Chapter 11: Shattered Ice

Victor rested silently in his hospital bed, barely hearing as his doctor and nurse reviewed his discharge instructions. Sitting near him, Yakov noticed the distant, broken look in his blue eyes and took to writing down the instructions for later.

"You are likely to have some pain in your abdominal area and blood will continue to leak through the opened birthing passage for up to a week. That structure will slowly close. That is supposed to happen, so you shouldn't worry about it. I've prescribed some pain medication in case you become uncomfortable. You should get and move around, taking short walks and gradually making them longer. You are not to train physically for six months, as your body needs to heal fully. Call your doctor immediately if you develop a fever or have any unusual discharge or intense pain."

Victor managed a small nod and the lady doctor slipped a hand into his.

"I want to assure you that you are going to make a full recovery, and when the time comes, you should be able to have children safely."

"Why would I want to do that?" Victor asked numbly, "I was warned that the pregnancy was high risk. It seems silly to me now to have taken chances with my mental and physical health like this…"

"Vitya," Yakov said warningly.

"It's all right," Doctor Saito said calmly, "Victor has suffered a difficult loss. I've forwarded my recommendations to his physician in Russia that Victor should receive counseling to…"

"I don't need any counseling," Victor said in a short, but quiet tone, meeting the doctor's eyes squarely, "I was raised an orphan. I learned very quickly that it isn't good to rely too much on someone else to do what is mine to do. I am not in denial, I know what happened to Yume and to me, and I have no trouble accepting the reality. It is horrible losing her, but it's mine to handle."

The doctor blinked in surprise.

"Victor, I understand what you are saying, I am just recommending that for your sake and also for the people around you who have suffered this loss too."

"No one else suffered the loss," Victor insisted, "I didn't even tell anyone about the baby. Not even her father knows, so that isn't an issue. I'll handle this how I've handled every hard thing since I was a throwaway child. I'll do it myself. It's the only way I know."

Doctor Saito caught the pained look that flashed on Yakov's face and squeezed Victor's hand comfortingly.

"I think even not knowing you for very long, I can already see that you haven't been alone, Victor. Not in your life, and not in this."

"But, I told you. I didn't tell anyone, not even Yakov and Lilia, who have been like parents to me."

"You hadn't told them yet," the doctor corrected him, "But you explained to Yakov during this situation, and I am sure that as the people around you, the people who care about, learn about this, they will be suffering for you. I told you before that part of your healing is recognizing and acknowledging the loss of your child."

"I know that Yume is gone. I don't question that, and I'm not going to kill myself over it, so you don't need to worry."

"Vitya, she is just trying to help you. Don't be stubborn."

"I am just being honest," Victor sighed, looking down at his aching abdomen, "I am strongest on my own, not leaning on anyone else. I'm just that way, and I don't know how to be any other way. I am sorry. I don't mean to be rude."

"I'm sure you don't," Doctor Saito said, giving him a sad smile, "but I do hope that you will share this and allow yourself some time to grieve. Now, if you have any questions."

"I don't," Victor replied in a tired voice, "You've explained things just fine, and I promise to take care of myself. I just really want to go home to Russia now."

"Of course," Doctor Saito said, releasing his hand and standing, "I will sign the discharge papers immediately so that you can go."

"Thank you."

Yakov waited as the doctor left, then he watched Victor turn to let his long legs down over the side of the bed. The Russian skater eased himself onto his feet, earning a quick reprimand.

"What are you doing?" the old coach asked," You have to wait for the discharge papers and it could take awhile, you know."

"I am just gathering my things."

"Don't bother. Just stay there and I'll do it."

He picked up Victor's robe and a pair of pajamas.

"Here, put these on."

"My pajamas? But, I'm going…"

"Yes, I know," Yakov answered, "but you heard your doctor, didn't you? She said to use non-binding clothing."

"Oh, that's right. I forgot."

"Let me help you."

"You don't have to," Victor objected.

"Shut up and be still," Yakov gently scolded him as he helped the younger man slip out of the hospital garment and into his own soft pajamas, "You want to be comfortable for the flight home."

"Thank you."

Yakov grunted and finished with the tie at his student's slim waist. Victor's eyes scanned the room briefly and he spotted a little, colorful box among the numerous flower arrangements that had been sent to wish him well.

"Did you tell the nurse to send the flowers to someone who…"

"Yes, I donated them to a rehabilitation hospital for injured and sick children."

"Thank you."

Victor frowned and looked more closely at the little box among the flowers.

"What is that?"

"What is what?" Yakov inquired, frowning.

Victor moved closer and picked up the box.

"It hasn't been opened. You don't know what's inside?"

"No."

A card on the outside held a short note.

Get well wishes from the staff of Yuutopia Katsuki, Hasetsu, Kyushu

"Katsuki?" Victor breathed softly, his eyes widening and his hands shaking slightly as he untied the ribbon on the box and opened it.

XXXXXXXXXX

Yuuri charged into his bedroom, his wide, panicked eyes flicking around from place to place as he threw things out of drawers and rifled through his closet.

"Where is it? Where is it? Come on. It's gotta be here somewhere!"

He dove under the bed, then dumped out the contents of his wastebasket.

"Where is it? Where did it go? Oh my god!" he moaned, "I know I left it right here!"

Mari looked in through the open door and watched for a moment as he brother continued to scatter his belongings everywhere, talking nervously to himself.

"Come on, come on!"

"Eh, what are you doing?" she asked finally, "Besides tearing your room apart and making a huge mess I'm not cleaning up."

"I'm sorry. I'll clean it up. I just have to find…"

"Find what? Did you lose something?"

"Yeah," Yuuri panted, still looking around, "I was writing a note to Victor. You know, I heard that he was in the hospital in Tokyo."

"Yeah," Mari acknowledged, "I know. Mom and dad and I sent him a gift box, and I found your note and put it inside for him."

"You WHAT?" Yuuri squawked, giving her a look of complete mortification, "But…but, I wasn't done with it! Mari!"

"It's fine," his sister chuckled, waving him off as he sputtered and tripped over his words, "I saw that it was almost done, so I just added a closing and signed your name."

"What did you add?" Yuuri demanded.

"I just added a little at the end inviting him to the inn if he's ever in Hasetsu."

"Oh man, no way! That sounds way too desperate! And how do you know he won't notice the difference in our handwriting?"

"I can copy your handwriting," Mari snickered, "I just scribble and it looks pretty much like yours."

"What? Mari, that's not true. I don't scribble."

"You do when you're nervous."

"But…there was more that I wanted to say."

"Aw, I liked what was there. Victor will love getting a note like that from his cute fanboy."

"HEY, knock it off! Don't tease me like that."
"Take it easy," Mari chided him.

"Oh my god!" Yuuri groaned, putting his face in his hands, "I'll never be able to show my face again."

Mari gave him a look of forced patience.

"Because of a get well note and a gift? Seriously?" Mari inquired, arching an eyebrow.

"Ugh! I can't believe this is happening!" Yuuri complained, holding his head in his hands and shaking it vigorously.

"Get a grip," Mari sighed impatiently, "I'm sure Victor will like the note and the gift. He's always really nice to his fans. Maybe he'll send a note back."

Yuuri's back straightened suddenly, his breath caught and he stared at Mari for a moment.

"What?"

"You…really think he might answer?" he asked timidly.

"What I think is that you'd better clean up that terrible mess you made, cause I'm not going to," Mari snapped, closing the door as she left the room.

Yuuri continued to look silently at the place she had been, his mind whirling.

What is Victor going to think when he sees it?I hope that it makes him smile. Victor's smile is really warm and so beautiful.

I wonder if he will answer.

XXXXXXXXXX

Victor's face took on a quizzical look as he sat down on the hospital bed, studying the objects in the lovely box. He picked up the card that had been placed inside and read as he picked up each of the items in the box, one by one to look at them more closely.

"The charm is called omamori and is meant for protection. It's considered bad luck to open it. It is just carried on one's person for good luck, and in the case of this charm, for a speedy recovery and good health."

He smiled approvingly at the intricate pattern on the outside with colors that matched his eyes, and he slipped it into his pocket, moving on to the next piece. He picked up a round figure, painted in red, gold and black, but with strangely unpainted eyes.

"What is that?" Yakov mused, shaking his head.

"The doll is Daruma," Victor read, his lips curving upward, "We make a wish and paint the first eye, then when it comes true, we paint the other."

"I think it's kind of frightening," Yakov complained.

"Be nice, Yakov. They're just being kind."

Victor lifted out the next item, twenty-five long strands of string that each held about forty tiny, colorful and carefully folded paper cranes.

"The cranes are to wish you a speedy recovery. We hope you are well soon. Please enjoy your gifts, with love from the Katsuki family."

The card was signed, Toshiya, Hiroko, Mari and Yuuri Katsuki.

"That is very kind," Yakov said, rubbing his chin and thinking.

He studied Victor's curious expression, then looked back at the box.

"I'm wondering," the old coach went on, "Do you really think that boy couldn't accept you? Because, it doesn't seem like someone who, as you said, was disgusted by you would send a gift like this."

Victor gazed at the gifts, thinking quietly for a moment.

"I don't know," he said finally, "I think that it's just…"

He broke off as he spotted an envelope in the bottom of the box. Yakov watched as he removed it from the box and opened it. He took a steadying breath and started to read.

"Are you sure you want me to hear it?" Yakov asked, stopping him, "It's probably personal. I will go take your things to the car and give you some privacy."

"Oh," Victor said, giving him a confused look, "okay. You're probably right, after all."

He waited until his coach had left him alone, then he picked up the note and read.

Dear Victor,

It sort of seems like forever since we competed together in the Grand Prix Final. I know I didn't do very well. I really wanted to do better, because it would have been a good way to thank you for the inspiration you've given me. I wouldn't have made it to the final at all if not for you. But since I couldn't thank you with a good performance, I'll thank you now. Watching you over the years made me fall in love with skating. I want to get better, to grow stronger and I hope I will. Maybe we'll actually get to talk if we meet again in competition. I'd like to tell you in person how grateful I am.

I hope that you're feeling better. The TV didn't say why you were in the hospital, but I'm glad to hear that you're improving and you'll be going home soon. I'm back at home for the first time in five years, and it's funny how nothing really seems to be different…nothing but me, that is. Going home can be like that, I suppose. But I'll bet you can't wait to get home. They showed a picture on TV of the mountains of flowers and gifts that people have sent to your home and to the rink where you skate. You deserve it. You are an inspiration to so many people. I hope you go right on inspiring them.

And if you are ever in Hasetsu, come to the hot spring! It's a great place to recuperate after all. Take care of yourself and I hope to see you next season.

Fondly,

Katsuki Yuuri

Victor stared at the words uncomprehendingly, then he read them again, and then a third time.

That doesn't seem like someone who is disgusted by me. He's so kind…not at all like I thought. I mean, he was never cruel, not even when he was drunk on champagne and riled by my heat. He didn't hurt me and he didn't say anything mean.

Did I misunderstand him?

Have I got this wrong?

He looked out the hospital window at the cloudy sky, wondering.

But Yuuri, if you weren't disgusted by me, then why? Why would you leave me after the night we had and never even try to talk to me? Were you…embarrassed? Did you maybe feel, not disgusted, but guilty instead, after that night? What is in your head? Who are you, Yuuri? Are you that man who swept me off my feet so aggressively, took me to bed and got me pregnant, or are you this kind, adoring fan who is also my competitor? Are you maybe somehow both?

I don't understand.

"Mr. Nikiforov," his nurse said, entering the room, "I have your discharge papers."

"Oh," Victor said distantly, "thank you."

He signed the papers, then sat down in the wheelchair that was brought for him, holding the little box with the gifts and Yuuri's note inside.

So, maybe I misunderstood Yuuri all of this time. I feel stupid for not thinking of that before. Of course, if he's a kind person, but also an alpha, he might regret losing control to his instincts as an alpha. I should tell him it wasn't his fault. I don't want him to feel bad.

But…if all of that is true, then I have done wrong to him.

A little shiver went though Victor's body.

If this is the way he really is, the way he really feels, then I did something terrible to both of us by not telling him about the baby. Yuuri is Yume's father, and he deserves to know that. But…how would I tell him something like that now? I hid Yume from everyone, and I'm starting to think that it was a really bad mistake to do that. But, even if that is true, I can't go back and fix it.

Victor barely noticed reaching the car and being helped inside. He breathed slowly, his blue-green eyes focused on the mix of water and little flecks of ice that rained down onto the car window, the wipers swishing back and forth, sweeping everything aside, repeatedly.

I am like those wiper blades, living for awhile, then wiping the slate clean and starting over and over and over and over again. It's a repeating cycle I've lived in for as long as I remember. I keep going around and around in circles and rebuilding. But that, as they say, is life, isn't it? You take the bad with the good and you make the best of things. You make yourself strong and you don't depend on people. Because they always leave. My parents…several foster families, counselors, friends, Yuuri and now Yume. And someday Yakov will leave and Lilia, Valentin and even Maccachin. Yes, this is why I've always thought that I have to be strong on my own.

But trying to be strong on my own is lonely.

"I was lucky to be able to change our flight so that we can go straight to the airport," Yakov said conversationally. I know you want to get back to Russia."

"Hmm, thank you," Victor answered half-heartedly.

"You did say you wanted to go now, didn't you?" asked the old coach, "If you're too tired…"

"No," Victor insisted, "I'm tired, but not too tired to sit on a plane. I do want to go home. I miss Maccachin and…I just need to get back to normal."

"Hmph, I don't think there will be a normal for you for awhile," Yakov grunted, "The abdominal surgery means no training for six months. That's going to be cutting it close if you're competing this next season, and that is if there are no complications. You will need rehabilitation and physical therapy to bring you back to peak performance."

"Ugh," Victor groaned, "Are you trying to tell me that I should just quit now? That all sounds so boring, Yakov."

"Well, boring or not, it's what it will take for your body to heal fully and be ready for competition. We don't want to rush things and have you suffer an injury."

The elder man gave him a scathing look.

"And no, I don't think that you should quit. You have plenty of good skating years left, Vitya. What you lack right now is not time, it is motivation. You know this."

"I do," Victor agreed, "I admit I don't know how next year will go."

"You haven't chosen between the "Eros" and "Agape" programs?" Yakov asked.

"God, I don't know if I can do either," Victor sighed, shaking his head, "I can't think about any of that now."

"It's fine," Yakov said soothingly, "Just focus on resting. Your inspiration will come back and you will be all right, once you get back to training."

"Hmm," Victor grunted agnostically.

My inspiration?

My inspiration for Eros was the drunk and so sexy Yuuri, who had sex and made a baby with me, then left me and my inspiration for Agape are the emotions given to me while carrying a daughter who has died.

I just can't…no, I can't think about those things now. I have to stay calm and quiet and not show how much this hurts. Yakov is already worried and I don't want to scare him. I have to dig myself out of this mess.

I do have six month while I'm not training.

I wonder…what I will do with that time?

Victor was silent, following in Yakov wake as his coach led him through the airport to their gate. On board the plane, he took his seat, sighing wearily as he collapsed and leaned against the window.

"Are you sure you're all right?" Yakov asked stridently, "If you're not, we should say something now, before the plane takes off."

"I'm fine," Victor lied, "It's fine."

He kept his head turned away, carefully hiding the tears that came and went as the plane carried them back over the ocean.

I just have to get used to the idea that the plans that I had for Yume and me are gone. The future I dreamed of with her will never happen. I have to be strong and go on without her. But, what scares me is that I find myself asking why. Now that these dreams have died and that future is gone, what will take up that space in my life? It's hard to find a new dream or any hopes while I'm like this.

What can I do?

Slowly, Victor dropped off into a restless sleep and woke hours later to find the plane darkened and Yakov sleeping soundly in the seat next to his. He realized that he had slipped his hands into his jacket pockets as he slept and he drew them out again, but felt something inside his curled right hand fingers. Opening them slowly, he made a sound of surprise as he found himself looking at the omamori.

The next thought that occurred to him made his throat tighten and his jaw clench hard so he could hold back form crying again.

I guess I did take it out of the box while we were waiting to board. I like the way I can reach into my pocket and hold onto it without being too obvious. I thought I was trying to be strong on my own, but for some reason, when I touch this, I feel you with me, Yuuri.

Maybe…just maybe, I'm not so alone as I thought.