Chapter seven
Ed ate the food as ordered, Mustang just leaning against the desk without saying anything at all. It was annoying, but it also made it a lot easier not having to talk.
Because Ed didn't even know what he was supposed to say. He felt so empty.
He was tired and wide awake and nothing was right and Al...
"He's gone, Colonel," Ed whispered. "He's actually gone... He's not gonna be the same. Never."
He didn't even know why he said it. He should have just kept his mouth shut. Ed hung his head, the pain stabbing him in the chest again, but his tears were dried up. He just didn't have anymore to spend.
"I know, Edward... But you're going to make it, even so," Mustang told him. "Both of you."
"He should be here... He should be right here and fuzzing over me and worrying so much that it's annoying... He should be here and make me forget about the fact that my eyes..." No matter how inappropriate, as soon as the thought struck him, he began laughing. "My eyes are nowhere to be seen," Ed chuckled. He shouldn't. There was nothing funny about this, but he knew that it was also one of the most normal responses to grief and shock. It was one of those "sob-or-laugh" situations, and now that all his sobs were spent, then that comment seemed so tremendously funny. It was actually hilarious.
"Edward?" Mustang asked, sounding very much like he had never heard anything less funny in his life. In fact, he sounded like he was working hard to keep his voice steady.
Ed kept snickering for the next couple of minutes before he had collected himself and stopped, just sitting there in silence as he ate the rest of his food. Then his mouth opened again for some reason, like Ed wasn't in control of it anymore. "Guess I'm not gonna get my limbs back. It was never about them, anyways. Al cared a lot about it, but the only thing that mattered was getting him back in his body. He didn't agree. He even thought that we should prioritise getting my limbs back, just because "that automail's so hard on you, Brother." Wasn't, though. I could still eat and drink and sleep and feel. But he was just as kind as Mom. I trapped him in a living hell, and he never stopped being kind. He was the best little brother in the world," Ed said quietly, feeling a sad smile forming on his quivering lips. "I just wanted him back... I never meant ... I was the one who was supposed to pay the price... I should have been more specific... Bargained... What if I could have got him back from age five for another leg? Or maybe both limbs? At least he'd remember Mom that way... I should have offered them to Truth before it did anything..." Ed mused, his throat dry.
"Edward, as noble as that is, it's also quite alarming to hear that you value your own life so little. You once said that you were toying with lives when you performed human transmutation, but you weren't. Toying with lives includes actually having fun with your own assumed superiority over others' importance. The only life you're toying with is your own, the way you're making your body parts only into something else for you to sacrifice ... And it's not healthy," Mustang said sternly.
"I was supposed to protect him. He's my little brother. He's the only family I have left, don't you understand that?" Ed said, turning his head in his direction. "That's the only thing that matters."
Ed heard Mustang shifting and he knew that he was kneeling down in front of Ed. Then he felt a hand on his left shoulder and the extra weight on his right automail port, and he couldn't help but wince. He wasn't used to someone gripping his shoulders, and it was kind of creepy that he couldn't even see the hands and their owner.
"Edward, I want you to listen to me closely," Mustang said sternly.
Ed had to say that this was a hell of a lot more terrifying than if the Colonel had just done the same as when he first met him and just pulled him up by the front of his tank top and yelled at him. That was safe and well-known territory. It was the way things were supposed to be.
These hands were something unfamiliar and scary. These were the hands of someone who cared about him.
Colonel Bastard wasn't supposed to be something like that. It was just wrong. Really, really wrong.
And so Ed began shifting to get out of his grip. "Don't do that," Ed said uncomfortably. He should never have told him that stuff about Al. He needed to get away from this.
"Edward, I want you to listen, really listen to me," Mustang said instead, not moving at all.
Ed wanted to kick him to get him away. But he couldn't do that, not after the shit he'd already done earlier. The Colonel's voice was stern, but there was a slight softness to it too. He was never supposed to sound like that.
"Let go."
"Edward, I will let go once I know that I have your full attention, but only then."
Ed began fidgeting, trying to get away, because he was certain that he did not want to hear whatever it was he had to say. Ed knew that if he did, then things would be different. It was a step into some unknown territory where Mustang cared and Ed couldn't allow that to happen because that wasn't how it was supposed to be and...
"What the hell are you doing?!" Ed demanded as he suddenly felt the grip on his shoulders shift and he was pulled out of the wheelchair and onto Mustang's lap, pressed to his chest and with unpracticed arms committing the worst taboo that Ed could ever imagine.
The Colonel was HUGGING him.
There was no escaping it. No way to explain it as anything else. He was trapped in a HUG.
"Oh, hell no!" Ed exclaimed as it got even worse as Mustang rested his chin on his head. "Get off!" Ed protested, pressing his hand against his chest, trying to push him away. "What the hell do you think you're doing, Colonel?!"
"It's called hugging. It's a fairly common practice," Mustang said, teasing him, but there was something heavy and serious behind those words that Ed hadn't heard before. "Now will you listen to me?"
"Stop hugging me! I never asked you to!" Ed said, panicking. This was wrong. Hugging meant caring and caring was never supposed to ever be associated with Roy Mustang. He wasn't supposed to have a pair of strong arms holding him tight in this way. This was WRONG and messed up and Ed didn't want to go into this territory.
"Because you're too prideful to ask anyone. However, if there is someone who should get a hug right now, it would be you. Now shut up and listen to what I have to say, because you need someone to tell you."
"Get the hell off me!" Ed said, struggling, but also knowing that he was losing because he couldn't actually fight Mustang off. Doing that again would only get him into a hell of a lot of trouble. Trouble he couldn't afford.
Instead, the hug only tightened. "Edward, I need you to know that you are important. Your life matters."
Ed froze. He didn't want to listen to this. "S-stop it..."
"You, Edward Elric, are not a failure. You're strong and kind and selfless to a level that's frankly idiotic at times, no matter how admirable. You have a staggering intellect and your fighting skills are impressive as fuck to be honest. Your sense of loyalty is astonishing and I want you to know that I'm proud to have been your CO."
Ed sat there, frozen, not knowing what to say. Mustang had complimented him. And not just like an adjective or two made grudgingly or sarcastically to tell him that he thought Ed was being stupid.
And he said he was proud. That was fucked up. Everything was fucked up.
"You bastard..." Ed whispered, stunned, but also feeling his anger growing. "You fucking bastard! You're not supposed to say stuff like that! Why did you have to do that?!" Ed said, trying to push him away again. Ed needed that one sense of normalcy now that everything else was gone and nothing would be like it was.
"Because it was about damn time that somebody did," Mustang said sternly, tightening his hold as he suddenly placed his right hand on the back of his head, resting him even further against his chest. "And as your guardian, that task is pretty natural to fall on me. Besides, see it as a performance evaluation if you want for your time in the military."
"But you're not supposed to say that stuff! You're not supposed to hug me! And you're not supposed to fucking CARE about me!"
"Edward, I care about all of my subordinates." There was a sternness to his voice at that that somehow made Ed even more panicked, because that was certainly NOT how he knew Roy Mustang to be.
"NO YOU DON'T! YOU CARE ABOUT THE OTHERS WHILE I'M THE ANNOYING BRAT THAT YOU ALWAYS MOCK AND MAKE FUN OF! I'M YOUR PAIN-IN-THE-ASS SUBORDINATE WHO'S JUST THAT STUPID ELRIC KID THAT YOU HATE BECAUSE I'M SO FUCKING IRRITATING AND DESTROY BUILDINGS AND SHIT WHILE LEAVING YOU WITH ALL THE PAPERWORK!"
Ed panted heavily. He was trapped. He was trapped in every way possible. He had to get away from this shit.
"Edward, you don't really believe that that's all there is to it, do you?" Mustang asked, sounding...
...Sounding...
"DON'T YOU DARE SOUND FUCKING DISAPPOINTED IN ME! DON'T YOU DARE START PATRONISING ME! YOU GET THE HELL OFF ME, MUSTANG!"
"Then ... stop ... being ... so ... fucking ... STUPID!"
Ed froze.
"STOP BEING SO DAMN STUPID ABOUT THIS! YOU'RE A FUCKING GENIUS, SO START ACTING LIKE IT! YOU'RE THIRTEEN FOR GOD'S SAKES AND YOU ONLY SEE YOUR OWN LIFE AS A TOOL! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MESSED UP THAT IS?!"
Mustang's voice was booming from above his head. Ed could only sit there frozen. He was trapped. He didn't even know how to respond because everything was messed up and now he was being hugged by the bastard himself. "P-please ... Ju-just let go," Ed said quietly, his insides twisting. "Please just ... just stop talking like this! Start acting like yourself, Colonel! Stop it!" Ed said desperately, trying to wiggle loose, but Mustang only held him tighter. "Please!" Ed had never uttered that word in front of the Colonel before, but now Ed was so desperate for just something to be as it should because his world had come crashing down around him and he needed at least some building blocks that were still the same as before in order to start rebuilding. He needed to stay strong for Al and he needed to get loose and he had to return to his shell so that he could still stand strong because he didn't...
...He didn't want to risk anyone else leaving him.
"Edward, I'm not letting go, and you know why?" Mustang said, obviously having collected himself.
"N-no... But just let go!" Ed said, feeling weaker than he had for a long time. He had to get out of this.
"Because if what you just said is what you really believe, then I've been a shitty CO."
Ed didn't even know how to respond. He didn't want to be here. He wanted to get away from Mustang. He wanted his brother to shake his shoulder to tell him that this was all just a fucked up nightmare and Colonel Mustang was getting angry because he was already late for his report. "Stop. Just ... Don't speak like this," Ed said.
"Edward, I'm sorry," Mustang said heavily. "I was supposed to guide you and help you."
"Stop it," Ed said quietly. "Stop acting like this!"
Mustang just sighed. "I'm sorry..."
Ed didn't know what to do. He couldn't get loose. He was trapped and NOTHING was as it should be.
"STOP CARING!" Ed protested.
"Not really an option, especially as I've been tasked with raising both you and your brother."
"DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE THINK YOU'LL BE RAISING ME! I'M NOT A CHILD!"
"Which is partially my fault. You shouldn't have been forced into growing up so soon, kid. Which is why you're damn well not going to be forced to be an adult anymore."
Ed wanted to punch him. "YOU'RE FUCKING HUGGING ME BECAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME INTO SOME SNOTTY KID?! BASTARD! GO TO HELL!"
"I'm not trying to make you into anything. I'm trying to tell you that you're not a tool, but a living, breathing human that deserves all the rights of someone your age."
"THEN I HAVE A RIGHT TO TELL YOU TO FUCK OFF AND RELEASE ME!" Ed shouted.
"Fine! But the Alphonse I know would never want you to shut yourself off like this. He would never want you to use his death as an excuse to push everyone away... And if he was here, then I think you'd be breaking his heart because you won't accept help when you need it the most," Mustang said, releasing his hold.
Ed suddenly felt like a firework of grief and pain had been released inside his chest as he imagined his brother standing in the corner of the room and looking at him with sadness.
Ed had no idea just what was happening to him, but next second, it felt like his entire ribcage and stomach was just exploding and he let out a scream of rage and pain and every pent up emotion that was stored inside him and he didn't even care that the warm arms closed around him again because everything was just complete agony and he couldn't take it anymore.
Roy held the kid against his chest as he uttered one of the most gut-wrenching sounds Roy had ever heard. The boy had clearly just had enough of just about everything.
Roy had to admit, he had never planned on hugging Edward when he came into the room, but when he discovered just how little regard he held for his own body, Roy had needed to at least try to make him understand that that was idiotic. Roy had hoped that having someone like himself, who had never said anything of the sort before, compliment him, then maybe, just maybe, it would be enough to snap the boy out of that fucked up mindset.
When the kid wouldn't even let him talk, however, Roy had decided that a good old-fashioned shock might be the way to go, also because any kid in Ed's situation should get a hug.
Now...
Now Roy was feeling pretty horrible. If the kid really had gone thinking that that was all there was to Roy for ten months, thinking that he didn't even care about his wellbeing...
...Then Roy had brought a fucking kid into the military and failed him miserably, not to speak of what he had let happen to Alphonse.
And whose fault was that, Roy? Who was it that sent those boys on that mission? Who approved for Alphonse to go along with his brother despite being a civilian?
Roy sighed and hugged the crying, dried up child closer to his chest.
No, Roy stole his childhood from him. He stole his childhood, his brother and his sight from him.
The least he could do was to try to let the two of them be children now.
Although Edward was likely to kill him once he learned that until they found a new place to stay, then Roy only had the one guest room and that one was occupied by the Hugheses as well as Alphonse.
Meaning that they'd have to share a room as Roy wasn't keen on letting a recently blind kid fumble his way through an unknown house while on another floor altogether. Nor was it realistic to let the kid sleep in Roy's room while Roy slept on the living room couch as that meant a potentially very dangerous set of stairs for the boy to traverse on his own.
...I guess we'll take that one once we get home tomorrow.
And please keep leaving reviews, they're so inspiring and it helps me to write, knowing what people think!
(But no flames)