Chapter five

Ed swallowed as Mustang left the room and the phone began ringing. When the Colonel said that they needed to make a personal and therefore private phone call, the over-enthusiastic nurses had directed them to an empty doctor's office. Now Ed was sitting in the wheelchair with his head swimming with everything that was happening. He was actually going to be stuck with the Colonel for years, and not as his boss, but as his fucking guardian.

Mustang had offered to inform the Rockbells himself about what had happened now that the current situation and living arrangements were established, but Ed had refused.

After all, if anybody deserved to be chewed out and hit with an infinite number of wrenches, it was Ed. After everything that he had done, after getting his brother killed, leaving it to someone else to tell them would be cowardly.

This was his own fault and not owning up to it was an insult to his brother.

Ed just didn't know whether he should start with telling them about Al or telling them that he had broken his automail arm as he had managed to knock off the outer plating back at the factory during his fights and then accidentally shred some of the wires, just to postpone breaking their hearts a little longer. Plus, his automail didn't matter compared to Al, so telling them about it first might be wrong too, but he needed them to come repair it even so. The leg was supposedly okay, but Ed knew how much Winry hated it if someone other than herself tinkered with his automail, which included not having her check it out and reattaching it "correctly". He still had a scar behind his left ear from when the military hospital mechanic fixed up his leg four months ago in order for Ed to actually be able to get from East City to Resembool without having his ankle break down on him. But no, apparently what Ed should have done was to have the leg detached all together to not put any strain on it and come straight back to Resembool on a pair of crutches.

"Rockbell Prosthetic Limb Outfitters," came the familiar voice in his ear, and Ed suddenly felt the urge to just slam the receiver down because he couldn't tell Winry that Al was gone. He couldn't do that to her.

"H-hey, W-Winry…" Ed said, hearing the shakiness in his voice from the barely contained tears.

"Ed? Don't tell me you broke —?!" She didn't finish, however, because that was the point where Ed couldn't stop a sob from escaping his throat, even if he did fight off the rest of them for now. The way Winry thought everything was normal was really just the final straw. Especially as Ed realised that even if he could imagine Winry's worried face, he would never get to see it again. He wouldn't get to see Granny or Den or the green fields or Mom's grave. Everything was black and Al was gone. "Ed?! What's wrong?! What's going on?!"

Ed could only whisper because his voice was failing him. "It's my fault, Winry … He … He f-fell into a pool a-and … his b-blood seal …"

Ed heard a sharp intake of breath and he knew instinctively that tears were running down her cheeks.

"I-I tried to get him b-back, a-and I did, but …" Ed had to pause again, the pain in his chest too much.

"But what, Edward?!" Winry said urgently, obviously losing her composure, and Ed heard that same shakiness in her voice that he had himself. "What's wrong with Al?!" she said urgently.

"He … Winry … I'm so sorry … He … He's back to being a … a newborn…" Ed said before his lips began trembling uncontrollably. "He-he's g-got his b-body, b-b-but he's l-l-lost everything e-else." He was trying desperately not to begin sobbing in full as he sniffed loudly.

Winry gasped, her voice choked by tears. "How i-is that even p-possible?"

"I ma-made an … an e-exchange," Ed said in a wheezy whisper.

"Ed… Wh-what d-did y-you p-p-pay th-this t-t-time?" she stuttered after a few seconds and Ed could hear the fear in her voice building.

Ed had really hoped it wouldn't come up so quickly and that she wouldn't have reached that conclusion so soon. Telling her about Al was bad enough, but actually voicing the fact that he was blind, that he was never going to see his little brother grow up and that Ed would spend the rest of his life in darkness, made everything so much more real to him. Besides, he didn't matter compared to Al, never had and especially now that he had got him killed. "Eyes…" he whispered into the phone. It was all he could say if he was to have any chance to not to break down in sobs.

There was a sharp gasp at the other end of the line. "Wh-what d-do y-y-you m-m-mean, E-Ed?" she said, obviously trying to clutch at non-existent straws.

Ed took a shaky breath himself. "M-my eyes, Winry … th-they're gone."

"Edward…" she said weakly.

Then Ed could only listen as she broke down into loud sobs as he cried silently himself, the never-ending darkness seeming so much more pressing.

"Give me the phone, Winry," Ed suddenly heard Granny say and it made him feel even more helpless. "What do you need, Ed? Are you in East City?"

"Y-yeah."

"Then we'll take the night train and pick you two up around noon tomorrow and bring you home," Granny said reassuringly, but Ed could hear that she too was having trouble containing her tears.

Although her words were reassuring except for the fact that that wasn't an option. "You can't…" Ed whispered, wishing he had a second hand so that he could wipe his running nose.

"What do you mean, Ed?" Her voice was both stern and soft at the same time.

Ed took a few deep breaths, trying to focus on keeping his tears under control while letting his anger at the situation overcloud his grief to make this just a bit easier. "Führer Bradley's decided that the Colonel is our legal guardian now… The hospital refuses to send us with you because they fear for me and Al's safety… Apparently we need a bodyguard." Ed couldn't tell her that the hospital saw Granny unfit because Ed was disabled, Al was a baby and Granny was small and old.

Ed heard her grunt, obviously not pleased. "We're still coming even so."

The way Granny said it like it was the most natural thing in the world, even after what Ed had done, made another sob escape him. "Th-thank you… I n-need your help… My automail arm's broken a-and my leg's been detached too," Ed said.

For once, Winry didn't yell at him, even if he knew that she would have heard him because there was no way she wasn't listening in.

"That's all right, Edward, we'll bring the tools, don't you worry. Is Alphonse healthy?"

Ed felt another sharp burst of pain in his chest at that. "Y-yeah… Th-they say he's i-in perfect h-health." Ed took another few steadying breaths, collecting himself. "A friend of the Colonel and his wife are helping out… they have a daughter who's eleven months old, so they know about … about n-newborns."

"Good, Edward, then your little brother is being taken care of, so now you need to let them take care of you."

Ed felt his chest constrict even further at that. "G-Granny, you don't understand … I got him … I got him killed … I-I … I fucked up his life again! … I trapped him in that metal hell for two years and now he doesn't even know who he is or what's going on and it's MY fault! I made him like this! He's got his body back and he can't even enjoy it! He doesn't even know who I am or who Mom is or who you are! It's all my fault! ALL MY OWN DAMN FAULT!" Ed so desperately wanted to make them understand what he'd done. He needed someone to get angry with him. He wanted them to blame him because he didn't deserve their kindness and their help. He deserved to be punished for all the shit he'd done.

"Edward! Stop talking like that!" Granny said sharply, but Ed cut her off before she could continue.

"NO! I GOT HIM KILLED! IF I HAD JUST WAITED FOR BACKUP OR HAD REFUSED TO BRING HIM ALONG, THEN THIS WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED! AL SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN THERE! I FAILED HIM! I DIDN'T PROTECT HIM FROM FALLING INTO THAT POOL AND WHEN I TRIED TO BRING HIM BACK, I FUCKED THAT UP TOO! I'M THE WORLD'S BIGGEST SCREWUP AND HE GOT TO SUFFER FOR IT! I'M USELESS! I GOT HIM KILLED NOT JUST ONCE, BUT TWICE!" Ed shouted into the phone.

"LISTEN HERE, SHRIMP! YOU ARE NOT USELESS, ALPHONSE IS NOT DEAD, BUT HE IS STILL YOUR BROTHER AND IF YOU PUSH HIM AWAY BECAUSE YOU'RE A SELF-PITYING PIPSQUEAK, THEN THAT'S WHEN YOU FAIL HIM!" Granny yelled.

Ed felt like she'd just stabbed him in the chest with her words. "Granny—"

"Edward, if you push your brother away, all you will be telling him as he grows up is that he used to be better before. Are you really going to do that?"

Ed felt a sob escape him. "N-no."

"That's right. Now where is it that we'll find you tomorrow?"

"I'm being moved to the infirmary at East HQ later today, they're keeping me in overnight for observation."

"Then we'll meet you there."

Ed was still stunned by her words, by her kindness, but his mind was still functioning enough for him to offer a bit of help in return. "I-I'll ask for someone to pick you up at the train station."

Granny grunted in confirmation.

"I-I'm so sorry, Granny…" Ed said quietly.

"Just do as I told you and let the others take care of you. We'll be there tomorrow. Now go get some rest because you're sure as hell going to need it. Newborns aren't easy the first few weeks, whether you're the one who feeds it or you just live under the same roof."

Ed took a few shaky breaths. "Th-thank you."

"There's no need, kid, now get some rest."

The phone was hung up at the other end and Ed had to try a few times to put the phone back, knocking it off the desk by mistake, making it beep annoyingly while out of his reach. "Dammit!"

Ed really felt more useless than he had ever done before. Earlier when he had attacked the Colonel, all he had proven was that even when he tried to help out his baby brother, he'd just fucked things up again and nearly got himself arrested. Because he wasn't suited to take care of Alphonse, he never had been, and he had proven it for everyone to see this time. He remembered after the transmutation failed and he was stuck in the wheelchair and he had thought that that would be the lowest point in his life. When he was unable to move around on his own and had trapped his brother in a living hell, he really thought it couldn't have got any worse. Then he got his automail and he had suddenly had a purpose. He had been working to get Al his body back.

Now…

…Now he was a blind cripple who wasn't even allowed to hold his baby brother because he only had one arm and no eyes. And once he got his automail back, the nurses had told him that he'd have to heat his automail arm with a warm towel or similar and disinfect it thoroughly before he could hold Al and he wasn't even allowed to do that unsupervised.

Ed pulled his knee up to his chest and hugged it tightly to him.

"I'm sorry, Al," Ed whispered, the darkness around him drowning him. "So sorry."

Then everything inside his chest and stomach seemed to implode and he let out a wail as he tilted sideways in the wheelchair, his strength leaving him as he curled up in his seat, leaning his head on the armrest.

Then he sobbed.

Pinako looked at the phone as she put it down, her chest tight, still hugging Winry who was currently sitting on the floor, sobbing, with her head pressed to her stomach. Pinako gently ran her fingers through her granddaughter's hair, tears pressing in her own eyes. Never before had she heard Ed call himself useless.

He needed help. And although Pinako may not be their guardian anymore, she would still do what she could. They were still practically her grandsons. That would never change.

But Ed needed someone who could really teach him not to feel useless despite his blindness and his now newborn brother. And there was no way, considering what she knew of their training, that their teacher didn't know a few things about what to do to make Ed regain some of his confidence.

Knowing that Ed wasn't going to like it, at least not at first, Pinako opened the drawer under the table and pulled out the little notebook and riffled through it until she came upon the number she had written down a few years ago. She dialled the number and picked up the phone again, still stroking Winry's hair, waiting for the click of someone picking up the phone at the other end of the line.

"Curtis Butcher Shop," came a female voice that Pinako only vaguely recognised.

"Hello, this is Pinako Rockbell, am I speaking with Izumi Curtis?"

"Rockbell…? Is this about the Elrics?" Pinako could hear her voice grow stern, but there was a faint trace of worry too. Pinako knew that Ed and Al hadn't seen her since they finished their training, and that she was obviously pissed off by Ed becoming a State Alchemist. "Who's crying?"

"Yes, it's about the boys. I would like to ask you a favour, Mrs. Curtis," Pinako said, knowing that she would have to tell the full story soon, although leave out the parts about the attempts at human transmutation.

"What's this about, Mrs. Rockbell?"

"If you wouldn't mind, I'd like you go to East City to knock some sense into my grandson's head."

And thank you all so much for your reviews and please keep them coming!

(But no flames, they're really uninspiring)