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I take Anastasia to a cozy diner a few blocks from the gallery, the taste of her still lingering on my tongue. She kissed back. She kissed me back. She wants me too; I know for sure now. For the first time today, I am feeling hopeful about this.
I pulled her chair and sit across her.
"What would you like to eat?" I ask
Blue eyes pierced mine
"Ramen noodle" she replies, her eyes shining with amusement
What? She's toying with me.
"Ana"
"Yes?" she gave me an innocent look
Oh god. Life will never be boring with her
"Ana" I say again
"I'll have a cob salad" she says with a little giggle
I like her in this mood.
The waiter took our order and I return my attention to my angel.
"You said you wanted to tell me something"
Different expression crosses her face from confusion to realization to regret. Shit! What is it
She took a few deep breaths
"Wine sir" the waiter arrives
What the fuck! I gave him a look and his steps falter
"Shall I serve?" he stammers
"No, we'll manage" I took the bottle and dismissed him.
I served Anastasia. Each passing minute feeling like an eternity. She took a sip
"So?" I ask
"I am sorry" she says biting her lip
"What?"
"I am sorry for saying all those things on Friday…."
"….. Ana" I grabbed her hand
"No Christian really I am sorry. You were always honest with me and I had no right to judge you. I am really sorry. I was upset more at myself" she clarifies
"No Ana I am sorry. I went too far. You were inexperienced, I shouldn't have gone that far. But why didn't you safe word?" the question has been nagging me since Friday. She had all the power; she could have stopped it. I was enjoying it but if she had safe-worded I would have stopped immediately.
"I… um… I" she stammers and looks down
"I forgot" she continues
What the actual fuck
"You forgot"
she forgot? Does she realize what the past few days have been for me? Fuck! God help me
I took a few deep breaths.
"I… I... I am really sorry. I had quite a lot in my mind and I just" she looks down
How can I continue if I can't even trust her to tell me when to stop.
"hmmmh" I reply. What else can I say.
"Anyways, it's good it ended. You were right Christian I am not a submissive" her voice sad
"Ana…... past few days have been hell for me. I... I missed you. I care about you, Anastasia. I feel things I have never felt before." I say with all honesty
"Christian, I don't know what to say"
"I want you back Anastasia"
"No" her reply immediate
Fuck! It's not going well. I have to change my strategies.
"You said you love me. Is it in the past?" I ask. My heart beating faster
"I don't know" she looks down again
How could she not know?
"I missed you too Christian. I just…. I am not sure I love you. A lot was happening at the moment and I just wanted to. I just wanted someone. It's hard to explain. I am sorry for that too. I don't know what happened to me. I am not that person Christian." She looks miserable.
Oh baby
I do want to be that someone
"Did you hate everything about our kinky fuckery?" I ask
She looks at me wide eyed. Then she does something unexpected.
She laughs. A little too hard. I fight it but a smile broke on my face.
My beautiful angel
"So?" I ask again
"I can't believe you just said that" she says still laughing a little
"Well, I did"
"No, Christian. I didn't hate everything" she replies finally calming down
"What did you not like?" I ask
"Are you trying to redefine hard limits?"
"I am just trying to understand you"
"Why? What's the point of all this Christian?" she asks
Did she not hear me?
"I told you I want you back Anastasia"
The waiter returns with our order and again I am pissed at being interrupted
"Eat" I said motioning her plate
She rolls her eyes and digs in. I couldn't help but smile. I find myself doing it a lot with her.
"Everything okay?" I ask
"Yeah… it's good. How's your steak?" she asks softly
"Good"
She nodded
"You haven't answered Anastasia"
"I... no Christian I don't want this. I am sorry for putting you through all that but I don't know what happened to me. I am not that person Christian. The one who likes to be punished" she says
I begin to defend but she interrupts me
"…no Christian listen. I am not judging anyone. I am not judging you or your ways. It's just I don't wanna be a part of that" she finishes
"Fine. Then we don't have to do that Anastasia. We won't" my sound desperate
"What do you mean?"
"We have tried my way. Let's go at your pace now. You want a normal relationship? Okay. You want hearts and flowers? I can do that. And later maybe after we trust each other enough we can try some of the things that I like. You said you don't hate it all"
I adjusted my dick remembering how wet she was after I spanked her with Ben Wa Balls. I know she enjoyed it.
I enjoyed all her playroom sessions. We don't have to go into the heavy stuff. I will be content with whatever I can have.
She sighs
That's not good
"Christian I… I can't"
"Why?"
"Because…. because I will fall in love with you." she almost yells
"I want a husband who will love me. A beautiful house in the suburb with a white fence. A tire swing in the backyard. Two beautiful kids. Probably a girl and a boy. I know you don't want all that. Probably, someday in the future. But I am not ready to take a chance, Christian. I always craved for a family Christian. I never had one growing up and I am not settling for anything else. Why take a chance if it's going to end up in a heartbreak?"
Each word hit me like a brick. I feel all the air leaving my body. Me a husband? A father? What kind of dad would I be? I never knew my own dad. No…. the thought terrifies me. Fuck! She's right. I can't do this. She has her whole future planned out. The dreamy look in her eyes tells me she's not gonna change her mind.
I imagine Ana in that life, sitting on the patio probably with a book a little boy with her blue eyes tucked in her side. It's beautiful. As much as I want to I know I can never be that person.
"Christian say something" she asks bringing me out of my thoughts
"You are right." I replied
Disappointment crosses her face. Oh Ana. I wish I could change who I am. I wish I could change my past. But I can't.
She nodded in understanding
My mind is running in million different places as we finish rest our meal in silence. Fuck! I have been looking forward to tonight. But never in my million thoughts, I imagined this.
"Ready" I ask after paying our bill
She nodded.
I texted Taylor earlier so he's already waiting outside.
I opened Ana's side of the door as she slides in.
"Thank you" she says softly
We took off to Seattle. I glanced at Ana as she looks out of the window, deep in thought. Her words ringing in my ear
Because I will fall in love with you
Is it possible? My previous subs claimed to love me but I was sure with them that it wasn't love. How can they love me if they know nothing about me? I always got rid of them when they wanted more. Leila wanted more. She's still seeking me out, is it because she still loves me as she once said? It can't be, our relationship ended with mutual agreement. She got married after that. None of them loved me. Not really. But with Ana, she's different. She's always been different. She probably knows more about me than most, she's has seen how fucked up I can and yet she says she can fall in love with me and the selfish bastard that I am I want her to. She defies me, amuses me, makes me laugh. We have fun together. I can't remember any time I have had fun with anyone. I want the idea of love to be true. I want to believe her. I want to give her more. Can I?
I want to talk to her. This might be my last conversation with her. But what can I say now? Think Grey. I glanced at her again and realize she has fallen asleep.
I continue watching her. She always looks so peaceful. I could watch her for hours. I have watched my previous subs sleeping before only to wake them up for my pleasure. With Ana I don't seem to care about my pleasure.
I want a husband who will love me. A beautiful house in the suburb with a white fence. A tire swing in the backyard. Two beautiful kids. Probably a girl and a boy.
What kind of husband will she choose. Jose? I hope not. Fuck! The thought of someone else giving her what I can't pisses me. I have never felt so out of control. I need Flynn. I texted Amelia to make an appointment with him tomorrow.
I am angry. Angry at myself, my mother, my needs. I am angry at everything.
"Sir we are here." Taylor says as he pulled in front of Ana's apartment.
Shit!
She's still sleeping. I gently shake her shoulder.
"Hey" I say softly
"umm… Hey. I am sorry" she replies
"It's okay. Today must have been tiring" I replied
She nodded
Taylor opened her door as I stepped out to walk her to her door.
I feel miserable. We are standing outside her apartment door when she finally turns to me.
"Christian you were my first. I will always remember you"
This is it. It's the final goodbye.
"Me too. Close the door behind me. I hope you find everything you are looking for"
I will make sure of it. She mayn't be with me but she'll always be taken care of. She nodded
"You too. Goodbye Christian"
"Goodbye Anastasia"
I stood staring at her closed door. Fuck!
This is worse than her leaving on Friday. Pain radiates through my body as I force myself to return to SUV. My phone rings
It's Elena. She's trying to contact me for a week now. I have been ignoring her. I can't deal with her right now. I hit ignore.
My sweet Anastasia
For the second time since she left me on Friday, I want to cry.