Chapter 6: Always and Never Alone

Victor stood quietly at the counter in the master bathroom of his lovely Saint Petersburg home, wearing nothing but a towel and a pensive expression as he followed the directions on the box he held, then set the developing pregnancy test on the counter. He glanced down at the sleepy looking poodle that laid on the floor nearby and sighed.

"You know," he said, crouching down to pat the old dog's fuzzy head, "for such a simple test, that was a lot of trouble I went to. I don't mind dressing up for competitions and pretending, but having to change my hair and clothes and pretend to be someone else for something like this? I didn't do anything wrong…but all omegas are ever taught by this world is that everything we are…everything we do…is wrong."

He shook his head and sighed again.

"Do you know how long it took me to get all of that spray color out of my hair? How awful it felt, wearing padding to hide the shape of my body? Taking public transportation to a scary neighborhood, just to be sure that I wasn't recognized?"

He bit at his lips and rubbed his hands over his face, standing.

"But I need to know, right?"

He left the bathroom with Maccachin on his heels, and walked out into the bedroom, where he looked out the window, into the sky.

"I need to know before anyone else, so I can try to think of what to do. I could hide this well enough through the European Championships, but if I am…? If I am pregnant, can I get through worlds without it being exposed? Once that competition is over, I have plenty of time to drop quietly out of sight and have the baby. I know Yakov and Lilia would help me come up with something to explain me suddenly having a child. Still…what happens after that…if this is true?"

He looked down at Macca's sympathetic face as the old dog whined and licked his hand.

"I know you understand, Maccachin," he answered, stroking his poodle's face tenderly, "Thank god you're here, because otherwise I really would be doing this all alone. Maybe I should have told Yakov. After the nationals, he was suspicious, but I did better at hiding the fact that the nausea wasn't going away. I just…didn't want anyone to know."

He turned his head to look out the window again.

"I know Lilia and Yakov think that I shouldn't be ashamed to be an omega, but even though they feel that way, even they knew what would have happened if I'd been publicly acknowledged as one. They know how omegas are looked down on. And do you know, even I look down on myself, when I know it's wrong to do that? I don't mean to, but it's a burden having to hide from everyone. Having to be one thing on the inside, but always wear a mask on the outside. Everyone loves my alpha mask so much, would they ever be able to accept who I really am?"

He closed his eyes for a moment, breathing slowly as tears burned in the corners of his eyes.

What hurts the most is that there is so much love all around me, but I feel that because it's love for the mask I wear, it doesn't belong to me. Yakov says that I'm being silly, that their love for me has to do with my talent on the ice, and that it is me they are loving.

I don't know.

I just feel like the lies around me are a thick wall that nothing can pass through.

He flinched as a beeping sound issued from his cell phone and he touched a lit button to quiet the notification. He forced a smile and patted Maccachin on the head, then he crouched and put his arms around the poodle. Reading his melancholy, Maccachin quivered and whimpered, licking his cheek.

"Will you walk with me, old friend?" Victor asked.

A very small, but genuine smile returned as he stood and, just as he had since Victor was twelve years old and the dog was a puppy, Maccachin took up a position at his side.

"Thank you, Maccachin."

The old poodle whimpered again and nuzzled his hand. The two walked back to the bathroom together.

These steps feel so heavy.

I feel so anxious and helpless to do anything now.

Victor picked up the test and read the result. He swallowed hard and gave in to the odd feeling of weakness in his legs and just sat down and hugged Maccachin without saying anything.

Just like that, it's over. All of my worst fears are true. Yuuri knows that I'm an omega and he could reveal it at any time. I am pregnant and I don't know if I can get through worlds. And even if I do, how can I keep doing this?

He looked down and realized suddenly that his hands had released the old dog and now laid on his abdomen in what looked like a protective gesture.

What does this mean?

I know I don't want to be pregnant, and the answer should be simple. If I want to continue the way I was, I could end the pregnancy. It's simple and can be done easily and privately. I wouldn't even have to tell Yakov or Lilia. It could be over with by tonight and I could just explain it off when I miss a few practices while I recover. I could perform in the world championships without worrying about symptoms and not have to hide the pregnancy as it progresses. It's three months along, so I would have to start worrying about showing weight gain soon. So many complications could be avoided if I just…

He shivered, looking down at his hands, then he pulled them away with an effort, removing the towel so that he could look at the bare flesh of his belly. He sucked in a surprised breath.

It's a very small change, but I see it…just that small rounding.

That isn't nothing.

That isn't something easily dealt with.

We've only just met and we can't even see each other, but already I want to embrace you. I know what will happen, but there is this feeling inside I can't even describe.

What is it?

His mind went back to the softer program and the feelings that had made him create it.

So, this is it?

This is unconditional love?

This is…Agape?

This is the real reason that I've been wanting to hide you. This is why I just stopped drinking, even though it made the nausea even worse and I went through withdrawal. This is what made my heart come up with the Agape program. It's been you all along, hasn't it?

Victor looked down at his belly again, his fingers gently brushing the tears from where they had leaked onto his face. His body relaxed and he laid his hands on his belly again, closing his eyes.

"Agape," he breathed softly, "unconditional love…like God's love, or a parent's. To me, that means…"

He flinched as an image flashed in his mind.

He laid on his back on an operating table with a drape across his body, hiding what was happening on the other side. He felt a sensation like something heavy, squeezing his chest and abdomen, and he grunted in distress. A little weight on his hand reminded him suddenly that he wasn't alone and he turned his head, expecting to see Lilia there. A gasp escaped him as he spotted Yuuri Katsuki's smiling face and heard his low, soft voice.

"It's going to be fine. Just…"

He broke off as a little cry sounded, and their eyes met, knowing what that sound was, and what it meant.

We're a family.

A little sob escaped him, and he hugged Maccachin tightly, burying his face in the old poodle's shoulder.

It's not going to be like that, is it? Yuuri was so disgusted by me being an omega that he left without us ever talking, and he's probably just not saying anything because he regrets biting me now. I'm just a weight that hangs around his neck and he doesn't even want to know about this baby. We'll never have that moment together, where we hear our baby's voice for the first time and we're happy because it makes us a family. I'm going to have to quit skating, aren't I? Will I have to give up everything? I have enough money that I'll never have to work at another job, but can I do it? Can I raise a baby alone?

He was comforted slightly as he thought of how Yakov, Lilia and Valentin would all react.

"I guess I won't be alone, whatever happens," he whispered, rubbing his face against Maccachin's hair and kissing him on the top of the head, "I still have a few people to help me, and I still have you."

He thought back fondly to the day he and the now aged poodle had met.

He laid on the examination table, reeling at his doctor's calm proclamation at his yearly physical.

"You are beginning to show signs of being an omega."

"I'm…?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so. Yakov has asked me not to divulge this information to anyone, so I will not, but I have recommended that you move out of the skater's dormitory and into a private home if you plan to keep this information from becoming public. My nurse will instruct you on what to expect as your body matures and you begin to go into heat sometimes."

He barely heard anything else the doctor said, and he remained silent as Yakov retrieved him in the lobby and led him to the car.

"Don't worry about this," the old coach said reassuringly, "You're going to be fine. You are going to live with Lilia until you are old enough to live on your own…and…"

He broke off as a little bark sounded through the partially open window of Yakov's car.

"What is that?" Victor asked, finally breaking his silence.

"Hmph, it was Lilia's idea," Yakov grumbled, watching as the sulky pre-teen brightened and opened the car door, grinning widely at the little hairy bundle that charged at him and leapt into his arms.

"You're so cute!" Victor laughed, hugging the small puppy carefully against his chest, "What's his name, Yakov?"

"Eh, I suppose it's whatever you want it to be."

Victor's head tilted and he studied the beautiful little poodle's silvery beige coat. He gave the dog a little wink and the poodle licked his cheek.

"I'll call you Maccachin!" Victor announced.

"Who's a what?" Yakov grunted, giving the youth a baffled look, "What does that even mean?"

"What does it mean?" Victor giggled, "It means this boy, right Macca?"

The little puppy barked and wagged his tail.

"That's not what I…"

"I just like the way it sounds," Victor laughed, hopping into the back seat with the dog.

Yakov studied the two for a moment, then grunted again and shook his head.

"Boys…"

Victor took a steadying breath, bringing himself to his full height, then he drew steadying breaths until his heart returned to what felt like a normal rhythm. He dressed slowly, chatting absently with Maccachin and trying desperately to pretend it was like any other day.

Leaving the house with Macca on his heels brought back a measure of normality, but as much as he was beginning to feel all right again, it all went awry as he spotted a young, slim blonde boy, standing on the overpass ahead of him, looking like he was waiting.

Yuri Plisetsky.

What a damned nuisance. He's there every time I have to go to practice. He does live near here, but why does he also seem to always be going to the rink every time I am? He is rude, foul-mouthed, he doesn't listen to anything Yakov says (although I can't really fault him for that without being hypocritical) and he's just plain annoying to be around. I would say he looks up to me, but he's so disrespectful, it can't really be called that, can it?

"Hey Victor," Yuri greeted him, "You're kind of late, aren't you?"

"Am I?"

"You're usually earlier."

"I had things to do."

He sighed as he headed past the youth and Yuri fell in beside him.

He's a feisty tomcat who does have advanced skills. There is no one who can match him at the junior level, so he's cocky…at least until he moves up soon and gets the shock of his life.

Victor tried to enjoy the thought, but it rang hollow in his heart.

He has youth and talent on his side, and he is a talented beta without the baggage that I carry. But he lacks the powerful aura of an alpha and the imagination and creative vision of an omega, so he'll need help to grow, but with proper grooming, he will be a top contender.

"Did you hear what I just said?" Yuri asked crossly.

"No, I kind of missed it."

"It figures."

"What did you say then?" Victor asked absently.

"Just forget it, old man. You'll just forget it again before you can answer. I don't know why Yakov doesn't make you quit. You're only going to lose your place to me when I move up."

"You wish," Victor snorted, "But go ahead and try. It will be entertaining, watching you."

"It will be more fun watching you as your bones get all brittle and your hair and teeth fall out."

"Is there a reason why you're following me?" Victor asked, turning and stopping, "As much as I dearly love our heart to heart conversations, you are a cocky little asshole and I don't like you. Please go away."

Shit.

What was that I just said?

I never talk like that to anyone…as much as they may deserve it! It was like he hit my last nerve and I just let loose. What's wrong with me? Or, at least, I suppose it must be the hormonal changes in my body.

Should I apologize?

But, he kind of deserved it.

No, he really deserved it.

"Fine. You want to walk alone, I have better things to do than waste my time on you."

"What a shame."

"Yeah, I can tell that it's really breaking your heart."

"And that bothers you?"

"Not really, but I suppose I have to keep you around until you make good on your promise."

Victor gave him a blank look and Yuri snarled.

"You said that if I win the junior worlds without doing any quads, you would design a program, just for me! Don't tell me you fucking forgot!"

"Oh that," Victor snickered, "Well, you haven't won the junior worlds yet, have you."

"I'm going to!" Yuri snapped, "And then you are going to make that program for me."

"Of course. Of course. All right. And you don't have to follow me around like a lost puppy. I'll do it even if you don't."

"If you remember, that is," Yuri sighed, shaking his head.

"I don't know why you're so worried," Victor teased him, "Why do you need anything from an old man whose bones are going to get brittle and whose hair and teeth are going to fall out soon?"

"Hmph, you may be getting old and your body may be falling apart, but you still know how to make winning programs."

"Oh, is that your version of a compliment?" Victor inquired blithely, "I'll be honest. It could use some work."

"Oh, shut up!" Yuri huffed as the two reached the ice rink and entered, only to be met with an instant scolding.

"You two are late!" Yakov snapped, "Quit wasting my time and get your skates on."

Victor sighed and sat down on a bench to put on his skates, while Yuri and Yakov exchanged more heated words.

When will he learn that the best way to handle Yakov's shouting is to stay very calm and not get so angry. It's hard to provoke someone who won't fight back with you. I just let him yell at me and eventually he stops. What's the point in raising my blood pressure along with his?

Victor was grateful that his younger teammate's antics kept Yakov diverted, so that he could move onto the ice and away from the fracas. He skated to the far end of the rink and let his mind wander as he warmed up slowly.

Agape? Or Eros?

He closed his eyes and imagined Yuuri Katsuki, the way he had been on the night of the Grand Prix Final banquet. His body moved, echoing the music that he had felt coming off of Yuuri's drunken, senseless form.

He was so beautiful when he let go of his anxieties and courted me like the alpha he is. He danced with the others to 'earn' the right to dance with me, then he took me to the stars! I felt so light, so free, even though he was holding me while we moved together. It was amazing. I don't remember ever having so much fun. He was like a beautiful playboy, come to town to ravish me. Unfortunately, like a playboy, he also tired of me quickly, once he had what he wanted.

"VITYA, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" Yakov roared, almost making the Russian legend lose his balance.

Victor slid to a stop and realized suddenly that everyone in the rink was staring at him, and they all wore, aroused, mesmerized expressions.

"It…was an idea for my next short program," Victor answered honestly, "What's the matter? Don't you like it?"

The old man ran the back of an arm over his sweating forehead.

"Just get back to concentrating on your programs for worlds!" the old man snarled, turning away.

Victor heard a feminine giggle and turned to see Mila give him a wink.

"I think it's perfect," she laughed, "I don't think the judges will know what hit them."

"Shut up, idiot!" Yuri scoffed, "He can't do something like that on the ice. It'll melt and he'll have to swim his goddamned program!"

Victor sighed and skated to the opposite end of the rink. He tried dutifully to work on his current programs, but found himself distracted and skidding to a stop as a feeling like little bubbles went through his midsection.

"What's wrong now?" Yakov demanded.

He waited until Yakov was focused on his other skaters, then laid a hand on his belly and closed his eyes for a moment.

Are you letting me know you're there, little one? I feel that. I'm with you. Let's skate together, okay? I want you to feel what I've been feeling.

He moved then, through the Agape program, feeling the music all around him and inside him and wondering if maybe the child growing inside him could feel the music too.

"Vitya…"

Yakov's reprimand was softer this time and carried no hint of real anger.

"You should really focus on the programs for worlds."

"I know," Victor panted softly, nodding at his coach and taking up his proper position, "I'm sorry, Yakov. I was distracted, but it's fine now."

"Is it really?" Yakov wondered aloud, as Victor began to practice Stammi Vicino.

I wonder, Vitya.

Are you really okay?

That program was beautiful and so were you, but…it also felt for a moment like my heart was breaking. Just remember that, whatever is happening inside you…you are not alone.