Chapter 8: A Million Dreams

(Inspired by Pink's "A Million Dreams")

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(Hey there, everyone! Just a note to wish all of you comfort and good health in the midst of the current global health crisis. It may be grim and scary right now, but I am here for you. Be careful. Be safe. And above all, be good to the other humans around you. Take advantage of every opportunity to show your kindness to others, even if it has to happen from 6 feet away. I love you all and I will keep the magic happening here. Cheers, Spunky)

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The sound of his alarm clock brought Victor out of a sound sleep and he found himself already smiling as he reached over and touched the button to quiet the beeping. His sleepy looking eyes opened and blinked, then he laughed as Maccachin crawled onto his back and began vigorously licking the side of his face in greeting.

"What are you doing?" he laughed, trying to sit up, only to be pushed over and licked more, "Silly dog!"

He turned and Macca rolled onto his back, barking and wiggling while Victor rubbed his belly and scratched him under the chin.

"Did you have sweet dreams, Maccachin?" he asked, continuing to caress the happily nuzzling poodle, "Mine were so good that I don't know if I wanted to wake up."

The dreams were good anyway, and very happy. The only kind of sad part was that, while I dreamed of my child, I also dreamed of us being a family…the three of us. I know it isn't going to happen, but that doesn't stop me from wishing it could somehow be.

If only Yuuri could have accepted this.

He bit his lip gently, looking regretfully down at his belly.

If he could have accepted me…us.

He pushed the thought away and looked down into his old poodle's large, friendly eyes.

"Come on, silly dog," Victor said, climbing out of the bed, "Enough daydreaming. We have things to do today."

A laugh escaped him as his stomach rumbled noisily.

"Hmm, better get some breakfast, eh? The little one is hungry!"

He dressed hastily, then hurried to the kitchen, where rifled through the refrigerator, grabbing several things that he set out on the counter.

"I'm starving already!" he complained as he first put down food for the old poodle, who immediately began devouring it, "I don't even want to wait for toast."

Sighing impatiently, he ate the bread plain and followed it up with warmed leftovers from the night before, then several pieces of fresh fruit and a cup of decaffeinated tea. Finally sated, he pushed away from the table and headed for the front door, grabbing his skater bag and throwing it over his shoulder.

"Come, Maccachin!" he called out, pausing to choose music to listen to on his cell phone and putting the earbuds into his ears.

He set out at a jog, heading down the street, then through the park near his home and over the bridge.

Hmm, thank goodness I'm early this morning. That little brat, Yuri, isn't here. I can skate in peace.

He quickened his pace, glancing back to make sure that the old poodle was still with him, and the two reached the ice rink, still well ahead of the junior champion.

"Morning Katina!" he called out cheerfully as he caught the young woman heading for the door.

"Good morning, Vitya," Katina giggled, "You're early."

"Mmhmm, so are you," Victor replied, noticing the delicious looking pastry the rink attendant was carrying.

Katina giggled again and broke off half, handing it to him.

"There," she laughed, "I saw you ogling it."

"Oh, you are an angel!" Victor said, accepting the pastry and starting on it right away.

"What's the matter? You didn't eat breakfast?" Katina asked playfully.

Victor shrugged.

"Eating for two?" he joked, smirking at the hidden truth in the words.

"You must be," the young woman answered, looking amused.

"Say, Katina," Victor said, glancing over his shoulder to be sure that Yuri was not anywhere to be seen, "would you do me a favor?"

"Anything for you, Vitya," Katina assured him, "What do you need? More pastry? A date? A wife and children? I'm yours, of course."

"Oh, it's kind of boring, compared to that," Victor snickered, "I just want you to keep Yuri out of the rink for about a half hour so I can warm up without him annoying me. I know it might be a lot to ask…"

Katina gave him a sly look.

"Leave it to me. I've got this."

Still laughing to himself, Victor hurried inside and changed quickly into his skates. He only slowed as he stepped onto the ice and he closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in slowly and waiting for a song to start playing in his head.

Each time I come here. Each time I step out onto the ice…with the lights still off and only some natural light coming in from outside, I let my emotions come to the surface and a song will usually come into my head that has the feeling I want.

He smiled approvingly as a song popped into his head and he quickly looked it up on his playlist.

A Million Dreams…that is what I feel my future is.

He drew in a long, slow breath and let it out again as he skated to the center of the rink and the music began to play.

And it is not just my future, but this child's too. This may not have happened at the time I would have chosen, and it may not have happened exactly as I would have wanted, but given this honor of holding a child's life in my hands, I want to do what I wish my parents had done for me.

Although his ocean colored eyes remained open, they went hazy and took on a dreamy look as he pushed out and spun, then turned and began to gather speed.

I know what it feels like to have been thrown away, so I refuse to throw away my own child. I know what it feels like to be lonely and sad, so I will let my child know that he or she is never alone and never unloved. I will give to my child the love I was denied, care for them as a parent should.

His slender body swiftly enslaved by the music he was hearing, swayed in time as he skated, and his arms reached out gracefully, then pulled in again as he made a few more turns and threw himself into the air.

I will teach my child that the obstacles we face are nothing but a challenge that motivates us to learn to fly!

He felt a burst of intense happiness at the sound his skates made as they came down onto the ice again and he danced into a long spin, before turning out and gliding across the ice.

I wonder…

He skated backwards in a zigzag motion, turning slowly as a bright image began to fill his mind.

He stepped onto the ice, and he was sure that he had come to the rink alone, but as he moved forward, a small hand slipped into his and a pair of bright blue eyes looked up at him. His feet came to a sudden stop and the little dark-haired girl with him lost her grip and started to fall.

"Whoa!" he gasped, sweeping her up and swinging her around as he turned and looked happily into her eyes.

"Daddy!" she scolded him playfully.

"Dance with me, solnyshko!" he laughed, holding the wiggling child against him.

"Daddy!"

"Hold on!"

He swept across the ice, lifting the girl over his head as she held onto his hands and squealed…a sound filled with mingled excitement and a little edge of fear.

"It's okay," he reassured her, "You won't fall. I'm going to spin us."

"Oh, I don't know…"

"Hang on."

Still holding the girl over his head, he made a little hop into a measured spin. The little girl's face lit brightly and she let go of his gripping hands and spread her arms out.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

He brought her down, then turned her in his arms so that she was facing him. He held her on one arm, placing the other in a dance position as they soared across the ice again.

"You are a lovely dancer," he complimented her, laughing at the skeptical look she gave him.

"My feet aren't even on the ice, Daddy. It's you who's dancing, not me."

"Well, there's only one way to fix that," he replied, lowering her carefully and setting her on her feet.

He held onto her hands, skating forward as she skated backwards, looking up at him and grinning widely.

"You're skating now, aren't you?"

"You're pushing me. I can do it myself."

"I know you can," he assured her, "I just like to dance with you. Give an old man a little bit of happiness, okay? You've got plenty of time to grow up and run off and leave me behind."

"Daddy!" she laughed, freeing her hands and turning away.

And oddly, as she moved away, she seemed to grow, and her turns and spins and jumps became more and more impressive. So enchanted, he barely noticed his own feet slowing, then his skates disappearing altogether. Until he was no longer on the ice, but only watching as she skated to music all her own.

"Vitya."

Yakov's surprised voice brought Victor out of his reverie, and he found himself sliding to a stop in front of his wide-eyed coach, who stood alongside an equally enthralled Yuri and Mila.

"What was that?" his coach asked, tilting his head thoughtfully, "If that was for next season, you should develop it."

"If that's what he's doing for next season, I think he's going to win another gold at worlds," Mila breathed, shaking her head.

For once, Yuri seemed unable to say anything.

"Hey Yakov," Victor said suddenly, "You know, I have some things to do today, so I came early and practiced a bit already. I'm going to take the rest of the day off, okay?"

"Wh-what?" Yakov stammered as Victor skated to the exit and stepped off the ice.

He ignored his coach's scolding as he changed back into his street shoes and he ran out of the ice rink with Maccachin following. He jogged all of the way home and hurried inside, stopping in the kitchen for a large sandwich before heading to the guest room that he had begun to alter in preparation for the baby he carried. He pushed the door open and smiled widely at the spectacle inside.

Lovely dark wood paneling gave the room a warm, comforting feeling and several shelves held soft plush animals, several of them poodles. The mobile over the wooden crib was also adorned with poodles.

I hope you will like dogs.

He tried to imagine the little baby lying there, gazing up through bright eyes at the poodles as the tinkling music played.

I can't wait for this.

He made his way around the room, dusting even though the room didn't need it, then vacuuming the carpet. Victor heard his cell phone ringing and he paused in his cleaning, brushing his messy bangs back as he glared at the offending device and checked the screen.

"Yakov," he sighed, reaching down to rub his belly, then he smirked and answered aloud in singsong without picking up the phone, "I told you I need the rest of the day off today."

He tried not to think about the doctor's appointment he'd had the day before.

"Is there something wrong?" he asked anxiously as his physician looked carefully over the results of his latest blood and urine tests.

"No," the doctor answered, looking up from the papers, "I was just making sure everything looked normal, and it does. I do want to remind you of what I told you before…that there is a higher rate of miscarriage and a higher death rate for male omegas."

"But I thought that the greatest danger from that was in the first trimester and I'm at the end of that, right?" he inquired.

"That is true," the doctor affirmed, "You do have everything going for you. You are young and very healthy. You have come through the past weeks successfully and your results look fine. I do worry, of course, about you competing at the world championships, not so much because a fall might hurt the baby, but because you might be more prone to falling and to injury because of the changes in your body. Vitya, I think that you need to at very least tell Yakov that you are with child."

"I will tell him. I'm just not ready. You don't know how up in arms he'd be, and he might tell me not to compete or something, when I've seen you and you've said that I'm fine. What good would it do to worry him? I'm not going to keep it from him much longer. I promise you, after worlds, I am going to tell him."

"That is good," the doctor said, smiling at his stubborn patient, "because as I've also told you, while the risk of miscarriage will decrease, the risk to you is greater in the later…"

"Can't you just let me have one minute of feeling good?" Victor complained, "You know, like a second of thinking that everything will just be okay? All you ever seem to talk about are the risks and the bad things. You know, I'm happy that I'm pregnant now, and I want to enjoy the experience. I love how it feels when the baby makes me have that bubbly feeling inside and how it gives me hunger pangs and funny urges to clean everything and buy things for the baby!"

The doctor smiled and held up his hands defensively.

"I'm sorry," he chuckled, "I do want you to enjoy your pregnancy and the birth of your child. I just also feel obligated to make you aware of things that could happen, so that you can be prepared if they should."

"Everybody has to be a killjoy," Victor sighed, reaching under his shirt to stroke his belly tenderly, "You see why I don't want to say anything until after worlds? No one would leave us alone and we couldn't have all of this quality time with me eating everything in sight, and cleaning and making up your nursery."

He looked around the newly remodeled and decorated bedroom.

"Of course, I've gained weight and had to take my costumes out secretly without Yakov or anyone noticing."

He paused and looked sheepishly down at his belly.

"At least, I think no one's noticed. I was lucky to have chosen costumes that hide that pretty well."

He looked around the finished nursery and gave a little, weary nod.

"Okay, time to eat again," he chuckled.

He turned out of the room and started towards the kitchen, only to pause a moment later, grunting and grimacing as an odd pain radiated through his insides, making his head spin for a long moment as he tried to breathe through the sensation.

"Oh…"

The pain faded swiftly, and although he moved his body experimentally, it seemed not to return. Victor sighed and shook his head as a hunger pang made his stomach rumble loudly.

"All right," he laughed, still a tad weakly, "I guess it's time to stop cleaning and eat."

The pain didn't return, even during the rest of the day, and by evening when he showered, dressed in his pajamas and laid down with Maccachin, he forgot about the matter entirely.

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Phichit smiled and extended the hand holding his soda, tapping it lightly against the one Yuuri held, then the two raised their soda cans and tipped them to drink deeply.

"Ah," the Thai skater sighed, "I'm going to miss living with you, Yuuri. It's been fun being roommates. I wish you didn't have to go back to Japan. You know, it's still not too late to change your mind and continue with Coach Celestino. He really believes you can qualify again, for next year's Grand Prix Final."

"Hmm…yeah, I know," Yuuri answered, looking down through the hole in the top of his soda can and observing the dark, bubbly liquid, "and I haven't said that I'm going to quit. I could still decide to come back. I just need some time to think it all over. I was reconsidering, but then I tanked in the nationals, after the Grand Prix Final and…"

"I know you were disappointed, but I think you can do it too. But, I understand if you want to take some time to think it over. It's a big commitment."

"And a lot of money," Yuuri said, his head bowing further, "I just can't keep costing my family so much money when I'm not even qualifying for the major competitions. If this is a slump, I need to do something to get out of it. I don't know if that means a change in my training rink or coach, or if there's even anything at all I can do."

"Don't give up, okay?" Phichit said, laying a reassuring hand on his friend's shoulder, "You can do it, Yuuri. I know you can…and you will. Do what you've got to do and keep in touch, okay? I want to hear all about things in Japan."

"And I want to hear all about the things you're up to also," Yuuri replied, managing a little genuine smile, "because I'm going to miss living with you too. You're a good friend."

"You're the best friend I have," Phichit chuckled, pulling Yuuri into a warm hug that left the Japanese skater blushing cutely.

"Thanks, Phichit…for the encouragement and for being my best friend too. I promise you, I'll try to find a way not to have to quit. I love skating. It's just been hard lately because I've been in a slump. I'll go home, rest a little, then I'll figure out what I need to do to fix things."

"I know you will," Phichit said, pulling back to look into his eyes, "We're still going to the Grand Prix Finals together, Yuuri. It's gonna happen."

"Yeah," Yuuri answered in a half-hearted tone as he set his soda can in the recycling bucket and stood.

He picked up his skater bag and put it over his shoulder, then took hold of his suitcase, heading for the door, where he paused and looked back at his best friend again.

"Goodbye, Phichit," he said softly.

"Bye Yuuri. Come back soon."

"I'll try," Yuuri promised, "I really will."