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She had fallen asleep after a pitiful session of silent crying. The faint light of the lamp shot pain through her eye sockets. She couldn't be here, not for now at least.
After a short meditation she decided to pay a visit to her sick father as an excuse to be away from Tobirama as long as she could.
The sun will rise in two hours, she needed to be quick.
Her equipment and mission clothes were in Tobirama's room but she could replace them in her house, she didn't need them that bad for this travel. She went to the armory and changed after a quick shower into generic dark clothes and light armor, hid some daggers on her and made a small pack with survivance objects. She ran across the yard silent as a shadow towards the stable. She thought she succeded when her horse was saddled and she was about to jump on him but then watching her from outside of the stable, with the saddest eyes she had seen on him, was Hashirama.
It shrinked her heart. Hashirama was a noble soul, sensitive, she had learnt. He wore his heart on his sleeve. He had treated her like a true sister. She felt she was punishing everyone for Tobirama's lacking but she wouldn't back down. She needed to be away, to put her thoughts at ease, to remember how is to be cared for and loved. She would miss Mito and Hashirama but they had no inherence on her right now.
"Will you come back… sister?"- Hashirama whispered only for her to hear.
"..." -She had to make a long silence in order to swallow the lump in her throat- "Yes."- she said in a whisper. Her eyes diverting from Hashirama´s.
"I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this and-"- Hashirama began to articulate apologies as quickly as his mouth and sadness allowed him but Makoto raised her hand immediately. That wasn't necessary.
"You have no fault in this… brother. It's not your contrite heart the one I want to hear."- she already felt the tears in her eyes. She mounted her horse before that happened.
"Take care, please. I'll be obligated to send him to follow you."- Hashirama said stopping her horse by holding the reins, his eyes showed his desperation.
"Don't!"- she raised her voice in fear just to quickly change to a haste whisper-"Don't send him. If you want me to come back as a wife, he has to come willingly. If he doesn't... then tell everyone that I died at the hands of the same perpetrators that poisoned him while I was going to see my father on his deathbed."- She whispered mirroring the despair in Hashirama's soul. He couldn't force this matter anymore.
Hashirama just looked at her directly with pleading eyes, took her hand and squeezed reassuringly while nodding his head. A promise.
He let her go and she spurred her horse lightly. It was a long trip.
-o-
She felt the cold of winter going through her bones although it was still autumn. She visited several Kokuyo hideouts and asked shelter between her unknown spy net that answered to a weekly keyword. Not much people knew Kokuyo's identity so it wasn't difficult to keep her low profile and her body heat.
When she finally arrived home no one was expecting her. It had been a rainy day, sad clouds didn't improve her mood. The night had fell minutes before she unmounted her horse.
She was going to get directly to her room, without explanations, to just block herself from the world if only by the hours the night but that wouldn't have made sense, to travel all that miles from the valley to her house to just be alone. So she went through the mud of the stable to the front door and knocked, like a stranger would.
Fortunately, her mother was the one who opened it. She withdrew the best she could her wet hood plastered to her head and face and looked at her mother's shoes. She hadn't tought it before, but when her mother gave her the first perplexed look she remembered all that rumors and whispered words the kitchen maids spoke about daughters given back by their husbands because they didn't like them or weren't found worthy enough. She remembered the shame they imprinted in their words, the indignity. She wasn't in that exact position but she felt close enough to feel some of the shame the maids talked about.
She must have worn the shame on her face because her mother dropped the candle she was holding in her hand and brought her in, towards the fireplace in the heart of the house, removing her wet coat quickly and giving her the nicest hug she had received in months.
She kissed her forehead and whispered sweet nothings. It was all that was required to make her loose. She huged her mother back with all her force and shared all the tears she held. Her knees hit the floor and her mother nested her in her lap while she vented.
-0-
By the morning the air was chilly in her room. It was a rainy day, the drops from last night seemed to be only the start of a rainy week. She regretted leaving Shibo in the valley, but even if she didn't want to leave him with Tobirama it would have been difficult to maintain a low profile with him during the travel.
Her mother was comprehensive enough and didn't push questions on her last night. She probably will do now though.
As if summoned, a knock on the door, not asking permission, just announcing an entrance, a big tray appeared followed by her mother who locked the door behind her. This was going to be a long day.
-0-
"My dear, I assumed you understood the implications that came with that marriage the moment you said you would comply to your father's request. Your situation, it's quite... regular. Several young ladies have had to learn to love their husbands after their union and comply with marital obligations. You are lucky your husband is a young and handsome man. It could have been someone of your father's age…"
- "It's easy to say so when you didn't have to live that mother."
- "I understand that you are here cause you can, yes? I'm not telling you to live submissive under the young Senju, because submissive is not even near you vocabulary. I'm just saying that it's quite a normal situation and you have my support and my home- your home to meditate about a solution but it's just temporary. You must go back to your husband sometime soon and make amends. You said you have the support of Hashirama-dono and Mito-chan, they sure will help."
-" They tried mother…I don't know if that was better. Hashirama-san saw me when I saddled my horse. He said farewell and asked me to come back or he would send Tobirama after me."
-" So?"
-"So what?"
-"I know you my child. This is a pride fight. You are going to wait until he comes searching for you here, at your terrain, so you can arrange your own terms in order to come back."
-"Maybe… I really haven't thought about it. I'm assuming he will not come. This is the perfect excuse to make himself a widower."
-"I don't know this young man. I understand that outcome is the one you wish, but what if it's not like that? What if he comes for you?"
-"Unlikely."
-"Ahh… Stubborn girl. You didn't think about it, did you?
-"I came here to meditate. I will resolve my problems one by one. I have other responsibilities too."
-"Are you asking me to call for Kuren?"-
-"I'm not in the mood for your teasing mother. I just want to sleep the day off in a room that doesn't stink of male odor."
-"Hahaha! That is the wish of every married woman in the beginning. I'll leave you to yourself now. And I hope one day you can recall a sense of protection, home to that smell."
-"Ugh... Mother, please."
-0-
Valley | Tobirama's bathroom
If this would have had happened the first month of marriage Tobirama would have probably even taken some sake to celebrate his regained freedom. Now, the situation was vastly different.
The feeling of guilt was proving difficult if not impossible to remove. He took a long shower after she threw him out, then tried to distract himself with work but the headache left by the sake didn't cooperate.
He was spinning circles around the only alternative that seemed good enough to resolve this: apologizing while being sober.
He wasn't good with women, but neither a soulless bastard. When he heard her cry a strange flashback came to his mind. He remembered when his brother Kawarama died and his mother cried for him openly his father rebuked her strongly. His words etched in his mind since then: "I made you more kids to take care of woman! Your weeping only disgraces him!".
Those words stopped his mother from crying, which wasn't scandalous anyway but it broke her to lose a child so young in such a way, not being able to provide any protection. So she wept silently, hidden from his father, just like Makoto did that night with him. To make that comparison made a bile go up his throat. If there was one thing he didn't want it was to be compared to his father. He was stern and objective but his father was just barbaric. He killed his mother with grief… He didn't want to repeat such a thing.
When the sun was setting he finally recruited the resolution he needed. He went to the kitchen for some food and then searched for her in the library, the guest room, Hashirama's garden, the battlements, but she was nowhere. Finally, he decided to ask Mito, just to be expelled from the other side of the paper door. She said "Ask your brother." and ended the conversation.
Hashirama was in his office covered in paperwork but he seemed to be waiting for him.
"So, you finally have the decency to show your face and ask where she is? It took you less than I thought, congratulations."- he said while he kept signing a tower of papers.
"Where is she?"- he asked without preamble.
"Where you can't find her."- Hashirama answered without looking at him.
"I´m not here for games. I'm going to apologize."
"Well it seems you are a little too late for that."
"Stop being so indirect. Where did she go?"
Hashirama stopped his paperwork and looked at him directly. The sun had set and the soft light of one candle just allowed him to she Hashirama's silhouette and his eyes. He wasn't happy.
"You should learn to soften your voice. You are too harsh, no one likes that."
"Nii-san, please. I can reach her soon if she is near."
Hashirama changed his expression. It softened with a mix of pity and sympathy -"She isn't. She went back to her father's house. You lost your chance. If you want to apologize you will have to do it under her rules now. Are you willing to do that? Or do you want to fake her death and make yourself a widower like she suggested?".
"What? Why? Is she so disgusted with me that she prefers to lose her identity?"- the idea went right to his pride. Was she so miserable already?
"She thought you wouldn't fight for this relationship to work. It seems she thought it a lie since the beginning. She expected less attention, less interaction.".
"I thought the same. I thought this would be just work."
"But? You came here cause you changed your mind, yes? You want this to work better?".
"I… I don't want to be like father."
Hashirama seemed surprised by his words. Maybe he put a really miserable face, but Hashirama was the first to contradict their father about feelings and emotions in the daily war life. He understood instantly what he meant.
"Then what are you doing here? Go get her."- Hashirama said with a big smile while he lit the wall candles- "She left before sunrise, alone and by horse. She must be close to the coast already. You'll have a whole day to think about what will you do to make amends."
"Yeah, sounds trilling... I'll leave before sunrise tomorrow. Any idea or recommendation?"
"You have to know a woman in order to please her, and I'm talking of every aspect."- Hashirama dismissed him with that phrase after a wink and a sly smile.
Tobirama rolled his eyes at him and leaft quickly tough Hashirama saw a little red on the tip of his ears. He was such a prude.
-0-