Chapter Six:
Dorlock's Great Escape
Dorlock Homes and Dr. Watkins, still in their sailor disguises, had come up to the sewer gate at the top of the drainpipe and opened it up to find they had now arrived at Owen DeCassle's hideout.
"Aha, Watkins!" Dorlock exclaimed, pleased to have found what he was looking four. "We found it! Owen DeCassle's secret lair. And it's filthier than I imagined!" He climbed out of the sewer hole and held the grate open for Watkins, and they both crept towards the hideout entrance to notice what looked like Clyde Bunnersham curled up in the bottle, presumably asleep with his back turned to them. "Watkins… the bottle!" Dorlock softly said, and they carefully snuck to the bottle apparently without notice. Among arriving, the duck climbed onto the neck and tried to pull at the cork. "It's stuck!" he softly grunted, "Like a razor pulling on someone's facial hair!"
Watkins tapped on the bottle and whispered, "Clyde?"
But the figure in the bottle turned towards them to reveal it wasn't Clyde at all; it was Wrenchfield dressed in rabbit ears and Clyde's clothes! He gave a sinister smile and then made a kissy face, which was some kind of cue…
All of Owen's henchmen popped out from around them and called out, "SURPRISE! WELCOME, DORLOCK!" A banner unfurled to reveal the lettering "WELCOME DORLOCK" and balloons and confetti descended through the lair as the henchmen all mockingly cheered and applauded, including Owen DeCassle himself, stepping out of the doorway from his throne room.
"Bravo!" Owen clamored as he clapped with his henchmen. "Bravo! A marvelous performance!" He chuckled evilly and made his way over to Dorlock, who was shocked at first and then furious that he had been tricked. Noticing Dorlock's expression, Owen took out his pocket watch and added, "But frankly, I expected you fifteen minutes ago." He mockingly asked the duck, "Trouble with your chemistry set, little duck?"
Dorlock stiffened at this, but then he tried to keep cool and sound friendly. "Owen…" he said, "no one can have a higher opinion of you than I have." He then continued in an unfriendly manner, "And I think you're a slimy, despicable sewer beast!"
Owen calmly shut his watch, not letting being called such a thing setting him back and put it back in his pocket. "Oh by the way, Dorlock, I just love your cheesy disguise," he said, twirling Dorlock's fake mustache before ripping it off, causing the duck to wince in pain as the henchmen all laughed. Lifting the hat off Dorlock's head and tousling the hair on his scalp, Owen sarcastically continued, "Really, the idea that villains fall for such things…" He nudged the duck and collapsed over him, laughing, "The greatest… detective… in all of London!" He cackled even harder as he waltzed around.
This infuriated Dorlock even more. Seething, he said, "Owen DeCassle… so help me… I'll see you behind bars YET!"
"You fool! Isn't it clear to you?!" Owen said directly in Dorlock's face, and then picked up the duck by the neck and shook him in his hand to demonstrate his power. "The superior mind has triumphed!" He carelessly dropped Dorlock and exclaimed, "I WON!" and continued laughing diabolically as Wrenchfield and the rest of the henchmen joined in the laughing, pointing and jeering.
Dorlock tried not to let the taunting get to him, but after a bit he could no longer help himself and he slumped, feeling defeated and disillusioned. Dr. Watkins showed concern and wished he could help. The duck detective sadly hung his head as the laughing and taunting continued, with Owen cackling the loudest and clutching at his sides in glee, excitedly saying "Oh, I love it, I love it! Oh, I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it!"
…
A little while later, Owen DeCassle and his henchmen had tied Dorlock Homes and Watkins, both now without their hats, to an ACME Giant Mousetrap and were setting it as Owen began, "You don't know what a delightful dilemma it was, trying to decide on the most appropriate method for your demise." As he continued, Wrenchfield nervously set the switch on the mousetrap and took off, as Watkins flinched as the bone-breaking metal bar slightly vibrated from the switch being set, and Dorlock simply stared into space, looking blank and stoic. "Oh, I had so many ingenious ideas, I didn't know which to choose! So, I decided… to use them all." He gave a grand gesture to reveal a cannon, a giant crossbow, a giant axe and a huge anvil, all of which aimed directly at the mousetrap, with Wile E. Coyote putting the finishing touches on the crossbow! "Marvelous, isn't it?" Owen asked.
Wile E. Coyote turns to you readers and says…
"Yes, I have a small part in this story, as Owen DeCassle could benefit from an additional Genius by Trade."
Owen chuckled and said to Dorlock and Watkins, "But here… let me show you how it works. Picture this…" He gestured towards an old hand-cranked gramophone, complete with large horn speaker, and a cord of some kind tied to the tonearm. Wrenchfield was standing next to the gramophone and showing off a 78-RPM record. "First, a little tune that I recorded especially for you!" Owen pointed out as Wrenchfield placed the record on the turntable. Wile E. Coyote then skipped over to Owen with a role of blueprints stapled together. "Ah, thank you, Wile E.," Owen said as he unfurled the blueprint and began pointing to the diagrams on the first page, describing what was on them. It showed that the cord tied to the tonearm went to a cork supporting a can of some sort with a metal ball inside, and underneath was a slide built out of pipes and wood, aimed at the mousetrap's trigger release.
"Now, as the song plays, the cord tightens," Owen began. "And when the song ends, the metal ball is released, merrily it rolls along until…" He dramatically pointed at the mousetrap on the blueprint and said, "Snap!" He turned the page to show that it would set off the cannon at them. "Boom!" The next page showed the cannonball triggering the giant crossbow towards the mousetrap. "Twang!" The page after that showed axe coming down on the mousetrap. "Thunk!" And the last page showed the anvil dropping on the mousetrap. "SPLAT!" Wrenchfield winced in fear at the thought of how he and Dorlock would be killed. Then Owen removed his top hat in a form of salute as he threateningly concluded, "And so ends the short UNDISTINGUISHED career of Dorlock Homes of Beeker Street."
Watkins stammered, "You're d-d-de-d-d-d-de-d-d-despicable! Oh, sorry Dorlock, that's your saying. Er… Dorlock?" He got no response from the duck detective staring blankly upward.
Owen cruelly chuckled as Wrenchfield, now dressed up in a British guard uniform, hobbled over to him. "Everything's ready, Wrenchfield?" Owen asked.
"All set boss!" Wrenchfield said, referring to a large white box neatly wrapped with a pink ribbon.
Owen giddily walked over to the box and lifted the lid a bit to peek inside as he evilly chuckled, "Oh, this is wicked! So delightfully wicked!"
As Wrenchfield and some the other henchmen, already decked out in the British guard uniforms stolen from the toy shop, wheeled the present away, Bluebeard in his guard disguise walked up with Bugs Bunnersham, bound and gagged. Nearby was the REAL bottle containing Clyde for the time being.
"Mr. Bunnersham," Owen DeCassle said, "let me congratulate you on a SUPERB piece of craftsmanship!" He tapped on the bottle and said to both Bugs and Clyde, "See what you can do with the proper motivation?" He let out a wicked laugh as he slapped Bugs's back. At that time, the henchmen except Wrenchfield had gathered up with the Tasmanian Devil tied to a chain to keep him from trying to eat anybody. "Now, you all know the plan?" Owen reminded the others.
"Yes, professor!" the henchmen and Taz all answered in unison as they began making their way out of the lair…
"It was my fond hope to be able to witness your final scene," Owen said as he took out his pocket watch again. "but you were fifteen minutes late. And I do have an important engagement at… Buckingham Palace!" He chuckled as Watkins gave a confused look. "Now," Owen continued, "you will remember to smile for the camera, won't you?" He gestured to an old camera set up facing the trap, ready to photograph the gruesome results of the trap. "Hmm, say cheese?"
"A-ba-ya-y-ya-y-yo-you fiend!" Watkins snarled.
"Sorry, chubby," Owen said as he wound up the gramophone and started up the record. "You should have chosen your friends more carefully!"
The song on the record began, a very catchy and upbeat Dixieland-sounding tune. Owen DeCassle's vocals started up…
"Goodbye, so soon,
and isn't this a crime?
We know by now
that time knows how to fly…"
As the song was starting up, a pedal-powered blimp floated out of the shadows, operated by Wrenchfield, and the mysterious present in tow on a rope. Owen reached out and grabbed the rope ladder attached to the gondola and began climbing aboard. "Adieu," he said as the blimp started to rise higher as a panel in the ceiling opened. "Auf wiedersehen. Arrivederci! Adios!" Now in the gondola, Owen chuckled and mockingly said, "Bye-bye, Dorlock."
"So, here's goodbye, so soon,
you'll find your separate way…
With time so short, I'll say so long
and go, so soon, goodbye…"
The blimp left the lair and sailed off in the night to Buckingham Palace as the ceiling panel closed again. Back in the lair, the record continued…
"You followed me, I followed you,
we were like each other's shadows for a while.
Now as you see, this game is through
so although it hurts…
I'll try to smile as I say
goodbye, so soon,
and isn't this a crime…"
Now only Dorlock Homes, Dr. Watkins and Clyde Bunnersham, staring out of his glass bottle prison at the two tied to the giant mousetrap. Watkins asked his partner in bewilderment, "W-wh-wh-what did he mean by an eng-g-g-agement at Buckingham Palace?"
Dorlock sighed and moaned in a depressed monotone, "Haven't you figured it out yet, doctor? The Queen's in danger and the empire's doomed…"
"T-th-th-t-th-the Queen?!" Watkins asked, now in shock.
…
Over at Buckingham Palace, people were entering for the Queen's Diamond Jubilee. Inside her bedroom, Queen Webster was fixing herself up while looking in her mirror and humming "Rule Britannia," unaware that outside her doors, the royal guards were ambushed and replaced by Owen DeCassle's henchmen disguised as guards. Then one of them knocked at the door, distracting the Queen. She adjusted her crown and called, "Come in!"
The door opened and Colonel Rimfire, in his guard outfit, said, "Uh, begging your Majesty's pardon. A present has just arrived in honor of your Jubilee!" As he spoke, Wrenchfield and Bluebeard and Blacque Jacque Shellacque wheeled the large present into the room.
"A present?" Queen Webster asked in delight. "How wonderful!" She lifted up the bottom of her dress and walked over, giggling. "Ah, I just adore Jubilees!"
Wrenchfield took the attached note off the package and handed it to the Queen, saying "Here you are, sweetheart."
Queen Webster eyed Wrenchfield suspiciously and asked him, "Have you been with us… long?" She opened the note and pulled out her lorgnette spectacles, starting to read,
"To our beloved Queen,
this gift we send,
as her 60-year reign…
Comes to an end?"
That last line puzzled the Queen. But she was in for an even bigger surprise when Wrenchfield, Bluebeard and Rimfire pulled open the present to reveal an exact robot replica of Queen Webster! The real Queen looked over at her duplicate and studied it with her lorgnette, "How extraordinary…"
But then the robot suddenly came to life and lunged at the Queen, chasing her around the bedroom!
"Goodness gracious!" Queen Webster exclaimed. The robot suddenly stopped as Owen DeCassle appeared in the doorway, with Bugs Bunnersham behind him at the robot's controls.
"Amazing likeness, isn't it, your majesty?" Owen asked.
"Professor Owen DeCassle?!" Queen Webster angrily asked. "Guards! Seize this despicable creature!"
Wrenchfield and the other "guards" snickered, because they would only obey Owen DeCassle. He grabbed the bell-shaped microphone from the controls and made the robot Queen say, "Guards, seize this despicable creature!" He laughed cruelly into the microphone, making the robot Queen cackle the same way.
"How DARE you!" Queen Webster said as she tried to wrestle her way out of Bluebeard and Blacque Jacque's grips, but to no avail.
Owen commanded his "guards," "Take her away!" and tingled his little bell, as a signal to the Tasmanian Devil lurking somewhere.
As Bluebeard, Blacque and Wrenchfield all carried Queen Webster out of the room, she cried out, "Let go of me! You… you ruffians!"
"Move along, honey!" Wrenchfield croaked.
As the Queen wailed, "You fiends! Traitors!" Owen wiped his handkerchief on the cheek of the now-powered down Queen Webster robot.
…
Back at Owen DeCassle's lair, time was running out for Dorlock Homes and Dr. Watkins, still tied to the ACME Giant Mousetrap. Clyde Bunnersham was trying to pop the cork out of the bottle he was trapped in, but to no avail. All the while, the gramophone continued playing Owen's song as the cord attached to the tonearm and the cork holding the metal ball's can was tightening with each revolution of the record…
"Goodbye, a-so soon,
and isn't this a crime…"
Watkins was getting more and more anxious seeing all the weaponry around him, while Dorlock moped miserably.
"D-D-D-D-Dorlock?" Watkins nervously asked. When Dorlock let out a soft groan, Watkins asked louder, "Dorlock?!"
"Ohhh," Dorlock moaned, "how could I have been so blind?"
"N-n-n-n-n-now, we all make mistakes," Watkins said as an attempt at reassurance. "B-b-b-but we can't let that stop us! We have t-t-t-to…"
"Owen DeCassle has proved he's more clever than me," Dorlock mournfully said with a scoff. "He never would've walked into such an obvious trap!"
Now somewhat annoyed, Watkins continued trying to knock some sense into the duck detective, "Oh, p-p-pu-p-p-p-pu-p-pull yourself together! You can stop that villain! Why…"
"Oh, it's finally happened!" Dorlock interrupted, feeling hopeless. "I've been outwitted! Beaten! Duped! Made a fool of!"
"Oh, Dorlock, p-p-p-please…" Watkins muttered as he shook his head in annoyance.
But Dorlock kept going on. "Ridiculed, belittled, spoofed…"
Unable to take Dorlock's gloominess any longer, Watkins snapped and shouted, "THAT'S ENOUGH!" He then glanced over at the gramophone, noticing that the song was pretty much three-quarters of the way through…
"You followed me, I followed you,
we were like each other's shadows for a while.
Now as you see, this game is through
so although it hurts…"
"D-d-d-da-d-da-dash it all, Dorlock!" Watkins said, feeling pretty peeved. "The Q-Qu-Q-Qu-Queen's in danger, the empire's d-d-d-d-doomed, Clyde's counting on us, we're ab-b-b-bout to be horribly mutila-m-mu-mutil-m-mu-m-m-mutil, er, splattered and all you can do is lie there feeling sorry for yourself! N-n-n-now, I know you can save us, b-b-but if you've given up then why don't we just set it off now and be d-d-d-d-done with it?!" He fumed in his ropes, figuring that it was indeed hopeless.
"We know by now, that time knows how to fly…" Owen's vocals on the record continued, closer to the end than ever.
Dorlock gave a weak chuckle and said to himself, "'Set it off now'…" But saying that gave him a brilliant idea. "Set it… off… now?" he repeated thoughtfully as his eyes widened. And with that, he began to chuckle dementedly as his eyes started to look wild. "Y-yeah! Woo-hoo! Yes! We'll… we'll set the trap off now!" he said even louder, giving a maniacal grin.
This horrified Watkins. "D-D-D-Dorlock, wait!" he stammered. "I-I-I didn't really mean…"
But as he said that, the song ended. "…so soon, goodbye!" Watkins gasped in horror as he watched the tonearm go into the lock groove on the record, its' cord pulling the cork out from under the can and releasing the metal ball and sending it down a pipe.
As the trap was going into motion, Dorlock quickly and carefully looked over how everything was set up, mumbling a bit. As the metal ball continued through the pipes down a chute aimed at the mousetrap, Dorlock mumbled a bit more and then said, "Yes, if we time this just right, we can escape AND save Clyde… Watkins, at the exact moment I tell you, we must release the trigger!" As the ball got closer, Watkins got more scared at the idea of what could be suicide. Indeed, he barely had his hand resting on the trigger while Dorlock already had a firm grip. "Get ready, Watkins, steady…" Dorlock ordered, all the while Watkins was just barely hiding his panicked fear. "Now!" Dorlock said.
As Watkins impulsively yelled "Noooooooo!" they hit the trigger, causing the metal bar to be stopped by the metal ball right between their heads. The ensuing vibrations loosened one of the mousetrap's pegs, sending it towards the cannon, changing its' aim so it fired at the crossbow, now instead of being aimed at Dorlock and Watkins it ricocheted at the axe, slicing off its' head and causing the blade to fall lengthwise, cutting through the ropes and mousetrap, effectively freeing the two and allowing them to get out of the way of the anvil that fell just a couple seconds later, crushing the axe head and broken mousetrap.
The anvil's force rattled Clyde Bunnersham's bottle, causing it to bounce a bit and loosen the cork, sending him flying through the air as Watkins leaned against the anvil, panting and sighing with relief. Dorlock quickly whipped off his sailor jacket and pink sweater to reveal his inverness coat, put his deerstalker cap back on, and put one of his arms around Watkins, saying, "Thank you, Watkins." Clyde was able to land right into Dorlock's other open arm, and the duck brought the two of them closer to hi, saying "Smile, everyone!"
Sure enough, the camera that Owen DeCassle had set up snapped a photo of the three, with Dorlock giving a brilliant smile as Watkins and Clyde both looked stunned and confused. "OK," Dorlock said, "now let's get out of this dump and save the Queen!"