AN: Here it is, the new posting schedule! Hope you all enjoy!
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"Please Black." Severus' smirk covered half his face. "Please repeat what you just said."
Sirius scowled as he replied through gritted teeth, "Fine, you were right. Aristophanes' speech was the best part of the book. It was beautiful, and I enjoyed it."
"It would serve you well to remember this moment." Severus sat on the couch and crossed his legs. "I am right about a great deal of the time."
"Of course you're always right," Sirius muttered.
Severus' eyes were agleam.
"Except," Sirius' glow intensified. "How did things with Hermione go again?"
"Very well." Severus' expression softened.
"Who gave you advice on apologizing to women?"
Severus was white.
"I mean your apology seems to have gone over well." His lips curled up. "I would imagine you managed to avoid using the word 'but.' Only an expert would have prevented you from making that error."
"I managed a sufficient apology on my own."
"With my help."
He frowned.
"See, I am correct about a few things as well." Sirius' expression matched that of Severus' a few seconds prior.
"Even you cannot be incorrect all the time," Severus admitted.
"Ha!" Sirius pointed to him and grinned.
"Do not get used to being right." Severus warned. "I guarantee you will disappoint yourself more often than not."
"I could say the same to you."
"Believe me, I am correct far more often than you are." He uncrossed his legs.
"Do you have any proof of that?"
"Yes, I am a professor, and you are not. That is evidence enough of my correctness in matters of the mind."
"Yet I knew infinitely more about interacting with women than you do."
Severus furrowed his eyebrows.
"Oh don't look at me like that. You should be grateful for me. I saved us both from going to Purgatory, and kept Hermione in your afterlife. "
"It is nice to keep the mission going anyway."
"You couldn't have done that without me."
"You gave some interesting advice. At the end of the day, I was the one who reconciled with her, not you."
"I didn't upset her in the first place though. You were the one who got yourself into that mess, and I helped get you out of it."
Severus twisted his lower lip.
"In all honesty." The playfulness was gone from Sirius' eyes. "We need to work on finding her soulmate."
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me," Sirius picked up the book and opened it to the beginning of Aristophanes' speech. "It says all people roam the earth until we find our other half. If we find that person, then we are so ecstatic we will want to be fused to them."
"That is just a story," Severus leaned over and examined the page he was pointing too.
"There's some truth to it."
"Are you telling me you believe people used to have two heads?"
"Of course not." Sirius put the book down. "Everyone knows they used to have three heads."
Severus' eyes bulged.
"I knew I'd get you on that." Sirius laughed.
Severus' glow dimmed. "If you are quite done teasing me…"
"I am." Sirius settled himself. "To return to the topic at hand, I think she could use her soulmate, someone who completes her."
"She is a complete person without a man."
"Of course she is. I didn't mean to imply otherwise," Sirius replied. "Still, even you said she should find a virtuous friend. What if we were sent to play matchmaker between her and some lucky eligible bachelor?"
"If all I came down to do was play matchmaker then I will tell her goodbye and begin serving my Purgatory sentence," Severus replied.
Sirius' glow was a dull red. "You said it was a good idea a few days ago."
"It is," Severus admitted. "Yet I don't think any man is worthy of Hermione's affections."
"Oh?" Sirius' glow returned to its usual hue.
"Hermione is a unique witch, someone who requires an intellectual equal who treats her like the amazing witch she is. I do not think anyone fits that description."
"Is that the real issue, or are you just overprotective of her?"
"Overprotective?"
"Yes," Sirius smiled. "You want to protect her feelings."
"No, I'm simply focusing in on our mission. We're meant to help her find eudaimonia. In the process of finding it her heart needs to be protected from dunderheads such as Ronald. From that angle yes, I am protective of Hermione"
"What if I told you I'll be really careful who I select to be her potential partner?"
"I highly doubt you will put in the necessary care to find someone worthy of her," Severus crossed his arms over his chest. "Knowing you, you will find someone who is attractive and neglect to ascertain his actual compatibility with her."
"What if I show him to you first?"
"How can I see him if I can only visit Hermione's house?"
"I can give you a description of him. If you think he sounds compatible, you can convince Hermione to seek him out," Sirius suggested.
"What if I find his description lacking?" Severus drawled.
"Then I can find someone else, so long as you agree that this idea may work."
"It could work very well." Severus' glow was a dull blue.
Sirius cocked his head. "What is your problem?"
"I do not have a problem." His glow returned to normal.
"Yes you do. Every time I mention this plan you either turn red or blue. What is your deal?"
"Nothing. I only fear this plan will blow up in our faces."
"If one man doesn't work out, we'll find another."
"She can only have her heart broken so many times before she becomes even more bitter than she already is."
"You're right." Sirius tapped his chin. "We wouldn't want her to turn out like you."
"Excuse me?" Severus snapped.
You heard me.
"There are worse things to be than me," Severus argued.
"Not many."
Severus' glow was a dull red.
"Anyway, I'm going to need your help."
Severus' glow returned to its usual hue.
"If you were Hermione, where would you go to find a lover?"
"I wouldn't have the foggiest clue."
Sirius glared at him.
"I am not trying to thwart you," he answered. "I genuinely do not know where most women go to find a man. I am inept in their ways after all."
"You are inept, but you know her! She's the person you've spent the better part of two weeks with. You have to know enough about her to think like her."
"Very well." He tapped the couch cushion. "She's an academic at heart, so I would propose going to a conference or a university. The library would be another place to look."
"Great," Sirius moaned. "More boring academic speeches. Maybe if I'm really lucky someone will drone on about Plato for hours on end."
"I thought you appreciated Plato now."
"I do, but I don't want to hear someone overanalyze him in a low monotone voice."
"Then do not search in a Plato conference. Visit a potions conference, or look at the arithmancy department of a university."
"Those could work."
"A librarian would make her happy, or someone who works with books."
"Yeah." Sirius nodded. "Those could work too."
"I wouldn't opt for a salesman," Severus warned. "She deserves someone more honest than one of them."
"I agree."
"You will not find a man worthy of Hermione though."
"Give me a chance. I'll find her perfect love for her, and you'll help her win him over."
"He should be winning Hermione over, not vice versa."
"We have no control over him, but we can interact with her."
"True, but we cannot allow her to embarrass herself for an unworthy man," Severus argued.
"Trust me, I know what women want. We will find the perfect man for her."
"I suppose we will." Severus' glow was blue again.
"Why are you so sad?" Sirius stared at him. "Are you upset because you feel James stole your soulmate?"
"I am not upset at all." Severus wished he could've huffed to emphasize his point.
"You are blue. Something about this plan is depressing the hell out of you."
"I've told you all my objections, yet you fail to take my warnings into account. There is little else I can do other than pray this does not blow up in her face."
"You know, you're acting as if the only man competent enough to be Hermione's man is you."
"Me?" Severus was white.
"Yes," Sirius replied. "You think everyone is so incompetent compared to you. It is as if only you can have an idea that will make Hermione happy."
"You have no idea how I feel about all of this."
"Do you know how you feel about this?"
"I feel irritated and wary of this plan."
"Is that all you feel?"
Severus snarled. "What are you, my therapist?"
Before Sirius could answer, he pulled out Metaphysics and began to read.
"I may need a therapist after all this," Sirius grumbled.
Severus turned the page.
Sirius pulled out his book, wondering where to begin searching for Hermione's soulmate.
Severus stared at his page, wondering why he desperately wanted Sirius' plan to fail.