Chapter 12: Siren

Yakov approached the front door of his former wife's lovely mansion and rang the doorbell. Almost immediately, soft footsteps sounded inside and the front door opened to reveal the handsome young man who served a Lilia's most trusted attendant.

"Valentin," he greeted the butler.

"Good morning, sir," Valentin said politely, "You've come to check up on Vitya?"

"I have," the old coach answered as he followed the butler inside, "Is he eating and sleeping any better?"

Valentin gave him a worried smile.

"Well, as usual, he is eating everything in sight, which makes me wonder how exactly he manages not to gain an ounce, even though he could use it. As for sleeping, not so much. He is restless during the night, then tired a lot during the day, and he is too quiet. He is taking the loss of his baby very hard, though he usually avoids speaking about it directly. He only really perks up when you or Ms. Lilia visit with him. As soon as you leave, he deflates quickly and wants to rest and brood a lot."

"Hmm, I was worried that he would," Yakov sighed following the butler through the main entry, up the grand staircase and down a long hallway to the suite where the Russian skater was recuperating.

Valentin opened the door and peeked inside.

"Vitya, Yakov has come."

He paused, looking around as he noticed the empty bed and open balcony doors.

"Ah, I think he is getting some fresh air."

He and Yakov entered the room and walked out to the balcony, where they found Victor reclining in a chaise lounge and fast asleep with Maccachin stretched out underneath. The old dog thumped his tail on the ground in greeting. Yakov's eyes took on a deeply troubled look as he observed Victor's too pale skin and unhappy sleeping face.

"Let's go. We shouldn't disturb him," the old man said softly.

"Hmm?" Victor said, opening his eyes and blinking as he looked around and spotted his two visitors.

He broke into a wide smile.

"Yakov, Valentin, what's up?" he asked, starting to climb out of the chaise.

"You don't have to get up," Yakov assured him, gently pushing him back down.

He took a seat on the edge of another lounge.

"Would you two like me to bring some tea and snacks?" Valentin asked cordially.

"Oh, that sounds good," Victor said cheerfully, "I'm so hungry!"

"Again?" Valentin chuckled, "Well, all right. You are still recovering, after all."

He left the two alone and Yakov turned his attention to his recovering student.

"Lilia messaged me that the doctor was here to see you this morning. How did that go? Has the pain subsided as it was supposed to?"

"Oh, it's all fine," Victor assured him, laying a hand on his belly as he sat up straighter, "I'm getting better every day. But, why are you here? Shouldn't you be at the rink already?"

"Lilia asked me to come," Yakov explained, "She said that now that you are doing better, the three of us should meet to talk about your training."

"My training?" Victor mused, "What about my training? I can't really train right now. It's only been a little over a week since I lost the baby. Did you miss the part where the doctor forbade me to train for six months because of the abdominal surgery?"

Yakov crossed his arms and gave Victor a disapproving frown.

"Just because you are not training on the ice, does not mean you can be lazy."

Victor gave him a confused look.

"I am resting and eating like everyone told me to do," he complained, "How is taking care of myself being lazy?"

"You are lying around, moping," the old coach said sternly, "Have you given any more thought to which program you are using for the short? Have you even begun work on the free program?"

"What? Why are you so worried about that? There is a lot of time."

"Time or no time, by now you should have a basic plan for your theme, music and costumes thought out and you should be designing. Normally, by now, you would have done all of these things and you would already be refining your programs. You should come down to the rink and work on choreography of your routines."

"How am I supposed to do that?" Victor demanded, his temper beginning to slip, "I am not allowed on skates!"

"I am paying a former student of mine to come to perform the skating, while you work on choreographing the elements."

"Yakov, I don't feel up to…"

"Yakov is right," Lilia said firmly, emerging from the bedroom and stepping out onto the balcony, "You are quiet too much. You are alone too much. You are not thriving, even though you have all of us looking after you."

Victor looked back at her wordlessly for a moment before continuing.

"I appreciate what you are doing," he said sincerely, "all of you. But I just don't feel ready to decide things about next season. I don't even know, at this point, if I will have a next season."

"What are you talking about? Of course you will," Yakov chided him.

"Yakov, I…"

Victor froze mid-sentence as he felt the sudden stab of Lilia's icy alpha glare. The chill seemed to penetrate his chest, making his lungs tighten until he felt like he could barely breathe. Sweat broke out on his forehead and he shivered involuntarily.

She never uses this dominant ability on me!

Never…until now.

He stared back at the former dancer in dismay, his heart pounding.

"We need to talk about this," Lilia said sternly, flicking her sparking eyes to meet Yakov's, "I've told Valentin to bring the tea and snacks into the garden room."

Victor swallowed hard, letting his eyes drop as Lilia's harsh gaze left him. She looked back at him again, but without the angry glare.

"Come Vitya, Yakov."

Neither man nor the old, sleepy poodle hesitated as the lady of the house turned and led them away. Victor followed quietly, his heart sinking more with every step.

How am I supposed to do this? How do I just forget all of the love, all of the emotion that went into those programs? How can I perform either Eros or Agape after what has happened? They were created for a family that never existed. It was present only in my mind. Yume was real enough, but she never stepped onto the ice with me as she did in my dreams. She never even drew breath! And now…I just feel empty. It's a hunger I can't feed. It's emotion I can't put into words. I don't know what to do with all of this!

The three reached the garden tea room, and sat down at the small table near the center of the lovely, flower filled paradise. The effect should have been soothing, but it seemed to do nothing to ease the tension in Victor's body as he faced the two who had been like parents to him. Maccachin laid down at his feet and whimpered sympathetically.

"I'm sorry," Victor apologized, not waiting for Lilia to take control of the conversation, "I know I'm disappointing both of you, and I don't mean to. I just didn't expect this to happen! I didn't expect to lose Yume. I am…trying to move on. I am doing everything I've been told to do. I even went to counseling."

"We know that you are trying," Lilia acknowledged in a softer, warmer tone.

"We do," Yakov agreed.

"We know, but we also see that what we are all doing is not yet enough."

"It's only been a little over a week," Victor pleaded softly, "I just had a part of my future taken away and I'm sorry if I don't know what to do with that! I'm sorry if I can't just use the pain to make new art, like I usually do when things are difficult. But, this isn't just difficult. It is…crushing."

Lilia exchanged a meaningful glance with Yakov, who stiffened slightly, but answered with a little nod of acceptance.

"We understand," she replied quietly.

"How?" Victor asked, a tear escaping one misted eye, "How can you know? You haven't…"

He stopped suddenly as he noticed a familiar looking sadness that entered the eyes of the two who had taken care of him and protected him for so long that he had nearly forgotten what it was like for them not to be there.

"Wait a minute," he managed breathlessly, his mind whirling as realization swept over him, "You…? You lost a child?"

Victor's breath caught and he stared raptly as the lady alpha explained.

"It was a long time ago, before you came to us. And although my pregnancy was unexpected at the time, it was welcomed. Yakov and I were looking forward to meeting our child, but…"

She trailed off, taking in a slow breath as Yakov finished.

"It was not meant to be."

"Y-you…?" Victor stammered, "But you never told me that you and Yakov lost a child. Not in all of the years I've known you. I mean, it's personal, of course…but…"

"Because of the effect that the pregnancy and childbirth were likely to have on my career as a dancer," Lilia continued, "I did not announce anything right away. I was waiting until the baby was developed enough that he could live if born. When I miscarried, Yakov and I, and my doctors were the only ones who knew. We chose to keep the loss private, and we did our best to continue as we had been before."

"But," Yakov sighed, "we learned together that we could not be the same. The loss took a heavy toll on us, just as it has on you, and it will continue to wreak its havoc."

"In the end," Lilia said, moving closer to Yakov, "we lost the baby to the miscarriage, we lost our marriage to the stress, but…we did manage to keep going."

"Oftentimes, it was with heavy hearts," Yakov admitted, "but…some years after, we found that not everything that we lost was gone forever.

"I was already retired from dancing, and Yakov and I were friendly, but not in love anymore," Lilia explained, "We had moved on in our lives and we were living, but perhaps not thriving. There was nothing terrible wrong with the way we were living, but there came a day when it became clear to us that something was missing."

Yakov glanced at Lilia, then quietly slipped a hand into hers.

"It was the day, a short time after I first saw you at one of the novice competitions, when I scolded your idiot coach for abusing you the way he was. There was something about you. I convinced him to turn your training over to me."

"You mean that you threatened him," Victor chuckled, "and I was lucky that you did."

"We were all lucky," Lilia added.

"I had you moved into the skating academy's dormitory, and you lived there while I trained you in figure skating and Lilia was your dance instructor."

"It quickly became clear to Yakov and me that you were going to be more than just our student, and when the day came that you were found by the academy doctor to be an emerging omega, I didn't hesitate taking you in for your protection."

"By then," Yakov said, meeting Lilia's eyes warmly, "you were in our hearts and helping you train brought back some of the buried emotions, the old, almost forgotten hopes that we had once had for our unborn child."

"When parents lose one child, but then move on to have another, there is a saying that the next child is like a rainbow that brings back some of the life that is lost with a lost child," Lilia said solemnly, "You were that for Yakov and for me…this child not even our own, who gave us back something we desperately needed."

"Well," Victor said, taking a deeper breath and turning to face them directly, "I am eternally grateful to you for rescuing me from my old coach before he completely took advantage of me, and I am glad that my being with you inspired those feelings in the two of you, but…"

"We know your situation is not the same as ours," Yakov acknowledged.

"I have you and I have a counselor," Victor sighed, "but…there is no one who went through this with me exactly, because I hid everything. I didn't even tell my child's father, and I really regret that now. It makes the loss that much more lonely. Still, you don't need to worry. I promise you, I am doing my best."

"We know you are," Yakov answered, nodding in affirmation, "Just let us know what we can do to support you."

The three looked up as Valentin entered the garden room, bearing a heavy tray full of tea and food. Victor's handsome face lit up instantly.

"Oh, this helps a lot!" he laughed, digging in as soon as the food was set down, "Come on and join me."

"I have already eaten," Lilia said dryly.

"I have to get back to work," Yakov added.

"Valentin, you will eat with me, won't you?"

The youthful butler snickered.

"If I ate like you, I'd get fat and her ladyship would probably fire me. Besides, someone has to be ready to haul more food in when you're done with that, Vitya, dear."

"All right," Victor said around a mouthful of food, "but you have to stay and keep me company."

Valentin watched as Yakov and Lilia left, then he shook his head and sighed.

"I have a couple of things to do, but I'll be back for a walk in the courtyard with you in awhile. Will that do?"

"Sure, but you're missing out."

Victor waited until he was alone in the garden tea room with just Maccachin, then he turned to the old poodle and set some of the food down for him.

"Here," he said in a softer, dispirited tone, "help me out with this, okay, Maccachin?"

He glanced back in the direction the others had gone, then climbed to his feet and headed into the tea room's bathroom. He closed the door behind him and stood for a moment with his back against it, his hand on his stomach and a discomfited look on his face.

I shouldn't, but…I need to stay thin for…

He paused, trying to picture any sort of next season, but only feeling emptiness swelling up inside until it brought the feeling of sickness. He dropped onto his knees and emptied his stomach violently, then remained on his knees and panting for several minutes.

What is any of this for? Why am I slowly killing myself over a season that I don't even know will happen? I've always been able to come up with new programs, and I have always been able to overcome depression with imagination and determination. I've always been strongest on my own…yes, up until now.

This time feels different.

"Oh…oh Vitya!" Valentin gasped, bursting in through the door, "Are you all right, dear? I'll call the doctor right aw…"

"No," Victor sighed, starting to climb back onto wobbly feet, "no, I'll be all right. I just…just ate too fast or something. You did try to warn me I was eating too much. S-sorry."

Don't look at me, Valentin!

He felt Valentin's warm hands on his face and tried to pull away, only to find himself firmly anchored in the other young man's arms.

"You're not all right at all," Valentin said worriedly, looking into Victor's pained eyes, "Vitya, please tell me what I can do?"

"I would tell you if I knew," Victor whispered, "I just don't know anymore. I don't feel like myself at all. I feel…like a part of me is missing since she died! I try to smile. I try to put my mind on my work or whoever is there, but nothing takes away the feeling of emptiness where she was! I don't know what to do."

"It's okay, Vitya! It's okay. I've got you," the butler promised, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes as he continued to hug the distressed skater tightly, "Come with me. I'll…oh, you can't have a hot bath yet, but a nice hot shower? I'll bathe you myself?"

"You don't have to," Victor assured him, "I will be all right. This is just…what has to happen. I think I'll just lie down for awhile. Can we go back to my room?"

"Of course," Valentin answered, slipping a supportive arm around him.

"Sorry to be a bother, but there is still some pain sometimes."

"I can get your pain medication."

"I don't want it."

"Oh, don't you go being a tough guy on me. Lady Lilia ordered me to keep you comfortable. I'll get your pain pills and I'll be right back."

He helped Victor back into bed, then hurried out of the room. Alone again, Victor looked around and spotted his cell phone sitting on the nightstand. He picked it up, glad to have a message to take his mind off of his troubles for even a moment.

"Mila?" he mouthed as he read the message.

Vitya, you have to see this! This video is all over social media. You remember that Japanese boy from the Grand Prix Final?

Victor sucked in a surprised breath as he spotted Yuuri's image on the video link in the message.

It seems that while you were performing your free skate, Yuuri Katsuki was skating it too! You have to see it. It's amazing! Hope you're feeling better.

His heart pounding, Victor touched the play icon and began to watch.

I don't understand. I don't understand this at all! What is he doing? Even if my first impression was wrong and he wasn't disgusted by me, he still was too embarrassed or guilty or something to talk to me after! He did send that letter before, so I know he looks up to me as a skater, but…he has to have been practicing so hard to skate like this! I never saw him perform at this level in prior competitions. I've never heard of him skating this well! And…the way he moves! It's like the music is inside him and billowing out of his body as he jumps and spins. He's amazing!

This is not the Yuuri Katsuki I know.

Victor's eyes hardened and his jaw clenched.

This is the boy who swept me off my feet at the Grand Prix Final banquet.

This…is my alpha!