Chapter 10: Yume

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Warning - This chapter contains an event that may be triggering for some. I've been careful to foreshadow this, but was advised to place a warning on the chapter as well. Rest assured that although this part of the story will have some darkness, both Yuuri and Victor are about to grow exponentially as separate people, and once they meet, they will finally be able to bond as a couple and grow even more together.

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As he stepped off of the plane and started towards the baggage claim, Yuuri was sure that each step felt heavier and harder to take. The feelings of disgrace that he has been able to push away while finishing his college degree in Detroit came roaring back as he spotted the banners all over the station that showed off his picture and wished him luck. His heart sank further and his anxiety spiked as he heard Minako's enthusiastic greeting and realized that there was no turning back. He couldn't change his mind now and just get on another plane to escape.

I'm home.

Hasetsu had always been a safe place, a place filled with kind, supportive people who encouraged and cheered for him as he trained and competed. He knew very well that his family would love him no matter what happened, on or off the ice. He had friends who would stick by him. But for some reason he couldn't fathom, none of that seemed to reach him through the haze of failure that left him filled with regret at disappointing them.

Minako prattled on and chided him for his behavior. His mother smiled and greeted him as warmly as ever. Toshiya wasted no time in offering him his favorite dinner, and Mari, who seemed the most aware of his state of mind, encouraged him and suggested a soak in the hot spring.

Everything is the same as I left it, five years ago, but I know I'm different. I don't feel like I deserve to be treated like some kind of hero. I've not been that. Not at all. I feel like I've let them all down. I've let myself down. All of the hours, the days, the months and the years I've spent training were for what?

He found himself suddenly standing in the dining area, his eyes glued to the TV screen where Victor Nikiforov, his reason for, well, everything, was running through the moves for his free skate, looking beautiful and full of confidence.

He's going to win. I heard that he set another record in his short program. I wonder how he manages to stay so calm. Maybe it's that he finds winning easy. There really isn't anyone who can challenge him, at this point. Strangely, the only time I've ever seen Victor not look happy in public…was when someone pointed that out to him. Even then, his smile only left him for a moment. Then, it came back in full force and he said, quite charmingly, "You never know. That is the nature of surprises, isn't it?"

"Are you going to sit down?" Minako asked impatiently, "It's going to start soon."

He was sure that he meant to move forward to join her and watch, but all of a sudden, he felt a knot in his throat and a jolt in his chest as his anxiety flared. He just couldn't sit and watch the competition that was supposed to be the place he could really have shown Victor his gratitude for the years of inspiration.

It's too much!

Instead, he turned and grabbed his backpack, then he dashed out the back of the inn.

"Where are you going?" his mother called after him, "You just got here and now you're leaving again?"

"Erm, I just need to get in a little practice!" he called out.

He barely heard and forced out a breathless answer to whatever she said next. Then, his feet were running and he was headed in the same direction he always ran when he was at home and his anxiety shot through the roof.

Though, I don't know why I'm so riled. I should be sitting there, watching Victor put in another flawless performance. Is it maybe because, now that I've seen him perform up close and in person, just seeing him on TV isn't enough anymore?

No…

It's that when I see him on TV, I start thinking again about how I had my chance to show Victor my gratitude for all that I learned from him. But there, in front of his eyes, I could barely breathe! And when I tried to skate, I just fell…again and again. I didn't show Victor anything he wanted to see. It was complete and utter humiliation. It felt so bad that I got stinking drunk that night at the banquet and I left as soon as I could the next morning. All that I wanted was to put that failure behind me. I was running away…

…but where am I going?

He reached Ice Castle Hasetsu and his feet stopped.

I didn't even stop to wonder if anyone would be here or if it would be okay to skate. I've been gone for five years and Yuuko's got the triplets now.

He was relieved to see that the lights were on, and just as always, Yuuko was working in the front of the rink, behind the desk.

"Ah, excuse me…" he began awkwardly.

"Sorry, we're closed," she called out, pausing to look at him.

Her breath caught as she realized.

"Yuuri, is that you?"

Yuuri relaxed as she greeted him enthusiastically, and in moments, he was putting on his skates and moving out, onto the ice, unaware of the three snickering girls, who hid a short distance away, phone cameras ready. At first, it seemed to just be boring adults talking, but several minutes in, Yuuko came out of the office and met Yuuri at the ice rink wall, unaware that on the TV screen in the office, behind her, Victor was skating out onto the ice to begin his free skate. Neither she, nor Yuuri, nor the softly giggling girls noticed that Victor's music on the television started in perfect sync with the music in the ice rink.

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It feels really different somehow tonight, Victor mused inwardly as he took a steadying breath, then gave Yakov a smile and a nod of acknowledgement and skated out to center ice, At first, I thought that it was that you were here with me. I felt you with me during the short program and that was heavenly. But, this time…it's almost like I can forget reality and imagine you, me and Yuuri as a family. I suppose that Stammi Vicino is truly about that secret, desperate, impossible desire. Yes, I can fully embrace that emotion, because it has transcended being just a program, and right now, it is the world I live in.

Yes.

At the core, I wish that I could give you that little family. That's not to say that you and I won't find our way. We will, somehow. It only means that I wish and for this moment, dream of something greater. I suppose that's what all of my programs are about…that desire, that longing, that deep, underlying need for connection. Maybe I feel close to that emotion tonight because we're in the land that gave life to your father, little one. And even though he's not here with us, I still feel his presence, and I can imagine things being different…Yuuri being able to accept and love me…the three of us having our chance to be together.

Let me tell you a secret, little one. Only the musician who composed Stammi Vicino and I know this tiny detail that make the song and program so real to me right now. Stammi Vicino is half of a duet. I told the composer to make it that way so that the song and my choreography would embody the sense that there should be a pair, a couple instead of just one dancer. The song was recorded with a single singer, then again with two voices, so that I could design the moves to feel as though there was supposed to be a second skater. When I dreamed all of this up, I had no idea who that other person would be. I just knew there should be another, and I tried to create a program that would inspire the audience to visualize this person who wasn't even really there.

The music began and Victor moved to it easily.

You see it, don't you, little one? The turns in which you can almost see Yuuri's arm supporting my body, the moves where his body would shadow mine. And this one male voice singing, but you can almost hear the second voice as a faint echo…distant, but still so present. This program is about love and it is about longing. It aches with passion and with pain, but it radiates that hope still burns. Stammi Vicino is the dream I have every night now when I sleep. I have no idea how it would ever come true, but that doesn't stop me from wishing for it…dreaming of it.

Deep in his thoughts, Victor lost all awareness of the skating arena and the fans, his mind trapped in the beauty of being able to imagine Yuuri Katsuki feeling the same, making the moves with him, dreaming alongside him.

I heard that I was Yuuri's inspiration. I was the reason that he began to skate. It was my work, my programs, my love for the ice that gripped him and made him the skater he is. While it's true that he crashed and burned quite badly at the Grand Prix Final, he showed such promise as a skater. I thought, at the time, it was a shame that he didn't do better, but that he just needed to work on his nerves. I hope he does that. Maybe, if we meet again…

…ah, but this is just a dream…

We had our moment, and as beautiful as it was, and as much as I wish it could have come out differently, as much as I dream of circumstances being different, in the end, I am here alone with just you, and that lovely boy who danced into my life for one day is…I don't know where.

I wonder if he is watching.

Does he regret dancing with me that night? Does he wish he hadn't learned I am an omega? Does he wish now that he could go back and erase everything? What is Yuuri Katsuki thinking of right now?

For one moment, as he entered the final combination spin, he recalled how it had felt to be held in Yuuri's arms during their dance. He imagined it in all of its enchanting detail until he could feel that sensation again. But as he struck his final pose and the music ended, all illusions shattered, and Victor found himself alone on the ice.

The roar of the audience and the approving look on Yakov's usually stern face told him that he had done well. But even the applause seemed empty somehow.

It's almost as if the love that my fans are sending just isn't reaching me. I usually feel almost euphoric at the end of a competition, and setting a record with five straight world championships should make it even more so, but…

He bowed and started to turn, then a sharp pain through his abdomen made his breath catch and his jaw clench and a cold sweat broke out on his face. He was careful to hide any strong reaction as he started towards the kiss and cry, but he could see Yakov had spotted something.

You don't know someone as long as he has known me, and not recognize that something is wrong. He knows I'm in some kind of distress. I think I've put things off for long enough. I have to tell him. Ugh…but there's an interview and a banquet tonight. Okay then, when that's over. I will tell him tonight.

"What is it, Vitya?" Yakov asked, angling himself and keeping his voice down so that no one would see, "You went all white."

"Ah…it was like that pain when I got up too quickly on the plane," Victor whispered, "It went away that time, so…"

"We'll see the medic after your scores are announced," Yakov said sternly.

"But I…"

"We will see the medic right away," his coach insisted.

"Okay," Victor agreed, "but there's an interview."

"Do you feel well enough for that?"

"I do, but I will go to the medic right after," Victor promised, "And Yakov, I have to talk to you about something."

Before he could go on, his scores posted and the roar of the crowd drowned out any further words. It seemed that after, everything happened in a haze. Victor wore a bright, happy smile through the medal ceremony and the press conference after, but an odd ache still seemed to pulsate in his lower abdomen. He barely heard the reporters' questions and he had no idea if he was still making sense. His mind stubbornly focused on getting away and lying down, breathing slowly and making the ache and the feeling of light-headedness go away.

I'll not go to the banquet tonight, he decided as the interview ended and he looked around for Yakov.

"Let's go, Vitya," his coach said, appearing quite suddenly at his side.

Victor made his way through the throng of squealing fans, holding onto a smile until they reached the waiting car outside the crowded venue. He bent to climb into the limousine, then stiffened and made a low, guttural sound of pain and distress as the pain returned and sharpened.

"Oh god!" he gasped.

"Vitya?"

Victor crawled into the car and collapsed on the seat as Yakov practically landed on top of him and shouted at the driver.

"To the hospital emergency! Something is wrong."

The car door slammed and the limo pulled away from the curb as the old Russian coach leaned over Victor, taking the younger man's hand in his.

"Vitya, tell me what's happening," he said urgently, "I know you had this pain before."

Victor bit at his lips, managing short, panting breaths.

"It…It wasn't ever this bad before," he managed in a stricken voice, "I th-thought it was normal. My doctor s-said…"

He broke off, panting harder as the pain intensified.

"There's something I have to tell you," he went on, looking up into the older man's concerned eyes, "Yakov, I'm sorry. I should have told you before, b-but I was…I didn't know how to deal with it myself."

"Deal with what, Vitya? What is happening to you?"

"I am pregnant," Victor half-sobbed, "That night of the Grand Prix Final banquet, when Yuuri was with me, he made me pregnant."

"You are…?" Yakov growled, his eyes flashing with fury, "He…? I thought that you told me you asked him to wear a condom!"

"I did!" Victor insisted, "But I don't know if he listened. I was too out of it after. When I realized, I saw a doctor, and he said that I could have the baby or have an abortion. He said that I was healthy enough to do it. I…I thought about it, but in the end, I couldn't abort my own child, so I started seeing the doctor for prenatal visits. He said that I should talk to you, but he also said that it wasn't a problem to finish the season while pregnant. I was doing everything he said! I just…I should have told you, but…"

"Don't worry about that now," the old coach said, his anger draining away, "Just try to relax. We'll be to the hospital soon."

"Are you mad at me?" Victor asked shakily.

"I'll be mad at you when I know you're okay," Yakov sighed, squeezing his hand, "Take some slow breaths and try to stay calm. We'll be at the hospital soon."

Victor faded in and out of awareness as waves of nausea and dizziness coupled with the radiating pain assaulted his shaking body. He caught only flashes of faces and echoing voices as he was removed from the car and wheeled into the emergency room.

"…is a pregnant omega," Yakov's voice said to someone as the bed he was on rattled down a long hallway, "He has a doctor in Russia. Yes, I know the name and have the contact information."

"Mr. Nikiforov, can you hear me?"

"Y-yes."

"I need you to sign…"

"I have his permission to sign for him," Yakov interrupted.

The fast motion stopped and Yakov's hand slipped out of his.

"Yakov!"

"He's going to wait outside while we examine you," a woman's voice informed him.

"I'm going to start some IV fluids," a man's voice added, "You'll just feel a little pinch."

"Ugh…I hate needles."

"Are you still feeling the pain, Victor?"

"Yes."

"Let's breathe through the pain together, okay?" the nurse directed him, "Breathe in slowly for as long as you can and exhale slowly."

He took several breaths with the nurse, while the doctor quickly examined him.

"How long have you been having these pains?" he asked.

"Eh, about as long as I've been pregnant," the Russian skater answered, "But, they've never been this bad. My doctor said that some pains were normal because of the hormones changing my body to prepare for the birth."

"Yes, well, what seems to be happening is that your body is not handling the pregnancy well enough. As your doctor will have explained to you, as the pregnancy advances, a birth canal is supposed to slowly form, then open up during the delivery."

"H-he told me that, yes," Victor acknowledged, "But that's not supposed to happen until later, right?"

"You're right," the doctor affirmed, "What's happening is that something has gone wrong and the…"

The doctor broke off as Victor grunted in agony, then quivered and lost consciousness. The Russian skater wasn't sure how long the darkness lasted, but as blood rushed in his ears and he heard the slower thumping of his heart inside his head, he felt Yakov's hand holding his again.

"Yakov?"

"You are waking up?" Yakov said quickly, "Thank god. It's been almost two days, Vitya!"

"I've been unconscious for…for how long?"

"You have been unconscious for two days," said a female doctor who leaned over him from the other side, "It took awhile to stabilize you. You needed a blood transfusion."

"It…h-hurts. It really hurts," Victor groaned.

"I know. I'm going to give you something for that," the doctor said soothingly.

"Oh, no needles, please!" Victor complained.

"It's just going into the IV," the doctor chuckled, "It won't hurt."

"Is it okay for the…the baby?" Victor asked as the medicine was added to his IV and very quickly, he started to drift off.

He didn't hear an answer, but everything around him faded away swiftly. When he woke again, he could see out the window that it was nighttime, and that Yakov had fallen asleep holding Victor's hand while sitting in a chair next to his hospital bed.

"He's been there this whole time, watching over you," a nurse said, entering the room and making her way to the bed, where she did a quick check of his vital signs.

As she finished, the female doctor from before returned and washed her hands, then came to join the nurse at Victor's side. Yakov grunted and jumped awake.

"Victor," said the doctor, "I didn't get to properly introduce myself before. I am Doctor Saito. I specialize in treating omega male patients. I was called in to assist in your surgery."

"M-my surgery?" Victor repeated, "I had surgery? But, what about the…?"

"The pain that you felt before arriving here was from the early separation of the tissues that part to allow the birth canal to open."

"But it's not time!" Victor said in a panicked tone, "That's not supposed to happen until the end of the pregnancy! My doctor told me that!"

"That is true," Doctor Saito affirmed, taking his free hand, "but, I'm sure your doctor also told you that the miscarriage rate for omega males is much higher than that of females."

"But…but, I was past twelve weeks! I was in the second trimester. The rate of miscarriage was supposed to be lower!" Victor insisted.

"Lower, yes," the doctor agreed, "but all omega pregnancies are risky."

"That's not…I did everything I was told!" Victor shouted angrily, "I ate right and I took care of myself. Tell me what I did wrong."

"You did nothing wrong," the doctor assured him, "I'm sure you did everything possible to take care of yourself and your baby. But…sometimes, that just isn't enough. Something goes wrong and there is nothing anyone can do. An early opening of the birth canal is dangerous. It causes heavy bleeding and destabilizes the pregnancy, so although the fetus was healthy, the pregnancy couldn't continue."

"The baby's gone?" Victor asked, his face going white and his voice shaking, "Just like that?"

"I am sorry. I promise you, we did everything we could, but we were not able to save the baby."

"I know you did, but I must not have done something right," Victor said desperately, "Was it that I continued to train and compete?"

"No."

"It must…I mean, there has to be a reason!" Victor managed, choking on the words, "There has to be! What did I do wrong?"

"You didn't do a thing wrong," the doctor said firmly, looking into his teary eyes, "This is not your fault. It was an unforeseeable circumstance. I am so very sorry, Victor."

She paused, waiting as Victor's hands clenched for a long moment, quaking in the ones that held them. Then, with an effort, the skater composed himself.

"Okay," he said numbly, "so what happens now? Am I…okay? Can I go home?"

"I want to keep you for one more night. We'll discharge you in the morning."

"No, I want to go home now," Victor said in an oddly calm voice, "I can't sleep in a place like this."

"You need to do what she says," Yakov chided him.

"Or what!" Victor snapped, "Or I'll lose the baby? I think it's too late for that!"

"You just had abdominal surgery, Victor," the doctor explained, "We need to get you on your feet and make sure you are recovered enough before you leave."

"F-fine," Victor said sullenly, "in the morning, then."

Doctor Saito nodded briefly.

"Victor, there is one more thing. It is…procedure, when an event like this happens, for us to remove and incinerate the contents of the birthing cavity. We…can keep some of the ashes and give them to you…for burial, if you want."

"You…do that? You really do that, even though…?"

"It doesn't matter that it was still too early," Doctor Saito said quietly, "You lost your child, and part of your recovery is going to be physical, but part is going to be emotional. We believe that it is essential to acknowledge the bond you already had with your child."

Victor stared at the doctor in silence for several long moments, then nodded.

"Thank you."

"It's the least we can do," Doctor Saito said as she released his hand and stood, "Have you thought of a name for your baby?"

Victor looked down at his empty belly, blinking slowly.

"Do you know if it was a boy or a girl?" he asked solemnly.

"Your baby was a girl. Take your time thinking, if you want to. You can just tell the nurse when…"

"What is the Japanese word for dream?" Victor asked.

The doctor looked back at him sadly.

"Yume."

"Then, that is her name."

"Of course," the doctor said, "I will see that it is recorded."

"Thank you."

Victor watched silently as the doctor left, then he turned and buried his face in his coach's shoulder and let the misery pour out silently.