Chapter 32

BPOV

The rejection stung…coupled with the fact that it happened in the woods, just like when Edward said I wasn't good for him, made it even worse. I just kept putting one foot in front of another before I realized I was spiraling down the same rabbit hole I did the day he left me in the woods. I stopped and took a few deep breaths, wiping the tears and snot off my face, trying to get my bearings on where I was. I hadn't been to this particular part of the woods before and started to panic; but then I remembered, I'm not that helpless little girl Sam had to carry out of the woods anymore. I could find my way just about anywhere now; I wasn't going to be stumbling around in the dark like when Edward left me to the wolves, literally.

Did it hurt? Fuck yes, more than I really thought it would. I hadn't realized I had become so attached to him and cared so much about how he felt about me… But I didn't need him. I wanted him… but didn't need him. And in this world, things you wanted didn't come before what was needed. I started to head in the right direction, my mind unable to put his half-finished explanations behind me... 'Look girl, you and me ain't' …what? Ain't going to happen, probably.' No, I ain't', No I ain't interested in you like that, and 'You don't …' you don't do it for me. My brained filled in his half assed explanations, unable to help the sting of pain that accompanied them. Best thing to do was to block it all out… I had things to focus on, shit to do. I didn't need him anyway; but how my heart and body longed for him, even after going through the shredder.

I thought his body was warm; the heat that came from his mouth was the best kind of burn there could be in this life. I could still feel the roughness from his 5'oclock shadow, and the way his muscles moved under his skin. The gentle grip of his large hands, when he grabbed my hair… wait, he did kiss me back. He was the one to deepen the kiss, going as far as to suck on my lip… and that just about did it for me, I never knew something so simple could feel so good. He probably just wanted to see if kissing me would change his mind on that front, but it didn't. I had barely ever been kissed in my whole life, what we had just done was the farthest I had ever gone… I'm sure my lack of experience was evident to man like him. He was probably pushing 30 years old I thought, there was no telling the kind of experience he actually had. He probably didn't want the hassle, hence the pushing away.

Maybe, just maybe, I should've taken Paul up on his offer to show me the ropes of 'everything sexual' as he put it. Everyone knew Paul Lahote was the biggest man whore of La Push, even of Forks and Port A when he could get a ride there; but I couldn't see myself doing that with someone just to satisfy my curiosity. Lord knows he's a beautiful specimen to look at, all of them were, walking around half naked with washboard abs; but that was the other reason, he was part of the pack. Not only would it have ripped a huge hole in the pack, he was destined to imprint on someone, someone that wasn't me. Jacob would have lost his shit, because for whatever reason he still thought he might imprint on me one day; I would catch him staring in my eyes, like he could force it to happen. To this day, he still thinks my bite from James is blocking him, but I don't like him in that way.

Now, Paul, if he had imprinted on me, he would've fought it tooth and nail. He hated me for the longest time, until one day we hashed it out. It wasn't pretty, but luckily the bottle, or bottles, of liquor he had that day at a party kept him from really losing his temper with me. I think he finally got me, and had a better understanding of everything instead of seeing it in everyone else's mind. Jake thought about me all the time according to the rest of the pack, so I guess if I was Paul I would hate me too. Jake wouldn't talk to me for like 3 days after Paul made his offer with a wink.. like he thought I was going to take him up on it or it was somehow my fault he offered. He later apologized but it was things like that I couldn't stand; jealousy and control issues were something I hoped to avoid in any future relationship. So Paul and I had a weird friendship, but he was nice to talk to. I was also happy not to be imprinted on; though their love seemed beautiful and pure, I wanted to be chosen, not picked by fate.

Daryl though, I could've seen that going all the way, had he allowed it, or wanted it. But here I was, just over 20 years old and no luck in that department. Maybe my standards were just too high, lord knows Mike Newton wanted to; he basically would hump my leg when I was around, those words coming from the minister's daughter herself, Angela. I knew my looks weren't anything to run home about; my breast weren't overly large, I was fairly short at 5'4, and I didn't put a lot of effort toward my outward appearance. But I was fit, strong, and smart. What did his opinion matter? If I could just get it out of my mind…

Coming up to the bunker, I was relieved; like it had all the answers to my problems, but I knew, somewhere in the back of my mind, it didn't. Still, shutting and locking the door, locking the rest of the world out, seemed like a great idea at the time. I ripped off the medical boot, throwing it across the room, good riddance; so what if it was a day early, I couldn't stand it anymore. Ripping my clothes off, I headed for the shower and let the warm water run over me until it grew too cold to stand, like it could wash the memories of today away. I didn't know how I could see Daryl and not feel like shit; I knew hunting with him wouldn't be the same anymore. I was probably just a bother there too; so I wouldn't go to the meet spot anymore, like he would show up anyway. I knew he wasn't cruel hearted or intentionally mean though, making this feeling even worse. He genuinely didn't want me like that; he couldn't help how he felt, just like I couldn't.

So taking myself out of the picture would probably make him more comfortable. I was pretty sure he liked being friends with me, but I couldn't let go of what happened today just yet. Instead of making him uncomfortable with my longing puppy dog eyes, I would just avoid seeing him for the time being. Maybe it would help us both; he could forget about me throwing myself at him and I could push away my feelings of longing for him, or at least put a lid on them so they wouldn't affect our friendship anymore. But for now… I just couldn't. It hurt. Bad. The pain from Edward was numbing, probably due to the vampire lure being in effect, but this was hurting me on all fronts. My body missed his warmth and my mind just wanted to hear him laugh again. Just to have him look at me the same way he did right before the kiss….

I still had my duty to help feed the prison with wild game, and the side jobs from Alice. I would make some time for Sofia and the others when I could, preferably when Daryl was hunting. I felt like it would be embarrassing if he was there, like everyone would know he turned me down. Even though I knew he wouldn't tell anyone and no one else was around, they would put it together eventually. What if he was avoiding me too? Everyone was sure to notice, after all, we spent almost every day together. No, it was better to keep busy; I had a lot to do anyway.

Today though, was an event we were both supposed to attend. The Thanksgiving meal everyone was so excited about, was happening at sunset and I was expected to be there. I took a deep breath and decided I could do this. I would go. I wasn't a little puppy that couldn't take no for an answer, nor was I going to let this break my spirit. I was stronger now, I could hold myself together alone. I grabbed a pair of new jeans and a slightly dressier black top, after all Beth said to wear your finest dinner clothes and I sure as hell wasn't wearing a damn dress. After putting on my holsters and my new boots, I moved to my hair. Not wanting to try too hard, I just brushed it out and rebraided it. After putting some lotion on my face I called it done, I wasn't about to chance any mascara, waterproof or not.

It was still a while before I needed to leave and my nerves were at an all-time high. What would I do if they wanted us to sit together, what if someone asked me what was the matter with us or why we were acting differently…. An anxiety attack seemed to be approaching fast, when something on the top of the cupboard across the room caught my eye. Liquor; whiskey I think it was. I couldn't figure out what to do with it when I found it in one of the totes so I put it up there. Liquid courage is what everyone called it, isn't it? So why not, if it could make things go smoother. Climbing up and grabbing it, I set it on the table over my bed. I never really had a drink before, besides a sip of beer at a party Jessica Stanley was throwing and that was just to look sociable. Weirdly enough, it was Charlie who told me that little trick; but then he followed up with the' if anyone underage is drinking' speech and about all the room he had in the jail to let them sleep it off while calling their parents. The beer had been nasty, probably the cheapest thing she could get her older sister to buy, so I was a little worried about the Jack Daniels in front of me.

I may have never had a real drink before, but before today I hadn't ever had a French kiss either; so fuck it, maybe it would help me let go and be more relaxed like Paul. I unscrewed the lid and took a swig. I almost spit it back up, but I forced myself to swallow it. It was awful, maybe I should've mixed it with something to take the edge off, but then I would just have to taste it longer. So forcing down another swig, I decided to look at the laptop Alice left for me to the time. What I found made me want to cry some more and laugh all at the same time; videos that she or Jasper had taken of me with the family were loaded on the computer, hundreds of them. Clicking on one, it was me yelling at Emmett and accusing him of cheating on Mario Cart. I could see his dimples with his smile; he probably thought it was the greatest thing ever, me losing it over a game, instead of being poised and proper. When the video ended, I reached out to touch his face that was still on the screen, knowing that was the only place I would ever see him again. Reaching for the bottle I took another swig, it going down a lot easier than the other two. And so it went on like that video after video… until I just blacked out.

Waking up was an excruciating experience, my mouth was dry and my head hurt. Reaching for the bottle on the table to get a drink without thinking, I drank some more of the whiskey. After swallowing it in a coughing fit, I remembered what I was supposed to be doing. Setting the computer to the side, I holstered my guns and grabbed my bo staff. I figured it would be better for me at the moment, considering I still felt a little wobbly and intended to use it as a walking stick too. My master would've been pissed… Taking another small swig, I put the lid on before heading out. The bottle wasn't even a third of the way down; I wonder if that was considered being a lightweight or not.

Opening the door, I was met with darkness; not like the sun had just set darkness but, probably 3 or 4 in the morning. FUCK! I missed the damn dinner. Trying to think of something to do until I could go hunt, away from Daryl, I grabbed the computer again. My head started to feel better after another sip. So, being sure to not drink too much too fast, I had a little more. After what I guessed to be a couple hours, I decided to go hunt. I still wanted my bo staff though, so I crossed my bow over my chest along with the quiver for when I needed them. Opening the door, I was relieved that the sun was just barley starting to peek out from the horizon. Locking the door, I headed for the area I came from yesterday, avoiding the meet up spot by a good mile.

Hunting was pretty good. Even though I had to brace myself to take my shots to keep from wobbling, I was still spot on. No wonder everyone liked to drink so much. I was feeling happy and proud of my accomplishment and my mind never wondered; just focused on the task at hand and staying up right. The dead were only a slight bother, but they had also given me a chance to practice my with my bo staff. I was a little rusty, and a little unstable, but I did just fine; something else to be proud and happy about. I approached the prison from the tree line with a smile on my face, a smile that grew when I saw Glenn at the gate. Taking down a zombie that was in my way, I kept going towards him, saying "Hey Glenn!" with a excited wave. His questioning glace didn't really register with me, but maybe I was just slightly over enthusiastic.

"Hi, Bella, how are you doing?" He asked after hesitating. "OH, I'm fine. Sorry I missed dinner… you know me, stuff to do and all that" I rambled on. I untied the rope with my kills, some squirrels and a rabbit, and held them out for him "Here, I brought some lunch… ya'll are going to have to skin them up though… Can you tell Sofia and the others that I'll be around… sometime… I have some stuff I need to do and…" I snapped my mouth shut as he leaned closer and inhaled. "Jesus, are you drunk?" he asked with a stunned look. "No, your drunk" I told him with a laugh, finding the situation funny. Glenn looked like he didn't really know how to approach the situation, handle it much less. Lucky for him, we were soon interrupted, unlucky for me. Rick approached, but I really didn't give a shit. Damn I must really be pretty drunk.

"What's going on Glenn?" He asked, ignoring me completely. "Uh, Bella was just bringing us some stuff to cook up for lunch" Glenn answered him with a nervous looking smile; even I raised a brow at that. Rick finally turned to look at me, "We missed you at dinner yesterday, Daryl drug a deer in by himself." I winced slightly at the mention of Daryl, but I was able to brush it off surprisingly fast, "What do you mean by 'We' because I know you sure as hell didn't miss me" I said nonchalantly while straightening out my shirt with one hand and balancing on my stick with the other. Glenn looked shocked at my outburst and Rick, well, he looked a little surprised himself. Then he leaned forward slightly, taking a deep breath while Glenn winced in the background. I couldn't help but grin at him, I didn't give a flying fuck what he thought.

"You're drunk?" he asked. So I answered him the same way I did Glenn, "No, your drunk" still with the big ass smile on my face. "How old are you?" letting the cop in him show. I snorted a laugh and said "Look around… does it matter?" while gesturing grandly to the dead coming up to the fence, some falling in the holes that we dug, which I navigated surprisingly well by the way. Then things went to shit, ruined my good buzz I had going; with a disapproving glare on his face he reached out to grab me. My gun came up faster though, cocked and pointed right between his eyes, all the while Glenn looked like he was going to have a panic attack. "Do Not Fucking Touch Me" I said, deadly serious; the smile had dropped as soon as he started to reach for me, "I may be a little drunk, but my aim is spot on" I threatened, nodding to my kills in Glenn's hands. He gave them a slight glance before backing away hands raised, "I have some shit to do, so I'm walking out of here, no matter what anyone says on the matter. Got it?" I said, slowly back up towards the gate, glancing slightly behind me to make sure there was no dead around.

My bo helped me significantly with that, trying to walk backwards was not an easy task at the moment. Once I reached the gate, I uncocked and holstered my gun, turning to leave them to whatever fuckery they had to do that day. Reaching in the small bag I had brought along, I pulled out the Jack taking a few long swigs; then proceeded to belt out a few lines from a song I listened to earlier. "I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut, my weakness is , that I care too much" dropping off to a loud hum for the next few line when I was entering the tree line, I took a few more swigs before yelling out the next part, "Drunk and I'm feeling down, and I just want to be alone!, fuck" my hair got snagged on a tree branch causing me to drop the Jack; and as if a sign from above telling me to cut that shit out, it shattered on a rock…Like the only fucking rock around on the forest floor. Dammit Alice, I hope you didn't have anything to do with that... Well, shit. I busted out laughing for a moment before scowling at the tree branch while trying to tug my hair free; the whole situation was ridiculous, and I was glad to be out of view of the prison at least. Aggravated with the situation at hand, I reached for my knife, slicing a good 4 or 5 inches of my braid off because I was too frustrated to spend time untangling it.

I guess I really did need to straighten up, considering it's the apocalypse and all. It just felt nice to not worry about anything for a day; to let go and act my age for once. Renee always said I was like an old lady living in a teenage body, always getting on to her about wasting money and driving too fast. And maybe I was, but I liked to have the electric bill paid and not worrying about her to getting arrested for not paying her speeding tickets. She was just a free soul and I an old one, but we did well together. I didn't know where I was going, but I just kept on walking. My buzz had come back pretty strong from the last few swigs before the bottle got smashed, but my thoughts were still trying to take over, turning me into a depressed drunk. It was kind of funny how I couldn't walk all that straight, but I had no problem killing the dead with my bo; it still felt nice to use something I really loved in martial arts and I decided to start bringing out my other weapons every now and again.

I eventually came up to an old back woods mechanic shop that was in decent shape for being out in the middle of BFE. Deciding it couldn't hurt to take a look around; I tapped on the door, listening for anything moving around. Not hearing anything, I went in and started to look around the shop. Something felt off as soon as I crossed the threshold… not knowing what, I pulled my gun and balanced on my bo in my left hand. I didn't see or hear anything out of the ordinary; the shop just smelled like an old dusty garage, probably abandoned since the start. Just as I was about to go into the office area, I heard something clanking around, almost like chains rattling. Proceeding with caution, I turned the corner quickly with my gun raised; to say what I saw didn't shock the shit out of me would be a bold faced lie.

There were two of the dead in chains; they didn't have a bottom jaw or any teeth, and no arms. The chain was wrapped around an old hitch ball mounted to the counter, like they do in pet shops; and they seemed to just be standing around shuffling their feet, waiting on their owner to come claim them… Speaking of owner, there was fresh blood on the floor, trailing to behind the counter. Being as quiet as I could be, which wasn't all that quiet being partially drunk and carrying all the shit I had, I peeked around the corner I was surprised to find a woman with dread locks passed out in a pool of blood. Checking my surrounds once more, I bent down cautiously, pulling the katana from her hand, before checking her pulse. She was alive, but she needed some help quickly. I pulled her shirt up where the blood was pooling and saw a large stab wound; her abdomen wasn't swollen indicating there wasn't any internal bleeding, or it wasn't very bad, yet.

I had gone soft, forgotten why I did things the way I did before I met this group. I had stop hiking my pack around when I would hunt with Daryl and now I didn't have it, along with all my medical supplies because I was too drunk to recall that anything can happen when you're out there, always be prepared. Getting up quickly, I checked the tiny bathroom they had and came up empty. The shop had to have some kind of first aid kit; it didn't appear anyone had been to this place yet because the vending machines were still full, so I didn't think anyone had taken it yet. Going back to behind the counter, I ripped some things out of drawers as quietly as I could in a rush, finding nothing yet again. Just as I was about to give up something red caught my attention from the floor, from under a giant pile of porn magazines no less. Kicking those off, I found a kit. It was about as basic as you could get unfortunately, but it was enough to pack the wound to stem the bleeding until I could take her back to the bunker.

When I went back over to her and lifted her shirt, her hand grabbed my wrist. Looking up I saw her eyes were slightly open, "Look, I'm just trying to help you the best I can right now, I'm a little drunk still but by the time we get back to my place, I should sober up enough to do any surgery if you need it." There I went, rambling on again. Her eyes went big at the mention of me being drunk and doing surgery, but she was too weak to fight me on it and passed out once more. After packing the wound and taping her up, I tried to figure out just how in the hell I was going to get her back to the bunker. I walked back out to the garage to see if anything seemed drivable, when a yellow steel utility cart caught my eye. It had big tires for outdoor use and a wagon like handle on it to pull it around. It was better than me trying to fix any of these cars because let's face it, I didn't pay all that much attention in Jake's garage; I didn't know jack shit about a motorcycle much less a car. Dumping all the junk out of the wagon, I threw a car cover in the bottom to try and make it at least a little more comfortable.

Loading her up was a challenge that involved a lot of stumbling on my part, partially because I was still a little tipsy and she was taller than me; but I got her in the wagon in a position that put the least amount of pressure on her wound. As I was about to pull her out, I looked back at the 2 dead ones that were just staring at me like lost little dogs. Shit. What if they were like her pets or something and had some kind of sentimental value. I couldn't just leave them… Damn it Alice, you didn't say anything about this weird shit; but I went ahead and attached the chain to the end of the wagon, watching them closely. It was strange, not once did they even attempt to get to the woman in the cart, even though they couldn't do any damage I still expected them to react, but nothing. Shrugging my shoulders, I decided to think more on it when I was completely sober.

On the way back, I learned something else about those 'pets'. When a few of the dead came out of the trees, I went to dispatch them, when another came from the other side of the wagon. I started to panic until I noticed it ignored the woman completely, actually going around the wagon to come at me. My jaw probably dragged a trail all the way back to the bunker because, holy shit that was an awesome idea. They camouflaged her completely, making her almost invisible to the dead; way better idea than coving myself in zombie gunk like Rick and crew. Once back at the bunker, after struggling to get the wagon inside and over the L shaped tracks, I was at a loss of what to do with the 'pets'. I couldn't just leave them outside… what if they ran away…and if they didn't, it would be really freaking obvious to someone that there was something here with those two just standing outside. Then a hook next to the first door caught my eye; I had thought it was a coat rack in an odd place but now it was the perfect place to chain them up. Alice must have seen this after all.

I laid her out on the floor and then cleaned myself up to check her over. Nothing important was nicked, but that didn't mean her recovery was going to be a cake walk either; the wound had been deep and it would take a few weeks for her to be up and about independently. After setting her up with fluid and a small bag of morphine, I washed up and laid down to pass out. It had been a long, exhausting day. I woke up the some time later with something sharp to my neck and with one hell of a hangover. "If you're going to kill me just get on with it, I got one hell of a fucking hangover" I said without opening my eyes. The blade didn't move but she responded "So you really were drunk, I didn't hallucinate that."

"Yea, I did a little day drinking, trying to take my mind off of some things and it got out of hand. But hey, you didn't die, so that's a plus. You were my first internal surgery patient and that was my first time being drunk, or drinking at all really, so lots of first yesterday. If you want to leave, the doors over there, and your uh… pet things are chained up in the second room. We're in a cave like bunker built into the side of a cliff face, about 3 miles east of here is a prison of people that are good, well Rick you got to keep an eye on, but everyone else is pretty awesome. But I would recommend laying back down before you tear your wound open; operating drunk is one thing, but operating with a hangover… I don't know how well that will go; even these dim lights are scorching my eyes even though they're closed. Not to mention my own voice sounds like a marching band inside my skull, so decide what you want to do. I'm going back to bed" I told her as quietly as possible. She hesitated for a moment before removing the blade and going back to her bed. Pulling the blanket over my aching head, I curled back up to go back to sleep.

So, like I said. Bella's a little on the emo side right now. All her choices are making since to her at the moment and that's all that matters. She's assuming about Daryl, and you know what they say about assuming.. you make an ass out of u and me…

I was considering doing a Daryl POV, but IDK if I want to recap on his side of things or not. Song she sings is Scars by Papa Roach.

I started writing bo, instead of bo staff because they mean the same thing, so bo staff is like saying staff staff.