hand out towards him. For a moment he thought she was about to hold his hand on the table but she takes the files instead. She held his gaze.
Stop worrying.
Let's focus on us. Let's fix this.
Let's just think about the present.
...
Audrey was hanging by the nurse's station one afternoon. She was reviewing a patient's chart when someone placed a box beside the clipboard she was reading. She glanced up to her side and saw Kashal.
"For you," he answered her confused face. "Cheesecake. Your favorite one,"
She eyed the cake suspiciously. "What for?"
"That's from mom. She says sorry for bugging you? Something that I don't have any idea about," he explained.
Audrey remembers their last encounter a few days ago. "Oh that? It's nothing. There's no need to apologize," she dismissed not actually meeting his eyes. She looked around them and silently thanked that there's no staff nearby. Or if someone was near, they were busy doing something. Gossips are frequent in the hospital about workmates and she doesn't want to be part of that.
"Whatever that is, please take this," he insisted, placing the box of sweet stuff on her hand. "It was bought for you."
Wanting to not get any more attention to them, she accepted the cake and mentally noted to thank Larisa later. She let out a heavy sigh when Kashal finally left her alone.
She looked down at the box on her hands and recognized the name of the cake. It was what he used to buy for her when they were still dating.
It's been a really long time since she tried that particular cake.
...
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