Chapter sixteen

"What?" was all Ed could think of saying, his body frozen in confusion and shock. He had never heard Mustang sound like that before. There was real pain in that voice.

Mustang sighed heavily and squeezed his hand slightly where it still rested on his cheek. "I hate myself, Edward... I am a mass murderer, I have killed so many thousands of people that haunt me every single moment of my life. And not only have I neglected you as a CO, but honestly, Ed... This is my fault. I should never have allowed a preteen civilian to accompany you on any sort of mission... This is all on me... It's all on me, and you have every right to hate me for it."

Ed just sat there, his mind racing, feeling numb. Mustang was blaming himself?

Then Ed pulled back his hand, snatching it out from under his, and moved it back so that he could punch him for being so stupid that he was blaming himself for what was Ed's fault. "You bastard! Don't you start saying that crap!" Ed had been the one to let Alphonse come with him, Ed had been the one to not wait for backup and Ed had been the one who had failed to stop those bastards from pushing Al into the pool.

Then Ed froze, his fist still in the air, as he suddenly remembered what Lieutenant Hawkeye had told him yesterday. He put his hand down. "Fuck... She's right..." he said, feeling his strength leaving him and he slumped sideways in the sand next to Mustang, the adrenaline of the fight ebbing away and leaving him sore and tired. "She's actually fucking right."

There was shifting in the sand and Ed knew that Mustang had turned over on his side to look at him. "What are you talking about, Ed?" There was real worry in that voice.

"Hawkeye... She's right... We're actually pretty similar..." Ed said, stunned as things began to make a lot more sense than they had just a few hours ago. "...And you wanted me to yell at you because you want someone to blame you for what happened... You feel guilty and you want people to tell you that you have every reason to... You feel angry about this too... That's why you wanted to spar, it wasn't just because you wanted me to vent, you wanted to get some frustration off your chest too while I "punished" you for what happened..." Ed said quietly. "I'm right, aren't I?"

Mustang sighed. "She always knew me better than I know myself..."

Ed felt drained and numb like he wasn't attached to his emotions anymore. "I'm not surprised, I don't think anyone or anything can fool her."

"No."

They just lay there in silence, catching their breaths for about a minute or so, before Mustang spoke up again. "So you've been wanting people to blame you and shout at you, Edward?" he asked, some worry in his voice along with the exhaustion, both physical and emotional. However, he also seemed to know the answer without Ed saying anything.

Ed turned over on his back, feeling tears pressing once again. "It's only fair when I got my brother killed." Ed couldn't stop his lips from trembling. He may feel better, having got things off his chest, but that only helped with the frustration, not the pain of losing Alphonse.

And Ed was in so much pain at the moment. He had been so every single moment since Al fell into the pool. Everything hurt.

"Edward... You didn't know that it would happen... Alphonse has been there to fight alongside you since you joined up, but if he hadn't been there, then there are countless times where you would probably have died. I should have ordered another officer to accompany you while not allowing Al to join you. That is my fault. I'm the adult and I..." Mustang sighed again. "I guess I was fooled by the armour... But no matter how good the fighting skills and alchemical prowess, it still doesn't mean that he wasn't a twelve-year-old civilian. I failed you both there."

Tears were forming under the bandages, Ed's chest so tight and painful it made it hard to breathe normally. Still, he didn't want to listen to Mustang talking like that. Maybe the man had a point, but Ed had still been the big brother who didn't do what he should have done. In the end it was always going to be on Ed that it had happened. Ed had a lot more responsibility for Al than Mustang had. Ed was at fault. "Don't, Colonel... Just don't."

Mustang sighed once again. "Edward... Just remember that Al wouldn't want you to blame yourself like this..."

Ed knew that. Which made it so much worse because Al had been the best little brother in the world, and Ed had failed him. His kind, sweet, superb little brother, had in the end been killed by his loyalty to his shitty big brother. Al had deserved better. "We should go back to the house," Ed said. He wasn't going to change his mind and he didn't want to listen to Mustang blaming himself. "It's late and I'm still hungry."

"Edward, don't do this to yourself," Mustang said, still worried. "Alphonse wouldn't want you to live your life avoiding the truth just so that you could keep feeling guilty," he continued, his voice growing stern.

Ed sat up quickly, anger returning as he thought about how his brother was now a clueless infant. "If you haven't noticed, Colonel, Al's gone! He doesn't think shit about this! Now let's just go back to him and get me something to eat because I haven't eaten since breakfast!" Ed said moving to stand up, only to have Mustang suddenly grab him around the waist and pull him to him, locking his legs around Ed's to keep him from kicking him or getting leverage to move away as Mustang's arms closed themselves around his upper body. Then Mustang's right hand was placed at the back of Ed's head, pushing him further against his chest. Ed tried to push him away, but his remaining arm was currently trapped under his own weight, rendering it immovable. "What the hell, Colonel?! Get the fuck off of me!" Ed protested, his voice muffled by Mustang's undershirt.

The Colonel just held him tighter. "That doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, because what Al would have wanted is still important to me!" Mustang said angrily. "It still matters because I failed him. I failed him once and I'm not doing it again which means that now that he can't take care of you, then it's about damn time that I step up to do it myself like I should have done for the past ten months!" he finished, his grip tightening.

Ed felt himself just sink into the hug, admitting defeat. His whole body hurt from grief and confusion and misery and everything in between. Everything just hurt so much and it left him without any strength to fight off a warm hug when he needed it the most, no matter how much he wanted to deny it. He needed the warmth, the safety, the feeling of a grownup holding him tight and letting him be a child when everything was just wrong and painful. Just something that could make this hell he was trapped in a little bit better. A little bit easier to bear.

And so he cried. He just cried into Mustang's sandy and sweaty undershirt, not caring that it was so because it was a warm hug in the middle of the dark hell that he couldn't see his way out of.

"Edward, I made him a promise. I made your brother a promise earlier today, and I don't care if he doesn't know what I said and that he won't remember it. I am still going to keep the promise I made to him that I'll never let you two down again like I did."

There was so much conviction, so much sincerity in that voice, Ed couldn't help but believe him. He didn't know what to say, and he doubted he actually had the ability to speak if he tried with all the agony he was going through. Everything was just tight and painful and he had more than enough with just making sure he was breathing properly because the sobs in his throat and the pain in his chest made it seem like his body had forgotten how to do it by its own accord.

Mustang sighed heavily as he let go of Ed's legs, obviously knowing that Ed wasn't likely to fight him anymore. "I know full well that there is nothing I can say to justify the way I've been treating you for the past ten months. I can't undo what I've done and I'm not going to try to either. I am not going to deny that I have been bullying you and acted childishly as hell and failed you as a CO completely to the extent that I also let a twelve-year-old civilian get killed. And I won't ever forgive myself for any of it. And I don't expect you to either. You have no reason to trust me after what I've done, and I don't think you should. Saying that I'm sorry isn't going to fix shit, and I know that," he said, his self-loathing so clear in his voice. "And you have every reason to hate me. I deserve it." He took a deep breath. "But I'm not going to break that promise," he finished.

Mustang's voice was so heavy with inner torment, so much guilt and pain, it was almost scary to listen to because it was so unlike the way Ed had thought he was. But he could also tell that he wasn't lying. That promise wasn't about trying to fix things and erase the past with it. It wasn't an attempt at justifying anything.

It was something that Mustang wanted to do of his own free will. There weren't any ulterior motives, no smugness, nothing other than the fact that Mustang felt that he owed Alphonse to do it. And it left Ed numb and overwhelmed because this wasn't the selfish bastard that Ed had been dealing with for the past ten months.

"Edward, I know that you don't trust me. I don't blame you if you don't believe a word I'm saying, but—" Mustang began, but the words didn't really register in Ed's mind at this point.

"I don't," Ed interrupted, his lips trembling, his mind numb as the man he had thought was Roy Mustang had been nothing more than a mere façade. "...I don't... hate you," Ed told him quietly. "I thought I did, but that was a ... different... version of you..." he said awkwardly, still pressed against him. Still somehow grateful for this hug. Ed didn't know why he was talking. He didn't know why he wasn't trying to get away. He didn't know what he was doing anymore. "This you... the one who isn't just "the Colonel" is... isn't as much of a bastard, I think..." Ed continued quietly, wondering just what the hell was wrong with himself. He wasn't sure of anything anymore actually. How could he be when Al was gone? When he didn't have his little brother? And he kept reminding himself that Al would grow up. He had done so over a hundred times, probably more. He kept telling himself that Al wasn't dead.

...But that didn't change the fact that he wasn't going to be the same. And Ed knew that the best thing for Al as he grew up would be to be his own person. To be separate from his old self. Which made it so much harder because Al would be different. Their relationship would be different. Nothing would ever be the same.

And what would Al think when he learnt how his big brother lost his limbs and his eyes? He deserved to know the truth. Ed couldn't just lie to him to make himself look better. If Al wanted to hate him as he grew up, then that was his choice. He had the right to do so.

And Al was gone.

Ed briefly registered that he was sobbing again, but his tears were spent. He just hadn't got any left. "I NEED HIM BACK! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT HIM?!" he suddenly yelled into Mustang's chest. His entire body was so tight with agony that it felt like he was dying and his head was filled with the mental pictures of Al just not coming back up from the pool.

Mustang sighed and began stroking his hair gently, hugging him tighter. "We'll get through this somehow, Ed. And there is no doubt in my mind that your little brother will grow up as a brilliant kid, just like the last time. But the way you're going is only going to achieve one thing, and that is that Alphonse, because I don't doubt that he'll still be a kind and sweet boy no matter what happens, will otherwise grow up to believe everything to be his own fault. He's going to grow up thinking that he failed you and it cost you your eyes. Watching you bury yourself in guilt is going to make him feel that if he hadn't fallen into that pool, then you would be happy. That you're sad because he didn't survive. Please don't do that to yourself and to him, Edward."

Ed knew that protesting it wouldn't gain him shit, which made his frustration with everything that was happening so much worse. "I JUST WANT A BREAK!" he shouted suddenly, his voice breaking. "I JUST WANNA HAVE MY LIFE BACK TO FUCKING NORMAL! I WANNA HAVE MY BROTHER AND MY EYES AND I WANNA STOP HURTING LIKE THIS!" Ed yelled before sobbing into Mustang's chest. Ed hadn't broken down like this. Never. But it was true. He wanted at break, but he wasn't getting one and he wasn't getting his eyes back and everything had just gone to hell.

And even if he deserved the pain, he still wanted a break from it. Because this was just too much. "I just want it to stop," he wheezed, sounding weak and pathetic and he didn't even care. He didn't have a reason to. Dignity and pride were both long lost to him by now. He didn't have a reason to hold back. He didn't want to. He just wanted it to stop because he had fallen into an ocean of grief and pain and he couldn't swim or see the shore because everything was black and the water was pulling him down into hell.

And he couldn't get out. He was drowning and the one who would have been able to pull him out was gone.

Mustang sighed heavily. "I know, Ed. I know," he said softly. "Now let's get you home," he told him, his voice still filled with that soft warmth that Ed himself had used with Al after Mom died. And Ed just let him guide him to his feet. He hardly had any strength left in his body. He was just so tired of the never-ending pain. And so he didn't protest against the arm sliding under his own to help him walk. Just having that warm hand resting on his waist as his arm was weakly resting on Mustang's.

He didn't even want it to leave him. If it did, then Ed wasn't sure he could get himself back up.

Because Al might just be better off without him anyways.

Roy just held onto the kid. Edward had every right to feel like he did. Roy couldn't even imagine what it must be like for him.

They didn't speak as they walked. Ed seemed to have gone into another one of those episodes of pain filled numbness. Roy didn't really know what to say anyways.

And so they walked in silence into the house after Roy unlocked the door with the key that he had put in the small pocket on his boxers. They both stood drinking several glasses of water in the kitchen before Roy gently led Ed up the stairs, still not exchanging a single word between them. Roy didn't know if this was a sign of trust or a sign of Ed giving up.

He closed the bathroom door behind them and got a towel and a washcloth from the shelf by the door and placed them by the tub. "I'll go get you some clean clothes from your suitcase," Roy told him, earning a small "m" in reply as Ed just stood there, trembling in the middle of the room. He saw that Maes or Gracia must have been up while they were gone and closed the window. Knowing Maes, he'd probably guessed where they had gone.

And so Roy left the bathroom and returned thirty seconds later, a fresh pair of boxers and a clean tank top, but the scene in front of him made him freeze. Edward had already sat himself down inside the bathtub, his clothes lying on the floor, the boy not even blushing. He just sat there, facing him, looking pale. "Edward?" Roy asked in concern, locking the door behind him so that Maes or Gracia wouldn't walk in on Edward when something was so clearly very wrong with him. Edward was a teenager who should have been mortified by something like this. Roy had been his CO just yesterday morning and he ought to be attacking Roy for walking in on him like this.

But it seemed that right now, all the fight had left the child sitting there, looking smaller than ever before, bandages still tight around his head, his face only telling him a story of a boy who had just admitted defeat, his head bowed slightly.

Roy was immediately kneeling down in front of him, taking his cheeks in his hands, gently tilting his head back up so that Roy could look directly at him. "Edward, talk to me."

Ed just leaned his face limply into Roy's hands. "I've already given up on my pride and I'm not gonna get clean just by bathing. There's too much sand and I only have one arm so I can't scrub myself clean or see if I'm even doing it right because I'm already too busy holding the showerhead..." Ed explained in a very quiet and slightly scared voice.

Roy felt his insides twist at the way Edward was sounding. He was just ... lost. The kid was so lost. He was lost and he needed help. And for some unknown reason, he seemed to be reaching out to Roy for it.

He could only guess that it was because Ed didn't really have anyone else to lean on like this. He didn't have his brother and he didn't know Maes. Not having a woman do it was a given. Leaning on the Rockbells wouldn't work because they were going back to Resembool in two weeks. And so it seemed that what Roy had said back at the golf course had earned just a sliver of crucial trust.

And now that Edward didn't have anyone else, it seemed that he was grasping at that final straw that was Roy.

He felt his stomach clench. This wasn't right. Edward Elric wasn't supposed to be like this. He wasn't supposed to speak like this or look like this or act like this. The sparring match was supposed to have rekindled that flame that was meant to be in him. To get him back into fighting mode.

And it was Roy's incompetence that had caused the events leading to Edward sitting here in this way. Which made it Roy's responsibility to get Ed moving again. Not because of his guardianship, not because of his promise, not because of his guilt.

But because there was a small child sitting naked in a bathtub and who desperately needed him.

Roy let out a heavy sigh. "Of course I'll help you, Ed," he told him softly. He didn't know whether he should move to help clean him up right away, or if he should wait and just hold the child a bit longer.

When Edward reached up and weakly placed his hand on Roy's right wrist, Roy could tell that waiting had been the right choice. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do, Mustang," Ed said in barely more than a whisper. "I know you said to keep moving forwards to be there for Al... b-but I don't... I-I can't do it c-cos I... Mustang, I can't s-see the r-road ahead a-anymore because e-everything is just b-black..." Ed told him in a defeated whisper.

Roy felt fear creep in on him. Something had changed in Ed since yesterday. And Roy had a bad feeling that it was because Ed was beginning to think that everyone was just better off without him. "Edward, don't you dare give up like that," Roy told him in a sharp whisper. "Giving up on everyone who loves you will only hurt them more than you can imagine. If you can't see the road ahead, then I'll be your fucking eyes from now on and drag you forwards with me, you understand?" he said sternly. For some reason, hearing Edward Elric showing signs of becoming suicidal was one of the most gut-wrenching things Roy had ever heard.

But at the same time, Roy could understand why he would feel that way. He could understand it very well.

Which was why he was suddenly lifting a speechless Edward out of the tub and onto his lap and hugging him tightly, resting his chin on the top of his head, the small boy just leaning into his chest limply. "I'm not letting you give up. Never. I'm going to be here and I'll even carry you if you won't move on your own," Roy told him.

There was silence from the child in his arms for about a minute. Then came a very weak chuckle. "Does that make you a guide dog of the military?" Edward asked quietly, a slight smile in his voice.

Roy had no idea why he said it. No idea why he threw every bit of his reputation as a smooth talker out the window. All he knew was that he opened his mouth and went "woof."

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