Chapter 10
Audrey could feel her heart beating anxiously as she walked towards Neil's office the following day. She had spent the night tossing and turning on her bed thinking of his actions the previous day. They really needed to talk before they completely blurred the lines between them. She figured she'd start her morning by stopping by early to talk to him.
She hesitated when she saw him talking with Dr. Blaize but her determination won in the end. As she pushed the door to his office, she caught the end of their conversation.
"...has metastasized to her organs. There's nothing that we can do anymore,"
"Did you inform her family?" Neil asked but his eyes went wide when he noticed Audrey standing beside the door.
"Sorry. Don't mind me," she waved them off. "Just here to discuss something with Dr. Melendez but you two can finish your thing first. I can wait," her eyes never left his worried ones.
"It's fine. I'm about to leave anyway," Dr. Blaize turned back towards Neil. "I'll go inform them." She excused herself leaving the two alone.
Silence enveloped the space between them, their eyes quietly trying to read each other's troubles.
"That was Larisa," she looked confused so Neil explained. "They moved her back to the intensive care unit last night,"
"Why?"
Neil told her the ordeal the night before led Larisa inside the ICU. If Audrey wasn't a doctor she wouldn't understand how fast Larisa's health deteriorated. She looked fine the last time she visited her. Now the disease is acting on its most aggressive form.
She was pulled from her thoughts when she felt a warm hand enveloping hers. She realized Neil had stepped closer to her when she didn't respond to him.
"You should go and see her," he softly whispered, his hand squeezing her cold one.
...
She wasn't able to see her upon reaching her room. Staff were busy inside and all she could do was stare beyond the glass walls.
A few minutes passed by and she heard soft footsteps near her. Turning to her left she saw Kashal.
His eyes were glued to his mother, pain evident on his face. She wants to comfort him for this inevitable loss but the last time she comforted someone over loss, it didn't go well. She doesn't know if she has the right to comfort him as well.
"They were asking me to sign it," Kashal broke the silence between them. Audrey heard it from Neil that they had talked about the DNR order with his mother.
"I'm sorry," was all she could say. Dealing with loss was already a hard one as a doctor, but what more if you knew the patient. Makes things more complicated and difficult.
"I don't want to," his eyes glassy with unshed tears. He watched as staff worked on her mother who was now so different from what she looked a week ago. She was already thin due to the treatments she had undergone for months. But hope was thin against the aggressive disease she faces. Cancer slowly ate her health. Now as she lie against her deathbed, she barely recognizes the people around her. Her words become unintelligible as the clock ticks by.
"I know as a doctor you'll say to me it's for the best... I understand that but, " he paused before confessing, "I'm not yet ready,"
"No one is ever ready when it comes to death," she replied. "but sometimes, we are faced with hard decisions. We let the people we love go to prevent more pain,"
Kashal met her eyes at her statement. She was confused. She couldn't read them, no not anymore. They no longer know each other the way it used to be. The eye contact lasted for a few more seconds before he turned back to enter his mother's room.
And all Audrey could do was watch with a heavy heart.
...
Late that night, as Audrey's shift was about to end, she was on the ICU floor again. She had a trauma patient that came in the ER that afternoon. She performed an emergency surgery for that patient which was the reason why she was on that floor.
Satisfied with the patient's stable condition, she exited the room and gave back the patient's chart to the nurse station. She passed by the waiting area and saw that it was almost empty except for one person.
Looking at him sitting alone inside the dark room - he looked so lonely. Audrey thought he was asleep but suddenly he raised his head and their eyes met.
With all the courage she had left, she approached him, not minding any staff that might see them. It was late already. Besides everyone is busy with their own business in that ICU.
She quietly sat two seats apart from Kashal. Neither talked for minutes, but the grief was loud enough for both to hear.
"I haven't had a good day with her," he broke the silence. Audrey looked at him confused. 'What do you mean?'
"I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a moment with her. I had spent my everyday life in a repeated routine for years. I was always busy at work, trying to build and maintain my career. I always thought of the future, thinking of different possibilities, but I never thought of losing mom," he admitted in a low voice, his eyes downcast. "I had lived while expecting her to be always there, that's because she was always there for me... even when I wasn't."
Audrey listened to him pour his heart out and somehow she could relate to him, even though she hasn't lost anyone to death.
"It hurt for me to see her in pain. All those machines and medicines they give her, Audrey..." he looked her in the eye. "I can't see that. But you are used to it. You see patients like my mom. I can't imagine how you do that and not break,"
He paused for a second, trying to control the tears forming in his eyes. He can't in front of his ex wife even in this situation.
"I gave my consent to the doctors," he revealed.
"I'm sorry this is happening to you," she offered against the anticipated grief he is dealing with. No words could comfort the grieving but Audrey thought the least thing she could do was to give her silent support. After all, Larisa treated her nicely even after the divorce.
Nobody talked for minutes. They could hear the beeping machines from the ICU signalling the fragile lives that lay inside. It was unusually quiet that night. No code blues that alerts the staff. No new admissions or transfers that require delicate care.
It was simply quiet.
"We let the people we love go to prevent more pain," he echoed her words earlier breaking the short silence between them. "When you said that, I thought it was absurd."
"Why would you let someone you love go? Instead, we should prevent their death, their pain, the best that we could do. But then I saw her and I felt weak and helpless. There wasn't anything I could do," he released a sigh. "Just when I thought I couldn't let go, I released I've done it before,"
Kashal looked at her again and bravely asked, "Have you wondered why we broke up?"
She looked at him incredulously at the sudden mention of their past. "We can't work it out because of our work," her eyes fixed on him. "That was the impression it had on me,"
He let out a bittersweet smile, "I can't let you choose between me and your career."
"And you choose your career though," her voice was sharp.
"Would you have chosen me if I asked you?"
Audrey thought for a moment before looking away. She didn't know the answer to that. That was a long time ago and it was before she had established a career in her present workplace.
"See? I can't do that to you. It's unfair,"
"What happened was unfair. You made the decision. You didn't give us a fighting chance," she retaliated.
"We would end up resenting each other if one gave way for the other. We would still break apart," he replied. "But I admit I was wrong for not communicating with you. It's years late but Audrey," he called her name softly while holding her hand. He slightly caresses the finger where her wedding band used to be. "I'm really sorry for letting our relationship go like that,"
She stared down at their joined hands. Her eyes were a little bit glassy but no tears would dare fall down in front of him. He didn't deserve to see her crumble. The feelings of hurt and disappointment she had long forgotten resurfaced again. It was the closure she had been looking for so long. But it was years late. Her failed relationship had prevented her from opening her heart again to others, not until recently.
"Why are you suddenly mentioning this?" she whispered.
He let go of her hand and looked straight ahead to the direction of his mother's room. "We let the people we love go to prevent more pain," he repeated. "When you said that, I remember a love that I reluctantly let go,"
"I realized we never had a decent talk about what happened. We just drifted apart but the tension was there. No fights, no tears, just us with our mask on while signing the divorce papers. And then after that we pretended nothing had happened."
"I owe you an apology. You deserve to hear it," he told her.
She didn't speak but acknowledged it with a light nod.
"I hope you never come to a point where you have to choose between love or career again. And if it happens, please choose your happiness even if it means choosing both. Live the life you want. We have only one chance here on earth," his eyes still sadly staring in the ICU.
...
Neil also stayed late that night due to a long surgery procedure. He had some papers due for the Chief's signature so he asked his intern to bring it in her office but when he heard that she's still inside the hospital he figured he'd deliver it himself.
The hallway was quiet but it was nothing unusual in that part of the hospital. Audrey's secretary was long gone so he knocked on her door before opening it. Her office was dimly lit. She was sitting on the sofa leaning forward with both of her hands covering her face.
"Audrey?" he called softly.
Realizing that she wasn't alone, she sat up straight wiping her face quickly. He could only see her back but he knew that she was crying.
He approached her slowly, giving her time to compose herself if she didn't want to be seen in her fragile state. He placed the papers he was holding on the table before sitting beside her.
Eventually she turned to him so Neil said, "I just dropped by to have you sign those papers,"
"You need it now?"
"On Monday. You have some time to review it,"
"Okay."
He could have left after that but Neil watched her avoid his eyes so he couldn't help but ask. "Do you want to talk about it?"
She knew he would ask and honestly Audrey was fine it's only him who saw her letting her guards down.
"I know I suck at handling my grief before. I did say things that hurt you but I learned my lesson. Let me make it up to you now," with that he carefully held her hand. He gauge her reaction and when she didn't resist he started rubbing comforting circles on her palm.
"I'm sad about Larisa but I wasn't crying because of that," she opened up after a while. She met his questioning eyes and gave him a sad smile. "Kashal just apologized to me… for breaking up with me."
"He told me the reason why and honestly, even though it's been so long, it felt like a heavy weight from my past had been lifted."
Neil gave her a smile. He was happy for her even if he's slightly uncomfortable with the idea of her and ex husband having an intimate talk.
"Was it weird that it made me cry? I usually don't cry easily," she questioned herself.
"No no. That happens when you lock unresolved issues in you for so long," he consoled. "Just cry and then afterwards you'll finally feel better."
"I'm done crying. I don't wanna dwell on that any longer," she sniffed, wiping the last of her tears. "Besides there's more tears to shed soon," she said thinking of Larisa.
"Yes. And you shouldn't spend your birthday in a gloomy mood though," he tries to cheer her up. "Take a break from all of this this weekend."
"I'll just spend it at home this time,"
"I know you'd say that. Come with me tomorrow Aud. I'll bring you somewhere you can unwind and feel better," Neil was anxious if she will accept his invitation. A weekend with her was too forward in his plan to bring back their good friendship. Audrey might think I'm rushing her.
She caught his eyes and saw all the feelings he had been patiently restraining for her. She recognizes those feelings. She feels them too. 'Live the life you want,' she hears Kashal's voice in her head.
She's been putting her career first all her life, and now she's living it in the position she dreamt of. But her happiness doesn't stop there and she knows what is missing. It's time to work for that missing piece in the life that she wants.
"Okay," she agreed.
Neil beamed in happiness.
This was the hardest chapter to write for personal reasons so sorry for the late update. Next one will be happier I promise.